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marip1
08-31-2018, 07:35 PM
My husband has been a heavy drinker for a long time. He's now in his 60's.
Whenever I try to get him to stop he tells me he drinks because of me. He blames me. Is this typical of an alcoholic to blame others for their drinking?

Seraph
08-31-2018, 08:40 PM
Yes this is pretty typical. An addict does this to avoid taking responsibility for his choice to continue drinking. I suggest you get in touch with Alanon, the group that supports and advises the partners and families of alcoholics. You will get a lot of help for dealing with your husband. Cheers, Sera

yayagirl
08-31-2018, 09:52 PM
Dear mari,

Yes, blaming anything and anyone is typical of any addict. His behavior is entirely typical.
Most of all you need to protect yourself against the results of his choices. Usually when one person makes more responsible choices it can stir the addict to desperate measures.

Maybe you aren't sure exactly where his responsibility begins and yours ends. Sometimes we think the another person 'needs' for us to make him 'see'. As soon as we try that we get blamed for his choices. It does not ever help a relationship to assume responsibility for the partner's choices.

The answer to that is he makes his own decisions for himself and you make your decisions for your own self. Until we recognize this fact, we cannot have an honest relationship. You can't stop him from blaming you but you can matter of factly tell him "you alone make your own choices', and drop the subject.

You also need to stop telling him what to do about it or why. He alone makes his own decision to stop or keep drinking. That you talk to him about it in the mind of the addict gives him reason to blame you. Don't act like his mother or instructor. Instead only make your own decisions for your own self.

The question here is what are you going to do to protect your self and your own interests? You may even need to consult an attorney to learn what you can and cannot legally do. Often an initial consultation is free or very low cost. Check with a family attorney. This is to prepare you. Don't run out and make any drastic changes. Remember that something about you was drawn to this person. You need to get yourself very clear-minded and probably make some changes in yourself. We can only change our own selves.

Meanwhile you need to make some hard decisions about your own quality of life.
I suggest from experience that you do get personal counseling and support before you join in any support group. Something in yourself drew you to your husband's neediness and that vulnerability can draw us to inappropriate people in a support group or open up to an inappropriate person in a support group. We need to become very aware of our own vulnerabilities, since something in us was drawn to the addictive personality; our own selves is all we can control.

I suggest that you NOT EVER get personally involved with anyone in a support group. Groups just consist of human beings, so try groups until you find one you like. The group is not about becoming dependent on any person or on the group.

Keep the group about hearing feedback and nothing more, for you are very vulnerable right now. Let us know how you are doing.

quincy
09-01-2018, 09:24 AM
I suspect your husband's blame of you isn't always related to drinking. Most addicts tend to reject emotional responsibility.

I suggest you get therapy or counselling. While Alanon may be a good idea, it is a place with people who are in a similar situation as you are. If you need that type of support, it might be of help to you.

My opinion is that one's experience is strongly influenced by the people who are there as well. If it's a group of severely dysfunctional people, i see it as a hindrance to understanding and growth. Group isn't always a good thing. I feel the same about AA. But there isn't only one group available....search for one that feels right for you.

I think you also a strongly supportive, yet direct, professional therapist or counsellor to lead you to insight about yourself on how you think, feel, act and ultimately enable.

q