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Nervous Nellie
05-02-2005, 08:51 AM
Hello everyone. For the past few days I've been reading a lot of posts by parents, especially Moms, that are worried about their teenage drug addicts/alcoholics.

My own son became a drug addict at 15 and at the age of 16 he was thrown out of the house. I am a single parent with another teenage boy, and we could no longer afford the abuse and vandalism and theft that my older son inflicted on us. It got so bad that my younger son asked if he could have a lock on his bedroom door, to keep his brother out.

My older son, Mike is now almost 18, and just before he finally turned around he was sentenced to a drug rehab facility. He escaped from there and went AWOL for 5 weeks. During that time, I truly thought he was dead. I buried him every single night in my dreams. It was a nightmare beyond belief.

One night, after 5 weeks of his absence, I received this phone call. It was my son begging for help. This was the turning point. This is what finally saved his life. Prior to this night, it was always me trying to get him back against his will...this time, it was him, trying to be brought back...trying to be rescued.



ACT 1

Mike: Hello, Mom?

Mom: Mike?

Mike: I'm okay, Mom.

Mom: How dare you??? I thought you were dead!!!

Mike: I am so, so sorry, Mom...I didn't mean to worry you, or Dad or Dave.

Mom: HOW @%$#&*ing DARE you????

Mike: I'm so sorry, Mom.

Mom: (garbled expletives...for about 3 minutes..)

Mike: Wait, Mom...don't hang up...please...don't hang up!

Mom: (Hangs up)

Mom: (Calls police...she knows where he is)

ACT 2

SECOND PHONE CALL:

Mike: Mom..please...can I have your postal code? I need to send you a letter! I need to explain...I need to tell you why I hurt you and Dad so much...I need to tell you what was going on in my mind....

Mom: Yeah, yeah... whatever, Mike...I am SO done with this!!!!

Mike: Mom...PLEASE!

Mom: I am so done with this, Mike! I thought you were dead for the last 5 weeks and after burying you every night for the past month, I am numb!!! You do what you have to do! (Mom is on another call on her cell phone, the map is out...he has been located...police are on the way).

Mike: Mom! Mom! Please don't.....

"CLICK"

ACT 3

His friends told him to use *67...”Don't call your Mom without blocking this number, man...don't do it!”

He said...”that's okay, she won't do anything anyway…”

(Mike had popped 23 ecstasy pills in less than 2 days. His lips were blue, his jaw was clenched so tight...he tried to order a glass of water at a local yogurt place but he couldn't get the words out. His body was shutting down. His eyes were darting...he freaked himself out...his body didn't feel good anymore, in fact it felt extraordinarily bad. He was out of control, even to himself. He came with his buddy, Eric, to this location, to this phone, to get some sleep…and maybe call his mother…he was crying and crying…

Mikey wasn't getting high anymore...actually the more he tried to reach Nirvana, the worse it became…it was a pretty bad trip. His body started to rebel, in a very bad way. Was this what dying felt like? Was this it? Was this the end?)

ACT 4

(A knock on the door...)

Eric: Who the hell is that?

Mike: It's for me.

Eric: What?

Mike: (Standing up and walking to the door...) It’s for me…

(Door opens...the police are there)

Police: We’re here for Mike.

Mike: (Whispering to himself…very quietly) …Thank God…

Police: Turn around, hands behind your back...


Nellie

P.S. This led to his "voluntary" stint in rehab for 6 months. Any efforts at rehab prior to this were futile. I am happy to report that he graduated and is doing fine so far...but it had to come from HIM...not from me.

KFld
05-02-2005, 12:03 PM
WOW!!! I have chills after reading this, and the other half of me wants to sit down and ball my eyes out because I am so afraid of where my son is heading. I'm afraid of the road it will take and what I am about to go home to. I know when we drug test him today that the results are going to mean huge decisions that I need to brace myself for.
Thank you for sharing your story. Many of you have done this the last few days since I started posting and I really appreciate it. All of you so far have had good endings, and I'm praying mine wil too.
Now I just have to hope he's home when I get home and hasn't left for work yet. If he has we may not see him until later tonight and I don't want to call him and ask him to come home because he will know why.
I'll let everyone know tomorrow how it turned out.

Nervous Nellie
05-03-2005, 06:58 AM
Oh hon, I know how you feel. Not all kids will wind up like mine did, he was at the extreme end of the scale. When a kid is that bent on "doing his own thing", there's really nothing to stop him except to pray that his own rock bottom will occur before something really bad happens to him/her.

I don't think the majority of kids are like that. On the other hand, any drug addict/alcoholic is very clever and good at lying and deception and will even convince himself that he doesn't have a problem.

In my son's case there was a "happy ending" yes, but we all have to remember that each and every day takes a conscious effort on his part to keep it that way.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your own son.

Nellie

jessy28
05-03-2005, 10:49 AM
I am recovering from heroin and everything else and have been clean for over three years now. My life went down the tubes fast and it all started with a little weed, then acid, then a little cocain, then a lot of exctasy, ect...... anyway my parents were done with me too. They had talked me into going to rahab a million times and i always left. Once they cut me off and were just not hearing it anymore I kept going down hill. eventually I hit rock bottom and wanted to change and get off of it all and get better. I am sooo thankful that my parents completely cut me off. Tough love saved my life. For once I had no one except me to help me out so I had to get me better.

Nervous Nellie
05-03-2005, 11:17 AM
Jessy,

First off all, kudos to you for conquering your addiction! 3 years! WOW! Congratulations.

I don't know your specific history, but I do know it wasn't easy for you to get to the place that you are today. Thank you for sharing your story...I would love to hear more if you ever feel that you can share more. Especially about what it was that turned you around and made you choose life...

Again, congratulations, kiddo. I don't even know you, but I am proud of you! :)

Nellie

jessy28
05-03-2005, 04:27 PM
Nervous Nellie
You said the exact thing "i choose life". I finally knew that if I did not stop I would die out there using. It was like the light finally just went on and I was so sick of being miserable. I was sick of it all, the high, and everything that was a result of it... which was my whole life and every feeling I had along with all the people I was hurting. My whole life had been consumed with addiction for years. It had eaten my soul and myself right up. I am 28 now. I came from a good family and a very nice neighborhood. We all got into the Grateful Dead way back and got into partying when I was growing up. One thing led to another through the years and eventually we took it to a whole other level. There were many that did not approve in my social group and quit a few of us that went completely there. We just thought it was one more kind of party. Well little did each of us know , years later it would be our worst nightmare. Every one of us battled it for over 5 years to find ourselves in rehabs, jails, hospitals, ect.... Eventually every one of us came to a point where it was time to be over. Our over period usually started with a nice jail stay first honestly. But for once we got out and did not go back and made some changes in our lives.

KFld
05-04-2005, 04:28 AM
I know my son hates us for what he feels we are doing to him now. Invading his life and his privacy, but I pray that one day he will thank us. Not that I am in any means doing this to get thanks, but I have heard many stories where this has torn families apart and even when there child recovered, they still never healed the wounds of what happened to get them there.

jessy28
05-04-2005, 09:54 AM
KFld
I thought my relationships with my parents would never heal. I was awful. I stole from them , lied to them over and over and over, and disappeared making them think I was dead, made a million empty promises, would go to rehabs to please them and get their hopes up and then leave and not tell them having them only find out when they came to visit, ect...... After years of that it was killing them. They finally had to just say enough was enough. They did their best to just not think about it and let go. I am a new mom of 5 days and I can't imagine how hard that was for them. They were just waiting for the call saying I was dead. When I finally did get clean it was with out their help and away from them. They had gotten their hopes up so many times that they truely kept their distance for the first year or almost two. I was not a nice person to be around when I was messed up. It broke their heart to see me like that (killing myself). It was easier at some point to just not see me. Well eventually I went for a visit after about a year and half clean. I did not go through the whole amends process with them for the 10th time. I would do that every time I got clean for the 30 days I stayed that way. Anyway, I went for the visit, and just hung out. We did not talk about drugs or any of that, just every day things like, work, friends, funny things we ran across or funny stories. No promises were made and talk of sobriety we initiated on my part. When asked how I was doing, for the first time in my life I could look them in the eye and actually say really good, I am ok now. The damage that it caused to all of us while i was using almost got washed away with love. With a few more visits they started feeling comfortable loving me again. They were able to look at their child and see me smile genuinly for the first time in years, they were able to hear me REALLY laugh, and were able to see me comfortable in my own skin and able to just enjoy the day with out my wheels turning in my head about how I would get high (kill myself). That alone, and the fact that they know I was sorry or else I would not have stopped, and the fact that they could love me with out hurting themselves again was enough to eventually forgive. I love my parents for what they did for me. All of it, the support, and especially the tough love and making me go out there and kill myself on my own and get better on my own too. I got myself there and it was me who needed to get myself out of it. In the end I am now over 3 years clean and just had my first child on april 29th. My parents and I have a wonderful relationship and I do not hate them for anything they ever did , nor do they hate me. When they bring up any of the bad stuff I did, I just say with disgust of the memory, I was an awful person back then and I am sorry. They know I am disgusted with who I used to be and they also know that it was someone else.

KFld
05-04-2005, 10:28 AM
Thank you for telling me all of that. It really helps, especially because I know things are going to get much worse today with the decisions we made and he will hate us even more, but hopefully just for a short time. I think that is the hardest thing for a mother to feel, maybe even a father, though I can't feel what a father feels, for their child to hate them, or atleast think they do for the time being. I don't think my son will ever truly understand why we are doing what we are doing until, or if he ever has a child of his own. Sometimes being a parent is the most wonderful thing in the entire world and other times it's the absolute worst. I bet you look at your little baby and realize already that you will do anything in the world to protect that little innocent person and truly understand everything your parents did to do the same for you. I just have to remember that whether he appreciates it someday or not, it is still what I need to do because I'm doing this to save his life, not my own. :(

jessy28
05-04-2005, 12:50 PM
Even before I had this baby I understood. I understood while using and even more after I stopped. There were times I thought I hated them but as time went on I realized they did what they had to do. They did what they did only because they loved me. I knew that. It just took a while. How old is your son? My problems started when I was young. I am now 28. You stick to your guns. And just keep telling him it is only because you love him. He will understand later on.

HURTINGMOM
05-04-2005, 02:22 PM
Your story reminded me of what I am going through with my son. He just turned 19. He started experimenting with pot, then meth. My husband and I have tried and tried to help him. We are at the end, we don't know what to do. My heart breaks every day when I look at him. I remember the way he used to be. He isn't in school, he doesn't have a job, he sometimes leaves and comes back in a day or two. We sent him to two rehabs. Then he checked himself into a rehab. All of which were short term 30 - 45 days. This last time, since he was the one that checked himself in, we thought he had hit bottom. When he got out, he seemed better, more like the son I used to know. Then he started running around with the same bunch and I know he is back to using drugs again. I have no idea where he is getting the money at. Before, he was stealing from us. But now, I have taken and locked up almost I value and I told him that if he steals from us again we will kick him out. I have set rules, like, finding a job, or going to school, but he just never follows them. I feel mostly numb and sad.

I just hope and pray that some day soon, before it is too late, that he finds himself and decides that he has had enough, but I don't think it will happen anytime soon. I now have been finding glue, and marking pens in his pants pockets!!!!!

hurting mom

valleygurl
05-04-2005, 05:59 PM
Your story reminded me of what I am going through with my son. He just turned 19. He started experimenting with pot, then meth. My husband and I have tried and tried to help him. We are at the end, we don't know what to do. My heart breaks every day when I look at him. I remember the way he used to be. He isn't in school, he doesn't have a job, he sometimes leaves and comes back in a day or two. We sent him to two rehabs. Then he checked himself into a rehab. All of which were short term 30 - 45 days. This last time, since he was the one that checked himself in, we thought he had hit bottom. When he got out, he seemed better, more like the son I used to know. Then he started running around with the same bunch and I know he is back to using drugs again. I have no idea where he is getting the money at. Before, he was stealing from us. But now, I have taken and locked up almost I value and I told him that if he steals from us again we will kick him out. I have set rules, like, finding a job, or going to school, but he just never follows them. I feel mostly numb and sad.

I just hope and pray that some day soon, before it is too late, that he finds himself and decides that he has had enough, but I don't think it will happen anytime soon. I now have been finding glue, and marking pens in his pants pockets!!!!!

hurting mom

Hi There Hurting Mom, Welcome to the boards and to our family here! I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I have 5 children of my own (i say that because i am currently raising 8 children. I have 2 nephews and a neice that live with me) My two older children are a boy 18 and a girl 17. My boy has ADHD, ODD and OCD, it seemed that he was always doing stupid stuff in school and getting into trouble so i always figured that he would be my problem child when it came to Drugs and Alcohol.

As it turns out, my daughter is the one who made poor choices in experimenting with alcohol, marijuanna and pain pills. Luckily i am not a naive parent, for i have been there and done that so my children have a hard time getting away with anything without me finding out. I make sure that i am right on top of things and i know what my kids are doing most of the time.
When i found out that my daughter had experimented i confronted her about it. She of course was contemplating denying it but i told her not to bother, i knew all about it. She is the type of child who likes to experiment and makes poor judgement calls, but thankfully for the most part she is not a repeat offender. Especially after i have a talk with her. I tell her that i dont approve of what she has done, that it is not acceptable and that it dissapoints me when she makes a poor decision. She is the type of child who is eager to please and always wants acceptance, so when i tell her how hurt and disappointed i am at what she has done, it totally breaks her heart.

I am open and honest with my children when it comes to poor choices that i had made when i was younger. I own what i have done and i dont believe in lieing to paint a perfect picture of my past. I tell them and admit that i made poor choices and that as much as i hope that they would take my word and learn from my mistakes i know realistically that they have to learn on their own from there own mistakes.

A big thing for me is teaching responsibility and accountability to my children. I truely also believe in tough love with them. They are both seniors in high school this year and they both work full time jobs after school putting in a minimum of 40 hours per week. They both know the rules and standards there father and i set for them. No tolerance to alcohol and drugs. They decide to use, they are OUT of the house. I have also preached to them that if they should decide to make a bad choice and break the law, should they go to jail, they will be sitting there for awhile.

I think that i am just rambling now, but really, i wanted to say hi and welcome to the boards!

Talk to you soon, Valley

jessy28
05-05-2005, 08:09 AM
Valley,
My son is now 6 days old. I have been doing really good handling the new mom responsiblilities and loving it. Today I just feel worn down. I did get sleep. He is starting to get a cold I think. I just wish my husband was home today. I just wish it were both of us doing this today. I think I need a break but my husband looks to me for answeres when he does not know what to do. I don't know how I know what to do except I spend more time with him and have the motherly instinct thing going for me. I hope the baby blues are not setting in today. If so, would this be normal at all?
HURTINGMOM,
It is a very hard thing for you to have to cope with. Eventually if he does not stop you might have to consider the tough love approach at it's fullest. Like you love him but he has to go and he has to go for good. And the thing about that is that, if it gets to that, you have to also make clear that even if he gets clean he needs to be clean for a while before you will trust he is comitted and will come to support him again. It sounds as if you have heard it all before as of now. I feel for you. Pray! even if you do not believe in a God , just pray to whatever power might be out there.

Nervous Nellie
05-05-2005, 09:44 AM
Your story reminded me of what I am going through with my son. He just turned 19. He started experimenting with pot, then meth. My husband and I have tried and tried to help him. We are at the end, we don't know what to do. My heart breaks every day when I look at him. I remember the way he used to be. He isn't in school, he doesn't have a job, he sometimes leaves and comes back in a day or two. We sent him to two rehabs. Then he checked himself into a rehab. All of which were short term 30 - 45 days. This last time, since he was the one that checked himself in, we thought he had hit bottom. When he got out, he seemed better, more like the son I used to know. Then he started running around with the same bunch and I know he is back to using drugs again. I have no idea where he is getting the money at. Before, he was stealing from us. But now, I have taken and locked up almost I value and I told him that if he steals from us again we will kick him out. I have set rules, like, finding a job, or going to school, but he just never follows them. I feel mostly numb and sad.

I just hope and pray that some day soon, before it is too late, that he finds himself and decides that he has had enough, but I don't think it will happen anytime soon. I now have been finding glue, and marking pens in his pants pockets!!!!!

hurting mom

Hurting Mom,

Your son is an adult now, by most standards. If you and your husband weren't around to support him, what would he do? Does he have ANY life skills at all?

You've modified the trusting environment of your family home, to accomodate him. In other words, you are locking up your valuables from a family member who should be the one that you trust without reservation. What's wrong with this picture?

The glue and marking pens in his pant's pockets are likely because he's huffing. It's a cheap way to get a high, for sure.

As long as your son knows that he has a safe haven to come home to, regardless of his drug abuse, he has no reason to change. His drug abuse has affected his lifestyle in that he is not a contributing member of society at all. No job, no school, he's certainly not paying his way, as any adult should.

A drug addict who is a child will use the parental love thing to ensure that he doesn't have to change. Don't be surprised if he brings up long ago hurts from the past to point out YOUR shortcomings as parents and blames YOU for his drug addiction. That is a classic.

He's going to be totally lost when you guys are no longer there to shelter him from reality. You have a choice, I guess....wait and see if he gets better on his own, or force his hand, and demand better from him now.

How will he ever survive in the outside world without Mom and Dad?

He's got to realize that he's responsible for himself. He's got to take that responsibilty.

Nellie

HURTINGMOM
05-05-2005, 12:02 PM
Thanks All, I wasn't meaning to take away from Nellie's post. I have been reading some of the posts and can feel for all of you. I did not mention that I have kicked my son out before a few times. I have been having a problem because my husband and I sometimes are on the same page and other times are not. Before, when I would tell him to leave, he would show back up and I would tell him that he would have to leave. But, if my husband was home, he would allow him to come in, take a shower, get clean clothes and eat! I would get into huge arguments with him for doing that. I said, basically you are giving him everything he needs except a place to sleep. After he checked himself in to rehab and got out, I set up the other rules, but again I am at a place where I feel numb and even though I suspect stuff is going on, I can not enforce any of the rules. I am sure soon, I will get strong again and will be able to. I have given him until next Friday to find a job. That is ridiculous that he isn't working, there are jobs everywhere around here. He still claims he can't find a job, again I wonder if it is because they drug test you and he knows that he will fail, who knows.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't say a prayer for my son, usually several times a day. I know, deep down that unless he truly wants it, it will not happen. I just wish I could help him.

Anyway, I'll stop babbling.

I wish you all luck.

jessy28
05-05-2005, 02:24 PM
HURTINGMOM,
When he goes out to look for a job do you take him or does he go on his own? There is a possibility that if he goes on his own he is not going at all. I know every time I used to leave the house I would use it as my time away to go and screw around. I always said I was either "going to a meeting", or "going to look for a job". I never did either. You are right as far as when you kick him out not letting him even shower there. The thing is when you run with drug addicts, which if you are one most likely you do, if you don't have your family to supply you with the daily things you need you can't count on them for long either. It only takes so long before they themselves can't keep the stuff they need. Like a place to live, a place to shower, food, ect.... It becomes a scary place out there when you are all alone and don't have anyone. But the flip side to that is that it is really scary but scary enough that you realize that either you get it together for yourself or no one else will and what you are stuck with at that moment will either stay that way or get worse. It is kind of like living alone for the first time with no one to help you. If you don't clean your house, and no one else will either, then either it will continue to get disgusting or you will have to bustle up the energy to clean it. It sucks when it is really dirty too. You just look at it and sigh and think " Where the heck do I even start? I don't feel like doing this at all. But something has to get done because I hate living in this crap hole." One day you wake up and pick a place and just start. It is the same with addiction. It is a really messy house with clutter everywhere and it is overwhelming to think about cleaning. But, one day you wake up and think enough is enough. It is time to start this change. And you jump in head first. Down the road a bit it gets better and the mess does not seem as big. I am rambling. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking if they just clean the bathroom the house will be cleaner. We all make that mistake. But eventually we realize the whole house has to be cleaned. You sound like a very tired and worn out loving parent. He will hopefully just get to his bottom quick and decide to get better. I hope that your realize, and it sounds like you do, that helping him not hit bottom and enabling him to not feel the direct consequences of his actions will only postpone the process. Good luck. When I was messing up big time and still had my parent's place to stay it was easy to not see what effect my using had on me. I was not homeless, starving, not showering, and some freak in a drug house. The thing is I might as well have been because if it were not for my parents at that time I would have been. And the lesson of using will get you those things is one that needs to be taught.

HURTINGMOM
05-06-2005, 01:56 PM
Thank you to all who are trying to help me.I try to take him to look for a job. I offer to take off from work and take him. But his reply is always no, my friend will take me. I don't have any doubt that he probably isn't looking for work when he leaves the house, otherwise he would have a job. Right now, there are tons of jobs out there. I keep giving him a list of places that have signs up. I just want him to be better, you know. I am tired of crying, tired of worrying, tired of being scared for him and tired of him mouthing off to me. I know that there is still a good, smart person that could be an asset to society in there some where. If he could just want to be clean enough to make it happen. I want to see him grow up and be able to take care of himself in his own place some day.

Thanks again.

jessy28
05-06-2005, 03:34 PM
There is a good person in there. Right now the drugs have covered it with a dark cloud is all. I feel so bad for you. Good luck. Pray and keep praying

Nervous Nellie
05-06-2005, 04:23 PM
Thank you to all who are trying to help me.I try to take him to look for a job. I offer to take off from work and take him. But his reply is always no, my friend will take me. I don't have any doubt that he probably isn't looking for work when he leaves the house, otherwise he would have a job. Right now, there are tons of jobs out there. I keep giving him a list of places that have signs up. I just want him to be better, you know. I am tired of crying, tired of worrying, tired of being scared for him and tired of him mouthing off to me. I know that there is still a good, smart person that could be an asset to society in there some where. If he could just want to be clean enough to make it happen. I want to see him grow up and be able to take care of himself in his own place some day.

Thanks again.

He has to learn to love himself as much as you love him. He has to want good things for himself as much as you want them for him.

You want him to stand on his own two feet. Right now it's possible that it's the furthest thing from his mind. Despite the fact that you were a loving parent who gave her child everything...sometimes that child just doesn't "get it".

My own drug-addicted son was incredibly intelligent and was tested for "giftedness" twice in his short school career. He was head and shoulders above the majority in terms of aptitude and ability to reason. He always saw through the theories and had valid arguments as to why they were flawed. His intelligence bordered on genius, and yet he couldn't cope with simple day-to-day life.

This same gift, this same talent in my older son, also made it harder for him to conform and find a place to "fit in" as a functioning part of society.

I'm still wondering how he's going to harness his abilities. He doesn't want to, but he now seems to realize that he HAS to. To survive, to be self-sufficient, to make his way in society...he doesn't want to do it on present society's terms, but he finally knows that he has to.

I know how it feels HURTING MOM, to be a hurting mom. :( You are not alone and your son is not unique in what he is going through. The best we can do is to continually reinforce that in order to survive and have a decent life, one must conform to some extent.

I think my son is finally understanding that. Unfortunately, it took 2 years on the streets for him to get it. I pray that your son will get it a lot sooner than that.

Nellie