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Scared Wife
01-11-2005, 07:35 PM
Hello All,

My husband returned from his trip two days early to surprise me. We spent the evenings having dinner & watching movies. He was biting off small pieces of his 80 mg pill, chewing it and chasing it down with orange juice. I couldn't believe my eyes. I expressed concern about him 'not taking them as prescribed', etc. He tried to pacify me by telling me he's not exceeding his daily dose. I mentioned the time release factor & told him that this worried me & asked why he was doing this. He said, "It makes everything all better..." I have a couple of questions. Maybe I'm too hopeful here, but is he trying to get me to confront him about this problem? Seems odd that he's suddenly doing this in front of me. So far, no sign of him crushing/snorting as his friend told me he is doing. Also, is chewing the pills a common method of abuse? How dangerous is this? How bad off is he? I will appreciate any input that anyone can provide about this.

Sincerely,
Scared Wife

malibubarbie999
01-11-2005, 08:28 PM
Hey Scared Wife--

Well, I'm sorry to say, but what your hubby is doing is posing a definite threat to his health. You are right -- oxycontin pills are made as a time-release tablet which slowly releases the medicine into one's bloodstream over a period of time. When the tablets are crushed/chewed/snorted this mechanism is destroyed and all of the oxycodone is released at one time which has the potential to cause some serious damage to the body's organ systems. Oxycontin (oxycodone) is one of the most potent prescription pain killers available on the market today. They are also among the most widely abused of the prescription drugs. Abuse of this drug has resulted in many untimely deaths. It slows respiration and heartrate markedly, sometimes enough to stop it all together.

If you suspect your husband is abusing this drug, have a talk with him. Prescription drugs such as oxycontin have a high potential for abuse & can damage the body & take over a person's life the same as any illicit drug can.

opiateskill000
01-11-2005, 08:30 PM
He said, "It makes everything all better..."

...

I have a couple of questions. Maybe I'm too hopeful here, but is he trying to get me to confront him about this problem? Seems odd that he's suddenly doing this in front of me. So far, no sign of him crushing/snorting as his friend told me he is doing. "It makes everything all better..." Also, is chewing the pills a common method of abuse? How dangerous is this? How bad off is he? I will appreciate any input that anyone can provide about this.


Is his statement referring to the legitamate benefits of hydrocodone or the addictive euphoria (I think it's the latter, but without hearing his tone I can't be sure).

I don't know if he's trying to get you to confront his problem (consciously, at least), but if you feel there's a problem, then you should confront it (without being mean). I know that people have chewed Oxycontins before, since it destroys the time-release mechanism. It's good that he's not finishing a pill all at once, but you should see how much he eats every time, and how often he does that. Oxycontin's pretty strong stuff, I'd keep as close an eye as possible and try to confront him acceptingly and understandingly. Good luck.

Kitten1980
01-11-2005, 09:07 PM
Maybe you could *approach* him as opposed to *confronting* him. What I mean is, try to ask him open-ended questions that let him know you care and give him an opportunity to share with you without having to be *confronted.* For example, you could ask him how it makes him feel (in relation to the reason the pills were prescribed; I am assuming for a chronic pain issue?). If it's non-confrontational and he hasn't been abusing the pills long he may come clean with you and then you can help him get help.

sue371974
01-12-2005, 07:54 AM
Chewing oxycontins is definately a way to get high because they are on a time release, so when you chew them you get the full effect right away. When I was going through some of the worst of my addiction I used to bite off pieces of oxy's when I knew that I was running low on pills to make them last longer. They are so addicting. I've been in a methadone maintenence program for four years now, and I know many people who have had to be on higher methadone doses for oxycontin abuse than people who are there for heroin. It is sad to see how many young people are coming to the methadone clinic and the majority of them are there because of oxycontin abuse.

You obviously love your husband a lot and are worried about him with good cause. I understand how hard it is to stand back and watch the person that you love do this to themselves. My husband and I were both addicted to vicodin and oxycontins, which eventually led us to heroin. Fortunately, I was able to get into a methadone clinic and get my life together. But, I watched my husband get worse and worse and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I think a lot of times people have to hit their bottom before they are really willing and want to get help for addiction. For me my bottom was heroin. . . I was addicted to the pills for over five years and that led me to heroin when I couldn't find the pills. I snorted it for about six monthes and one day when I was getting high with a "friend" and I watched her put a needle in her arm and she was telling me how much better it was to do it that way . . .I made the decision that I had to do something drastic to quit no matter what it was and I went to a methadone clinic the next day. I always said that I would never put a needle in my arm but deep down I knew that if I didnt quit it was only a matter of time because I always said that I would never do heroin either. I was hurting my family, my parents, my three children and killing myself. That was my bottom. But, no matter how much I hurt my family with my addiction or how much they begged me to get help it had to come from me...I had to want it bad enough. Believe me I understand how hard it is to be on the other side of addiction too because I watched my husband and for a long time I thought that if he loved me enough that he would get his **** together. . . that if he really cared about me and our children that he would do something about it...but what it really came down to was that he didn't care about himself. I finally realized that there was nothing that I could do to make him quit and I went about my own business and focussed on my own recovery and on taking care of my children. My husband ended up going to prison and I'm on my own now with three kids...but Im clean...other than the methadone and someday I will get off of that too when the time is right.

Take care of yourself and just remember that you can't make him stop. I hope things work out and I'll say an extra prayer for you guys.
Luv,
sue

Proward
01-12-2005, 09:27 AM
I am on my second week of quitting an Oxycontin addiciton, cold turkey. I snorted them for 1 1/2 years and was doing about 20 - 40mgs daily and upped it to about 60mgs on each Saturday and then 60mgs again on Sunday. Then, about 2 months ago, just before the holidays, I jumped up to doing about 100 - 140mgs daily.

Oxys really are the most powerful pain pills you can get. By removing the time release coating and crushing and sniffing or by chewing them up in your mouth and swalloing them, you do bypass the timerelease and a euphoric feeling hits you. If you drink alcohol with it, as I was doing, it increased it even more. The pills gave me happiness, energy, enthusiasm.

The problem is that it is physically and mentally addictive. Physcially, when you go through withdrawls from Oxys, it will literally kick your butt. Major flu like symptoms, extreme insomnia for a couple days, no appetite for several days, aches, pains, nauseau, sweats, no energy, no enthusiasm, mood swings, miserable and depressed. After a few days of this, it gets better and beter literally every hour. of course, I am speaking about my experiences. Other people have other experiences with withdrawl and the symptoms and conditions vary greatly depending on drug, amount, length of time used and personal health.

Being a husband who kept this little secret from my wife for the entire time that I was using them, I would say just talk to him about why he is doing it. I would also bring him to this board and just have him read some of the stories about what Oxys do to you and how addicitive they are and how bad getting off of them can be.

I know what it is like. I knew I had a problem but I would get them anyway cause I was addicted. I would say, "I have to quit doing these,...... just not today."

10 days clean and I feel like a new man.

Just talk with your husband. Honesty and openess. Express your love for him and your extreme concern for his health. That combination will surely open his eyes to your concerns.

Phil

windysan
01-12-2005, 11:16 AM
If he's a-chewin', he's abusin'. Best to find him some help pronto. Another good candidate for rehab.

Scared Wife
01-12-2005, 07:03 PM
Thanks for the info & advice. My husband & I are not living together right now...sadly after 7 months of marriage full of emotional/mental abuse, I've been staying with my mom. When his friend told me recently what he's been doing with these pills, a lot of things started to come together in my mind. The volatile mood swings, threats of suicide, financial irresponsbility...so it is hard to approach him due to these things, but I will make an effort to do so in a nonconfrontational manner. Thanks for the help.

Scared Wife
01-12-2005, 07:12 PM
Yes, he is referring to the 'high' when he says it makes everything all better. He is having serious financial problems and has more or less lost his business. I am now putting the pieces together. These problems as well as ours could very well be due to the oxycontin abuse. On top of this, our psychologist who we saw for marriage counseling feels he also has borderline personality disorder. One problem on top of the other. I've expressed concern about the chewing. He brushes me off & says he's only taking small pieces of the pill.

rschultz32
01-12-2005, 09:03 PM
Scared Wife-
This is my first visit to a board like this. It is only because I myself am a recovering addict (21 months clean!) that I am going to tell you what you may or may not want to hear. You see, I am the "perfect" middle-class, stay at home mom who also took up a horrible habit that led to chewing oxycontin. Your question is easily answered-anyone who sits on the couch and "munches" on an oxycontin like candy or any other yummy snack is absolutely on his way to a problem. There is no other reason that a person chews oxy other than to get it into the system faster and enjoy the feeling of it. That was the easy answer for you...the hard answer is that this problem is not up to you to solve. Your husband is the ONLY person who can make him better. My guess would be that if he is chewing 80s of oxy that he KNOWS he has a problem and to fix it is too overwhelming. Supportively let him know that he has to find the courage to let someone help him. He absolutely shouldn't detox alone, take it from one who knows, medical attention is a must! The truth is however, that, an addict will not look for any way out from under their problem until they are good and ready. Support, comfort and a sense of understanding is all you can offer to him right now-some gentle pushing towards rehab is also in order, but tread softly-oxy is incredibly powerful and will speak louder to you than his REAL voice will. Best wishes to you and him. I hope I've helped.

Scared Wife
01-13-2005, 07:15 PM
Hello Everyone,

I am so deeply touched by all of your advice and the way you have shared your experiences. Each & every reply is so deeply appreciated. I have learned so much from you and have a deep admiration for each of you. You'll never know how much it means to me - visiting this site makes me feel like I can relate my experiences to people who not only care, but have been there & understand. I hope all of you realize that I am cheering you on each day.

Yes, it all does start piecing together for me now. My husband has had his own construction company since before we met & seemed moderately successful. Just prior to our marriage, I fell for a story and paid for his suit, the airline tickets & rental car. His parents gifted us with $1,000 in travelers checks for hotels, meals & entertainment. I also paid for the dinner, cake, flowers, minister & photographer. We came home & his mood swings began within a week and progressively got worse. He'd become so absorbed in computer games & hobbies that I felt as tho I lived alone - yet if I left to visit family or a girlfriend, he resented it & let me know it. For 5 of 7 months, I paid the rent/utilities singlehandedly. There was always a 'drama' about his lack of money. It made no sense to me as he has worked some during the winter & steadily since April - even completed & was paid for a $9,000 job but has yet to pay his supplier $3400 from that job. Emotional & mental abuse worsened with the mood swings. In May he asked me to leave because of jealousy towards my family, friends & pet. I left reluctantly but asked him to consider counseling with me. He agreed & our marriage counselor referred us to a psychologist after our 3rd visit...my husband of course had a problem with her anyway ('she's a ditz'). We saw the psychologist & my husband soon labeled him a 'fraud' & quit going (I still go monthly). He now lives rent-free in a relative's house, has been working & is still unable to pay bills.

The price of these pills truly enlightens me more now & explains why his relatives have been making his truck payments for several months...& here I'd been paying the rent/utilities. I couldn't understand his financial problems...until now. Relationships with customers and vendors have also erroded during this time. Of course, the problem is always "them" - which we all know just cannot truly be the case after about 20 occurrences.

I would love to introduce him to this site in a non-confrontation way, yet fear that he would definitely recognize my letters and would not react positively at all. He would accuse me of betraying him, etc. I will really mull that idea over. Sometimes I feel like I've got nothing more left to lose & might as well go for it. Some of you say he must know he's got a problem & may even recognize the root cause of his business, finances & marriage crumbling (so far all blame has been placed on me). I so hope you're right. He does seem to be hitting rock bottom yet doesn't care yet. How much further does a person have to sink before they seek help for themselves? Just curious.

Well, sorry to ramble so much. Just wanted to give a bit more of the picture in case if any of you recognize other things. To add to my sorrow, our psychologist feels my husband likely has borderline personality disorder. I don't know if this is in addition to the addiction or just a mirror of the disorder due to the addiction. Sooooo confusing for me.

Thank you again tho for all the advice and sharing. The first thing I do when I get to my office is check this site to learn more & offer words of encouragement to others.

Sincerely,
Scared Wife

sue371974
01-13-2005, 09:10 PM
My heart truly goes out to you because I have been through so much of what you are going through with my husband and I know how much it hurts and how emotionally exhausting it is. My husband, too, owned his own business, yet we were constantly broke. He had his own carpet business and his addiction to vicodin/oxy and eventually to heroin got so bad that in the end he was actually stealing from his customers - he would get money for a job upfront - to get the supplies that he needed and than he wouldn't even get around to finishing the job because half the time he was either too busy trying to find more drugs or he was sick because he didn't have them. So, even though you think that he may have hit his bottom - it can always get worse. My husband did not stop until he was forced to stop when he was arrested. He is in prison now - he's been there for four years and as far as I know he is clean there. Of course, once you lose trust in someone it is always in the back of your mind whether they are telling the truth or not and I don't see him - so, I don't really know for sure.

It has been really hard raising my children on my own - but I can tell you this much - it is not as hard as it was living with his addiction and not knowing what he was going to do from one day to the next. I can remember seriously thinking that one day I would come home and find him dead from an overdose. . . the stress of living with someone who is using like that is usually more than anyone can bear. So, even though I'm sure you are hurting it is probably best that you two are living apart right now until he decides to come to terms with his addiction and he is the only one who can do that. No matter what you do or how much you love him - he will not quit until he is ready to quit. It took me so long to realize that even though I'm an addict myself. . . sometimes love makes you think things that just are not rationale. I really don't know if I will stay with him or if we will be together when he gets out of prison . . .I still have a lot of time to think about it and for now I am concentrating on my recovery, my children, and my career.

I wish I had some wonderful advice for you because I just hate to see anyone going through what you're going through. One thing you should remember though - You said something about him not admitting his problem and that everything is your fault.... an addict always trys to put the blame on someone else because they have to blame someone else to make themselves look better. Unfortunately, they often tend to lash out at the people who they love the most for some reason. I guess it really is true that we hurt the ones we love the most - I know I did when I was using. Maybe it's because deep down we know they are right and we just don't want to admit it when we are in active addiction. Well, in any case, I am rambling - I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and really hoping that things get better for you. Take care of yourself...the rest will work itself out one way or the other.
Luv Sue

Breen
01-14-2005, 06:40 PM
To scared wife, if you can you should try to get your husband to look at this site My girlfriend convinced me to look at this site and it feels great to know Im not alone in my struggles.

Scared Wife
01-16-2005, 09:03 AM
Hello All,

I will try to get my husband to take a look at this site. All of you have been such an enormous help to me in these past couple of weeks. I feel he's been flaunting this pill chewing in front of me for a reason. So I'll continue to express my concerns and tell him how informative this site is. He is not looking for a job that I can tell - just spends his days & evenings on his hobby. The other night he commented, "We ran the business into the ground." Boy, let me tell you - that 'we' irked me to no end. I've never had a say in any aspect of his business as to who gets hired & how much employees are paid nor have I ever even had access to his bank account. I don't even know if he's filed his taxes - have never met his accountant or seen copies of paperwork. Sue...your story sounds so much like a replica of mine. Unexplained money problems, etc. You're an inspiration to me in that you survived & have been focusing on yourself & your family. I hope I can muster up the strength to continue doing the same. It's so hard watching someone you love destroy themselves and knowing there is nothing you can do. I wish I could feel comfortable seeking some sort of help from his parents. They are financially comfortable and could easily afford any part of the rehab not covered by insurance (I know my husband will say he can't afford something of that nature). Yet I'm sure I'm the 'bad guy' in their eyes after the lies I'm certain my husband has told them. Maybe I should at least make them aware of the situation as I know it. That's another hard one to decide. In the meantime, they only continue to enable my husband with the financial support, etc., undoubtedly because he's making them feel sorry for him. So please cross your fingers for me when I try to navigate him to this web site. It's so great to have him home and to be spending time with him. I'm hoping he'll be reasonable and open-minded when I approach him with all this. Take care all - and thank you again for being there for me to lean on.

Scared Wife

marich101
01-16-2005, 04:19 PM
SW, If his parents haven't faced the realization of what is going on with their son it could be because they choose not to. And I don't mean for that to sound hateful but you cannot raise a child into adulthood and not KNOW things about them. Especially on the level that he is operating on.........businesses just don't go down the crapper for no reason, and I'm sure he feeds them full of poor pitiful me B/S. Hey, I'm the queen of B/S, it goes with the addiction.
My heart goes out to you I see myself in your posts except roles are reversed........sorry guess it just irritates me.
Marilyn

Scared Wife
01-17-2005, 07:26 PM
Hi Marilyn,

You may have a point about my inlaws. Maybe they do know due to past experiences prior to me meeting my husband. I just get so frustrated when I hear of them sympathizing & handing him money, etc. Yet I try to be nonjudgemental in that they may not even realize they're enabling him in doing so. Yes, I am sure he does feed them plenty of b/s. I'm only now learning of the b/s I fell for since I met him. Crazy as that may be, I love him still. I wish my inlaws were more approachable. They've always been a bit 'different' & distant (or so it seems). It could be that my husband keeps us all segregated from one another to avoid slip-ups in stories he tells me ("You won't believe this, another customer stiffed me") vs. what he tells them ("I don't know what to do, Mom & Dad. I had no idea I was marrying someone who was so careless with money..."). Then he tells me they 'hate' me because of what I've 'been doing' (which is merely going to work & coming home) - my guess is to make me reluctant to approach them. That's only a guess though and all this guessing is making me crazy. It's such a helpless feeling for me. Thanks for your insight and take care of yourself.

Scared Wife

CPA66
01-18-2005, 03:13 AM
Here is how I see it: I am shocked that he is eating them at all if he has already begun snorting them. What this tells me is, he is trying to prove to you that he is not snorting them. I can tell you this, once you start snorting them, no way would you waste your time eating them. One of the best signs to look for if he is snorting them is go through his wallet and look at his credit cards. If the numbers are white and the card looks unusually wore out with indentations in it then he is snorting it. That is the best way to crush a pill. You place the pill on a hard surface and then place a dollar bill on top of it and then place the credit card on top of the dollar press down hard (that is how you get the small indentation) and then push the credit card back and forth on the dollar pill while the brail of the numbers crush it to powder.

Confront him in a nice way; tell him you want control of his pills. Once he gets them refilled you should take control of them and dispense them as directed.

Hope this helps.

Gangstar
01-18-2005, 07:03 AM
You have to tell him to stop that. I'm not kidding, I just registered to this site because of Oxycontin... I reduced the dosage, but I was never prescribed, it was like a recreational drug...probably one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. To myself, family and everyone around me who loves me. I am on Vicodin 7.5mg right now, taking 2 in the morning, 2 at night--and not 1 and 1, cause Oxy is extremely strong.

I've chewed them, but snorting them is harder. I really wanna get off these..anyone have any tips/information? I know 100's of people addicted to the Oxycontin, its real dangerous and crazy!

Good luck, I hope he isn't addicted and doesnt depend on this. If I do not get off of the Vicodin and gradually go down to 1 7.5mg pill every 24 hours in 10 days, I might have to "check myself in.." to get detoxified. Although I dont think I should, I know I can take care of this problem myself...and I have to. Thats why I'm here.

GangStar

CPA66
01-18-2005, 07:34 AM
Gangstar.....It is a struggle how I got off was telling my wife. She had no idea. I would snort up to 2.5 80's a day. Three of my friends have been using for 3 years, but it was only the last year (when I started snorting them) that it got crazy. Your tolerance goes up so fast. I have quit so many times I have been through the w/d many many times. I have been doing it so many times and quit so many times that I hardly have w/d. The only symptoms I get is sour stomach, the runs and lack of energy. It only last two days. This is the same for all of my friends. Your system must get used to it, but believe me I have paid my dues! I quit last April and was doing great until June when I had the worst leg pain. The doc gave me 10mg Lorcet but the did nothing due to my tolerance. I did not want to get a scrip for anything stronger so I went else ware. I could take 5 and get know buzz and know pain relieve. The oxy worked and it worked well. It was the worst pain I ever had and it was 24/7 (sciatica) I had to have surgery and was in the hospital for 3 days. They gave me Morphine and I never felt it. After the pain went away I kept doing oxy but not as bad as before April. I bought 60 drug tests online and have my wife test me every morning. She will leave me if I come positive. She can't handle it and I understand. In a nutshell, you do what ever you have to, to quit.

Gangstar
01-18-2005, 08:00 AM
^thanks man. We are pretty much in the same boat. I havent been doing them for that long, but yes, I def. have to agree... Tollerance goes up so fast. I've done over 80mg a day, but I tried to stay at the 80. I went down to 40 and all that, then 10mg everytime pain... I think you should def. read my post, I just posted it. If you have anymore information, after reading my whole situation.. I'd def. appreciate it.

I think you will be fine, you seem very strong. Your wife loves you and you are set... I wish you the best of luck and I hope no more chronic pains come back to you, which can possibly lead to another addiction. I'm sure you'll be fine, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders, as I do.. but I ********** up, like all of us have. I'm only like 3 days clean, I have 3 80's in my room right now, I've had them for days... I had like 25, getting rid of them. When they're done, I wont get anymore. I havent done them though! Thats why I know I can quit and get better, I cant stand the pains... I cant go through the day, or even a couple of hours, with those withdrawl pains. I've also seen many many many people go cold turkey, with no $ to get any... but wow, I dont know how they do it. Doc prescribed Vicodin, I've been being careful.

Thanks for your words man, I wish you the best... If you can help out, get at my other post...See you around,

In-his-early-20's

marich101
01-18-2005, 08:28 AM
Scared Wife, Thanks for your sweet respose to my post......I thought about editing it out a couple of times. I went thru something with my son a couple of years ago and I think we as parents may deny it at first and we do so want to believe them when they tell us these outlandish stories. Throw a new cell phone in the river because DEA and FBI are calling him, makes all the sense in the world to me! His paranoid delusions broke my heart and I wish there was a happy ending to this. My son is alive and has made great strides to overcome those messed up times, he lost his best friend in all that crap and I don't think he will ever get over it and to be totally honest not sure we would have come this far, could easily still be there or worse. I guess my point was I knew there was something wrong early on but could not convince his Dad, maybe thanks to stepmom. But when you see these personality changes that are so out of character for your kids, you just have to ask yourself ....WHY?
Didn't mean to come off hateful in original post just a touchy subject
Good luck to you My Dear I wish you the best.
And take care of yourself, most addicts are only concerned with themselves
Marilyn

Scared Wife
01-18-2005, 07:36 PM
Hi Marilyn,

I did not take offense to your first reply in any way. :) I appreciate the direct honesty, even though it may not always be what you want to hear. It sounds like you & your son have travelled a rough road. As I said, my husband had me fooled with quite a few things & I was there living with him. So I'm sure it's even easier for him to pull it off with his parents considering they do not spend much time together as a family other than over the phone & even live in separate states during the winter months. Did you end up approaching your son about any discrepancies you may have found? Just curious. I try to avoid confrontations with my husband as much as possible, yet I don't feel right about allowing the lies continue...especially when I get called the liar. I really tried to find a chance to direct him to this web site last night when I went there for dinner, but the night went down the tubes rather quickly. He'd asked me to pick up milk on my way. While driving to see him in a pretty rough winter white-out, I stopped for gas & milk. In my haste, I picked up skim milk by mistake & he was the one who noticed when I got there. I admitted it was my fault for hurrying & offered to go back out to get the milk he wanted. (Please keep in mind that while I worked all day, he sat at home all day in his undies - warm & cozy.) He said no, that it was OK. He proceeded to tease me about getting the 'ditz of the day' award and being a 'goofy girl' for the mistake and I took it all with a sense of humor as usual - admitting & joking that I'd in fact been a ditz. We ordered a pizza and the next thing I know, I'm more or less being lectured (or insulted as I took it): "You can tell you don't shop much...this is something that I would've probably done as a 10 yr old when my parents sent me to the corner store..." I just looked at him and said, "I made a mistake & admit it, I apologized for it & even offered to rectify it. So why do you say it's obvious I don't shop much? This doesn't happen often. If you're upset about it, I can go back out to get what you want." The next thing I know, he's copping an attitude and accusing ME of starting a fight. Told me that I'm impossible to talk to and deal with. I couldn't believe it. These are the episodes I struggle to cope with & that keep me from living with him. I felt so tempted to pick up and leave yet I couldn't. He chewed a piece of oxy after we ate and fell asleep, only waking when I said good-night & kissed him. As I drove home, I got angry with him (& myself). I'd driven in a blizzard on terrible roads in 8 degree temperatures only to get chastised like a child over a gallon of milk. Ugghhh! Am I somehow miscommunicating with him that causes this reaction in him? Does oxy make him that way - or the lack of it? I thought I'd had a sense of humor about the mistake...yet he seemed to keep throwing digs at me. I never 'lost it' with him or anything. How should I be dealing with him? My best friend said that I am too nice to him. She doesn't seem to understand that if I'm firm or get angry, he either shuts down on me or goes into a lecture/tantrum that can last HOURS. Or even makes suicidal threats. If you see anything in my communication with him last night, PLEASE tell me. Thank you so much for the good wishes. I wish you all things well, too. I do try to take care of myself as you stated. I work at a great job and attend a favorite craft class once a week. So I'm doing my best not to let this consume me. Thank you for being a friend to me. -lfp

Moeenergy
01-19-2005, 09:40 AM
Scared Wife,
I can readily understand where your at.
I'm the husband who is the pain pill addict. My wife has been put through a olot of what you described. The redirection of anger, Starting fights over BS, claiming to be suicidal. For me at least - this was all the effects the drugs were having on me.

As for the fight he started over milk, Even the drugs didn't make me that much of a A__h___ and my wife wouldn't have put up with it, drugs or not. Sound like you have some marital issues beyond the drug abuse.
Would he consider going to some marital conseling with you and maybe use that as a spring board getting him into treatment.

A little "tough" love may be in order. He has to be the one to admit the problem and seek help.
I
will be praying for you.

Moeenergy

marich101
01-19-2005, 06:51 PM
SW
Hey Lady, How are things going? Meant to get back last night but didn't have a great day and just wasn't really up for chitchat so I opted to go to bed. As Mo eluded to, I think your husband has some anger issues, misdirected as it may be. I'm betting alot of it is more at himself but he projects it onto others because it's easier that way. I mean the milk thing come on he was really stretching to come up with that one, and after you offered to return it. But that is what we do, don't really know why possibly the guilt we feel. The therapy that Mo suggested could be a beginning, right now it's going to be difficult until he does admit he has a problem but any step forward beats doing nothing. I wish I had the answers, after years of my own pill popping and the deal with my son it is no more clear to me than it was Day 1.
As far as my son, we had numerous confrontations. Days spent having long talks and believing everything that came out of his mouth, that it was over and was never going to happen again. Nights spent getting a phone call from him that made absolutely no sense at all, the FBI or DEA following him, threatening to take his own life because he felt that he was such a disappointment to me, weeks spent wondering where he was and was he OK after I'd ****** him off about something, just ask the wrong question and it could set him off. I have never felt so helpless in my life.I don't know if it was because it was my son or if I have that gene that makes you see things the way YOU want to see them, my pill problem was nothing compared to his crystal meth addiction. The paranoia and total disregard for anyone elses feelings seemed like second nature to him. It was the age old story such a good kid until............. But thank heavens things have changed, he still deals with an alcohol problem but he's away from the drugs for now and it's been 4 years. I don't mean to trivialize the alcohol thing because I know that it's still something he needs to address,but until he's ready I can't push him. I believe crystal meth is the devil incarnate, in my 53 years there has been nothing that I have seen change a person so much. I may be more naive than I
realize, but suffering thru that with him, it has to be the worst thing out there
Keep an open heart
Marilyn

Scared Wife
01-19-2005, 07:56 PM
Hi Moe & Marilyn,

Thanks for getting back to me. Guess I just wanted to know if I do things wrong as my husband says but just fail to recognize them myself. Unbiased 3rd party opinions from everyone here have been helping to keep me level-headed (I think!). :) When my husband asked me to leave in May, I went without argument or debate to keep the peace. There's no reasoning with him at all when he's like that. He resents that I'm family oriented and did not like me stopping at my mom's to take my dog for a quick walk after work. She's elderly & walks with a cane. Having my dog with us also created serious housebreaking problems with his dog - causing him to urinate on anything & everything. So I took my dog back to my mom. I'd even adjusted my work hours starting earlier so I could leave earlier. This, too, was not seen as 'cooperating'. I felt I was being treated like a spouse who'd committed adultery or something. When we separated, I asked him to go for counseling with me & he agreed. We saw our minister who married us & is a licensed counselor. My husband told her I was selfish, inconsiderate, a habitual liar & sneak and that he strongly felt I had a serious mental or psychological disorder in addition to ADD. By visit #3, she referred us to a psychologist. At this point, I'm still thinking I'm the sick one here, in spite of reassurances from the counselor, family & friends that I'm not crazy. He saw the psychologist with me 2 times & labeled him a fraud. I have continued to go monthly by myself, hoping my husband might jump back in when he got a handle on his financial/business chaos. He went once more in November, didn't talk about our problems - somehow began talking about his sister who passed away 13 yrs ago. We sat back to let him talk. Next thing I know, he's storming out the door & then out of the parking lot 20 minutes into the appt. I reached him by cell phone & that's when he started talking of suicidal thoughts, blamed me for everything going wrong, etc. I spent what seemed like forever on the phone with him trying to reassure him of his self-worth, how much I love him, etc. To this day, he is convinced that I am the one with all the problems - all because I love my mom & try to help her a bit here & there or simply give her some of my time since my dad passed away. He also seems to resent my job & co-workers (why, I cannot tell you). He hates my friends, my family...but out of the blue will offer to do something nice for them or just talk as though he cares about them. The psychologist strongly leans in the direction of borderline personality disorder. When I learned of the drug abuse, I'd been hoping that was the key to all this & nothing more. Now I don't know if it's both or one of the two causing most of these problems. So talking to all of you helps me keep my head on straight - until I spend time with him like the other night, then I sometimes second guess myself because of things he says. Tough love is in fact next on my list. I'm so tired of shouldering blame, seeking professional help & bending over backwards to prove my love and loyalty only to get kicked in the teeth over a dumb gallon of milk. I could've maybe understood the ongoing digs over it if I had a habit of buying the wrong this or that regularly, but I don't. Based on what you've both written, maybe I should be looking at the personality disorder board in addition to this one. I cling to the things I read from each of you day to day to hang on to hope and to keep an open heart as you, Marilyn, suggest. I am trying to be understanding, loving & forgiving. The weekend is just around the corner so I will aim for my goal again...to bring him to this web site. Please keep your fingers crossed. Moe - I did get a MUCH needed chuckle from your note - it removed my feelings of guilt for calling my husband an A--H--- under my breath all the way home. And Marilyn, I'm sorry to hear you had a lousy day yesterday. I sure hope today was better for you. Regarding your son with the alcohol, he will get there. He's got a wonderful mom to guide him along when the right time comes. I hope I can be as strong as you and everyone else I've talked to here. You all inspire me so much. I hope I can do the same for you in return. Until tomorrow...
Luv,
Scared Wife

valleygurl
01-19-2005, 10:23 PM
Scared Wife, I wanted to tell you that i have been closely following your posts. My heart goes out to you!!!! I can only give you my opinion, and maybe i am wrong, but i know what i would do. It seems you love your husband so very much, however, you dont deserve the mental torment and abuse he gives to you. You have sacrificed and given so much to this relationship, from leaving willingly when he asked and still being there for him whenever he needs or wants you. You have also tried the counseling and you still continue to go even though he has no desire to go with you. Ohhhh there is just so much...... First of all, never forget the value of family, especially your mother. Life is so precious and short with no guarantees from one day to the next. I guess what i am saying is that if i were in your shoes i would completely lay all the cards on the table. Tell him how much you love him,how much you value your marriage and address the addiction. If he is not ready to get help, nor try the counseling again or even try to understand how abusive his words are to you, as well as his actions, then what do you have left? I am not trying to sound mean, but i know that I, myself, would be moving on with my life without him. You cant "fix" someone who doesnt want fixed nor can you change ones way of thinking. Sure he may very well be a compassionate wonderful man minus his addiction, but that is the key. Will or when will he admit his addiction and want help to become that wonderful man you once knew. Could be today, next week, next month or even next year. Are you willing to give up that much of your precious life to just be verbally and mentally abused and used by this man? You sound like such a wonderful person and it makes me so sad to know what you deal with from him when you deserve to be appreciated, loved and treated like a queen. You have given so much of yourself, if he is indeed the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, i pray that he comes around soon and gets all the treatments he needs and realizes how he has been hurting you, and is able to be that man you fell in love with and can once again treat you like a lady. Please, please, please, whatever you decide to do, you just make sure you stay safe, ok? Ohhhh sweetie you deserve so much more. Peace and love,

ValleyGurl

lisaaahubb
01-20-2005, 04:36 AM
S.Wife.....wow...it is good for us addicts to see the "other" side of addiction. I am a pain pill addict and my family has put up with ALOT of crap in the past year or so. Me getting on and off, on and off, results in me having a nasty attitude and i end up venting on my husband. He is not supportive at all, so i am not sure how the "tough love" thing works....he calls me a "junkie" more than he calls me Lisa...oh well, i have to lay in the bed that i have made. Does he not want to stop???? Is he tapering???? I should've read more, but i wanted to post. I feel for you, you seem like such a nice wife/woman....do you have any children together? So are you still seeing each other, but not living together??? Well stay strong, remember HE is the one that is sick, don't let him turn things around. Geeeeesh, bi****** over skim milk???? He is DAM lucky you even left your house in a snow storm. Maybe try not being so available to him. Let him sit by himself with his friend "oxy", and when all is said and done, i am sure he will see that you have soooooooo much more to offer than a stupid soul-less pill.....
Keep posting this is good for all of us to hear.
luv,
LISA

Scared Wife
01-20-2005, 07:22 PM
Hi ValleyGurl & Lisa,

OK - I'll keep posting. I just hope I'm not getting on everyone's nerves with my story and questions. All of you are doing such a wonderful job of helping me keep my head up and maintain some level of courage to trudge on. You are all so kind and caring towards one another and me. My family says the same as you. "You've been conned, used. End it and move on with your life. He's making no effort at all here." Oh, I only wish it was that easy. My brain says to do one thing and my heart says another. Every time I think I'm ready to lay my cards on the table, either something goes wrong before I get the chance or, in all honesty, I chicken out fearful of it going all wrong. Part of me says, "I didn't anticipate marriage to be like this." The other part of me recalls, "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health" as part of my vows. No, we have no children - thank goodness. One of you highly recommended I keep myself 'safe'. Well, that is yet another reason I'm staying with my mom - it's hard to explain...just sensed that with the verbal/emotional/mental abuse progressively worsening, I worried that he could just snap one day and lose control even more. He never has as of yet. But there's a first time for everything. I take it that you saw some danger signs as well?

Within weeks of our wedding, he seemed to change right before my eyes. No interest in spending time with me when I'd come home from work. No interest in going to visit anyone, not even his friends. I recall our 3rd Saturday night as man & wife. He'd become obsessed with free downloads (games, etc) online. It was after 8pm & when he popped downstairs to get a drink, I asked him if he'd like to curl up on the couch with me to watch a movie. The response I got cut like a knife: "What do I have to do, go out and get you a Frank doll to sit beside you?!?!" Such anger and hatred in those words. He started complaining about noise from my hairdryer in the mornings - even tho I dried my hair in the downstairs bathroom. I was lectured about my lack of consideration. I made sure I closed the bedroom door when I'd get up and made sure the downstairs bathroom door was closed as well before starting my hairdryer. Another Saturday, I asked if he'd mind if I ran the sweeper downstairs. He said no problem - so I did it. When I finished, I unplugged the sweeper and took it upstairs. Finished cleaning up there, came downstairs & he was sitting on the couch just GLARING at me. I asked what was wrong and was told that I'd only asked to run the sweeper downstairs, not upstairs. Geez - hard man to live with or what! I downplayed these incidents and tried to look at the matter objectively..."OK, we're going thru an adjustment getting used to living together. This will all work out with time..." Next thing I know, all I'm hearing about is that he cannot make money around here, everyone screws him over...customers don't pay & employees jerk him around... I paid all the pertinent bills that I could afford to. I'd worked for YEARS to build a fairly sizeable nestegg for my income level...it dropped 50% in 5 months. I'd made nice flyers for his roofing business and would take walks with my dog to drop them into newspaper boxes...only to be told it was a stupid concept that would never work, a total waste of time. I'd hang a couple of business cards on bulletin boards here & there only to be told I was wasting business cards. In February, he accused me of sabotaging his business. It goes on and on.

I NEVER suspected a problem with his oxycontin...he was always cutting on one of his employees who had a drug problem & never showed the least bit of compassion or empathy for the man's problems. Guess it was a good way to keep me off track with him. So when his friend informed me recently of the abuse and then he started chewing the oxy's right in front of me, lots of things started to fall into place in my mind. I feel so deceived by him...and the funny part is that he accused ME of marrying him under false pretenses. Wow!!! I've never hurt anyone in my entire life but this is what my 'husband' thinks of me?!

Well - I babbled long enough (again!). For anyone out there who's curious & considering giving oxycontin a try for recreational purposes, PLEASE - read the posts on here. It's just not worth it - way too much to lose. All of your loved ones will be hurt but, worse yet, you will be hurt, too. If you have a problem presently & are new to this board, you are in the company of some wonderful people here who are honest and caring. I truly feel that everyone here is an angel :angel: & that I was directed to these angels for help, insight and guidance. All - have a wonderful evening. You are all in my prayers.

Luv,
Scared Wife