View Full Version : finally leaving my addicted husband

09-18-2005, 03:06 PM
For those of you who have been following my story/thread ("Husband Addicted to Cocaine"), I wanted to update you. I caught my husband doing coke the other night. He wanted to sleep on the couch, which left me suspicious, but I went to bed anyway. About an hour and a half later, I heard him turn on the tv. It was a work night, so he's normally crashed by 10:00, the latest, and hearing him still awake, after midnight, was yet another reason to be suspicious. I got out of bed and when I got in the livingroom, he looked so guilty, like a deer in headlights. He immediately turned off the television so the entire room went black, so I turned it back on. You could tell he was hiding something, so I started looking around while asking him questions and under the couch I found a baggie of cocaine and a rolled up $20 bill. After six months of accusing him, I finally caught him red-handed! I was partly relieved, this was the affirmation I needed (as sad as that sounds after all the evidence I've already found) and he couldn't deny it, he couldn't blame it on someone else! After an hour of screaming and yelling, I went to bed...but I made sure to flush his coke down the toilet first. When I got home from work Friday night, he was apologetic, and even agreed to going to rehab for a month to deal with his addiction AND his horrible inability to deal with life's every day struggles. I was so happy to hear him say these things, after months of lying and most likely using, he's finally going to get fulltime care. But, something didn't sit right with me. I woke up this morning knowing that nothing was ever going to change and that this marriage has passed the point of ever being salvaged. I don't know what it was, but as soon as my eyes opened, I knew it, I knew it was over and that he will never change. Everything he said on Friday night was a lie, too and it's only a matter of time before he proves that. Well, I'm not giving him more time, I'm not giving him another opportunity to hurt me. I asked him to leave and he left without an ounce of remorse. He said so many hurtful things, blaming me for making him want to do coke again was the worst of them all. He said he refuses to pay any more bills, leaving me with all the pressure and mess he's put us in. We were only married for one year and four months and now it is over. I am so hurt, I feel so mislead and betrayed. His cruel, selfish behaviour is killing me and it's far from over, we still have to sell our home we worked so hard to buy. This is so sad, so pointless, I made such a fool of myself for marrying him. I guess I have to stay focused and refuse to allow him to destroy me any more, it's much easier said than done. God give me strength.

09-18-2005, 04:04 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about your problems. Unfortunately, addicts have to blame someone other than thems. We only take responsibility when we decide we have a problem and are out of control. Hopefully he will rethink his situation, but you need to do whatever it takes for you to be happy and sane. Maybe he'll also rethink paying the bills. Especially if they are in his name. Only time will tell. Right now he is just angry that he got caught. Maybe also feeling guilty, which turns to anger at the people closest to us. I've been there lately myself. I'm the addict and there are days I'm mad at everyone including myself. Take care and Good Luck. :angel:

09-18-2005, 08:25 PM
I would have done the exact same thing. I don't know where you live, but you won't have any trouble selling your home right now. I am a realtor and it's a sellers market everywhere. Your husband will have to grow up and take responsibility for his addiction, you can't. If selling the house and paying off bills is the worst of it, you came out lucky. I know it hurts, but it could hurt worse. You just got the proof you needed. he actually got something too, the truth without saying it....addicts hate to tell the truth. The truth hurts...you are on the upswing now my dear...you hang tuff...you are on the road to recovery too!! If he wants to join you, that's his choice...yuo can't make him. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you...he just loves the coke more...addicts love their drug more than life itself.....so don't take it personal. You will be fine. Pull up your bootstaps and keep moving!!! Life goes on...what choice do you have???? Prayers are with you........

09-18-2005, 09:53 PM
hi hunny. i am sooo sorry to hear about you're relationship. i understand exactly what you are going through. i am currently getting out of nearly the exact situation
i know its hard, trust me i know, its taken all of my strength not to beg him to get help, but i know that will only lead to more heartache. i caught my ex in almost the same situation..lol, on the couch watching tv late and sniffling like no tomorrow. however i didnt bother checking it out, i already knew what was happening, i didnt need to upset myself even more.
our only chance at sanity is to let them go. if they love us...they will see what they are missing and get help. if they chose the drugs...we are better off. even though it hurts us now. we deserve better,
good luck to you, everything will work out, be strong....
hugs and love

09-19-2005, 06:41 AM
I'm sorry it ended this way for you, but I'm also proud of you for your choices. You cannot stop him from being an addict, but you can stop yourself from living with it. You said you were relieved, of course you were, because for months now you have known what is going on and he has been able to convince you that you could be wrong. Now you have the answer you need to move forward. Of course he is going to blame you because he's not ready to take his own responsibility for where his life is right now. My 18 year old son admitted his addiction 3 months ago and at that time I really believed he was going to go to detox and never ever touch the stuff again. I have learned so much over the last 3 months, and he's still using and has been out of our house for a month. It's different with a child though, because I will never cut off all my ties to him, I have no desire to do that and still love him with all my heart, but he cannot live home where I can enable him and this choice is teaching him responsibility for his life and his choices.

hang tough. You will have a very hard time in the first few weeks, but it gets easier when your life gets back to normalcy and you aren't living everyday in someone elses addiction. :wave: