PDA

View Full Version : Wish I could find a sub Dr.


samilam
01-13-2004, 07:11 PM
I don't post very often but I read every day, I take 150mg of which ever codone I can get. I am Rx'd 180 7.5 lortabs a month for bursitis in my hip and carpel tunnel.
I abuse them, I lie about them and they are tearing my family apart. I want to quit so bad, but..... (always a but with me)... I have 3 small girls to care for ages15 months, 5 and 7. I have been on these nasty things for about 2 years. I am complety taken over by them. I have been in rehab 2 times. I was only clean for 10 days total. I detoxed once at home and only lasted 3 days.

I have called every sub doctor in a 50 mile radius and none of them are accepting new patients. I wan't so bad to think about and have money for something else. I am in alot of pain tho- and have surgery on my hands coming up soon. But ya know what.... If I could just get in to see a sub doctor I would go without . Just to be able to enjoy a beautifull day or go to dinner with my husband or anything without thinking about a pill.

My husband uses mildly, he is not a pill head, however he drinks daily. My mom abuses them, as does my sister.
I feel like they have taken over my entire family.

This morning, my 15 month old baby ate one. I had them on the dresser and she climbed up on the bed and put them in her mouth, I did't see her untill she had the second one. I don't know for sure that she ate it but I can't find it. I made her throw up and It looked to be a disolved pill. I called posion control and they told me she would be fine, but what kind of mother is this?

My other 2 are running around telling people Rachel at a lortab this morning! Goodgrief!

I would give anything to stop , and I would but I just get so sick.
Any advise on how to get in to a sub doctor?
Thanks
Sam

Banker
01-13-2004, 08:08 PM
Oh Sam... I would have FREAKED if that happened to me. I have an 18 month old and I can't imagine the panick that you had. I'm going to be honest with you, just like several people had to be with me. When it comes to your kids, you have to take EXTREME actions to get off of these pills. Remember, extreme situations calls for extreme measures. Can you imagine how you would have felt if you didn't catch it in time and she would have died? I'm not sure how you could get through something like that because you would have blamed yourself for having them around. Listen, where there is a will, there is a way! You need to start searching for a Sub doctor within a 100 mile radius, or a 200 mile radius. You've GOT to do something NOW! This alone should have scared you enough to do whatever it takes to get off of them. I realize that you have been trying to get help but you have to do whatever it takes, immediately. Stop taking lortabs and flush them all. If you have to go cold turkey until you can find a sub doctor, do it. If you have to call a methadone clinic and go every morning, do it. Just try to stay on a low dose (no more than 30 mgs) and when you find a sub doctor, you can switch to sub (obviously, under his directions). Sam, this is serious when you talk about not only endangering your life but the lives of your children. I realize that it's possible that could have happened to anyone, but I bet if you were clean as a whistle, you would have been more careful and probably would not have left them there to begin with. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm trying to help you understand that I don't think you can wait on a Sub doctor to arrive within your area. Think about it this way - what options do you have right now? Can you go to a local addictionologist (or even a regular MD) and tell them you need a catapres patch or clonodine (these are blood pressure meds and will help with withdrawals). The first doc I went to prescribed me this but I knew it wasn't going to work so I didn't give up. I continued until I found a sub doctor and got help. I realized that I couldn't stop on my own so you have to get help, immediately. Even if that means hospitalization to help detox you. While you are trying to get better... you can still be searching for a sub doc that you can drive to. Even if it's out of state. When you come off of the pills, you will realize that even though we all think we are supermoms while on the drugs, that just isn't the case. Our relationshps suffer because you are totally consumed w/this addiction. I'm speaking from experience and not trying to judge you or fuss at you. I had a hard, long talk about getting help w/several of my friends and particularly, he just kept telling me over and over that I would lose my kids if I didn't stop what I was doing. And he was absolutely right. Please, just don't take anymore and if you find you have to taper, let someone else hold them for you. I really do apologize if I'm coming accross ugly... It's just the only thing that was a wakeup call for me. You CAN do this. Just keep calling to see who can help you and in the meantime, start going to meetings or do whatever it takes. Please forgive me and understand that I've been exaclty in your shoes and i needed someone to speak the truth to me to FORCE me to get help. Please consider what I'm saying. If you can get to meetings, do so as soon as you possibly can. Please, the next accident could be deadly wheher it's you or one of the kids. Please writ back and let us know what is going on... Take care and I'm praying HARD for you!!! Also, I'm dead tired so I'm heading to bed. Please keep in touch w/us. I promise not to be so harsh on your the next time. It's only because I've been there and I want for you to get better.

John 808
01-13-2004, 08:58 PM
Hi Sam!

It pains me just to say this, but you are going to have to just "buckle down" and taper off or go cold-turkey, because I promise things will only get worse!

Does your husband know that you are abusing them? Can you go to him and rely on his help and strength? If you go cold-turkey (which is what I have to do, because I have no will power for a taper), you will need about 3-5 days of just being "held up..." a slave to the bed, couch, and bathtub. Which I know is almost next to impossibe...I have three children also...5, 4, and 1, but after what happened today...that has to be a wake-up-call!

Please continue to post and I will help in anyway I can. I know it is so very hard...I have been (and still am to a certain degree) in your shoes. I can honestly say, "I know what you are feeling." Please think about your options and keep in touch.

God bless,
michelle

chefob1
01-14-2004, 03:31 AM
if you look up bupenorphine/suboxone/subutex/buprenex on the internet they will give you info on doctors able to prescribe those three meds...i drove 230 miles one way once a month to get my med prescribed then they fed ex it every month thereafter......chef

samilam
01-14-2004, 04:21 AM
I wish I had a car that would make it 230 miles. :rolleyes: With a hefty habit such as mine, doesnt leave alot of money for the finer things. I have a 89 van that is on its last leg, but I bet my mom or sister might take me.

I don't usually leave the pills around, I left them out for my husband to take. He did't take all of them. It was a huge wake up call for me, but you have to know rachel. She is very rotton and spoiled. She is my last baby. I have been on the phone with posion control more with her than the other two combined. lol. She is a mess.

My husband told me he didn't want me to quit, I think he is worried about a potential divorce if I am clean. If I start talking about quitting, he puts me on such a guilt trip before I can get one day clean that I start using again more than I did before.

I never ment for it to get like this, I had bad migraines when I was pregnant, They had me in the hospital and then on percoset or lortabs for the rest of my pregnancy, I had the baby via c-section and another big script of percoset and then one of lortab. During this time I had a king size quilt to make for my grandads new wife. everyone was counting on me to make her chirstmas gift. My gallbladder went septic the middle of novemeber and the surgon put me on lortab untill the infection cleared up I used the pills for the energy they gave me to complete the quilt with a septic gallbladder and a brand new baby recovering for c'section and getting my tubes tied. Dec, 4 I had my surgery and was kept on pain meds for 3 weeks following. Come Christmas I was out of pills sick as a dog and ready to pay for them.

Please don't think I am a horrible mother, I am not. I can say I am more moody than most, but allway there for my kids. I can't remember how or who I was before. Im sure it was better, I know I was happy.
Sorry it is so long.
Cheif,
Im gunna call today. There are a few drs in charlotte that may see me. Its a 3 hr drive.

sam
I

Banker
01-14-2004, 04:51 AM
Sam - I absolutely do not think you are a bad mother. Remember... I've only been on Suboxone about 6 weeks and prior to that, I was taking 20 lortab 10s per day so I know exactly what you are talking about. I promise, I do not think you are a bad mother. I'm just saying from experience that when I was using, even though I was still caring for my kids doing everything I was supposed to do, I still wasn't my normal self and once I began to see with a clear mind, I realized that I actually wasn't caring for them as well as I normally would have. They weren't neglected or anything like that while I was using. I just know there were little things I would forget or I would be so preoccupied with getting pills, there were times when they would come second to me finding a babysitter and getting to my 'friends' house to get some more pills. I realize more than anyone that you do not have control over these pills, as I didn't either. I could not stop and Suboxone was my only hope at the time. I'm afraid that If I didn't find Suboxone... my rock bottom would have been being homeless and losing custody of my kids for not being able to provide for them financially because I was choosing to spend so much money on drugs. I used to give my 'friend' a little more $$ than required just so he would act quicker when I needed the next round... and it worked but left me BROKE. I'm actually meeting w/an attorney tomorrow to finalize my bankruptcy. I'm losing my house because i'm so behind on my house payment, I can't catch up. We are having to move from a nice 3 bedroom house in a very nice part of town to an apartment. Of course, now that I have all of this 'extra money' each month, we will be able to live great now but it's sad that my children won't have a back yard to play in. Anyway, one more thing about your husband... Since I started the Suboxone, I don't drink at all... and my boyfriend actually said to me at a party the other night "I'll be glad when you start drinking again"... So I know how you feel about that part of it too. I'm sure your husband does not want you to succeed because that will mean that he will not be far behind you in getting help but you absolutely have to. Again, I promise I don't think you are a bad mom, I just know that I've been there. I put the pills in front of everything... my work, my boyfriend, my kids, everything. That's what happens... you lose control of them and I know exactly how that feels... it's very scary and the only way you can stop abusing is to get some help because you cannot do it by yourself. Please listen to my experiences and realize it is only going to get worse... you will end up losing your kids if you don't stop now. I promise.... I'm a Vice President at a bank and if it can happen to me, it can happen to you.

sadsister
01-14-2004, 05:33 AM
Sam-
YOU are NOT a badmommy!Please don't torture yourself w/ these thoughts.
Your addicted to pain medicine.You are not abusive/or neglectful..the pill probably fell off the dresser.I understand the panic tho..its such a rollercoaster.
Please keep checking the suboxone sites and the doc whom prescribes the pain meds might be able to give you subox..
Sub was my way out and it sounds like you are a perfect candidate..2 yrs of opiates..makes real changes in your chemistry.
Honey..just go easy on yourself and try to get some help.I was in 5 detox programs i thought id never get off the opiates..
Love your babys/get some help/you'll be ok..there is hope!Hold on!
love/respect
Heather

samilam
01-14-2004, 05:38 AM
Thank you Banker!
I know I need help, I want it, for myself and my family. Im getting ready to go make some phone calls. Thanks for all the advise and support, I need it. It sounds like the sub is so wonderfull, I was accepted at the methadone clinic but it is 50 miles away and you have to go every morning, it is not covered by my insurance so it is cash 15 dollars a day plus the gas and sitter to get there.
So I really feel in my heart the sub is for me.
Thanks
Teresa

chefob1
01-14-2004, 06:20 AM
i get my methadone strait from my doctor..he writes me a script for 42 10mg every week,a seven day supply..a doctor who knows addiction/medicine can prescribe methadone for chronic pain/or addiction... you are aware docs need an 8hr class on bupenorphine,then can prescribe,but only have 30 patients...and that same doc can write a script for methadone...i was in the clinic mode back in 1984..it was terrible..more drugs at the clinic than anywhere on the streets...not a good recovery area...good luck...chef...outpatient bupenorphine/florida......

Banker
01-14-2004, 03:44 PM
How old are your kids again? I've heard so many mothers talk on here about taking their kids w/them to the clinic. I just think it's better than the alternative right now which is abusing the meds. Maybe just in the interim... Just a thought. Have you thought about attending AA/NA meetings? Keep us posted. I can relate with you so much because of the children and everything else so please continue to let me know how you are. I really do think of you and pray for you!