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lostnewwife
08-13-2005, 12:00 PM
I have been married for only fifteen months and recently discovered my husband is addicted to cocaine.
When we first met, eight years ago, he told me that he does it occasionally and used to have a "problem". I told him that I am strongly opposed to the drug and if he wanted to pursue a relationship with me, he had to comit to NEVER using the drug again. He agreed and it was not an issue. Over the course of the eight years, I found that he did coke at least once a year at some special occasion, where it was impossible to refuse. Everytime I found out about a time he'd used, it was NEVER from him. I hated being lied to and I hated that he was always so weak to the drug. But, I forgave him, every time, because once a year wasn't the worst that could happen.
Well, we got married last Spring and it's been one hell of a first year. He started working at a new job right before the wedding and immediately bonded with the guys in his crew (he is a carpenter). We started to socialize with his work friends and their wives on a regular basis. Nothing seemed uneasy to me until this past April. His paycheques were significantly decreasing and he was working more often...then he missed a mortgage payment. The last thing I thought was cocaine, I had no idea what it could have been, but never once did cocaine cross my mind. Until my dad passed by and discovered a rolled up $5 with cocaine reminents still inside...sitting by the toilet in the guest bathroom. I approached my husband when he got home from work that day and discovered a baggie of coke in his pocket! I kicked him out immediately.
Two weeks later, he admitted to using once in a while with the guys at work, but that it wasn't a "problem" and the missing money was because he was loaning it to his coke friends to support their addictions. I immediately called one of the friends wife, I wanted her to know what my husband was accusing him of and to get an honest answer. That was a huge mistake, the wife didn't believe me, the husband denied everything and my husband said that it was all true. Knowing there was little I could do at that point, I decided to support him and we went to marriage counselling. He professed on and on that coke wasn't a problem, he was only using socially and that the marriage wouldn't survive if I didn't believe him. So I did.
But no matter what I wanted to believe, the signs and symptoms were obvious. He'd blow his nose ALL NIGHT LONG, he'd barely eat dinner, he'd stay up late when he'd normally be sleeping by 9:00pm, he was irriatble and energetic and extremely aggressive during sex. I promised the marriage psychologist that I would respect his privacy and stop searching his belongings to find evidence, but I couldn't help it. One day I was making the bed and a baggie of coke fell from between the mattresses. This started a seaching frenze, I checked every single inch of our home for more evidence. I found baggies of cocaine hidden every where, the bathrooms, jacket pockets, behind picture frames, under the couch, EVERYWHERE. When he got home from work (this is now two months later), I confronted him again and he FINALLY ADMITTED HIS PROBLEM. He's been heavily addicted now since February and spends at least $100 on it, DAILY.
I love him, I will support him, I will stand by his side through this until the end, but that is so much easier said than done. He is eighteen days sober today and I want to strangle him. My patience is worn out, I am so hurt and bitter now that I am the last person he should be exposed to while trying to recover. I try my best to support him and bite my tongue, but when do I get support? His recovery is ALL ABOUT HIM, that my suffering has become insignificant. Now I've lost my husband, he's not here for me at all. It's all about him. We are in financial crisis because of him. We are on the brink of divorce, I am terrified and I can't show it to him, because he's trying to recover. I am running out of patience and support and I've started biting back...telling him what I really think of him and his choices. I know I'm not supposed to take this personal, that the drug has taken over and this isn't my husband speaking...BUT IT IS. Unfortunately, I AM in reality and this is it...I am angry, I am fed up. I JUST got married and this is what I'm left with. I am not a wife, I am his therapist, his sounding board, his rock, his pillar, his friend, his cook, his maid, his sex partner...and I have nothing. He is not a husband, he is not a support, he is not reliable or trustworthy and he speaks horribly now because he is jonesing for cocaine. I can't take it anymore. Should I just throw in the towel and let him go? Will he ever recover or will I be back here in years from now facing the same scenario? I love him, but I can't handle any more of this either. Please help.

Nancy005
08-13-2005, 04:11 PM
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. If you read my thread you will learn about my situation also. Drugs that I suspected broke up a 5 year relationship. I believe my ex has such a bad addiction he can't afford to live anywhere but a hotel. I know what your going through. I kept taking my ex back all the time and finally I got pregnant and figured if I wanted a good life I would have to leave him behind. It would be different if he had admitted his problem and gotten help but obviously he doesn't want it!

lostnewwife
08-13-2005, 09:41 PM
Thank you, Nancy005. I read your thread and appreciate your perspective. My husband has decided to move out for the next two weeks and seek professional help, or support groups at the very least. He fully admits to his addiction, his deceit, his destruction and wants to return to the man I married. I think the more space he gives me (while he is so miserable and suffering withdrawls and cravings), the better it will be for both of us. Right now I am not supportive and vice versa. I hope he continues to stay off and seek help, but most importantly, that he is no longer living here, continuing to make my life hell. For six months he has destroyed everything we've built, and as a result of his destructive behaviour and choices, I am completely spent. I have nothing to give him, and right now he needs support more than ever, I simply don't have the strength. I read on another thread that a woman referred to her son's addiction as a full-time job and it is, and then some. I don't mean to be selfish, but at this point, I have no other choice. I have neglected myself and focused solely on him this entire time, and now I think he needs to recover from his addiction and I need to recover from the pain and devastation. Am I wrong? Should I let him stay here? Am I expected to tolerate his behaviour during his recovery? I feel guilty, but I know this is what is best for me.

thghtsreal
08-13-2005, 10:33 PM
Lostnewwife: Yours is a sad story, but you are not alone. Nearly everybody who has an addict in their life feels the same way as you. You have been lied to so many times and there has been so much havoc in your life. You did nothing to deserve this pain.

Lost, there is nothing NOTHING as selfish, self-centered, self-serving, or manipulative as an addict.

There is also NOTHING you can do to change him or to get him clean. What we call being supportive usually fuels the addiction and prolongs recovery.

You are correct that you need some support. A good start would be to find a local Alanon group. This is a group for family and friends of alcoholics and drug addicts. It is hugely helpful for most people who attend. There is no fee and everybody is welcome. Usually they pass the hat to pay for coffee (throw in a buck or two if you have it). Almost every community has meetings. Check your phone book or do an internet search for locations.

You are lucky he moved out. It saves you the trouble of kicking him out or you moving out yourself. Don't be surprised to find out that he moved out so that he could go back to drugs.

Spend an evening or so reading the posts on this website from people in the same situation as you. You will find that you have plenty of company. You might think that somebody has re-written your post or lived your life already. Follow the whole thread and you may find some of the answers you are looking for as well.

Good luck.

smc612
08-14-2005, 05:07 AM
listen to this stupidity!!!! i was married to an alcoholic for 22 years. divorced and married a cocaine addict. had no idea he used the stuff because i never did any drugs and didn't know what to look for. big difference in the 2. the alcoholic was very obvious the cocaine addict wasn't. it took me a year of marriage for the light bulb to light up. i knew there was a problem but didn't know what. i should have suspected because i had the feeling. you all know the feeling. somethings wrong and you lie to yourself so you don't have to face it. he stopped years ago and now is abusing vicodin. same old story, no difference. mood changes, mean and denies having a problem. right now we are in a bad financial situation that should change within a month or two. i ahve to make a decision. go on my own again or know that his problem is his and not make any plans around him. sort of go about my own business, take advantage of his financial help but make a life for myself. am not sure yet how this will end.

goddessgrl65
08-14-2005, 05:24 AM
Im sorry to hear of your situation..its tough..but i thought it may be helpful to look at this thru the eyes of an addict..
i must say..that first-this is an addiction and recovery board-so many people here have abused/used drugs..there are also-those who come here for support for recovery-having used drugs-gone thru the process of getting off-them..and need support.
And like yourself-folks who need support becaused their loved ones are addicted..and need support to help coping..
I am not abusing drugs-now..i am on a med that relieves w/d..and have been in treatment for a few years-therapy/meds..outpatient grps..etc.
ive been clean from my d.o.c. for 2 yrs.
I wanted to tell you this is NOT a moral issue..this is not a personal vendetta..toward you-your husband has addiction issues-that need to be worked out w/ the help of therapy..or perhaps AA/NA support grps..where he can get to the bottom of why he uses..
Hes an adult-and knows the differance..but thats not going to stop the "monster" from rearing its ugly head..this doesn't just "go away"..i believe in professional help-addictionologists..therapists..
It can take a long time-working out these issues-but its very hard to do it on your own..nearly impossible.
Cocaine is one of those drugs-that for years-were considered pretty harmless-almost likened to marijuana-party drug..in the 80s-seemed as though it was everywhere..
Now-we know better-extremely addictive-and now cheaper than ever.
Your husband has to want to quit-for himself-for health/family/finances..his world..
You will need support too-to deal w/ his emotional state..etc..
If you have insurance-there are # on the back of the card-for mental health/substance abuse..call-make an appt..for YOU..
And he needs to do this for himself as well...
When your addicted-you do become extremely selfish-your world becomes so small-its all about getting/using drugs..not much room for anything else.
The fact is-that cocaine has serious effects on the brain-causing extreme behavior-and chemical changes that may be permanent..
You can tell an addict-clean up or your out..but that doesn't stop the craving/and abuse..
And tolerance to the drug-means he needs more to get the same effect-so the 100.00 dollar a day..habit(approx-2 grams) which is ALOT.can increase.
There are options for treatment-can he get time off?
Insurance???
Rehab/out-patient services-groups..etc.
Please let me know how i can help..
ggrl :angel:

smc612
08-14-2005, 05:48 AM
thanks so much!! and good luck on your recovery. i don't look down my nose at my husband or anyone else. i have never met an addict that wanted to be one or who wasn't one of the kindest people. i know my husband needs help i just wish he knew it.will i leave him? i doubt it because i do love him very much. i just get so frustrated sometimes that i don't know what to do and at the same time knowing i can't do anything. just need to detach myself from it and believe.

lostnewwife
08-14-2005, 08:48 AM
thank you so much; angel54, goddessgrl65 and thghtsreal. This website is so helpful because it offers support in so many ways. What I am finding most useful is the insight into an addict's mind; I am learning so much and it is helping me support my husband. Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate your support and concern more than words can express.
My biggest fear is that my husband will use while he is living at his parents. They are clueless about his addiction and the symptoms of him using, so he can get away with it there much easier than he can with me...but that is a risk I am willing to take right now. I purchased drug tests online that I can use when he returns home, to ensure he didn't fall off the wagon...I know I can't trust him, so this is comforting in a weird way.
Right now my husband cannot go into a full-day rehab program because we can't afford him to be off work for 28 days. Since this habit is SO EXPENSIVE, he's wipped out every cent in our accounts. I believe that rehab is the only solution that can help right now, but unfortunately, something we cannot afford. I will wait until he comes back home in two weeks and hopefully in September, he can get the fulltime help he so desperately needs. I do believe that he is nineteen days sober; his appetite is back, he sleeps again and he is no longer blowing his nose...I just hope this keeps up AND NEVER RETURNS. The fact that he quit his job and is no longer exposed to the people who encouraged him to start using again is a blessing. I called his boss and told him that everyone was abusing drugs and the whole team was fired. It was hard for me to rat out my husband, but I did it with the best intentions. I am glad it's helped in his recovery.
What worries me now is the physical signs of w/d are significantly less obvious and I wonder why. So, if anyone can provide insight regarding the w/d signs and how to tell if he still, in fact, is 19 days sober, it would be greatly appreciated. I have never used cocaine, I know very little about this drug other than what I've researched online and read on these message boards.
Again, thank you to everyone for your feedback and support, I no longer feel so alone and helpless.

Nancy005
08-14-2005, 12:01 PM
I feel like I understand that a addict doesn't wanna hurt people intentionally and is stuck in a world of using and abusing. Should someone stay if that person won't even admit their problem? Or doesn't even think they have a problem? I hate to say this but I doubt my ex will ever get off the drugs. Everywhere he goes and lives is full of drugs. My ex told me that he used to do cocaine but didn't do it anymore. I'm not so sure about that anymore. I have wanted to help him for so long but he doesn't wanna help himself so I can't help him. I am only 18 years old and have lived a life with stress and anxiety. I couldn't take the stress anymore. We have a child that will be born in march but that doesn't change him or fade him the least. That's why I had to get away from him and stop talking to him. I want the best for my child and I know that he won't be able to give us a home because of his using. He can't even afford to take care of himself. My ex has no support system. His dad was never there for him and his mom and family just don't care. I just feel like passing him off on some other chick, I know that sounds wrong but i'm so hurt by all the lies and i'm not so sure I can forgive him. I have forgave him time after time and I asked him to get help and he will not. He has no insurance, no car anymore, all because I know hes using. I have accused him of using and all he does is call me a ***** and hang up on me. He will not listen to what i have to say. I have brought this boy food the day after he got paid and didn't have any money. I want to have a life, I want to be happy and I know I will never be with him. Hes not a young boy either, hes 26 years old. He just won't grow up for this baby, its like he doesn't care. So why should I?

Sorry to jack your thread!!!! I know you asked if you thought it was wrong and selfish to leave your husband? I don't think it is, I think if you have taken all you can take you should just get on with your life, if he doesn't wanna get help.

smc612
08-14-2005, 12:07 PM
at some point that is exactly what you have to do. i did it once with my first husband the alcoholic. it's not being mean and it doesn't mean you don't care about them it's just gooing on and living your life in the best way you can. no one can live their life around an addict. they are too unpredictable and you either feel bad and want to help and can't or are so angry all the time that you can't function on a daily basis. at least that is what it is like for me. anger and sadness, loneliness. no way to live.

Nancy005
08-14-2005, 01:59 PM
That's exactly how I feel, I am so angry and have been for a long time. I'm so angry because he has basically abandoned me financially through this pregnancy. I have no money for clothes and other things. I live with my parents which don't have a lot of money to help me out they do what they can. I'm in my last year of highschool, last year was supposed to be my last but I had to do another year. I have no job right now because I'm in the process for trying to SSI for my mental illness. He has chosen his drug friends over me and this baby I just don't understand this!

lizard50
08-14-2005, 05:35 PM
You can do nothing to save him, you must save yourself. Go to alanon,NOW.there are some where all they do is *****, you want to find one where they use the 12 steps and get into the solution. If you do talk to him again tell him that he needs to get into treatment for at least 30 days and then he needs to go to n.a. meetings all the time. If he is not willing to do this cut your loses and move on.lizard50

smc612
08-15-2005, 03:48 AM
nancy i totally agree with lizard. things don't always work out as we intend or want. you sound like you are young. learn now how to take of yourself and as lizard says cut your loses. if you have no money which i understand(been there) go to your local library and take out every book you can find on addictions and co-dependency. read,read,read until you get some understanding that it has nothing to do with you or your baby or love for that matter. it is a horrible disease that has no bounderies. lizard is also right about meetings. some are good and some are not. find one that fits with you. there is no easy answer but you have to start somewhere to make yourself more comfortable and not worried and angry all the time. best of luck.

Nancy005
08-15-2005, 04:27 AM
Thanks both for replies, I'm 18 years old so yea i'm young! Too young to deal with crap like this lol! I have been reading a lot about addictions and I am having some understanding about it. I already knew what it could cause though. My uncle is addicted to crack, and I see him looking like he is going to die everytime I see him. He lies, steals, he has bad health problems now also. He goes to the hospital in an ambulance once a week, sometimes just to get meds to sell. Tough road, hes never really had the help he needs. My family sent him to a rehab center a couple months ago but he signed hisself out within a week. I just think i'm too young to have to deal with this guys problems. I'm now gonna have another human being to look after.

smc612
08-15-2005, 04:39 AM
when i left my first husband after being married 22 years, 3 children and dating 4 years before the marriage i remember sitting in MY apartment the first night alone and thinking how peaceful it was. knowing i did it for myself and my daughters meant the world to me. i have never looked back with regret. stuck it out so long because i loved him and had hope. we have been divorced for 15 years and he is still the same. i cannot imagine living another 15 years with the same situation. i thank God i got out when i did.

lostnewwife
08-16-2005, 09:20 AM
Thanks for all the insight, here's an update...
My husband went to his first NA meeting last night. He found it very helpful and came to see me immediately afterwards. At first, he was nervous and extremely uncomfortable, but he was quickly approached by a member and began to relax and open up. He was told to write a journal about his experiences, and to record the times he wants cocaine most. Even though he only went to one meeting, the rewards were quickly obvious. When he came home, he was very open with me, too. He wanted to talk about his addiction, how he was feeling, and to thank me for all my support. He was giving me examples of times he lied and situations he regretted, which was bitter sweet. A part of me was so relieved that he was FINALLY being honest and open, but at the same time, it brought back all the pain and reminded me of all the deceit I've endured. Nonetheless, I am so happy he is seeking help and support from someone other than me.
If anyone has any advice on how or what I should do from here on in, it would be greatly appreciated. I want to encourage this path of healing and accountability and in no way enable him to return to his drug use.
Thanks again to everyone's insight, advice and support, this board is heaven sent.

smc612
08-16-2005, 09:35 AM
God bless you both. it is bittersweet to here the truths but at least it is truth now and not constant lies. i would go with the flow from here on in. support him in his recovery and do your best not to return to old patterns as he has to do also. prayers are with you both

Scared Wife
08-17-2005, 07:14 PM
Dear Lost New Wife, I understand completely what you are going through right now. I, too, was a newlywed bride who suddenly found myself supporting the household - completely bewildered as to where my husband's income was going. He was a self-employed contractor with 2-3 employees. I was always given an excuse, "I had to pay workers' comp insurance..." or "I had to pay the accountant" (who I'd never met)...Yet I never saw a physical bill or summary of any sort on paper. It was always what HE said. Suddenly I was asked to leave...I later learned of my husband's problem with his prescription oxycontin - and only because a friend of his called me to express total disbelief that he'd go to visit his parents in FL and leave me here alone AND to inform me of my husband's secret drug abuse. He is now living in a hotel with an unemployed buddy and, of course, his precious little dog. He makes $20/hour and complains that 'nobody can possibly live on that'. His paychecks average $800+/week. That's a pretty good indication that he is still doing something - and it can't be bill paying since he recently learned the only way he could be approved to rent a lot in a trailer park was if his father was named as guarantor. Even more surprising is that he used my cell number on the application. Why? Because his was shut off for being past due for 2 months. And he acts so surprised that he cannot get approved for the rental lot without his father?! Amazing.

Anyhowww....I am VERY happy to read that your husband is seeking help. :) You sound like a very supportive person and he's blessed to have you. I only wish my husband recognized those same qualities in me, but he doesn't. I'm the 'reason' he's in ruin. Your husband is going to have to understand the emotions you are feeling at this time. Obviously, there has been a break in trust - understandably so. I am PROUD of him for biting the bullet and coming clean with you. Somehow I feel that had to be a scary experience for him...but he did it! :bouncing:

If you ever need someone to talk to who's been there, please know I am here. I know what this does to a marriage, finances, security and trust. Your husband sounds well on his way to getting the help he needs. I am sorry for the hurt this ordeal has caused you. It's a heartbreaker, isn't it? I am just like you - never did drugs and avoided getting too chummy with people who did. I'm sure I'm a little naive on the subject too - well, not since talking to people here. Aren't they great?

So you and your husband hang in there. I hope he sticks to the program. You make sure you take care of yourself...try not to let the worries consume you. I have no doubt you've spent many a night tossing & turning and asking a lot of "why's". I did that until I was emotionally AND physically exhausted. So take time out of the mess for YOU. Good luck and God bless.

Scared Wife

lostnewwife
08-18-2005, 09:51 AM
Thanks Scared Wife and everyone else for their encouragement.
My husband didn't go to his second NA meeting last night. I was extremely disappointed in him and made that very clear. He may experience bad days in the weeks ahead, but that's no excuse for not following through on his recovery. I expect him to be a husband on all levels; by staying stay clean, being honest, going to NA meetings and paying the bills...and if he neglects any of these responsibilities, I'm done with him. Is this too hard? According to him, he's doing his best. I have seen considerable improvement in some areas, but I don't want him to try really hard at first and slowly start to regress back to the drug abusing loser he's been for the past six months. He appreciates my support and tries to reassure me as much as possible, but for me, actions speak louder than words. Not to mention the fact that his words mean nothing to me at this point (after all the lies I fell for, I'm not going to let that happen again). But after I share my disappointment in him, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I do see improvements, but not enough, and I don't want to put TOO much pressure on him, I don't want to overwhelm him and make him relapse. But, at the same time, I get angry with him for making me feel guilty...why can't I expect the best from him at all times? I am far from perfect, but I've never intentionally hurt him, I've never put my needs before his, and I've never lied to him...so don't I have the right to expect the same of him? I'm just confused. I don't know what he needs right now, should I continue to push him to be better, or settle for what he's already accomplished. I am grateful that he's been sober for over three weeks, but for me, it doesn't end there. I want a FULL recovery, not just from his addiction, but as a husband and man, too. Am I asking for too much at once? There is a fine line between being supportive and stupid. I want to support him, to encourage him, and to motivate him, but I never want to settle. I want to see more. Is this selfish? Am I putting too much pressure on him? I know I should focus more on me right now, but I am still his wife and what I want his for him to be clean, sober, honest and responsible. Therefore, what I want should be the same as what he wants...nothing less. Does anyone have any suggestions? Is pressure helpful now? Or should I focus on what he has accomplished and give him time to prove the rest. I know it took six months to nearly destroy this marriage, and it won't take a week to repair it...but I also don't want to be too passive and allow him to fall off track. I want to test him, to see what he does on his own...instead of me nagging and pushing him, I want him to do this on his own, for the right reasons. He said that going to NA meetings is for him and he goes with that mentality, but a part of me thinks that he does it for me...which isn't for the right reason. Should I sit back and watch, let the cards fall where they may, or should I continue to be involved in every thing he does? Please help.

smc612
08-18-2005, 12:04 PM
dear lostnewwife--- please don't beat yourself up. when my husband stopped his cocaine use it took two years for us to get it together. yes, i wanted it all at one time but tried to be patient and realized he had enough just staying clean. the reat came in time. he became the wonderful man i new he was. used to ask me how long it would take me to trust him again and what would it take. i told him time,i don't know how long but i'll know when i do. try to keep being supportive but keep a little detachment until you feel more comfortable and he is more secure . best always!

angel

castroud
08-18-2005, 02:16 PM
It's amazing to see how many of us are going through the same things! I'm in a similar situation, supporting a family of 4 (the man and his kids), and thanks to a lot of positive support I finally put my foot down last night and told him it changes or it's over. I'm already looking for a new job out of state (I really hate the state I live in), school starts next week, and I'm focusing on myself. I've had it with the pain, the lies, the mistrust....remember to put YOU first. When you do that, it feels GREAT. Best of luck to all of you and thanks for the support and advice!!

smc612
08-18-2005, 02:23 PM
God bless and best of luck. my prayers will be with you for things to work out for the best for YOU!! be well

angel

Scared Wife
08-18-2005, 07:25 PM
Hi Lostnewwife,

Try to hang in there, but at the same time, do the best you can to make sure he sticks to recovery. He will need time to get his recovery plan in order, just as you will need time to deal with your emotions. As you said, a year's worth of damage won't be repaired in a week. Wise words and attitude on your part. But I understand YOUR expectations completely and how badly you want things to move along steadily. I guess I would have to ask 'why' he didn't want to attend the meeting. I can understand a rough day on a hot, dusty construction site (my husband is in construction as well) may make a person just want to come home, put their feet up and unwind. You sound so much like me...not wanting to place too much pressure on him at this time and feeling guilty if you do. Just make sure you're not accepting any 'lame' excuses from him as to why he doesn't want to go. Time will tell if he truly wants to beat this addiction. I will tell you a bit more about my situation and you'll see where I'm coming from.

Initially, my husband & I began counseling together (by the way, drugs aren't the only issue with him, the dr. also felt strongly that he has borderline personality disorder - a double whammy for me). He quit after 3 sessions, claiming the psychologist was a fraud and that he needed to focus on making money and didn't have time for the sessions (keep in mind we were utilizing my health insurance to pay for it). I reluctantly agreed...trying to show empathy, because his financial situation was really beginning to errode, and because I felt he would be fair enough to return to counseling once he got a handle on his business/money. Well, his season wasn't a big success yet the work was steady with no customer payment issues whatsoever. He never came back to counseling because he was 'too busy trying to make money to pay the overdue bills and try to get ahead for the upcoming slow winter months..." You can totally imagine my absolute heartache, anger & disgust when he formed a friendship with a customer who owned an airplane & offered him use of the plane if he wanted to take flying lessons at our county airport. Suddenly, FOR THAT, money was no issue. I was devastated at having to swallow that bitter reality pill. I am resentful of it to this day. My heart sunk to its lowest point that day.

So just don't fall into the same trap of excuses that I fell into. I worked my tail off to be supportive of my husband in all aspects of his life - and that was what I got in return. He didn't get to hear from the dr. the BPD issue either. I can't fix that anymore than I can fix his addiction. Talk about feeling helpless and lost! At that point and in talking to the wonderful supporters here, I made a decision for MYSELF - that I deserved better than that. To me, he displayed nothing but a total lack of maturity and a total lack of interest in repairing our marriage. I felt like I was married to a ghost. I, too, was too passive for fear of making things worse/harder. My husband took advantage of that - my good heart and good intentions.

Still, I commend your husband for coming clean with you on the drug problem. Believe me, that was not easy for him by any means and that is the first step. Just don't let him get 'lazy' about the recovery. If he does, his heart isn't in it - just as my husband's wasn't. Keep a stash of money away for yourself so that it's there SHOULD you need it down the road. Keep encouraging him to do the right thing and that's about all you can do. It's clear you love him - just as I love my husband. That's the hard part in all this. Our heads tell us to walk away, but our hearts won't allow it. It sounds to me like he realizes he's got a lot on the line here. Be reasonably patient with him but don't beat yourself up over your own emotions that you are feeling. You are the other 50% of the marriage...you, too, are entitled to have expectations. Having a responsible, sober husband is not unreasonable.

Again, try to stay strong, encouraging and patient. Watch things closely but let's face it...you can't police him 24/7 no matter how hard you try and want to. I'm around if you need to talk. I understand your confusion and lack of trust. I will keep both of you in my thoughts and prayers.

Scared Wife

lostnewwife
08-19-2005, 10:54 AM
An update...
My husband had a tough day yesterday, and at first, I wasn't very supportive. After we had a heated discussion, I gave him some space and when I returned, I found him sitting in the exact same spot I left him in.I could see the immense pain and hopelessness that overwhelmed him, his facial expression, his body language, every ounce of him. I immediately embraced him and he began to weep in my arms. Never before have I seen my husband in such a low state, it was both scary and comforting. Scary because it was something I've never had to deal with before. Comforting because it was proof that he was remorseful, and because he's obviously NOT using. Normally, when he's high, nothing I say affects him, he could care less. But now, he hears me. Even though he felt so low, I knew he also felt relieved that he could release some of his emotions. He was so grateful for my support, repeating it over and over again, between sobs. I truly hope I am not kidding myself, and that this is a good indication of his recovery. Today is 26 days of sobriety...any suggestions on how to acknowledge his progress in a positive constructive way? Would it be completely inappropriate to do a drug test, just to be sure? I would be really unforgiving if I spent the entire weekend celebrating a sobriety that doesn't exist, but at the same time, I don't want to insult him by not believing he is in fact clean...and make a good situation sour.
Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

lostnewwife
08-20-2005, 08:33 AM
My husband went to his second NA meeting last night. Most of the people in the meeting were addicted to methadone, and terrified him. One woman really hit him hard. She spoke about losing her son, and everything else along the way and he was really affected by her story and experience. They also played a video of two people in a conversation; one sober and one high on cocaine. He was in shock, watching the coke user ramble on and on about nothing relevant to the conversation. He asked if that's what he sounded like when he'd come home from work, after using all day with his buddies, thinking he was in complete control and unsuspicious. I had to laugh because it was true. Some days, he would walk in the door and just go off; talking about anything and everything. All those times, he believed I was oblivious, and that he wasn't being obvious...drugs are certainly deceptive - mostly to the user apparently. These meetings are so helpful and I am so relieved that he's going to them. We're on day 27 and still going strong. :bouncing:

lostnewwife
08-23-2005, 07:49 AM
PLEASE HELP!
I am terrified that the worst has happened.
Last week, my husband informed me that his new boss did not release his pay (common in the construction industry). I was skeptical to say the least, but trusted it was true for the time being. Yesterday was his four week anniversary, so I asked him to do a drug test...just to be certain. Well, the test was positive for cocaine. He claims to be clean for 27 days, so how is this possible? Does anyone know how long cocaine stays detectable in urine? These are two huge red flags for me; money missing and a positive test. Any advice? Am I kidding myself here and this is completely obvious? I called his boss today and left a message, I want to hear it from him, in person, that he withheld his pay. If his boss tells me otherwise, I'm kicking his butt out forever! Does anyone have any advice or suggestions? Please be honest, I can handle it. What I can't handle is living a lie...truth is all I need at this point.
Thank you.

keepongrowing
08-23-2005, 07:46 PM
I am so sorry for this recent incident and all you have been going through recently. My understanding is that cocaine is cleared from the body relatively quickly, about 72 hours. There might be some slight variations depending on the person, the amount they used and the sensitivity of the test but that at most should add only a day or 2 to the time frame I mentioned above (and that is probably generous.) I guess what I am saying is that there is no way your husband has been sober for a month. He probably used this past weekend or sooner. Hope this info helps in some small way...this is a difficult situation with no easy answer. I am thinking of you.

Susan

thghtsreal
08-23-2005, 08:20 PM
Lostnewwife, don't chase your husband around trying to figure out "is he using? Is he clean? When did he use last? How will I know? Is he lying? Is he telling the truth?"

You will drive yourself nuts - really. He might be on drugs, but YOU are the one who will go nuts.

Face the situation for what it is. Your husband is a drug addict. You know that. He will be an addict for a long time. Even if he really truly quit right now, he would still be an addict for all practical purposes for at least a year until he starts functioning normally. Now, what are YOU going to do about it for YOU. Forget about what you think you can do for HIM. You need to decide what you are going to do about it for YOU. Stay? Leave? Move away for several months? Pick a course, and stick to it. Change what you can change and forget about the things you can't change.

Please Advise
08-24-2005, 08:51 AM
Lostnewwife, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. Our stories are so similar and what you feel and how you feel is so much like how I am feeling that I have been following your story with hope, trying to see my husband in your husband.

My update... Last night I went to an Al-Anon meeting and afterwards, we got into a heated argument because hearing all those sad and so similar stories made me extremely angry at him and doubtful about his honesty with me this time as well. Like you, I know he has made progress, but can't help wondering and being afraid to be too lenient. So he was extremely upset that I was being negative and not focusing on his progress. I also wonder if I should give him a drug test and then tell myself that it is not my job to continuously check on him. I have reached a point where I feel that if he falters, despite everything, then he is willing to give me up and I should be willing to give him up. I told him last night that I am not sure he has reached rock bottom and is ready to change. I told him that I had reached rock bottom, not him.

This is what I know: Change will take time (like someone said, it will take time to fix what got broken throught the years) and I probably should be ready (hoping that it won't happen, but ready nonetheless) for any "mistakes" from his part. He might honestly be ready to change and stop, but it won't be easy for him and it is not easy for me. And at times he will not understand my anger and I will not understand why it is so difficult for him. Also, knowing that he is trying is worth some points, but the overall tally will depend on the outcome, and the outcome will depend on him. He continues to go to meetings and read his Book. But whatever the outcome, I feel I have been damaged as well and I need to work on me. We all need support and he needs my support so I will continue to give it, but I need support as well so I will continue to read this message board and talk/listen to people.

It is terribly upsetting that your husband has used again. I would suggest that you continue to be firm, but allow him to know that you will support him, as long as he is honest and truly shows that he is willing to accept any help. Perhaps others will tell you otherwise and perhaps they are more right. Does he admit to it? Will he be honest with you that he has used again?

lostnewwife
08-24-2005, 09:25 AM
Well, I approached him about this last night. He swears up and down that he IS NOT using again. I did some research online yesterday and one website said that frequent users (112 grams/week) had traces of cocaine in their urine up to 22 days later...so it is possible I guess. Nonetheless, he was very upset that I doubted him, although he completely understands why...it's just hard for him because in his head he's made so much progress. However, he realizes that I need confirmation of this from someone other than him, so I made an appointment with my doctor to have blood work done. The reason I am doing this is for some peace of mind. I don't want to support him while he's merely PRETENDING to recover...either he IS or he ISN'T. Plus, if the test confirms he's NOT using, than I can start to trust him, even if it's a little bit, it's a start. It's difficult to not trust him. Usually trust is second nature, done without effort or thought, but now, it requires so much of me. It's weird how we take these simple, yet important, things for granted when we have them. Anyway, all the money is accounted for and another test is scheduled, so I will be patient.
I know this is a LONG journey, his recovery is NOT the only thing we're dealing with...so I have to learn to not expect too much at once, be patient and accept that I can't trust my husband right now, no matter how much I want to. I believed him last night, I believe that he hasn't used and I will continue to believe in him and his sobriety until I see the test results.
Like Please Advise, I, too get mad at my husband for how I feel...frustrated that he can't help me and reassure me...and that this nightmare isn't being resolved as fast as I'd like it. However, time is what we need - just as long as he is honest with me the ENTIRE time, I will stand by him.
Thank you so much to those who've replied and offered advice and support...this board is beyond helpful, it is HEAVEN sent.

thghtsreal
08-24-2005, 09:46 AM
Ladies, you have every right to be doubtful, distrusting, and even angry.

Your husbands have lied to you so long and so often, you would be a fool to believe them now. Just because they suddenly got clean for a couple of days, or weeks, or months is not enough to earn or deserve your trust.

The old saying goes, "how do you know if a drug addict is lying?" - "Their lips are moving". There is a lot of TRUTH in that statement.

So, don't let them put the guilt trip on you for not believing them or not trusting them. Tell them that you deserve credit for being more intelligent than that. Once bit twice shy.

lostnewwife
08-28-2005, 09:16 AM
Here's an update...
Well, just when I thought we'd hit rock bottom, we reached a new low yesterday. What I am learning through this process is that the harder someone hits rock bottom, the better their chances of recovery.
A week ago,I cleaned out ALL of our bank accounts, behind his back, so that it would appear we have NOTHING left after his months of cocaine use. I knew it would cause immense pressure, but that's the reality of our situation. The more I cushion the blow and the more I make this easier on him, the worse it is for hius recovery in the long run. Support is a deceiving word; there is a fine line between ENABLING and TOUGH LOVE...and I chose the latter. Yesterday, we used all the money we had on us, and my husband was miserable that he had not one cent to his name. He was trying every possible way to get money, and no one would help. He asked me to go to my family (they knew my game plan) and they turned us down, too. He was forced to go to his family...he was forced to find a solution, instead of depending on me to fix everything, like usual. His family did not understand the true extent of his addiction and were blown away by his behaviour last night. He was forced to go to his brothers and ask for a loan...and he explained everything to them; how bad he was, how much money he's spent, all the drama that has unfolded, etc. He was forced to come clean because he was at a new low point and was unable to control his emotions and tears, even in front of them. It was emotional for all of them, but opened their eyes to the situation, which was what I wanted. I can't do this alone, they need to help me help him. They offered to go with him to his NA meetings, they loaned him money (which was given straight to me) and in the end, became closer as siblings. My husband would have NEVER admitted EVERYTHING to them if I hadn't made his situation unbearable, to the point that he had NOTHING.
I would have never understood this if I hadn't come to this site. Reading the stories of thghtsreal and KFld, not to mention the countless others, and how they were so strong with their CHILDREN - forcing them to hit the ultimate low and face the reality of their addictive situations, I would have continued to soften the blow every time my husband felt low. PARENTS have a MUCH harder time with this, I couldn't even imagine, so what excuse do I have? If they could muster up the strength to kick their children out, with no money, no place to sleep, why can't I? I wasn't helping him by softening the blow of his lows, I was helping myself. But this isn't about me, this is about him. Now, I want him to suffer, I want him to struggle and ask for help so that in the future, when cocaine crosses his path, he will remember this and hopefully be strong enough to say "no". I found him in the bathroom, rolled up on the floor crying uncontrollably, and I left him there, telling him I had no solutions. He brought us here, and he's the ONLY one who can take us out. I am not working on him anymore, I am focusing on ME for a change. I feel so much better because I've let go of the responsibility of his recovery. It isn't my responsibility, even though I love him, I will NOT carry this burden for him. The only chance he has of surviving this is if he finds the strength in HIMSELF to do it, I can't help him and I can't find it for him.
Thank you so much to the mothers and fathers of addicts on this site especially. You taught me the true role and proper steps in supporting a loved one through recovery by sharing your experiences. I am forever grateful.
I'll keep you posted on his recovery and my new and improved attitude!

thghtsreal
08-28-2005, 12:34 PM
Sounds like you are finally on the turn-around. Good for you! It is tough. Who could imagine that they would have to go through this.

I am glad that you took your families remaining resources and put them in a safe place before it really was ALL gone. That was smart. You know that if you remained on the path you were on, it would have been disasterous.

Where you are at right now isn't easy, but at least you can see there is hope.

Good luck. Keep us posted. Stay strong.

lostnewwife
08-29-2005, 11:39 AM
Karen,
Thanks for your advice. My sister and I are going to my first meeting on Wednesday night, she's been pushing me to go for weeks.
A part of me is worried that I will go and return more mad at him than before I went (which would be scary for both of us). I think this way because I already feel like that when I read people's stories on here. Take your situation for example, I got so angry after I read what your son is doing to you and your family. On a weekend when you should have been celebrating your marriage of TWENTY FIVE YEARS, you were worried sick about your son. I was so MAD at him for sucking you dry of any cause for celebration...instead, he's left you in a mourning state. Once I hear even more stories, see these people in pain and anguish, like I am in, I fear I will come home and want to strangle him for everything he's caused. Yes, making him accountable is a part of this recovery, but I'm sick of being mad.
However, I hope this meeting makes me feel relieved, not more emotional. I will go and check it out with an open mind and report back on Thursday. I know I need support, I know I need to vent my anger and my pain (other than to him ONLY), and I know that I will feel more understood once I go.
Thank you for your support, thank you for sharing your stories with us. I hope that you are finding it a little easier to accept that you've done your best, and continue to, by letting him be. You are NOT ONLY helping your son and your family, but EVERYONE else on this board. On behalf of them and myself, thank you so much...you are truly an inspiration.

KFld
08-29-2005, 11:57 AM
Alanon will not make you angrier, I promise you. Alanon is for your recovery. When I first started going I thought I was going to learn how to help my son, but I soon realized that is not what it is about at all, it is about me. I thought, why do I need to recover, I'm not the addict, but I do need to recover from what this has done to myself and my family and alanon is helping me do this, by sitting in a room full of people who are slowly recovering.
I'm glad you are going. I never leave there angry, I leave there feeling a little more peace to help me through my week.

lostnewwife
08-29-2005, 12:19 PM
Thank you, you've convinced me. I will go, I will listen and learn and share my experience on Thursday. Thanks for your encouragement, I hope it helps me as much as it's helped you. Hope you're having a better day today.

KFld
08-30-2005, 04:42 AM
Well it's 7:30 a.m. Tuesday morning and I am having a better day already because I went to my meeting last night. It does me so much good. I have learned to speak up very comfortably during them because the feedback helps me so much. Last night I spoke of how awful it has been having to throw my own son out, not knowing if he will ever live in my house again and feeling like I'm in morning and trying not to question my choices. The feedback I got from others was so supportive. The stories of people who did the same thing and the positive results that came of it from some. One women said her son didn't speak to her for 4 years and when he finally contacted her, she learned he had been clean for 2 years. Those are the things you need to hear. I will be away this weekend, so I don't know if I will hear from you after you go, but I will be looking forward to hearing about your first meeting when I get back. I think you said you go Thursday night. I should have time to check in Friday morning before I leave, but if you don't hear from me, know that I am away and will be waiting to hear when I get back.

Stay Strong!!!

lostnewwife
08-30-2005, 07:58 AM
Thank you, Karen

I am so glad that these meetings help you as much as they do. I hope after a couple of meetings, I, too will have the courage to speak about my husband and share my war stories. Thank you for encouraging me to go, it means a lot. My meeting is on Wednesday night, so I will write about my experience that night or Thursday at some point.
I hope you enjoy your weekend away. Try to take some YOU time; relax, enjoy your husband (do you have other children?), and family...try NOT to think about your son. I don't mean that in a nasty melicious way, but set him aside, even for a moment because unfortunately, this nightmare will still be here when you return. So please, you deserve to take some time off, even if it's just for a little.
Thanks again for your support and advice. I am looking forward to going and I know it will do nothing more than make me feel better - which is heavenly right now...I'LL ALMOST TAKE ANY THING IF IT MEANS RELIEF! (except drugs!) :nono:
Take care, have a great weekend! :wave:

lostnewwife
09-04-2005, 11:23 AM
An update for anyone interested and following my long sad story....

Last night, after being separated for the week, I asked my husband to do another drug test. I can see his progress, but I wanted to be 100%. My husband was not impressed to say the least because according to him, the tests have been wrong up until now (I've tested him three times in six weeks and they all read positive so far). I don't believe anything he says, so everytime we tested, I believed the tests over him and WWIII would break out. So, last night, he tested POSITIVE, AGAIN! I was furious, irate and beyond disappointed. He's over fourty days sober, so there is NO way the cocaine could still be in his system...therefore, he's lying as far as I'm concerned. I was so sad this morning, thinking nothing has changed; he's still a liar and addict. My sister suggested I take a test, just to prove to him that HE'S the LIAR, NOT the drug test. So I did. Guess what? I TESTED POSITIVE FOR COCAINE, TOO! The funny part is that I have NEVER done cocaine, EVER. So he was right...THE TEST WAS WRONG! Can you believe it? I was partly relieved because I can SLIGHTLY trust him again, but SO ANGRY that these tests are FAR FROM 99% accurate as their website claims. To think of the fights we've had from the previous tests that were for NOTHING, like we needed that! UGH! So, I wanted to share this story for two reasons; to acknowledge my husbands surprising honesty :bouncing: and to warn potential drug test consumers of the possible inaccuracies of these tests. :eek:

Arememom
09-05-2005, 11:34 AM
I'm so sorry for your ordeal. I might suggest Alanon. You have to make the decision weather to stay or go. Alanon will just help you be healthy. Unfornatuely addiction/alcoholism tends to make the whole family sick. Hope things get better. God Bless.

KFld
09-07-2005, 05:57 AM
So, did you make it to alanon?? I hope so.
That is terrible that the tests came out wrong, but that is exactly why I stopped home drug testing my son. The first day out of rehab he tested positive for opiates and luckily it came with a mail in container to a lab that proved it was negative. I will never do home testing again. It works for some people, but not for me.

You will know if he's clean, you will feel it and you will see it, and time will tell if he's not. Don't beat yourself up over trying to figure it out, just protect yourself and have a plan of action if you find out he's not. You need to decide what you will do, just incase, and then stick to it.

I'm really looking forward to hearing if you went to alanon?