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Gianna2
11-03-2004, 12:34 PM
Hi Sara,

It is very important to me that I share this with you.

You know that letter that you shared with me that your boyfriend wrote to you when you were feeling down? Well, I hope that you don't mind but, I copied that letter, altered it very slightly and printed it and left it for my boyfriend when he got home Friday after work. (I gave author credit to anonymous because I didn't know your boyfriend's name.....besides, anonymous seemed appropriate, if you catch my drift!)! I made sure that I wasn't home when he read it.

He called me after he read it and thanked me for it. I heard a softness in his voice that I haven't heard in a very long time. He began saying that he missed our life together, things that we have shared in the past, the birds and squirrels that we feed out in the backyard, etc. And yet, he still continued to drink on Saturday and Sunday. But.....a seed had been planted. And, it grew. I could hear it in the drunk messages he left. He was angry about many things, but he was also beginning to feel a great deal of pain and remorse due to his recent actions. He was asking for help because he couldn't live this way anymore.

I had to be careful here as to not jump in and rescue, and not to turn a cold shoulder either. I asked what kind of help did he want? What kind of help is he seeking out for himself? What steps is he willing to take to put an end to this pain? Is he willing to do anything? I also explained that if he took positive steps and actually began doing things to help himself, that I would be supportive of his efforts. But, if he's just calling to cry and wanting me to rescue him, there was nothing that I could do for him.

To make a long story short: he's back in AA (2 nights so far), been in touch with a few people in AA, in touch with his sponsor, and said that he is willing to do whatever it takes to get me back and make us work.

I'm a little concerned that he's not doing it for the right reasons, he should be sober for himself. But, let's get him back into the rooms, doing the things that he should be doing, and I'm hopefull that the rest of it will work itself out in God's time. I'm still not sure what the future will bring, no one is....but, I'm somewhat hopeful now.

I want to thank you for sharing that letter with me. And if you wouldn't mind, please thank your boyfriend for writing it in the first place.

I think one of life's greatest gifts is making a difference, a positive difference in someone's life. Please know that you and your boyfriend made a difference in our lives, and I will be forever grateful to you both. You must be 2 of the angels that God has put in our lives to help us along our journey.

Again, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you both!!!!!

Gianna :wave:

Sarandipity
11-04-2004, 08:09 AM
Gianna,
Finally Im reading this! Ive been so caught up in my own stuff that I havent had time to read the boards.

Im so happy for you! You actually just did something for me by letting me know I helped you. So thank YOU!

How are you doing? Are you holding up? I will tell my boyfriend you said thanks. That was very sweet to let me know.

I have a new sponsor, so Im doing my 4th step again w/ her on Saturday morning so Im going to be busy doing inventory but never too busy to say Hi to you and talk to you and see whats going on. I tell ya there is hope in everyone. The more people see changes in yourself- the more believable it seems to people that are still suffering out there.

What else is going on. Life continues on with me w/ forty something days of sobriety. Cravings every now and then but nothin God can't handle.

Did you ever pick up the book " When medicine becomes dangerous " ?
If not, pick it up.

Write me!

Have a wonderful blessed day and know your sister in the fellowship is thinking about you and rooting for you and everyone on this board!

-Sara

Sarandipity
11-05-2004, 02:14 PM
Hey Gianna! How are you on this Friday afternoon? It's beautiful here in Texas. Hope all is well with you.

Write me when you get a chance to let me know how you are doing!

-Sara

Gianna2
11-08-2004, 06:07 AM
Hi Sara,

I'm not doing very well right now. I'm not really sure what's going on. Yesterday, right before a meeting he was paying 'his' bills. I asked if we could re-review the budget I had worked up for both of our bills and basically he says he is paying "his" bills first, then if there's anything left over, mine will be paid. Plus, he's very secretive about his money...where it goes, where it comes from, when and how much he's paying for bills, etc.

A little history....I had saved a healthy sum of money for emergency use if ever I lost my job before I ever met him (I am currently out of work). Over the past several months, I used over $5,000 of that to post bail, court and legal expenses for him, plus various emergency room / dental visit for me (due to his violence when drunk). I have very little left!

I felt that I used that money to help him, and now, it would be the right thing to do to reimburse me that money (month-by-month) so I could use it as orginally planned. A huge verbal fight insued and I had a hissy fit and threw a pack of ciggies at the wall. Yes, I lost my control, but I didn't hurt anyone or anything! I left and kept my phone off when he tried to call....I just knew that I didn't have anything kind to say and I thought the best thing was not to talk to him until we both had time to cool off.

Anyway, yesterday he left me a message that he locked himself out of the apt. He had his truck key, but not his apt. key. He was going out for awhile, but wouldn't be able to get back in unless I came home to let him in, or, if he called a locksmith. I left a msg. for him a little later saying that I'm sorry to hear about your key fiasco, but I wasn't ready to come home quite yet. I wanted to stay out for a few more hours, I would touch bases with him later!

When I touched bases with him later, he said he pried open the back window screen and climbed in. I don't know if he really locked his keys in the house or if he was using this as an excuse to get me to come back home. Anyway, when I got home he said that he spoke to several people in AA and he will not allow me to affect his sobriety by making him worry about who I am with. (he's very jealous). He also was not pleased that I didn't run home to let him in. See, he's using AA and program alright.....but in my opinion, he's using it to his advantage at my expense. I don't know if I explained that right. He's being advised to take care of him...his sobriety comes first and I understand that. But does that mean that you don't help a person pay their bills when they paid over $5,000 for you over the last couple of months? Is that sober thinking? Maybe I just don't get it. Maybe I'm screwed up in the head.

He's continuously blaming me for things, then trying to do something nice hoping that I won't remember his cruelty! Is this mind control or what?

Sorry to ramble....I'm not feeling well either. Have a sinus/chest congestion thing going on and maybe that's why I'm not thinking too clearly.

Gianna

Sarandipity
11-08-2004, 08:23 AM
Gianna,
Ohhh, It sounds so much like my past relationships. So up and down, it's like you never know what to expect. Since Ive been in the program of AA, my life has calmed down a lot. I will explain how:

The guy Ive been dating, ya know the sweet one? Well he has not paid child support in years. I knew his parents paid for it sometimes, because he has been out of work. And I assumed he had been paying it since he got a job.
Well I found out he is not. That goes againist all of my morals. I am a single parent. And if my ex husband has always paid me child support even when he was not working. Because Im working the steps- I realize that If I continued to see him- I would be putting myself in a posision to get hurt. So I let him know I loved him, but I could not see him anymore until he got that straitened out and started to pay child support.

The thing that got me is he would spend money on me- but couldn't pay child support. No No. :nono:

I don't know what to tell you about your boyfriend, I would say stick in there and help him out w/ taking him to meetings, but he has hit you, and Im never ok with that. For any reason. You have done what you can. Do you want your money back, I mean of course you do! But if you don't need it right away- give him space and see what happens.

The best way to "get through" to him is let him see your actions. YOU going to Alanon, and AA. YOU paying your debts. YOU not lying or throwing anything. That is how he will see. Not by you telling him anything.

Because right now, it sounds like he doesnt realized he has a problem w/ drugs and alcohol. And how can you deny something you don't see?

Thanks for writing Gianna. Stay in touch. I have to get to work now.

Love always,

Sara