PDA

View Full Version : Who's awake on this Graveyard Shift???


kindaunwell
01-14-2004, 10:25 PM
Hi, to whoever is still awake!!
I made an Insoniac's worst mistake!!! >>>> I ended up taking a 4 hour sleep from around 7:00PM to 10:30PM earlier tonight, so I know there will be NO SLEEP for me now. I don't think even medication will put me to sleep...
BadAttitude >>> you still working the graveyard shift, or did you switch to P.M.'s. LOL!!!
Rosie, did you make it to the meeting last night. Lets see, its only 10:20PM out in Cal. ,so maybe you're still there???. And even if you didn't go, come on line and talk to me about it. I "certainly" will understand.... Hey yinksy, I haven't heard from you in awhile. How have things been going for you,Lass ???
Anybody else out there feel like talking. I feel like it....

(As he hollers into the void)
Kinda-unwell

BadAttitude
01-14-2004, 11:20 PM
Hi, to whoever is still awake!!
I made an Insoniac's worst mistake!!! >>>> I ended up taking a 4 hour sleep from around 7:00PM to 10:30PM earlier tonight, so I know there will be NO SLEEP for me now. I don't think even medication will put me to sleep...
BadAttitude >>> you still working the graveyard shift, or did you switch to P.M.'s. LOL!!!
Rosie, did you make it to the meeting last night. Lets see, its only 10:20PM out in Cal. ,so maybe you're still there???. And even if you didn't go, come on line and talk to me about it. I "certainly" will understand.... Hey yinksy, I haven't heard from you in awhile. How have things been going for you,Lass ???
Anybody else out there feel like talking. I feel like it....

(As he hollers into the void)
Kinda-unwell

Hey, Kindaunwell
Well I can relate to making the same mistake have done the same thing several times in the last few weeks. I am going to try to hit the bed about 3 a.m. this morning I am going to take some Tyenol PM to help me sleep at I have classes (college class) and I need to try and get a little shut eye before class. It's like 2:19 a.m. here so I will be on here for about another 45 minutes if you want to talk. Yeah, I wonder if Rosie went to the NA meeting or not, if she did I would love to hear how ot went for her.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

kindaunwell
01-14-2004, 11:44 PM
Hey, Kindaunwell
Well I can relate to making the same mistake have done the same thing several times in the last few weeks. I am going to try to hit the bed about 3 a.m. this morning I am going to take some Tyenol PM to help me sleep at I have classes (college class) and I need to try and get a little shut eye before class. It's like 2:19 a.m. here so I will be on here for about another 45 minutes if you want to talk. Yeah, I wonder if Rosie went to the NA meeting or not, if she did I would love to hear how ot went for her.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~


Hi,BadAttitude
Good luck on getting to sleep early today (3:00AM <<<I guess that is early for you (us) isn't it ???). I gotten afew hits on my "graveyard"post, but I guess no one feels like talking. Or they are just Lurkers, who haven't begun to post yet!!! I did that for a month or two myself.

Well, we will talk again some other time. I hope your class goes well for you. And your Mind is alert!! .....

(Waiting at the Void)
Kinda-unwell

BadAttitude
01-15-2004, 12:36 AM
Hi,BadAttitude
Good luck on getting to sleep early today (3:00AM <<<I guess that is early for you (us) isn't it ???). I gotten afew hits on my "graveyard"post, but I guess no one feels like talking. Or they are just Lurkers, who haven't begun to post yet!!! I did that for a month or two myself.

Well, we will talk again some other time. I hope your class goes well for you. And your Mind is alert!! .....

(Waiting at the Void)
Kinda-unwell

Hi, Kindaunwell
Haven't made it to bed yet as I had planned up doing some reading for my class tomorrow and also doing some research. You still can't sleep ? Are you going to go back to the doctors and see about getting a medication change to help you sleep?
Well will be on here for a few more minutes if you want to talk.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

rosietee
01-15-2004, 12:39 AM
Hi, kinda, I did post about the meeting under the NA thread.

On the subject of insomnia:
You had asked me before about my insomnia, and it has always been caused by anxiety and/or depression. The first anti-depressant I tried was trazadone and I just loved being able to go to sleep! I think it helped a little with my depression, but I felt a little too groggy during the day and I stopped it. (I am on Prozac now) But if I use the trazadone for sleep now it makes me feel panicky for some reason. I love the way ambien makes me feel. It really helps, but I develop a tolerance really fast. My ob/gyn has been calling it in for me, but doesn't like me to be on it every night, so I have been trying to take half a pill and stretch it out a little before a try for a refill. (she might not go for it, though) I used to take Prosom and that worked pretty well too. It was awhile ago, so I don't remember the non-brand name of it. I did OD on those once, but that is a whole nuther story. (didn't want to die and knew I wouldn't on those, but was really depressed and in a bad situation and wanted to sleep for a looong time, but ended up in the hospital for a week. It was after my late husband committed suicide) I did get Halcion once and that stuff worked great, but when the doctor found out I was taking it every night for a week, he cut me off (I heard nasty things can happen to you from that stuff). When I am really dying for sleep in the past I have just reached for anything I could get, benzos, pain pills, alcohol, just for the sleep. But in the state we are in now, that of course is not an option.

To be honest, if you can make yourself do it, exercise and a good yoga video are the best for me. Just haven't been doing that lately. The kids don't go to sleep until 10 and that's the only time I get to talk to my husband, and it is hard to get motivated to go downstairs and exercise, even though I know I won't sleep.

okay, I have rambled enough. Reading this might just be the best cure for your insomnia, kinda. I'm picturing you face down in front of your computer by now.

Talk to you later and stay warm. (It was in the 80's here today!) I went to college in upstate New York and decided I had to get away from that weather (much worse than in the city).

Thanks for thinking about me,
rose

rosietee
01-15-2004, 12:45 AM
Okay, I guess my last post put everyone to sleep, so I'm going to bed now and hopefully I'll sleep too. (until my 5:00 dose anyway)

Good night everyone, as always, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

rose

kindaunwell
01-15-2004, 12:45 AM
Hi, Kindaunwell
Haven't made it to bed yet as I had planned up doing some reading for my class tomorrow and also doing some research. You still can't sleep ? Are you going to go back to the doctors and see about getting a medication change to help you sleep?
Well will be on here for a few more minutes if you want to talk.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~


BadAttitude.
I probably will stay up the rest of the night, and into the day. I will call the doc at 9:30. Cause something has to change here. I know over-medicating will get me addicted muck quicker than usual. But I want my sleep time back!!!!! Oh, by the way, Rosie just posted she did go to the meeting .More on that later.....

Kinda-unwell

BadAttitude
01-15-2004, 01:00 AM
Hi, kinda, I did post about the meeting under the NA thread.

On the subject of insomnia:
You had asked me before about my insomnia, and it has always been caused by anxiety and/or depression. The first anti-depressant I tried was trazadone and I just loved being able to go to sleep! I think it helped a little with my depression, but I felt a little too groggy during the day and I stopped it. (I am on Prozac now) But if I use the trazadone for sleep now it makes me feel panicky for some reason. I love the way ambien makes me feel. It really helps, but I develop a tolerance really fast. My ob/gyn has been calling it in for me, but doesn't like me to be on it every night, so I have been trying to take half a pill and stretch it out a little before a try for a refill. (she might not go for it, though) I used to take Prosom and that worked pretty well too. It was awhile ago, so I don't remember the non-brand name of it. I did OD on those once, but that is a whole nuther story. (didn't want to die and knew I wouldn't on those, but was really depressed and in a bad situation and wanted to sleep for a looong time, but ended up in the hospital for a week. It was after my late husband committed suicide) I did get Halcion once and that stuff worked great, but when the doctor found out I was taking it every night for a week, he cut me off (I heard nasty things can happen to you from that stuff). When I am really dying for sleep in the past I have just reached for anything I could get, benzos, pain pills, alcohol, just for the sleep. But in the state we are in now, that of course is not an option.

To be honest, if you can make yourself do it, exercise and a good yoga video are the best for me. Just haven't been doing that lately. The kids don't go to sleep until 10 and that's the only time I get to talk to my husband, and it is hard to get motivated to go downstairs and exercise, even though I know I won't sleep.

okay, I have rambled enough. Reading this might just be the best cure for your insomnia, kinda. I'm picturing you face down in front of your computer by now.

Talk to you later and stay warm. (It was in the 80's here today!) I went to college in upstate New York and decided I had to get away from that weather (much worse than in the city).

Thanks for thinking about me,
rose

Hi, Rosie
Do I don't think you are rambling, I am very greatful that you replied not only to my post but also about how your NA meeting went. I am sorry that this meeting wasn't the right one for you but keep trying and you will find the right one that you feel comfortable in.

So sorry to hear that you also have problems sleeping, and that you have had to try so many sleeping pills to be able to get some sleep. I don't have problems sleeping persay I only have problems sleeping at night. I hate sleeping at night I am a night person, I love to stay up all night that is the time I most feel the most alive and sleep during the day, my problem is society being just the opposite, I can't take college classes at 3 :00 a.m. in the morning or work at least not the types of jobs I generally do. :rolleyes:

Yeah, I went back to college don't get me wrong I love working in substance abuse but I wanted to be able to explore other areas of education while I had the oppurtunity. I will probably go back to working as a substance abuse counselor in anther 1 1/2 years after I get the two degrees that I am working on right know.
Yes, I know working out (lifting weights) always tire me out I usually spent about an hour working out and it usually makes me tired I need to quit making excuse for not working out and get back out to my garage and hit the weights.
Well I guess I will talk to you somemore tomorrow, as I better try to get some sleep or I will never make it to class tomorrow. Take care. Will talk to you sometime tomorrow night. Hope you have a great day. :)

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

kindaunwell
01-15-2004, 01:01 AM
Okay, I guess my last post put everyone to sleep, so I'm going to bed now and hopefully I'll sleep too. (until my 5:00 dose anyway)

Good night everyone, as always, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

rose


Thats great news to hear,Rosie!!!!You must have more Bravardo than me. LOL!! Anyway, I read your description of how the meeting went on your other post, But I am still curious, Do the instructors act like "holy rollers or control freaks" Is there much arguing going on???? Anyone appear stoned and obnoxious??? When you can, tell me more....

(A Curious) Kinda-unwell

BadAttitude
01-15-2004, 01:06 AM
BadAttitude.
I probably will stay up the rest of the night, and into the day. I will call the doc at 9:30. Cause something has to change here. I know over-medicating will get me addicted muck quicker than usual. But I want my sleep time back!!!!! Oh, by the way, Rosie just posted she did go to the meeting .More on that later.....

Kinda-unwell

Hi, Kindaunwell
I am going to go to bed now, I seen Rosie's update on the NA meeting and had to reply to her. And then seen your reply so I thought i would post to you real quick, yes, please do see about changing your med's not only will you be come addicted easier but sleep depervation is very bad on our body and will cause your body to do all kinds of crazy things.
I will talk to you tonight somtime I usually come one sometime after 9:00 p.m. so will talk to you some more later and you can let me know what the doc said.
I have to go to class in a few hours so I am going to take (2) Tyenol PM and hope I can get some sleep. :rolleyes:
Take care.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

spark-o-cet
01-15-2004, 04:49 AM
sorry people i died last night and finally got some sleep after 3days and nights of no sleep.the fog is startin to lift in my head so maybe the good times are just gettin started.im sure there will be more sleepless nights ahead so ill check back again.-spark

yinksy
01-15-2004, 06:23 AM
OOOOOO kinda - yep - you are right - I am going to shout at you!
Honestly - you are going to have to really look in the mirror and ask yourself what you really want!
If you want to be drug/chemical free and regain control of your life then you are going to have to be prepared for sleepless nights and discomfort until your brain has got itself sorted out. Taking ativan in the amounts which you have been taking will make you foggy and depressed etc. I am not surprised you are not sleeping - I dont think you are giving yourself a chance. The brain has its own fail safe mechanisms and sleep will come - in time. But not if you continue to take further psychotropic drugs. I simply disagree with people who advise you to go to the doctor and get further chemical remedies for sleep!
Believe me - I have been there...... done that!
Sorry to be so blunt. But the situation you find yourself in could be turned to your advantage. You have been detoxed - and this is your chance to be free at last. Are you going to sieze this chance or not?
I hope you do.
Lecture over!
I wish you all the very best!
Y

ddanna
01-15-2004, 09:29 AM
Hello,

I'm just curious...this insomnia that you all are experiencing...is it from coming off pain pills? I guess I haven't read all of your guys' stories so excuse me for not knowing this. I cannot imagine how it feels to have insomnia. I have never had it although lately it seems like I have been going to bed later & later...I hope when the kids get back in school (Feb) I will get back to my 10pm curfew. What does insomnia feel like? Are you wired but know you should be sleeping? Or are you tired but can't fall asleep? Will this happen to everyone who cuts down on their pills? Why does it happen during w/d's? Here's some questions to keep you guys busy tonight! :D

Hope tonight finds you guys in bed earlier than usual! Oh and Rosie, I laughed at the comment you made about putting the night owls to sleep with your post and how you pictured them face down at their computer while reading it...too funny. I totally visualized that & LOL!!

Take care, Ddanna

kindaunwell
01-15-2004, 10:05 PM
OOOOOO kinda - yep - you are right - I am going to shout at you!
Honestly - you are going to have to really look in the mirror and ask yourself what you really want!
If you want to be drug/chemical free and regain control of your life then you are going to have to be prepared for sleepless nights and discomfort until your brain has got itself sorted out. Taking ativan in the amounts which you have been taking will make you foggy and depressed etc. I am not surprised you are not sleeping - I dont think you are giving yourself a chance. The brain has its own fail safe mechanisms and sleep will come - in time. But not if you continue to take further psychotropic drugs. I simply disagree with people who advise you to go to the doctor and get further chemical remedies for sleep!
Believe me - I have been there...... done that!
Sorry to be so blunt. But the situation you find yourself in could be turned to your advantage. You have been detoxed - and this is your chance to be free at last. Are you going to sieze this chance or not?
I hope you do.
Lecture over!
I wish you all the very best!
Y


Hi Ya, yinksy

I understand what you are saying, and why you are saying it.......
And I still remember how good I felt (Not that long ago) when I was totally drug-free, except for the Celexa. And sometimes I know I can be very stubborn (Irish!!) and stupid (Irish,again!!!). Believe me, I hear it almost everyday, from my wife too, about taking the Ativan! But she just says for me to lie down next to her, close my eyes, and sleep will come to me. That was the way it use to be...... Even when I was on the opiates and other things, that was the way I could fall asleep. She just doesn't understand (Do You ???) that this time its just different than before. I just can't stand it (Mentally) when I have to wait 30 something hours, before I can get just a few hours sleep, and then it begins all over again!!! I really do hate this cycle----- and I really do hate having to take pills, that sometimes still can't defeat this insomnia. Thats when I rebert back to my old self and just start over-medicating until I finally do defeat it. Then I feel guilty and ashamed whenever I wake up....

Its not like I am doubting what you say. I agree with you. But it feels like I am back on drugs again, and I have to 'cold-turkey" again. I am soo sick of it all, and I just want to sleep, and get my mind together again... I "napped" earlier (without) any pills, when my wife and I were sitting on the couch, watching T.V., I slowly laid my head in her lap, and she started to run her fingers through my hair. Just like a shaggy dog, it felt soo pleasant, I drifted off to sleep. But when she had to get up to get ready for bed, and I was disturbed, my brain just clicked on again, and now I am wide awake, and its going on 1:00 AM!!! Theres no way I am going back to sleep again, unless I take 2 or 3 Ativan... The cycle begins again!!! So you see, I understand what you say to me, But I just can't seem to stop it, or get control of it. Do you understand what I am triing to tell ya, yinksy. And I get so mad at myself because its soo frustrating.....

Boy, I guess I lost my sense of humor this morning. Sorry!!! But I still talk alot, don't I (???).
But I do so much appreciate your posts to me. Sometimes they make me smile, and makes me think about some fun times from my past.... But sometimes I know I need A good "Hollering-at". Although I'll only take it from someone who understands what I feel like (Like You). and maybe some other people I've come to respect on this Board....
Anyway, you are probably sleeping now, so I'll go for now, and see if I can find anyone else to talk to.

Sweet Dreams,me Lass

(Just Me) Kinda-unwell

spark-o-cet
01-15-2004, 10:09 PM
im here and wide awake kuw.cant sleep a wink so i just got up and watched some tv.the jones are gonna get me yet if im not carefull.anyway just checkin in on the graveyard shift-spark

kindaunwell
01-15-2004, 10:25 PM
im here and wide awake kuw.cant sleep a wink so i just got up and watched some tv.the jones are gonna get me yet if im not carefull.anyway just checkin in on the graveyard shift-spark



Hi, spark-o-cet

I don't know if I should feel sorry or glad you are awake on this "grave-yard" shift. Mostly, I've only found BadAttitude up at this time and even later into the morning. How are you doing??? Aren't you "cold-turkeying" off of the vikes or loratabs??? I guess if you seen my post to yinksy, you kinda know my present delemma. But go ahead and tell me whats- up with you ???.....

Kinda-unwell

BadAttitude
01-15-2004, 10:29 PM
Hi, spark-o-cet

I don't know if I should feel sorry or glad you are awake on this "grave-yard" shift. Mostly, I've only found BadAttitude up at this time and even later into the morning. How are you doing??? Aren't you "cold-turkeying" off of the vikes or loratabs??? I guess if you seen my post to yinksy, you kinda know my present delemma. But go ahead and tell me whats- up with you ???.....

Kinda-unwell

Hi, Kindaunwell

I see that you are still not getting any sleep. :nono:
Did you call the doctor today about getting something to help you sleep?
Well I am online and will be for a while if you want to talk, I am working on some school work and will check back in a little while to see if you want to talk.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

kindaunwell
01-15-2004, 11:03 PM
Hello,

I'm just curious...this insomnia that you all are experiencing...is it from coming off pain pills? I guess I haven't read all of your guys' stories so excuse me for not knowing this. I cannot imagine how it feels to have insomnia. I have never had it although lately it seems like I have been going to bed later & later...I hope when the kids get back in school (Feb) I will get back to my 10pm curfew. What does insomnia feel like? Are you wired but know you should be sleeping? Or are you tired but can't fall asleep? Will this happen to everyone who cuts down on their pills? Why does it happen during w/d's? Here's some questions to keep you guys busy tonight! :D

Hope tonight finds you guys in bed earlier than usual! Oh and Rosie, I laughed at the comment you made about putting the night owls to sleep with your post and how you pictured them face down at their computer while reading it...too funny. I totally visualized that & LOL!!

Take care, Ddanna



Hi Ya, Ddanna

You are right about that remark Rosie said. I actually did let out a small audible laugh, and then wondered if I woke my wife up. She already thinks I've lost "half" my mind. If she hears me laughing out loud in the middle of the night, all by myself, it will definately mean a trip to the hospital again for me.....LOL! <<< I mean "laugh out quietly"!!!!!

Insomnia is something I never had in my whole life, until now. I use to hear the stories from people who did have it, but I couldn't relate to them because usually I could sleep anywhere, at any time. Now I can relate to them.... You do get it for awhile when you either wean-down, or cold-turkey off of pills. It usually only lasts 2,maybe 3 weeks, but each day after you are totally off the pills (After the first week, that is) it gradually keeps getting a little better.
My problem with it is I was on so many different kinds Of hard-core stuff, both legally and illegally, for so many years, that my doctor has told me it could take months before my serotonin levels get back to normal. And I keep prolonging that, the more I take sleeping pills (Anti-depressants, that make you sleepy),Of which could start a "new" addiction!!!
Insomnia to me is ,my body gets tired (I usually stay up about 30 hours at a time, sometimes less), but my mind either feels like I am "coked-up", wired-like, or tired , but just not enough to let you sleep. You are definately aware of it ,but there is nothing you can do if you have a heavy-duty case of it .Even alot of exercise doesn't help, nor reading, or any other mental exercises. You just plain ole stay awake!!!! Even my Ativan doesn't work alot of the times,so I just keep taking more than I should, hopeing I'll finally fall asleep. Its really very frustrating and depression usually sets in. Which is odd because Ativan is a very strong anti-depressant.
Let me know if you want to hear more,Ddanna, but for now, just enjoy your sleep......

(Up and Atom) Kinda-unwell

BadAttitude
01-15-2004, 11:25 PM
Hi Ya, Ddanna

You are right about that remark Rosie said. I actually did let out a small audible laugh, and then wondered if I woke my wife up. She already thinks I've lost "half" my mind. If she hears me laughing out loud in the middle of the night, all by myself, it will definately mean a trip to the hospital again for me.....LOL! <<< I mean "laugh out quietly"!!!!!

Insomnia is something I never had in my whole life, until now. I use to hear the stories from people who did have it, but I couldn't relate to them because usually I could sleep anywhere, at any time. Now I can relate to them.... You do get it for awhile when you either wean-down, or cold-turkey off of pills. It usually only lasts 2,maybe 3 weeks, but each day after you are totally off the pills (After the first week, that is) it gradually keeps getting a little better.
My problem with it is I was on so many different kinds Of hard-core stuff, both legally and illegally, for so many years, that my doctor has told me it could take months before my serotonin levels get back to normal. And I keep prolonging that, the more I take sleeping pills (Anti-depressants, that make you sleepy),Of which could start a "new" addiction!!!
Insomnia to me is ,my body gets tired (I usually stay up about 30 hours at a time, sometimes less), but my mind either feels like I am "coked-up", wired-like, or tired , but just not enough to let you sleep. You are definately aware of it ,but there is nothing you can do if you have a heavy-duty case of it .Even alot of exercise doesn't help, nor reading, or any other mental exercises. You just plain ole stay awake!!!! Even my Ativan doesn't work alot of the times,so I just keep taking more than I should, hopeing I'll finally fall asleep. Its really very frustrating and depression usually sets in. Which is odd because Ativan is a very strong anti-depressant.
Let me know if you want to hear more,Ddanna, but for now, just enjoy your sleep......

(Up and Atom) Kinda-unwell

Hi, Kinda
Well I am out of here for tonight I will still be up but I have a lot of homework to do so I will catch you tomorrow maybe.
Take care and I hope that you get to feeling better.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

rosietee
01-15-2004, 11:31 PM
OK, is anyone just a little bit annoyed at Ddana for not knowing what insomnia is like? Just wondering. I'm lucky, though, today I had a 3 hour nap with my girls. I"m like you, kinda, my body just doesn't want to sleep at night, whether I nap or not. I just took a klonopin, so I"m hoping I'll be asleep soon. My computer is making this horribly loud noise, which just came on, so I got up to turn it off and thought I would check in with you guys. Tomorrow is my husband's birthday and I have done nothing--was going to do a card with the girls tonight, but he came home earlier than expected. Oh, also, my almost-3-year-old locked me out today, so it was a day of high drama. (A neighbor was able to talk her through unlocking a side door.) Taper is going so-so, still taking less than before but didn't make much of a move down today as I should have. I"m going to try to make up for it tonight, but I have to be careful that I don't wake up with bad withdrawals because then I always, but always take at least one extra. Good luck with the sleep, kinda. and to me too, for that matter. I might come back on later, but darn it this computer is so loud now, like a lawnmower. Oh, and stay warm (just saw the news and heard you guys are having a cold snap in New York?) Don't miss that. It's been in the 70's here.

over and out,
rosie

kindaunwell
01-15-2004, 11:32 PM
Hi, Kindaunwell

I see that you are still not getting any sleep. :nono:
Did you call the doctor today about getting something to help you sleep?
Well I am online and will be for a while if you want to talk, I am working on some school work and will check back in a little while to see if you want to talk.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~



Hey, BadAttitude

How did you feel in school today ??? Or are you use to it (???) I hate the feeling of tiredness when I have to make my personal rounds, go see Doctors,or actually if I have to do anything. Especially if I have to travel long distances by train or bus. With me earphones on, easy-sounding songs on, my hat pulled down over my eyes and my head leaned back, THATS when I can go to sleep easily!!! I've traveled the city trains afew times, where I go from point A to point B and back to pointA again, before I wake up, and then I got to do the trip all over again!! And once or twice I've done it twice in a row. LOL!!! A two hour round trip has taken me 6 hours to finally complete.... My wifes says sometimes to put on my warm clothes, take my mp3 player, and just go ride the "E" train (Cause its a long ride,and stays underground all the time keeping it warmer than some of the other Lines) !!! LOL!!! Now I feel wide awake and feeling silly too.....
So, let me know how it went for you today, AUTUMN, and what kind of mood you are in ????

Kinda-unwell

kindaunwell
01-16-2004, 12:41 AM
OK, is anyone just a little bit annoyed at Ddana for not knowing what insomnia is like? Just wondering. I'm lucky, though, today I had a 3 hour nap with my girls. I"m like you, kinda, my body just doesn't want to sleep at night, whether I nap or not. I just took a klonopin, so I"m hoping I'll be asleep soon. My computer is making this horribly loud noise, which just came on, so I got up to turn it off and thought I would check in with you guys. Tomorrow is my husband's birthday and I have done nothing--was going to do a card with the girls tonight, but he came home earlier than expected. Oh, also, my almost-3-year-old locked me out today, so it was a day of high drama. (A neighbor was able to talk her through unlocking a side door.) Taper is going so-so, still taking less than before but didn't make much of a move down today as I should have. I"m going to try to make up for it tonight, but I have to be careful that I don't wake up with bad withdrawals because then I always, but always take at least one extra. Good luck with the sleep, kinda. and to me too, for that matter. I might come back on later, but darn it this computer is so loud now, like a lawnmower. Oh, and stay warm (just saw the news and heard you guys are having a cold snap in New York?) Don't miss that. It's been in the 70's here.

over and out,
rosie


HI Ya, Rosie,

You always have funny things happening to you, or at least you MAKE them sound funny. You must keep your husband laughing alot with your sense of humor....... And you are right about the cold weather here!!! And a couple inches of snow. The University, ( ST. JOHN's, if you can still remember your old New York City) was closed for today, and so my wife had off. After sleeping in late, she walks out into the living room and what does she see ??? Me, still wide awake doing some Web research. Just like she last saw me in the same spot on the Web, last night.!!! She just can't understand Insomnia...... Thinks I am taking Coke or have just lost my mind ,cause I am so wide awake all the time and usually doing something. ( Out of all the drugs I have done ,I tried it, but Coke or any kind of Speed just never appealed to me much...). Thats cause my drugs either allowed me to sleep, or actually put me to sleep. So, she has never seen me wired before! She is so straight and naive when it comes to drugs and street stuff. She was born into a wealthy family, traveled alot, and went to all girl Boarding schools overseas. She is Philipinno/French, and I am just a third generation NYC Irishman, grown up in an alcholic and bigoted household, with alot of profannity. All of her's or my friends never dreamed we would ever last when I first met her and asked her out. Although I rejected my Father's lifestyle ( just like my sister and brothers did!) I was still kinda wild when we met, though. Alot of drugs usuage that I was able to hide from her. Without knowing it, she probablly saved my life after I realized I loved her and wanted to marry her.

Ahhhh, what am I doing ,going on with these boring details with you. Now, I bet, You are probablly the one with your head down in front of your "noisy" computer fast asleep after reading half my post!!! LOL!! .The way you said that yesterday made us "nightowls" really have a good laugh....

When you can ,post to me and tell me more about "The Meetings".......
You know, I spent 2 years in Fort Ord,--- right next to Monterey, before going overseas. When I got out of the service, I bounced around Anaheim, Garden Grove, and Newport Beach for a couple of years. Then some other states, before, this ole bird, finally came back to his Roost. I'm a little older than what my file says.... So, don't think This NYC'er doesn't know how beautiful life can be In Southern Cal.....

Take Good Care, ROSIE.....


("California Dreaming")

Kinda-unwell

yinksy
01-16-2004, 06:23 AM
Hi Ya, yinksy

I understand what you are saying, and why you are saying it.......
And I still remember how good I felt (Not that long ago) when I was totally drug-free, except for the Celexa. And sometimes I know I can be very stubborn (Irish!!) and stupid (Irish,again!!!). Believe me, I hear it almost everyday, from my wife too, about taking the Ativan! But she just says for me to lie down next to her, close my eyes, and sleep will come to me. That was the way it use to be...... Even when I was on the opiates and other things, that was the way I could fall asleep. She just doesn't understand (Do You ???) that this time its just different than before. I just can't stand it (Mentally) when I have to wait 30 something hours, before I can get just a few hours sleep, and then it begins all over again!!! I really do hate this cycle----- and I really do hate having to take pills, that sometimes still can't defeat this insomnia. Thats when I rebert back to my old self and just start over-medicating until I finally do defeat it. Then I feel guilty and ashamed whenever I wake up....

Its not like I am doubting what you say. I agree with you. But it feels like I am back on drugs again, and I have to 'cold-turkey" again. I am soo sick of it all, and I just want to sleep, and get my mind together again... I "napped" earlier (without) any pills, when my wife and I were sitting on the couch, watching T.V., I slowly laid my head in her lap, and she started to run her fingers through my hair. Just like a shaggy dog, it felt soo pleasant, I drifted off to sleep. But when she had to get up to get ready for bed, and I was disturbed, my brain just clicked on again, and now I am wide awake, and its going on 1:00 AM!!! Theres no way I am going back to sleep again, unless I take 2 or 3 Ativan... The cycle begins again!!! So you see, I understand what you say to me, But I just can't seem to stop it, or get control of it. Do you understand what I am triing to tell ya, yinksy. And I get so mad at myself because its soo frustrating.....

Boy, I guess I lost my sense of humor this morning. Sorry!!! But I still talk alot, don't I (???).
But I do so much appreciate your posts to me. Sometimes they make me smile, and makes me think about some fun times from my past.... But sometimes I know I need A good "Hollering-at". Although I'll only take it from someone who understands what I feel like (Like You). and maybe some other people I've come to respect on this Board....
Anyway, you are probably sleeping now, so I'll go for now, and see if I can find anyone else to talk to.

Sweet Dreams,me Lass

(Just Me) Kinda-unwell

OK, just me kinda unwell!

I reckoned it was worth having a pot shot at you! Was pretty sure it wouldnt work - cos it wouldnt work on me either!
Well, Thomas - are you ever going to believe me?
Mmmmmmmm? - probably not!
Och - of course I understand your position - maybe even more than you might imagine. I suspect too that we might be ages with one another! So - that's two mouldies, then?
What you describe to me - was exactly as I felt (especially this time around) - and not very long ago either! Its a real brute? This "insomnia". My husband cannot understand at all -he says its "murder polis" being in bed with a fidget! Why cant I just lie still - and I am sure to fall asleep. Nope - you just cannot explain it to a normal person! And yes - like you - I too would just take a handful of ativan - why take one when you can take 6? That's me to a t!
And yes - it is a dark place to be and deeply distressing? Depressing too - there just never seems to be a way to break the cycle?
I think I just got lucky. At some point I had just had enough and was willing just to throw in the towel. I simply couldnt take it any longer. I felt utterly hopeless and desperate. So - there I was - stuck on opiates and benzos - what a mess!
My doc advised I just chuck the pain killers and start on a benzo taper. Ha ha ha? If only it were that easy? So - believe it or not - I tapered off benzos over 7/8 months - feeling pretty bad the whole time - and yet clung onto my pain killers. Irish really? Benzos are highly highly addictive and yet I could give them up before I was willing to part with my codeine? Doesnt make any logical sense at all! So - having got off benzos - last autumn - I continued on my merry way with pills! No sweat - I could chuck it any time! Huh! Well - led me to the place where I started to take ativan again - and that was so unnacceptable to my frazzled wee brain that I decided - enough. So - here I am - not very long off all the chemicals - daring to tell you what to do? If I were you I would tell me to take a running jump!
All I can say is that I had to take an almighty leap of faith (should be easy enough for a born and bred Irishman! LOL) - and just believe that my body would cope. And - I think that is what I have done. Day after bloomin relentless day I suffered the horrors of opiate withdrawal and then all the garbage that follows on - the worst being the insomnia. So many people (including doctors) said to me to get along to the surgery and get something for sleep - OK - if I didnt want to go the way of benzos etc then I could get trazodone or remeron or god alone knows what else - to let me sleep. Oooo - I was so so so tempted. Indeed one afternoon - in sheer desperation - I phoned the surgery - but couldnt speak to the doctor at that precise moment. I hung up the phone and just collapsed! But - thank goodness! A few minutes later my resolve kicked back in (some people might suggest a spitirual moment?) - and I knew that way led down that deep dark tunnel again. I was done for if I did that - I was so sure - just the end of the road - I couldnt take it psychologically any more. Mentally - I was kicked into touch! Just the end. Chemicals cannot be the answer?
So - kinda - I stuck it out for another couple of weeks (was truly hellish - really really hellish - I aint pretending! just like you - totally unable to switch off) - but eventually sleep came - slowly - not in an "awakening" - scuse the pun - OUCH! But one night I slept for 3 hours - and then 5 etc. So - now back to 6 or 7 - which is just fine. I no longer worry about sleep - if it doesnt happen - it doesnt happen - big deal - I know now for a fact it will come again.
So - I am sorry for being so pedantic - didnt mean to be - but I so know where you are just now - and I so know where you could easily be in a week or two if you just believed in yourself and your ability to heal.
After all what is there to lose? You feel dreadful just now while taking ativan - you know you are back into a "drugs cycle" - you dont even sleep - you have really had enough? So - you have nothing to lose by trying? Chuck away all the pills and just get thro it on a daily basis? Dont look further ahead than a few hours. Just cope. Some things just have to be bourne?
I was fortunate too in that I realised how bad ativan made me feel - the morning after taking ativan I always felt rotten. OK - mug of coffee and I was up and away ......... but not really feeling that wonderful natural well-slept kind of thing at all. I see people in here saying how well they feel in the mornings after taking xanax, klonopin, ativan and the rest - and frankly, my dear, I dont believe it for a second. Perhaps they have convinced themselves that they feel fine - but they must really have forgotten what it genuinely feels like to be drug free and well slept!!
I dont suppose I am conveying this very well - just wish I could wire you up to my skull so that you could see it all in 3D! Then, Thomas, you might well believe?
Hey - your wife sounds fab! What does she do at the university? Does she lecture? Subject?
Yep - I know - I am dead nosey!
We are 5 hours ahead of NY I think? So - when I come on of a morning at 9 or 10.00 - that will be 4 or 5.00 am for you - I will come and see if you are about? Hopefully though - it will all become for you a thing of the past. Already I feel I have lived through some sort of horrific dream! Bit - it wasnt a dream - was reality. Sheer hell. Unbelievable really.
Och - for sure - we must be stronger and better people for coming out the other end? Dont u think?
Sweet dreams!!!!!!!
yer lass!
X

kindaunwell
01-16-2004, 04:16 PM
OK, just me kinda unwell!

I reckoned it was worth having a pot shot at you! Was pretty sure it wouldnt work - cos it wouldnt work on me either!
Well, Thomas - are you ever going to believe me?
Mmmmmmmm? - probably not!
Och - of course I understand your position - maybe even more than you might imagine. I suspect too that we might be ages with one another! So - that's two mouldies, then?
What you describe to me - was exactly as I felt (especially this time around) - and not very long ago either! Its a real brute? This "insomnia". My husband cannot understand at all -he says its "murder polis" being in bed with a fidget! Why cant I just lie still - and I am sure to fall asleep. Nope - you just cannot explain it to a normal person! And yes - like you - I too would just take a handful of ativan - why take one when you can take 6? That's me to a t!
And yes - it is a dark place to be and deeply distressing? Depressing too - there just never seems to be a way to break the cycle?
I think I just got lucky. At some point I had just had enough and was willing just to throw in the towel. I simply couldnt take it any longer. I felt utterly hopeless and desperate. So - there I was - stuck on opiates and benzos - what a mess!
My doc advised I just chuck the pain killers and start on a benzo taper. Ha ha ha? If only it were that easy? So - believe it or not - I tapered off benzos over 7/8 months - feeling pretty bad the whole time - and yet clung onto my pain killers. Irish really? Benzos are highly highly addictive and yet I could give them up before I was willing to part with my codeine? Doesnt make any logical sense at all! So - having got off benzos - last autumn - I continued on my merry way with pills! No sweat - I could chuck it any time! Huh! Well - led me to the place where I started to take ativan again - and that was so unnacceptable to my frazzled wee brain that I decided - enough. So - here I am - not very long off all the chemicals - daring to tell you what to do? If I were you I would tell me to take a running jump!
All I can say is that I had to take an almighty leap of faith (should be easy enough for a born and bred Irishman! LOL) - and just believe that my body would cope. And - I think that is what I have done. Day after bloomin relentless day I suffered the horrors of opiate withdrawal and then all the garbage that follows on - the worst being the insomnia. So many people (including doctors) said to me to get along to the surgery and get something for sleep - OK - if I didnt want to go the way of benzos etc then I could get trazodone or remeron or god alone knows what else - to let me sleep. Oooo - I was so so so tempted. Indeed one afternoon - in sheer desperation - I phoned the surgery - but couldnt speak to the doctor at that precise moment. I hung up the phone and just collapsed! But - thank goodness! A few minutes later my resolve kicked back in (some people might suggest a spitirual moment?) - and I knew that way led down that deep dark tunnel again. I was done for if I did that - I was so sure - just the end of the road - I couldnt take it psychologically any more. Mentally - I was kicked into touch! Just the end. Chemicals cannot be the answer?
So - kinda - I stuck it out for another couple of weeks (was truly hellish - really really hellish - I aint pretending! just like you - totally unable to switch off) - but eventually sleep came - slowly - not in an "awakening" - scuse the pun - OUCH! But one night I slept for 3 hours - and then 5 etc. So - now back to 6 or 7 - which is just fine. I no longer worry about sleep - if it doesnt happen - it doesnt happen - big deal - I know now for a fact it will come again.
So - I am sorry for being so pedantic - didnt mean to be - but I so know where you are just now - and I so know where you could easily be in a week or two if you just believed in yourself and your ability to heal.
After all what is there to lose? You feel dreadful just now while taking ativan - you know you are back into a "drugs cycle" - you dont even sleep - you have really had enough? So - you have nothing to lose by trying? Chuck away all the pills and just get thro it on a daily basis? Dont look further ahead than a few hours. Just cope. Some things just have to be bourne?
I was fortunate too in that I realised how bad ativan made me feel - the morning after taking ativan I always felt rotten. OK - mug of coffee and I was up and away ......... but not really feeling that wonderful natural well-slept kind of thing at all. I see people in here saying how well they feel in the mornings after taking xanax, klonopin, ativan and the rest - and frankly, my dear, I dont believe it for a second. Perhaps they have convinced themselves that they feel fine - but they must really have forgotten what it genuinely feels like to be drug free and well slept!!
I dont suppose I am conveying this very well - just wish I could wire you up to my skull so that you could see it all in 3D! Then, Thomas, you might well believe?
Hey - your wife sounds fab! What does she do at the university? Does she lecture? Subject?
Yep - I know - I am dead nosey!
We are 5 hours ahead of NY I think? So - when I come on of a morning at 9 or 10.00 - that will be 4 or 5.00 am for you - I will come and see if you are about? Hopefully though - it will all become for you a thing of the past. Already I feel I have lived through some sort of horrific dream! Bit - it wasnt a dream - was reality. Sheer hell. Unbelievable really.
Och - for sure - we must be stronger and better people for coming out the other end? Dont u think?
Sweet dreams!!!!!!!
yer lass!
X


Hi Ya, Yinksy

That last line of yours, "Sweet Dreams" Awwww Thats a knife in me back.!!! Its been along time sinse I had Sweet Dreams....

Please don"t think of my posts as something I do just to antagonise you! <<<< Well, there are times when I might like to do that to you alittle!!LOL!! But when either you or I get serious about something (like this Insomnia thing), then I get real serious and listen to you (with no doubt in my mind!). Because I know you are speaking from expierence and offering it to me with compassion...... I know (FEEL) what I am doing with the sleeping pills is wrong. At least for me. They are just another hole that I am begining to fall into, a hole in which you say is even deeper than opiates. I do believe what you have told me to be true.... Although, at times, you must think you are talking to the south end of a northern facing Mule. Sometimes, for no particular reason, I continue to do stupid things, even when I know I can get hurt by it. I usually have to depend on luck or friends to snap me out of it. Sometimes, neither one is there, and I get all screwed-up!!! But this time you are here. And you got me to thinking. I can still stop this from happening ......

Thanks for being there, through your posts, yinksy..... I am gonna think this stuff out a little bit more.
Ya know, once apon a time , doing drugs and getting off them use to dominate my life. Now, all I seem to talk about is Insomnia. <<<<<< I must be a boring guy .......

I deserve that "hollering at" and I'm glad you are just "sassy enough" to give it to me...... Maybe in our next post I'll try to be funny again..

Take Good Care, me Lass in shinning armor.......

( Just A Thinking) Kinda-unwell

ddanna
01-16-2004, 06:01 PM
Hi Kindaunwell ~

Thanks for talking with me about insomnia! I hope my late nights don't become a habit and cause me to become an insomniac. I promised my husband that starting Mon. nite I will be in bed by 10:00 pm. I usually don't drink coffee but I have been drinking it lately. I also started taking a good multi-vitamin & I just saw that it said "high energy" on the label...I think there's extra B vitamins in it...I hope that's not bad. I also am taking NAC. Then add the cutting down of the hydro and I really don't know what is causing me to not be tired til midnight or 1:00 am. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I was being productive but I'm not! I just watch tv and eat ice cream (naughty!). Back in the old days when I did an illegal drug, the one thing that got me to stop taking it was the fact that I HATED that I couldn't get to sleep at night. I'd lay there all night, tossing & turning, and having those dreams where you're not sure if you are awake or asleep. Yuk, I couldn't stand knowing that everyone else but me was sleeping nicely.

I agree with you that Rosie has a lot of "fun" things happening to her. And I like the way she describes them too. You write some funny things as well. It sounds exciting to live in NY...only thing I wouldn't be able to handle would be the weather. Can't stand to be cold...I love heat. During the summer we vacation at a lake in Arizona and it can get up to 120 degrees there. That's actually too hot for me but 110 is okay if it's a dry heat. Just don't add any humidity!! That train riding you do sounds fun. We have Amtrak and Metrorail here but they don't sound as exciting as riding underground and probably not as cheap!

You seem like you may know a bit so I want to ask you something. You've heard of NAC, right? Have you ever taken it? Like I said earlier, I recently started taking it and I've noticed that now when I take my pain pills they don't give me the same feeling as they did before I was taking the NAC. You know what feeling I mean, right...the feeling that let's you know you took a pill? Do you know why this would be happening? Could it be the NAC or the multi-vitamin? Maybe I was lacking something? I have had a let up of my pain since I've been taking these things but I just want to know why???? I've searched the internet but can't find anything that makes sense of it...but maybe there is no sense to be made. I really don't mind not having that feeling as long as I don't have any pain and I'm not hurting myself with the NAC.

I have dropped my pill total to 14. I was at about 15-18, I guess. A lot of times, I never kept track. Now I'm writing down every time I take them and at what times. Having this stuff on paper makes it seem more important for me and it makes me stick to a schedule...well, closer to one than before anyway. Also, since the pain was letting up and I think I'm getting the vitamins I lacked, I mentally FEEL like I can do it. Whereas before, I didn't think I ever could. Of course, now I'll probably get a bladder infection or something that will mess me up but I think negative that way since becoming ill!

Anyway, I hope you are relaxing and maybe getting ready to think about going to sleep. Has it been 30 hrs yet? By the way, do you know what happened to Philster? I know he had been sick but I'm not sure who knows who (personally) on this board and I was hoping someone knew an update on him. Take care of yourself and hope you get the sleep you need & deserve!

Ddanna

kindaunwell
01-16-2004, 08:58 PM
HI Ya, Rosie,

You always have funny things happening to you, or at least you MAKE them sound funny. You must keep your husband laughing alot with your sense of humor....... And you are right about the cold weather here!!! And a couple inches of snow. The University, ( ST. JOHN's, if you can still remember your old New York City) was closed for today, and so my wife had off. After sleeping in late, she walks out into the living room and what does she see ??? Me, still wide awake doing some Web research. Just like she last saw me in the same spot on the Web, last night.!!! She just can't understand Insomnia...... Thinks I am taking Coke or have just lost my mind ,cause I am so wide awake all the time and usually doing something. ( Out of all the drugs I have done ,I tried it, but Coke or any kind of Speed just never appealed to me much...). Thats cause my drugs either allowed me to sleep, or actually put me to sleep. So, she has never seen me wired before! She is so straight and naive when it comes to drugs and street stuff. She was born into a wealthy family, traveled alot, and went to all girl Boarding schools overseas. She is Philipinno/French, and I am just a third generation NYC Irishman, grown up in an alcholic and bigoted household, with alot of profannity. All of her's or my friends never dreamed we would ever last when I first met her and asked her out. Although I rejected my Father's lifestyle ( just like my sister and brothers did!) I was still kinda wild when we met, though. Alot of drugs usuage that I was able to hide from her. Without knowing it, she probablly saved my life after I realized I loved her and wanted to marry her.

Ahhhh, what am I doing ,going on with these boring details with you. Now, I bet, You are probablly the one with your head down in front of your "noisy" computer fast asleep after reading half my post!!! LOL!! .The way you said that yesterday made us "nightowls" really have a good laugh....

When you can ,post to me and tell me more about "The Meetings".......
You know, I spent 2 years in Fort Ord,--- right next to Monterey, before going overseas. When I got out of the service, I bounced around Anaheim, Garden Grove, and Newport Beach for a couple of years. Then some other states, before, this ole bird, finally came back to his Roost. I'm a little older than what my file says.... So, don't think This NYC'er doesn't know how beautiful life can be In Southern Cal.....

Take Good Care, ROSIE.....


("California Dreaming")

Kinda-unwell



Hey, Rosie

How ya doing???. Are you still celebrating your Husband's Birthday?? Tell him "Happy Birthday" from all your Board friends, and we thank him for sticking by you as you go through your "ordeal"...... Let me know when you are back on-line, or did your computer Conk-out after making all that noise,like you said.

Take Good Care, Rosie

(As he prepares for his shift)

Kinda-unwell

John 808
01-16-2004, 09:07 PM
Hey Kinda,

I see your still up!!!! Me, too, obviously.

We did the "pallet party" thing with the kids and had to watch "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" with Jim Carrey for the ump-teenth time! Everyone is sacked out but Mommy. All the good spots (couch, fouton) are taken, too! I just may sneak off to my bed and have it all to myself tonight! :)

Maybe you can get a little shut eye tonight- count sheep!!!! (That never worked for me.) I'll be up for awhile if you want to post back.

Take care,
Michelle

kindaunwell
01-16-2004, 09:50 PM
Hi Kindaunwell ~

Thanks for talking with me about insomnia! I hope my late nights don't become a habit and cause me to become an insomniac. I promised my husband that starting Mon. nite I will be in bed by 10:00 pm. I usually don't drink coffee but I have been drinking it lately. I also started taking a good multi-vitamin & I just saw that it said "high energy" on the label...I think there's extra B vitamins in it...I hope that's not bad. I also am taking NAC. Then add the cutting down of the hydro and I really don't know what is causing me to not be tired til midnight or 1:00 am. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I was being productive but I'm not! I just watch tv and eat ice cream (naughty!). Back in the old days when I did an illegal drug, the one thing that got me to stop taking it was the fact that I HATED that I couldn't get to sleep at night. I'd lay there all night, tossing & turning, and having those dreams where you're not sure if you are awake or asleep. Yuk, I couldn't stand knowing that everyone else but me was sleeping nicely.

I agree with you that Rosie has a lot of "fun" things happening to her. And I like the way she describes them too. You write some funny things as well. It sounds exciting to live in NY...only thing I wouldn't be able to handle would be the weather. Can't stand to be cold...I love heat. During the summer we vacation at a lake in Arizona and it can get up to 120 degrees there. That's actually too hot for me but 110 is okay if it's a dry heat. Just don't add any humidity!! That train riding you do sounds fun. We have Amtrak and Metrorail here but they don't sound as exciting as riding underground and probably not as cheap!

You seem like you may know a bit so I want to ask you something. You've heard of NAC, right? Have you ever taken it? Like I said earlier, I recently started taking it and I've noticed that now when I take my pain pills they don't give me the same feeling as they did before I was taking the NAC. You know what feeling I mean, right...the feeling that let's you know you took a pill? Do you know why this would be happening? Could it be the NAC or the multi-vitamin? Maybe I was lacking something? I have had a let up of my pain since I've been taking these things but I just want to know why???? I've searched the internet but can't find anything that makes sense of it...but maybe there is no sense to be made. I really don't mind not having that feeling as long as I don't have any pain and I'm not hurting myself with the NAC.

I have dropped my pill total to 14. I was at about 15-18, I guess. A lot of times, I never kept track. Now I'm writing down every time I take them and at what times. Having this stuff on paper makes it seem more important for me and it makes me stick to a schedule...well, closer to one than before anyway. Also, since the pain was letting up and I think I'm getting the vitamins I lacked, I mentally FEEL like I can do it. Whereas before, I didn't think I ever could. Of course, now I'll probably get a bladder infection or something that will mess me up but I think negative that way since becoming ill!

Anyway, I hope you are relaxing and maybe getting ready to think about going to sleep. Has it been 30 hrs yet? By the way, do you know what happened to Philster? I know he had been sick but I'm not sure who knows who (personally) on this board and I was hoping someone knew an update on him. Take care of yourself and hope you get the sleep you need & deserve!

Ddanna


Hi, Ddanna

Have you gone to sleep yet???If you did,thats great! I think I'll be working this shift for a while tonight. So, you can come on at any time.

You should't be thinking negative about yourself. You have droped down some of your pills. So what, if its a slow wean. you take it at your own pace and be proud that you are correcting a
mistake you started along time ago. Take pride in the fact that you now know about it, and believe you will one day not need them. thats great that your back is giving you less pain. Use it as anothr excuse to drop another pill tomorrow. To be honest with you ,(Which use to be unusual for me), I never have heard of NAC (???) Is it apill that stops you from getting high when you take your Meds??? I guess NYC can be fun afew months of the year (at least it was for me growing up and running wild through all the Boroughs) But by getting older now, I see it as a nice place to visit, but I don't want to live here anymore......When the opportunity comes again,I will definately make the move back to Southern Cal. The weather was great,the beach parties were great, the woman were hot (Even hotter nowadays, I hear) Through my Irish Blue eyes I only look at my wife (Because she's still preety hot herself). But if she is not around , theres no hare in sitting in my beach chair , with my reflective suglasses on (AN absolute neccessity!!!). Strange, but the older I get, the more beautiful women look in all ages to me....

On Philster, I am not sure if any one really knows how he is doing, or if they do they are keeping mum about it, maybe at phils request. when he does come back, you'll see his name all over the place. He is much loved snd respected here......

Anyway,Ddanna. Write back or ask around what this NAC stuff is suppose to be about--- I would like to know myself ???

Take Good Care ,Ddanna

(Just me) Kinda-unwell

spark-o-cet
01-16-2004, 10:22 PM
im back on the graveyard shift and our taper man is aok get my drift-spark

kindaunwell
01-16-2004, 10:25 PM
Hey Kinda,

I see your still up!!!! Me, too, obviously.

We did the "pallet party" thing with the kids and had to watch "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" with Jim Carrey for the ump-teenth time! Everyone is sacked out but Mommy. All the good spots (couch, fouton) are taken, too! I just may sneak off to my bed and have it all to myself tonight! :)

Maybe you can get a little shut eye tonight- count sheep!!!! (That never worked for me.) I'll be up for awhile if you want to post back.

Take care,
Michelle



John 3:16

if you are sleeping by the time this posts finds you, Then I say "Great" !!! It shows that you are gaing some control over that SUB stuff, and you are now determining when you go to sleep. BY God girl, you just made up your mind and did something I never heard any one on this Board say could be done He didn't know it, but good ole Casey never stood a chance with you!!!!!!! maybe they should send over a bunch of those white coated lab boys from the sub manufaturer and ***** you full of needles. After all, you are a Hero,doing what hasn't been done before. Maybe there is a Barbara Walters Special comming up in your near future LOL!!! Write me a post and tell me how it feels to sleep naturely again . I think I kinda forgot......

Well I am soo happy for you, MICHELLE,Sometimes the Good Guys win after all.......

Take Good Care John3:16

(A Dreamless Dreamer)
Kinda-unwell

John 808
01-16-2004, 10:38 PM
Nope, not asleep just yet. Curled up with some Oreos and Jaws 2 is on television....but I do feel a little sleepy, so all is not lost yet!

Hey, now, I am not out of the woods, yet and you better not jinx me!!! :) I guess you didn't see my other post where the inlaws were coming tomorrow night. That's when I really dipped into the pills- to get me through those little visits, so, I gotta get through tomorrow night without ANYTHING! That will be true test! :)

Stay tuned for the continuing story.............
Michelle

kindaunwell
01-16-2004, 10:42 PM
im back on the graveyard shift and our taper man is aok get my drift-spark



Hey,Spark

nice to hear from you, and I am glad you broke the good news about our very own Good Merlin doing alright......I won't ask for your sources, but will he be back on the Board anytime soon (???) Alot of people have been asking about him for quite some time.....

What else is up with you Spark(???)

(A little Happier) Kinda-unwell

John 808
01-16-2004, 10:45 PM
Yeah, Spark, won't get too nosy, but is he okay? Just the "concerned Mommy" in me- always worry, worry, worry!

Tell him we miss him!
michelle

spark-o-cet
01-16-2004, 10:50 PM
yes and im doin really well at this point.been opiate free for 5days now and have really felt good today friday.it keeps gettin better and better just like phil said it would.still havin trouble sleeping guess you know that or i wouldnt be on right now.i think philsters story is what helped me to get to this point where im at just doin the little things in life sober rather than doped up all the time really makes a difference.im lookin forward to each day know that im over the jonesin but iv still got a long way to go to stay clean.get some shuteye-spark

ddanna
01-16-2004, 10:56 PM
Good Evening Kinda!!

Maybe I should have given the full name of NAC...it's n-acetyl-cysteine. That's okay if you've never heard of it...I do a lot of searches anyway. I did read that it helps the liver, kind of like milk thistle but I'm wondering if taking those supplements makes a difference with the hydro working? Thank you for your positive words though. Do you think you'll be getting sleepy anytime soon? Hey, is it true you can order Chinese food at 5 in the morning there if you want? I saw that on "Friends" last nite!! NY has always seemed exciting to me...I guess I could see your point on how it would get old though. S. Calif. is definately fun but in a more casual, layed back kind of way. I love the beaches as well...those dark glasses are a must, for sure! I don't know if you've ever been to Lake Havasu in AZ but it is VERY crazy there...way worse than any beach in Calif., I think. 9 out of 10 people there are HOT, HOT, HOT! Seems every generation is getting so much better looking than the one before. Well, I just wanted to take a peek and see if anyone was still up...give you some boring feedback so you have something to read here!! Hee Hee!! I'm going to do a few more searches before I go to sleep...my kids are still up watching "SWAT" so I have some free time. Please tell me you are about ready to get some sleep??? Good luck with that.

Ddanna

P.S. Spark ~ I am also SOOOOO happy that you told us that taper man is ok!!! Miss him.

kindaunwell
01-16-2004, 11:19 PM
yes and im doin really well at this point.been opiate free for 5days now and have really felt good today friday.it keeps gettin better and better just like phil said it would.still havin trouble sleeping guess you know that or i wouldnt be on right now.i think philsters story is what helped me to get to this point where im at just doin the little things in life sober rather than doped up all the time really makes a difference.im lookin forward to each day know that im over the jonesin but iv still got a long way to go to stay clean.get some shuteye-spark


WAy to go spark!! Boy your posts tonight are just filled with good news,eh? If I remember right, days 4 and 5 are like getting over the 'Breakers", theres still alot more waves to get past, but the odds slowly start to favor you, now..... Have you done this before???
Anyway, congradulations, again and post to us nightowls if the insomnia keeps at you or if you just feel like talking. Oh,Yeah, Tell Merlin I wish him well.....

Take Good CARE, Spark

(Just happy formy friends)

Kinda-unwell

kindaunwell
01-17-2004, 06:40 AM
WAy to go spark!! Boy your posts tonight are just filled with good news,eh? If I remember right, days 4 and 5 are like getting over the 'Breakers", theres still alot more waves to get past, but the odds slowly start to favor you, now..... Have you done this before???
Anyway, congradulations, again and post to us nightowls if the insomnia keeps at you or if you just feel like talking. Oh,Yeah, Tell Merlin I wish him well.....

Take Good CARE, Spark

(Just happy formy friends)

Kinda-unwell


Good morning to All !!!!

Well, its about 9AM and I still haven't gotten to sleep yet. I did hear sone good news on the "grave-yard" shift early this morning....>>>>> It seems Spark sent us a flash saying that "The Good Merlin,--- Taper Man. is begining to feel better. But I guess, he's still not up to Posting yet..... How does spark-o-cet get this kind of "Breaking News" first ???? Well, anyway, it is goog news, and I'm sure every one here is happy to hear it. Thanks, Spark and tell him we all have been pulling for him........ And you too, going on your 6th day of "cold- turkey !!! Way to go spark-o-cet !!!! How do you feel today ???. So, who else sits in front of their computer at 9:00 AM . Some of you guys and ladies I am not too familiar with, so I generally stay out of your posts...... But today, in NYC, theres a little sun out right now, and that frezzing cold- spell seems to have gone away, for now!

Well Everyone, Take Good Care....

(Not afraid of the Sun anymore!)

Kinda-unwell

yinksy
01-17-2004, 06:49 AM
Top o the mornin to Not afaid of the Sun anymore Kinda-unwell,

Ho ho ho - so still cold over there. Freezing here too - but beautiful - the hills are all covered in snow. The kids have all gone snow boarding!
So Kinda - wotcha up to today? Riding the trains? Hey - I can just picture the scene - you and me riding the trains guessing who's going to fall asleep first!
Well - I nearly came to find you last night - bad night - up in the wee small hours - thought of entertaining myself on the computer - but couldnt bear to get out of bed into the cold!

Think I'll take the dog for a walk in the hills - too good to miss!

It will be a "tired" day to trudge thro today - but no matter - I am off!

Hope your day goes OK? Carpe diem!

Y

yinksy
01-17-2004, 06:58 AM
:wave: yoohoo kinda?

lisaaahubb
01-17-2004, 07:03 AM
hey Kindaunwell...i am an east coaster too....i have been online since about 6:30 a.m. I don't have too much insomnia, i just get up at the crack of dawn!!! My two year old has taken on my sleeping habits too...NOT GOOD!!!
Well i just wanted to say "hi" to a fellow east coaster....it is not too cold here today about 25 or so....
I am searching for an addictionologist myself...and i guess it is just trial and error til you find one that you are comfortable with. What exactly do they do....are they like a shrink....i don't know i am contemplating suboxone....gotta stop this pain pill madness, i have 3 kids (ages 14, 12, and 2) and i know they deserve a "sober" mom. I kicked booze and coke in the mid 90's ...but these dam pain pills are a whole different story.
Well i just thought i would say "HI" and hope you have a good weekend and get some dam sleep!!!!!!
LISA

yinksy
01-17-2004, 07:09 AM
So Lisa - how are you?

John 808
01-17-2004, 07:52 AM
Kinda must have nodded off (finally) this morning.

You go your days and nights mixed up, Yankee! :)

Talk to me,
The belle from the south

kindaunwell
01-17-2004, 11:47 AM
Top o the mornin to Not afaid of the Sun anymore Kinda-unwell,

Ho ho ho - so still cold over there. Freezing here too - but beautiful - the hills are all covered in snow. The kids have all gone snow boarding!
So Kinda - wotcha up to today? Riding the trains? Hey - I can just picture the scene - you and me riding the trains guessing who's going to fall asleep first!
Well - I nearly came to find you last night - bad night - up in the wee small hours - thought of entertaining myself on the computer - but couldnt bear to get out of bed into the cold!

Think I'll take the dog for a walk in the hills - too good to miss!

It will be a "tired" day to trudge thro today - but no matter - I am off!

Hope your day goes OK? Carpe diem!

Y


Hi Ya, yinksy

I was just wondering, if I send this post to you at say 2:45 PM, what time do you actually get a chance to read it and reply if you feel like it ......

Anway, no sleep yet. but I am beginning to take it as it comes. I am much more passionate in the late night hours. I don't know why but I feel more passionate and communicative.

What are you still having trouble with (Besides me!!) LOL!!! If you really read between the lines of my previous post to you, I think you will be able to see that I really do blieve (NO DOUBT AT ALL) in all that you have said, and will try to use your words of encouragement. I mean that,
yinksy...... Like I said Before, sometimes you made me laugh, and at other times you were the right person, to give me the "hollering at' that I needed, to stay focused
I hope this "over the pond" relationship still stays with us after I get over this final hurdle. I wouldn't want to lose you as a friend,yinksy


It may take this stubborn Irishman alittle
more time to do it, but with you on my side, I know I will beat it

Thanks, yinksy

( A Keep ON TRUCKING Through) Kina-unwell

kindaunwell
01-17-2004, 12:48 PM
Hi, Kindaunwell

I see that you are still not getting any sleep. :nono:
Did you call the doctor today about getting something to help you sleep?
Well I am online and will be for a while if you want to talk, I am working on some school work and will check back in a little while to see if you want to talk.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~


Hey BadAttitude'

I hope you don't mind me using this thread in order to see if you were "out there" yet. seems to be a quiet day on the Board today. Maybe that means more people are comming off the stuff and don't have a need to come back to the Board <<<<< Thats Good Than..... Even though I will probablly still stay up for awhile more, who knows, give me a knock anyway.........

See ya, BadAttitude

rosietee
01-17-2004, 07:18 PM
I am glad, too that phil is ok and I am so impressed with spark's recovery. Way to go!! I want to get there too!

Sorry was so busy with my husband's birthday (we went out a few times) and now his old college roomate is spending the evening with us, so haven't had much of a chance to chat. computer still with us, though.

Don't stay up too late you guys!

rosietee

BadAttitude
01-17-2004, 10:42 PM
Hey BadAttitude'

I hope you don't mind me using this thread in order to see if you were "out there" yet. seems to be a quiet day on the Board today. Maybe that means more people are comming off the stuff and don't have a need to come back to the Board <<<<< Thats Good Than..... Even though I will probablly still stay up for awhile more, who knows, give me a knock anyway.........

See ya, BadAttitude

Hi, Kinda
I popped in a few times last night to see if anyone was around I did not see you on so I was hoping that you got some sleep. I am so over whelmed with school work right know so I am spending alot of time on that, I will pop in one or twice night to check you and how you are doing and if you are online or not.
Take care.
~Autumn~

kindaunwell
01-18-2004, 12:37 AM
Hi, Kinda
I popped in a few times last night to see if anyone was around I did not see you on so I was hoping that you got some sleep. I am so over whelmed with school work right know so I am spending alot of time on that, I will pop in one or twice night to check you and how you are doing and if you are online or not.
Take care.
~Autumn~
``



Hi Ya, BadAttitude

I see what you mean about there not being much action going on, this morning! What do you suppose it means ???? That there are more people who were "cold-turkeying" and have gotten past the insomnia stage (???).Or the ones who are still taking, are taking them around bedtime so they can get some "normal" sleep (???) Well too bad for me and wanting to talk to someone, BUT I guess its good for every one else that they are getting some decent sleep hours in.....

MY Pain Doctor told me to double up on the Ativan and the herbal stuff, and wait until this Tuesday ,when I see him. He says Insomnia and the types of Medications I might need, He is not that familiar with. I got a feeling this here Football (Me) is about to get Punted "to another team" Too bad though, WE had a good trustfull relationship between him and me (That is,when I wasn't ********ing him for more drugs....) LOL!!!! I guess I'll just wait and see.....
Anyway write when you can, and I'll cover the 'graveyard shift alone". This will give me time to post my entire drug hisory (from age 11 and up ).
Then I'll delete it all before anyone can read it, and I'll feel so much better inside for having it all purged from my soul!( unless I Cut, Copy And paste it on my personal page. HHmmmmmmm.....) Well, keep studying hard Autumn, when you want somthing, it seems like nothing can hold you back !!!!!!

PS--- if there are any lurkers out there , NOW is your time to post me ,cause I don't yell critcise, or condemm anyone. I just listen to your story, and when I can, I' ll offer some advise for you, But if I can't help, I'll just listen and understand, And the best part is we will never really know each other's names or faces, Right !!!! Come on, you do know how to type,

Don't YA !!!!!! ............

see ya later, Bad Attitude......

(just rocking in my chair, and looking into the hole........) ( get it, yinksy )

kinda-unwell

John 808
01-18-2004, 12:45 AM
Hey ya'll,

I am up- it only 2:30 in the morning here in the deep south! My one year old just woke me up screaming- she was attemtping to climb out of her crib and had gotten her foot stuck- so, I am wide awake now!

Yeah, there weren't many people posting all day yesterday. Wonder wha't up? Sobriety, maybe? I know that is a good thing, but I came to the boards three or four times and there were no new posts????? :rolleyes: I was a little lonely- chef finally posted one about dreams!

Kinda, you still rocking? ( I guess that is something b/t you and Yinsky- don't get it.)

I am going downstairs to see if anything good, old movies are on. I'll check back in a little while,
Michelle :)

kindaunwell
01-18-2004, 01:12 AM
Hey ya'll,

I am up- it only 2:30 in the morning here in the deep south! My one year old just woke me up screaming- she was attemtping to climb out of her crib and had gotten her foot stuck- so, I am wide awake now!

Yeah, there weren't many people posting all day yesterday. Wonder wha't up? Sobriety, maybe? I know that is a good thing, but I came to the boards three or four times and there were no new posts????? :rolleyes: I was a little lonely- chef finally posted one about dreams!

Kinda, you still rocking? ( I guess that is something b/t you and Yinsky- don't get it.)

I am going downstairs to see if anything good, old movies are on. I'll check back in a little while,
Michelle :)



Halt! Who Goes There ??? (says the night watchman !!!) HiYa, John 3:16

Thought you caught me with my eyes closed, did ya ??? Well we NYC'ers know how to sleep with one eye open all the time! LOL!! Its even taught to young kids in school, if they have to ride the trains and buses !!!!

How come you are still awake ?, I thought you had most of that insomnia under control......
But you are right about it being a quiet night. Hey, maybe there was a party somewhere that we didn't get invited too ??? LOL!!!
At 4 AM, Thats when we would head for the "after Hours" Clubs in the City.... WHAT do yo say , wanna go !!!LOL!!! Anyway,Michelle, you shoul be getting some "shut-eye" and be prepared for tomorrow's activities......

Have a Good NIGHT John 3:16


( I'll Be Here )............

Kinda-unwell

yinksy
01-18-2004, 01:41 AM
Kinda
You can rock to your heart's content - just dont fall off that rocker into the chasm!!!!!
How's u anyway?
me

yinksy
01-18-2004, 01:48 AM
OK - was so looking forward to hearing the confessions of a passionate sinful Irishman! Come on, KInda - I am all ears! Maybe you have gone and fallen asleep? LOL
Sorry - yep - can be rotten too!
Are you still around or have you finally gone off for the night. Tuis 9.50 am in the morning hear - bacon on etc
Then, of course, off to Mass! ho ho ho - will light a candle for you - or 10?
yer lass

yinksy
01-18-2004, 01:56 AM
``



Hi Ya, BadAttitude

I see what you mean about there not being much action going on, this morning! What do you suppose it means ???? That there are more people who were "cold-turkeying" and have gotten past the insomnia stage (???).Or the ones who are still taking, are taking them around bedtime so they can get some "normal" sleep (???) Well too bad for me and wanting to talk to someone, BUT I guess its good for every one else that they are getting some decent sleep hours in.....

MY Pain Doctor told me to double up on the Ativan and the herbal stuff, and wait until this Tuesday ,when I see him. He says Insomnia and the types of Medications I might need, He is not that familiar with. I got a feeling this here Football (Me) is about to get Punted "to another team" Too bad though, WE had a good trustfull relationship between him and me (That is,when I wasn't *************** him for more drugs....) LOL!!!! I guess I'll just wait and see.....
Anyway write when you can, and I'll cover the 'graveyard shift alone". This will give me time to post my entire drug hisory (from age 11 and up ).
Then I'll delete it all before anyone can read it, and I'll feel so much better inside for having it all purged from my soul!( unless I Cut, Copy And paste it on my personal page. HHmmmmmmm.....) Well, keep studying hard Autumn, when you want somthing, it seems like nothing can hold you back !!!!!!

PS--- if there are any lurkers out there , NOW is your time to post me ,cause I don't yell critcise, or condemm anyone. I just listen to your story, and when I can, I' ll offer some advise for you, But if I can't help, I'll just listen and understand, And the best part is we will never really know each other's names or faces, Right !!!! Come on, you do know how to type,

Don't YA !!!!!! ............

see ya later, Bad Attitude......

(just rocking in my chair, and looking into the hole........) ( get it, yinksy )

kinda-unwell

Hey Footie,

FWIW - I think your pain doctor should be shot for that advice! Its criminal! Well! Kinda - you are going to have to take some action on your own - take control and stay away from those appalling doctors. Do you ever wonder about where their knowledge comes from? Maybe the bumph from the pharmaceuticals? Lots of backhanders going on?
The only place they will punt you to is down another black hole! Come on kinda - you know that's true? You are so close now to getting there?
Good god - kinda - if you double up on your ativan you will be taking about 50 a night? Coma should relieve some of the insomnia I suppose! :eek:
Ho hum................

No speeking to me this morning?

kindaunwell
01-18-2004, 03:00 AM
Kinda
You can rock to your heart's content - just dont fall off that rocker into the chasm!!!!!
How's u anyway?
me



Hey, Lass

What are you doing home on this Sunday morning (???). If it is 4:45AM now, in NYC, I would think it is 9:45 over in the land of those Scots. Should't "you" be in church with them.???. I've often wondered what goes on in those Prod churches. Don't try to tell me they are just like ours >>>> Boring, money taking, rigid, and filled with hypocites....lol!!! Sorry yinksy, I didn't mean to offend ya... Sometimes it just comes right out of my mouth before I can stop it... Its either that or you are sitting down right in front of your computer wiht flannel p.j.'s on and a warm robe having your first cup of tea. Oh yea, I almost forgot with your
hair filled with curlers !! LOL !!!

Anyway, its been another one of those 30 something hrs of insomnia with an hour or two of sleep thrown in with it. I just sit here looking into that bottomless pit, and I can actually feel it tugging at me. All the professionals tell me these pills are design to help people like me get a full night sleep. Thats when the chair rocks forward, But my memory's fear of all pills and the posts you have sent to me in both knowledge and common sense, that makes the chair rock back...
Its very confussing, and I seem to be so "wishy-washy" standing on the edge,it semms whoever is talking to me at that paticular point in time is able to convince me to do it... this is how I use to get into trouble when I was much younger... In the end I know I am The one To deciede. I have an appt. to see the pain doctor on this Tuesday morning. I've already told him I ain't normal, what seems work on other people doesn't even put a dent in me. He wants to have my thyroid chekout also.

Well, me Lass, is that enough "Bum news" for you this early in the morning. I'll say no more about it then !!!
Come on, and write me something light and funny from either your child hood ,or even up till now. (I bet the first boy you ever kissed was a strong ,quit Irish boy) and then you took off running through the
hills for the safety of your house, Right!! LOL!!!
Okay, now I got you smiling, so write back lightheartrfly ans silly. It is Sunday,ya know,---Tis a day of rest...........


( Smiling meself )..........

kinda-unwell

kindaunwell
01-18-2004, 03:23 AM
Hey Footie,

FWIW - I think your pain doctor should be shot for that advice! Its criminal! Well! Kinda - you are going to have to take some action on your own - take control and stay away from those appalling doctors. Do you ever wonder about where their knowledge comes from? Maybe the bumph from the pharmaceuticals? Lots of backhanders going on?
The only place they will punt you to is down another black hole! Come on kinda - you know that's true? You are so close now to getting there?
Good god - kinda - if you double up on your ativan you will be taking about 50 a night? Coma should relieve some of the insomnia I suppose! :eek:
Ho hum................

No speeking to me this morning?


WoW, that came at me like a blast of cold water on the face! I'll respecet your wishes and not speak with you anymore this morning, but please get back to me in the afternoon, so I can hear more of what you have to say.....

(A Cool Dude Now )

Kinda-unwell

kindaunwell
01-18-2004, 03:40 AM
WoW, that came at me like a blast of cold water on the face! I'll respecet your wishes and not speak with you anymore this morning, but please get back to me in the afternoon, so I can hear more of what you have to say.....

(A Cool Dude Now )

Kinda-unwell


Hey yinksy, was that your 'short' post to me just now,calling me "FOOTSIE" and saying all that 'Hard-core" stuff about my deceision making (??? ). After I just wrote you that warm fuzzy, funny post. Whats up???? (Never heard that before from you!!! )

( A Shaken-up )

Kinda-unwell

kindaunwell
01-18-2004, 03:48 AM
Hey yinksy, was that your 'short' post to me just now,calling me "FOOTSIE" and saying all that 'Hard-core" stuff about my deceision making (??? ). After I just wrote you that warm fuzzy, funny post. Whats up???? (Never heard that before from you!!! )

( A Shaken-up )

Kinda-unwell



Hey BadAttitude

Just giving a shout out

to ya to see if you were up (??????? )

Kinda-unwell

yinksy
01-18-2004, 05:21 AM
Hey a shaken up cool dude kinda unwell,

(Called you a footie - as in football - as you are going to be bounced from doctor to doctor??!!)

Calling me a prod will get you nowhere! Is that the best insult you can hurl at me? Naw - afraid I am stuck with the old religion - all bells and smells! Well - today was the miracle of the marriage feast at Cana! LOL Beat that?

OK - wont shout at you today! Well - might later!

Tales from the old days? Like the time during confirmation when we were all carrying candles and I lit the veil of the girl in front and set the whole place on fire! NOT funny! That girl became my bridesmaid - would you believe!!!!
But there are so many tales of convent school girl life I wouldnt know where to begin. Give me some time..................

Hey - did you read the terrible news in the papers this morning? - an awful tragedy in Dublin - the Irish National Library has been burned down - desperate news - both books have been destroyed and one hasn't even been coloured in yet!

Am going to get offline now. My daughter has just phoned - she is down south at university and has managed to cut off the top of her finger - so I told her to get along to Accident and Emergency asap. Poor kid has exams tomorrow!

Hey Kinda - you got kids?

yer Irish Eyes!

John 808
01-18-2004, 05:58 AM
Good orning, you two!

I have to go get ready for church- and no, it's not rigid, Kinda, I would be willing to bet (except that Baptists don't bet :) ) that my pastor could actually put a smile on your face. He is hilarious! That is one reason we like it so much! So, there is a good reason to come visit me in the south- to go to my good ole Baptist church and then to my house for chicken and dumplings!
I'll check back on you later,

Good morning, Yinsky!

Michelle

kindaunwell
01-18-2004, 07:55 AM
Good orning, you two!

I have to go get ready for church- and no, it's not rigid, Kinda, I would be willing to bet (except that Baptists don't bet :) ) that my pastor could actually put a smile on your face. He is hilarious! That is one reason we like it so much! So, there is a good reason to come visit me in the south- to go to my good ole Baptist church and then to my house for chicken and dumplings!
I'll check back on you later,

Good morning, Yinsky!

Michelle



HI, John3:16

How ya doing ??? I saw from your post there was no mention of the in-laws >>>>> so maybe that went over smooth enough (?) after all it was your first time seeing them straight, right ? DID they know what has been up with you lately??
Those "cracks" I made about" rigid, money hungry and being hypocrites was my opinion of my own church (roman catholic IMHO) not about any one else's churh. Besides I have never been to a protestant church. as I said to yinksy awhile back, I pretty much lost my religiondown the road aways, along time ago.And if saying the word"PROD" intead of
protestant was an insult, then I apologise..... It was just a bad habit I picked up while growing up in an Irish neiborhood. mw wife is protestant and she can't get me to go tomy own church, never mineher andher mothers. But I'll wait out back and come home with your family if it means I get to eat some "Original, home-cooked" fried chicken!!! And the dumplings sound good too. I always get a plate of them when my wife and I are eatting Chinese.

Well I think I better go mend some fences withme Lass from over the big pond, as they say...

IN-laws, going to church and cooking for everyone, plus keeping up with the little ones and cleaning the house,>>>all wrapped-up in a 110 pound body (Or is it a 108 pound bony now!!!!)
You are one tough lady, Michelle, and you should be very proud of yourself and your resolve!!! Maybe the folks back home can't appreciate it that much, but to the people on this Board ,you have performed a small mini-miracle. And now your status should be upgraded to "Senior Veteran"

Have a great day Michelle, and remember 'this here Yankee just loves fried chicken and Dunplins".......
Well. I guess I better go for now.
Write back later when you can....

(A Hungry) Kindaunwell

yinksy
01-18-2004, 08:03 AM
Aha!
Bonjour mon cher ami!
Y

yinksy
01-18-2004, 08:04 AM
Michelle,
Hello - kinda mentioned your meeting with the inlaws? How did it go?
How about an invite for chicken and dumplings too? Have no idea what to expect!!! How about haggis in return? LOL
Keep well
Y

John 808
01-18-2004, 11:27 AM
Oh Kinda,
I wasn't fussing at you about your remark about the "frigid churches..."just playing with you! I didn't make chicken and dumplings, instead I made grilled sausage and squash with fettucini alfredo. My kids were asking though, "Where are the chicken and dumplings?' Just ran out of time....You can come for lunch anytime, but you have to sit in the front row with me at church! :) You know I love ya, Yankee!

Yinsky,
You can come, too! :)

Doing okay- the inlaws did not come last night. Instead, my husband and four year old went over there. So, didn't have to deal with that. WWhheeww!

Like I said, Kinda, don't jinx me, I am not through with this battle yet!

I'll check in later, my one year old is crying,
michelle

kindaunwell
01-18-2004, 11:44 AM
Hey a shaken up cool dude kinda unwell,

(Called you a footie - as in football - as you are going to be bounced from doctor to doctor??!!)

Calling me a prod will get you nowhere! Is that the best insult you can hurl at me? Naw - afraid I am stuck with the old religion - all bells and smells! Well - today was the miracle of the marriage feast at Cana! LOL Beat that?

OK - wont shout at you today! Well - might later!

Tales from the old days? Like the time during confirmation when we were all carrying candles and I lit the veil of the girl in front and set the whole place on fire! NOT funny! That girl became my bridesmaid - would you believe!!!!
But there are so many tales of convent school girl life I wouldnt know where to begin. Give me some time..................

Hey - did you read the terrible news in the papers this morning? - an awful tragedy in Dublin - the Irish National Library has been burned down - desperate news - both books have been destroyed and one hasn't even been coloured in yet!

Am going to get offline now. My daughter has just phoned - she is down south at university and has managed to cut off the top of her finger - so I told her to get along to Accident and Emergency asap. Poor kid has exams tomorrow!

Hey Kinda - you got kids?

yer Irish Eyes!


Okay, you win, Yinksy!!!

I'm not about to lock horns with AN Irish Lass,from the good ole sod, especially if she has flaming Red Hair. LOL!!! And I'm sorry about the"Prod" crack too, sometimes these old words come out out of my mouth (FINGERS) without me realizing it. You must remember I had to attend every ST. Patricks Day parade in all my younger years. When I got to be around 16 or so (I had been drinking long before that! ) my father would allow me to sit in the back rooms (serving beers mostly) of the Main Queens,Irish bar (pub) and listen to some of the speakers who had come over from Ireland illegally to give us "the real news" about what was going on in the north, and what "the Black and Tan" were really doing to our Catholic brothers and sisters (and children too!!) I heard about it on sundays, when my mom use to think I be attending Mass (yeah,right!!!) She was Scotts Irish and a real loving and caring Mother ( I'll never know why she put up with him all those years, and she would never tell us why...But one thing I know, he never did hit her. He broke alot of chairs and walls, not to mention his wrists and hands, and she would always fix him up talk softly to him and when it was over, he would just go into the living and watch TV alone ), but that never got talked about too much in the house. My father use to make her say she was only Irish from the western parts,whenever his drinking buddies came over to the house. After a while, I just got plain ole sick of hearing them. It seemed they just didn't just hate the Brits And Scotts, But they seemed to hate everybody who wasn't "like them". Well,I knew deep down I wasn't like them. The leaders, besides "some' of their lies, half -truths, and false bravado, were mainly there to ask for money and guns. At the end of the meetings , when they had what they came for,my job was to walk out the back door go up the alley and signal the young trucker to pull his rig out into the Middle of MAIN STREET, blocking traffic in all directions. This gave the men time enough to walk to where their cars and vans were parked and dissapear. Once or twice I rode with these 'SO-Called" leaders to the next borough and another meeting, I guess so it would look like a boy ,his father and his uncles going for a Sunday drive. While the men in the back were counting the money, I could hear and sometimes see the guns they had in the bags. Good thing we never got pulled over. They use to tell me what agood 'boy' I was and when I got alittle older I could come back with them to Ireland one day and learn how to kill Brits, to become a real man, and then they go off into singing their songs. One day while I was at home, and my father passed-out drunk on the couch, a knock came at our door, just as our phone started to ring. It startled me ,so I only opened the door with the heavy- duty chain still on it. Some guy in a suit was standing there and he said he was a friend of my fathers and needed to see him. I took one look at this well shaven, clean cut looking man in a suit and right away I new he was no friend of me dads. So I told him I had just woken up (I was still in my underwear ) and no one was here. He asked if he could come in and I said "hell no, what are you, *****". He just turned and left. While I was putting on my Levis and sneakers, the phone rang again and this time I answered it, almost falling down, I was so nerverous. This noise,combined, finally woke my father. Anyway, it was one of me boys on the phone and he said there were was a car parked up by the corner, with 2 guys in it and they had acamera with a long lense on it, and they seemed to be watching my house.I told hin to wait for me on the other side of the block. Then I went in and told me father everything. even though he had a hangover, he still changed clothes quickly, grab abunch of money,gave me some and patted me on the head and told me he had to go. He wanted me to take their attention off the house for a minute or two, so I said Yeah that would be no problem.I went up the stairs .jumped from roof to roof (we always did this as kids when playing games)and when I got to the other side of the block where my friend was waiting for me, I shimmied down the drain pole, and told him to go along with my story. I knocked on the superintendent's house. When the wife answered (of course she knew us,and our parents ) I told her Shawn and me were stopped by two strange men in a car and they had cameras ,and would pay us money if we got into their car and took our clothes off for them to take pictures. Shawn almost burst out laughing, but he held it in. she brought us into the house and i had to repeat the story to Frank her husband. he was old and hard of hearing, but he had been a soldier in WW1 and he was big and not afraid. He goes into his room and comes out with his bayonet tucked in his pants and a baseball bat in his hand. He takes one look at his wife and says"No Cops", then he turns around to me and says"Where are they". While we are walking toward then and I am putting on a crying act act He says to me "Don't worry, I'll take care of these guys".He walks right over to the passenger side of the car and smashes the bat across the windshield, and puts the bayonette up against the guys throat with the camera still in his hand and says something like " We know how to take care of men like you", and in one motion he grabs the camera out of the agents and ttrows it into the middle of the street. as the driver starts to get out the other side of the car and goes to pull his gun out ,alot of neighbors who had been watching this happening from their windows started running over, and some of them were off duty cops who knew the superintendent ,but not these two guys in the car. alot of commotion and confusion was going on and a couple of guns were being pulled out. By the time these FBI guys got their ID's checked and were unhandcuffed. My dad was long gone..... Even though they tried to say what they were doing here with the camera some of the older Irish wise guys started throwing rocks and cans at them, that they just got back into their smashed up car and speeded away. everyone came around Shawn and me saying "you poor boys, did they touch you anywhere" and" i'm gonns call their supervisor"...

Shawn and I just went over and sat on his roof
top , got really stoned and laughed and laughed......Just another summer day back in the 1960's.........

Now ya see, yinksy, growing up for me was alittle different than most boys, but I always kept it all behind these "lying Blue Irish Eyes" of mine. LOL!!! But I don't lie when I give some one my word. And I give you my "Word" that I wasn't triing to disrepect you, or to cause you any hard-feelings about me..... I'll watch me tonge a little better
next time. To me nowadays,it makes no-difference about reliegion, color or culture. I am ME, not my father....... Understand,yinksy..

(Don't leave me in the VOID )

Kinda-unwell

kindaunwell
01-18-2004, 12:50 PM
Oh Kinda,
I wasn't fussing at you about your remark about the "frigid churches..."just playing with you! I didn't make chicken and dumplings, instead I made grilled sausage and squash with fettucini alfredo. My kids were asking though, "Where are the chicken and dumplings?' Just ran out of time....You can come for lunch anytime, but you have to sit in the front row with me at church! :) You know I love ya, Yankee!

Yinsky,
You can come, too! :)

Doing okay- the inlaws did not come last night. Instead, my husband and four year old went over there. So, didn't have to deal with that. WWhheeww!

Like I said, Kinda, don't jinx me, I am not through with this battle yet!

I'll check in later, my one year old is crying,
michelle


John 3:16

I can eat anything Southern as long as they ain't Pig's feet,or hot,hot,hot!!!
And you'll have to put yinksy right up in front too!!! Oh, and one more thing, can I wear my MP3 player in case things get kinda boring! I once had a "Dreadrd NUN' find me wearing an ear wire from one of those little radios listening to a yankee daygame, while we were waiting in line to do pennanace. She damm near ripped my ear off!! And she said now I would have to do extra pennance. I said "why, I thought God was a Yankee fan" !!!!LOL!! Extra Detention that day.......<<<< Maybe she was a NY Met fan (???) !!

OKay go eat your lunch, but make sure you got all your fingertips before you swallow >>>>>Sorry yinksy, i hope that accident was not too serious with your daughter down south....


Anyway, Michelle, its all my fault. I shouldn't make talk like that. I"m not that way anymore. Hell, I 've gotten into some arguments and fights over comments made about my wife,so I should know better, even if I'm in a frisky kind of mood, playing with someone. Forgive this poor, penniless,Wandering`Irish Lad, who truly meant you no harm....LOL!!!

(AN uncontrolable repentant Irishman )
Kinda-unwell

John 808
01-18-2004, 01:06 PM
Oh I know how your are....that's why I said "I love ya..."

You always make me smile, so I don't get angry at you too much! :)

My husband and I have a sitter for tonight and we are going to see "Along Came Polly..." I am so excited! So, I'll have to check in with ya'll tomorrow unless I am awake again at 2:30 in the morning like last night! Take care and TRY, TRY, TRY to get some sleep sometime tonight.

Talk with you soon,
michelle

kindaunwell
01-18-2004, 02:02 PM
Hey a shaken up cool dude kinda unwell,

(Called you a footie - as in football - as you are going to be bounced from doctor to doctor??!!)

Calling me a prod will get you nowhere! Is that the best insult you can hurl at me? Naw - afraid I am stuck with the old religion - all bells and smells! Well - today was the miracle of the marriage feast at Cana! LOL Beat that?

OK - wont shout at you today! Well - might later!

Tales from the old days? Like the time during confirmation when we were all carrying candles and I lit the veil of the girl in front and set the whole place on fire! NOT funny! That girl became my bridesmaid - would you believe!!!!
But there are so many tales of convent school girl life I wouldnt know where to begin. Give me some time..................

Hey - did you read the terrible news in the papers this morning? - an awful tragedy in Dublin - the Irish National Library has been burned down - desperate news - both books have been destroyed and one hasn't even been coloured in yet!

Am going to get offline now. My daughter has just phoned - she is down south at university and has managed to cut off the top of her finger - so I told her to get along to Accident and Emergency asap. Poor kid has exams tomorrow!

Hey Kinda - you got kids?

yer Irish Eyes!



Hey yinksy

I hope your daughter's accident was not really that bad. But you seemed very upset ....... I wish her my best!!

As I was telling you before, I didn't mean anything personal by what I said before.....I put a post somewhere in this thread that kinda explains some of it. I hope you are able to find it. You are too good of a friend (me Lass )to be upset with me.... Besides, it wasn't me that burnt-down the Bloody Church !! LOL!! But for real, find that other post of mine and read it. It shows i've come a long way from how I was taught....... And thats because of meeting people like you fromall over the world.....

(So everything is "Cool" right" )

(Just rocking back and forth )

Kinda-unwell

yinksy
01-18-2004, 02:50 PM
Hey yinksy

I hope your daughter's accident was not really that bad. But you seemed very upset ....... I wish her my best!!

As I was telling you before, I didn't mean anything personal by what I said before.....I put a post somewhere in this thread that kinda explains some of it. I hope you are able to find it. You are too good of a friend (me Lass )to be upset with me.... Besides, it wasn't me that burnt-down the Bloody Church !! LOL!! But for real, find that other post of mine and read it. It shows i've come a long way from how I was taught....... And thats because of meeting people like you fromall over the world.....

(So everything is "Cool" right" )

(Just rocking back and forth )

Kinda-unwell
Hey Just rocking back and forth kinda-unwell,

We have all come a long way from how we were taught? Along the way - the road has just got a bit bumpy sometimes?
Nothing personal ever taken!
Keep well, my friend
yer lass

kindaunwell
01-18-2004, 03:04 PM
Hey Just rocking back and forth kinda-unwell,

We have all come a long way from how we were taught? Along the way - the road has just got a bit bumpy sometimes?
Nothing personal ever taken!
Keep well, my friend
yer lass



The rocking stops as he reads her post.Alas, a smile appears behind those blue eyes. Now that all is well again, between the ocean's shores, it is time to sleeeeep....

yinksy
01-18-2004, 03:19 PM
Kinda
Perhaps tis I who should apologise to you? Who knows? But for sure - you have kissed the Blarney stone!
I have read these posts backwards tonight.
Your story is very poignant - and one I have heard - but in a slightly different context - over here and during my childhood! No - I didnt experience the brutal reality as you did - but second hand - I heard those very same stories from Drogheda. A relative who had to pay his protection money to the IRA or suffer the loss of his knee caps. What you wrote tonight - I have always imagined happening in America. Always reckoned that the huge funds that came from the "pseudo-Irish" in America were so misplaced (stupid word). If only, if only, those people had really known what was going on back in "God's own country"? Oh - Kinda - I could bore you rigid now with such stories.............. but wont! Enough to say - that just perhaps now - Ireland is progressing and someday that will all just be history? I was so lucky to have a pure-bred anglo saxon for a mother! She wouldnt allow things to be promoted in our home! LOL
Mind you - the civil rights denied to groups in Ireland was all too real. I suspect I would have joined up to fight the cause had I been born in different circumstances! Would have marched with Michael Collins?
Away with you now.................

My daughter - she is fine - sporting a large bandage on her finger - her right hand of course - how she will fare in her exams tomorrow?

Kinda - you just keep on rockin'.......... back and forth, back and forth............................... Just maybe you will decide the chasm is not for you? You can join me on the mountaintops instead? The Mountains of Mourne even?
Y

yinksy
01-18-2004, 03:22 PM
The rocking stops as he reads her post.Alas, a smile appears behind those blue eyes. Now that all is well again, between the ocean's shores, it is time to sleeeeep....
Aye, for sure - he has kissed the Blarney stone!
Dream on..............
Y

yinksy
01-18-2004, 03:31 PM
Oh Kinda,
I wasn't fussing at you about your remark about the "frigid churches..."just playing with you! I didn't make chicken and dumplings, instead I made grilled sausage and squash with fettucini alfredo. My kids were asking though, "Where are the chicken and dumplings?' Just ran out of time....You can come for lunch anytime, but you have to sit in the front row with me at church! :) You know I love ya, Yankee!

Yinsky,
You can come, too! :)

Doing okay- the inlaws did not come last night. Instead, my husband and four year old went over there. So, didn't have to deal with that. WWhheeww!

Like I said, Kinda, don't jinx me, I am not through with this battle yet!

I'll check in later, my one year old is crying,
michelle
Michelle
Wow - an invite to dinner? Yes please! And I'll bring the haggis and whisky!

There is no way anyone is going to jinx you, Michelle! You are on your way to freedom - it is so obvious! You are taking this battle head on - and you will slay the beast! Woops - better lay off the whisky meself tonight! Seriously though - you are a fighter - you see what lies ahead of you and aren't afraid to tackle the problems! You will win!

Y

BadAttitude
01-18-2004, 03:51 PM
Hi, Kinda
Well I am taking a break from studying so I thought that I would check in an see how everyone was doing. Kinda I like you can't sleep at night I think it was a lot of things that have made me that way, as I came from a very abusive back ground, not only alcohol but child and spousal abuse. I have dealt with those issues other wise I would never have been able to have put the bottle down but I know that they still affect my life on a daily basis in decesions that I made and the way I look at life in general. I know I was thinking last night why I don't like to sleep at night and I remember that I was always a scared of going to bed at night it's because you can not see in the dark and then I remember that I was attacked by my ex-husband once when I was sleeping and beat because he was drunk. I also realized that I can not sleep with my left rib cage exposed either as he cracked my ribs when he attacked because my rib cage was exposed. Even thoght these things are not part of my life right now I realize that I will never be able to erase them from my thought pattern. Is this something in your past that maybe you associate with sleeping, I know that this is reaching but somethings that we don't even think are affecting us do when we least expect it to and in ways that we never thought it would affect us.
Glad to see that your last few posts have seemed more upbeat. Well talk to you when I can. And please do not over medicate please try to get off all of these sleeping meds as soon as you can.
Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

yinksy
01-18-2004, 04:13 PM
Hi guys
Autumn & Kinda
I will most willingly leave the night to you!
Kinda - think summit not chasm? peak not valley? Let go and fly?
Tis well past midnight here and I must away now to the arms of Morpheus!
Y

rosietee
01-18-2004, 04:49 PM
Hey, Rosie

How ya doing???. Are you still celebrating your Husband's Birthday?? Tell him "Happy Birthday" from all your Board friends, and we thank him for sticking by you as you go through your "ordeal"...... Let me know when you are back on-line, or did your computer Conk-out after making all that noise,like you said.

Take Good Care, Rosie

(As he prepares for his shift)

Kinda-unwell


Hi, Kinda, I'm sure you'll come back to this graveyard thread, even though I am posting way after you posted, as I got a little behind and then missed your post on the first go-round. Thanks for thinking of me as a "Board friend". (I'm sure you just said it in passing, but it makes me feel less alone when people who know about my situation have accepted me.)

Husband's birthday went pretty well. A good friend took us to lunch with a couple of our staff for his birthday. It was a pretty nice place with an outdoor patio. Adventure of the day was . . . my oldest was playing with her little dolls underneath the table and one of them went down a hole in the leg ("Aurora! Aurora!"). I lost a fork down there too, trying to get Aurora out. Finally, had to just clear the table and have the busboy turn it upside down to free her. That night we just went to a kid-friendly type place for dinner with the girls for his birthday dinner.

Also, thanks for sharing your story with me, and we look forward to having you out here in sunny California; if you're so inclined you can read some of my geographical history: my first/late husband was from a military family and had done the Fort Ord thing as well and he grew up in Garden Grove. His dad was a West Point grad and retired army colonel (who later drank himself to death). I think I may have told you before I grew up in Maryland (on the Chesapeake Bay), went to college in upstate New York and then lived in the City for 1 and 1/2 years before moving out to so-cal in late 1987. I went to grad school in Los Angeles and moved back to Orange County. My husband died in 1995, I met my current husband in late 1997 when he hired me (I was still talking about my first husband all the time, although I did have a boyfriend). A deep friendship developed and both of our relationships had gone south and we started dating in 1999, getting married in 2000, having a baby in 2001 and another in 2002. My husband had actually been married very young for 10 years, and his wife decided she did not want to have kids, while he definitely wanted to have them. My husband and I live down south again, but spent a couple years up in San Francisco and then Santa Clara county, before moving back down here, to be near his family (his mother was very ill). We are here to stay! We have already done our share of moving even since we have been back down here and can add on to our house if we need a bigger one.

I just love New York City, but have to admit it is nice being able to drive up into a driveway to get to our house and it is still only 5 miles to our office. I cannot imagine lugging babies around in NYC, but living there was very very fun when I was young. The weather there was a piece of cake compared to upstate, which was ridiculous (although I must admit to an umbrella turning inside out walking down Wall Street one morning). Nothing was ever closed for the weather upstate (I was waaay upstate), or it would have to be closed for the entire winter.

I don't miss my family in Maryland; with them, distance makes the heart grow fonder than it would otherwise be.

Okay, now that I have cured any insomnia you might have thought have having for the evening, I have got to go. Thanks for thinking of my computer; it is still hanging in there like me.

Oh, and Ddana, if you have read this far, I am proud of you for decreasing your dosage, and almost as importantly, for documenting your dosage, which is hard for me as well.

Love you guys,
rosie

kindaunwell
01-18-2004, 10:40 PM
Hi, Kinda
Well I am taking a break from studying so I thought that I would check in an see how everyone was doing. Kinda I like you can't sleep at night I think it was a lot of things that have made me that way, as I came from a very abusive back ground, not only alcohol but child and spousal abuse. I have dealt with those issues other wise I would never have been able to have put the bottle down but I know that they still affect my life on a daily basis in decesions that I made and the way I look at life in general. I know I was thinking last night why I don't like to sleep at night and I remember that I was always a scared of going to bed at night it's because you can not see in the dark and then I remember that I was attacked by my ex-husband once when I was sleeping and beat because he was drunk. I also realized that I can not sleep with my left rib cage exposed either as he cracked my ribs when he attacked because my rib cage was exposed. Even thoght these things are not part of my life right now I realize that I will never be able to erase them from my thought pattern. Is this something in your past that maybe you associate with sleeping, I know that this is reaching but somethings that we don't even think are affecting us do when we least expect it to and in ways that we never thought it would affect us.
Glad to see that your last few posts have seemed more upbeat. Well talk to you when I can. And please do not over medicate please try to get off all of these sleeping meds as soon as you can.
Love & Happiness
~Autumn~



Hey, BadAttitude

So how is my "shift partner" doing this morning ???? Sorry I came on late, but guess what----- I was actually sleeping in bed with my wife last night. A fter supper, we were kinda watching TV, and I began to nod a little (no pills ), when she said "lets just lay down,Baby and talk." After about 20 min., I drifted off to sleep and didn't wake up until 12:45 AM. WOW!!! Thats a first, in quite a while----- natural sleep, with crazy dreams and all.!! Thats the way it should be, right?????

so, Auttumn, if you are awake, give me a buzz !!! I'll wait afew minutes for your responce.......

(wide awake,now ) Kinda-unwell

kindaunwell
01-18-2004, 11:45 PM
Hey, BadAttitude

So how is my "shift partner" doing this morning ???? Sorry I came on late, but guess what----- I was actually sleeping in bed with my wife last night. A fter supper, we were kinda watching TV, and I began to nod a little (no pills ), when she said "lets just lay down,Baby and talk." After about 20 min., I drifted off to sleep and didn't wake up until 12:45 AM. WOW!!! Thats a first, in quite a while----- natural sleep, with crazy dreams and all.!! Thats the way it should be, right?????

so, Auttumn, if you are awake, give me a buzz !!! I'll wait afew minutes for your responce.......

(wide awake,now ) Kinda-unwell







HEY, Good Morning, to all you Board Members. In the words
of the immortal Pink Floyd:

"Is There Anybody Out There "

Come on in, and lets talk.....

Ya know, when I had my trouble with drugs, at least I could take a certain amount (Called--- over-medicating !!!) and I would be able to go to sleep at night.
Well, maybe it was more like "Passing Out". But now that I am Opiate free, there is no sleep for me !!!. But as much as this insomnia sucks, I believe it is better than being a slave to those cursed pills !!! I Know this insomnia will one day stop, but the pills will go on forever (And get higher), until YOU deceide to quit...... So, come on, QUIT THOSE PILLS, and join me on the "Grave-Yard Shift"..........

(Just looking for some more Mates)

Kinda-unwell

yinksy
01-19-2004, 01:07 AM
Hello, Just looking for some more Mates Kinda-unwell,

Way to go!

Y

kindaunwell
01-19-2004, 01:12 AM
Hello, Just looking for some more Mates Kinda-unwell,

Way to go!

Y




Good Morning to you, Lass


Yep, I'm looking for some"Grave-yard" shift Mates.
But there were none to be found..

yinksy
01-19-2004, 01:25 AM
You re-discovered sleep?
Y

yinksy
01-19-2004, 01:33 AM
4.30 am your time then?

kindaunwell
01-19-2004, 01:46 AM
You re-discovered sleep?
Y


Yeah, that was pretty strange!!
We had eaten dinner, steak and rice! My Philipino/French wife just doesn't understand an Irishmans need for Potatoes. About the only time I get them, is when we go out for dinner !!! She has tried to make them, but Yeck! LOL!
anyway, after dinner, we were sitting "on the sofa watching the the telly", and I started to feel drousy (Mind you, without taking any Ativan ), and lo and behold, I began to nod off. She said for us both to lie down (And this is at 6:30 PM ). We talked (Mostly her!), for a short time, with her running her fingers thru my hair ( I love that even more than a shaggy dog ) and the next thing I know, its 12:30 AM. Pretty cool, right. !!!!!!!

I Think I am over -posting on you Sorry.......

Kinda unwell

yinksy
01-19-2004, 01:50 AM
Yeah, that was pretty strange!!
We had eaten dinner, steak and rice! My Philipino/French wife just doesn't understand an Irishmans need for Potatoes. About the only time I get them, is when we go out for dinner !!! She has tried to make them, but Yeck! LOL!
anyway, after dinner, we were sitting "on the sofa watching the the telly", and I started to feel drousy (Mind you, without taking any Ativan ), and lo and behold, I began to nod off. She said for us both to lie down (And this is at 6:30 PM ). We talked (Mostly her!), for a short time, with her running her fingers thru my hair ( I love that even more than a shaggy dog ) and the next thing I know, its 12:30 AM. Pretty cool, right. !!!!!!!

I Think I am over -posting on you Sorry.......

Kinda unwell
But no sleep now?

Think soothing thoughts - like - mashed potatoes with butter and black pepper!

kindaunwell
01-19-2004, 01:56 AM
4.30 am your time then?


Ohhhhh, why did you have to describe them that way ( My Favorite). Only me mom (Rest her soul ) could do it PERFECTLY....

yinksy
01-19-2004, 02:14 AM
with Irish stew and dumplings!

yinksy
01-19-2004, 02:19 AM
liberally sprinkled with parsley!!!

Am off to get on with my day now!

cul8r

kindaunwell
01-19-2004, 02:20 AM
with Irish stew and dumplings!


I've had the Irish stew afew times, but not the dumplings. What are they made of ???. its 5:20 AM here, what time is it by you, and do you have to go to work today ???

yinksy
01-19-2004, 02:23 AM
dumplings - made of flour and suet with herbs - divine!

10.20 am here

I work at home on a computer! But am off to deliver some papers etc!

kindaunwell
01-19-2004, 02:26 AM
dumplings - made of flour and suet with herbs - divine!

10.20 am here

I work at home on a computer! But am off to deliver some papers etc!



Then I hope you enjoy your day, Yinksy.......

cul8r <<<< I get it, duhhhhh !

kindaunwell
01-19-2004, 03:53 AM
Then I hope you enjoy your day, Yinksy.......

cul8r <<<< I get it, duhhhhh !







Well, its almost 7 AM and the "Grave-yard shift" will almost be over. This "Talk-a-tive" insomniac has lasted it again !!! Boy I can't wait until I can sleep like you "Normal" people !!!!

But I'm still not sleepy yet (triing not to take the Ativan and just sleep naturely ), so maybe I'll see what you AM people talk about !!!!!!

(just waiting for some sleep)

Kinda-unwell

kindaunwell
01-19-2004, 12:40 PM
Hey yinksy, John 3:16, Rosie, BadAttitude, spark-o-cet, And anyone else I forgot, Are you on the Board yet. ??????

(Just a Bored Insomniac )

Kinda-unwell

rockingham
01-19-2004, 01:10 PM
i think you set a record here Kinda. 19 pages. Wow!

kindaunwell
01-19-2004, 01:28 PM
i think you set a record here Kinda. 19 pages. Wow!



Hi, rockingham, I don't believe we have met before... Believe it or not, I accually am a quiet, semi- shy guy in public!!
This is what "drug-induced" insomnia has done to me!! I just can't seem to keep my mouth (Fingers ) shut. LOL!!! Please bear with me until I get over this thing of mine.... Sorry !!!

( Just a talking, for no reason at all ),

Kinda-unwell

rosietee
01-19-2004, 03:21 PM
Hey yinksy, John 3:16, Rosie, BadAttitude, spark-o-cet, And anyone else I forgot, Are you on the Board yet. ??????

(Just a Bored Insomniac )

Kinda-unwell

Oh, I've been on here and there. Did you catch my life story a few pages back? right before you and yinsky started bantering back and forth, I believe, so you may have missed it. Anyway, last night, my computer was not working and there was a week's worth of work on it that had not been backed up and I was blaming my husband and furious. Turns out when he bent the monitor forward it unplugged the connection to the monitor, so that is all it was. He had unplugged some things putting in a new printer and I asked him to plug back in the speakers and that is when it happened. I said do not touch my computer again! And he complied, but I was ranting and raving a bit last night, blaming the whole lawnmower sound on him and everything. Calmer heads prevailed this morning and all is well. I did pop an extra klonopin though; don't want to get in trouble there, so I better watch it. These pills play games with my moods though.

Hope you got some sleep. My girls just went to sleep, so I am going to try to take a nap as I was up quite late last night, though unable to log on. Taper dose is decreasing today, but I like the decreased time interval between, so I may be able to do it! Very easy to cheat, though, my husband leaves the meds at home with me, but I have not just grabbed 5 at a time like I used to, so that part is good.

I see you have been busy today, and I liked your encouragement post to lurkers alot!

Talk to you later,
rose

kindaunwell
01-19-2004, 03:49 PM
Thanks, Rosie. I believe there are alot of Lurkers out there. As I was for afew weeks. Then I finally got the nerve up to "come on in". I'm just triing to push them alittle faster. Because this board, and you people, can be of soo much help to "newbies".

Well, I'll probably be up straight thru the "grave-yard" shift again. I just couldn't get any sleep at all early this morning, so I broke down and took 2 Ativan pills (Don't tell yinksy) and fell asleep from about 7:30 to almost 1:30. I love the amount of hours, but hate the fact I have to take pills to achieve it, ya know?

Well I'm glad your "lawnmower" is finally
fixed. LOL!!

Well, take Good Care, Rosie...

Kinda-unwell

BadAttitude
01-19-2004, 08:17 PM
Thanks, Rosie. I believe there are alot of Lurkers out there. As I was for afew weeks. Then I finally got the nerve up to "come on in". I'm just triing to push them alittle faster. Because this board, and you people, can be of soo much help to "newbies".

Well, I'll probably be up straight thru the "grave-yard" shift again. I just couldn't get any sleep at all early this morning, so I broke down and took 2 Ativan pills (Don't tell yinksy) and fell asleep from about 7:30 to almost 1:30. I love the amount of hours, but hate the fact I have to take pills to achieve it, ya know?

Well I'm glad your "lawnmower" is finally
fixed. LOL!!

Well, take Good Care, Rosie...

Kinda-unwell

Hi, Kinda

Well just got done with homework and thought I would check on you, I see that you actually got some sleep last night that is great. Well it is 11:14 here and I have classes tomorrow so I will not be on here long, I see that you are not on here so I hope that is a good sign and that you are getting some sleep.
I will check back here before I try to get some sleep.
Take care kinda.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

John 808
01-19-2004, 08:48 PM
Hey Kinda....

I am here....are you or are you unbelievabley asleep? With two Ativans, you should be!!!! I though your doctor only you gave you a few- did he refill them for you? Be careful with those (I sound like Yinsky :) ....we love you, Yinsky)! I can't say anything, I had to take half a Xanax and waiting for that to "kick in" and make me sleepy. That is all I have had today (as far as my Xanax). My doctor prescribes 1mg three times a day, but I am scared of them!

I need to go wake my husband up....after last night, that was the best sleep I had had in a long time! :)

Well, look, you and Yinsky don't get to talking about mashed potatoes again tonight! LOL! Try to keep you conversation civilized....well, at all hours in the wee morning, what can one expect, huh? :)

Check in later if your awake....but then, I may be asleep. We'll see!

Michelle :)

kindaunwell
01-19-2004, 08:53 PM
HI, BadAttitude

Its nice to hear from you. Classes must be really tough, unless you study and prepare for them, huh. ???. My son is into his second year, and it seems he is forever doing reports, papers, reading, andhe is very much into Theatrical Training (His Major). So even when there is no school, he is forever doing something at the stage dept (?), along with other students. Even on Saturday mornings into the afternoon. On Saturday night, and Sundays, he is usually wiyh his girlfriend (Fellow Actress). I've tried asking him to go to a movie with me, but nowadays, he just doesn't seem to have the time. "Cats in the cradle kind of stuff" catching up with me, Ya know (???).......
I barely made it outta high school, and then went right into the service. So I don't have a clue as to how hard and busy College can be (???).

Its gonna be a short shift for me also, as I have a Doctor's appt. at 9 AM. WE are going to go over why these pills (Almost all of them), just don't seem to do the job on me that they are suppose to. I have a feeling he is running out of ideas..... But ,even when I was taking Opiates and other illegal stuff, I always seemed to build -up a very fast tolerence to them. I am even having a blood test done to check out my thyroids, amongst other things (???). We'll see.....

Okay, get a good nights sleep, and maybe you will become a little bit "smarter tomorrow !!!LOL!!!
( leaving the "grave-yard shift" to any takers, tonight...)

Kinda-unwell

kindaunwell
01-19-2004, 09:32 PM
Hey Kinda....

I am here....are you or are you unbelievabley asleep? With two Ativans, you should be!!!! I though your doctor only you gave you a few- did he refill them for you? Be careful with those (I sound like Yinsky :) ....we love you, Yinsky)! I can't say anything, I had to take half a Xanax and waiting for that to "kick in" and make me sleepy. That is all I have had today (as far as my Xanax). My doctor prescribes 1mg three times a day, but I am scared of them!

I need to go wake my husband up....after last night, that was the best sleep I had had in a long time! :)

Well, look, you and Yinsky don't get to talking about mashed potatoes again tonight! LOL! Try to keep you conversation civilized....well, at all hours in the wee morning, what can one expect, huh? :)

Check in later if your awake....but then, I may be asleep. We'll see!

Michelle :)



Hi ya, John 3:16

I am up because I just took a shower and a shave. I have to be in Manhattan at 9 AM, for an appt. with my Doctor. AS I explained to BadAttitude in the next post, I have a feeling this will be some kind of turning point, because he is running out of ideas on what drug to give me, or what combination. A blood test he will give me might tell some kind of answers (Thyroids, kidneys, liver, who knows. (???). All I know is whatever drug he prescribes for me just doesn't seem to affect me like it should. Thats when my old bad habits of "over-medicating start to come into play. Nowadays, I am smart enough to give him a call when that starts..... In the past, I once downed 90 Kolonopin,90 Catapres and 90 xanax in a 14 day period. It gave me some sleep but not much !!! He got very upset at that, thus our present arrangrment. Both him and my Pharmacist said I should of Overdosed and died or end of in a coma.But I just looked at them and said"matter of factly" they seemed like Placebos to me, they didn't do nothing.

Well, I guess that will be all for me tonight, except for a shout out to yinksy. The wife and I are arguing (Difference of opinion >>>> But she is the wrong one this time!!! Typical Male Thinking, HUH ??? LOL!!!) , so there will be no joy in Mudville tonight........

Take Care, John 3:16

Kinda-unwell

kindaunwell
01-19-2004, 10:02 PM
Top of the morning to ya, yinksy.... I hope you slept long and well last night !!! ( although probably not as well as John 3:16 did. !!! lol!! Just a joke, if you read the posts from her and me the last day or two.....

I hope I didn't keep you awake too long last night/early morning. But for some reason or another, this Irishman couldn't keep his big mouth shut. !!! Ever run into any Irishmen like that before.(???) LOL !!!

I'll leave you be,now, as I will attempt to fall asleep. A big day with the Doctor Tomorrow morning. We'll see....

Well, Goodnight to you, me Lass. I will be dreaming of "Where the Mountains -o 'Moume sweep down to the sea... <<<<<< How about that from a pseudo-Irishman......

Kinda-unwell

John 808
01-19-2004, 11:15 PM
Come on Kinda....you not awake?

Couldn't get my husband to wake up...so, I am still awake with the exception of dozing a little on the couch! Can you imagine that? My husband "has the headache!" LOL! :) Men nowadays!

Don't need to be arguing with your wife- don't you know...we are ALWAYS right! LOL!

Hope your appointment goes will tomorrow...well, today. Keep me posted.

Take care of you,
Michelle

yinksy
01-20-2004, 02:34 AM
Good morning!
Hey - here'e a novel idea for everyone - how about taking no drugs at all? Worth giving it a whirl, Kinda? Everything to gain and nothing to lose?
Those benzos are soul destroying - I reckon its worth trading in a few weeks of insomnia to break free. I hope your appt with the doctor is productive? Hope to goodness he doesnt just palm you off with another script for another mountain of poison! Its just a cop out!!
Ha - I'll be accused again of shouting at people - well - yep - I am - just hope it doesnt fall on deaf ears!

Heard the one about the Irishman who emigrated to England?
The national Irish IQ dropped by 50%
AND
The national English IQ rose by 50%!!
Y
(Now - dont call me bigoted! LOL)

kindaunwell
01-20-2004, 12:20 PM
Good morning!
Hey - here'e a novel idea for everyone - how about taking no drugs at all? Worth giving it a whirl, Kinda? Everything to gain and nothing to lose?
Those benzos are soul destroying - I reckon its worth trading in a few weeks of insomnia to break free. I hope your appt with the doctor is productive? Hope to goodness he doesnt just palm you off with another script for another mountain of poison! Its just a cop out!!
Ha - I'll be accused again of shouting at people - well - yep - I am - just hope it doesnt fall on deaf ears!

Heard the one about the Irishman who emigrated to England?
The national Irish IQ dropped by 50%
AND
The national English IQ rose by 50%!!
Y
(Now - dont call me bigoted! LOL)





yinksy, You are somrthing else, with your sense of humor!!! Most Catholic Lassies I've know were either very wild, and rebellious, or else they were rigidly strict. ( you know which ones I liked!!! ) But you, I just don't know where to classify you (???).

As for your "novel plan" on no drug taking, I just don't know.... I've been taking all sorts of drugs since the age of 12. It wasn't untill 1999 that I started getting them nice and legal like. I won't be a hypocrite or a Holy Roller, but I do plan on one day, in the not to distant future when I plan on having NO DRUGS in my system what-so-ever!!!
You and I not only grew up on different sides of the Ocean, but it was a completely different type of social life too. With all the wild things I did while growing up ( some of which I am ashamed of now, and lucky I wasn't arrested "too often" . And yet in the end I find myself married to a straight (never took drugs, or drank) girl who can recite Bible Verses by memory. And she's a Prod. to boot!!! Life can be crazy sometimes.... But I really do love her and she probably saved my life afew times without even knowing it !!! I lost my older Brother to heroin overdose, while I was in the service using Heroin myself. And it stiil didn't stop me.I've had US cops and German Polizie take afew shots at me doing various escapades. And you would never really know it, looking into these smiling Irish blue eyes.... Wow, I can't believe I actually told you that. I'm thinking right now if I should Delete the whole paragraph.. But yinksy, don't judge me by my past. I am a completely different guy now. Trustworthy, and easy-going..... I guess we all have our pasts.....
So ,if you still want to be "me lass", and posting partner, that would really make me happy... But if you are complete turned off on me, because of things I did in the past, I guess I will understand..... It wouldn't be the first time I got shunned for telling the truth. and remember, you once asked ne to tell you some of my past life.... Whatever you deciede, its okay.I will always think of you as a nice, kind, and compassionate person.....

Hope to hear from you again, you do brighten my days....

( just the Real Me)

Kinda-unwell

John 808
01-20-2004, 12:25 PM
Well, I know you didn't post that to me....but, I would never shun you and would love to still be your posting partner (maybe just not in the middle of the night :) ).

You know I love to post you and vice versa....it's nice having a Yankee to talk with every now and then (since I am in the heart of the south)!

Take care you,
Michelle

Oh! How did your doctor's appointment go? Didn't you go today?

rosietee
01-20-2004, 12:53 PM
Well, I know you didn't post that to me....but, I would never shun you and would love to still be your posting partner (maybe just not in the middle of the night :) ).

You know I love to post you and vice versa....it's nice having a Yankee to talk with every now and then (since I am in the heart of the south)!

Take care you,
Michelle

Oh! How did your doctor's appointment go? Didn't you go today?

Me too, kinda! And between my insomnia on the west coast and your extreme insomnia in the east, I can usually be around!

rosie

yinksy
01-20-2004, 01:19 PM
Hello just the real me Kinda-unwell!

Well - dont think you can get me off your case by sweet talking me with heroic deeds of your youth! Ha - a regular James Bond! (bonnie blue eyes an' all!) My luck's in at last!
Michelle - you have him sussed! No mention of the doctor's visit?
Och - I'm not going to nag tonight! None of my damn business. But its great to hear you talking some sense! LOL - ie - your game plan to have NO DRUGS in your system. Way to go, big man! There really isnt any other way? In truth. It's got to be all about freedom? Freeing your mind/spirit from the all consuming and controlling chemicals? Just being able to think clearly - take control of your life - and live it?
Kinda - none of my business - but maybe you are just a little like me (like all of us?) - I had a lot of internal anger, unresolved issues to be faced and dealt with. Do you? There were things that knawed away at me - made me angry/frustrated and ultimately negative. Negativity is so destructive - dont u think? Then along come the magic drugs to fire you into oblivion - escape from all those feelings? Well - that's how it was for me! No - my childhood was not like yours but it did produce a girl who was angry and resentful............. and the rest, as they say, is history.
But I am learning to throw away those negative feelings (well - I am not always successful - but I am now aware of the dangers of resentment)
So - my friend - action?
And I said I wasnt going to nag! A woman's privilege to change her mind.
You are fortunate indeed to have such a soul mate in your wife. We addicts are, by our own actions, isolated and lonely - yes? Our horrible secrets keep us so alone? So - to have an understanding spouse is very special. Still - you know - we are not bad people - we are just sick - and therefore can get well - tis within our grasp. You just have to want to get better. I want it so so badly. How about you? I hate being unable to function like the rest of society - I just want to be a normal woman, wife and mother. And I think I am winning the war ( still a few small skirmishes perhaps?)
In some ways I think this fight gives us such insight into ourselves and such self knowledge? Therefore empowers us? Just look at the amount of positive energy comes out in a forum like this? There are a lot of very special and wonderful people in here - all addicts - all empowered and helping others.

So Kinda - maybe soon - you will start to heal and sleep like the rest of the world? Just how badly do you want it?

Well - guess I will sign off now - stop preaching and go and make dinner! LOL.

Thinking of you and your struggle!

yer lass

Says Paddy to Mick:
"What's a cubic foot, Mick?"
"Sure, Paddy, I dont know - but get your claim in anyway!"

rosietee
01-20-2004, 01:32 PM
Yinsky, I know that post was not for me specifically, but it was so wonderful. Thank you.

rosie

kindaunwell
01-20-2004, 01:32 PM
You too, Michelle, are one of those special kinds of people. This Board just wouldn't be the same to me, if I lost you and yinksy, just because I told some of my past truths... I lost to truthfullness some of my own family members when I finnaly told them most of the truth. But "freak Them" , I never stole from them or borrowed money (for either Bail or my lifestyle) that I didn't repay. Things just escalated from smoking pot, when I started to hang out with an older and tougher crowd. I always had to show no fear, and somtimes do crazy things, so That I was excepted by the older guys. Even the tough guys in High School always stayed clear of me because of my reputation ,and the older guys I hung with (alot of them were Vietnam vets who lost some of their soul over there!). My older brother was one of them... They taught me how to rob, steal, burgalized, and do the occassional stick- up, so the money kept comming into the group for drugs and drinking. and when I would get arrested, it usually just meant a night or two in jail, while getting my Butt kicked by either the cops or the jail guards. Anytime a Judge saw me ,I was usually looking Irish babyfaced with bruises on me, and he knew who did it, so he would just dismiss the charges or suspend the sentence and seal the record. But when I got back to the guys, they would through me one hell of a party, with real women, not girls like I was use to..... So you see Michelle, that was why I was always reluctant to tell about my past on this Board. But now I am beginng not to care what people think of me. I know the kind of person I am now-a-days , and that is a good person who would now like to help other people instead of harming them....Most of them guys are either dead, or in jail! I still write to some of them offering encouragement, but it pretty much falls on deaf ears...

Well, I guess thats enough for one post. I just felt like telling the truth today. ...>>>> it doesn't happen too often !!! Hope to hear from you soon. You are one of the good guys, John 3:16....

( just remembering some "Bad Old Days... )

Kinda-unwell

John 808
01-20-2004, 01:42 PM
Ya know, sometimes it helps it get the whole ugly truth out to a friend and then let it go. You don't ever have to worry about what you did in the past with me! Most of us have done things we aren't proud of! All we can do now, is ask for forgiveness, try to learn from it, and move on to make things better! That's the way I look at it!

Can't really post now, my one year old is in the tub and I don't want to leave her alone too long! I'll check back with you later,

Take care my friend,
Michelle

kindaunwell
01-20-2004, 02:51 PM
yinksy, John 3:16, and Rosie, You lady's are really cool and kind..... No more of my past today, Grave-Yard shilf might be a different story. (HA !!!) But I haved just Downed myself out so much, thinking about what I have done, mostly to strangers, I feeled I am going to drop off the Wagon tonight, and just get ripped. I'll feel better for it in the morning. Besides, I've done it once or twice before and none of you knew in. Unless you noticed my bad spelling, or lack of train of thought.

The Doctor and I deceided, to stop the ATIVAN. It wasn't doing anything for me anyway , and why chance another addiction. Instead I am going back to the non- adictive Trazodone at highter levels at 3- 400mg. a night. plus I talked him into giving me 2mg. of xanax a day ( i still got the gift of B.S'ing people!) Plus he doesn't know I still have bottles filled with Kolonopin and Ambien. I will be careful, but I am definitely making one hell of a cocktail tonight. I just don't want to think of my past anymore tonight... By the way Rosie, If you were around Manhattan back in the late 60's or 70's , we might have been dancing at the same clubs together, or I might of been outside robbing your car's radio. LOL !!! Just kidding.... Like Pink Floyd said, once in a while, to keep certain thoughts back, I need to get "COMFORTLY NUMB".......Tonight is one of those nights. I hope I stay awake long enough to enjoy it....

Sorry for this let-down, my friends, but this will be very theraputic for me, until my wife comes home....

(Just watching the Board, with semi closed eyes).

(Really) Kinda-unwell

yinksy
01-20-2004, 02:57 PM
OK Kinda

So how will you feel about it all tomorrow?

No - you are not hurting bad enough yet! This disease has got more in store for you, I guess.

Only when you have hit that dark pit will you really start to recover.

I am really sorry to hear you speak like this. Heaven help you.

Y

rosietee
01-20-2004, 03:05 PM
kinda,

No wonder you couldn't figure out how to Quick Reply. (just kidding). Also, I was too young in the late 60's and 70's to be clubbing in NYC (just a little). Hey, kinda, really watch out for that Xanax. I was on way less than that, never abused it and never really kept track of it and when I stopped it I had a seizure. At least you don't drive there in NY, so you don't have to worry about your license, but you could still end up in a life-threatening situation. Careful with that klonopin too! At least ambien is not a benzo, but I develop a habit with that pretty fast, which means no sleep when I stop.



Anyway, kinda, listen to yinsky--she is so wise.

We still love you,
rosie

John 808
01-20-2004, 03:11 PM
Kinda,

Getting loaded is not going to help you forget the past with the exception of tonight maybe. But why do you need to? You have all of our support! There is no need to beat yourself up over the past- I have done alot of things when I was a teenager that I am ashamed of, but I (and you) have to realize that if we ask for forgiveness...our slates are wiped clean. We don't have a past!

Go for a run, take a long, hot bath afterwards, maybe take an Ambien for aid in sleep and read a good book- you will sleep, I bet! Please don't the mistake of turning to alcohol and drugs to make things "go away." You are stronger that that! I know you are. If you believe in me, please do what I suggested and you will be so glad you did in the morning.

Post me back,
Michelle

kindaunwell
01-20-2004, 03:16 PM
OK Kinda

So how will you feel about it all tomorrow?

No - you are not hurting bad enough yet! This disease has got more in store for you, I guess.

Only when you have hit that dark pit will you really start to recover.

I am really sorry to hear you speak like this. Heaven help you.

Y



Sorry, yinksy, but I seem to be cursed with telling you Ladys the truth nowadays. I guess I could have just BS you all too, But I find myself having too much respect , earn over these few months. Would you rather me lie to you, and just keep it all inside me ??? I feel confused and hurting... (And that takes alot for me to admit that out loud, ya know.....). I'll survive this, I have survived every damm thing else thrown at me so far. !!!
I just ask for you to let me have a moment of weakness..

( I can beat anything, I always have....)

(just me) Kinda-unwell

kindaunwell
01-20-2004, 04:13 PM
Once again, ladies, I wish to apologise for lashing out....

I knew I shouldn't have revealed those things in my posts to you's. Not because of your reactions (always compassionate and understanding as usual). But because I've tried to repressed them soo much, and for awhile there it was working. Just refused to think of my past. Before my present job, the court ordered psycs visits use to try to make me talk. but I would just tell them all those years were just a drug induced haze, and I couldn't remember nothing. Even when they recited the few crimes i was busted for, I would just say no, I don't remember that. And that was the way I always wanted to keep it. I even had to lie with a straight face to the Army recruiter when he asked if I was ever in trouble with the law. But they were losing people left and rightnear the end of the war, and I guess not too many were signing up, so I guess He didn't run a very good check on me. and then Lo and Behold there was Peace, And I was sent off to fort ord to prepare for the next Israeli/arab war, that never came about. I wanted some action. I was just plain bored. I even thought of deserting and going over to Northern Ireland.....

Listen to me, I'm rambling on about nothing. Sorry ,again, Ladies... Either this subject and all the confussing its causing has gotten my Irish up, or my old punk ways are resurfaing again, where I just get mad at everybody. I said I was recovering, NOT CURED !!!

Kinda screwed -up

John 808
01-20-2004, 05:28 PM
Kinda,

It is like I said ealier, sometimes it IS good to talk about your past with a friend (and I hope you consider me a friend). You can share anything with me at anytime- it may help to "get it all out." I know when I was engaged to my husband, he wanted me to reveal everything I had ever done before I met him and I didn't want to. Basically, I had "buried" that part of my life, but after him persisting and persisting, I opened up and shared everything with him and it actually felt good. I mean, it hurt to think of the people (my parents) that I had hurt and I grieved over that, but it felt good to share that with someone else and know that it was all going to be okay. That may be good for you. Don't apologize for sharing and opening up- that is what we are here for- to help one another. If it helps you to talk about your past, then so be it. I just don't want you to live your life in regret over things you did when you were young. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES! Know that you have been forgiven and live your life to the best RIGHT NOW- that is all you can do. But "covering up" the past with drinking and drugging isn't going to work- you know that!

Look, I am here for you....whenever....okay? Don't let your past determine your future! Hang in there and God bless (He will ya know),
Michelle :)

kindaunwell
01-20-2004, 10:13 PM
Kinda,

It is like I said ealier, sometimes it IS good to talk about your past with a friend (and I hope you consider me a friend). You can share anything with me at anytime- it may help to "get it all out." I know when I was engaged to my husband, he wanted me to reveal everything I had ever done before I met him and I didn't want to. Basically, I had "buried" that part of my life, but after him persisting and persisting, I opened up and shared everything with him and it actually felt good. I mean, it hurt to think of the people (my parents) that I had hurt and I grieved over that, but it felt good to share that with someone else and know that it was all going to be okay. That may be good for you. Don't apologize for sharing and opening up- that is what we are here for- to help one another. If it helps you to talk about your past, then so be it. I just don't want you to live your life in regret over things you did when you were young. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES! Know that you have been forgiven and live your life to the best RIGHT NOW- that is all you can do. But "covering up" the past with drinking and drugging isn't going to work- you know that!

Look, I am here for you....whenever....okay? Don't let your past determine your future! Hang in there and God bless (He will ya know),
Michelle :)



Hi, John 3 :16

You are a good Woman, With a big heart For forgiveness... Plus I remember what your ordeal was Like, (and still is, I know).And yet you conqured something (Pills) while still being a great mom and wife...That seems amazing to me and you should be very proud !!!

I am " feeling no pain, right now, although I did have another Big blow-up, when my wife came home and got a good look at my eyes, and speech pattern, But we had been arguing since yesterday, about a different matter, so tonight I told her I didn't care what the hell she thought of me.... There'll be no joy in Mudvill again tonight !!!

But tonight I have just taken Benzos only. It would have been very easy to make just one phone call to a friend, and I could of had "anything" I wanted "delivered" to my door in less than a half an hour, To me ,the way I was feeling before, I thought I showed some restraint on that.I stopped my bad habits in the past without any counciling, Except for one "good friend", My main man, who didn't hang out with my crowd. I could tell him every thing, and he never got down on me. He always tried to lead me in the "right direction" and I loved him for that. No strings attached, He never pushed me too hard... But I guess I just wasn't ready yet, at that time. And when I went into the service, I just lost track of him... And the drug usage just continued on and on. hell, I didn't even want to stoo, even when I had the Frankfort polizie after me for dealing. They never got a good look at my face (except for the dogs they turned loose on me). I never went to jail over there.and I pretty much kept my drug use under control. an occassional rip-off of a German dealer, and I didn't have to do any thing else bad. Most people who would of been through my life probably would have ended up 'real bad (Like some I still know ,but don't hang with anymore). I am proud of my present, and what my future might hold for me if I work at it hard enough, But my past will always haunt me, and occasionly get me real down like it did tonight. And even though I am typing this to you,Michelle, I know the whole Board can read it, and it might lessen me some in their eyes..... But,I guess that the way it has to be, huh. NO matter, I know the kind of person I am Today, and I feel proud of myself for comming such a long was. Close to day 50'th without an opiate in me !!!

Well I probably both bored and shocked you all in one night. I still don't know if it was the right decision in revealing all this.I'm
sure am going to miss postig to me Lass, yinksy, and the banter we use to have between us..

WEll, take care my fine Lady, and I hope things get better for you with each and every day. Hey, was that your Husband i just heard calling out for you. LOL!!!

( not feeling too good tonight )

(just) Kinda-unwell

kindaunwell
01-20-2004, 10:32 PM
Hey,BadAttitude !

Are you stiil bogged down in school work, or are you finnaly putting in some "normal" sleeping hours, and have temparally left the Grave-yard shift ???. Whever you time, drop me a post.

Take Good Cars, Autumn

(just me )

Kinda-unwell

kindaunwell
01-20-2004, 10:40 PM
Hey, Rosie. Did I catch You at a busy time ?. I remember you saying your little ones are night owls, and that doesn'tvgive you much time to post ate at night. If you find the time, and don't mind drop me apost, and make me smile!

(just) Kinda-unwell

BadAttitude
01-20-2004, 11:30 PM
Hey,BadAttitude !

Are you stiil bogged down in school work, or are you finnaly putting in some "normal" sleeping hours, and have temparally left the Grave-yard shift ???. Whever you time, drop me a post.

Take Good Cars, Autumn

(just me )

Kinda-unwell

Hey, Kinda

Guess I missed you, yes on Tuesday I am bogged down as I have a night class and it gets done late and then I have a long drive home and then food and unwind for a while, so I guess I missed you. I thought that I would get on here and see if you were around or not.
So how are things going, have you been to the doc? Have you been doing any better at sleeping? So tell me what is going on with you? I read your post to Michelle and I do not think less of you. I do hope that you do not start using benzo'a again thought, it is your life and you have to make the decesions I am just here to listen and to lend support in wherever your decesion is.

Well I am going to check on some of my emails before I hit the sack but I will check back before I do and see if you have replied, if not I will talk to you tomorrow as I have no classes tomorrow.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

BadAttitude
01-21-2004, 12:20 AM
Hey, Kinda

Guess I missed you, yes on Tuesday I am bogged down as I have a night class and it gets done late and then I have a long drive home and then food and unwind for a while, so I guess I missed you. I thought that I would get on here and see if you were around or not.
So how are things going, have you been to the doc? Have you been doing any better at sleeping? So tell me what is going on with you? I read your post to Michelle and I do not think less of you. I do hope that you do not start using benzo'a again thought, it is your life and you have to make the decesions I am just here to listen and to lend support in wherever your decesion is.

Well I am going to check on some of my emails before I hit the sack but I will check back before I do and see if you have replied, if not I will talk to you tomorrow as I have no classes tomorrow.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~
Hi, Kinda
Hey, I can understand about how thinking about the past can hurt so much, I am a surivor of child abuse and of spousal abuse, not blaming the abuse for my being an alcoholic as I was the one that chose to drink, I drank to try to forget the past the past that was so painful that I just wanted to forget it. Until oneday 6 years ago when I almsot died from my alcoholism, I was not eating only drinking and my stomach was bleeding and colon had holes in it and I was bleeding I could not keep any food down and I have lost 62 pounds in 2 months. The doc put me in the hospital and all I could think about was trying to bribe my boyfiend into getting me a beer I wanted one so bad even thought I was dying form alcoholism. I figured that if I quit drinking all the pain and the bad memories would come back and they did with a vengence once I started going into dt's. The had nightmares of the past being beat and almost being killed by my ex by I made it I relived my past and I dealt with it. I had to deal with it head on or else my past was not going to let me have a future, I was killing myself with alcohol rather then face my past. Many nights I woke up screaming and in a cold sweat reliving the past that no one should ever have to go through.

But kinda, I made it I am here today and I have been clean for the last 5 years, yeah, I know I said it was six years ago that I alsmost died but I did slip up once or twice during the first year so it only 5 years clean. :)

Kinda, I tell you this because I know how hard it is to share this side of you and that it makes you feel vunerable I know as it is not of my culture to share with out sider. Let me explain what I mean by that I am half-Native American all my life I was brought up around alcohol and abuse on the reservation where I grew up so being and alcoholic at the age of 13 was not a hard thing to do for me.

Kinda we all have our pasts to deal with what is important isn't ouor past it's our future.

Well like I said I usually don't share much about myslef as it is not of my culture but I wanted you to understnad that I know of dealing with the past and how scarey the future can be. What's why I am here talking to you that's why I come here and read how eveyone is fighting there addictions with battles won and battles lost. Being here and talking to you and listing to others helps me stay sober and helps me realize how far I have come and how far that I still have to go, I am in recovery I am not recovered. As I tell everyone I am a work in progress.

Kinda, I am going to go to bed now and I hope to talk to you soon.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

rosietee
01-21-2004, 01:18 AM
Hey, Rosie. Did I catch You at a busy time ?. I remember you saying your little ones are night owls, and that doesn'tvgive you much time to post ate at night. If you find the time, and don't mind drop me apost, and make me smile!

(just) Kinda-unwell

Hey, you, I am up. Just read that post from Autumn--now that is worth printing and reading every day, I think. My little ones actually went to sleep around 10:30 (sort of). The only way I can get them both to sleep by myself (when my husband is not home) is by lying on the living room floor with them and telling them if they get up I will turn off the TV. As soon as the older one fell asleep and I was carrying her upstairs, the little one started screaming bloody murder. I just started running up the stairs, but managed to get her down. Then I was holding the little one until about an hour ago, researching with one hand. My husband is still at the office and I have been working here at home, talking to him on the phone. Whenever I work late like this, though I get so wound up, that I really can't sleep. I am going to try a klonopin, but I have been taking them almost every day now, though not for long, and am worried about having to do a taper off of those.

ok, little one is whimpering, gotta go. Stay strong. I took an extra dose today, so I am going to try to skip a night time dose and start fresh and strong tomorrow. But still not using like I was, so that part is good.

Be good. We are all in this together. Realize that your fight with your wife may very well be caused by mood swings caused by the drugs. (happens with me). Think back to good times and how lucky you are to have her, while she is asleep, and try to get a fresh perspective for tomorrow. That works for me sometimes, I think about when I first got a crush on my husband, and it gives me perspective.

Thanks for asking about me--I kind of needed a buddy today. I was reading about the hard time you have been having, and I have days/weeks/. . . like that too.

Thinking of you and hoping you hang in there--
rosie

John 808
01-21-2004, 05:05 AM
Hey Kinda...

My husband is calling me...so I'll have to post you later! :)

J/K...have to take my daughter to the dentist...I'll post you when I get back,
Michelle

yinksy
01-21-2004, 10:43 AM
"Well I probably both bored and shocked you all in one night. I still don't know if it was the right decision in revealing all this.I'm
sure am going to miss postig to me Lass, yinksy, and the banter we use to have between us.. "


Shocked? Nope!
And - why are you going to stop posting to me?
Something I said???

50 days opiate free is wonderful - "hand to the plough" and dont look back!

yer Lass

John 808
01-21-2004, 12:05 PM
Hey Kinda,

My daughter had some baby teeth pulled today, so I couldn't post earlier. Look, all I am going to say is that is what this board if for. Helping each other through our struggles. If it helps you to talk about your past and get it out in the open, then do so! Just don't beat yourself up over it- that's all! No one here has a perfect past- but you cannot turn to drugs and alcohol to forget about your past. Okay?

Congrats on fifty days opiate free- I am really proud of you!

Well, my husband is home, so, I'll talk with you later and CHIN UP!
Take care of you,
Michelle

kindaunwell
01-21-2004, 12:49 PM
"Well I probably both bored and shocked you all in one night. I still don't know if it was the right decision in revealing all this.I'm
sure am going to miss postig to me Lass, yinksy, and the banter we use to have between us.. "


Shocked? Nope!
And - why are you going to stop posting to me?
Something I said???

50 days opiate free is wonderful - "hand to the plough" and dont look back!

yer Lass



Hi, yinksy <<<<< how did you come up with that name. ???.

Well I got about 10 hours of straight sleep yesterday/today.
But I woke up with such a "hangover". Real bad headache, bad
body aches, very lethagic. I felt like I drank A bottle of J.D. (JACK DANIELS ) with a six pack of Heineken as a chaser. <<<< more old bad times history !!!

But, as usual, you were right,---- I did way over do it last night. !!!. I sure don't plan on doing that much again.... I don't know, I just felt like I let you down , by paying no heed to your advice and warnings. So I figured you would give up on me, and find someone better you could really help..... I just hate to think of the things I did in the past soo much. I don't want to acknowledge the way I was. I'm sure a psyc. would tell me ,that talking about it would be the best way to get over it, but I think I would have to be pretty damm well stoned to do it. And I don't want to be stoned anymore.... So I hope we can get back to how we were before ---- funny, yet very adviseable....

( Still just learning)

Kinda- unwell

kindaunwell
01-21-2004, 01:09 PM
Hey Kinda,

My daughter had some baby teeth pulled today, so I couldn't post earlier. Look, all I am going to say is that is what this board if for. Helping each other through our struggles. If it helps you to talk about your past and get it out in the open, then do so! Just don't beat yourself up over it- that's all! No one here has a perfect past- but you cannot turn to drugs and alcohol to forget about your past. Okay?

Congrats on fifty days opiate free- I am really proud of you!

Well, my husband is home, so, I'll talk with you later and CHIN UP!
Take care of you,
Michelle



Hi, John 3:16

Thanks for your kind words, Michelle. I guess I still have some "head problems" to work out, besides my drug problems.... But you guys are a BIG HELP, and I really do appreciate it. Maybe one day ,I will be able to help other people, instead of just concentrating on myself.... Have you noticed The amount of people who "view" this thread of ours, but it seems like only us 4 or 5 actually talk to each other. I wonder why. ???

Well I let you go for now, because your husband might be "calling out for you again. LOL !!!

Take Good Care, Michelle

Kinda- unwell

kindaunwell
01-21-2004, 01:28 PM
Hi YA, BadAttitude

I know you have been real busy with classes and all, but I just thought I would give you a quick buzz to see how you were doing....

When you can find some time , let me know. ???

Okay, Take Good Care, Autumn,

(just me )

Kinda- unwell

BadAttitude
01-21-2004, 01:43 PM
Hi YA, BadAttitude

I know you have been real busy with classes and all, but I just thought I would give you a quick buzz to see how you were doing....

When you can find some time , let me know. ???

Okay, Take Good Care, Autumn,

(just me )

Kinda- unwell
Kinda,
The time is now talk to me I am online and I will be more then happy to listen to what you have to say. I read all of your previous posts did you read mine telliing you about my life I can relate to the pain of dealing with past issues, so talk to me.
I am going to read a few emails and then come back and see if you posted to me, ok.

~Autumn~

kindaunwell
01-21-2004, 03:52 PM
Hey, BadAttitude

How have the classes been going. ???. I never went to college (the service instead ), even though you told me once before you are only attending certain types of classes, still it must take alot of Brain-power and determination.. My high school days were pretty much of a blur (constantly stoned, when I even showed up). But, back in the early seventies, they were passing everybody, just to get them outta the school, and make themsrlves look good while doing it....

So I guess you saw my other posts to yinksy and John 3:16 about my younger years,huh ???. I just can't seem to cope with it !!! Not only did my group rob, burgalize and extort from innocent people (me doing it too...), but even though I had my own piece (snub-nose 38), I never shot anybody. But I was present on afew times when some of the other "Really hard-core" guys did.....
All this just for drug and drinking money.!!!. And this type of behavior carried on when I went into the Army, about a week after graduation. Maybe I justed wanted to get away from it all. but I just met up with another drug group in the service and even though some of the crime was less, it was still a bad scene. It got worse when I was transferred to Germany. Again, I met up with some "bad" people (I always seem to find them !!), and their main gig was ripping off German drug dealers. One of whome was a German cop,under cover. They took afew shots at me and set loose the German Shepards on me and the others( those are some mean *** dogs !!). I wasn't caught but 2 others were, and one of them implicated me. Luchily I had some good alibis and a damm good lawyer from the Judge Avocates office. I had already been 'Honorably Discharged (LOL !!!) when that guy was paroled from Germain jail (The Germans were so ****** off at us,they wouldn't give us over to a US military court). I heard he didn't last 24 hours before getting what he deserved....

When I made it back to NYC I went right back to the same old crowd. Although they were alittle thinned out from the ones who O.D.'ed, like my older brother, and other were doing long streches in jail. I didn't really care that much for the new guys, so I deceided to go back to So. Cal. I met up with some of my buddies who weren't into the "hard-core" stuff, and I just bounced around doing roofing work.After a few years of being there, Texas, Wyoming and Colorodo. I came back to NYC ,met up with a bunch of Basketball (My favorite game game) players and eventurely met my wife at the same park (she was a paddle ball player, who I aske one day if she could teach me how to play. Boy, she taught me that and hoe to enjoy life without taking drugs. But, alas I was a slow but steady learner. then my back started going on me in 1999. And over the years and operations, I found myself abusing alot of drugs again, this time, mostly legal and to stop my back pain

So, that pretty much brings me up to now. 50 days of NO opiates or pot, But having trouble with insomnia and the benzos to make me sleep.

Whew, Autumn, I bet this post was longer than some of your books you have to read. LOL!!!LOL!!!
Sorry about that.......

Hope to hear from you soon,

Kinda-unwell

kindaunwell
01-21-2004, 08:51 PM
Hello, To All,

Well, its getting close to midnight, here in NYC, and I just wanted to know if anyone out there will be joining me for the "GRAVE-YARD" shift.???. We can talk about anything you care to...
It just seems strange that with over a thousand viewers, there really is only about 4 or 5 people actually talking to each other. And this includes posting all day long. This isn't a Private Thread !!! All of you are free to join in with your comments, or questions.... The more people joining in on this thread makes it better... So I hope to begin to see some new names joining in, okay..

Take Care People,

( A just a waiting.... )

Kinda-unwell

kindaunwell
01-21-2004, 09:02 PM
Hi YA, John 3:16,

Are you still awake, now that you are getting back "to normal".
Going to bed at a decent time. Or whenever Hubby starts "Screaming Out" for you ???. LOL!!

I didn't do what I did last night, so I will be up for quite awhile again, as usual...

Kinda-unwell

BadAttitude
01-21-2004, 09:18 PM
Hey, BadAttitude

How have the classes been going. ???. I never went to college (the service instead ), even though you told me once before you are only attending certain types of classes, still it must take alot of Brain-power and determination.. My high school days were pretty much of a blur (constantly stoned, when I even showed up). But, back in the early seventies, they were passing everybody, just to get them outta the school, and make themsrlves look good while doing it....

So I guess you saw my other posts to yinksy and John 3:16 about my younger years,huh ???. I just can't seem to cope with it !!! So, that pretty much brings me up to now. 50 days of NO opiates or pot, But having trouble with insomnia and the benzos to make me sleep.

Whew, Autumn, I bet this post was longer than some of your books you have to read. LOL!!!LOL!!!
Sorry about that.......

Hope to hear from you soon,

Kinda-unwell

Hey, Kinda
I thought that I would check on you before I went to bed, hey I don't know about your post being longer then some of my books as I just finished reading 75 pages of a article for my class tomorrow morning.

Hey, Kinda you know I am just a 47 year old Native American girl who has had to deal with a lot of pain from my past and learn to deal with it so that I can have a future. Kinda in order to have a future we have to deal with our past my past drug me down so low that it almost killed me and hurt all of those that I love. You have to learn to deal with your past so that you can have a future I am not saying it easy as I remember to well all the times that I woke up in a cold sweat screaming when I had dreams of things that I repressed that were so painful that I did not want to ever remember, but I did it and I made it through it.

It's because I dealt with my past that I have been able to stay sober and go to college. I had to work two and three jobs before to take care of my daughter and to keep a roof over our heads and to feed my addiction of alcohol, I didn't have the time or even care about getting and education just getting by was hard enough for me. Well now I am finally in college I have earned two degrees allready and I am working on two more degrees right know and going to college fulltime. But only becuase I dealt with my past and put it behind me and becuase I was able to but a 23 year addiction to alcohol into remission, even thought I am on the road to recovery I will never fool myself into think that I am recovred.

Kinda, you have to deal with the past and put it behind you, so talk to someone get it off of your chest. Kinda, the things that you have done in the past neither impress me nor deter me from caring about you as a human being we all makes mistakes we all have done things in the past that we are not proud of, but don't let the past keep you from having a future, you know we only get one chance at this life and then it's gone.
Hope that you get some sleep tonight my friend, I will be hitting the bed myself in about an hour or so since I have a class tomorrow.
Take care and talk to you soon.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

John 808
01-21-2004, 09:23 PM
Hey Kinda,

I am still up but barely- I took a muslce relaxer. Since I have been exercising, my muslces ache! My "bedroom behavior" has come alive again, too! I didn't realize how the pills had affected that area in my life. It's a whole new ballgame now! :) For the better, I am always up for extra innings! LOL!

I am glad you didn't do what you did last night! And, have you made up with your wife? I hope so! She sounds lilke a really special lady.

I may be hitting the sack here in a minute....hopefully you'll find another night-owl to keep you company. I'll check on you in the morning, but PLEASE try, alteast try to get some sleep- okay? Promise? I worry about you. Hey, go read the Bible! :) Don't laugh at me, Kinda. It'll do you some good- go to Psalms or Proverbs. Just give it a try or if you haven't made up with your wife....go do that....right now!

Talk with you later and be good tonight,
Michelle

John 808
01-21-2004, 11:31 PM
Oh, Kinda!

It's 2:30 (my time) and you are asleep? No response from you so I am assuming.........

Michelle :)

yinksy
01-22-2004, 12:13 AM
Kinda - well - I guess if you are going to have a hangover you might as well make it a good one?

So - how r u feeling about things now? More positive?

yes Lass

kindaunwell
01-22-2004, 12:13 AM
Oh, Kinda!

It's 2:30 (my time) and you are asleep? No response from you so I am assuming.........

Michelle :)



What !!! Are you kidding me, Michelle.??? The real question is "What are you doing awake at this time". ??? Its gonna be another all nighter for me again, and probably into the morning.... I'm just hanging out on the web, And whenever I see A new Post I usually answer it. I am so bored.... Oh, Well.....

Kinda-Unwell

yinksy
01-22-2004, 12:16 AM
Bored? Why? No books?

kindaunwell
01-22-2004, 12:26 AM
Kinda - well - I guess if you are going to have a hangover you might as well make it a good one?

So - how r u feeling about things now? More positive?

yes Lass


yinksy, yeah it was pretty rough when I got up this morning. But now I feel better, and maybe I have learned a lesson. I don't know why, but sometimes, I still do stupid things like that.... Maybe I am just a stupid, stubborn, Irishman. !!!. There are plenty of them around, Huh ???
Well, good Morning to ya ,and I hope your day goes well... Post back whenever you want, as I will probably be awake,,, Oh Yeah, Michelle just posted to me, so I think she is having a little insomnia also.

( Just Me )

Kinda-Unwell

yinksy
01-22-2004, 12:32 AM
Well - sleep is no longer a problem for me. I just gave up on all the advice I was given on pills/supplements etc. Decided just to let the poor wee frazzled brain do its own thing! And most definitely - stayed away from doctors - who seem to treat everything with a pill! After about a week - things started to improve and - and after a couple of weeks (with absolutely nothing in my system incl caffeine!!) I started to sleep well again. It really did not take that long. The brain must be a remarkable organ - powerful and with a strong survival instict? I hadnt slept in years until then.
So - why dont u try?

Hear the one about the Irish tap dancer?
Fell in the sink and broke his leg!!

yer Lass

rosietee
01-22-2004, 12:56 AM
Hi, yinsky, I intend to try that. I have actually been there until my first husband killed himself and it all went out the window then.

Kinda, I see you are up. I was asleep but my 1-year old woke me up so I got her back down and my computer is doing the lawnmower thing again. So I got up to turn it off, ended up doing research for work and then checking in on you guys. Took a couple extra today and feel bad. But my doctor called in a refill on my ambien (wasn't sure if she would) and I am happy about that as it helps me get to sleep even when going through mild withdrawals.

I have been thinking about alot to say to you, but it will have to wait, as I am actually tired and hopefully will sleep. We all have things we are ashamed of, and you would never believe the foolish things I have done if you were to meet me. My high school drama teacher swore I wouldn't make it to 20. My therapist when I was in high school said I would either be the first woman president or the world's most cunning criminal.

Well now i live in a new house on a cul de sac with 2 kids, my husband and I are both professionals (well I am sort of 3 days a week, but mainly a mom), it is supposed to be 75 degrees tomorrow and life should be great. Somehow I will stop short of ruining that. No more sabotaging. I will definitely do another NA meeting and try to stay on track.

Well puter is quiet again, but I think I will turn it off and give it some rest.

You try to rest too!

Will talk to you later,
rosie

kindaunwell
01-22-2004, 01:01 AM
Ya see yinksy, thats one of the things I always liked about you, You seem to know when to throw a joke in at the right time.... And maybe because I'm Irish, I get a good chuckle from them. !!!
How about this one.------ What do most Irishmen have in common with Jesus ? >>> They both lived with their Mother until they were 33, and neitherhad a job... lol!!!

But seriously, I am begining to give serious thought to what you said about just plain old stopping everything. Maybe wean down for a week or so, and then just stop. They really don't seem to do much for me anyway, Ya Know.??? Once I truly decide on doing something, I usually do.
I promise to give it some serious thought. And if I do , you'll have brought another sheep into the fold....

( Just a wavering )

Kindaunwell

yinksy
01-22-2004, 01:05 AM
How about the Irish fencing team?
Couldnt get their JCB into the Olympic Stadium!

Off tae work now! Be good! Chuck the chemicals and set yourself free!

yer Lass

kindaunwell
01-22-2004, 01:19 AM
Thanks for your constant confidense in me yinksy. I hope
one day to prove you right....

Enjoy your work day,

( just )

Kinda

John 808
01-22-2004, 05:37 AM
Good morning, Kinda, and to all of ya'll,

I was up at 2:30 because my husband woke my up....I was able to go back to sleep pretty quick after checking on you guys.

So, you had another all-nighter? Didin't sleep any? Give Yinsky's suggestion a try- altleast for a week (since you are not having to work just yet). Maybe that will do the trick!

Hang in there, you, gotta go get my babies ready for Mother's Morning Out!
Michelle :)

BadAttitude
01-22-2004, 08:19 PM
Hey, Kinda
I thought that I would check on you before I went to bed, hey I don't know about your post being longer then some of my books as I just finished reading 75 pages of a article for my class tomorrow morning.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

Hey, Kinda you don't want to talk to me no more. :confused:

Oh, well I guess just as long as you have some support it dosen't matter who you talk to.

Take care my friend,

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

kindaunwell
01-22-2004, 08:57 PM
Hey, Kinda you don't want to talk to me no more. :confused:

Oh, well I guess just as long as you have some support it dosen't matter who you talk to.

Take care my friend,

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~



Hey BadAttitude,

You should know better than that. I've come to admire you for what you have overcome and how now, you are giving back to other people who are now going through your prior "ordeal". Also, because of your heavy class load , I've lost you from my midnight shift. Actually there really isn't anyone left that will "shoot the breeze" with me after 1 AM. So I am mostly just Web Surfing.....

Hey, if you are stiil awake, and have the time, there is a difference of opinions going around the Board that you might have better knowledge of, than most of us....

Are you still awake, Autumn. ???

Kinda-Unwell

kindaunwell
01-22-2004, 09:24 PM
Hey, Autumn, how come no responce from you from my last post sent to you not too long after you posted to me. ????

I hope you are not mad at me now. I do value talking to you, and I have alot more to say to you

Whats-up.??? Please respond to me....

(Still your friend...)

Kinda-Unwell

kindaunwell
01-22-2004, 09:47 PM
Hey, Rosie, How are you doing in that nice So. Cal. weather ???. I hate the cold with a terrible passion. And it seems this NYC cold spell is never going to end... Whenever I go out , I have so many layers on me,hats and gloves, long johns, 800 gram insulated boots,and a scarf , I must look like "NaNook" from the north of Alaska. LOL!!!. But I don't care as long as it keeps me warm....

Anyway,I just wanted to see if you were awake and on the Board. If so , give me back a buzz, and let me know whats new with you, okay.....

( A change in medication !!!)

Kinda-Unwell

kindaunwell
01-22-2004, 10:14 PM
Hey, yinksy, I figured It would be nice to tell you as you are a-rising outta bed (a good nights sleep ,I bet !! ) Top of the morning to yer Lass, and I think you will be happy to know, That I am finally going to try your ADVISE ( Irish nagging ,so to speak !! )

I have deceided from last night on, I will no longer put any type of Drug into my body, and just let this insomnia heal itself naturally. I spoke with me Pain Doc. and he said ,"WHY NOT", because all the bensos so far only helped me the first 2 or 3 days and then they did nothing for me. My next step would of been Halcion (sp. ) and I already knew from buying them off from the street that they might worke, but the addiction possibillity was very high.

So, when you get on the computer ,tell me what you think.. And I really did believe your advice ( No Doubting TOMMY this time ), but it just took awhile to make its way into this thick Irish head of mine. But I am "secretly" glad you never gave up on me....

Hope to hear from you soon....

( A changing Me )

Kinda-Unwell

BadAttitude
01-22-2004, 11:50 PM
Hey, Autumn, how come no responce from you from my last post sent to you not too long after you posted to me. ????

I hope you are not mad at me now. I do value talking to you, and I have alot more to say to you

Whats-up.??? Please respond to me....

(Still your friend...)

Kinda-Unwell

Hi, kinda
No way am I mad at you, sorry that I didn't respond eariler but got busy with school work. :)
I am done with school work for the night and no classes tomorrow so I will be on for a while if you want to talk.
Oh, and thank you for your kind words, I hope that I am able to help you in some small way, even if it is only by listening and being threre for you to talk to. Yes, I have been throught a lot and come along way that is why it is so important to me to be there for others as I know how lonely it was for me not to have no one there for me when I was going through my alcoholism and dt's.
Talk to you soon, I will be on line for a while tonight.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

BadAttitude
01-23-2004, 12:22 AM
Hey BadAttitude,

You should know better than that. I've come to admire you for what you have overcome and how now, you are giving back to other people who are now going through your prior "ordeal". Also, because of your heavy class load , I've lost you from my midnight shift. Actually there really isn't anyone left that will "shoot the breeze" with me after 1 AM. So I am mostly just Web Surfing.....

Hey, if you are stiil awake, and have the time, there is a difference of opinions going around the Board that you might have better knowledge of, than most of us....

Are you still awake, Autumn. ???

Kinda-Unwell
Hi, Kinda
Guess I missed you again, thanks for the kind words. Yes, sometimes class work does overwhelm me but then again it will all be worth it when I get these next two degree's that I am working on right know.

Read in another post that you were going to quit putting any kind of drugs in you body, I am so glad to hear that. :)

Hey, what's this difference of opinion that is going around on the boards that you are talking about that I might have an opinion on?

Well it's 3:19 a.m. here and since you are not online I hope that means that you are getting some sleep, me I will probably hit the hay in a few hours since I have no classes tomorrow I am all nighting it and will sleep in the a.m.
Talk to you later, my friend.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

kindaunwell
01-23-2004, 01:24 AM
Well,BadAttitude, I was glad to get your post just now. I thought I might have blown our little relationship... I know the last 2 posts of yours, I couldn't get right back to you, because when my wife says her shows are on, she gets to dominate the T. V. And since I am a WEBTV user, all posting stops until she goes to sleep. I know its a poor excuse, but it is true...

I've read your post on your drinking history, and it amazes me how well you deal with it, have overcome it, and now devote yourself to helping other people. I don't know if I have that good a trait in my personality. I believe you said you read my drug history from a very young age. I have a real hard time dealing with it myself, so I just figure other people will think very poorly of me when they hear of it. Its not just all the hard drugs I am ashamed of, but the criminality I was involved in really sickens me. Its not like I did one or two bad things that could be blamed on a wild youth. These were big time felonies that I was involved in for many years. And they were mosly done to innocent people. How can I ever forgive myself, or make up for what was done to these people. Besides some of them are dead (mostly when we were ripping off other dealers ) and like I said ,I used my gun to commit armed roberies. But I never took another life with it. But I did set up some people who were killed...

Like you said once before, there was a thin line between you and the inmates you were counciling. Well, without the luck of the Irish, and the fact no one ever squealed on each other ( that would have been certain death whenever you made it back out to the streets ), I could of easily been one of your inmates. Alot of the guys did streches for years at a time. My older brother was always in and out of Rikers Island, and Greenhaven State prison. Until He finally O D'ed...
Although most of the guys were Irish (with some Westies connections), we were diversified in that we had Blacks, Spanish And even a crazy Chinese guy. Even the other local and school gangs backed off if we were around. I was never jumped or beat up in all my teenage years. Even my straight friends were kinda afraid to be with me. And when I went into the Army (to get away from the cops, and hoping I could exscape what I was into,), I still just naturely ended up with the bad drug crowd. And when I got stationed over to Germany, the crimes and drugs just seemed to follow me....

So now you know Autumn, I didn't just hurt myself, but other innocent people. How can I ever forgive myself for that. So I mainly just drank and did every drug I could get my hands on just to put it out of my mind. I even took some extra heavy hits of Heroin hoping I would just O D and end it all forever..... It wasn't until I met my wife and we had a son that I was able to surpress everything. Although up until recently, I would still get F***- up, whenever those memories came back. I still write to some of my closer friends who are doing 25 to life in Greenhaven, but we only talk about other things. I know the mail gets monitered by the prison officals.

Well, you wanted to know about me, and thats the "Brutal Truth"
How could anyone really expect me to get over that. ???. I am a different person now, who sometimes go out of my way to help people. And I've never Hurted another person in many years. But i'll have that with me until the day I die. Sometimes I feel I know exactly where I'm going when i do finally die. Hell, Satan probally will make me a lieutenant.....

I know this was a long and shocking post to you Autumn. Thats why I always feel that no matter what, once people really know me and my past, they will drop me in a flash.....

If you don't return me a post, i'll understand.....

(triing to change but always remembering...)

Kinda- Unwell ( and deserving to )

kindaunwell
01-23-2004, 01:32 AM
Hi, Kinda
Guess I missed you again, thanks for the kind words. Yes, sometimes class work does overwhelm me but then again it will all be worth it when I get these next two degree's that I am working on right know.

Read in another post that you were going to quit putting any kind of drugs in you body, I am so glad to hear that. :)

Hey, what's this difference of opinion that is going around on the boards that you are talking about that I might have an opinion on?

Well it's 3:19 a.m. here and since you are not online I hope that means that you are getting some sleep, me I will probably hit the hay in a few hours since I have no classes tomorrow I am all nighting it and will sleep in the a.m.
Talk to you later, my friend.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~



Sorry, Autumn ,I was still posting to you when you last posted to me. I really don't know what to say to you ,unless I hear back from you again....

( Just me)

Kinda nothing right now..

BadAttitude
01-23-2004, 02:57 AM
Sorry, Autumn ,I was still posting to you when you last posted to me. I really don't know what to say to you ,unless I hear back from you again....

( Just me)

Kinda nothing right now..

Hi, Kinda
Well I ment to be in bed by know but that is not how things worked out, it turns out that because of a commitment that my daughter has I will be up till about 10 a.m. before I get to go to bed, so I thought that I would write you back.

Kinda, the things that you have done in the past do not affect how I feel about you as a person. Yes, you have done some bad things but you can't go back and change the past, you can only move forward into the future. You can't make amends to those that you hurt in the past that are gone, but you can make amends in a different way by getting your life on track and helping other's, and by being a good husband and a good father and teaching your son how to be a good husband and father. You have to learn to forgive yourself for the things that you did in the past and taking drugs will not make the past disappear it will still be there waiting for you, beleive me I know. Kinda you need to learn to forgive yourself, and put the past behind you and live for the future.

Hey, I worked with murders, drug dealers, and rapists in prison I didn't let there offense's get in the way of me helping them and I wouldn't let the things that you have done in your past get in the way of me helping you and being there for you to help you deal with the drug abuse. Kinda, we are all speacial in our own way and we all have something to give, just think someday when you have you life on track you might deceide to help people with addictions or something, that would be a good way for you to make restitution for your past.

Kinda, really seriously think about getting off all drugs and give your self a break we are all valuable in our own way, and you do have value as a person and as a friend. I do consider you my friend we share the common bond of addiction and hopefully we can help and encourage each other on this journey.

Well I am going to get some strong columbian coffee so I can stay wake and take my daughter where she needs to be at 9 a.m. and I will talk to you later, I will probably sleep throught the day and be on tonight (Friday).

Take care my friend,
Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

kindaunwell
01-23-2004, 03:10 AM
You are a good person,Autumn, I won't forget that.......

Thanks

( still) kinda-unwell (though)

BadAttitude
01-23-2004, 03:30 AM
You are a good person,Autumn, I won't forget that.......

Thanks

( still) kinda-unwell (though)


Thank you, Kinda.

So you still online, are you getting any sleep, are you still taking stuff to make you sleep or did you quit all of that?

Will still be on for a while if you want to talk.

Take care my friend,
Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

kindaunwell
01-23-2004, 05:29 AM
Thank you, Kinda.

So you still online, are you getting any sleep, are you still taking stuff to make you sleep or did you quit all of that?

Will still be on for a while if you want to talk.

Take care my friend,
Love & Happiness
~Autumn~




Good Morning, BadAttitude

Yes I am still awake and will be for quite awhile longer. I have a doctors appt. at around 11:30. They are gonna give me a blood test to check on my thyroids and liver and whatever else they check for. The Pain Doc wants this done. He doesn't understand why my body creates so fast a tolerence to all the medications I have taken. After 2 or 3 days the medications seem to lose affect on me, and either they have to be raised or completely changed.

But I decieded last night not to take any medication at all. Includings the Ativan or any thing else. I will let my insomnia cure itself naturally. So I guess I won't be doing much sleeping for quite awhile...

Don't you have an appt. (FOR your daughter), at around 9:00 today. ??? If I don't hear right back from you , I guess thats where you are. If so, Buzz me when you get back....

Take Good Care, Autumn

KInda-Unwell

OH yea, the posts I thought you might have better knowledge of than most of us are---"Confiding in your doctor about your addiction" by John 3:16...... And also "Could use some advise on how to tell my doctor" by Creeky.

They are not too far down the Board... Tell me what you think,okay ???.

see ya.....

yinksy
01-23-2004, 05:42 AM
Hey, yinksy, I figured It would be nice to tell you as you are a-rising outta bed (a good nights sleep ,I bet !! ) Top of the morning to yer Lass, and I think you will be happy to know, That I am finally going to try your ADVISE ( Irish nagging ,so to speak !! )

I have deceided from last night on, I will no longer put any type of Drug into my body, and just let this insomnia heal itself naturally. I spoke with me Pain Doc. and he said ,"WHY NOT", because all the bensos so far only helped me the first 2 or 3 days and then they did nothing for me. My next step would of been Halcion (sp. ) and I already knew from buying them off from the street that they might worke, but the addiction possibillity was very high.

So, when you get on the computer ,tell me what you think.. And I really did believe your advice ( No Doubting TOMMY this time ), but it just took awhile to make its way into this thick Irish head of mine. But I am "secretly" glad you never gave up on me....

Hope to hear from you soon....

( A changing Me )

Kinda-Unwell

I LOVE YOU, big man!

Seriously though, Kinda - why not? You have absolutely nothing to lose? (And everything to gain?) I assume you checked with your "pain doctor" about cutting the benzos? But - I think you reckoned you were not yet hooked on them? But - for goodness sake - dont just stop if you have been using long term - or you may have seizures and other dreadful withdrawal symptoms. But - if you get the all clear from your doc - then great! Go for it!
Took me 7 months to taper off benzos and then I c/t off the opiates. It is not a wonderful experience - but a magnificent one to get behind you! You will have to be prepared for a few rugged days with little or absolutely no sleep (I know you will feel hellish) ............ but then - just when you think you cant take anymore (I found it almost intolerable) and will just try "something" again to ease the pain................ sleep starts to come. (When you feel like this - just tell yourself you will give it one more night) A couple of tortuous hours the first night or two - then you get hope and confidence that the old brain is actually healing............. suddenly one morning you wake up and realise you have slept for 4 or 5 hours................ and then you are away............the sky is the limit!
I just cannot tell you how "high" you can get on sleep and feeling good! Its unlike anything else!! Do you remember that feeling of waking in the morning - fresh, clear headed, ready to face the day and all its challenges....... and more? Again - a "master of the Universe"?

Keep focused on the task in hand, my blue eyed hero!

Looking forward to hearing how you are getting on! Dont give up - the prize is yours for the taking now.

yer Lass

ps - the most unhelpful phrase ever said to me during my battle for sleep was "no-one ever died of lack of sleep!" LOL.

kindaunwell
01-23-2004, 06:16 AM
HI ya, Me Lass... I didn't think I was gonna hear from you today. You usually post to me much earlier. I bet you probably over-slept (Like 10 or 11 hours), just to rub it in my face, huh. LOL !!! Well It began yesterday, not one type of pill entered my body. Of course that also means I haven't slept either.... I figured what the heck, the Ativan wasn't working for me anymore, no matter what the dose or even when I over-medicated, I didn't like how I felt the next day. The next step would have been to go on to Halcion (SP.), and I know that is really heavy-duty stuff. And besides, like you said, I just want to get back to "normal" . Athough I haven't been normal most of my life.....

So you see ,all that persistent "advice" (Irish woman's nagging ! LOL!!) you have been giving me finally paid off. I'll always be grateful to you yinksy for constantly being there for me.... But like you said ,I guess I should give the Pain Doc a call and make sure I can just plain stop taking everything.

Did you read my good morning post to you. ??? I'm due to have a blood test in alittle while, to see if my thyroid and other thing are alright. The Pain Doc just doesn't understand why I develope such a quick tolerance to all these pills. Opiates and Benzos.???

If you are still about give me a buzz back,okay.??? Hey, by the way, you never made any mention of that quote from Perry French about those Mournes mountain you once mentioned to me.(????)

Kinda-Unwell

yinksy
01-23-2004, 06:41 AM
Hello Kinda

No - didnt oversleep this morning - but I did have a wonderful 7 hours straight (LOL) - but I have 2 of my kids here today - staying over - so I am doing all those motherly things - ie - mostly cooking!
Glad to hear you are on course.
A little warning about the thyroid etc - apparently it is very common to be diagnosced with thyroid problems while on benzos. Might be worth your reading up on it online in the Ashton Manual (just type Ashton Manual into google - tis available online)? I refused to have any tests carried out (my doc was mad!) while tapering -and now that I am off and clear - I dont now seem to have any symptoms that merit my having tests.
Good on you Kinda - stick with this? Its going to be tough for a wee while - but sooner that you think it will all start to come right. But only now that you have decided to do without all the chemicals (incl all suggestions of other sleep aids like remeron or trazodone etc. Halcion is now banned in the UK!) - taking any chemical will just put off your recovery I am totally sure.

Hah - those Mountains of Mourne - or as a friend once put it - those "bum shaped hills of Antrim"

yer Lass

rosietee
01-23-2004, 11:22 AM
Hey, Rosie, How are you doing in that nice So. Cal. weather ???. I hate the cold with a terrible passion. And it seems this NYC cold spell is never going to end... Whenever I go out , I have so many layers on me,hats and gloves, long johns, 800 gram insulated boots,and a scarf , I must look like "NaNook" from the north of Alaska. LOL!!!. But I don't care as long as it keeps me warm....

Anyway,I just wanted to see if you were awake and on the Board. If so , give me back a buzz, and let me know whats new with you, okay.....

( A change in medication !!!)

Kinda-Unwell

Hey, sorry I didn't get back to you last night--I lucked out and my doc approved my ambien refill! But that was kind of bad, because I slept through my taper schedule and now I am off. I need to get some immodium for those mornings; I was tearing through the medicine cabinet and couldn't find any, so I had to take extra meds. I will make up for it today, though. I was talking on another post about a party I am throwing tonight (one of those monthly things where you take turns and now it's mine, egads) so I am going to go and try to get ready for that and not take extra (I always think I'll be extra fun if I do, but eventually, it doesn't work out that way). When I was getting through my eating disorder, which involved changing my way of thinking and living entirely, I would ask myself, "Where has this ever gotten me in the long run?" The answer was nowhere but down.

thinking of you, luv ya,
gotta go
rosie

yinksy
01-23-2004, 02:18 PM
Tommy,

I am just about to go off for an early night now - but just want to wish you all the best. Have you managed to stear clear of all temptations today? Well - at least the chemical ones? That would be wonderful to hear.
Let me know how its going - no matter what?
I have a busy morning tomorrow - I am selling several windsurfing/surfing rigs/boards - someone travelling a long way to buy - so wont be on the board in the morning. But if you would leave a note as to how its all going?

Well - I was inspired by you tonight! Had several members of the family to dinner this evening - couldnt think what to cook - so - decided on a wee bit of Irish stew and dumplings! Oh boy - was very very good - everyone raved about it! Can you imagine - the melting lamb, chunks of spuds, carrots, leeks......... topped by crispy herby dumplings?
For dessert - the boys (my sons + their father!!) got out their guitars and sang Clancy Bros songs........ from Carrickfergus to the Irish Rover. ha ha ha ha
wot a laugh we all had! All your fault!

Eyes on the prize, Kinda................. you will get there......... and sooner than you think

yer Lass

kindaunwell
01-23-2004, 04:02 PM
well, yinksy, me Lass I guess you can call tonight, day 2, of no benzos. My mind feels like I can do Calculus in my head, Thats how wide awake I feel. I called the Pain doc, and he told me I could just stop taking everything (Including the Ativan ). I then went to my primary care doc, and he did a blood test for various things like thyroid, liver, whatever. He did a ekg for my heart,and it came out fine (although I was quite surprised I still had one),chest x-ray was good, blood pressure was slightly below normal, but he said that was good,saying I was a very calm man. He wished me luck ,and said the insomnia should only last afew weeks, as long as I don't take anything else, which I am not. !!!

He also wrote me another script for afew more weeks of physical therapy. I am an Irish pessimist, so I won't slap myself on my back ,until I am sleeping normally again.

So you sell surf boards for a living, huh ???. Now don't try and tell me you are known around town as "The Big Kahoona", while you are riding the the waves, and "Hanging Ten".LOL!!! You must of been a big fan of Hawaii five-o !!

If those Buyers of yours are English, make sure you sell them the boards with the holes in them. LOL!!! Really though, I hope your deal goes well for you.....


Take Good Care, yinksy

(A different side of me)

kinda-unwell

rosietee
01-23-2004, 04:33 PM
Kinda,
I am really busy right now, but dropped into to read the latest, and had to tell you your post made me really really happy (for you) and inspired. You are doing great. We have to remember the bad stuff to get somewhere good. (Kind of like learning history so that it won't repeat itself?)

As always, Yinsky, you inspire me too. You should get paid for writing.

outta here,
rose

kindaunwell
01-23-2004, 09:15 PM
Well, its Midnight again. Time for me and the "Grave-Yard" shift to begin....

In the words of Pink Floyd "Is there anybody out there""...
It gonna be another no-sleep night for me, so I would appreciate the company.... This is day 2 of absolutely no pills of any kind for me....The insomnia will last about 3 or 4 weeks, according to both my doctors. !!!

So, come on, lets get some new people on this shift. You name the subject ,and I'll either listen to yer, or do the talking.. I know I can't be the only one awake at this time, so post back people......

(A different kind of me...)

Kinda-Unwell

BadAttitude
01-24-2004, 12:36 AM
Good Morning, BadAttitude

Yes I am still awake and will be for quite awhile longer. I have a doctors appt. at around 11:30. They are gonna give me a blood test to check on my thyroids and liver and whatever else they check for. The Pain Doc wants this done. He doesn't understand why my body creates so fast a tolerence to all the medications I have taken. After 2 or 3 days the medications seem to lose affect on me, and either they have to be raised or completely changed.

But I decieded last night not to take any medication at all. Includings the Ativan or any thing else. I will let my insomnia will cure itself naturally. So I guess I won't be doing much sleeping for quite awhile...

Don't you have an appt. (FOR your daughter), at around 9:00 today. ??? If I don't hear right back from you , I guess thats where you are. If so, Buzz me when you get back....

Take Good Care, Autumn

KInda-Unwell

OH yea, the posts I thought you might have better knowledge of than most of us are---"Confiding in your doctor about your addiction" by John 3:16...... And also "Could use some advise on how to tell my doctor" by Creeky.

They are not too far down the Board... Tell me what you think,okay ???.

see ya.....

Hi, Kinda
Well I am a bid late getting on here but thought that I would check on you to see how you were doing. I am so happy and so proud of you for quitting taking everything. :bouncing:
I read your other post to Rosie and to John 3:16 and I am so proud of you and yes, the insomnia cure itself naturally if you give you body time to adjust. After all the meds that you have put in it will take a while for you body to cleanse itself of everything to no if it is going or comming.
Kinda, you are a good person and you deserve a good life and I am so proud of you for finally getting on the right track.
Well I don't see you online right know and the last post that I seen from you was at 12:15 I think so I hope that you are sleeping, I crashed after getting back from my daughter appointment today and hit the bed about 11:00 a.m. and my husband woke me up with coffee about 7:30 p.m. boy I was dead to the world.
Well I will talk to you again later my friend, take care

Love & Happiness~Autumn~

kindaunwell
01-24-2004, 01:33 AM
Hi, autumn, are you still on the Board??? Wow, can't believe this ,but I am having some slight W/D's feelings ,right now. A real bad headache ,stomach cramps and chills and shaking.... Tried to sleep,but was awaken 1 hour later with these feelings. even all my teeth hurt. Boy I haven't had these feelings in a long time....

see ya


Kinda - unwell

BadAttitude
01-24-2004, 01:39 AM
Hi, autumn, are you still on the Board??? Wow, can't believe this ,but I am having some slight W/D's feelings ,right now. A real bad headache ,stomach cramps and chills and shaking.... Tried to sleep,but was awaken 1 hour later with these feelings. even all my teeth hurt. Boy I haven't had these feelings in a long time....

see ya


Kinda - unwell

Hi, Kinda
Yes, I am still on the board. Yes, I can beleive that you are having withdrawals, can you or do you drink coffee, as that will help some with the headache and you can take over the counter for the cramps and if you get diarrhea and a good warm blanket on the couch will help with the chills.
I can relate as I can and always will remember my dt's as long as I live, the pain was worse then child birth.
I am on and will be for a while so write back and please don't take anything go throught the withdrawals and make it throught this.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

John 808
01-24-2004, 01:50 AM
Kinda,

You hang in there! I know 3-4 weeks sounds like an eternity....

Can you or have you tried Melatonin? It is all natural and you can get it at a health food store....it stimulates the brains production of the "sleep hormone...." or something like that. It has helped me before!

Well, my husband is at duck camp....hunting....so I can't sleep that great!

I'll try to "catch ya" if you post back! Go drink some warm milk (yuck)! :)

Michelle

kindaunwell
01-24-2004, 01:50 AM
boy am i glad yuu are there. Man,i thought i was gonna sneak by without these feeling, and yes ,i remember how to deal with these feelings, but they still suck.iam on couch with covers on me and still shaking, ii will ride it out, iamcan't believe this!!!!

BadAttitude
01-24-2004, 01:55 AM
boy am i glad yuu are there. Man,i thought i was gonna sneak by without these feeling, and yes ,i remember how to deal with these feelings, but they still suck.iam on couch with covers on me and still shaking, ii will ride it out, iamcan't believe this!!!!

Yup, I am still here, I am sorry about the withdrawals but one good thing about withdrawals is that they help us remember what comming off the alcohol/drugs was like. Yeah, I new you remembered what to do for the withdrawals but just a friendly reminder and to let you know I care and how proud I am of you.
And yes, withdrawals do suck, I agree there.

Write back I will still be here for a while.

~Autumn~

kindaunwell
01-24-2004, 02:06 AM
ireally iwon't take them, but i stii got a closet full of pill i am testing myself, yeah u r right ,u don't forget these feelig no matter how long ago but i aint no wuss iamjust wanting to explain my self.

BadAttitude
01-24-2004, 02:10 AM
ireally iwon't take them, but i stii got a closet full of pill i am testing myself, yeah u r right ,u don't forget these feelig no matter how long ago but i aint no wuss iamjust wanting to explain my self.

Kinda,
I no that you aren't a wuss, it takes a strong person to go throgh withdrawals not a wuss and you don't have to explain your self. If it helps talk to me for a while I will stay up for a while so that we can talk, ok.
You can get throught this and on to a better life.

~Autumn~

kindaunwell
01-24-2004, 02:25 AM
thanks autumn
damm,, herecmne the hot flashes.....do u think i can take tylenolor nothimg my head is splittingm open.i wont curse on board but ifeellike it. i dident feel that bad awhile ago. i been hearing everone man going thru there w/d on this board, iguess its my turn noe,huh //????damm ami repeatiing myself....

BadAttitude
01-24-2004, 02:31 AM
yes, tyenol would be ok for the headaches and maybe a cool cloth on you head would help to. yes I am sorry to say it but it is your turn my friend to go through withdrawals, but if anyone can do it I am sure that you can make it through it, you are a strong person.
Take some tyenol and see if it helps your headache, I will stay around for a little while and talk to you.
Your friend,
~Autumn~

kindaunwell
01-24-2004, 02:42 AM
no idont want to keep you up, i shuld just shut up and takr like a man on my own. i know im gonnaget by this ,its time forv u to goto sleep. i can pay the price . i wonder if itsthe ativan???? u go get some sleep

BadAttitude
01-24-2004, 02:47 AM
no idont want to keep you up, i shuld just shut up and takr like a man on my own. i know im gonnaget by this ,its time forv u to goto sleep. i can pay the price . i wonder if itsthe ativan???? u go get some sleep
Kinda,
I would say that it is the ativen that is giving you the trouble. Yes, I know that you can take it like a man that's not the point it's nice to have someone to talk to when you need someone.
And yes, I know that you will get through this, I know in my heart that you will.
Ok, I will go and get some sleep if you promise before you go off line to leave and update for me to know how you are ok, as you are my freind and I am very proud of what you are doing and I want to know how you are ok?
take care my, friend
~Autumn~

kindaunwell
01-24-2004, 02:57 AM
thanks for talking when i just wanted to im okay `.iam just gonna lay here while.... i'll talk to usoon ,thans again.....

BadAttitude
01-24-2004, 03:02 AM
thanks for talking when i just wanted to im okay `.iam just gonna lay here while.... i'll talk to usoon ,thans again.....


Your welcome kinda, try to get some rest and take care my friend, I am going to try to get some rest to but will check on you later. Stay strong my friend.
~Autumn~

yinksy
01-24-2004, 05:04 AM
Hiya Nae Nookie of the North!

So - big man - how's it going today? Have read your posts about withdrawals. Have you made absolutely certain that you can just stop the ativan dead? Ashton says you can be addicted to it after only 4 weeks use - so take care. But - sounded as though you had only been using for a couple of weeks? Just make absolutely sure - you have heard me go on and on about the dangers of abrupt cessation of benzos. While you are lying there on the couch all night - why not go and read the Ashton Manual - its online - you will find out all you need to know about the withdrawal symptoms there. She is an incredibly source of info on this subject. She is such a pioneer - she is now recognised as a world expert and is highly thought of in the UK - but medics in the US seem to be soooooooooo very badly informed - mind you - I know doctors run their practices as businesses in the US (not so in UK with our NHS) - so the fact that it is very very lucrative for the pharmas - to sell benzos - especially klonopin, ativan and the winner by miles...... xanax!!! Valium makes no profit - strange this it is so difficult to get in the US for people wishing to taper? Call me a cynic? Yep - that's me! If you have been on for several months then you might have to consider tapering?
Anyway - given that you are safe to just stop - yes - you are having benzo withdrawals - horrible flu like symptoms. But - they will not last long - a few days I reckon - and during this time - try not to drink coffee and other stimulants, keep sugar at a low too as it helps in production of adrenaline (norephedrine) which is what makes you able to do calculus all night!!!! Your brain has some adjustments to make re its neurotransmitters etc and it cant do this in 24 hours. But, me Lad, I dont think it will be anything like weeks before you are thro the worst of this and starting to sleep. I would bet that by this time next week you will be feeling a lot better and sleep will have begun for you. Obviously I dont know you personally and I am not a medic - so this is just a calculated guess - but just basing it on my own experience and that of others in the same benzo boat................ Dont think in terms of weeks. Think for just today. If you get thro today - then tomorrow will look after itself? Have you heard of chamomile tea? I gather its called "sleepy time tea" in the US? Drink this instead of coffee - it has a calming effect. Takes a bit of getting used to. But I drink it a lot now and find it does really seem to help with sleep! Another aid is warm milk just before you turn in. But at this point in time - you are just going to have to bear the discomfort for a while ........... And - as I have said before - you will get to the stage where you think - blow this - its just all too much.............. (dont give in at this point whatever you do! Tis Lucifer himself on your shoulder!!)...... you are then at a turning point....... and you will very slowy start to improve.
Maybe too you should think of giving up your graveyard shift - start regularising going to bed at a regular set time each night - even if you dont immediately start to sleep - it will come. Habit is so important for sleep.
Lots of exercise too......... walk and walk and walk if you can - motivation is hard but it is the best thing you can do......... followed by hot hot baths! Then do it all again. Physical exercise I know is no stranger to you - so step it up now. I know you've been in the forces so I know you will have it in you to discipline yourself to do this if you chose to.

Good luck my valiant celt - you are surely on your way now to Utopia. See u there in a few days?

Thinking of you (might even say a wee prayer for you!!!! God will get such a shock - might even listen???)

Eyes on the prize!

yer Lass

John 808
01-24-2004, 06:27 AM
Just checking on you this morning, Kinda.

Are you okay? Did you sleep any?

You should have been at my house watching "Gone with the Wind" with me- my husband is duck hunting and I couldn't sleep either....nothing like watching Scarlett and Rhett when you have insomnia! :)

Let me know how you are- I am worried about you,
Michelle

kindaunwell
01-24-2004, 09:03 AM
Hi, michelle. I took two tylenol "ONLY"(!!!)and had a fitful kind of sleep this morning. thesweets and chills and body aches. At the tylenol made my head ache better. I'still feeling the the same condition, but alittle less. Man igot mad at myself for that happening to me. iam use to reeading about evrryoneelse going thru w/d, not me !!!! i wean down off the klonopin and xanax last time and i didn'tt feel athingits been quite awhile since i've had these types of feelings. but i wanted to say thnks to you,bad attitude and yinksy for just talking with me. iwaslike in shock for not expecting these to happen to me... damm, i hate this feelings.....

(feeling likereally)

kinda-unwell


this day 3 i think ?????
)

yinksy
01-24-2004, 09:11 AM
Hi, michelle. I took two tylenol "ONLY"(!!!)and had a fitful kind of sleep this morning. thesweets and chills and body aches. At the tylenol made my head ache better. I'still feeling the the same condition, but alittle less. Man igot mad at myself for that happening to me. iam use to reeading about evrryoneelse going thru w/d, not me !!!! i wean down off the klonopin and xanax last time and i didn'tt feel athingits been quite awhile since i've had these types of feelings. but i wanted to say thnks to you,bad attitude and yinksy for just talking with me. iwaslike in shock for not expecting these to happen to me... damm, i hate this feelings.....

(feeling likereally)

kinda-unwell


this day 3 i think ?????
)

Stick with it Kinda? There isnt really a choice now is there? Things will stay like this only for a bit longer surely? Lots of exercise and lots of things to do (to keep your mind off the withdrawals)? Its really such a short time for all the benefits you are going to reap? I walked and walked and walked.............. I used to be 6 ft tall ........ now I'm down to 5 ft! But - it was worth every inch! LOL

yer Lass

kindaunwell
01-24-2004, 09:45 AM
you r too funny.yinksy. you made me laugh andnow my headackesveven more lol...i was about to write you to saythanks to too for yourpost. these w/d aintas bad as most of the otherpeople w/d and i will gets over them realsoon. all the shaking makes my headhurt even more, but iwon't take any more pills. allkinds of them are still in our med cabinete. iam tempted, but i know i won.'t touch them. iam going to beat this withthe temtation staring me right in my face. when i beat this thats when i will flush everything down in the toilet. did you sell those englishmen thr crooked surft boards lol!!! what lousy satuday, i am glad i don'thave to do anythigh. my wife is mad at me again, she thikes i am still taking the other drugs. se just doednst understand is all.

kinda-unwell

kindaunwell
01-24-2004, 09:59 AM
hi,badattitude. same symtoms, just allittle less iam sorry i kepy u up last night, it helped yo talk with you. you are soo nice....ihav alot o shaking going on(elvis, right lol) but iwill get feelin better soon...thanks again......

(shake and bake lol!!)

truely,,,, Kidna-unwe)ll

rosietee
01-24-2004, 12:38 PM
Kinda, listen to yinsky. I had a seizure at my office in 1998. It can really happen! Thank god I wasn't driving. Had to go on anti-epileptic meds to get my license back, because they couldn't determine for sure what the cause was.

thinking of you,
rose

lisaaahubb
01-24-2004, 01:16 PM
Hey kinda....i just wanted to let you know that i have been following your posts...of course i don't read them til about 5 a.m....but i hope you are feeling better. It totally sucks to be blind-sided by w/d's....I agree with what someone else posted by maybe considering going to bed around midnight. I guess time heals all wounds....or so they say. Well hang in there and i hope your wife isn't mad at you anymore, sounds like you need some TLC!!!! I'll check back later...
LISA

kindaunwell
01-24-2004, 03:06 PM
hey, there, nice young
pretty ladies... let me
start off dy thanking you for your kind words. they help me more then,you underdsand... I was told by 2 doctors that I shouldn'tof had any with drawalwals . so I was quite taken aback when I woke up feeling and had a terrible scare when i felt susch symtommes (classic) such as very bad stomach pains( it hurt like hell just to move around, My head ache, and exspecially the chills and shakings)n and then I could see what my spelling looked like. So many miatakes, I was surprised any one could read them . I am making alot of writting mistakes right now, but i am triing to correcting them, but it is taking a long time just to write this far. I wish there was a webtv you could just say the words and they would automatically be written down for you...

Anyway, I do feel I am getting better, exceft for the mental things.But I wasn't that smart to,begin with, so no big loss there LOL !!! And the MAIN THING is I havn't taken anything excepy Tylenol, so I am keeping my "EYES on the PRIZE" like a friend once told me to do....
Hey ginksy, badsttitude. michelle, Rosie and everyone else try posting back... I am wide awake now!

Has any one but me notice that there have been somthing like 2,500 viewers, but it seems that there are only 5 or 6 of us that actually talk to each other.?????
Is that like a record or something.?? Why do you suppose no one else will talk to us here.???
( feeling Stupid and )

Kinda-unwell

rosietee
01-24-2004, 03:26 PM
Kinda, you are not stupid, and yes, I have noticed that like a kazillion people are reading this thread. Seems like it has just turned into a "miscellaneous" place to vent when you don't feel like starting a new thread. It's also fun to read the banter between you and yinsky.

Speaking of not feeling like starting a new thread, though I should, but just want to vent . . . I am having a not so good day, woke up with the sinus headache from hell--a 10 on the pain scale--and took extra meds. The headaches are how I got started in this mess in the first place. I am going to try to pick back up on my taper, but will have to look at a solution to my headaches, probably surgery, unless I just want to take sudafed and antibiotics every day for the rest of my life.

Don't know if anyone read this, but feel better getting it out.

I am really proud of how well you are doing kinda. Hearing you and michelle stick with it through withdrawals really motivates me. If I let myself suffer, then I feel like you guys will be proud of me too, so I am going to try harder, and like having a place where people understand. I know I will have to suffer to get through this!

rosie

lisaaahubb
01-24-2004, 04:13 PM
Hey Kinda....so glad you are feeling better...bored out of my mind on this wonderful Saturday evening....hubby is already in his p.j.s so there is no hope of going out tonight!!!! I take xanax at night and for anxiety when needed and this ***** really scares me when i hear that w/d from benzo is WORSE than opiate w/d.... well my doc thinks that i need to be on it for the long haul so i don't think i will be quitting them anytime soon. As for pain pills....it is always a struggle for me to maintain sobriety....i always get the "blahs" when i quit which inevitably drives me right back to square one...PERCOCETS such a crappy cycle. Oh well......any good plans for the weekend??????? Nothing over here. Tomorrow night into TUESDAY morning we are supposedly going to have a huge snow storm. I wish we had a snow mobile, only a quad which i am not that good at riding cuz it's not an automatic. Well glad you are feeling better!!!!!
LISA