View Full Version : Contract to my son

07-28-2005, 11:03 AM
At thghtsreal's suggestion, I have created a contract in order for my son to return home and live home after he is released from rehab next week. I wanted to see what you all thought of it.

let me know if you thinks it's to much, not enough, or give me any suggestions on anything you think I might change. I don't want him to feel like he's coming home to boot camp and I do what him to look forward to coming home, but I want him to understand what we expect from him, without any questions.

Here is what I have come up with and I'm thinking of bringing it to him when I visit him on Saturday.

Contract for living at Home

1. Follow your program and go to meetings.

2. Allow us to drug test you in order to drive your car. Anything questionable, we will take your keys until you can prove you are clean.

3. Follow whatever is ordered by the courts.

4. You will abide by the rules of who we decide is, or is not, allowed in our house. No questions and no sneaking anyone in that we do not allow at anytime.

5. You will have an 11:00 curfew.

6. You must find a job, full time unless you are planning on going back to school.

7. You are responsible for taking care of your bedroom and your car. No more living like a slob :)

8. Remain Drug Free!

If at anytime you cannot follow these rules, most importantly number 8, or donít like living by them, you will need to immediatley find somewhere else to live. If you choose to leave home, or we are forced to have you leave, you will not take your car, unless it is registered and insured in your name at that time. If you relapse, you will be responsible for finding your own treatment program.

These rules are not unrealistic and will help us maintain a healthy, comfortable home that we can all live in without fear, as we all deserve.

I agree to live by these rules at all times in order to live at Home


07-28-2005, 12:04 PM
I have a couple suggestions - As a mom and as an addict that I think might help. Anytime I've seen family contract its presented in a way that all familiy members must follow. So instead of - 1. Follow your program and go to meetings. It would say 1. Our family agrees to follow the twelve step process and attend meetings as scheduled. This way you are commiting to going to ALANON and he is commiting to NA... It is still very firm and allows you to make decisions as you are wanting to but presents itself as "we are all in this together".

We addicts, as you know, don't like to be told what to do. Most of us care greatly for our family and want to heal that relationship. Presenting it that way encourges us to follow rules that we know are good for all involved. It is your home and you are in charge. Do as you see fit - just giving my 2 cents.

07-28-2005, 12:41 PM
I am a 29 yr old recovering addict that is almost 4 yrs clean now. I started messing with drugs a lot when i was 16, starting with pot, then acid, then cocain a few years later and by the age of 20 I had done heroin and had a habit on it. I went to countless rehabs and had a lot of family support. In my opinion too much family support which in the end made no difference in my case. The more support I had was the further I was able to continue my addiction in denial of just how bad it was, with out taking full responsibility for my actions, and every time I did relapse I knew I had somewhere to go. I don't really know where I am trying to go with this. But , I think the contract is a good idea. Don't leave any grey areas. It would almost be easier for you to just say no one in the house at any time unless you are there and it is someone you approve of. Don't hesitate to run to Walgreens and get a drug test if you have the slightest doubt. If you have that feeling you are probably right. And, those drug tests don't lie ,nor does cold medicine or diet pills or anything else make it test positive. Don't forget that your son got himself into this trouble with the drugs. I do not think you should go to meetings or take on any such obligation. If you go, go privately and for your own knowledge. But this addiction is your son's and you made a choice a long time ago to not take that route. Don't get me wrong, you need to somewhat be educated and know a little about what you are dealing with but that is his problem and you are doing a lot as it is. There is a whole world out there with drugs and alcohol in it and many people are not addicts and drink socially. It is everywhere and he is going have to accept that and live in the world we are in on it's terms, not his. Don't budge on your rules. Although not everyone goes to meetings. So if he decides to go that is great but if he decides to stop then just keep up the random, on the spot, drug tests! Do it often! God bless and good luck

07-29-2005, 05:36 AM
Hi Jessy,

My husband and I go to alanon because it helps us know how to deal with all of this without losing ourselves. It has actually been a huge relief for us to go and I don't know how I would handle all of this without it right now.

It is great to hear from someone on the other end of this saying that we as parents are making the right choices by being tough and that it worked. I have a feeling you will be hearing back from quite a few of us by the end of today, thanking you for sharing your experiences and your story. The fact that you have remained clean for 4 years will give many of us hope here.

Alanon and this board has taught me to be tough and I will stick to the rules we will set. My husband is stronger then I, so I have no doubt he will stick to them as well.


07-29-2005, 05:47 AM
Jesse28: Thank you for your excellent feedback from a former child addict who was able to turn it around. Magnificent!

KFld: I suggest you put some more detail to the "Get a job" part. Otherwise, he might be laying around the house saying, "I am TRYING to get a job, but there aren't any out there..blah blah blah". Give a date by which he needs to be employed, hours per day/week he needs to work, and what are the consequences if he does not fulfill this requirement exactly.

Also, I would use the car as a carrot, not as a threat. Don't give him the car right away. Let him work towards getting the car. For example, if he lives by the rules of the contract exactly AND he does not upset you in any way for (3 months?), then he can have use of the car.

07-29-2005, 11:59 AM
I'm going to refine the contract between today and tomorrow when I bring it to him.
The good thing is, he wants a job, because he loves money. He knows he has to have a job to pay his car loan and his insurance. That is one thing he has never given us a problem with. He got a job the day he turned 16 and worked for the same job for two years until he went into rehab. he also worked for his father for a little while, so he was actually working 2 jobs up until his father also had to hire somebody to take his place. That is the first thing on his list, is the job.

As far as the car, we will play that one by ear as far as when he gets a job. We will also drug test him in order for him to drive. I want to make sure I'm not putting him behind the wheel of a car high!!!

07-29-2005, 12:53 PM

As far as the car, we will play that one by ear as far as when he gets a job. We will also drug test him in order for him to drive. I want to make sure I'm not putting him behind the wheel of a car high!!!

It sounds like you have some important elements of your son getting back on the right track. Let us always remember that the allure of drugs will be forever calling him in a way that most of us will never understand.

As for the car, I told my son that he will not be driving my cars under my insurance ever again. I just don't want the liability. He already smashed up one of our cars when he was on Oxy. Nobody was hurt and that was just plain luck. If he maims or kills somebody with a car, we could be liable for way more than our insurance would cover. There is always a risk of that with any driver, but when you have a teen who has a history of drug use, the risk is multiplied so many more times that I just don't want the risk. I told him that when he is 18, has his own car and his own insurance, he can drive and accept 100% of the risk. I love him and this is not a punishment issue, it is just a way that I manage risk in order to afford a level of financial safety for my family.

Personally, I do not think that people with a recent history of alchoholism and drug addiction should operate motor vehicles until they have a long history of sobriety. Sure, there are many recovered addicts who are responsible, but there are far too many innocent people killed and maimed by drunk/high drivers. All things considered, I think that a teen with a recent addiction problem driving a 2,000 lb vehicle is very irresponsible and a danger to the rest of us on the road.

08-02-2005, 04:46 PM
I worry about this with my daughter who is the same age. I just can't kick a girl out -- there are so many bad things that can happen. How can they maintain a job if they can't get there without transporation and there is no one to take them? I did put the car in her name and get her own insurance, as a way to protect the family assets. I posted on another board but am looking for a rehab place where she can live for a long time and get herself straightened out--maybe a working farm or ranch where they learn skills or can go to college. Does any one know of such a place that is not too expensive as this will be self-pay by the parents. Thanks. Any input on how to handle this explosive situation is appreciated. I am sick to my stomach about this. How do other parents handle their daughters who are addicts?

08-02-2005, 05:08 PM
I would also strongly suggest more specific wording. For instance, instead of:
Follow your program and go to meetings (subject to much interpretation)

I would say:

You must attend at least two meeting a day while not working and one meeting a day while working. You must have a sponsor (by such and such a date).

Be more specific. Most of what I have read is very vague and an addict LOVES vague.