PDA

View Full Version : Need encouragement/support


christianmom
10-30-2004, 12:12 PM
Ok all, I'm going to CT it again. I have to. Yes, I'm in real pain, and yes..I'm prescribed pain medication by my doctor...BUT, I HAVE to stop. I have no control over ME. I would eat them like candy if my husband didn't keep them and give them to me only when I need them (and even then, I take more than what I'm prescribed). I'm taking 10-15 Norco's daily...and this is where I've been everytime I've went cold turkey, so I know it's possible. I'm just SO scared this time for some reason. I've done this a few times over the past two years...the longest I've been on them is 3-4 months..the shortest~ a month. It really doesn't matter though, it seems as if the withdrawal is just as bad no matter how long I've taken them. The one and only time I didn't have a real hard time going off of them is when I had a few Ultracet samples, and I used them during the withdrawals (I don't know if it was the Ultracet, the grace of God, or what..but I experienced very MINIMAL withdrawal symptoms that time around..and I had been taking 10,15, sometimes even more a day of the Norco for about a month). I've now been on the Norcos for close to 2 months, and I do have a script for Ultracet, so I'm wondering if I should use them to help me through it all (I HATE the Ultracet, hate the way it makes me feel, etc...so I'm not too worried about taking it more than a couple of days..I would only take it to get me through the really rough days). I have been blessed with a WONDERFUL, AWESOME opportunity in a few months (I wish I could be more specific, but I just can't right now), but I HAVE to be off of the pain medication....for no other reason than the massive guilt I feel for taking it the way I take it. That leads me to my biggest problem right now....GUILT. I feel full of massive shame and guilt..due to taking this medication in excess, and knowing that I have NO control over it. I honestly don't know what I'll do about the legitimate pain issues I face without it, but at this point...I don't care...I just want to stop NOW. Please...any encouraging words, any and all support, etc. would be so appreciated...Yes, I know that I need further help to KEEP me off of it, but first...I have to GET off of it. Just remind me that the worst will be over in 4-5 days...and that I can do this. I don't know what day exactly I will start this (as you all know, I have 5 kids, so I have to make arrangements to be "sick" for a week or so), but it will be SOON. I have SO much to live for, and as I said above...I have this ONCE IN A LIFETIME opportunity that I refuse to mess up because of my desire to "feel good" all of the time. I'm just so freakin' scared of the withdrawals...I've done it before, so I know I can do it again..but I really need all of you to keep me positive, and to remind me that I can and will get through it all.

I'll post again soon and let you all know when I decide to do this...it will be soon, I promise. Thank you for always being so encouraging and supportive...I really hold a special place in my heart for each and everyone of you.

lisaaahubb
10-30-2004, 02:14 PM
Hey Christianmom...hang in there, o.k.???? You know what you gotta do, just get it over with. Comtemplating "quitting" will only make you MORE guilty and depressed. W/d is better if you are busy, i never believed people when they used to say that, but it is very true. The more you can move around and walk or even work-out....the easier the w/d. Go into this with a positive attitude. It will help so much. I say YES to the ultracet for a couple of days,but be careful with them because i heard in higher doses it causes seizures.... :eek: I would do them til about day 4 then you should be having very minimal symptoms. Just BE POSITIVE, pray, get as much exercise as you can...and try to eat good food. I am out here in cyber-space thinking about you....hang in there
luv,
LISA
HAPPY HALLOWEEN :) :) :)

christianmom
10-30-2004, 02:24 PM
Lisa,

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I truly agree with everything you just said. You know it is so funny how all of this works...I'm very "weird" about posting here (as I mention all of the time), and everytime I come back to edit one of my posts, or to delete it..I instantly get a message from someone that erases that desire to edit my post. I was going to edit my post and just simply say, "please keep me in your thoughts & prayers" and leave it at that..instead of all the details I gave. BUT...because I came on here (when I first came on, I had no replies...I read one post above mine, then all of the sudden I had a post from you!) and read your post, once again I'm going to leave my post be. I don't know why I do this, and I don't know what I'm so afraid of posting...but I wish I would stop being this way! I know that the only way I am going to receive support here is to ASK for it, so I need to stop worrying so much about what everyone thinks of me. Anyway, sorry for the ramble...but once again, thank you so much for your reply. I do not intend to put this off much longer at all..in fact, I just want to get through the whole "trick or treating" thing with the kids tomorrow, and then I think I will go for it. Just please keep me in your thoughts and/or prayers...I know in my heart that God will see me through this yet again, but sometimes I wonder why He hasn't given up on me yet. :(

Love ya lots, sister!!!!

marich101
10-30-2004, 03:21 PM
Christianmom,
Calm yourself.... why all the drama? Take a pill.... relax!! Life is too short to do what you are doing to yourself. I've read some of your stuff and I know you suffer from Crohns, my aunt had it and the way I remember it could be a pretty miserable existance at times.
We have some things in common, I too have a pain issue, I take the Norco 10/325 I have to have them doled out to me by my husband like a 3 yr old child, I take too many of them. But I don't normally freak til I'm about to run out. Then my God its why ??why ?? why?? why??
I can't imagine what you have coming up that could possibly put you into such a thitter, but it ain't big enough to do this to you.
I don't mean to sound unkind but you are to nice a person for this or so I think, you give me that impression at least.
You have 5 children don't you want to know whats going on with them, or do you want to be in so much pain that it is all you think of?
Go back and read the last part of that sentence or do you want to be in so much pain that it is all you can think of. Go back and read the last part of that sentence really slow.
Now if I'm out of line here and you think you can go without the pills and still be pleasant to be around then I apologize and I won't bother you again.
And I am not trying to give you an excuse to take them, I know if you need that you'll do it yourself.........if you just take them for the BUZZ!!
But I decided if it takes it for my son not to look back on me as an old grouch who sat around and complained all the time........then by damn I would take them til the cows come home. Yes I like that feeling of not being in excruciating pain and if there is a little bit extra zip well the better for me and the people I love.
I'll probably continue to take too many I don't know what else to do, I've let my husband keep them.........he's tuff but he ain't tuff enough.
CMom, please accept this all from my heart, I've been where you are too many times and I won't do it again, that is how I found this board. And I've learned alot,and I know someone will probably have something to say but thats OK. I'm doing what is right for me and I hope that you can do the same. If you do choose to leave them alone thats Okay too and you have my best.
I keep trying to find a place to stop and this looks pretty good.
My best to you in your choice.
Marilyn

marich101
10-30-2004, 03:33 PM
Oh that sounds so ugly and that was not the way I meant it...........I'm sorry just wanted you to think

christianmom
10-30-2004, 03:49 PM
Marilyn,

I really and truly do appreciate your post, and even more~ I appreciate your complete honesty. I wish I knew why I make such a big, HUGE deal about everything. I think part of it stems from the way I was raised...to my Mom, alcohol, drugs, any kind of medication, etc. was a horrible, awful "no-no". To her, even if a person drank wine, a beer once in awhile, etc..they were going to hell. That was just how she raised us. I'm smart enough now to know that's NOT the case, but it's still had an impact on the way I perceive everything. My husband would be the first person to agree with everything you just wrote....without pain meds., I'm basically an extremely dysfunctional person. I have such severe arthritis due to my disease that I can barely get out of bed in the mornings. Being on the pain pills allows me to function...probably to the point of the "Superwoman" capacity. I guess that's why I feel guilty. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense...but I guess all the energy I get, all the housework I can accomplish, all of the activities I can do with my kids, etc., etc. just seems so "superficial" to me right now. And to be honest, I really don't know what's wrong with that. Yes, Crohn's is an extremely painful medical condition, and I'm not always in pain..only when I have a major flare-up (like right now). I do have to admit that I worry about some of the things you mentioned...if I do go off of the pain meds, I probably WON'T be the Mom I am right now...in fact, I KNOW from experience that I won't be. I AM in a bad mood due to the pain, and I can't function normally...period. BUT...my concern is that I over-do it with the pills. I sneak around trying to find the pills that my husband hides just so I can hide a few myself without him knowing. I beg and plead when he tells me that I've had too many for day..until he finally gives in. That is the part that worries me. BUT....it's not just the "buzz", or the "high" that I'm looking for (although Lord knows, I do love that feeling!)...it's also the pain relief. Sometimes I STILL have pain even after taking so many pain meds.

Anyway, I took no offense at all to your post...and once again, I do appreciate your view on the subject. It does make me think of the "other" aspects of everything. As I said before, if it were up to my husband, I would NOT get off of them simply because he knows how I am (barely functioning) without them. I just wish that I could not obsess about them all day long, that I could take them as prescribed, and that I wouldn't beat myself up over taking them at all!!! Shoot, even if I took 1 or 2 a day I will still be feeling guilty, I guarantee you. I don't know why.....it's just how I've always been. Ok, now it's my turn to "cut myself off"~ haha! Thanks again for your post...I will be doing lots of thinking and contemplating about all of this..and my hubby and I will be having a long talk about it tonight as well.

marich101
10-30-2004, 05:03 PM
Christianmom,
Thank you for not taking that post in a way you could have because it was genuinely meant to be a good thing. Scouts honor!!!!
I think I try and write like I talk and it just don't work and my grammar suffers a bit from mouth to pen as well, or I guess that would sound better as keyboard.
Okay enough silliness.Honey you can't tell me nuthin' about those pills that I haven't done. I tell him little white lies, I tell him someone else needs one I can't get to where he has them hidden it's a safe....with a KEY.... how dare he. It took all the fun out of stealing them, but I still manage. I do sincerely wish you well in which ever direction you decide to take and either way I'm sure you will do what is best for you
And I'll be around every know and again so keep on posting. You seem to be one of the kindest people with everyone you share with you seem to always say the right thing
Later, gotta do the dinner thing
Marilyn

Baseball65
10-30-2004, 07:20 PM
Hey!
I was raised in the quite opposite....atheist,drinking non-judgemental kind of ultra-hipster upbringing and I STILL have the feelings of guilt and superficiality that you speak of. And....just to compound the guilt...I haven't been in pain for 5 years.
I read the groundbreaking and controversial "Healing Back Pain" by Dr. John Sarno,did his 15 minute a day review,and was out of the chronic pain center and playing Baseball again in 3 weeks....a literal MIRACLE.
So,when I became addicted,I've had the compounded guilt of knowing I have no real pain(inspite of the surgeries and the MRI's)
However,the "superdad" super-employee powers of Hydro went away and left "Lethargic" dad and "cynical" dad....

I failed utterly at being completely sober....after hydro,I didn't even enjoy alcohol...I used to like a couple of shots now and then,but they were joyless.

I was wondering why you haven't investigated Methadone or Sub?

It's cheaper than buying all the Hydro,it's legal,and both have painkilling properties.I'm on my fourth day of Subutex and I haven't had any of the "oh my god..I'm going to die" feelings,a little mild nausea (phenergan took it right away) and a little drowsy (My doc wants us to err on the side of over rather than under medicated) but I've had ZERO cravings.
Like I said,I'm not in Pain,but they say that Subutex IS a long acting(24-36 hour) pain reliever...thats what it was invented for...it's opiate detoxing properties were something they discovered after it was invented.

I'm staying on it for Maintainance this time....months...could be over a year.I like you have the most guilt associated with my parental responsibilities,and when I was CT I was unable to function....Even my wife was concerned about me quitting...she's seen me totally sober(LOL!!)

anyways,whatever you do, God still loves you,so stop writing silly things at the end of your posts!!!!

We are all here to find something,and your just on your way to whatever your something is supposed to be.

"......Those who are well have no need of a physician,but those who are sick; I have come not to call the righteous,but sinners to repentance."

I am one sinning sack of Baseballs.....so I know at least one guy is on my side!

---you're on the way...

peace
---Baseball

lisaaahubb
10-30-2004, 07:23 PM
Hi C-mom....i know you have pain issues, but the only reason i encouraged you to stop is because you said in a few months you have a wonderful, awesome opportunity arising and you have to be off of narcs....
How does the ultracet work for pain??? Have you ever thought of drug holidays, where you take a weekend or so off of pain meds, i guess it kinda lowers your tolerence. I would check the pain management board and see if anyone knows there. I feel for you, girl!!! If you gotta stop then make your mind up and do it. If not, just try to cut back a bit, your body will adjust to a new dosage in 3-4 days of doing the same amount. You really need to decide if you can function with the pain w/out narcotics. Pain, will really effect your ability to be mommy....but so do the pills in a way because of what they do to our soul. Try not to be so hard on yourself and enjoy your Halloween. This is my favority holiday. I gotta go carve my jack-o-lantern :D And the older kids are out for the night sleeping at friends, so me and my hubby are actually gonna get some "alone time" ;)
Hope you can sort thru this....you are in my thoughts and prayers...
luv,
LISA

Sarandipity
10-30-2004, 08:19 PM
C-Mom,
I wish I would have read your post sooner. I was taking up to 20 Lortab's Norco's Vic's, whatever I could get my hands on. I had SEVERE BACK PAIN!
When I realized the pills took over my life and I was not even close to being myself because I was addicted and that's all my mind thought about... I checked into a rehab... againist all odds; single mom, job, two kids, scared what people will think, evil ex husband... didn't have 18 thousand to spend. By the grace of God I got there. There is NEVER a "good" time to make the decision and quit and really be ready to stop completely. Its a big decision, and even bigger when you have pain issues. Do you have a doctor?

You can get off these pills I know you can. I know you have legit pain issues Ive been reading your posts. And yes, you will need time away from everyday chores and driving your car. My vic withdrawl lasted for 7 days. I could not have done it on my own. Not safely that is. This is only my opinion but I think it won't do any good to get there by w/d and home. If you don't know what exactly you need to continue to do to get sober and stay sober, you will take more meds for your pain and for your addiction.

I know I could sit here and sugar coat it and tell you it will be ok to just detox, but its not true. Im letting you know its much easier to detox than it is to stay sober. I care about you and your kids and don't want anyone to have to go through the heartache I went through.
But I REALLY wanted to quit, and would go to any lengths to get there, so I went off to rehab- back pain and all. And guess what, my back - after not being on pain pills still hurts, but I and handle the pain w/o the pills and am now taking Ibuprophen, and Tylenol. My Physical Therapist said : just go to rehab, with your pain, your addiction, and w/ God. I did and it works. God does amazing things, I just had to give it a chance and let go of my free will. It's God that takes my obssesion w/ drugs away. Not me. I can't do it.

I know I am over-zelous (spelling) about recovery now and Im sorry for hurting anyone's feelings. I hope I didn't. Its just the whole time I was detoxing in rehab and then sitting through classes and meetings and in w/ a counselor- I knew there was no way I would of be able to safely detox me at home and furthermore wouldnt have stayed sober w/ out the tools I learned in rehab.

Love ya,

Sara

Twinlynn
10-31-2004, 10:22 AM
C-Mom -

I would dearly love to give you guidance...but you have so many considerations to factor into your decision that I just honestly cannot. And not having stopped taking opiates yet, myself...I don't even have a right to. But I do want to say that WHATEVER you choose to do--I really hope you will be less hard on yourself. :-) We make different decisions for different reasons at different times of our lives. The best we can do for ourselves is to try to understand just why we are making that particular choice. You have a variety of good (and caring) advice here from your friends. And your husband is helping as well. You also have the pain to consider...and that may take a period of trial and error to see if there are other answers to the opiates. But I know that pain can become the sole center of your life, if it's not eased...so you may have to compromise and take as little as possible--but enough so that pain does not stop you from enjoying your life.

Also, I do not know what this "opportunity" you speak of, involves....but I gather that it is very important in any choices you make?

Anyway, C-Mom....just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and hoping you find some answers. You may not find them all at once--but "little by little" is still the right direction! :-)

xxx with love from Lynn xxxx

PS - Serendipity--sounds like you are struggling mentally a little. It must be rather a shock to return from a rehab environment, where you are embraced 24/7 by caring staff and fellow patients...back to your home environment, where your pre-rehab life is still so strong in your memories. I hope you can find a sponsor who will be able to see your through this rough period. Just want to let you know that, I shared with a very close relative....her experience of returning from a very "nourishing" rehab environment...to home...with all of its temptations and free choices. She was helped primarily by a sponsor, who spotted her "triggers" pretty quickly...and was on the phone with her at 8 am every morning...to get her up and moving in the "right" direction!! :-) But she, too, found it a bit like jumping into space without a net, when she left the comfort of her rehab "home." It took her a little of time to feel "safe" with herself--but she came out of it all just fine! :-)

mernee
10-31-2004, 10:50 AM
I am a huge fan of going cold turkey, however having read your post and your circumstances I wondering about if the pain you endure would be to much for you. Have you thought about seeing a Doctor to help you taper down, or off depending on what he decides. I don't want you to feel like I am encouraging you to use pills, that goes against everything that I believe and work for however, I have realized that everyone is different and what may work for some may not work for others. Please do not feel guilty for medicating a pain that I know from my previous job is very painful. I will pray for your success in any decision that you may make. God Bless.

Sarandipity
10-31-2004, 01:14 PM
Twinlynn!
Hi Honey! Good to hear from you. Yes, I am struggling because Ive been home for two weeks, have a temp sponsor and she was not working w/ me. I was busy going to meetings, and reading the big book, but I am stuck on step 6.... Were Entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Entirely is a big deal, It's like Im scared to give God all my bad stuff. My diseased mind is saying: give God the Good stuff and you keep the bad stuff.

So, I did get a sponsor and she is a very good one. She told me to do more 4th step, and we would do 5, 6, and 7 on Tuesday. It's 2 in the afternoon and I still havent done it! It's like Im scared what Im going to find out about myself. And I know my resentments will ultimately get me to use again if I do not get them out.

So Im waiting for the right pen, and the right paper to start writing (excuses!)

Thats where I am. Thanks for asking and noticing I was not doing the next right thing. Im going to call my sponsor. She told me the first year is very hard. But it gets easier after you write things down on paper, and then share them w/ another addict.

Love you!

Sara