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View Full Version : Need help dealing with wifes lortab addiction


cisaacs
02-16-2005, 07:34 PM
To start I have been maried to my wife for 10 years and with her for 12. I have always given her total freedom and never tried to control her life in any way. the reason I want to say that is that her mother and father pretty much gave her away to her grandparents (along with the rest of the family doing the same with there kids) when she was young. There is a total of 5 kids which are all adults now living with there grandparents except when they needed the kids for wellfare money, foodstamps, and frequent trips to quack doctors that would write any rx script the parents wanted. The kids all called their grandparents mom and dad because they raised them. I met my wife when she wass 14 and I was 18. I am now 30. Her entire family use meds in some way or form, now all the kids do to. For the last year our marriage has been going south. She would go from happy to cussing and treating me and our 3year old son like crap in a matter of minutes. She would get out of bed around noon and leave till late that night. I am a paramedic and work 24 hour shifts along with being highly involved with our volunteer fire department as a training officer and spend a lot of time involved in activites. I was thinking that her downward actions and leaving all day was retaliation for me staying involved in so many activities. Last week I found multiple reciets for filled prescriptions of lortab. She was also spending extremly large amounts of money with out being able to acount for it. All the signs was in place but I guess love is blind and I could not see it. It took several hours to get her to admit to the problem. To skip ahead today is day 6 clean. I have had an terrible time dealing with all the lies. I have trusted her for 12 years with no question and now this had devestated me. I have not been able to eat since for the entire 6 days. I have stood by her 100% throught this being strong for her to get her through this. I love her more now than ever before and it almost seems as if I have a brand new wife. She was 100% ready to do whatever it took at first but now she is questioning me and my ideas about getting through this. We have beaten the chemical addiction but dont know how to beat the emotional pain. I love her more than ever now but at the same time hate her for what she has done to me and herself. My gut tells me that since all her friends and family she hung with are heavy addicts and was the ones that told her it would not hurt her and was the suppliers that I need to keep her from them to reduce the risk of this happening to her again. Several of them made a great deal of money of me since I am the one working and kept giving my wife the money that she spent on the pills. Am I going to push her back to it by trying to keep her from her family and away from the sources and the temptations? She keeps telling me she understands my feeling but she wont look me in the eye when we are talking about it. I feel that she wants to stay of them but I am scared that if she went back to it I could not handle another round like this. There is no way to descibe how I am feeling about this situation. Sorry for rambling on. My real questions are how do we adress the problem with her going back around her family which helped start the problem and how do I mend my broken heart and deal with all these bottled up feelings that are tearing me apart inside. Please help me. besides our son she is the most important thing in my life and I am scared I will loose her again after I finally got her back from the addiction which had consumed her life.

cisaacs
02-17-2005, 10:03 AM
There has been a lot of people read this topic but no response. We are on day seven clean and she is starting to feel better. She is wanting more freedom to get out on her own now and it is getting harder for me to except her walking out the door by herself. If anyone has an opinion on how we need to get through this please help because I really don't have anyone to talk to about this problem. Any opinion will be appreciated no matter what it is I just need feedback from someone. Please help us get through this.

windysan
02-17-2005, 10:10 AM
Hey there. It looks like she is having success beating back the physical addiction. The psychological addiction is the hardest to beat.....and it's for LIFE. Narcotics Anonymous (or AA) for her and Al-Anon for you. If she relapses you might want to consider sending her to treatment as it is "AA/NA boot camp". Addict lie and your wife is an addict. AA/NA will teach her how to live honestly. Keeping her away from other addicts isn't your job. Ultimately it is HER decision to stay clean. Al-Anon will help you with understanding this bit. Good luck !!

julzb25
02-17-2005, 10:13 AM
first of all, she is soooo lucky to have you. my husband is wonderful also and has helped me tremendously through my recovery from xanax addiction. i used for 3 1/2 years hardcore. i had to stop. i was putting myself at risk constantly and knew i was gonna end up getting into more trouble than we could handle and afford. as for the emotional pain, and going around her family again...i think you should probably trust her. i mean does she really want to lose you and go through this again? her answer will probably be no. but dont threaten her,it might make her more stressed out. also , when i went through it, my husband told me how proud of me he was. all the time, every day. when things get better, i'm sure you'll find that your relationship is much stronger. having kids, being married, etc. all bring you closer, but dealing with addiction together, tops all of these things. also, i think you said you have a 3 year old, ask her if she'll do it for the child. i have an 8 year old who had no idea,but,if it continued, i'm sure he would've found out when mommy was in jail or dead. well, hope i've been of some help.

julz :angel:

cisaacs
02-17-2005, 02:01 PM
We have came to a understanding about dealing with her family that I believe we are both comfortable with. We are going to start out slow with visits from them in our home which will tell us if they really care about her enough to come see her instead of her going to them. The visits and ability to go to there home will increase as time goes. I have good parents that she has had trouble dealing with for years, the reason being is she has never really been here for us in the entire marriage and has never seemed to appreciate anything that was done for her and has never taken responsibility for her actions and everyone sees that stuff and builds an opinion of it. The problem with pills has definitly added more to doughts that she will ever be a good wife in everyones eyes and when I try to talk to her about working through it and changing everyones opinions about her by proving herself she blows up ans says she knows she messed up and that should be enough and she does not want to hear anything from family about it. She acts like it will just go away but it won't till she faces the consiquences of her actions. She wont look me in the eyes when talking and is constantly not showing any signs of taking responsibilty of her actions she has done. I feel before she can go on with her life she needs to be strait with everyone exscpecially the ones that are willing to help her through it but before they are willing to help she will have to put forth the effort to prove she wants the help and accepts that she has done wrong by herself and put herself along with the life of her son in danger. she does not seem to want to accept any critisism from anyone which I have found out with me is the way I have worked through all the hurt of the whole thing. I dont want to drive her away but I am not going through this again. If this happens again it will be because she went through me to get it. Any opinions? She says myself and our son is the most important thing in her life but she is not showing us at all. Need help because I don't want to loose her again. I just got her back.

Detan
02-17-2005, 02:22 PM
I think you are dealing with this wrong. She does NOT need critizism now from you OR others. She needs support. Everyday tell her how proud you are that she is clean etc. The mental cravings are going to be with her for a long time. She needs encouragement everyday from you and don't you involve other family members! I have my doubts that she is really clean....
Detan

julzb25
02-17-2005, 06:18 PM
i agree. you should be able to vent here too. good idea about her family visiting in your home. take it slow. you have all the right ideas. i had to be without pills for 5 months in order to admit my wrongdoings when i was on xanax. give her a bit more time. this sober thing is still new to her too. she'll make it and so will you. both of you be strong for your child. it sounds as though you are. has she tried looking at this site yet. ive only been on here a couple of days and it has helped me relax naturally a bit. hearing other people have problems with basically the same thing helps. also hearing how similar alot of the stories are helps too. i also have a best friend that was addicted to hydros that i can talk to. it helps,as corny as it sounds it does help. well, hope you get something from this.

p.s have you told her yet that you're proud of her. just try it. later, after this is over she'll be glad you said that during all of this. by the way, we're all proud of you for dealing with this. she'll tell you that later. i do my husband. :angel:

cisaacs
02-17-2005, 07:13 PM
I have told her every day a buch of times how proud I am of her. Every step we take I let her know how much it means to me for her making it that far. I am supporting her in every part of this. I want to be a crutch when she needs it. I have told her I am no longer behind her I am now beside where my view is not blocked anymore and in front of her to block the source when needed. it seems like a fine line between tough love and being overprotective. I know she needs total support now but for the last year my life has been living h!!!!LL and I am getting so mentally exausted. It may just be me being selfish but I really need support behind me to keep me going to. It is so difficult to explain how after 12 years of love and devotion through all the years and taking all the mental abuse I endured for the past year how I feel now. The trust between us was so great that I would of never thought this in a million years from her. Sorry for babbling on my mind is just so confused and mixxed up with all these emotions. I am just hurting so bad and have noone to talk with about it because noone I know has been through this and if you havn't been through it you would not understand any of the emotions I am experiencing. On a better note she told my parents tonight and they have been very accepting a supportive about it offering any help they can at any time. I believe this has helped her knowing they are not thinking down on her about it. I have a great family but they have never been through anything like this but they helped a lot just by excepting the problem and showing us they are here for us. Thanks for all inf everyone is offering it is helping a lot.

julzb25
02-17-2005, 07:29 PM
good job. you are doing all the right things and that's all you can do right now. as for her telling your parents, that was great. now it's all out in the open. my mom had never gone through anything like this either or known of anyone who had. but, surprisingly she was also very supportive. as for the mental abuse i put my husband through alot of it. mostly just the worry cause i would go out 3 hours away when my supply here ran out just to look for them. i know that had to be hard. i feel so bad for putting my family through all of this too but it took me a long time to realize where i was wrong and took me even longer to admit it. i was sarcastic any time someone would mention it. it just hurts and i know you guys hurt just as bad. poor things. i feel so bad for you right now. take care of yourself and i will be watching for you to post again. :)

feelbad
02-18-2005, 05:08 AM
I know what you are going through and what your wife needs right now is YOU.i know from experience the medics long schedule and being on call for your fire dept.I also know of the responsibilities of the CTO.You state that you are mentally exhausted right now,I think it is time to turn off the fire pager, put it in the charger and place it in the closet for awhile.take a leave from your fire dept responsibilities until you both start to get better.Do you have an asst TO on your dept or are you IT?Either way, you cannot be totally there for your wife when you are still active.take a personal leave for about a month or so as your wife needs to know that she comes in a little more important than the fire dept right now.you both need to get into some sort of a counseling program so you can work through all of those pent up feelings that you are carrying around with you 24/7.believe me when I say that even though she wants to get better, it is a very long road and she is going to need you now more than ever before.she may try and push you away but you need to stand your ground and let her know that no matter what,you are totally there for her right now.i can guarentee you that she is hating herself and what she has become because of her addiction,you need to make her understand that she is loved and wanted aand that she is not a bad person.when I was in the throws of addiction, i totally hated myself for what I was doing but you continue to do it as you feel rather worthless to anyone and that makes you feel much more depressed so you of course, do more pills to try and make yourself feel better.It is a horrid cycle that will keep repeating itself until she starts to feel that she is once again worthy of your love.I know this is hard,but doing all that you can right now to show her that she really matters and that she WILL get through this is of the utmost importance.You really need to go to an alanon meeting to really try and understand where she is at in her head.You will be talking with other people who are in your same situation,what could be better than that right now?Please don't give up on her.The only reason that she cannot look you in the eyes right now is that she is soooo incredibly ashamed of herself and does not feel like she is really worth seeing.Please do everything you can to try and help her through this.You sound like such a caring and loving husband,she is very lucky to have you in her life.Good luck and hang in there.Marcia

Guitar Lover
02-18-2005, 08:03 PM
I was married for ten years and my wife went on a cocain binge. She swore and promised that she had quit time after time but then she would go missing for a day or so . I loved this woman with everything I had I treated her like a queen. She did nothing but destroy herself and me. I gave her chance after chance and all she did was take advantage of my kindness. She then found a man who would do coke with her when I wouldn't. I finally caught her one night. It totally ruined my life she was a monster with a sweet little mask on. Be careful. You know as I knew the real truth about this woman. If you really want to give her chance after chance and she is worth all of the pain then go for it. But the day you realize that she is a liar and nothing else you better be ready to turn your back and walk away. Only yuu will know when its time. Many people tried to tell me what I am telling you and I stayed in denial for almost a year. I did not desearve the treatement this worthless woman put me through and I doubt that yiu do either. I know this isn't the poor poor girl post most want to see but this is my honest heart ripping reality. It isn't pretty is it?
Good Luck

GL

Toribelle
02-18-2005, 08:40 PM
Whoa okay - how's that for both sides of the story? Head spinning? Mine is. Maybe that's withdrawl - or my cold. Or the hour I just spent playing Champions RTA with my husband.

Something to remember is that addicts DO have a lot in common. We all will compromise our integrity and our core values for our addiction - but we are NOT all the same. Feelbad's post is about a good person that has a bad disease. Guitar Lover's is about a person who's core values never seemed to be so great in the first place. Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater here. I feel awful for what you have gone through Guitar Lover - but that isn't every addicts story. I love my husband more than pills - more than anything. I will quit for me - and get to be my best for him. His unconditional love is my life force right now and I promise you with that I can beat this. I will not let some stupid beast called addiction take this man away form me. I'm sure that there are MANY like me - that want nothing more than to stop and be the best spouse and parent possible. I have lied to him and I have kept things from him - but I've come clean and he knows that the real me hates to lie and the real me would walk ten blocks to take $10 back to the cashier who I just realized gave me too much change. He also realizes that the same woman in the throws of addiction would take percocet from her grandmother's cabinet without a seconds thought. Okay lots of thought - but nothing would keep me from doing it. What your wife did to your marriage is a crying shame - but what she did was destroy herself - not you. (Although I know you suffered) What she hated is herself - not you. It was all about her - none of it was about you. I realize this all effected you - but what I eman is that there was no control on your part. Nothing you could say or do to change what was happening in her mind and body.

To cisaacs - you are one strong and wonderful man. Keep it up - Feelbad's post was just right on target - take that advice and get through this. She's going to slip and slide - don't lose hope - I can tell you form her point of view - I want NOTHING more than to be better and to be the best wife for my husband. I'm sure your wife feels the same way. Wanting to be perfect wives and mothers and career followers is part of what got a lot of us here in the first place!

Tori

feelbad
02-19-2005, 04:17 AM
GL, i really do feel for you and the hell you went through but not every person with an addiction is "bad".this all comes down to the character of the addict not nessescarily the addiction.While addiction does make you do things you never would have thought of doing, just how it all plays out depends greatly on the addicts value system before the addiction perpetuates itself.I am a very caring and morally good person who would go through hell and back(and have many times) to save another,but my addiction made me do really stupid and hurtful things to people i really care about the most.It sounds like your wife did not have a good moral outlook before this addiction took hold.And listening to the way you speak of her,it sounds like you might have helped this addiction along with a very judgemental additude toward your wife.I was not there so I cannot say what kind of person your wife was before the addiction started,but doing certain things and not doing certain things while in an active addiction,really depends on the person themselves as to just how far they will go to obtain what they need to 'survive".While my addiction made me do things that I never would have done before it, i still had some limitations on how far I would have gone to obtain my drug of choice.I mean i never would have like murdered someone or physically hurt someone to get my DOC,and i never would have slept with someone else to get it,and i never forged any Rxs but i did bring on alot of emotional pain by letting the people down who love me and by betraying there trust in me.basically, it depends on the person, not always the addiction itself that determines just what you do during the "active"phase of their addiction, you know?Marcia

jessy28
02-19-2005, 07:00 AM
I feel for you. But honestly there is a lot more to deal with other than just getting her off the pills. In order for her to probably stay off of the drugs she has to totally want it and then she needs to reverse a lot of the ideals and thinking she grew up learning. We can all treat the result but if we do not treat the cause then success is minimal. Good luck.

Narine
02-19-2005, 08:57 AM
After reading your posts, I can tell you you're not alone. I've been around the block you're on hundreds of times. My hus. is currently on a methadone program (abt. 2wks now) for opiate addiction. this isn't his first go around with addiction, which I consider a disease. It's cunning, baffling and insideous. It has no distinction for sociological classes, i.e., poor, rich; educated, uneducated. And most of all, non-addicts I don't think will ever understand fully the trials and tribulations of someone suffering from this horrible disease. Knowing that and accepting it however is a learning process. You may consider Al-Anon, I did and was helped considerably with the anxiety of him walking out the door. I found out it's not my responsibility to keep him clean; it's his. The more I tried to help him, the worse the disease progressed to my dismay. Now, after many many many years, about 14 to give an estimate, I get it. It's not my job to set up people, places and things to keep him clean. It's his job to choose that lifestyle and work HARD to stay clean. And hard it is, I'm sure. I love him, hate the disease. I don't trust him probably won't for a long long time, if I decide to stay again, which is also my decision to make; stay or go. Good luck to both of you, just keep on trying, it's supposed to get easier.

Guitar Lover
02-20-2005, 07:38 PM
Feelbad

I didn't say all addicts are bad if I did please copy the quote for me.
Yes I was and am bitter but Feelbad why does everyone but the addict get blamed for their behavior?????????????? You said I helped her along No I tried to give her love and understanding( the kind you talk about all the time) the attitude that "it can't be her fault, she's sick and doesn't know what she's doing" BULL CRAP. When I was active I knew every scam I pulled to get more drugs. Come on who are you fooling but yourself? Don't think I don't know about addiction because after she left I fell into the pits of hell and self abuse. But because I was in active addiction, it couldn't have been my fault isn't that right?????????????? I don't think so. The biggest problem I see here is the fact that no one will take responsibility for their actions.

I know most of you here have huge hearts and are caring peope. Its obvious in the posts. I just want people to admit that some people are beyond help and selfish. I knew long before it was over that it was over and I don't want to see anyone else go through all the useless effort if its already over. thats all.
here is the poor GL pitch. I planned my whole life around her built a house and everything else that goes with it. She chose to throw it all away after 10 years I can't excuse that.

This is the first time I have ever even talked about this I don't know if I feel better or the same.

Cisccas I hope you can win her over believe me. Being alone is no fun just be smart. Im sorry my post was so bitter but your situation just took me back in time. You and only you willl know what to do when the time comes.

GL

Trust is king in a marrage or relationship. Once the trust is gone well.......................

feelbad
02-21-2005, 04:20 AM
GL, if you would reread my post, I said exactly the same thing as you.There are truely some very selfish people out there who when they are ina ctive addiction, don't give a rats a** as to who they hurt or how.What I said was that the value system that you have before the addiction takes hold, will very much determine just how it will all play out.I DID and DO take full responsibility for my addiction and I really saw nowhere where I stated that it wasn't anybodys fault.We all need to take responsibility for the things we do.everyone.if more people did that,this world would be a much better place.I am sorry about what you went through with your wife GL,I really am.It sounds like your wife put you through hell.I am very relieved to know that dispite all that you have had to deal with, you came out on top.I really wasn't trying to **** tou off,really.Just trying to make a point.Marcia

julzb25
02-21-2005, 07:12 AM
guitar lover, i agree with you. there are some really selfish people out there who don't care who they hurt. my step moms one of them. she's been on every different kind of pill you can imagine for over 20 years now. my fathers an alcoholic and they are really close to losing their kids(my brothers and sisters). they are both so incredibly selfish that when they lose their kids, i'm sure all they'll do is party. so ridiculous. watching them is another thing that helped me staighten up. as for this guy, we'll only know what his wifes intentions are as they happen. this poor guy knows as much about her intentions as we do and that's sad.

beckjode
03-06-2005, 06:46 AM
I am glade your wife admitted tothe addiction before it was to late, my husband just passed from a self inflicted gunshot wound because a simple bottle oflortab four years ago led to an increasing number of prescriptionjs which docters just kept giving. Once addicted to the pain killers that wasn't doing the trick anymore so he went to street drugs pot cocaine and crack. My statement for you is be direct I was not I had trusted my husband of 23 years up until the last year which I had comfronted him the day before he went missing he admitted but then left and was missing for a week until he was found dead. Be direct with your wife about all involved be supportive but don't be blind it could cost you everything you cherish inlife i know! So does my three kids I am a widow now at 42 (never thought this would happen) You said in your article that you noticede a lot of money missing well got news for you lortab is very cheap 5.00 to 7.00 a bottle of 30, so my question are you sure that street drugs are not involved? I hope they are not. Yes you must get counseling before you could ever be able to trust her again. If you do love her and she is willing to seek treatment make sure she devulges all secrets that is the only way to start fresh. Do whatever it takes and realize the road will be bumpy but well worth it i guess never got the chance to know. About her family my husband had similar family setting and the letter he left for me when he passed talked about not being able to get his childhood out of his head. Please seek counseling from a professional on this subject not friends and family that is why they are professionals. I hope all goes well with you and your wife may you lead a wonderful long and happy life togather. As for me I miss him more each day if i learned one thing from this USE THE DIRECT APPROACH even if it hurts.

Lonely widow of lortab addicted husband.
Who for twenty years was a devoted christian man wonderful father and loving husband.

123wanttoknow
03-07-2005, 06:48 PM
Don't forget YOU, you take care of youself first, get some help through your employers employee assistance program for spouces dealing w/this drug problem, then your kids. Don't let them fall on the back burner, if you have to tell her to clean up or get out, it's tough love but it worked for me, the last 10 years. All is good now!!

123wanttoknow
03-07-2005, 06:51 PM
Don't forget YOU, you take care of yourself first, get some help through your employers employee assistance program for spouses dealing w/this drug problem, then your kids. Don't let them fall on the back burner, if you have to tell her to clean up or get out, it's tough love but it worked for me, the last 10 years. All is good now!!