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goddessgrl65
11-08-2004, 05:53 AM
Hi all-
Whats up w/ everyone..seems like everyone has slipped back into there own worlds..miss everyone-would love to hear updates..
Anyone is missed..couldn't fit it in..im thinking of you all
peace
ggrl

Twinlynn
11-08-2004, 12:13 PM
Ggrl! :wave:

How weird--I was sitting at the computer early this morning and thinking about you--you were sort of "buzzing" in my head--and I kept wondering how you were doing. I was remembering the stuff you've being going through..and thinking how nice it would be for the rules to change and allow us to exchange e-mails! :D

And then I got to thinking about ALL of you guys...and how I miss you. It's just too easy to lose 'connections' on thiese big boards, isn't it!? So....I want to hear all about you..your new therapist....your Sub withdrawal adventures..and just how your life has beern faring!! (I STILL haven't called a Sub doctor...but I HAVE to. I'm such a gutless wonder!! LOL!)

But--most important--how is the little PUG?!? :D Snort, snort! Snuffle, snuffle! The little sweetie! Theo and Celeste wave their paws "hello."

I have been off-line here for too long now. A couple of reasons...first of all, little Celeste, my Peke-Mix, had another heart failure attack---fluid on the lungs. And she is only just getting a little better. I had to get her back and forth to the vet for all sorts of tests, etc. And she needs a lot of attention, more pills, etc. She is so much quieter now...sleeping under the bed most of the day and night. Guess she needs to give that little heart a rest for awhile. And I have to admit that when my little dogs are ill, I tend not to go on the computer much. BUT--she IS getting better!

I'm still home from work, but the foot is much improved..and I'm going back after Thanksgiving. However, last week I finally had this mole in my upper lip removed--and, up until today, really, I looked like I'd stepped off a space ship!! What an "alien" looking face I had. Mouth swollen up like Goldie Hawn in the "Wives Club"--and this horrendous purple/fuscia stain that went way over the lipline--making me look like some crazy lady, let loose with a lipstick! LOL! I just had the stitches taken out today...and I really do look more presentable. And...the 'mole'--which had been there for about 20 years--turned out to be just a tangle of blood vessels and totally benign. Can't believe I never had it out before this! It was my "foot" plastic surgeon, who insisted I let him check it out and remove it. And now i'm so glad I did! My upper lip looks so much better without it!

I'm just starting to go out and about on my recovered foot--so at long last I feel healthier! (Tho I must say that since last week's election, I've just wanted to hide! LOL! :-)

I've also been getting back to my pen and pencil sketching and drawing (mediocre tho the results may be!) :D So my dining table has gone back to serving as my easel--and my art supplies are now just about up to one rubber eraser for every page in my sketch pad! LOL!

I want so much to get up the courage to phone a Sub doctor and be rid of this awful addiction. And I feel so "pro-Sub"--in spite of the withdrawal difficulties I've read about. I just know I need the help of a drug like Sub. that will get me thru the depression aspect of withdrawal. This is what has gotten to me everytime. And you and others have given me so much hope with your positive experiences.

You'll notice a lot of new people are asking about Sub--you were one of the "pioneers"!! And I always tell new people to look for your earlier posts. You just can't imagine how important it is for people like myself to discover that there may be a glimmer of hope out there--when everything had seemed so hopeless! :angel:

And....now.... I want to hear all about YOU and how you've been! Miss ya! xxx Lynn xxx :cool:

goddessgrl65
11-09-2004, 05:14 AM
Hi Alice..
So good to hear from you-
I can completely understand why you've been away from the computer-between the foot surgery(long recovery)and your DOGGIE..and the now your lip..HONEY!!!And i felt like ive been at a week long wake since last tuesday.I can relate-...Your dealing w/ alot-you'll get to the sub when your ready.
Im starting to feel like its gonna be a long hard road-w/ the sub..its been a year-w/o having to deal w/ active addiction-but yet im attached to this med(dependant)..my doc has slowed the pace of w/d.Im at 3 mgs.
Between the sub/AD/ativan-mmm-can you say the word toxic???
I hope your Celeste is better-when the pups are not well-life is unbalanced-
I love the puglet like no other-im a crazed dog luvin'mama.
I just celebrated my 45th year-last week-very low key..w/an eating binge that kicked off getting off my tush and back exercising..lol-my son bought me a new coffeemaker-super hi-tech..cos im a coffee addict too-surprised????
I love my coffee..mmm..hes such a darling-his band has a cd coming out next month-great songs!G'boy!
The new therapist..is..amazing!!!I am stunned/shocked and amazed-YOU..my darling told me-that perhaps-i would be pleasantly surprised..new insights etc.
She is really great-i feel so fortunate-to have another strong soulful woman-to hear me kvetch!No-seriously..shes really great-and i thank you-for opening up my mind-to check it out-etc..thank you.
Thats so cool-your drawing again-ive been talking about getting back into drawing for a while-i love pen/ink-charcoal/too-its such a great way to chill-and create..ive been working on some musical ideas/poetry-finally-im feeling lil bits of creativity coming thru the fog..
The sub is excellent-ive been given a year of living amongst the living-w/o the severe depression of w/d-which i know - scares you.
Anyone who truly has severe depression issues-like ourselves-know how heavy it is.So-thank you suboxone-ive been reading some things lately that i got to admit-freak me out!(about getting off it-but-everyones exp. is so differant-the slow way is the best..
Well-i gotta get going-im exhausted..coffee...
ggrl
Blessed Be..
miss you and say hi to Alice for me..
(((hugs)))

mernee
11-09-2004, 08:45 AM
I am still here. I had some problems but, I have worked them out. I have been so busy. I just put my father in a care home so, I am concentrating on that. I won't be able to post as much as previous however I am still around. Hope all is going well with everyone.

Best Friend
11-09-2004, 12:38 PM
Hi all-
Whats up w/ everyone..seems like everyone has slipped back into there own worlds..miss everyone-would love to hear updates..
Anyone is missed..couldn't fit it in..im thinking of you all
peace
ggrl

Hiya goddessbudy....it's one of the Alices, reporting in to say I'm still here and peeking at the Board. Thanks for thinking of me! Lynn's pretty much summed up our situation in her note to you. So I'll just send a hug from me and my young uns, my Shih Tzu trio, Aubrey, Milo and Garson. :D :D :D
TwinAlice :D

KIMBEE
11-11-2004, 09:58 AM
Hello all, My computer has been down for a while now, buts its working great now! I am still on 6mgs, I just cant seem to let go, I am too scared I will turn into the old junkie again, I guess I just dont trust myself. Goddessgrl please let me know how hard it was going down to the 3 mgs. Was it bearable? I was at the docs yesterday and he still reassures me it is very easy to come off of. I am so dependant on knowing that I have a pill that I take daily, that helps me live a very normal life! I am scared of losing that safety net, ya know its scares me to death. He did mention putting me on Naltrexone when I am completly off the sub. I will say it till the day I die, This drug has truly saved my life!!!! I am so thankful that there is something out there that can help an addict get their life back in order. I would do it over again in a heartbeat, even knowing there might be some discomfort coming off, to me it is worth it. I hope you all are doing well, Hang in there it only gets better, right? Bye for now.

goddessgrl65
11-12-2004, 05:20 AM
Hi Kimbee-Hi BF/BC-
Thanks for saying hello-
Kimbee-im still at 3 mgs-4mgs sometimes too..i am also nervous about having to come off this-not ready yet.
I feel im just starting to piece my life back together-it takes a while-to really settle in-make the positive changes-and feel it/know it..
Its not so hard from the 6mg-to 4 mgs-you could try that..to begin-actually i could barely feel the drop.i cheat out of laziness-cos i take the lil ones-so sometimes i don't break it in half-
But you'll be surprised how insignificant the change is-
But- i would still like to drop the x-tra weight-i think ive tried about everything-but im not THAT vain-that i would blow this treatment off to be thin again-i am a firm believer in this program of recovery-i know you feel the same-Thank Goddess!!!
good to hear from you-stay in touch-
hope alls well on the homefront!
ggrl

Twinlynn
11-12-2004, 07:53 AM
Hi, Ggrl, et al! :p

So nice to hear ya reporting in! And such great news about your therapist--I am terrible about getting used to new people and situations--so I know how your imagination must have run rampant before you actually met this new woman! :D

Your son sounds wonderful--and I just cannot say enough about a boy who knows to buy his mother a coffeemaker!! LOL!! Some of my happiest times and best conversations have take place around a coffee urn, with friends and family!!

When I read your and Kimbee's life-saving testimony to Suboxone, all I can think is "why do doctor's want you off the stuff so quickly??" :confused: I am guessing it may be because they are unsure of long-term effects? (When I was one of the first Prozac patients, there was a lot of alarm about that...but about 15 years later, I'm still "a-ticking"!!)

Whatever the doctors are speculating, I feel very strongly that if we are just beginning to gather our emotional strength, and make good changes in our life--after years of misery--than that is NOT the time to yank the carpet out from under us. It's one thing if a patient specifically asks to taper off Sub....but for the doctors to be so cautious that they do not wait out the benefits of the drug just does not make sense to me. (As you can guess, I'm not the sort of person who says "my body is a temple...nothing unnatural shall pass my lips!" LOLOL!) :D (Quite honestly, I think if our bodies were such "temples" to begin with, we would not see so many children born with such agonizing, disabilities. But...I'll hold off on my philosophical thoughts, here! :-) The point is that I think that some of our bodies need extra help thru medications...even if we were at times the ones to precipitate the need. I don't think we should punish ourselves, if there is something that helps.

I feel really bad for you and Kimbee, etc, for not being able to choose when you are ready to stop the Sub. I believe that choices like that should be made by adults. I persevered with the Prozac for all these years...and it has continued to control my formerly "out of control" OCD--which is why I was started on it. (I take it along with Wellbutrin.) It saved my life without a doubt. And I am looking forward to the Suboxone helping to do the same. At this "later" stage of my life, I'm not going to debate any long whether or not I was "weak" and without will at certain points. I was!! But now I want to do better. And if there's a way to help me do it, I want to be able to choose it.

So, guys....I just want to support you in your desire to want to feel certain that you are ready before you have to turn away from the source of your help. And I hope your doctors see the total sense of that! :-) I can hear, in both your posts, that you may need that support longer (as I'm certain that I will)!

RE. the weight gain. I initially gained a lot of weight when I began to take antidepressants--but that was because I was wanting to eat more--and I did! So, I gained weight! I had to go on a long, slow diet to lose it...but it did come off when I went back to my old eating habits. Is Suboxone different from this? Can your body gain weight if you're eating the same things as before? Even with the changes in our metabolism (I was so skinny years ago), that would not seem to account for large weight gains, if our eating habits stay the same. Did anything in your eating change, when you began the Sub? Believe me, I am not vain enough that I won't take a wonder medication like Sub. for weight gain fears....but it sure wouldn't make me dance for joy!!! I'm finally back to thin again. It would be such a pain to have to fight that old battle again!! :eek: LOL!

Well...just wanted to send some love and support your way on this gloomy, rainy Friday! (I kinda like rain...but don't tell anyone, or they'll think I'm more nuts than I already seem!!)

By the way--so, you are a "hidden" artist as well? I used to do so much more drawing than I do now....but sitting at home with this injury for so long, really let me unwind enough to get me back into it! As is so typical of me, I got so carried away that I "replenished" my old art supplies by practically clearing out the entire art shop near me! LOL! You'd think I was Van Gogh if I gave you a tour of the "studio" (aka: the dining table!!!!) But, in fact, I mostly stare at all the brushes, the markers, the pens, the pencils, the pastels, the watercolors, the art pads and the various sets of blank cards to "make-your-own-greeting-card"..etc, etc. It takes me so long to actually sit down and DO IT!! I keep thinking about it...what I should draw...in which media...on what size paper....LOLOL!! :rolleyes:

And...on that note...I think I shall take my morning "stare" of the supplies, right now. And then drag Celeste out from under the bed for her morning medications. "C'mon, Celeste, Mummy has a surprise for you!!!" :D

love to all, Lynn xxxx

Pill Diva
11-12-2004, 12:23 PM
HI everyone, I have to completely agree with Kimbee...Suboxone has saved my life as well!!! I can't even imagine where I would be today if I didn't start on it. I had tried so many times in so many different ways to detox and stay clean but to no avail. I had months of clean time under my belt until my mother passed away suddenly. That sent me on a whirlwind of using oxy's like there was no tomorrow. My husband was at his wits end with me and honestly I don't know how much more he would have taken. And the money I spent....omg, I shudder to think of the thousands and thousands of dollars I snorted up my nose. I think the biggest relief for me is to be able to wake up in the morning and not worry about how or where I was going to get my fix for the day. Now I wake up in a good mood (well after my first cup of coffee) and enjoy my day. I can remember when I was using how I dreaded to wake up if I didn't have anything. The worst part would be if my husband was home that morning and he would wonder why I was sick AGAIN.. Come on, how many times can a person have the flu?... I would be soooo envious of him in a good mood and feeling great and there I would be, hating life and feeling like I wanted to die. I would be so sick and curled up in that damn fetal position not able to get out of bed. I couldn't live like that one more day and finally began my search for a sub doctor. I have to say that I am one of the lucky ones and have a great and understanding doctor. I am still on 24mgs. a day and he is in no hurry to drop me down. He wants me to feel comfortable when I decrease my dosage so I don't slip up and get any cravings. I honestly am in no hurry or rush to get off or even come down for that matter. I am living a normal life now and don't want anything to mess it up. Plus, I just found out that my insurance will pay me 75 percent of my out of pocket expenses. So I will have a nice big check coming to me in a couple days. That helps so much considering I pay 375.00 a month......so now I get 75 percent of that back. I didn't realize that until a couple weeks ago so I sent in all of my receipts from the pharmacy and have a 2000.00 check being sent. Yessssssss.....Merry Christmas..LOL
Lynn....You made me laugh so hard with your elevator story. I have so many of those kind of stories myself. Including one of me fighting with my dog when he picked up my oxy 80 that I dropped .not only was I scared for him..but let's be real...I was more worried about myself.....Thank goodness he spit it out after I tackled him...and yes, I had no trouble snorting it even after it was in my dogs mouth...LOL

Have a great day everyone...
Sharon

Twinlynn
11-13-2004, 06:38 AM
Sharon,

How GREAT that you are doing so well on the Suboxone!!! It is so noticeable that those who take Suboxone after bad addictions, seem to recover without the awful lingering depressions (and of course the long-lasting cravings) that inevitably follow after going completely off drugs. And, while I know this is due to the opiate receptors remaining satisfied by a different drug...still...what a heaven sent mercy to be able to take this first (and, for some, permanent?) step in finally getting the body and the brain off those killing opiatess....and to be given the greatest gift of all--a second chance--the "restoration" of a mind where people, places, laughter, love, imagination--just good old emotions...matter again. :angel: These opiates have our heads so twisted around that we don't even realize how "dead" we've beome to real emotions. So--I am really happy for you, Sharon!! :-)

And, I know, too well, that feeling of waking up in the morning, knowing that nothing will ease my despair or the physical pain of not enough opiates in my system...until I reach over for my pill box...so I can start my day. It is so very sick a way to live. As you may have read, from my past posts, it is up to me now to just make those calls from my doctor listings....and find a good and caring Suboxone doctor. Because I can get my oxys without asking doctors, or on-line pharmacies, or searching for those "on the street" who sell them...(my cousin, a legitimate pain-management patient, offers me the excess of her legitmately prescripted pain pills)..... it has become for me an issue of strength and determination to just say good-by to a life that has, in such a strange way, suited my more solitary-type personality. But, now...I no longer feel "good"--I am no longer socializing at all--or pursuing any of my former, more enjoyable more-creative side. I'm just kind of getting by. But at least I am no longer deluding myself. And, sharing this same problem with my twin makes it so much easier. But we both need to make that call to a Sub doctor. And because I've been so hesitant--and "cowardly"--I, quite honestly, don't even feel right coming to this Board very often anymore. I feel as if I have failed to take that life-saving step that so many of you have. (And, yet, it is people just like yourself and goddessgirl who have been instrumental in taking me those few steps further along the road...and reading the Board is the one thing that gives me heart that I CAN make that final step.) You have all been invaluable in teaching me about courage, setting goals, etc. And when I read posts like yours, the relief I feel is immeasurable! :) So thank you so much for writing with your update! :-)

Re. "The Dog Vs. The Blue Oxy 80." LOLOL!!! Oh ****, your story just cracked me up. Your struggle with "man's best friend" is not the least beyond my imagination!!! It takes very little imagination on my part to envision myself tackling my stocky, stubborn, little Lhasa, the two us growling and trying to out-psyche one another for the role of "Alpha" dog--and "keeper of the Oxy"! LOLOL!! :D I can also offer up a rather amusing tale of the day my company cafeteria's cashier, found my little battered tin pill box on the floor...and thinking it was "rubbish"--disposed of it as such!!! It couldn't have been more than 15 minutes, down in the office, when I realized I must have dropped it out of my bag, in the cafeteria. But, by that time, the wastebasket and been tossed into the larger disposal bin. Oh, nooooooo.....

However--after I went back...and told them it had my special pills in it (!!)--one of the cafeteria guys disappeared around the back...and ten minutes later re-emerged, wearing rubber gloves--and holding my little tin pill box!!! I could not believe it. This guy plunged into a giant vat of food parts and other lovely wastes--just to retrieve my box. Well! While I was so overwhelmed with gratitude...I thought to myself "Okay--now you've sunk to the depths!!! You've got people wallowing in GARBAGE to support your addiction!!!" That scene is one of the more potent that is eventually going to get me to pick up that phone!!! :eek:

Okay, just looked at my watch and I gotta go now, but just had to say how much I enjoyed reading your post!! Lynn :)

KIMBEE
11-13-2004, 07:24 AM
Hi, Ggrl, et al! :p

So nice to hear ya reporting in! And such great news about your therapist--I am terrible about getting used to new people and situations--so I know how your imagination must have run rampant before you actually met this new woman! :D

Your son sounds wonderful--and I just cannot say enough about a boy who knows to buy his mother a coffeemaker!! LOL!! Some of my happiest times and best conversations have take place around a coffee urn, with friends and family!!

When I read your and Kimbee's life-saving testimony to Suboxone, all I can think is "why do doctor's want you off the stuff so quickly??" :confused: I am guessing it may be because they are unsure of long-term effects? (When I was one of the first Prozac patients, there was a lot of alarm about that...but about 15 years later, I'm still "a-ticking"!!)

Whatever the doctors are speculating, I feel very strongly that if we are just beginning to gather our emotional strength, and make good changes in our life--after years of misery--than that is NOT the time to yank the carpet out from under us. It's one thing if a patient specifically asks to taper off Sub....but for the doctors to be so cautious that they do not wait out the benefits of the drug just does not make sense to me. (As you can guess, I'm not the sort of person who says "my body is a temple...nothing unnatural shall pass my lips!" LOLOL!) :D (Quite honestly, I think if our bodies were such "temples" to begin with, we would not see so many children born with such agonizing, disabilities. But...I'll hold off on my philosophical thoughts, here! :-) The point is that I think that some of our bodies need extra help thru medications...even if we were at times the ones to precipitate the need. I don't think we should punish ourselves, if there is something that helps.

I feel really bad for you and Kimbee, etc, for not being able to choose when you are ready to stop the Sub. I believe that choices like that should be made by adults. I persevered with the Prozac for all these years...and it has continued to control my formerly "out of control" OCD--which is why I was started on it. (I take it along with Wellbutrin.) It saved my life without a doubt. And I am looking forward to the Suboxone helping to do the same. At this "later" stage of my life, I'm not going to debate any long whether or not I was "weak" and without will at certain points. I was!! But now I want to do better. And if there's a way to help me do it, I want to be able to choose it.

So, guys....I just want to support you in your desire to want to feel certain that you are ready before you have to turn away from the source of your help. And I hope your doctors see the total sense of that! :-) I can hear, in both your posts, that you may need that support longer (as I'm certain that I will)!

RE. the weight gain. I initially gained a lot of weight when I began to take antidepressants--but that was because I was wanting to eat more--and I did! So, I gained weight! I had to go on a long, slow diet to lose it...but it did come off when I went back to my old eating habits. Is Suboxone different from this? Can your body gain weight if you're eating the same things as before? Even with the changes in our metabolism (I was so skinny years ago), that would not seem to account for large weight gains, if our eating habits stay the same. Did anything in your eating change, when you began the Sub? Believe me, I am not vain enough that I won't take a wonder medication like Sub. for weight gain fears....but it sure wouldn't make me dance for joy!!! I'm finally back to thin again. It would be such a pain to have to fight that old battle again!! :eek: LOL!

Well...just wanted to send some love and support your way on this gloomy, rainy Friday! (I kinda like rain...but don't tell anyone, or they'll think I'm more nuts than I already seem!!)

By the way--so, you are a "hidden" artist as well? I used to do so much more drawing than I do now....but sitting at home with this injury for so long, really let me unwind enough to get me back into it! As is so typical of me, I got so carried away that I "replenished" my old art supplies by practically clearing out the entire art shop near me! LOL! You'd think I was Van Gogh if I gave you a tour of the "studio" (aka: the dining table!!!!) But, in fact, I mostly stare at all the brushes, the markers, the pens, the pencils, the pastels, the watercolors, the art pads and the various sets of blank cards to "make-your-own-greeting-card"..etc, etc. It takes me so long to actually sit down and DO IT!! I keep thinking about it...what I should draw...in which media...on what size paper....LOLOL!! :rolleyes:

And...on that note...I think I shall take my morning "stare" of the supplies, right now. And then drag Celeste out from under the bed for her morning medications. "C'mon, Celeste, Mummy has a surprise for you!!!" :D

love to all, Lynn xxxx
Twinlynn, Hi, I just wanted to let ya know that my doctor is in no hurry to stop my treatment, It just kinda came up in conversation about how long I wanted to stay on it. I then said, I would some day soon try and just see what happens, ya know to see how strong I really am. He also said in any time I thought I wanted back on, it would be no problem. One of my biggest problems is I have to drive out of state to see the doctor, and that is really getting old. I have been on the suboxoxne for 15 months now and that drive is wearing me out, not to mention having to take off work. But like I said I would do it for the rest of my life if I had to, just to stay clean! That means so much to me. I sometimes look back and remember those bad days and shudder to think about the things I did for pills, ugh! So are you considering going the sub route? I think you will be pleasantly suprised at how well it works, especially for depression. This is the only drug that has help my depression, and believe me I have tried them all. And to answer about the weight gain thing, what I noticed was the cravings for sweets, they were so strong! I could eat a half gallon of icecream in a day, no problem! I have been taking a diet pill and seem to be back at my normal weight, so that makes my happy! Have you talked to a sub doctor yet? I wish you all the best and I cant wait to see how well you do on it. Any date set yet? Please keep us informed, I havent been on the boards for a while but I am going to try and check in more often. I will be getting a differant computer on the 17 so I may have a new screen name, I hope you guys will figure out who I am, as I am switching providers as well. Talk to ya soon, and good luck towards your way!!

goddessgrl65
11-13-2004, 07:55 AM
Kimbee-
What diet pill are you on???
I need some help-it works w/ the sub..no side effects..?????
Your lucky the dr. is not rushing you-i think my dr. is starting to back off-Thank God!Whats the rush really?
Im sure he is seeing his patients having trouble w/ w/d etc..and since this treatment is relatively new-hes learning as he goes..along.
He really has chilled out-im not in a big hurry.
Great hearing from you-im glad things are going well-
Let me know the name of the diet pill..HELP!!
ggrl :angel:
Blessed Be!

Pill Diva
11-13-2004, 12:52 PM
Lynn, Thank you so much from once again making me laugh out loud. My husband must think I'm a nut up here laughing to myself. Please don't ever leave these boards or don't feel right about being on here. I have sat quietly for such a long time reading the posts on this forum and you have NEVER let me down .. every time I read one of your posts, you make me smile! And that is a gift that is priceless. I can promise you that once you make the phone call and get started on the sub, you will see a change in yourself that won't believe. I started socializing again almost immediately which was something I hadn't done at all while using. I look forward to getting up in the morning.....and I have never been a morning person. I am up at the crack of dawn and feel so refreshed and ready to start my day. No more alarm clocks and snooze buttons for me....... I wish I had started on sub sooner than I did but like you, I was afraid to let go of something that become my life. I didn't know how I could or would cope without my best friend on a daily basis. I was terrified but knew I had to do something. You will know Lynn when the time is right. I guess it's all about making a commitment to make a change. It's hard....but definitely doable. So when that times comes for you.....I'll be here to help you in any way I can.

LOL, I can't even imagine the panic you must have been feeling when you realized you lost your little box of pills. OMG....I would have jumped in that garbage myself if I had been there. But I'm afraid I wouldn't have been giving them back to you...lol, sorry, finders, KEEPERS!! LOL Do you know that to this day there is a big fat green 80 rolling around in my husbands car somewhere. He doesn't know it, but I do. I lost it one night coming home from one of my "runs" to the "grocery store" . My car was low on gas so instead of taking time to go the station for gas, I took my husbands car. Well in the process of "hiding" them before I got home, one fell out of my hands and has never resurfaced to this day. The bright side to that story is, I have never compelled to even look for it....not since the day I started the sub. If I found it today, I would flush it without blinking an eye. Ok, I have written a novel here...sorry. Once I start talking I just can't shut up. Have a great day!!!!!!

DallasAli
11-13-2004, 07:59 PM
Hi Everyone!

I've been thinking about all of you for quite some time myself lately, so I was happy to see this thread. My kids are on the computer a lot lately w/homework, and my job keeps me away from my house from 8:00 to 6:00. The weekends are a blur of so much catching up and chores that I rarely log on.

But I suspect the main reason I dropped out for awhile was that there were so many new members and threads that I lost sight of where all of you were! That's more truthful than anything else because I know when we were all clicking away at the same time on our keyboards, seldom did a day go by without my checking the boards, and then BAM, a flurry of activity from folks that I wanted to share with, but for whatever reason, I didn't...? Don't really know how to explain it, but maybe I have become one of those "clique" girls I hated in school, and just missed my old "crew." LOL...!

I'm still on the methadone, and I haven't reduced or increased my dose, but I am feeling some breakthru withdrawals, and I am not sleeping as well as I was at the beginning, and my feeling-better-about-things attitude is waning. This is a tough time of the year for me with the holidays approaching and all, also. I have officially slipped into my seasonal depression...I truly hate this time of year. My brother's b'day is this coming week; he'd have been 53! I can't believe it, he was 33 the last time I saw him... My kids will be with their dad over Thanksgiving, and I am trying to come up with something "fulfilling" to do like donate my time to a shelter or something. Sounds good, but when I delve into my solo pity parties, I think of things to do but seldom act on them.

I have been going to a gym after work, and that's a good thing. I hate this sweet tooth I've developed since the methadone, and I've gained 10 lbs. and I see more coming! I've really cut back on the sweets, so I'm hoping some exercise and a better diet will help me feel better in general. Does anyone know why the meth and sub causes this weight gain?! Yikes...I wasn't expecting it, and for me it's really hard as I've been the same weight for 30 years! I've never dieted in my life, and this is something really new to me, so I'm in hibernation until I feel I look better.

Found out the guy I was last with is "in love" with his new girlfriend, and in his words, "she's so perfect, I'm afraid this is too good to be true." What a jerk...and this statement came after he told me about their 2-wk trip to Germany and all the fun he had there. See, when I was on the vikes, I wouldn't travel for all the reasons you all know and understand, but he couldn't get it, so now he even threw that up at me like "well, you wouldn't ever go anywhere with me..." Hello! I was in full-blown addict-he**!! Oh well, deep down I know we aren't right for each other, but right now, I just don't want to see him happy. I know, I know...my bad, but I am just being honest.

So that's it in a nutshell for me, feeling the holiday, winter blues and blahs setting in, missing my old gang on here and too tired to get to know the new members like I wanted to try to do. Still sticking to the program, and haven't had a relapse since August, and am thinking I really, really need to find a meeting to go to...or go shopping, I'm not sure....(just kidding, I hope?!)

Lynn, I am so sorry your foot is still bugging you, and although your lip situation sounds painful and unsightly, thanks for the Goldie Hawn reference...that was a good laugh :)! Hi to twin Alice! You two take care of each other now, ya' hear?

Love to you all, and any advice on how to keep the grinch factor at bay is very welcome,

Dallas Alice

P.S. Where is Lisa and Michelle? Maybe I've missed their posts, I need to look around...also haven't seen my meth cronies, Rockingham or Jen or bluejulie around here lately? Soooo many threads to sift through, sigh...

lisaaahubb
11-13-2004, 09:36 PM
Hey All...how is everyone's weekend going??? I am hanging in there...just had the last of my teeth pulled, 6 to be exact...it sucks, i am so glad i am never gonna have to go thru this crap again in my life. I am having the rest of the implants in, in about 2 weeks. My extraction sites are infected :rolleyes: , well 2 out of the 6 have developed dry sockets. Yes, i have been taking pain med....about 3-4 pills a day. i am hoping to be done with them soon.
I am wondering where Michelle is??? Anyone heard from her???
It is such a busy time of year...we are having Thanksgiving dinner here and have been doing things to the house. Got a new light fixture for the kitchen and a new chandelier for above the dining room table. We also got all new windows, my hubby will be spending most of his Sunday installing those. Curtains for the living room is next on my list. Probably go look around tomorrow. We are going to be having about 25 for dinner...so i have been trying to start a menu and shopping list. My brother in law will be coming home for Thanksgiving...he will be deporting for Iraq on Jan.5th but can only stay here for a few days and then has to go back to Oklahoma where they are training at a base. It will be good to spend the holidays with him.
Me and hubby went out to dinner tonight...it went o.k....there just seems to be lack of communication there...just something missing...i don't know.. :rolleyes: he is so dam rapped up in his work....
I've really been working on potty-training my 3 yr old...he isn't too keen on the idea, but i am persistent :D
Well just thought i would check in...
luv,
LISA

goddessgrl65
11-14-2004, 07:20 AM
Hey..Dallas/Pill diva/Lissa-
So glad you guys responded to this thread-i couldn't list all the names..etc..but it was a shout-out to the old crowd..miss everyone..
Lissa- :wave: hope you are ok-you have so many issues w/ your teeth-that sucks!
Did the original surgery go bad?I know you were so happy w/your "new smile"-and mouth pain is very intense.Are you going to have to kick again-or is it short term meds..
I know what you mean about going out w/ your husband and having dinner-and you feel like "your one of those silent couples"..i just stopped going out to dinner..take out is dinner out these days..
This is a tough time of year w/ addicts-for me..it was having enough drugs/and enough $$ for presents/foods/decor..putting on the face..of having it together for the family-and always..trying to kick during vacation..
Talk about PtSD..i keep envisioning myself having the flu..after xmas..trying once again to get off the drugs..
The flu-to others-for me..agony..
Well this year-i get a break-one year on the sub..im planning the mellowest of holidays..the 3 of us-nice dinner at home/movies-lots of comfy..ness.
DALLAS!..Whatsssup!! :wave:
The methadone can have a more "jonsesy" aspect than the sub..from what ive heard from others on MMT-if your dose isn't right..you may need it adjusted..you shouldn't really have any w/ds-but i know what you mean-even on the sub-some afternoons-i start yawning uncontrollably-im sneezy-or fatigued beyond belief..is that w/ds..or what?
The weight thing does suck-i also have NEVER been this weight-im clapping when im hanging in the 150s..i was always-120-135..tops..and you do feel bad-but the need for sweets..im trying hard believe me..i even joined WW-
but realised it was a waste of time/$$..w/ zero control..
I think if i got off the sub-id lose the weight-still should check my thyroid.
So great hearing from ya'll..we need to stay in touch-esp..this time of year..
Its addicts bad time o' the year..well-definitely in the past-
Cheers to all-we'll help each other thru it..
stay strong sisters-
ggrl :angel:

KIMBEE
11-14-2004, 07:43 AM
Kimbee-
What diet pill are you on???
I need some help-it works w/ the sub..no side effects..?????
Your lucky the dr. is not rushing you-i think my dr. is starting to back off-Thank God!Whats the rush really?
Im sure he is seeing his patients having trouble w/ w/d etc..and since this treatment is relatively new-hes learning as he goes..along.
He really has chilled out-im not in a big hurry.
Great hearing from you-im glad things are going well-
Let me know the name of the diet pill..HELP!!
ggrl :angel:
Blessed Be!
Hello GG, I am a little hesitant to tell you the name of the diet pill I am on, as some think its not for people with addictive historys, but I have not had any problems whatsoever! And I do not have any side affects with mixing it with the sub. I cant even tell I am on a diet pill, other than it does definatly curb my appetite. My sub doc does know I am on it, he just says to use long enough to lose the weight or no more than 4 to 6 months. T he name of the pill is Phentermine. Like I said some may frown, but its working great for me and I am almost where I was before the sub. I feel much healthier at this weight, I was out of control there for a while, I would eat a half gallon of ice cream a day ugh!! Are you still on the slim in 6? Ya know, I ordered that and it still sits in my closet unopened, thats pretty bad, I know , I have no will power to exercise. This is the cheaters way out but it works for me. I take 1 pill a day and thats it! How is your husband doing on his tapering? Do you know if Sammi finished her tapering? I have been off for so long I dont know whats going on with anyone. I am going to start checking in more now, although, we are switching providers next week and I will have a new screen name, I just hope you guys will know who I am. I know you switched a while back, any suggestions, or did everyone just figure it out? I am sending you wonderful vibes on your tapering, you are doing so good, I hope I do as well as you when my time comes. L et me know what ya think about the diet pill. Have you ever tried any of them? This is the only one that has worked for me, GOOD LUCK!!

goddessgrl65
11-14-2004, 08:03 AM
Ive heard of that-and don't worry-i would go thru my psycho pharm and ask her if its cool-and not do anything that would be harmful-i appreciate your concern-(you darling!)..im so glad you got the weight thing under control-cos it has alot to do w/ our feeling better about ourselves-our body image-we are women..come on-its not easy being blasted w/ the perfect body image in every magazine/movie/etc..
And i am doing SI6 again-and God knows-i loathe it too-i stopped for 2 months and just started this past week-exercise is important for women-(esp.menapausal)..yikes-important for everyone-im actually pretty active-but my snack attacks offset my good work. :confused:
Husband is still at 2 mgs-haven't heard from Sammi yet-she must be down to 2 mgs or so.
Im struggling at 3 mgs-my body wants 4 mgs-but i gotta go down for real.
It took a while for people to figure out my new moniker..but just a few hints and we'll get it..ill be watching for ya..girl!
Im vibing you back-friend..w/ lots of love..
We are a blessed lot here-such good soulful people..
I remember you in my prayers-i always send prayers to the board..i get alot of support here-and im very thankful..
Coffee time...mmmm
Have a great day-and i really appreciate the info-
ill talk to my doc..
love
ggrl

Twinlynn
11-14-2004, 08:15 AM
Dallas Alice, Lisa!! (And where is Banker??) Welcome Back, guys! We can thank Goddessgirl for starting this thread and hauling us all back on board! :wave:

I think I agree with Dallas A....that when suddenly all the new (and very welcome) posters start introducing themselves and their struggles, etc., it can be overwhelming just trying to read all the new information...and sometimes almost impossible to sit down and write the understanding and "connective" letter they deserve." (It is one thing to answer a poster's question with some short, good advice...but another thing to write a "first-timer" with an empathetic and thought-out message that says "I know what you're going through....and I'm here for you....and you don't have to feel alone in your struggle." That may seem an easy thing to write....but....when you multiply the emotional output you feel for each poster....by the number of new posters per day...that's a LOT of heartbreak for one person to commit to.

So...to keep ourselves from a kind of "emotional overload" (not to mention the time limits on each of our livess!)....we all tend to read through and focus-in on those with similar problems we can both identify with--and feel most able to help. We all "connect" for so many difference reasons (that often have nothing to do with one another's lifestyles; ie, "mother vs. non-mother" or "North vs. South" (!! LOL!), etc, etc.) Basically, we are really just choosing how many "souls" we can hope to realistically nourish!!! :angel:

Of course, this doesn't mean that I don't answer many, many other posters. But, I think, Dallas Alice, that the reasons above may help us deal with why we feel so squeamishly "cliquey" at times....when we feel unable to invest more emotion than we already are. (And thus ends "The Philosophy of Board Cliques 101"!!! :D

(And having said all that....I miss our "old group", too...and hope we stay resurrected!)

What does your doctor say, Dallas A., about the changes you are experiencing with the methadone? Does he think the emotional problems you are feeling at the moment can influence how the drug works? Do you have that illness "Sad" (I think it's called), where sufferers go into clinical depressions every year, when the sun is weakest--and shortest--in the winter sky. I knew of someone who experienced it--tho I'm not sure how it was treated.

With the memories of your brother, your (expletive deleted!!) ex-boyfriend, etc, these are real difficulties you're having to deal with. And--please excuse me--all you seasonal holiday lovers--but--I've come to believe that the entire "joyous season"--of Thanksgiving right through New Years--was a plot perpetrated by Scrooge, himself--to ensure total misery for those of who spend much of those months remembering how those holidays USED to be!! (Thanks to now-deceased family, or family feuds, or separation and divorce, wars, etc.) For about 6 weeks, we are expected to be "top 'o the world" (not to mention depleting our wallets as fast as we can get our Mastercards out). If ever a period of time was produced to specifically call on so many of us to compare ourselves to the few out there who actually DO celebrate a Hallmark Holiday each year--then, this it IT!! LOL! :D I know, I know...I'm a cynic!! But this time of year DOES remind me of lost family. And I DO enter into what feels like a Satanic contract with my hated bank to "afford" the holiday spirit!

(I have to share this funny story re. the holidays! Some years ago, my friend originally from New Orleans, who fights manic depression, suicidal thoughts, a dysfunctional family history that defines the word "dysfunctional"--but, also posseses the world's most hilarious sense of humor--was over at my sister apt. It was late October--and thinking of how miserable the holidays always were for this friend--I said something like "oh, I know how depressing this time of the year always is for you. All that "family" stuff, etc, etc." and, after a pause of about 5 seconds, my friend turned to me and said "Yeahhhh......Halloween is always a toughie for me.") :jester:

Anyway, in truth, I DO love snow, Christmas trees, sparkly lights, the beautiful NY department store windows....and holiday dinenrs with my best pal....so I don't want to sound like a REAL Scrooge! LOL! I just kinda find the forced "joy no matter WHAT" of the season a little off-putting at times!!!

Anyway, Dallas A.--I do hope you've discussed the breakthru withdrawal with your nice methadone doctor. That's important! You've done so well and it may just be a matter of a small dosage change. And, THEN...as soon as you feel better...you just hop into your car and you get yourself over to your nearest shopping center...and you just buy, buy, buy! Treat yourself (and loved ones) to everything that makes you smile!

As for your boyfriend.....ugh! Gets me mad the way your ex talks of stuff like traveling as if you WANTED to stay home. Did he ever try to truly understand addiction? I never even told my husband (separated for almost 3 years) about mine....but you can sure it would have been seen thru how it affected HIM, not me. Which is why I never told him. It would have been a "character flaw" to him, if I couldn't "just say no"!!! (Okay, okay...I do have SOME pity for him. But not much! LOL!) He was pretty darn caught up in himself.

Lisa, I wish a magic wand could just be waved over your marriage. I hear that sadddness you feel. One of the hardest things for me to accept in my marriage, was that I never felt...I guess "cherished" is the right word. That had disappeared so long ago....and just looking at other couples together, say at Christmas, choosing their tree from the street vendor from Maine...or walking down the block, each supporting one end of the tree and excitedly heading home...was enough to make me have to shove back that old "eye rain."

I could never entertain 25 people!! I salute you! :-) Up until she died, a few years ago at 96, our aunt cooked and held our family Thanksgiving--a tradition that went on for 46 years!!! It was only THAT thanksgiving--she died just before the holiday--that we'd FINALLY all agreed to have the holiday at a pretty restaurant near-by my apt. My aunt had said "Okay! I want a vacation from Thanksgiving!" LOLOL!! (And none of us knew how to cook! So...she said..."pick a pretty place and we'll have our feast THERE!" She would have liked the place we chose! :-)

My sympathies on your teeth....but at least you have got them done with! I have many great times to look forward to, when I get on the Sub...and turn my attention to these teeth!!! :eek: Like you, I will need tons of work. So I sympathize with what you've gone through. Having even one gum treatment 5 years ago, left me hding from my dentist--no matter HOW many times he phoned and left me messages at home. LOL!

Well, have a good Sunday everyone. Today will be a boring "summer to winter drawer sorting day"!! Ugh. tty soon, love, Lynn