PDA

View Full Version : Found A Pill Case


Scared Wife
04-13-2005, 07:42 PM
Hi Everyone,

I am oh-so disappointed. Today is my husband's b-day. I took him his cards & gifts (the gifts were actually bought for Xmas but he doesn't like Xmas so I saved them). He opened the cards & kissed me after each one but said he wanted to wait to open the gifts until the weekend. Reason being is that he didn't buy anything for me for my b-day in Feb. and wants to get something for me as well so we can celebrate our b-days over the weekend. Next thing I know, it's 7:30 & he's out like a light. By the way, his drastic insomnia seems to have taken a drastic turn in the opposite direction. Now he can't seem to keep his eyes open past 8-9pm regardless of what day of the week it is.

When I dropped my lighter on the floor, I reached down to find it under the coffee table. Guess what I found? A pill case. Since he was sleeping, I took it in the upstairs bathroom to have a look. There were 3 different kinds in there. One is a long, blue pill with a "V" on one side and a 4-digit number on the other (valium maybe?). There were 3 pills that said GG on top and then 225 or 229 below it. (I wrote them down but can't find the paper now). There was also a real tiny one similar to the color of an Advil, but only about a third of the size. Do any of you know what these pills could be?

At 9pm, his homeless friend waltzed through the door without even knocking. The house was dark & I didn't know he was coming - so it scared the heck out of me when the door opened & some guy walked right in. Suddenly, my Mr. Wonderful woke up and seemed all bright-eyed & bushy-tailed...talking away. Needless to say, I just left. As I left, he asked if I wanted to come to his job site tomorrow for lunch. I told him to call me near lunch time and I'd see how my work day is going.

I have no intention of going to meet him for lunch. He's back to acting bizarre. It hurts my feelings that I can show up to acknowledge his b-day to show him I love him & care about him, only to watch him nod off but wake right up for his wonderful friend. Especially after I tried to call him twice after work to see how late he was working & my calls conveniently landed in his voice mail. The same deal last night after my craft class...2 calls, 2 voice mails and here all along he was sitting there yakking away with his friend & couldn't at least pick up for a brief conversation - if for no other reason, to see if I'd gotten in touch with his oral surgeon as I'd been tasked to do. However, he did call me this morning while I was on my way to work.

I don't know what this game is even called anymore. I did ask about the pills before I left - he claims they are his mom's. She's been out of state since November so who's he kidding? They weren't there when he moved in at that time.

Anyhow, I'm very heartbroken & disappointed in so many more ways than just one. Thanks for listening & letting me vent. All I wanted was to give him a Happy B-day.

I hope all of you are doing well with your battles against addiction. I wish this was more than a message board because I could really use a hug and I'm sure some of you could use a hug today, too.

Luv,
Scared Wife

Travis420
04-14-2005, 03:03 AM
Scared Wife

It is defently pain pills and valium you found. I'm not sure of which kind of pain pills he has, but my guess is, there are probably strong ones like percs or oxy's. About that friend of his, does he have the key to your house? If so then change the lock cause if you do suspect him of being your husban's dealer that could spell danger for you when things get out of hand. The last thing you need is a hit man running after your husdand's friend, you know what I mean? Just be carefull and don't let them control your household. Well anyway sorry to hear about your sistuation and I hope he finds the help he needs.

Travis

valleygurl
04-14-2005, 03:38 AM
scared wife, I am so sorry for your hurt and pain. Just know that i am sending many hugs your way!!!!! However, finding the pills really isnt a surprise to me. Addiction is a very hard thing to beat. Look at the many of us here that quit just to start right back up again.

Now without seeing the pills, but from your description of them and my experience.....the blue pill you spoke of is most likely hydrocodone (vicodin,lortab,lorcet,norco) you get the idea, right? The second pill you described i am not sure right off hand. But the third pill.......most definately sounds like an oxycontin.

Maybe someone else on here might have a different opinion, but i am speaking of my experience and the pills i have seen and am familiar with. I would write more but i have to get the kiddos up and ready for school! Good Lord.....here we go....the day starts once again!

Love, Valley

lisaaahubb
04-14-2005, 04:37 AM
Oh my gosh, Scared Wife.....this is why this dam disease is so dam baffling...
The pills i am pretty sure are valium, ,maybe vicodin- i know the larger strength come in blue.....
The last pill you described is definitely OXY.......
Well, if he is still using, you know what you need to do. As much as it hurts you to walk away again, you gotta do it for your own sake. When he uses, he takes too much out on you, you can't keep up with that.
I hate to say this, but you are too dam good for him, and he isn't ready to QUIT pills......he isn't going to stop until HE HAS HAD ENOUGH OF THE MADNESS. No matter what you or anyone else says to him, it just won't sink in until HE IS DONE with pills.
I feel so dam bad for you, i wish i could meet you for lunch, give you a big hug and we could eat and shop our sorrows away....LOL LOL
Hang in there, what are your plans from here.....i will try to look up those pills for you if you can find that paper that you wrote the info down on that would really help.
I just have a real bad feeling he is back to his old tricks again.
Make a new plan, and stick to it, no matter what he says or does, hey i would **** test him today....he claims you can do it ANYTIME, right??? Now is the time girl. I bet he would freak out and not do it....
Hang in there, i am here for you, and so can relate to the way he treats you. You are too good for him, although i know how much you care about him. The drugs change us addicts, and not in a good way. And, as you can see, it affects everyone around them as well.
Stay strong, are you going to confront him???? Pee-test???? Let me know.
I am here for you....
Love,
LISA

whatswrongwme
04-14-2005, 08:07 AM
Scared Wife,

We are both walking on the same road. It's funny, but when I read your post I am horrified at the way he is treating you, yet I am going through the exact same thing! I am probably not the best person to receive advice from, but I want you to know that I am currently going through the EXACT SAME SITUATION. And I am thinking of you. I am hoping to go to my first Al-anon meeting on Friday, so maybe then I will have some wisdom to pass on from the meeting.

Please post back.

P.S. In a weird similarity, my husband's Valentine's Day gifts are still sitting in his office. He said that he wanted to wait until "the gift that he ordered for me came in". I guess it got lost in the mail.....

Scared Wife
04-14-2005, 08:16 AM
Hi Again,

What would I do without all of you? You are all such a wonderful support system for me. I can't thank each & every one of you enough. I really appreciate all of you helping me figure out what these pills could be. I know I can always rely on you for truthful assessments. :)

Travis, at the present time my husband is living in his parents' house while they are in FL - and I've been at my mom's since last May due to the verbal/mental abuse I was enduring. So this 'friend' of my husband's poses no direct threat to me. However, the house is in a private community and I can only begin to wonder what the neighbors are thinking when they see this guy slinking in & out of the house after dark with his trash bag full of belongings. Especially, after the neighbors have found me sitting outside on the steps waiting for my husband to get in from work on more than one occasion - usually with a box of chicken for dinner. A few weeks back, the one couple next door spent quite a bit of time talking with me and mentioned how happy they were to see that my husband & I were spending time together, that they were sorry to hear we were having troubles and were keeping our fingers crossed for us. I'm sure they wondered, though, why I didn't have a key or why a door wasn't left unlocked for me, etc. Yet here's this guy wandering in & out. Based on our conversation, it seemed to me that they'd figured out that something about my husband was the primary source of our problems. That came as a surprise to me because I thought for sure I'd earned the reputation of the 'bad guy' and here these people were nothing but warm and friendly towards me. Your concern about this guy bringing trouble is one of the things that caused problems between my husband and me when we did live together. I was finding out that people with terrible reputations were coming & going from our condo - always while I was at work. I'd mentioned concerns of someone stealing from us, etc. It finally got to the point where I expected the police to come crashing through our door at any point in time for something my husband may have been directly or indirectly involved in. I was told I was ridiculous & paranoid.

Thank you Valleygurl & Lisa for the much needed hugs. I send oodles of hugs back to both of you as well. I am so hurt because it seems as though my gifts & efforts were anything but appreciated. And that after traveling to him to spend time with him on his 'special day', I got to sit there only to watch him sleep...until his friend came in. What a stab in the heart. It felt like such a slap in the face to me.

He wants to celebrate our b-days this weekend. I just may show up with a last minute additional gift for him...the drug test. I wonder if his 'friend' asked him about the unopened presents that were sitting there? And, if he DOES call me (any minute now) about me traveling yet again to his job site to meet for lunch, I'm not going. I can't afford to be wasting my gas anymore. For the past week every time I've driven to see him, he nods off by 8 or 9 pm. A drastic change from the previous weeks of insomnia, which made me wonder if he was using something again. I left work early Monday to take him to the dentist, was blown off on Tuesday and then there was last night. I'm getting to worn out from these games he plays.

Valleygurl, you said to look at the many of you who have quit and started using again. I have a deep respect for each & every one of you, believe me. The compassion I feel for what all of you endure can't even be put into words. My deepest respect is due to the fact that all of you can admit you have a problem and that you do try hard to beat it. My husband has not admitted to snorting the pills...yet mentioned his severe runny nose & sneezing, which I've learned here is a side effect of snorting. A co-worker said it almost sounds like he mentions these withdrawals & side effects to see if I comment on them...to test my knowledge...and she felt that I should mention what I know in a nonconfrontational fashion, "Yes, I read where people who've snorted oxycontin and quit had that same type of problem..."

I do not intend to see him tonight. I'm going to mow the yard - it's good therapy for me. :) At some point, I am going to confront him AND test him. He's more concerned with his buddies anyway, so I doubt I'll be missed.

Thanks again for the heads up on the pills. I guess I already knew in my heart they weren't the 'allergy' pills he 'thought' they might be. Please help me keep my head on straight once again. I, too, wish we could get together for a nice lunch or dinner and just yak the night away. I'm too broke to 'shop'! lol Love you guys! Please right soon.

Luv,
Scared Wife

whatswrongwme
04-14-2005, 08:37 AM
I just wanted to let you know that I also understand the sleeping thing, until a "friend" needs something. It's like they don't want to let their friends down, but to hell with you.

Again, I can only give you my support, thoughts and prayers. I also mow the lawn for therapy, well and also because my husband doesn't do it, however, I am jealous because since the pregnancy, my doctor won't let me. I had to hire a kid to do it. But I love doing yard work! I will let you know about the Al-anon meeting if I am able to go.

Scared Wife
04-14-2005, 09:17 AM
Hi Whatswrongwme,

Thank you for your notes. I'm sorry to hear that we have so much in common. I guess it's not supposed to irritate us at all to see our husbands go above & beyond the call of duty for a friend but, like you said, to hell with us. I probably wouldn't even be as offended as I am if this were actually what I would describe as a 'good, true friend'. These people turn up sporadically after years of no contact - and always with a 'need' that surpasses anything that any of my friends would even dream of asking for.

This 'friend' turned up like a bad penny out of the blue last March...in need of a ride to KY to salvage his belongings from his apartment that HE abandoned. The landlord was threatening to pitch everything...all because when his other friend went with him on a cruise, instead of going home from Louisiana, he took a detour here to OH and then found himself stranded here. In the meantime, I'm the only one pulling in a paycheck & keeping our bills paid while my husband sits on his duff in his underwear playing video games all day...and I'm supposed to feel sympathy & compassion towards this knucklehead. Yeah, sure. Especially after learning that he took his $30,000 inheritance and squandered it on ATV's, guitars & some internet business with other 'friends' of his who scammed him out of his money. The moron handed these people all of his money to be a partner in their 'business' without any signed paperwork/agreements. So you can imagine how I steamed when my husband accused ME of making bad financial decisions. Believe me, I never did anything THAT incompetent - quite the opposite actually. I guess that doesn't qualify me for 'respect' though, at least not on the level his friend gets respect.

Apparently, this same friend has made huge inroads in bettering himself during the last year. He once again has turned up in OH penniless, jobless & without a car and sleeps on the floor of some old rundown barbershop. So since he's a good friend, my husband HAS to help the guy out. Never mind me or anything I may be struggling with...like the huge credit card balances I incurred from our wedding expenses that he left me to pay and now the legal fees for a dissolution. I've never asked my husband for anything yet I show up with b-day gifts for him, and I get shoved off to the side for this guy who's always looking for a hand-out. Nice, real nice.

By the way, my husband remarked that he was late for work yesterday. In later conversation, he mentioned that he was up until midnight the night before talking to his friend. Two observations on my end...a) this is only his third week on the job and already he's tardy and b) amazing how he was able to keep his eyes open that long...because over the weekend he couldn't seem to stay awake past 9pm. I guess that shouldn't affect my feelings in any way either.

He never did call me about lunch today as he said he would. It's probably for the best that he didn't call anyway. I had no intention of going if he did call. I guess he must've gotten sidetracked or busy at work. Or maybe his phone's giving him trouble again. Maybe he ran late again this morning after another evening of late-night reminescing with his friend and decided to work through lunch to make up the time.

Well, let me know how your meeting goes. I need to get off of my duff and find a meeting near me. Too bad you don't live next door to me. With all the therapy I need these days, I'd be more than happy to mow your lawn for you & save you a few bucks. :) Again, I'm sorry to hear that we have so many similarities with our husbands. Interesting about the Valentine's gifts, too. Maybe my husband has a brother I never knew about? :p Take care and write to me again real soon.

Luv,
Scared Wife

DCV
04-14-2005, 11:01 AM
I concur, the first pill could be valium, the second set are probably some kind of pain pill, the third sounds 99.9% like an oxycontin pill to me.

Sorry, but your hubby is still using. Time for the next step, whatever that is.....

Has he lost his sex drive?

Oops, I posted this without reading on to the second page of the thread, but I'll leave it in case it might offer you anything you could use.

Let us know how the test turns out too.

I know, its such a downer to be going through this. I can identify with your husband though, because I was doing the same thing to my wife. I absolutely hated my own guts for it but I was powerless to beat it on my own. It has taken me a year to get where I am now, and maybe will be another year before I'm off suboxone, but my sex drive is back, my appetite is back, I now put my family first instead of my addiction. I guess what happens is a 50/50 proposition. Do you want to live the next year to two or three doubting him? Checking up on him all the time? Digging for the truth? Nagging him untill you get the truth? And will he admit his problem and choose you over the pills? Does he want to be the man he once was? Does he want to grow old with you? I'll bet that he does, so, hang in there, confront him for sure! And talk about what you can do together to get yourselves on the right path.

Sending you the power.....

Scared Wife
04-14-2005, 11:26 AM
Hi DCV,

Thank you so much for your input. I will try the search you mention. Sure hope I can find the piece of paper I made a note of the pill numbers on. So from what all of you are saying, the little pill that looks like a smaller version of an advil is probably an oxycontin? If so, what dosage? I know the 80 mg pills he used to have were blue in color.

Yes, he has lost his sex drive in the past 2-3 weeks. He has been too exhausted to be much company to me of any sort. For awhile there, he was Mr. Romance...big time. Like we should have been back when we were newlyweds. Now we're back to the same hum-drum life again in front of the tube when we see each other and for the past week or so, he's out like a light quite early. Even on the weekends. This past Friday though he seemed real talkative for some reason until about 1am, which surprised me (& also made me suspicious that he may be using again) since he had to be up at 5am the next morning for work. Of course, on Saturday night we went out to dinner and he was out shortly after we got in at around 8:30. We started to watch a rented movie and I don't think he lasted 30 minutes into it.

The next step for me? Well, I cannot help but feel angry towards him for the reception I was given when I showed up with his b-day gifts & his obvious lack of appreciation for them. And for the lies he told in the past & last night either. (He said he must've missed my 2 calls the night before because he was on the phone with his friend...yet when his friend walked in while he was sleeping, he mentioned that he'd stayed there the night before. Apparently my calls went unanswered deliberately.) If I spend time with him over the weekend, I intend to discuss my observations & concerns and will have a drug screen for him as well.

I just don't understand him anymore. Or what he wants out of life or from me. All of the paperwork is signed and ready to go to proceed with a dissolution except for his financial data form. So he is holding the process up and I don't understand why. My attorney cannot file the paperwork with the court without his information and he knows that. I don't know if it's laziness or if he's just stalling things. If he is stalling things, I guess I don't understand why. It's almost like he doesn't know what he wants - or lacks the ambition to make it happen. No wonder I woke up with a headache this morning. :)

I'll try to look up the pills on the internet to see what I can find. Thank you again for your advice. I agree with you wholeheartedly that he is using again.

Take care,
Scared Wife

DCV
04-14-2005, 11:40 AM
Excuse my ignorence, but is a dissolution a divorce? If so, they say life is a toilet bowl, and you should just flush it and move on.

Scared Wife
04-14-2005, 12:17 PM
Hi DCV,

No need to apologize. :) Yes, a dissolution is a less expensive and simplified version of a divorce. As long as both parties agree on everything, there's no haggling, no division of property, etc. Based on what you know of my situation, do you have any idea as to why my husband would be holding this up?

He felt that we should do this and go back to dating. I had no problem doing that because a part of me thinks it would disentangle me from any legal/financial problems he may be having that I could possibly find myself caught up in, especially ones I may not even be aware of. I looked at it as a chance to start completely over from scratch. The other part of me didn't want this because it does seem to go against the marriage vows we both spoke. After a great deal of thinking, I just felt it best to agree to the dissolution. If things didn't work out for us, it would be less complicated to part from each other. So part of me feels guilty about the dissolution and the other part of me feels relief. Yet now he seems to be holding things up. I can't understand that because with the 3 weeks of insomnia, there were plenty of nights he could've completed the form. It's almost like he is intentionally hanging back on the form.

You mentioned how you hated your own guts for doing things like this. I found that statement interesting because on more than one occasion during his tantrums, my husband would glare at me and yell, "I hate my life!! I hate what I've become!!" At that time I wasn't aware of his oxy problem and he seemed to be blaming the way he felt on me.

But DCV, it sounds like something made you turn down a different road. I'm not sure what that was, but I am proud of you for doing it. I have no doubt that it's been a long road for you, but I envy you AND your wife so much because you are giving it the effort. I've been trying to keep an open heart and an open mind, remaining compassionate all the while. I just feel like it gets me somewhere with my husband for a short period of time and then it suddenly & mysteriously seems to disintegrate right in front of my face. Keep up the wonderful work and PLEASE keep helping me with your advice & input. It helps talking to people who've been there, you know?

Take care,
Scared Wife

Thanks,
Scared Wife

marich101
04-14-2005, 08:15 PM
Having trouble posting, trying to see if its my computer

goddessgrl65
04-15-2005, 04:10 AM
Hi Scared wife..
I was reading this thread-and its so sad-to hear how hard you try to come across to your husband-w/ love..and grace..and hes just totally caught up in his addiction-he is lost right now..
What about rehab for him?
Would he go?
You know i have alot of empathy for addicts-cos i am one..and i know-that feeling of being stuck-there seems like there is no way out.
But it just seems like his incessant lying to you..is creating that wedge..i know you are trying so hard to make it work..
He wants a dissoulution???
Maybe-you should give it to him..would you be able to get your share of property etc?I don't mean to be weird-i was just thinking that if he is willing to let the marraige go-..i don't know.
I don't want to say anything hurtful-or out of place..
You seem so understanding-and loving..bringing dinner-trying to connect-etc..Did you talk to him about suboxone-or any alternative treatments/therapies?
He may have relapsed due to the 3 week bout of insomnia-you know that feeling of "no sleep"-x 3 weeks=relapse.
Hes not the only one..ive done the same-you feel like you are going crazy..
But i think if he could be honest w/ you-do you get angry when he relapses.. that he feels like he can't tell you.
Sorry for all the questions-i really just would like to be helpful to you..
Hang in there hon-i know you are hurting inside..
ggrl :angel:

Scared Wife
04-15-2005, 05:26 AM
Hi Goddessgrl,

As far as rehab goes, my husband would tell you that his problem isn't like that. The reason he got addicted to oxy, according to him, is being blamed on the dr. who prescribed them. He went on this big, long tirade about how this dr.'s running a pill mill and should have warned him about the high rate of problems with people becoming addicted and going through severe withdrawals. So his addiction problem is not because of anything HE did. If he didn't get upset over the mention of rehab, which I feel he would, he would come up with every type of excuse imagineable: can't afford it, have to work, I can do this on my own...

Yes, his continual lying is causing a wedge. Don't get me wrong...I do still love him and care about him & I realize he is sick. What puzzles me is that he must've done a much better job in the past. Just last night I talked with my friend and mentioned how 'sloppy' his lying seems to have gotten lately. She felt he may be trying to get me to confront him. Another friend mentioned that he could be testing me to see how knowledgeable I've become, after telling her how I learned here on this board that the sneezing & runny nose he experienced was from snorting the oxy. I'd asked her, "Why would he chance telling me about those symptoms? Isn't he afraid of me putting two & two together?" This friend suggested that next time he mentions it to say, "Really? I did read somewhere that this often happens to people who stop snorting oxy..." A nonconfrontation way, you know? What do all of you think? He'd been so volatile in the past that up until now, I was always very reluctant to take that big chance but I think I'd feel safe doing it now. However, with this 'friend' of his hovering around, it's hard to say when I will get the opportunity.

Six weeks ago, it was 'imperative' according to him that we do something in the way of a dissolution because of all of his unpaid debts...he did not want me to be affected by them in any way. That was the reason he gave. I coughed up the $670 to pay my attorney & had papers drawn up. Everything is signed and in my attorney's hands - except his financial info which is required before she can file the paperwork with the court. So I am again clueless about this...he requested it, made it seem extremely urgent and now the matter just hangs...because of him. I don't know if it's laziness (which makes no sense because you'd have thought that with 3 weeks of insomnia, that would've been a good way to spend all those non-sleeping hours) or if it's because he's intentionally holding it up because he maybe doesn't know what he wants. Supposedly though, it was all about 'protecting' me. If he truly wanted this dissolution (by the way, we've agreed that we each keep our own property), he sure isn't acting like it with the hold up in the paperwork.

He's been literally destitute for the past 5 months. I've offered a bit of help here & there, which he always declined...probably due to guilt or his pride - or both. Now, before he even collects paycheck #2 from his job, he's taken on another mouth to feed but offers me nothing whatsoever. Nor does he even ask if I need anything. He knows all of the wedding & honeymoon expenses were charged to my credit cards. He knows my savings account was depleted keeping a roof over our heads. I don't understand - and it hurts to hear that this guy qualifies for assistance because he'd allowed my husband to stay with him for awhile - 15 years ago. I qualify for absolutely nothing.

Never have I gotten angry with him to the point where he had to fear being honest about something like this with me. Ever. In fact, if anyone ever had to fear being honest, it's been me. See, he spins great tales that do a great job of keeping a person like me off-track. First, when he was kicked out of the pain mgmt program, he was livid and said he'd done nothing wrong and was a 'victim'. Then they were calling to confirm appts for some odd reason. I later learned that what probably happened was that they tried to drug screen him the day he showed up, he probably refused and the end result was the discharge. They probably referred him to a rehab and were following up to see if he'd done that. He ignored the appts (supposedly)...which isn't something I'd do if I truly needed medical attention, know what I mean? The whole story's fishy and he certainly has his facts confused.

On Jan. 21st, I received a call from the pain mgmt ctr at work. They'd been trying to reach him for several days and he wasn't returning their calls. I asked the woman to confirm the phone number she'd been calling and she read off his cell phone. I confirmed that number is correct and asked what home number she had. She had an old number from over 2 years ago. I explained that we were living apart but that he was staying at his parents' home and gave her that number. I told her that we'd talked the night before & he'd mentioned he had an appt there the next day (the day she called me).
She again mentioned that she was puzzled that none of their phone calls were being returned over the two weeks prior. I didn't know what to say about that myself. When he showed up, that's when he was discharged.

That night he blew up over the matter. Big time. He told me they'd been trying to call him on his parents' phone while he was in FL and the answering machine was full. The flaws in that claim? For one, he left for FL on Dec. 23rd and was home on Jan. 8th. Secondly, they did not have his parents' number in the file until I gave it to her on Jan. 21st. I never have clarified that with him. Recently when he spouted off about that incident, he claims he was in the pain mgmt center on Jan. 5th. Wrong again. He was in FL. That's how bad his mind is shot. I've noticed that his memory - both long-term and short-term, is terrible...almost non-existent.

Never have I been confrontational with him to make him regret coming clean with me. I am a quiet personality and probably more compassionate & understanding that many women would be. I've seldom nagged him nor have I ever been accusing (again, I was always the accused liar undeserving of trust). Throughout this withdrawal process he went through, while I didn't play the doting mommy, I was there as much as I could be. I offered to take him to get medical attention and even got brave enough to post to Dr. Joel Nathan with him fully aware of it. I brought carry-out. I bought over-the-counter sleep aids. Pitched in with housekeeping & laundry for him. So I don't feel that I've done anything to make him reluctant to talk to me. I think the main problem with that is that he's not ready to be fully honest with himself just yet.

So let me know if you think I have mishandled things here. If I'm guilty of anything, it's being naive. I'm sure it was easy for him to keep me in the dark about his addiction and now, of course, it's the fault of his dr.

I thought I'd been pretty decent when it came to the dissolution - I've asked for NOTHING. I've been loving & supportive. Still I get treated with total disregard and very little appreciation. I helped with his employment search, even built his resume and cover letter for him. I've scheduled his dentist appt., left work early to take him to the appt on Monday and here already I'm being treated like the 'insignificant' other while he feeds his buddy steak dinners. I can only imagine what his parents' neighbors are thinking when they see this guy drifting in & out of the house so freely, yet they've seen me sitting on the curb waiting for my husband to come home from work - & often times I'm sitting there with a box of chicken or pizza on my lap.

Well, post back when you can. I hope all of you are having a great day and have a terrific weekend. It sure felt good to be outside mowing the lawn after months of cold, snowy weather here!

Luv,
Scared Wife

DCV
04-15-2005, 06:08 AM
Its cost you $670 for a "simple" dissolotion? What about just upping this one notch to a divorce? When I got divorced from my ex (not due to addiction, I wasn't an addict then) but it didn't cose that much. Anyway, if your interested in saving the relationship, I think your going to have to give him some space and "observe". My current wife and I went round and round because whenever she confronted me in a hostile way, I would totally withdraw. I was trying to save my own sanity, I was feeling guilty enough without having to be reminded of how bad I screwed up. When my wife finally changed her tone to one of complete compassionate concern for me, and my health, instead of berating me for "what I've done to her" I slowly began to see the light. When she would confront me, it made me fear telling her the truth, and how I felt because I felt like she would nag me to death over it. But when she would just nod her head as I spilled out my feelings and really listen, I started to feel like she was concerned about me as a person and lost interest in placing blame for our situation totally on me. I used percocet to "cope" with life not to wreck her life. So, now since I've stabilized, we can focus on our relationship and I can start the long road to regaining her trust. She doesn't trust me 100% still, but thats okay, she aknowledges the small victories I've made, and that gives me encourgement to keep on fighting. Now, she smiles at me, she hugs me, and she doesn't "confront" me anymore, if she has a concern, we talk about it like adults, calmly without letting it degenerate into an arguement, and when either of us gets tired of it, we just stop talking about it for the time being and bring it up later after we have calmed down. It just sounds to me, like your husband is nowhere near the point he needs to reach, hitting the bottem, some addicts don't and they end up losing everything they used to hold dear, family, job, house, etc. You have to decide for yourself if you are willing to put in the time and effort. I know its a one sided affair, with you doing all the work right now. And as for him not signing the papers? I don't know why. Maybe he really doesn't want to lose you but is still under the grip of the pills. But he's got to make up his mind. If I were in your shoes, I'd talk to my lawyer again and tell him that your husband isn't going to sign the papers and figure out a way to either force him to, or else take it up a notch and file for a divorce, its the same outcome in the end anyway. And again, if I were in your shoes? I'd just stop all this madness and break up with him. If he is interested in saving the marraige, let him come to you. If that doesn't wake him up, nothing will.

valleygurl
04-15-2005, 06:25 AM
Scared Wife, I follow every one of your posts. You probably are one of the most caring, compassionate, loving, and TOLERANT person i have ever talked to. Even though we have never met face to face, it deeply saddens me to hear the things your husband says and does to you. It just isnt fair. Addiction or not.... When i take the "pills" i am not mean or disrespectful to anyone. But i guess the pills will do that to some people.

The first time i was married i too was married to an addict. His DOC was marijuanna and alcohol. I was very young and he treated me like crap all the time. His friends always came first. I finally got fed up with it and left. When i left i swore to myself that i would never be treated poorly again, ever. I have a very dominant personality anyways. I remarried and of course i wear the pants in the family! lol So as you can guess what i would do if i were in your shoes.

I would have confronted him about the pills, the lies,everything.....long before now. I would have laid all the cards on the table. I would tell him what you do know for a fact (pills, lies) and i would tell him of your suspicions. I would tell him what bothers you, what hurts your feelings. Once you have told him everything....I would then tell him that you want to help him and support him with his addiction and not judge him, but he has to be honest with you. If you want to stay with him and make your marriage work.....TELL HIM. I wouldnt put up with being second best or used or verbally abused either. If he cant treat you with respect and be honest I wouldnt be there for him at his every whim. Ya know? I dont want to come off to you as sounding harsh, but really, you are so sweet and you deserve soooooo much better. You really do.

I would definately think about having a good talk with him, no matter if it made him mad or not. If he gets really angry, whats the worst he is going to do....sign the dissolution papers???? and then live happily ever after with his vagrant friend?

I wish you only the best, please take care and think of YOU....TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST! ok?

Love, Valley

Scared Wife
04-15-2005, 10:40 AM
Hi DCV & Valleygurl,

Thanks again for continuing to write. DCV, I understand completely what you mean about hostile confrontations, etc., and how they can push the other party further away instead of towards you. That is precisely why I have never taken the hostile/accusing approach with my husband...so that he would feel that he could talk openly with me about things. He'd mentioned doing the dissolution & going back to dating 'because we're so screwed up'...yet the attitude remains the same, it's all due to 'me'.

Believe me, I have given positive reinforcement by the bushel basket. I told him that I couldn't help but notice he seems to be easier to talk to since he quit the oxy...more approachable, less defensive/accusing and a great deal more reasonable (up until last Friday anyway). When he decided to search for a job, I helped pass along company names, addresses & even who's attn to send the resume to. I wrote his resume with him and the cover letter. When he finally landed a job, I congratulated him and told him I knew he'd have no problem with his extensive construction knowledge/experience. He's eating better now than I've ever seen eat since we first met & I told him maybe that in itself might boost his lagging energy. I've offered to pitch in with his bills (he always adamantly declines that help, which is probably for the best). I don't bark at him about the smelly bowls of milk from cereal that gets left sitting around to curdle/stink or the dog pee/crap that's everywhere, primarily because I don't live with him anymore so I'm not forced to live with it. When he did seem to get over his insomnia & fell asleep last Saturday at around 8pm or so, out of boredom I bathed his shitzu. So I do not feel I've been doing anything to push him away or make him reluctant to talk about anything.

That's why I thought maybe that's half of the problem...I'm being too passive & quiet about these things. If I do try to nicely tell him how he makes me feel or of concerns I may have for him or us, he will tell me that I can't expect him to live his life around me...'babe, afterall, we are in the midst of a divorce...' or I'm told my attitude is wrong in one way or another. The last time I took a stand after he jumped all over me when the pain mgmt ctr discharged him, I left him alone for a month. He never called/emailed me and, as tempting as it was every single day, I never called/emailed him. My b-day passed, Valentine's Day passed ... it was like a stalemate. Next thing I know he's emailing me a month later with this 'urgent' need for a dissolution. You know the rest.

I was hoping to avoid taking a more aggressive approach regarding the paperwork he's not coming forward with. I guess my heart doesn't want to send him the wrong message, yet my head is screaming "Let's get this over with already!" This is not where I wanted my marriage to end up in the first place, but I'm willing to deal with it. I'm cooperating fully, he doesn't seem to want to. I guess you're right though, if I have no success with the paperwork this weekend, I will just have to contact my attorney to see what I do & go from there. All of the paperwork he has signed and returned to me, which is now in the hands of my attorney - except the financial pages she needs. That's the one & only thing holding this up.

Guess I'll see what the weekend holds in store. Valleygurl, I know you're right as well. I need to quit being little miss passive here and start standing up for myself a little - set down some ground rules of what I'll put up with & what I won't and leave the rest up to him. In the meantime, I have been taking care of me. Enjoying my primitive rug hooking class, taking my dog to the park and visiting the foals at my friend's farm. It sure does seem strange being able to get together with a girlfriend for an hour here & there as well. Oh, I just remembered something else. The other day he got in my car and noticed an appt card in the cup holder. He goes, "Ah-ha, and who do we have an appt with?" He picked it up and looked closer at it as I started to tell him it was for my next hair appt. I felt like he was snooping though & he had the 'you're busted' attitude...as if he was expecting it to be something sinister or sneaky. What do you guys make of that one?

Hope all of you continue to have a great day wherever you're at. Here in OH, it's sunny but still chilly. It's been great to be outdoors again finally...playing with the baby horses!

Luv,
Scared Wife

DCV
04-15-2005, 11:08 AM
Wow! What a mess, I think your doing pretty well under these circumstances. Your husband sounds like well...I won't say it but its another word for "donkey". Then again, it isn't 100% him doing the talking. Be that as it may, he must be held accountable for his actions this once would cinch it for me
"he will tell me that I can't expect him to live his life around me...'babe, afterall, we are in the midst of a divorce" I think he wants it both ways.

If you are separated, but you still date, he will have the best of both worlds, he can take his pills while you aren't around and quit when he knows you'll be there. As for finding the appointment card and being suspicious of you? Ha! I must say, I've been there too, I used to try and find ANY fault I could with my wife, just to get the focus off of me for awhile-he's grasping at straws now. And that strange feeling you get when your able to hang out with your girlfriends for awhile? You've probably forgotten considering what you've been through, its known as "happiness" sweetie pie.

Flush the toilet! I know that the truth lies somewhere between two peoples points of view, but your husbands actions are so classic addict. And his future actions are so predicatble that I'd advise you to get out the the whole situation. I don't think I'd even want to try and get back with him to "date" while you are separated. I'd leave the door cracked open (only if you still love him) cut him loose and see what he does. And I'd simply put my foot down. "I don't want to see you or talk to you untill you've done something about the pills) what qualifies as doing something is your call, if it were me, I wouldn't even consider speaking to him again untill he physically gets into an inpatient rehab program.

Scared Wife
04-15-2005, 11:45 AM
DCV,

Believe me, I know I am not little miss perfect. Everyone has a little of something in them that will irritate a spouse. What amazes me is that I get treated like the spouse caught in the act of cheating. I swear to you & everyone else here that I have never even glanced at another man since I met my husband. I don't go nuts with the credit cards (mine or his). I've never gone for drinks after work or on the weekends with co-workers or friends.

Needless to say, I do think you're right. I need to take a stand for myself and realize that things are probably not going to get any better from here on out. Guess I've just been hanging on to that little shred of hope. My husband called me a few minutes ago while he was pouring concrete to see how my work day was going and he told me about his. Don't ask me what initiated this comment but he stated, "Oh - Steve and I took a vote and we decided that Sundays are for flying the planes..." (He has gas powered model airplanes as his hobby.) Maybe I'm overly sensitive here, but just as I feared it seems as though "steve" is the new mrs. in the household. Must've been my husband's way of informing me that Sundays will now be 'steve' days. I'm tempted to just tell him I'm not up for celebrating our b-days this weekend.

You're right - he does want the best of both worlds. I'm weary of being used. What do you predict his future actions will be anyway? I'm just curious.

By the way, I'm so happy that you are doing so well. Again, I envy you and your wife. I don't know for sure what it took to make you want to fight your addiction, but I sure wish you could package it and send it to me. You have such wonderful wisdom that you share with me. I really appreciate it.

Take care,
Scared Wife

DCV
04-15-2005, 12:04 PM
I'm starting to feel just a wee bit uncomfortable giving you advice. I'm not a marraige counselor so please, bear in mind that I'm only able to give you the benefit of my own experiences. I could be all washed up giving you my opinion and having you use it for making life decisions and I don't want to be responsible for that. So, please bear that in mind at all times. There is also always the option of going to a marraige counselor too, if you think the relationship could be saved somehow. I used to find myself making excuses to get away from my wife at times, not to sneak away and take pills, but for the respite I found in being alone. The guilt always sat on my shoulders like a big rock, but I needed some time alone to sort things out, and it was peaceful, no fighting or arguing. I felt like since I had decided to quit using that our life should return to normal. Little did I know at the time, that I'd have to start rebuilding a foundation of trust all over again, I'd have to resign myself to the fact that I had to be accountable to my wife for my time. I now understand that she isn't trying to make life hard for me, but its part and parcel to the process of regaining her trust, I know it won't last forever. I had to understand that just because I quit using and am now stable that I now had to take responsibility for a couple of years of he11 I put my wife through, now, its her turn to use her energy to heal herself, from what I did. Now, I have to support her through that process. As far as predicting what he will do in the future? No idea, he could go either way, but I agree that this thing with Steve is not a good sign. I know that I try to spend every minute of my free time with my wife. She wants to go shopping? I take her shopping. She wants to go out and eat? I take her out. She wants to see a movie? I take her to a movie. What she wants, she gets, at least for the next year or so untill she trusts me to be alone. I think I can safely say that he didn't call you just to see how your day was going, it was really just a way to "mention" that he and his bud were going to fly model airplanes. Did he ask you if you wanted to go? Probably not huh? Do you really think they are going to spend Saturday flying planes? Theres your answer. If I were you I'd let him go fly his plane and I'd go do whatever I felt like doing, and I wouldn't call him, I would just start living life like you were single again. I don't mean having an affair or anything like that. But in the respect of taking care of your own wants and desires, go out and do something, spend your Saturday doing what you want to do.

Scared Wife
04-15-2005, 12:26 PM
Hi DCV,

No need to feel apprehensive. In the end, the final decision is mine and mine alone. Don't feel responsible. I do appreciate hearing the opinion of a male. It's also nice to hear that my fears/concerns are valid in your eyes and those of the others on this board.

No, I wasn't asked if I'd like to go along to fly the planes at all. Even though my husband built one specifically for me over the winter. On average, I stay home a couple of nights a week and don't see my husband due to things I need to take care of at home for myself along with the cost of gas. Guess it irks me a little that this doesn't allow him to have enough alone time with his friend.

I'm about at the end of my rope anyways and it's not from anything you've mentioned. Believe me, all you have done is validate what I already think & feel. It tells me I am not looking at things with a narrow-minded or selfish attitude. So don't be reluctant to post and keep me on the path I need to be on.

Truthfully, I am not very confident that this is going to turn out to be a good weekend anyway. Too much is building up inside of me...spending time with him only to watch him sleep, yet since ol' steve appeared he seems to be bursting with ambition & energy. Being supportive and helpful only to have steve placed as a priority. Having never been financially or emotionally supported by my husband, but here steve is. We did try counseling through the minister who married us. By visit #3, she referred us to a psychologist. I spoke to her prior to setting up that appt. explaining that I have never shopped for a psychologist and wasn't sure what I should be looking for. (The one she referred us to was too far away for my husband to drive to so I'd contacted her for another referral closer to where we live.) She sensed that I was deeply troubled - about MYSELF and she assured me that I am not crazy, hinting that she was sending us to a psychologist because of my husband, not me. We found one closer to home - he went twice, complained about the expense & inconvenience of the appts, even though once we hit our deductible my insurance paid 80%. He offered to show up for an appt in November, saying that since I was agreeing to the dissolution (for a different reason at that time...his dad wanted to give him a free house but was reluctant to because of our marital state) he felt it only fair to go to an appt for me. I felt that was the wrong reason for him to go and had a feeling it would be anything but helpful, yet I gave him the benefit of the doubt & was still optimistic. He stormed out 20 minutes into the session after he began complaining that I wear make-up to work, yet when we'd venture across the street to rent movies I didn't put on any make-up. Plus he somehow began talking about his deceased sister - another serious issue he harbors yet refuses to deal with. One minute I'm sitting there hanging on his every word, the next thing I know he's out the door & pulling out of the parking lot. My cell phone bill came to almost $300 that month because I spent hours trying to talk him out of suicide.

So please don't feel uncomfortable. I'm level-headed and I know the end decision is mine. But, to put it into the words my husband speaks himself: "Actions speak louder than words." and "Birds of a feather flock together."

Talk to you again soon,
Scared Wife

Scared Wife
04-15-2005, 12:28 PM
PS - As I mentioned in an earlier note, every time I see what I think of as a tiny bit of effort on my husband's part, it seems to disintegrate right before my eyes in an instant. And the effort I see from him is MAYBE 5-10%.

Philster2003
04-15-2005, 12:56 PM
Scared Wife;

I certainly can understand your situation, and I know what I put my dear wife through which has some parallel aspects to yours. Also, having lived through my mess on your husbands side of the street I would say you have every reason to feel trepidation given some of your husbands mannerisms and recent habitual changes. I would also say there is always more to the story and it would seem; you have been very patient with this nasty mess so if there is a way to get the hubby to open up to you the details you learn might have a significant impact (plus or minus) on current state of affairs between the two of you.

One more thought Iíd like to throw out; the pills you described may or may not be opiate based meds based on your brief description. I guess the only positive way would be having a pharmacists or chemical analysis center performe analysis on the pills. I know many here seem to think most of the pills are opiate based but I did a quick search in a Pill Identification site and the pills you describe with the GG 225 & GG 229 may not be opiate based.

For example:

GG 225 could be (based on the Pill identification site) Promethazine hydrochloride tablets are from a group of medicines called phenothiazines, however, it is also part of the family of sedating antihistamines.

GG229 could be (based on the Pill identification site) sosorbide dinitrate (ISDN) which is used primarily to prevent and treat angina and in the treatment of acute heart attacks and heart failure.

Oxycontin pills (brand version) are round and will have an OC on one side and the numerical strength on the other side such as 10 or 20 or 40 or 80. The coloring is white, pinkish, goldish and greenish.

The pill with the V on it may not be Valium or Vicodin. Usually with Vicodin the word Vicodin is fully spelled out on the pill. With Valium the brand pill has a V hollowed out of the middle of the pill, no V on the pill.

Guess my point here is donít base all your opinions on the pills, use all of the details and information you have and are gathering to formulate your path to resolution whatever that works out to be.

My heart goes out to you and I pray you have a happy ending.

phil

lane7eir
04-15-2005, 01:15 PM
HEY SCARED WIFE!
He sounds just like my husband when he took the oxys. the financial crap and everything. as you know from my other posts that although the pills are replaced by methadone (ERRRRRR), he is drinking 8-12+ a day and the behavior is still there.
the main thing i've learned is you can take the drink or drug away, but unless he accepts his part in all this junk and truly tries to better himself, you're really stuck with the same miserable creep just minus the drugs. god knows, i was just like this when i first got sober and definately have the potential to be so again in sobriety.
really, i just wanted to thank you for posting to me the other day. the strength i get from others never ceases to amaze me.
heres a (((((((((hug)))))))))))
laney

goddessgrl65
04-16-2005, 04:47 AM
Scared wife..
Thank you for your reply-isn't the support here incrediable?
So-many people/friends here to support you-
I hope you understand-i just asked the questions-to get some more insight to your problem-cos i want to advise you w/ care..
This is a very sensitive/and personal subject-on both ends..
I can clearly see you are compassionate/caring-and i hope you know i wasn't insinuateing that you were being anything but..understanding.
I just needed to know..some info..ok???
Its tough-and complex-this is your husband-i don't completely understand why detox would be such an issue for him-..
Hasn't his addiction-whether dr, prescribed-or abused-messed him up -financially/his marraige/his sanity-etc..his life is falling apart-but he won't help himself-???
No-one wants to go to detox-(can i get a witness-on this one..lol)..
Good God-its like-"dead man walking"...but there is something i can't piece together..
If he wants this marraige to work-why won't he do anything????
May i ask-how long you have been married?
You say-he only trys about 5%/10%..that sucks!
Scared wife..i don't know-he wants a dissolution-once you sign this-basically are you no longer married?
He seems to be pushing you away..so he can continue to do as he will-w/out you interfering in his addiction-
maybe he doesn't want to clean up now..
more to come..
Bless you girl-
ggrl :angel:

Scared Wife
04-16-2005, 12:42 PM
Hi Goddessgrl,

Trust me, I was not offended in any way by your questions. Not in the least. I try to give as many details as I can without taking up this entire board (lol). So don't worry about asking anything.

My husband & I began dating in 2001. We had some bumps along the way here & there & maybe some of them should have opened my eyes. You know what love tends to do to you though. As I look back, he seemed to begin acting controlling even then...jealous about any time I'd spend with my family or a close friend...he'd even take it personally if I didn't want to come out a night or two each week because it was costly for me to drive 45 minutes each way every day. And no, he was not comfortable coming to be for this lame reason: I lived with my elderly parents (who have always been cool in the eyes of everyone else I know). I should've known then he was avoiding them for a reason.

Anyhow, we married in Oct., 2003. He's a self-employed contractor and had always flashed money around...& that is NOT what attracted me to him at all, but it did lead me to believe he was financially secure. A month before our marriage, he began building a $40,000 addition for a customer (who was later robbed twice by his employees). Basically, right from the start, there has been no income from his end & he did a GREAT job of giving me a load of crap as to why. I paid for our entire wedding. His parents gave us honeymoon expense money. So this marriage has cost him nothing, but he'll tell you it ruined his life.

He doesn't know all that his friend told me in late-December about him abusing the oxy. I do not speak to him much about it because I can tell he is pretty much in denial and claims to be clean since late Jan. Yes, once we sign the dissolution papers with the courts, we appear for a hearing to ensure we both agree and then we are no longer married. Again, he is the one holding this up and I'm not sure I understand why.

As for detox, he's a great excuse maker. He no longer has a problem....he can't afford dr.'s or treatment or he'll say I don't believe in him (that line's come up quite a bit in the past week). He's got himself under control...he thinks. But he called me this morning complaining that more of his money disappeared out of his account. He just deposited his $900 paycheck yesterday and supposedly his balance is around $200. So it was the 'I get screwed every time I turn around' speech this morning. He doesn't keep a checkbook register either. Furthermore, maybe this is a perfect reason why it wasn't such a good idea to take on another mouth to feed when he brought his vagrant friend in?

I don't know if I do anything to interfere with his addiction or not. I know I don't do anything knowingly, but maybe you meant just by me being around? He swears he loves me, but he sure doesn't act like it. He told me to bring a drug screen any time I care to ... which I intend to do one day in the near future. So who knows? Tonight he wants to celebrate our b-days. I wonder if we'll do that with just the two of us or if it'll be the 4 of us tonight...me, him, steve and, of course, his little shitzu dog that he won't leave home without...even to go to work.

Luv,
Scared Wife