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babysteps
08-07-2005, 03:11 PM
My husband got out of 25 days of rehab for alcoholism on July 30, and fell off the wagon only 5 days later! I had gone out with some friends (and was drinking). He knew I would be drinking and had second thoughts about doing it, but he said that it didn't bother him as long as I didn't drink in front of him. Well, when I got home it was obvious that he had had more to drink than me. Then the next two days in a row he brought alcohol into the house as if he never went to rehab! He also didn't go to AA the days he was drinking. I told him on his third day of drinking that he had to get with the program and go back to AA the next day. Well he just left saying he is going to AA. I checked the schedule and it doesn't start for another hour! Either he got the time wrong or he is lying.

I don't really know if I am asking for advice or just looking for anyone who has been through this experience. I really love my husband and our daughter thinks the world of him, but he has barely worked this past year and I can't depend on him. I am worried sick about decisions that seem to be facing me.

Constant
08-07-2005, 03:16 PM
There is nothing you can do or say to get him or keep him sober. He has got to want it.

Did he ask to go to rehab or did he get bullied into going?

babysteps
08-07-2005, 03:18 PM
He was not bullied into it. I made all the arrangements, then told him I thought it was time he got help, and he agreed. He was a leader the whole time he was there and everything seemed so optimistic. I am emotionally crushed. The last thing I want is a divorce, but we can't go backwards.

Constant
08-07-2005, 03:25 PM
He was not bullied into it. I made all the arrangements, then told him I thought it was time he got help, and he agreed. He was a leader the whole time he was there and everything seemed so optimistic. I am emotionally crushed. The last thing I want is a divorce, but we can't go backwards.

YOU made the arrangements and then YOU told HIM it was time to get help?

He didn't go get help. You went and got help and he agreed to go to get you off his back, in my opinion.

This is his deal babysteps. I know, I am a recovering alcoholic/addict and I know exactly how the mind of an alcoholic/addict thinks.

You need to do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your child.

totallylost
08-07-2005, 03:32 PM
I have been facing my husband's addiction as well. He told me twice he would quit, then I caught him again. This last time I kicked him out of the house. It was a real wake up call for him, he never thought I would follow through with that.

That is the most important lesson of all times, we can not control someone elses addiction, we can not cure it. We can only support a person willing to help themselves.

Addiction isn't about how much or little someone loves you. I've heard so many people say if he loved me he would stop.

My husband starts treatment tomorrow and has been clean for 7 full days now. Drug testing is done weekly and if he fails he has to move out. I can't live with an addict any longer.

As much as my children love their father I have to think about being happy and living life to make me happy.

babysteps
08-07-2005, 03:52 PM
I know I can't fix him, Lord knows I have tried. I think I am just not yet ready to give up on my marriage. I do know that this is his last chance. I find it a frightening reality that I lay awake at night coming up with disaster contingency plans regarding the possible consequences of his drinking (he tends to drink and drive alot). Even though I have been dealing with this for a long time, I can't believe my life is ending up this way!

Constant
08-07-2005, 04:40 PM
I know I can't fix him, Lord knows I have tried. I think I am just not yet ready to give up on my marriage. I do know that this is his last chance. I find it a frightening reality that I lay awake at night coming up with disaster contingency plans regarding the possible consequences of his drinking (he tends to drink and drive alot). Even though I have been dealing with this for a long time, I can't believe my life is ending up this way!

Everytime you rescue him, try and fix him, put up with his drinking you are participating in the destruction of your marriage.

Everytime you see him get behind the wheel of a car drunk and do nothing about it you are an accessory to his drinking and driving.

This is called enabling.

KFld
08-07-2005, 06:10 PM
My heart goes out to you as I deal with an 18 year old drug addict son. Stand your ground and give him an ultimatum. It's you and your daughter or his drinking. My sister inlaw gave that choice to my brother 15 years ago and he chose her and the kids, fortunatley, but I know that doesn't always happen.

Good luck and I hope he makes the right decision. As hard as it is, make sure you make the right choices for you and your daugher.

deni
08-07-2005, 07:13 PM
I am going through the same thing even though my husband is an addict its my addiction that seems to cause all the problems.I was clean three weeks, came home and everything was going along pretty smoothly. Then a whole bunch fo stuff happened,giving me my excuse to use.After 23 years of marriage we will be divorcing.Divorcing because of our addictions mine are coke and pills his drinking,coke and pills.
Do you have any addictions? cause 2 addicts married especily if you not get and stay clean together.
I wish you both good luck

wannahelp
08-08-2005, 07:14 AM
I agree with Constant. You are just as responsible as he especially when you know he is driving and drinking. Where I live, if you are a passenger with him drinking/driving, you would be arrested along with him. Call the cops when he's driving. I also read that you mentioned you were drinking. Why should he quit if you're going to continue doing so? How can you support him being sober if you continue to drink? Even if it isn't a problem for you, you still need to walk the walk. I know what alcohol does to families, I hate it, I have no use for it, and I support no companies that make it. Iwish you luck, and I hope things work out for you.

totallylost
08-08-2005, 02:29 PM
That is good advice wannahelp. Once I found out my of my husbands addiction my house became a sober house. No one is allowed to drink in our house. I don't even have a social drink any longer to support him.

Kfld how is your son doing?

babysteps
08-09-2005, 03:17 PM
Just to clarify, I am never with him when he drinks and drives. He drinks on his way home from work or "runs an errand" and comes home having been drinking.

babysteps
08-09-2005, 03:22 PM
Also, I have quite drinking. He told me he didn't mind if I drank now and then as long as it wasn't in the house or when he was around. Obviously that wasn't the case. I just got home a couple of minutes ago and it's obvious he drank today. He has now been drinking 5 of the 10 days he has been home (I only drank the night I was at my friends house last Thursday). An ultimatum is probably my only choice. We have talked about this until we are blue in the face and he doesn't seem willing to follow through with what he claims he wants out of life.

Constant
08-09-2005, 03:42 PM
He is following exactly what he wants most of all out of life...drinking, and he sounds very successful at it.

On the other hand, are you following through on what you want out of life?

TeTr01
08-09-2005, 03:46 PM
That's a tough situation, I am sorry you are in it. The best thing you can do is be there for your husband & support him. He won't get help & stay clean till HE makes the choice to do so, you can't make that choice for him. If you are just constantly getting empty promises that he's going to stop doing this to you, but doesn't - then you have to make the choice if it's worth it or not to keep going through all that.

Good luck. Best to both of you!

.

Zanie
08-09-2005, 09:07 PM
I totally agree with what some are saying here, you can not tell him to stop HE has to be the one to make that decision you can only place your concerns. Do not be a enabler and/or codependant. I know it is easier said then done when it comes to someone you love. I have been dealing with this myself of a relaspsing Husband and it is very hard. Just keep your daugher and yourself safe!

bent_halo
08-09-2005, 09:28 PM
My EX Husband, quit drinking, to do Meth, he quit meth to do pills....

I left 5 years ago, when in withdrawls for the hundreth time, he chased my son out the door, with a knife, for turning off the TV....Last I heard, we are still in hideing from him, by the way, he is STILL on the pills, enough to kill 3 grown men, and when he runs out early, not ONE, not TWO, but THREE weeks early, as he does every month, his mental health worker has decided he qualifies for a methadone program for those three weeks.

He called a family memeber last year, to get word to me, that even in a city where his entire family lives, he was in a coma for 10 days, needing a pace maker and no one would come to the hospital to sign for it...apparently even 5 years later this was STILL my fault, because had his kids been there, they could have signed...even though all 4 kids are still under 18 yr's old.....

There are some out there, who for their own personal reasons, do not want help, I spent 13 years getting the crap beat out of me, begging this man to get help, let ME help him, let ME find someone to help him, let ME make it all better....

Bottom line, it will never be YOU, if he wants help, he will hit rock bottom, dig a hole go even further down, suck scum off the bottom of the pond and then maybe, glance up, see the light and reach for it...but no matter how many ropes you throw him, if he never looks up, how can he even see them?

Angel :angel:

babysteps
08-10-2005, 06:48 AM
I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last night and I feel certain I have found a place to work on my own mental health rather than my husband's. One thing that confuses me though, the literature says not to worry when he slips, but also to let him face his own consequences. He does not want me to tell anyone that he has slipped, but I don't want to lie if our friends and family ask me if he has. In my opinion, that is what is called "facing the consequences." Does anyone have an opinion?

Constant
08-10-2005, 11:08 AM
You are right. It is part of the consequences.

You don't have to go out of your way to tell others just to tell them, however you certainly don't owe your husband anything regarding his relapses amd whatever you do, don't LIE for him.

You have not only the right but the responsilibity to tell those that may come into contact with his using, may be in immiment danger as a result of it (ie driving), may be able to support you through this.

He feeds his addiction, you feed your wellbeing.

wannahelp
08-11-2005, 03:43 AM
Bent Halo, I went through a similar situation with my ex husband. Abusive/Alcoholic.
I too was the same as you. Let ME, Let ME,.....blah, blah, blah. Thought I could "fix" everything, thought love was a cure all. I lied for him, made excuses for him, rescued him, made a good home for him, and worked my a** off for him. At least he had an excuse for beating the crap out of me. WHAT was MY excuse for letting him? Because I loved him, felt sorry for him, because I didn't want my son to not have a father??? COME ON WOMEN!! You become the most pathetic creatures on earth. It's a hard sobering truth. OK, you now may say, "well MY husband doesn't abuse me". He doesn't have to lay a hand on you for it to be called abuse. Abuse comes in many forms. What can an addict/alcoholic contribute to his/her family? Not a darn thing, but lots of turmoil. You have to leave, if for nothing else, do it for your children. You owe them that. If your spouse really loves you and wants to change, they will do it. But let them do it alone. Tell them that if and when they are sober, and have been in some extensive therapy for at least a year, then you'll talk. Time will only tell. I left with nothing but my son, and the clothes on our backs. We made it. Its been 19yrs. Now, when I look back, I wonder who that person was. She doesn't exist anymore. And by the way, my ex is still an alcoholic and hasn't worked in years. Go figure!
Get a life people, if you don't take care of yourself, no one else will. Life is all about choices. Stop making excuses, and start living. (the same applies to you husbands w/addict wives)

babysteps
08-12-2005, 12:30 PM
Well, it's Friday. My husband came home last night while I was on the phone with my brother and overheard me telling him that my husband had been drinking for the past 8 days. He was infuriated that I was answering honestly. Then, my husband's parent's called this morning. Apparently my brother told my father, who called my husband's father. My husband is barely speaking to me. He is completly unwilling at this point to take responsibility for what is happening. I told him that I could no longer lie to protect his from the consequences of his own actions. He said I don't have to volunteer information either. I said that I can't handle this situation alone and I need support. Blah Blah Blah. The bottom line is that he was unwilling to accept that he would not be in this situation if he had followed the AA program. He is the one who has been drinking for 8 of the 13 days he has been home from rehab. He is the one who went to rehab to begin with! I never in my wildest dreams thought his return would be this difficult. Did I do the right thing by not covering up for him when asked how he was doing?

worried_mommy
08-12-2005, 12:36 PM
I think you did the right thing. I swore to myself 2 days ago that I will NEVER lie for my DH again. I will not hide the fact that he's drinking from other people for him, and I will not hide the fact that I won't lie for him. I told him this, and he said I never lie for him anyway...right. He's not talking to me atm. Oh well, at least he's not drinking.

Be strong babysteps, I know where you're at.

Zanie
08-12-2005, 12:46 PM
You did the right thing babysteps, I wish my hubby would stop talking to me for awhile, all he does is drink more and then starts to get frustrated at me and my kids in which that leds into verbal fighting. I told my husband about what he does this morning when he was sober and all he said back was "well no ones listens in this house." however babysteps, you did good showing you are no longer hiding his drinking problem.

Constant
08-12-2005, 01:02 PM
You absolutely did the right thing.

You owe no apologies nor explanations.

It is called taking control of YOUR life back and letting go of control of his.

As a recovering addict, I will tell you this. There was nothing, absolutely NOTHING as painfully confronting to me as someone sharing my sorry truth.

Oh trust me when I tell you, I was livid when my "secrets" were revealed. HOW DARE YOU and blah blah blah, but the truth is I knew, I KNEW, it was the beginning of the end for me. My gig was up.

I realized I no longer possessed the power I once had over everyone.

To make matters worse (well better but worse at the time) was no one was willing to console me for all the "horrible things that made me drink" :rolleyes: . The compassion they used to show to me (I was sooooooo good at getting that compassion) was no longer spent on me but on supporting each other.

All of a sudden I was being held completely accountable not only for my actions but for the reactions of others. Yep, that enabling family did a 180 degree turn and I was in deep doo doo.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, the stories I could tell....

GOOD FOR YOU!

babysteps
08-12-2005, 01:07 PM
Thank you all!! I feel so much better. He just stopped in and still wasn't very talkative, but didn't look hateful either. It will be a hard adjustment not having an enabler, protector as a wife, but that is his problem, not mine!

Constant
08-12-2005, 01:13 PM
Thank you all!! I feel so much better. He just stopped in and still wasn't very talkative, but didn't look hateful either. It will be a hard adjustment not having an enabler, protector as a wife, but that is his problem, not mine!

You've changed the rules. You've choosen honesty, integrity and self preservation.

I have no doubt he is scared to death.

He may even try and use that fear on you, start becoming all teary, or try and bully you.

It's all tactics of the alcoholic/addict trying to gain control over the only thing they've ever had control over, their enabling family and friends.

wannahelp
08-13-2005, 08:12 AM
Hey Babysteps, I'm so proud of you. Your eyes are beginning to open. Constant is right about him using his fear on you. I told you about my ex in my previous post. I'll add to that and tell you a little of how he reacted when I left: He begged, he cried, and promised me the world. One day he came to my parents house while i was there, and he literally fell down in the middle of the floor (in front of my whole family) crying like a baby, saying he couldn't live without me, he'd kill himself if i didn't come back, ect... It ripped my heart out to see him like this, but i'd been through this so many times before, and i simply walked away. I felt guilty, i was emotionally damaged, and i went through severe depression. He on the other hand, had a girlfriend within 30 days of my leaving. Although he had a girlfriend, he still continued to bother me. His next emotion to come was anger. He threatened me, followed me, harrassed me. Oh the stories I could tell! Your situation may not, and I hope not, be as serious as mine, but the point I'm trying to make is that all alcoholics tend to have the same behavior patterns. They know all the right buttons to push, they are the greatest manipulators in the world, self-centered, self-righteous, and will stop at nothing to get what they want. I learned this the hard way. I also have a brother who is an alcoholic/addict. Even if they quit, they still suffer with some of the same behavior problems. It's called being a "dry alcoholic". They have lots of work to do. It's so hard for me to even talk about my past relationship with my ex-husband. It's like pulling the scab off a wound for me. I have so many scars on my heart. It's taken me a long time to heal, but there are some scars that i'll carry with me for the rest of my life. My only hope is that by sharing my story I can make a difference for someone elses life. For years I hated him and blamed him for my miserable life, my hurt, my pain, my depression. But one day I realized that I was just like him in making excuses for MY problems. I AM THE ONLY ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CHOICES. I ALLOWED him to steal my joy in life. I too had no one else to blame but myself. I've forgiven him, and I continue to pray for him. God loves him just like he loves me. I finally set myself free. You see, there is so much more to it than just simply leaving a bad situation. Get therapy, and seek out a co-dependent group. There's more work to be done. I pray for and love each and every one of you here. I hope these raw emotions I'm feeling this morning have helped or encouraged at least one person.

***Constant, I think I love you most. Believe it or not, but I'm speechless. Your brutal honesty, inspiration.............Well what I can say????? You're powerful!

Constant
08-13-2005, 09:29 AM
all alcoholics tend to have the same behavior patterns. They know all the right buttons to push, they are the greatest manipulators in the world, self-centered, self-righteous, and will stop at nothing to get what they want.

A truer statement has not been made.

I'd like to add that alcoholics and victims of alcohlics tend to have the very dangerous belief that they, or their addicted family member, are unique. THEIR addiction or the addiction of their spouse, child, friend, has a unique set of circumstances that sets them apart from the "regular alcoholic/addict".

This is referred to as terminal uniqueness and it is extremely dangerous to the alcoholic/addict. Interestingly enough, the biggest offenders of this thinking are NOT the alcoholic/addict themselves, but the family members who have suffered through years of he!! at the hands of the alcoholic/addict. It is enabling at its worse and a tragic reality is it sends a very dangerous message to the addict/alcoholic..."I am unique, therefore I deserve...".

I am the alcohlic/addict and I assure you I am NOT unique.

babysteps
08-25-2005, 06:46 PM
Just to give an update...he was home from rehab for 20 days, 15 of which he was drinking heavily. I came home at 2:30 in the afternoon on the 20th, he should have been at work, but he was drunk and accusing me of sabotaging him. I took our daughter and left. We have been separated for a week. He is staying with his sister, seeing a therapist, taking Zoloft and Antibuse. I hope he gets his ****** together. Is there any chance or am I wasting my time?

Michael S.
08-25-2005, 07:50 PM
Dust off his copy of the Big Book and read the chapter (the family afterwards) also the chapter to wives might help. When the comes you will know he has drink his last drop. My last drop was May 2nd 1988. Need more help leave me a thread anytime

Felicia65
08-25-2005, 08:16 PM
babysteps, I have read the post, and You are doing the right thing by leaving, You need this time, You need peace in your life, Time has a way of telling us everything we need to know, it has only been a week, And I know your home and life has been up rooted and everything feels diffirent almost like you don't know where you belong. You will get your life back to gather. Give it time . He will not change over night so think long and hard about what you won't. Felicia

wannahelp
08-26-2005, 02:50 AM
I agree with Felicia. You really do need to take this time for yourself and your daughter. You have to be strong for her, and it sounds like you're carrying a heavy burden on your shoulders. You have to take care of yourself. All you can do for him is give him your prayers. You deserve much better. Take care babysteps.

KFld
08-26-2005, 05:43 AM
Please read my posts titled, I had to throw him out. It's about my 18 year old son. Think of your children and how much more difficult it would be if you were facing asking one of them to leave your home. It's the most difficult thing I have ever and I'm sure will ever have to face in my life, but I had to do it FOR HIM!!!!!!
Do this for yourself and for your husband as well. Allowing him to continue to do what he is doing is not helping you. In the end, I know in my heart what I have just done, will help my son more then anything I have tried over the past months, and believe me, I've tried it all!!

lostnewwife
08-26-2005, 07:27 AM
babysteps,
I certainly know how you feel; my husband is addicted to cocaine (feel free to read my thread). I ask myself the same questions you ask yourself and there is only one answer...he will get sober when HE wants to. It sounds so simple and trivial, but it's the hardest truth you and your husband will ever face.
NOTHING you do will make him decide to sober up, nothing you say will encourage him, you DO NOT have control of this situation. I think you should focus on the things you CAN control, YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER. I know you feel guilty, I know you want to help, I know you want to support him and help him recover, but none of this matters unless HE wants to sober up. Some people on these boards may encourage you to leave, to wash your hands of him and move on...but only you will know when you are ready to make that hard decision. So, when you ask "am I wasting my time, is there any hope?"...unfortunately, no one here can answer that for you. This MAY be a waste of time - he may continue drinking. There MAY be a better scenario and he'll realize how much he is going to lose and hit rock bottom before it's too late. However, time will be your only answer. All you can do from this point on is look out for yourself, protect your daughter and demand that he remain sober. Hopefully you're finding it easier with him at his sisters, instead of being home, abusing you emotionally or physically. This was a great move on your part.
You need to listen to your inner voice and trust your gut instincts. Either he will hit rock bottom and sober up, or you will pass the point of no return and leave him forever. That's the funny thing about loving an addict; it's a race to see who hits rock bottom first.
I hope, for your sake and your daughters, that he has hit the bottom before you and that your marriage will survive this nightmare. Continue to be strong and demand nothing but sobriety from him at all times.
Oh, and regarding you telling your family and friends the truth about him and when he falls off the wagon...GOOD FOR YOU...tell who ever you want. When he is ready to face his addiction honestly and for the right reasons, he will want people to know, too - that's a good indication for you for the future. When he begins to be open AND honest, he's on the right path. But until then, feel free to talk about this with whomever you chose.
Keep us posted.