View Full Version : I Talked To My Husband....

Scared Wife
04-17-2005, 07:38 PM
Hi Everyone,

I hope everyone had a nice weekend. Mine was so-so...not as good as I'd been hoping for but not as bad as I thought it could turn out to be either.

I took my husband to dinner for his b-day on Saturday. The night sort of got off on the wrong foot. We'd planned on this celebration for a few days now so I was a bit put off that he didn't seem ready to go when I arrived. I'd have thought he'd have been a bit more ready when I arrived. Trivial I know, but it just seems like that's always the case when we have plans (which is a rare thing to begin with) and a friend happens to be around. During dinner I explained to him my concerns about the pills I'd found and I have to be fair here to my husband here....just so all of you know, the ones with the GG on them turned out to be allergy pills. So I thank you for helping me find out how to look them up. I'm still not sure about the other 2.

Anyhow, I explained to him that I had fears and suspicion that he was using something & he asked why. I told him that he was acting 'different' again. Not to mention the drastic switch from total insomnia to sleeping all the time. He assured me he wasn't using & encouraged me to bring a drug screen anytime with no warning.

He asked why I was acting so tense the past few days & I explained my disappointing reception on his b-day and how I couldn't help but notice how he lit up when his friend came in. He asked why I take things like that personally and I told him I couldn't help it. That all of a sudden, I feel totally brushed off now that his friend's around. Prior to him coming into the picture, my husband called frequently, sent emails & seemed to want me around. I told him it sure does hurt to take time off from work to help him (twice in the past 3 weeks alone) only to end up feeling the way I do. I reminded him of how I had my oral surgery and went by myself...that he never missed work for me yet I had for him. I told him that since he quit the oxy, I listened with interest & compassion for days & weeks on end, I offered to take him for medical help, I bought over-the-counter sleep aids, brought carry-out for dinner, helped with his laundry and even bathed his dog. Amidst all this, I heard all about the financial problems, the unpaid bills, the lack of money, etc. I helped with the employment search and devoted much time to everything involved with that...the resume, the ads, etc. Now all of a sudden, I'm chopped liver. I even asked him if he was doing these things intentionally to try to drive me away. He swore he wasn't. I told him then I don't understand how I went to being so disregarded & insigificant. How do you say you love someone yet continually put other people & things ahead of that someone?

I told him how it more or less tears my heart out when I see efforts I make to show my love for him only to end up feeling nothing more than insignificant. I was honest & told him that after listening to him complain for the past 5 months of being 'poor', that it hurt me that much more to see that he could open up his wallet & home to someone else yet seems to have totally forgotten all of the credit card debt I incurred for our wedding & honeymoon. To this day, I have asked him for nothing...again out of caring & understanding for his financial state. Here he is extending generosity to someone else. How do I feel like a 'priority' in his world? His response was that he sold his favorite car for $2800 to get us started. I asked him what happened to the income from the $40,000 job he'd started just before our marriage. His explanation was that he is too kindhearted towards customers.

Reluctantly, I shared my earlier thread and some of our posts to each other back & forth. I wanted him to see what I was feeling and the honest opinions of all of you. He appreciated my honesty and said that while some of what he read had a sting to it, he at least knew the truth of how I feel. I can only hope, and believe me - I SINCERELY HOPE, he will digest what he read and understand the enormous pain that I've been coping with. I felt terrible letting him read them because regardless of how angry or hurt I may feel, I would never want to hurt him. Maybe he needed that? I can only hope that since he insisted on seeing the notes from my earlier post, that he will take what he read to heart and see my side of things and put forth some form of effort.

He is upset about the lack of trust between us. He also resents my lack of trust in him. I told him I do believe in him in several ways. Yet when a spouse does not openly share his/her income with the other, it creates uncertainty & eventually suspicion. I told him the things I've learned here...like how people will lie and manipulate. I told him I feared relapse because of the pills I'd found & knowing that quitting addiction cold turkey isn't always easy. Furthermore, the concern was backed up that much more because of his mom's known addiction problems. It seems to be a family trend and he's grown up thinking it more or less normal until recent years.

He asked if I felt a wall between us. I told him yes but I feel he is the one building the wall between us. My actions have been loving & caring, yet they are anything but appreciated. In fact, they seem quickly forgotten. I resent that he can remember so well everything this friend did for him 18 years ago, but he cannot seem to remember what I did for him the day before. Know what I mean? Am I being unreasonable? My savings account is gone, my credit card balances higher than I've ever known, my free time is given to him and spent helping him. I guess it's not supposed to hurt me deeply when the things I do for him are forgotten within a 24 hour period.

So I'm hoping he will take what he read to heart and maybe understand how he has been making me feel. I feel taken for granted, unappreciated and even flat out used - too often for my liking. I hope that his insistence on wanting to actually read my feelings as expressed to all of you was for the purpose of bettering our relationship. Not just a way to spend a Saturday evening. I sort of sense that he still feels that I deserve to be treated this way.

Any feedback? I feel better having had the chance to get some things off my chest. I can only hope it wasn't for nothing.

Well, tomorrow's Monday so it's back to the grind. Sleep well everyone and I hope all of you had a great weekend.

Scared Wife

04-17-2005, 08:50 PM
Hi Scare Wife,
How in Gods name can he question you having a problem trusting him, everything is still so new and trust isn't regained overnight, it's going to take awhile and his actions play such a big part in it. You are so good to him Honey and he needs to realize that the pain that he has put you through isn't going to be easily forgotten. But at least he is showing an interest in trying to understand what you have been through, and maybe he is working on getting away from the "ME...ME...ME" period in his life that tore you apart. Wouldn't it be nice to not love him so much and be able to say 'Ciao Baby'? But we know that isn't the case and I am still sending my thoughts and prayers your way,and I do believe that nothing is impossible. Take care of yourself, you know him probably better than anyone, just stay honest with yourself.

Hey....just saw that he has a shih tzu.........he can't be all bad LOL

Scared Wife
04-18-2005, 05:36 AM
Hi Marilyn,

Isn't it a wonder how his mind works? I hope he saw the way I pour my heart out in my posts. If I didn't love him, would I spend my free time seeking help for him and for us? He doesn't seem to be able to see beyond his nose in that regard. Maybe I've got that all wrong, too - and I certainly hope I do. Yet there is no genuine acknowledgement of my efforts. What others see as being acts of love, he sees as nothing at all.

That's why I told him that after receiving the phone call telling me he had a problem with his oxy, a lot of things came to mind that seemed to make some sense & I couldn't help but wonder the more I mulled it over in my mind. His 'mystery' income, his 'mystery' accountant, the lack of money & unpaid bills, his comments of "I hate myself & I hate what I've become." Getting kicked out of his pain mgmt program, bitterness towards me for everything going wrong...things I never had a say in. The lack of effort towards our marriage...not just in my eyes, but in the eyes of the psychologist and the few people who I've dared to confide in and everyone on this board.

One thing that I did not get to mention to him that causes me yet more pain is the fact that nothing I do for him seems to be remembered or even remotely valued. That, along with the fact that nothing I give him in the way of gifts (great or small) seems to have absolutely no sentimental value to him. Yet other possessions he's attained from other people do. The $300 leather coat I bought him for our first Xmas as a married couple? He didn't even remember having it or being given the coat. It was tossed into a storage unit and forgotten. To add insult to injury, everything an old friend did to help him out 18 years ago can be recalled in his memory in a heartbeat. Something I did for him 6 months ago or even just yesterday appears to be totally forgotten and dismissed. Somehow, it seems to me if you're some vagrant loaded with self-imposed problems, you're more worthy of respect from my husband. I work a decent job and pay my own bills, ask for nothing from him and I'm the one feeling a lack of love, admiration & respect.

I mentioned the 'me, me, me' to him. I told him that everything is always about HIM. And I've been there for HIM. Everyone here seems to feel that I always step up to the plate...maybe even more than I should. I can't remember the last time he asked me about my feelings or needs. To top that off, all I hear on a 'good' day is "I wish I had this..." "I want that..." I have given him my undivided attention with each & every problem, yet I fall to the back of the line EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Funny how once the crisis is over, I end up feeling like I'm no longer needed or wanted. I feel as if I'm 'discarded'. That's not a good feeling to walk around with. Gone is our privacy now that he has his friend staying with him. How do you talk and work on issues with a third face sitting there...a person with a bad attitude towards relationships to boot? Gee, thanks for yet another sense of security. Thanks for yet another boot in the teeth for giving this person free access to your parents' home and letting me sit on the doorstep with a box of chicken and the neighbors looking on. Who gets treated like the untrustworthy loser? The wife.

He still insists I can drug screen him any time I care to. He swears he isn't using oxy or anything else, yet mentioned he is getting 'something' that he doesn't care to share with me right now. He said because he's afraid I'll blab to friends, etc. Another thing...he resents when I talk to a girlfriend when something's bothering me. Granted, he should be the first person I go to with concerns and I'll be the first to admit that. Yet for as unapproachable as he's been in the past, attacking me and telling me my feelings are wrong & selfish, how can I freely do that?

All I ever wanted for him was a better life - for him. He's complained about being surrounded by losers all the time and being taken advantage of by them. I have tried to prove myself not to be cut from that same cloth and gradually pry him away from people like that. He plants his feet firmly though and stays with them. I don't understand how these people get their claws in him and keep their hold and I feel like I lose my grip when they are around. How can I not wonder if maybe it's a lifestyle he's glued to because of drugs or something? Every time I turn around, there's someone with a need greater than mine - and more deserving of my husband's time & resources. I place him first and time & time again, I fall to the back of the line...behind his parents, his dog, his friends....and it's not supposed to hurt me.

I love my husband with my whole heart and soul. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't. His family is screwed up so my world is foreign to him. He said he cannot help but see me as a threat. My family's a threat.

Now I end up sitting around worrying about what this something is that he's taking. I did tell him he's been acting different. He says I'm jealous of his friend & I've been acting strange since he came onto the scene. I guess it has nothing to do with the things I've written above and more. Even last Sunday, before this guy came around, I was starting to feel the way I feel today. I didn't sleep at all Saturday night and very little last night. I was really touched that he called me this morning to see if I'd slept and he seemed sorry to hear that I hadn't. It made me so happy to feel an ounce of concern that I started to cry after we got off the phone.

Well, I'd better try to accomplish something here at work for now. I needed to talk to someone who seems to understand me and thank you for posting to me. How are you doing, Marilyn? Is everything OK on your end? I sure hope so.

Scared Wife

04-18-2005, 09:45 AM
Take it slow and easy. I'm confused now too, I mean, I've done the same thing your husband is doing, we get pretty good at telling little white lies to hide the truth. Most of the time, your gut instinct is right. It still sounds to me like he wants the best of both worlds, to be able to live a single lifestyle and have you hanging around to fall back on. If he says you can drug screen him, why not do it when he least expects it? Thats what I'd do. And aside from observing his behavior, look into the pupils everytime you see him. If they are pin pointed, its a dead giveaway. Frankly, I don't know why your hanging on. But its your call, if your going to hang in there, your going to just have to be ready for lots of ups and downs. When you've had enough is your call. Also, the trust issue? He has alot of nerve not to understand why you don't trust him. You don't gain trust back overnight, it takes years. When is he going to start trying?

Scared Wife
04-18-2005, 12:14 PM

I sort of feel he is wanting the best of both worlds as well. Some days he makes me feel optimistic and other days he really does not. Things had seemed to be going well up until about a week ago and I'm still trying to figure out what changed and why. He again encouraged the drug screen and I will do it at some point. It's going to be hard with his friend around continually and I certainly don't want to embarrass anyone.

Your remark (& Marilyn's) about the trust thing makes so much sense to me. Believe it or not, he feels a big lack of trust in me though. He does not approve of me seeking help or advice from a trusted friend. He feels that is a betrayal towards him and that has never, ever been my intention. I'm the type of person who will go to someone I trust and tell them to let me know if I am in the wrong in any way. I always thought this was a safer route to take, rather than unfairly judge the situation & jumping the gun. I'd explain both sides to a trusted friend and ask where I may have been wrong. He feels our business should not be shared with anyone else. I have worked very hard, or thought I did, to regain his trust. My friends share their troubles with me and it never goes beyond me. He feels that they will share the information because women are such gossipers. So I do not share much of anything at all with them anymore.

His mom once told me that she was concerned that he wasn't ready for marriage. Maybe she had more insight than I gave her credit for. I don't know. He swears up & down he loves me, yet I don't always feel it. He does seem to be trying to prove himself in some ways and that keeps me hanging on...because I love him. However, this past weekend, I really had to struggle with the change in atmosphere. What used to feel like a normal home environment now feels more like Pee-Wee's Playhouse or a frat house or something. Yesterday at noon he said he was going to clean out his truck, etc. I asked him to call me when he was finished with the things he needed to do and I'd take a ride out. I tried calling at around 3 to make sure he was home and got voice mail twice. I took a chance & left. While I was on my way out, I tried to call again because if he wasn't home, I'd detour to a store to pick up a few things I needed along the way. He picked up the phone and mentioned that he never did get anything accomplished...that he & Steve played a game of chess and then were playing with walkie-talkies.

When I got there, I thought I was being social...laughing with both of them & kidding around. When my husband & I left to go to the store, he somewhat reprimanded me for being rude and having dark humor. I was kind of shocked because I thought I'd just been kidding around like them...with them. I guess I offended him...or his friend. He said it was like I was picking a fight or something to spoil the day. I was baffled and, needless to say, hurt. Since our b-day celebration on the evening before turned out to be somewhat dim because of our talk, I'd had high hopes that yesterday would be better and thought I'd put a good foot forward.

Now, you'd think that since his friend always has the entire day with him that he'd maybe pick up and go to his room to watch some tv or something to give us a bit of alone time. No. My husband & I did get some alone time upstairs for an hour. Out of five hours. I guess I am filled with dread that this will be ongoing indefinitely. Maybe I'm selfish for feeling that way, but the entire environment is 'different'...almost juvenile and definitely less privacy.

I intend to be aware of the things you mention and to try not to end up buffalo'd. It's hard though, DCV. It really is. I love him. I just wish he knew that and valued it. Maybe reading my posts will help? I thought I'd give that a bit of time and see.

Scared Wife

04-18-2005, 05:43 PM
Don't believe anything he tells you!!! You deserve better!!!!
I went through a situation 4 yrs ago...Thought I met MR Wonderful!It was awesome at 1st! I even left my marriage of 16 yrs to be with him!

He had a way of turning things around.At 1st I admired that...thought how intelligent he was to make see a entirely different perspective in life!
He was a genius who had a hard life...and he just needed the love he never had! Didn't realise I was being manipulated...
And he did feel and care...yet only to a point.He was so angry at times...I was scared!!Like two different people...my son from my marriage never wanted to be home!He was terrified of him!
Then I had a daughter with him...and he was once again wonderful to us.
That was short lived!!!
Soon he wouldn't work...yelled and screamed etc...this went on for 2yrs!

I finally kicked him out and went back to my husband...who never stopped loving me!He has taken my daughter as his own,loves her so much!

Now the other man since I kicked him out...has harrassed us endlessly!
He is in jail and is going to prison for 10 yrs..robbery charges etc....
He blames me...that if I had not kicked him to the curb...he would not have had to rob anyone!!!
He is mad that I won't take our daughter to the jail to see him!!!
As far as I am concerned he was never a true father...my husband has been!
Any thoughts?

Scared Wife
04-18-2005, 06:24 PM
Hi JaneEllen,

Wow...very interesting comments there. My husband, too, is extremely intelligent and gifted. I feel that he often has a good way of turning things around as well and for the longest time I was convinced I was crazy. He even told our psychologist that I had deep mental or psychological issues...all because I love & care about my 81 yr old mom and the dog that was mine but that I'd left with her for a couple of different reasons, one of them being that since my dad had passed away fairly recently & I was getting married myself, I didn't want her to get lonely. He resented me stopping in after work to give my dog a few pats on the head & take him for a quick walk. My mom cannot do this with the dog because she's got herniated discs in her back and broke a hip a few years back. I also didn't want the dog being with her to create more work for her either. I just couldn't imagine why he had issues with this when there were so many other truly wrong things I could've been out there doing...

I can say that my husband has never laid a hand on me, although there were a few isolated times that I did get nervous that his temper could go that far. It never did. I always do my best not to provoke him and it really seemed to me as though he was much more approachable since he quit the oxy & I have really been hoping that it continues to stay that way. I did begin to feel I could talk with him without apprehension for fear of his reaction. I just no longer seem to have the opportunity anymore now that his friend is always around. I feel like we turn a corner and he places another obstacle in our path. Maybe he doesn't realize this, I don't know.

I will be careful. I am happy to hear that things worked out for you in the end, too. I definitely feel you did the right thing in getting rid of that guy. He sure does sound like a scary, alarming individual. Good for you for seeing the light when you did. I'll try to post more later if I don't fall asleep early.

Scared Wife

04-18-2005, 06:28 PM
There are drug tests at walgreens. If i were you i would totally pick one up and bring it to him. they are only like15$ for the single testers and 30$ for the all in one.

04-18-2005, 06:30 PM
Since you are letting him read posts, let him read this. He sounds like a selfish *** who is using you for a doormat. Kick him and his lazy homeless friend out and see how much fun he has. And as far as being a gifted genius, I don't know to many of them that sit around with unemployed adults and play with video games and walkie talkies. He sounds just like my 10 year old son. Tell him that you are a female and if you wanted kids, you could have some of your own. The end.

I hope YOU HAVE A GREAT NIGHT. YOU, ScaredWife are a helluva person for putting up with his trifling self.

Hugs to YOU, Dear!

04-19-2005, 04:28 AM
All right Scared Wife....i am getting a really weird vibe from your posts about him. The only two things i can come up with in my "sick" little head is.....
A. he is using SOMETHING again... or
B. maybe he is gay/bi-sexual????

Sorry for being so dam blunt. But GOSH.....he sits around all day PLAYING games???? Sounds alot like my KIDS. What is this other guys deal??? Why is he living there, is he a drug-user????

Us addicts will put the drug/person that gives it to us before ANY MEMBER OF OUR FAMILY....i have a sneaking suspicion that this loser is giving your hubby something, that is why he is more valuable to him now than you.

Your husband is mentally tormenting youu and expecting you to be sitting on the side-lines waiting patiently for the few minutes he does spend with you. I know you love him with every bone in your body, but you are going to end up really hurt if this keeps going on this way. He just seems so one way. I was glad to read that he doesn't and hasn't ever hit you.

GO GET A DRUG TEST....test him, who cares if he gets embarrassed in front of his loser friend....do you know how many times i used to lie to my husband and tell him i wasn't using when i WAS..... a million. That is what we addicts do, LIE. And we get pretty dam good at it too, to the point that we can almost believe our own sick lies. If you just test him, you will stop all the questions you have going on in you head.

I still forget how much clean time he claims to have under his belt, but just the thought of laughing and joking and playing games, with only a couple of months sobriety, seems so unlikely to me. Most of us have the hardest time finding joy in ANYTHING for quite some time after we stop the madness of our addiction. He seems to heal pretty quick for a heavy opiate user, i wish i knew his secret, if he is for real. Maybe he is on some sort of maintainance drug....methadone or suboxone???? That would explain his quick recovery. I know he claims he struggled a month back or so, but did you see this with your own eyes???? I don't know, it is so hard for me to give advice when i can relate to BOTH sides. He needs to pee in that cup for you and that will set the pace for what your next plan of attack will be.

You know if he reads this site, and you write when you are planning to test him, he will be FULLY prepared. I hate to sound so dam negative, but i just get a really weird vibe from this whole thing.

Hang in there, O.K.????? I care so much about you, girl. I know you love him so much and i just pray he can see the light some day and see what a wonderful, caring person he has right under his nose. He is blinded by something, i just can't put my finger on what it is....
Stay strong and keep us updated....
lots of love,

04-19-2005, 01:20 PM
Well, letting him read our discussions certainly can't hurt can it? Look, he is probably confused too, and is in inner turmoil about some of his own issues. Just try and keep the communication open, honest and non-accusatory. With time, maybe he will come around, but based on what you've said, I see no concrete signs of it, just a bunch of talk without action. Perhaps he feels (sorry to say this) more of a responsibility to you than love? Maybe he can't bring himself to end the relationship even though he knows its a lost cause? A relationship is a two way street, and he has to be honest with himself and you about wether or not he loves you, and if he does than for Gods sake man, demostrate!

04-19-2005, 04:29 PM
Hi again...thanks for your reply to my experience I shared. I noticed someone posted about perhaps he felt a responsibility to you??
My MR wonderful was bisexual...didn't find that out until we were together over a yr!
He didn't know that when I was asleep...or so he thought...that a picture on the wall covered in glass revealed perfectly the pics he was looking at!
Gay men sites! And conversations he had with them.
Sometimes I would cough or act like I was going to get up...and he closed that window...put up the weather!
The confrontation was not nice when I told him I knew! Then he lied and said..oh he just was comparing his manhood to other men!Got real defensive!!

Then his abuse became worse...blaming me...How dare I accuse him...and so on!I was terrified of him!! He would go out,use crack etc....stay away for days!Then we did come home and I confronted him...he would hit my head and ears.
He wasn't about to give me a black eye...he was going to cause pain that could not be proved!He could say...I fell and hit my head etc....
He was evil! And still is!!!
plz becareful!!!! Hugs je

Scared Wife
04-19-2005, 07:45 PM
Hi Everyone,

Sorry I haven't had a chance to write back sooner. I was tied up in union negotiation meetings from 7:30am until 6pm and it's an off-site meeting. My husband called me at 5 when he was on his way home from work and asked if I was coming out. I told him I would, probably straight from work since the meeting was running late.

I got there somewhere at around 6:30. He filled me in on some problems at the job site he's working at - he had a pretty stressful day. Then his friend came downstairs and he went through it all with him again. The three of us talked about it for awhile. I thought after awhile, maybe his friend would go watch tv in his room to give us some alone time. Didn't happen. Guess I knew it wouldn't happen anyway. I headed for home at 9:30 and here I am, totally whipped from my day.

I intend to let my husband see my posts and yours. I had hoped he'd have gotten something out of the ones I shared, but I just don't feel that he did. As usual, I feel like tonight was pretty much a boring waste. I sure was looking forward to some quiet, one-on-one time and pretty much anticipated the disappointment that came my way.

His friend has a slew of beer bottles all over the kitchen. I guess he has money for that and all the tattoos he sports, but he can't afford to get himself a car or an apartment. My husband feels indebted to him for having helped him out when he (my husband) was a teenager who'd been kicked out by his parents & later reported as a run-away. This guy let him stay with him. I guess the employment my husband gave him last year wasn't enough of a return favor. Somehow I can safely bet the guy was as well-paid as all the other employees, too - usually no less than $15/hour.

Well, if he merely felt a responsibility towards me, then I guess I don't understand why he would continue to call me and ask to be with me. Nor could I understand why he would profess to love me so much either. I'm just a confused, hurting soul here. I'm sure I will know in time what he truly feels, but I think I'm getting a pretty good dose of his true feelings at the present time. Tonight was a disappointment as usual. Tomorrow will probably turn out to be more of the same. Our relationship will only be a lost cause if that's what he wants it to be - and time will tell with that as well. He clearly has no interest in my feelings lately. And if I express them, that doesn't seem to make much difference either.

His behavior certainly does leave you bewildered, doesn't it? Maybe the fact that all of you don't know what to make of it either will bring me some comfort. He kept asking me what was wrong with me tonight - in front of his friend. As if I could speak freely, you know? I just told him I was really tired. For someone who claims to be able to read all other people so well, it amazes me that he couldn't 'read' my total depression. A broken heart sits right there on the other end of the couch, but he can't see it.

Well, I'd better get my tired butt to bed. Hope I can wake up feeling less depressed tomorrow, but I'm not very optimistic. Thank you all for posting. I'm hoping my meeting adjourns by mid-day so I can get to the office to check to see if I've got any replies. I feel like all of you are the only ones keeping me going here this past week.

How are all of you doing with your struggles? I don't want you to think I'm so wrapped up in my screwed up life that I've stopped being concerned about the things you may be dealing with on a day to day basis. Hope all of you are doing well and having a happy week.

Scared Wife

04-19-2005, 08:11 PM
Hey SW....just take it one day at a time, that is all you CAN do. I still am not understanding what is wrong with him. Why doesn't he want some "alone" time with you. That friend of his seems like a real winner. Try to hang in there, and maybe try doing something for YOU tonight, something you would enjoy...get your nails done, take yourself out for chinese, SOMETHING FOR YOU. You are devoting all of your spare time to him and he doesn't even have the brains or class to tell his buddy to give you two a few minutes alone. Have a "you" day real soon. I think it will help with the depression. The more you hang around there, the more he wants you available, only to make you sit there like a bump on a log. Take yourself out tonight, girl. I wish we lived near each other, we could have a girls night out!!! LOL O.k...i was just checking in on ya....
You hang tough!

04-19-2005, 08:50 PM
Scared Wife, Would it be ok if i ask you a few questions? I am very curious. You had said in a previous post how you will often take dinner to him. I was wondering, when you go to visit him do you clean the house? Wash his dishes? Do his laundry? Or do you just visit with him only? Even though the two of you dont live together, does he expect these things from you?

Just curious, GloryGurl

04-19-2005, 09:33 PM
Hi SW,
I've thought and rethought this and haven't come up with a good way to do it but next time he calls and wants to see you, let him know that you feel like a 3rd wheel with 'so-called' friend, the jerk hanging around. Okay he feels obligated because this jerk helped him out once, but in my opinion he has gone over and beyond payback by giving him a place to crash and as I see it, shown no responsibility for himself at all. He should be the one that feels out of place and not you........the gall of some people I swear!!!
Do you think that maybe he feels threatened by you and could be scared that if the two of you had a chance good things might happen for ya'll and that would leave him out in the cold? I'm not suggesting that there is something going on between them, just a couple of friends who have let both of their lives get out of hand and might feel comfortable around each other because they don't feel accepted in the real world. I just can't believe that he is so stupid that he won't allow the two of you to have some time to yourselves.
I don't know Girl, maybe we need to find this jerk a woman.........seriously I just don't understand why he doesn't feel out of place. I'd love to tell you to be as bitchy as you possibly could with him , but I just don't think you've got it in you, you are too kindhearted for that, and it probably wouldn't affect him in the least.
I'm not giving up.............just got to get more creative with our ideas.

That "accepted in the real world "didn't come out like I meant for it to..........but too tired to redo it will explain it better later

Scared Wife
04-20-2005, 05:07 AM
Hi Lisa, GloryGurl & Marilyn,

Thanks for writing. Our meeting was postponed until 9am this morning so I have a few minutes.

I used to do a lot of chores for my husband but then quit because I didn't feel they were appreciated. I did, however, help with laundry & meals while he was dealing with the insomnia because he was about to start a new job. He doesn't seem to want to do anything for himself. That feeling was only reinforced when his friend moved in and cleaned up the house pretty good. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he folds my husband's underwear for him these days. I also took dinner a couple of times each week because he does usually pay for it other times (I don't want to feel like a freeloader) and I realized how he was struggling financially and wanted to treat him.

My acts of love and thoughtfulness go unnoticed and unappreciated. Sunday he told me that a big part of our problem is the fact that I don't believe in him. I always believed in him. I struggle in some areas, but I still believe in him in a lot of ways to this day. Then things like this occur and how can I continue to believe in him? I worked a long day yesterday, too - we both ate a carrot for dinner because by the time he rehashed his day first with me & then his friend, it was getting pretty late.

Sunday, he was telling me of some plans he was giving consideration to with regard to roofing and mentioned 'we' this and 'we' that. There'd always been a great deal of confusion in the past over who that 'we' entailed so I did ask who he meant. He said, "Me and you! Who did you think?" I said I just wanted clarification because in the past it usually meant him and his parents, etc. Anyone but me. Again, he told me that I don't believe in him. I told him I only wanted the clarification so I wouldn't make a wrong assumption that would leave me feeling hurt, confused & disappointed in the future.

Last night, his friend stuck to us like glue. I thought he'd eventually go upstairs to watch tv or something but instead, he sat there playing on my husband's laptop visiting sleazy chat rooms. I guess my husband isn't as worried about his friend accidently downloading a virus like he'd always been with me using the computer in the past. Nor does he seem to mind the 'sleaze' lifestyle that he criticized other people for so often in the past. Beer bottles stacked all over the place and some tramp who claims to be his friend's girlfriend coming & going.

I guess what I don't understand is this. My husband always wants to know what I'm feeling and why. That's why I shared the posts. It seems like when I let him know how I'm feeling or what's bothering me, he does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING with the information. I don't get it. If he doesn't care, why the hell does he even ask? Another headgame?

Last night the 3 of us were kidding around for awhile about some things. When I'd met my husband, I was in the middle of starting a Xmas tree farm on my vacant lot - I (with the help of my family) typically would plant about 100 seedlings each year. I also wanted to grow a pumpkins to sell in the fall since I've got plenty of room. He used to ridicule me, telling me it was a waste of time and a joke. That I'd never make money off of something like that. Turns out his boss started out selling trees/pumpkins and he told me about it saying, "You're never going to let me live this one down, wait til you hear this..." I laughed about it and, of course, teased him about not believing in me. He said, "Well, Phil started out big - with about 100 acres.." or something like that. I said, "Well, everyone has to start somewhere." The next thing I know, I feel like I'm being picked on a little extensively in front of his friend. I took it all in stride and with fun...yet I felt like he was showing off for his friend or something.

Well, I didn't get much sleep last night. Just wish I could turn off my brain and my heart at bedtime. Try as I might, it never works. I was sitting on the patio having a cigarette at 3am and had to be up at 6am. I know I shouldn't let him get to me, but you know how it is and I'm sure you can sense, too, the way he seems to play with my head. Making me feel like the love of his life one minute and like dirt the next. It hurts when you love someone who treats you that way - and I know a lot of it is my own fault for sticking around. It's just so hard to leave because I know he is capable of being so much nicer and kindhearted. Things sure started to slide downhill ever since his friend showed up.

How are all of you doing? Having a good day? This meeting has been pretty interesting & educational for me. It gets boring at times though, too. At least the lunches I ordered are great! :) Have a great day and I will check in as soon as I can. I don't know what to say to him when he calls today to ask if I'm coming out. I'm tempted to ask, "Do you really even want me to?"

Scared Wife

04-20-2005, 05:34 AM
Scared wife,

A therapist told me this once, and I tell my grandkids all the time........

The best way to pick your friends is to judge how they make you feel about yourself. Do you feel happy and "good" about yourself when you leave their company; or sad and "bad" about yourself when you leave them. If they make you feel "bad" about yourself, believe me, they are NO friend. Friends don't do that. If you're feeling "crazy" when you leave someone's company, usually, you're being manipulated.

Sometimes we become so focused on the other person, we stop taking care of ourselves. Right now, you need to take care of YOU!

For a relationship to be "whole," each person has to be invested in 3 ways. Physically.......emotionally.....financi ally. Check your relationship with him. Does he invest in YOU in any of those ways. It sounds like you are investing in him, but he isn't returning the investment.

Take care of yourself! You're a kind, loving person and you need someone who treats you that way. You deserve to have your affections returned!


04-20-2005, 07:05 AM
BRAVO SANDY !!!! You said it all in your post !

Scared Wife, You seem to have it all down and dont seem in denial about anything in regards to your relationship with your husband. I know that you love him dearly and you just dont want to give up, but i was wondering, how long are you planning on investing your whole heart and soul while getting practically NOTHING but hurt,pain, and disrespect in return?

You deserve so much more than that. Life is too short to waste it. I would most definately be agressive about this relationship, i would tell him what you are willing to do and give while also telling him what you want and expect in return. When he calls you today and asks if you are coming over, i would tell him how much you want to see him.....not his friend. Explain to him that you mean no disrespect to his friend but you need alone time with him. You married him not him and his friend. :)

I wish you luck along with love and the respect that you sooooo deserve!

04-20-2005, 08:55 AM
Frankly, I don't know what to make of the situation anymore. But if your willing to put up with this, its on you. I think you need to make up your mind and either tell him to shape up, or you should move on with your life. Your posts go in big circles you know? You don't like this situation, but he shows "signs" of still wanting to be with you. But he isn't doing anything bold to prove it. He has a bucket full of "excuses" for his behavior, but the behavior never changes. I know what I would do, but thats me. I do wish you the best of luck and hope that you end up with what you want out of all this mess. Regards.......

Scared Wife
04-20-2005, 01:07 PM
When it was just the two of us together, we laughed and joked. Ever since his friend came into the picture, it feels as though it gradually spins into some sort of competition or something. As you can see, he does go in circles and takes me along for the ride. I want to have a heart to heart talk with him about the way I feel, but the opportunity hasn't come along. I feel if he's serious about 'us' in anyway, he will set down some ground rules for his friend with this whole 'favor' thing. My energy is again sapped. I don't have much left to give. I'd perked up a bit when I felt he was giving me a little something in return. How quickly it can fade...

It's nearly time to wrap it up here for the day at work. I'll try to sign on later this evening...if this storm doesn't knock out the power.

Hope all of you are having a great day!

Scared Wife

04-20-2005, 04:47 PM
Scared Wife....
It is time for you to lay down the law and MEAN IT!
Stop allowing him to treat you this way! You have to take your life back...be your own person...not sad,disrespected,treated bad and think you deserve that!
Get MAD....Reclaim you!!!
You don't need him!!! Kick him to the curb!!!!
You are worthy of such better treatment!!! JE

Scared Wife
04-21-2005, 05:27 AM
Hi JaneEllen & Everyone Else,

I know, my relationship with my husband has been an emotional roller coaster. And I do take responsibility for some of the pain I endure as I am the dummy who continues to stick around. He makes it hard though with all of the mixed messages he sends me. One minute he will refer to me as his wife, the next minute he makes me feel like I'm just another 'buddy'.

We talked again last night. I went prepared - in case if his friend stayed glued to us. I had a note in my pocket that I was going to pass to my husband if that turned out to be the case. It said, "Any chance that we can have some alone time tonight?" By slipping a note, I wouldn't be offending his friend.

His friend went upstairs to take a shower. So I sat down & looked over his blueprints he was working with. He asked if I'd slept well the night before & I told him not very well at all. He said maybe I had the insomnia he'd had and I told him I thought it was probably due to stress, etc.

He asked what had been bothering me all week so I told him. I mentioned that it seems like one-on-one time is pretty hard to come by and the situation's made even more difficult because of a lack of opportunity to tell him what I'm feeling or needing. He got upset & said he'd asked me the night before what was wrong and that I told him I was tired...he said, "So you lied to me and you said that you wouldn't lie..." I told him that I WAS in fact tired from a long day of meetings and didn't want to say anything about the '3 being a crowd sometimes' with his friend sitting right there 3 feet away. He said I could've asked him to step outside or into another room. I agreed but said I felt that would be pretty obvious to his friend, who I was trying not to offend, and that I did ask him if he felt like going for a walk for that very purpose & he'd said no.

I tried to explain my feelings and he told me the whole thing more or less was my fault. He'd given me several opportunities to move back in and that I had not. He doesn't want to look at the "why's" for that decision though and this is a perfect example. A person's feelings are not 'wrong' yet he will always tell me that mine are just that. I told him that I was feeling like a doormat after having devoted my time and energy to helping him recover from insomnia, find a job, see a dentist, etc. He told me that I should not be doing things for people with expectations in return, that I should be doing them because I want to and for no other reason. Apparently gratitude and appreciation are wrong for me to expect.

So guess what? He flipped the whole situation around back to me and made it all my responsibility. His attitude is bizarre and he told me I have issues with insecurity and he cannot fix that. Quite a discussion we had. Someone wrote earlier about being manipulated and I pretty much feel that I was manipulated last night. How do people do that? I mean, with this as an example...a person comes to you telling you gently that you are hurting them and you tell them it's their fault somehow and THEY end up doing the apologizing? I just don't get that.

He again told me that I don't believe in him. I told him there were a lot of things about him that I believe in or I wouldn't be there. Our opinions are not always going to be one and the same. I told him it disappointed me that by sharing some of the posts I printed, he seemed to absorb nothing out of them...by that, I mean my pain and broken heart. He told me that he feels the only reason I write to this board is to get sympathy. That I probably wear a mask when I write here. While sympathy is some of what gets relayed back to me, I also feel that someone here will tell me when I'm off-base. I also feel understanding and compassion on this board. I'd really thought he'd pick up on my feelings being expressed and that it might open his eyes even a crack. Apparently, it didn't.

So anyhow - just thought I'd relay to you last night's conversation. He is building a wall between us and I told him so. If that is what he wants, I cannot stop it either. I will just have to prepare myself as best I can.

Well, I'd better get some work done here. Hope all of you are having a great Thursday. It's cold and dreary here again...back to coats!

Scared Wife

04-21-2005, 08:29 AM
Okay Scared Wife, its time for you to flush the toilet or get off the pot do you know what I mean? What in the heck DO you want your husband to do? If he keeps re-framing your problems in order to place the blame completely on you, this is wrong. Regardless of wether or not its true, you feel, what you feel, you know? Its really a pretty simple matter of him simply adjusting a few things. Does he let you finish a sentence or does he interrupt you in the middle of a thought? Is he defensive? Passive? Does he seem to seek your true meaning behind your words? Does he make a serious attempt to ascertain your feelings, your perspective? And do you do the same? This friend of his, if I were you, I'd go ahead and have my heart to heart with your husband even if this parasite were sitting in the same room. Why are you worried about hurting his buddies feelings? Screw him! You are trying to save your marraige here! Ask his buddy to leave the room or ask your husband to go for a walk outside so you can speak freely if his friends presence bothers you, or your husband. You have simply got to get to the bottem of this and pull his feelings out of him. It is obvious to me that he has not done that yet. It seems that you get "sidetracked" from your original train of thought and end up talking about everything except what you want to talk to him about. Come on Scared Wife! When are you going to put your foot down?! I'm sorry, but I'm getting frustrated at your letting yourself be treated this way. In a way, your husband might be right about you coming here for sympathy, but only you know this for sure. The next post I'd like to see from you is one in which you state that you've gotten to the root cause of your husbands bizarre behavior, or you've told him to go live his life since he seems to be just fine the way things are currently. I'm sorry, if I hurt your feelings, that isn't my intent. I'm simply trying to tell you that you come here and post more or less the same things everytime. You try to talk with your husband, and he flips the issue around to make it sound like its all your fault, is it? And that you don't want to offend his parasitic buddy, forget about his buddy, what does he matter in the bigger picture? He is nothing, one day he will move on and be gone. And then your husband is going to look around and realize you are gone. Then how will he feel? Is it then that he will come crawling back to you? After his "good times" have passed? Will it be then, that he realizes that he loves you and wants you back? Force the issue, give him an ultimatum, make him make a decision for Christ sake! This is driving me nuts, you ARE allowing yourself to be manipulated and to be used as a door mat. Do you see that? Open your eyes, you deserve more! Do something........

04-21-2005, 08:51 AM
I agree with DCV....its harsh but real. I was once in ScaredWife's boat and it sunk! I let it sink and moved on. You can only be treated like a door mat so many times before you get fed up....I guess the question is....ARE YOU FED UP? It sounds like some major co-dependency issues going on here...and its hard to seperate from that. I of all people know this to be true. But you have to think about YOU here. Not your husband or his problems. I'd have one last talk with him...write out everything that you want to say and practice. If he isnt willing to do what you want....then get a divorce and move on with your life. There are so many men out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. That won't manipulate you into thinking that you are always in the wrong. Don't you want to be happy again? You need to love yourself more than you are right now at this very moment. Respect yourself and others will do the same. Please girl...for yourself and your self love and respect...do this! Post after its all said and done and we will all be here to listen and give support. We just want what's best for you....no mean intentions here...just worried about you and your well being. Lots of hugs and luv :angel:

04-21-2005, 09:18 AM
Scared Wife,

He's telling you he's "unavailable."

He is not going to be sympathetic or empathetic, or hear your side of it, or take your feelings into consideration, or try to make your life easier by removing his friend from the picture.

It's not gonna happen. You're not his first priority. He's "unavailable," and you can't MAKE him be available.

Your choices are:

Waste your time with someone who is NOT AVAILABLE for you or move on.

04-21-2005, 02:10 PM
DCV and Diva has basically said it all and very accurately i must say.
Scared Wife, I dont think there is one of us here that has ill intentions towards you. We all care about you, that is why it has come to a point to be honest and straight up with you even though the words may sting a little.

I have followed your story from day one, which was months ago, as far as i can tell there has been not one bit of change with the way your husband acts or treats you, yet you still go back for more. I do respect the sanctity of marriage, and i do have the upmost respect for you in the aspect of trying to work things out and keep it intact if at all possible, however, there comes a time when you realize you have done all you can do and move on. It takes two to make a marriage work, as far as i can see you are making the sole effort. In EVERY SINGLE ONE of your posts it is always YOU who is going to his house, YOU who leaves work early to go with him to the doctors or the dentist, it is ALWAYS YOU running to him. Honey, i was in a relationship much like yours and it was i too who was always going to him....that is not how it is supposed to be. If he is truely interested in making this marriage work he would be coming to you......NO EXCUSES. PERIOD. If he doesnt feel comfortable at your mothers home, so be it, he could ask you to meet him at a nearby restaurant, park, anywhere.

I know that many of us here have suggested many times for you to just lay all your cards on the table, come right out and tell him everything, you once again go to his home, you start to tell him (it also sounds like you are doing it very timidly) but never really finish because YOU let him turn it around on you. NO MORE..... it's time you "stop being that scared little kitty" and take a stand. Tell him just how you feel, what you want, what you are willing to give or change to make your marriage work. To actually live like a married couple should. If he isnt willing, then STOP wasting your precious life and walk out that door and keep on going and dont look back.

Its the best thing you can do for yourself. As everyone here has told you........ you deserve better!!!!!!!! Like i said, i was married to a guy just like your hubby, i stayed and i repeatedly tried to make it work all the while he was treating me in the same respect that your hubby treats you.
I finally realized how short life is and that i didnt deserve to be treated like that, i found my backbone and i told him like it was. I packed up and like you, i moved to my mothers. Once i was gone he realized what he had lost and came crawling back, by then it was to late. I soon after met a man who treated me like a princess. I NEVER HAD TO GO TO HIM, it didnt matter if i was working, he was always there waiting for me at the end of my shift. When i started dating him that is when i was shown what true love is all about. I have been with this man now for 15 years. Our relationship is better now than when we first got together. He is my soul mate and i am so glad that i decided to stop being the other drug addicted idiots doormat.

You see, your prince charming is out there waiting for you. SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??????


04-21-2005, 03:30 PM
Dear Sw...........
LOVE DOES NOT HURT.............and you are hurting!

You deserve not to hurt...........