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lifechange
10-13-2004, 02:02 PM
Hi There,
I have realized that if I am not doing Ativan and drinking, I am smoking pot and drinking. I used to be a cocaine addict, but I have been clean for 10 years from that. Instead I drink and not daily. I go on benders...I black out and when I do, I do and say awful things to my boyfriend. He has warned me not to drink and not to behave aggressively anymore...told me one more time and he is gone. Well....Sunday I did it again. I am a flight attendant, got home and was upset because my man was out with his friends ( we don't live together)...he sort of rejected me telling me he would see me tomorrow, and I was upset because he had been doing E the night before and seemed to find it more important to be with his group of friends. So, Imy feelings of rejection came out. I went out and got drunk ( blind drunk ). I got home and tried to call him and his phone was off, so I called again and again. Finally, I took a cab to his apartment and buzzed his buzzer, he let me in and then when I knocked ( he did not know it was me he just let me in the building ) he screamed from behind the door F Off . I was shocked he screamed that to me as I had not started up yet. But.... I kicked the door, then he let me in and I went in for a minute and left. I don't remember getting home. But I do remember leaving horrible messages on his answering machine...threats and abuse. I said diabolical things. I took gravol to pass out and the next day felt awful. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I feel my whole world has caved in. He never called me and has not since. I am devestated and I know that I have lost him due to my behaviour. I don't know what to do. I need help and I want to say sorry to him, even if he does not forgive me. Can anyone help me at all. I live in Toronto, is there any AA or something I can do...I feel so ashamed, evil and mean. I am a nice girl when I am not wasted but I get so angry and mean when I get drunk. I hate myself and I what I have become. Please any advice

dentalnitemare
10-13-2004, 09:25 PM
check your phone book,and local newspaper for AA info.I hope things get better for you.If you beat a cocaine addiction you can beat this too.Hold your head up high and take each day one at a time.Good Luck...
Kristy

bluejulie5
10-14-2004, 07:40 AM
HI
If your boyfriend loves you, he will understand that this behavior is not "YOU"
it is the addiction, right?
Explain it to him, if you have not already.
Like the above poster says, get help from AA meetings,got to a dr. or therapist.
I really hope you are doing better, please let us know how you are.
It will get better!!!!! Hang in there.

rockingham
10-14-2004, 10:34 AM
for lifechange,

im an alcoholic. say it out loud to yourself a few times. how did it make you feel?

i understand your regret and shame. and the self loathing. alcoholism has taken things from you. self esteem and respect are the two most important i suspect. i bet if i asked you why you drink you dont even have an answer for it. you are probably scared of the future as well, of whats going to happen to you. i was when i stopped using. your recovery will take a long time. it begins with one small babystep in the right direction. for me the first step was to try and figure out where to begin, to make a plan for the starting point of my recovery. we know we need help but along with that doesnt come a magicbook with the answers to our problems. a plan should be simple. in the beginning we dont know what to do yet but you only need one idea to start working on your recovery. it could be attending your first AA meeting or making an appointment with a substance abuse counselor or expanding on what you have begun here with our message board. it can be anything. the most important thing is to give yourself direction. the answers will come in due time.

forgive yourself lifechange. it is so important to your recovery.

lifechange
10-14-2004, 12:49 PM
Rockingham and Julie, thank you so much for your responses. Julie I cried when I read your write my boyfriend loves me. Yes he does, but he refuses to even call me back. I left a message last night and I told him that I am asking God for miracles and one of those would be to speak to him, even if it meant it was the last time we would talk...he never called me back. I think he loved me, but loathes me now. I am so sad that I have lost him and all due to my drinking and my verbal abuse. My father is an alcoholic and so was my mom...she started drinking late in life and she abused my dad too...the same way...the same pattern. I am so scared because I have become her. Dad still drinks every day, 7 days a week. I am a binger...I go to work always sober and can stay sober for weeks but then off I go. I did call AA there is a meeting next Tuesday around the corner from me, but I am leaving tomorrow for Rome and will not be back until Wednesday. I know one thing 4 sure...I need help and I need a hug...I hate myself for causing my boyfreind such pain in his life and his heart and I pray that God will one day enable him to forgive me for my ways. Take care, I will let you know how things are working out for me.

goodsoul
10-27-2004, 11:50 PM
Hi Lifechange,

Firstly,Thank you for your reply to my issue - really appreciate it.As you know, I am in a similar situation to yourself. Now I've been clean for 3 weeks, it is becoming so much clearer. People in your life who aren't addicts can't ever truly understand and in some respects shouldn't need to, as it is our responsibility to manage ourselves. Yes, it is very hard,however the rewards of getting through it are so worth it.It seems like me, you were getting paranoid over him seeing someone else, I did too and couldn't understand that what I wasn't admitting was I was losing him,due to my behaviour, as is probably what the case is with you.Denial can be very cunning, where we don't take credit for our disease pushing people away.
You need to PROVE to him you are serious about recovery and I recommend you write him a letter as speaking may be too hard for him right now. If the love is meant to be, it will be.You only have power over your actions, and I reckon the best thing to do in the meantime is to contact him via letter, email or text, where you are not in his face. He's probably expecting contact with you to be too draining at the moment. Give him space to calm down, if the love is true, you will have a chance to speak again eventually. In the meantime, work on you and the person who you want to be. Believe in yourself, you must ! you can do it !! Good luck honey, I know you are hurting and I truly hope it all works out for you. Please let me know how you get on.

Gianna2
10-28-2004, 04:35 AM
Lifechange,

I hope that you are still reading these boards and will get this post.

Admitting that you have a problem, and that you're behavior is causing other people pain is a HUGE and critically important first step. And as you probably realize by now, your boyfriend isn't the only one that you are causing pain.....everyone you come in contact with while under the influence is affected...Including YOURSELF!!

I am speaking from the point of view of an Al-Anon member so I can just imagine the torment that your boyfriend has been going through unless of course he has taken steps to help himself! AA is a wonderful program. I've gone to almost as many AA meetings as my boyfriend. I've also attended Al-Anon. Guess what? By me going to AA meetings I am now questioning whether or not I might be alcoholic as well. Through reading Al-Anon literature and following the 12 step program I had to realize some things about myself. Admitting the truth is not always easy, but, if you are honest with yourself, only then can you make changes and better choices for yourself. When you make better choices for yourself, it can't help but reflect on others as well. If you don't know how to be honest with yourself yet, that's ok....go to AA meetings and keep going. The things you will be exposed to and the new thoughts that enter your mind will probably amaze you.

Tell your boyfriend that you are serious about getting help, and ask him if he would like to join you at some open AA meetings. Some of the best AA mtgs. I have found are speaker and speaker/discussion meetings. That way your boyfriend can hear from others first hand of the torment that the alcoholic goes through and the insanity of the disease. Yes, it is a disease!

Make sure though that you attend enough AA mtgs. by yourself so that you don't feel inhibited from speaking when you choose to do so.

Additionally, suggest to your boyfriend that he attend Al-Anon meetings. Suggest that he purchase the books that the program offers and read them. But remember, you can only suggest. It is not your responsibility to make him do these things, just as it's not his responsibility to make sure you attend AA.

You are on the right track. Here are more suggestions: reach out to people at AA, get a sponser...someone in the program that has what you want. It may be someone with a lot of time in the program, someone that you identify with, someone that speaks to you in a special way. The choice is entirely up to you. Call people in between meetings. When you travel, look up on line the different locations that you will be going to and find AA meetings there. AA is international and AA always welcomes people from all different locations. Don't think that because you just visiting an area that you can't attend that particular meeting. Your goal will hopefully be to attend a meeting every day for at least the first 90 days.

If I have sounded like I was telling you what to do, I'm sorry. I really meant to suggest. See, this is something that I need to work on too. And now that I'm aware of it, I can work on it.

Also, the program has nothing to do with perfection, but rather progress. Take small steps each day. If you make a mistake, ask yourself why, and what have I learned from it, dust yourself off, and begin again.

Please keep in touch with us and let us know your progress.



To Goodsoul:

From your post: "It seems like me, you were getting paranoid over him seeing someone else, I did too and couldn't understand that what I wasn't admitting was I was losing him,due to my behaviour, as is probably what the case is with you.Denial can be very cunning, where we don't take credit for our disease pushing people away."

This is exactly what I have encountered with my boyfriend. He had about 100 days sobriety. Then the more I got involved in the program and began making changes in myself, stopped confronting him on his behavior and accepted that "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it" I guess somehow these changes in me added to an insecurity that he has either always had, or just recently developed. I wasn't cold to him, I was very loving and kind, but, made it clear that if he wanted to speak to me, do it sober. Every man I spoke with about the program was a man that he accused me of sleeping with or wanting to sleep with. I'm assuming that this is a characteristic of the disease. (Don't get me wrong, I spoke with many women too, but as a woman, sometimes speaking to a man I can get a different perspective; maybe more clarification how it affects a man so that I can understand my boyfriend better).

If you don't mind sharing and if it's not too personal, I'm wondering if you would explain how you felt (re: jealousy wise) and if this was an insecurity that already existed in you, or, if it was just the fact that you couldn't admit to yourself that the disease is what you feared was driving him away.

Gosh, I hope that didn't sound judgemental or negative. I didn't mean for it to sound that way. Again, yet another example of work that I need to do on myself.

Good luck to you and congratulations on your progress.

Hugs and best wishes to you both,


Gianna