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kindaunwell
01-11-2004, 12:58 PM
HI,ya Lass

Well I guess that last topic broke the Board ,because it has Blanked out the reply button on me, so I figured I would start a new thread with youn name as the topic!!! Ta-Da--!! Hope you don't mind, but it was the only way I could think of to get a post to Ya. WE can change it if you want... I have always liked your posts and John 3:16's post. Both of you always come across as truthfully and with compassion, and I like you guy's humor. Being an NYC'er, I can usually pick up on the "so-so" people on this Board. Although most people here are very nice and sincere....
Somewhere deep inside of me I have, (What always turns out to be a long post anyway) the desire to make my drug use history, (not the white-washed version, either) public to you and John 3:16, even though I know everyone on this Board will be able to see it too!!! But I am getting more comfortable with alot of people here. I know most of them are here just triing to help other people, or they are here because they are seeking help. And who knows, I just might inspire a Lurker to finnaly come out of the closet!!!! I must have Lurked here afew months, just reading everyone's stories and seeing how the Veterans responded with good advise and never any criticism, before I finally wrote alittle bit of "my story" to John 3:16. And her kind responce made me feel better.Like I wasn't alone anymore with my secrets and drug using. Cause, for one reason or another, I just couldn't tell most of this stuff to my wife and family or friends. Keeping up that "Wall" is hard and lonely to do,sometimes.....And I always felt I had a certain "image in their eyes" that I had to maintain. (Although alot of the time it meant lying or deceiving them,and that just made me feel worse).... yinksy, do you think this is what alot of people on this Board have gone through also.????? Well, I guess this is one of my shorter (Yeah,Right! LOL!) and more serious posts this time. Although I do like reading your posts to me cause they are sometimes funny and I can really relate to alot of what you say on all subjects.
Anyway ,my "over on the other side of the pond,friend'.....
Take Good Care,

(A just Wondering) Kinda-unwell..

rosietee
01-11-2004, 04:05 PM
So sorry to butt in here,but I had couple questions for kinda unwell (better now?) By the way, I grew up on the east coast and lived in NYC for a couple years before I moved out here to Southern California. I loved New York so much. Watching the intro shots to Saturday Night Live last night made me so nostalgic.

Anyways, I am trying to taper and I think I need NA meetings. I keep procrastinating though (easy to do with 2 little ones). You said you were hesitant to go, but I was wondering if you are going to try. I still haven't gone yet, but was wondering if you had tried it or are going to do any therapy or other support group or are you just done and no worries? I am sure there are a ton of groups there you could try out. There are a few here. Let me know, if you feel comfortable talking about it, what kind of support you have for staying clean.

BTW, I could really relate to your insomnia stories. Insomnia has historically been one of my biggest enemies and one of the hardest obstacles to recovery. Hated trazadone, loved ambien (but like to take too much).

Congratulations and thanks for the inspiration from "the other side". I enjoy reading the banter between you and yinsky (but I hope you don't feel like I'm "spying" on you).

(an envious) Rosie

John 808
01-11-2004, 04:19 PM
Hey Kinda,

Thanks for talking sweet about me in your post- my emotions are running high today and it has been an extremely hard day! I fiercly debated some topics I would normally just leave be....I don't why....I am just mad at the drugs right now and the position they (and I) have put me in. Wihdrawals are bad today- I made myself get up and shower and take my kids for a bike ride while I ran and I came home and just cried and finally crashed for an hour or so. I have eaten three Oreo's and about four little bags of those fruit chewies (of my kids)- have absolutely no appetite. I have lost two pounds over the weekend and I don't really need to loose anymore weight because I am only 110. Anyway, here I am rambling away about my struggles....did you sleep last night? I know you will eventually get it worked out, but I know in the meantime it is so hard to function with no sleep.

Hopefully you will hear from Yinsky soon! (Hey, Yinsky!)

Ya'll take care,
Michelle

kindaunwell
01-11-2004, 08:01 PM
HI,Rositee

By all meams, feel free to be apart of our posts.( Besides I usually post soo long I sometimes think I put yinksy, and John 3:16 to sleep before they can even finished reading!LOL!!).I've haven't gone to a NA meeting yet, only because of----- I can't really think of a true reason. Believe it or not, I really am Kinda a shy person and it takes me along time before I drop my suspicion of other people.....
There was a movie once"Turn up the volume", where the main star (up and comming young guy, you would know his name if you heard it or saw him) was a real, quiet, geekey kinda guy who never talked or looked at his fellow students when he was on the out side. But at night,he would turn into something completely different!! His parents had given him a short-wave radio that he modified into a Pirate Radio station, And when he "Flipped on the swith" and the whole town in Phoenix could hear him, his personality would change into a prett cool dude, extrovert. and he had no problem expressing his opions on anything. I usually don't compare myself to people in a made up movie, but I am kinda like him. I am real at ease on the Web here, but if I just met you in public somewhere, I would act kinda shy, and it would be real hard to get me to open up, Ya know ????. But I do believe it is worth a shot, and I'll probabally look for one this week. Hey, if I don't like , I just walk away from it,and maybe search for another one, Right?? When it comes to getting around the law, or by-laws, I can B.S. with the best of them! I say this because I thought I read in another post somewhere, that you were suppose to be "Clean" to be allowed to attend<<<<< But don't quote me on that, I may be wrong... Others on this Board may know for sure. Ask them, I would like to know myself.
Anyway Rositee, I'apolgise
but I have only briefly looked at some of your posts. Did you say you were Cold- turkeying from Vikes, or tappering down . Write back, cause I would like to know more about ya> I spent some time in Garden Grove and Anaheim in Southern Cal.......

Kinda-unwell

rosietee
01-11-2004, 08:59 PM
Hi, Kinda-unwell,

Thanks for your post. Yes, I am attempting a taper. A tiny bit of cheating and rearranging but definitely a big decrease from where I was (a good 20-30 10/325 hydro's a day) So I was taking 5 at a time and now I take 3 at a time at increasing intervals, at least for a few more days, when it goes down again.

"But I do believe it is worth a shot, and I'll probabally look for one this week. Hey, if I don't like , I just walk away from it,and maybe search for another one, Right??"

Those have been my thoughts exactly.

"I thought I read in another post somewhere, that you were suppose to be "Clean" to be allowed to attend"

I should call NA and ask. I did ask about suboxone and that was okay. But being a "taperer" might be a no-no. Or maybe if I go 4 hours after my last dose maybe I am then "clean" for the meeting?? Works for me. Well if we go, maybe we can compare stories. Let me know.

Thanks for sharing. Have a good night.
Rose

kindaunwell
01-11-2004, 09:41 PM
Hi,Ya,John 3;16

I forgot to tell ya , I mentioned your posting name to my wife,and she started quoting it from her memory. But I asked her to take out The Good Book, and she read the whole thing and more to me. She was amazed I was interested, and said I thought you told me you don't believe in this stuff anymore. I said, I never said I don't believe, its just that I Doubt alot of things I can't see or touch nowadays. ( Hence my nick-name from the nuns in school, St.Thomas (The doubting one) They always made me play his part in any of the school plays we had. Even the one where Jesus comes back to the appostles when they are eating dinner and I have to put my fingers through the holes in his hands and feet.
Anyway,I just wanted you to know I liked the way those words sounded....... And you my dear, sounds like "Casey Jones" is begining to hit you with the full weight of his freight train. Stay there and take it . Just immagine its a 4-5 day constant baby labor thing, and you have done it 3 times already. Ha! thats real easy for a man to say huh??? I remember when I cold trukeyed, I
was a real ornery son of a gun. Thats why I'm here for you Michelle (Such a pretty name...) Give me your anger. Give me your pain. Give me your rantings and your outbursts. Make believe I am the pills (Your cause of all this craziness). Hell, go ahead and curse me out!! You have got to say it to someone. Let it be me.... I've been there and felt the same misery you do now, and I am strong enough now to take it... Want to start an argument with me. go ahead and try, I'm ready for anything you got to say, even if you say it over and over again.I can make you exhausted, going back and forth with you. and thats what you need about now. When your mind screams at you"how can anyone know how I feel or what I'm going through" I am telling you I do Know, so go ahead and make me prove it. I am a your demon fighter. Go ahead and take a shot at me. I can turn from being a good guy to an ***-kicker, just that fast (In a New York Minute!!) I mean it Michelle, sometimes you just want to lash out at no one in particular. I'm asking you to point your rage at me. No holds barred. Heck, I've had worst said to me than anything you could say....So what, I'LL slice you up in a post 2-3 weeks from now. But right now I think you just need to vent ,,and I"m the volcano waiting for you to erupt..... TRY it, you might like it. Never know till you try...

(Waiting for your best shots....)

Kinda-unwell.....

yinksy
01-12-2004, 05:50 AM
Hello ajustwondering Kinda-unwell
Sorry - having had a wonderful new thread headed up in my name - I clean forgot to answer your query! Mind you - I have answered it - I think - on another thread!
You talk about the "wall of deceit" that we put up? Yes - I reckon you are dead right about it. Of course we have to be deceitful - how could be bear to tell our loved ones what we are really like and what we get up to in our darkest moments? But - do we really think that they dont see? I think we deceive no-one but ourselves. I found this out when I went along to AA. Its wonderful to be able to be totally honest - not necessarily with a whole room full of people - but at least to a chosen person. And to know that absolutely everyone in the room has felt the same. Gives you great hope - realising that you are not alone and not hopeless! The lonliness of addicition is dreadful? You feel so much NOT like the rest of the world? Yet - you come to realise just how much addiction in one form or another is out there. I guess we are the lucky ones - the ones who realise that we are addicted and wish to do something about it. How many addicts just keep performing?
Hey hey - how did it go today at the docs and/or the shrinks? I am always fascinated by how much americans have access to shrinks. Just does not happen over here. Occasionally one hears of someone going to a psychiatrist - but its usually for something really extreme - or perhaps criminal. Its just not a routine thing here. Our general practitioner generally deals with everything thrown at him. Never - in all the times that I have ever attended a doctor - even during taper from benzos - was it ever suggested that I might attend a psychiatrist! Sounds kind of romantic - a trip to the shrink! But I guess its not. Also - not meaning to be at all controversial - I dont think a lot of store is set by psychiatry - too inexact to be a science - so not regarded very highly.
But - do tell all? What does the shrink offer by way of help and advice? Is he better than your doctor? Or is it all just a procedure that you have to go thro for the sake of employment/sick leave? If I am being too nosey - just tell me so - I wont mind! Just blame the genes! LOL
Wishing you well - and hours of peaceful sleep!
Y

John 808
01-12-2004, 06:25 AM
Hey Kinda...

Actually, I had my "break down" late yesterday afternoon- I was trying to force down some soup and after four or five bites I ran to the bathroom and began vomitting. It ended up being mainly dry heaves as there was nothing on my stomach and I just broke down saying, "I can't do this..." and my husband came in and got me back in bed and held me while I just let it all out. I said in an earlier post, I think that helped because I am not as emotional today. But thanks for offering to be my punch-bag (you know, we southern girls have alot of bite to us)...you may want to re-think that offer! :)

I appreciate your concern and support and don't forget to let me know how your doctor's visit goes and.....keep the Good Book out and read a little! :)

Take care of you, Yankee!
michelle

yinksy
01-12-2004, 07:07 AM
Great to hear you sounding so positive, Michelle.
Hope things start to really improve now for you,
Y

kindaunwell
01-13-2004, 09:32 PM
Hello ajustwondering Kinda-unwell
Sorry - having had a wonderful new thread headed up in my name - I clean forgot to answer your query! Mind you - I have answered it - I think - on another thread!
You talk about the "wall of deceit" that we put up? Yes - I reckon you are dead right about it. Of course we have to be deceitful - how could be bear to tell our loved ones what we are really like and what we get up to in our darkest moments? But - do we really think that they dont see? I think we deceive no-one but ourselves. I found this out when I went along to AA. Its wonderful to be able to be totally honest - not necessarily with a whole room full of people - but at least to a chosen person. And to know that absolutely everyone in the room has felt the same. Gives you great hope - realising that you are not alone and not hopeless! The lonliness of addicition is dreadful? You feel so much NOT like the rest of the world? Yet - you come to realise just how much addiction in one form or another is out there. I guess we are the lucky ones - the ones who realise that we are addicted and wish to do something about it. How many addicts just keep performing?
Hey hey - how did it go today at the docs and/or the shrinks? I am always fascinated by how much americans have access to shrinks. Just does not happen over here. Occasionally one hears of someone going to a psychiatrist - but its usually for something really extreme - or perhaps criminal. Its just not a routine thing here. Our general practitioner generally deals with everything thrown at him. Never - in all the times that I have ever attended a doctor - even during taper from benzos - was it ever suggested that I might attend a psychiatrist! Sounds kind of romantic - a trip to the shrink! But I guess its not. Also - not meaning to be at all controversial - I dont think a lot of store is set by psychiatry - too inexact to be a science - so not regarded very highly.
But - do tell all? What does the shrink offer by way of help and advice? Is he better than your doctor? Or is it all just a procedure that you have to go thro for the sake of employment/sick leave? If I am being too nosey - just tell me so - I wont mind! Just blame the genes! LOL
Wishing you well - and hours of peaceful sleep!
Y


Hi, Yinksy

I haven't really been posting much lately. I'm kinda in a semi depressive mood. Or maybe just a case of the "Blahs"..... I liked the way you talked about that "wall of deceit". You expressed it "right on the money". I know I've said to afew people already that I was going to go to a N.A. meeting, but, I haven't. I don't know why. Maybe its fear of even more people finding out about my past, maybe I've turned Anti-Social, or maybe I just don't want to see "Real" other people, who were (are) just like me. Fear of something,I guess.... Its alot easier to post and read on this Board.....
My company's Doctor is keeping me on Medical Leave until middle of Feb. Which is fine by me,>>>> gives me more time to do Physical Thearapy. The "shrink" says I am much better now, than when we first met two months ago. I don't think there will be a problem there. But she does work for the Company, i'm never" Too Honest" With her!! She doesn't really know the problems that
"lie behind these blue eyes".....
Well, don't get too upset with me, but I took another Ativan, and its beginning to kick in. Post back when you can, I'm just gonna lay here awhile And read some posts......
Take Good Care,

(Just) Kinda-unwell