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pizzalady
01-07-2006, 07:19 PM
Hello,

I am new here and this is my first post.

My husband is addicted to marijuana and even though he is aware of it, he refuses to stop or seek help. He says he does not want to stop. It is ruining our marriage and the lives of our children. But since he smokes pot he just doesnt care about any of us. He pays no attention to us and says he has very little feelings for us. He is just so disconnected, depressed, and wont face reality and uses marijuana as an escape from the pain of every day life. He even had an affair with some woman that was getting him high so that she would keep getting it for him because his connection had dried up. We have our own business and he is risking losing it if he ever gets caught because he gets high there most of the time. He doesnt care that he is risking his future...our future and our childrens future. All he cares about is his pot! He says he needs it just to get through the day.

He smokes on average 3-5 joints a day and has been for about the last 6 years. He started using when he was about 16 and is now 40. He started when his parents started having problems.

Anyway, if he does not stop or get help I am out of here. Is there anything I can do? What is the best way to approach the situation?

shameandpain
01-08-2006, 07:30 PM
Hey - I don't have the privacy for an in depth post
tonihgt. But, I wanted to let you know I was in a
similar situation, and how it turned out..tomorrow
I'll post! Hang in there! Lizzie

bshea
01-09-2006, 09:18 AM
alrightt, first off, WEED is not addicting at all, its all in your HEAD that makes you think your addicted, i smoked weed all the time non-stop, like 4 bowls in morning, lunch, on way home from work, after dinner, before bed, for a long time also, and then i got caught and just stopped right away, without any problems at all, no craving or anyything, just a little hard to sleep b/c of not being stoned... but its not physically addicting like OXYCONTIN.. which i am addicted to now... physical addicting is something you actually NEED, otherwise youll be in widthdrawll, but weed, you think you need it, but really you dont... once you stop smoking and it gets outta your system more, your head clears up and you relize it. with pills, youll do anything to get them just to keep up your habit, LIE, STEAL, ect... i never done that once to get weed, only now have i ever stole money to go buy oxycontin..

you do have a few widthdrawls from smoking weed all the time, but nothing close to other drugs.... trouble sleeping... Depression, Anxiety, moody, and really BORED!

pizzalady
01-09-2006, 11:46 AM
I disagree, it is addicting. I am tired of hearing that it's not addictive, thats just bull! Even if it is not considered physically addicting it is emotionally and mentally addicting, just like porn/sex, and workaholism. Just because physical withdrawl is not present does not mean that one is not addicted. But newer studies have proven that prolonged use does cause mild withdrawl symtems, but not a severe as other drugs. And if you have an addictive personality, well then, you are easily addicted to many things. And being admited to rehab due to marijuna addiction has continued to rise and is becoming more recognized and is being treated more and more. Yes, it si not as bad as some drugs, but any drug addiction is bad regardless. Making it "less" bad means nothing!

You tell my kids that pot is harmless because it it's all in their daddy's head! You tell them that ! On christmas day their dad risked their lives to get to his harmless pot. He wanted to smoke at a relatives house and it was raining so he could go for a walk. So he comes in the house tells us its time to go. He does 80 miles an hour to get home, in the rain, and runs a red light! We could have been killed had the person at the light not saw us. And as soon as we got home and the kids went inside, he was on the porch lighting up! So you tell me, is it really not that bad?

shameandpain
01-09-2006, 01:06 PM
I agree-it's addicting. My husband smoked pot on our homeymoon.
I was just out of college, and thought "no biggie". He had terrible
mood swings. Now, I realize that those were times he was in W/D.

He's the type, however, that blamed me for everything that put him in a bad mood. The house wasn't clean, etc - but I know now that he was just
lashing out till his next bong. . Our biggest fights were occasions
when he couldn't get a hold of his dealer - and he W/D again.

He would risk carrying stuff on flights, smoke where our kids
kept wondereing "why is daddy always in the attic?". And" what
is that funny smell daddy always has?"

I know that I am responsible for myself, however, I am convinced that
part of my trouble with pain meds came as a result of never knowing
what kind of mood my husband was in. I took meds to "check out".
That was after I spent years trying to "fix" whatever he was going
off about ( clean better, cook better, ..). Whenever I did one thing
he had yelled about, he found something new to diss.

Looking back, I should have left - fast, and faster after my 1st child.

He actually has quit now( after 23 years), and seems to be doing OK..
But, he can still be difficult to live with. It's like it's too late now - I made
my bed..Don't know if this helps, but you are not alone! Lizzie

VeryTired
01-09-2006, 07:45 PM
Yes, I too am tired of this nonsense about weed not being addictive. It's one of the most insidious drugs there are. It works and worms its way into every aspect of your life. Tell the career potheads that it's not addictive.

Of course, they will talk about how they've held down so-and-so job for years and years so how can it be addictive? It robs you of your motivation and ambition. In short, your dreams. I feel like I could write a book about it but I won't.

I feel blessed to be in a place where not only it's very hard to find, but so cold outside I can't even be bothered to try.

I bet when your husband was lighting up on the porch, he didn't even feel a high. Just a tremendous relief from obscuring the lucidity that comes with withdrawal from weed. After a time, you smoke just to feel normal, just to tolerate the pain of knowing what you and your life has become. It's truly an evil substance. At least the harder drugs take a person down fast so he/she can recover and try to get well. With weed, you can actually be addicted to it for years and not realize the damage because it just becomes a part of the scenery.

You may have wanted at one time to do so-and-so, this and that. Eventually, all of it can be dispensed of, why bother when ya got a bag of some nice weed, why even bother to try and engender the good feelings that come with achievement and success when you can get it just by lighting up.

pizzalady
01-09-2006, 08:03 PM
And you know what else? He didnt even care that he risked our lives! The kids were terrified. I had to calm them down and tell them everything was alright while their daddy drove like a maniac because he had to get home to gt high. Well, it wasnt alright and it's not ever going to be alright! I have to tell them daddy is too busy to be with you EVER because he has to go off and get high...you dont matter, only his pot matters. I dont matter either...no one and nothing matters cause he is numb...permanently stoned. Even when he is here he sint here! He doesnt care about anyone or anything and has no dreams. And since he has no dreams he wants to make sure none of us do either. But yes dear, everything is alright now that daddy has his weed to make him feel better.

I want to run and hide! I am ashamed that this is my childrens reality and my husband doesnt see it...my husband doest care! I am ashamed that I am allowing this to happen. That I dot have enough balls to walk out that door, to do the right thing by them. Lord know my husband will never do the right thing. He doenst love me, he loves his pot and his pizzeria, I am there for looks. Having a wife and kids makes him "look" normal. I am being used..I am an object that fills a needs, nothing more.
Where the is my self worth, my self respect?

wut2do
01-10-2006, 10:23 PM
I'm soo sorry, you sound soo distressed. I can somewhat relate to your situation, my ex was a pothead too...among other things. It's a horrible feeling to have someone in our life who is never 'there', their bodies are, but their minds are off in places we can't imagine. My ex actually decided he didnt want to have an apartment with nice things...free of cockroaches, a car, a job...or a future...all he wanted was to be able to get high and not feel bad about it. I wish there was something I could say, but im afraid there isnt. I do know that you need to do what is best for you and your children, whatever the case may be.
As for pot NOT being addictive...that is a crazy notion. It is a mind altering drug, of course its addictive. And it may not be as harsh as some drugs, but the negative effects it has on a persons mental state is very real. Your ambitions, your dreams, everything takes a back seat to being high...that is no way to live life. Weed is a crutch, just like any other addiction...its a temporary fix for problems people dont want to deal with..and sometimes, the fix becomes our livlihoods...and its all downhill from there.
Take care pizzalady...i wish you all the best

pizzalady
01-11-2006, 06:35 AM
Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I can tell that you have "been there" where I am right now. I am seeking help from a counselor for my codependency. My first appointment is tomorrow. I can no longer take the mental and emotional abuse of living with an addict...someone who is there but not as you say. I need to make some good choices for me and the kids and I am very distressed. I love my H, but my kids need me to be there for them, especially since he isnt.

tsoup
01-11-2006, 09:26 AM
I truly feel for all of you.

I started experimenting with pot near the end of high school. I found it to be fun and uplifting. After entering college my intake increased rapidly and I too became "addicted" for the first two years. I somehow managed to get good grades but I have to say I really don't remember much of those years (they say pot effects your memory. This is probably true to some extent.).

When I made a choice to quit, it wasn't difficult physically at all. But it was difficult emotionally because my world was centered around it. Most my friends, as it turned out, were my friends only because we smoked together, the same way drinkers, dopers, athletes, nerds, etc, stick together. Looking back, I realized that, at that time, I was using pot as a crutch, my way of softening my insecurities/fears about being away from home and on my own.

The change came when I decided to be strong and move forward with my life. I had bigger goals and wanted to get serious about them.

I have smoked occasionally since then and still occasionally smoke now (25 years later). I enjoy it's effects and feel they are definitely less harmful to myself and those around me than alcohol would be, especially behind the wheel of a car. Like everything, the key is in moderation.

I have been-there-done-that, and I have seen the effects it has on other smokers. From this I can assuredly state that the negative effects felt by a person are not by the pot but by the individual. Marijuana can be an uplifting, happy, positive, creative, inspirational tool. It can also be a euphoric escape. That depends on who is smoking and why.

You will not like hearing this from me, and I suspect that deep inside you know it to be true, but your husband's troubles are not pot. They are psychological. Pot is the way he escapes from them, masks them, or makes them easier to accept. To blame them on pot is fooling yourself (you yourself said that pot was a crutch he uses to escape the pressures of life, Pizzalady, then went on to blame it on the pot again instead of addressing the root cause which is emotional or psyhcological). What your husband needs is therapy to find out what is troubling him, what he's afraid of, what he's hiding from, or why he feels the need to escape. I will not speculate on what he's escaping from...maybe it's deep insecurity, maybe it's an inability to cope with pressure, maybe it's an inability to communicate with you or others, etc. With some of you I suspect that it may be relationship problems. Again I am only guessing and trying to help (that's what this forum is about).

I'm not an expert in psychological problems but I am an expert in marijuana. As such I VERY HIGHLY recommend you get your husband to a therapist, a marriage councelor, or both. And, even more importantly, you MUST work with him together on this issue with equality, compassion, patience, reassurance, acceptence and love, then be prepared for any revelations/changes that happen as a result. Without these, all the help in the world is worthless.

VeryTired
01-11-2006, 11:02 AM
Yeah, having a wife and kids to maintain a normal outward appearance is something i understand very well. My "father" is a hateful (edited) who never paid any mind to his wife or kids, but just figured he had no choice but to have such things in his life as that is what society expects, and who would go see a middle-aged doctor who's single and has no kids (that's his diseased thinking)

For me, personally, I am not remotely interested in marriage or kids and I never will be. But to my credit, i don't want to wreck other lives over it.

wut2do
01-11-2006, 11:18 PM
hey hunny, i hope you are having a better day. i just read the response from 'tsoup' and i must say im a little confused about it. lol. i agree that we shouldnt blame pot entirely for our counterparts behaviours...but at the same time i disagree that is has nothing to do with it. mind altering substances are just that...mind altering, they cause us to think and do things that we wouldnt normally think or do. pot offers people an altered reality, it replaces our realities with a non fictional book inside of our heads, if that makes any sense. and it is very hard to live with someone who would rather enjoy their 'book' so to speak, then live their lives with us.
to tsoup, i ask this...when a stoned reality becomes better than a real one...what is to blame?? if a person would rather get stoned then enjoy their life with their family..what is to blame..the drug, or the person themselves??
and to pizzalady, be strong and think of yourself...we all know he is
cheers
kris

pizzalady
01-12-2006, 08:17 AM
wut2do and tsoup,

I feel you are both correct. My H was messed up long before I met him and I didnt know it. He started using pot when he was around 16. It was recreational use, experimenting with friends like many other teens. But he also knew back then that it was a euphoric escape from his dysfunctional family life at home with his parents.

When we got married and eventually got our own business he started using more becuase he said he had a hard time coping with the long days. At that point he smoked only after his day was done (once a day). But then he started smoking more and more after he had a car accident about 6 years ago. I dont know why he started smoking more...pain maybe, or escape, I have no idea since he doesnt communicate his feelings anymore. He now smokes on average about 5 times a day, so he is pretty much permanently stoned 24/7. Only when he became addicted was when it started to affect the relationship. Prior to that maybe things were not always perfect but the realtionship was good and we were solid as a family. The pot addiction really changed all that. He started staying longer and longer at the pizzeria after closing to get high, and relax, and have a few beers. He started coming home later and later, never wanting to talk about anything...just wanted to eat and go to bed. No more intimacy, no more serious conversations, none of the things that really bonds a couple together. No time alone to go out, no time for the children, he was pushing us all away. But the thing about living in a altered reality is you dont know what you feel anymore and have no way to espress it. He even got to the point where he said he felt nothing for no one, not for me and not for the kids. He felt more connected to the customers than he was to his family. And that is when he had an affair. The woman was a customer and she supplied him with as he says "killer weed". He was lured by the drugs! He couldnt resist them. And maybe even at that point they were doing more than just pot (And sex), maybe harder drugs were involved. I dont know. But when he finally got out of the affair and he said we could work this out, I thought we had a chance. But with him still smoking pot and not willing to face reality, we dont stand much of a chance. If he is still using pot to mask his feelings the feelings cannot be addressed, therapy will do no good to get to the root of the problem as long as he is in a drug-enduced fantasyland. What he feels in that state is not real, it is perceived. He needs to get off pot in order to find the reason why he needs it. But if he could deal with those feelings he would probably not have started smoking it in the first place...therefore it is like a catch 22.

You smoke more to feel less, the you need more pot to feel less, the more you do the more you feel you need it. How do you stop? It is a viscous cycle. Thank you for your input everyone. I really do appreciate it.

VeryTired
01-12-2006, 09:30 PM
How do you stop? A good question. Some people hit bottom and are forced to stop by the law, finances, loss of freedom like jail, or some serious health problem.

A lot of people never do, though. it's the type of thing where after a time you need it to feel normal.

i haven't smoked in two weeks. that's the longest i've gone in eight months without smoking. went to the slum to try and score some today and was unable to. i really am lucky to be in a place where i am just unable to get any. i hope and pray i will be unable to until i finally get some sense in me. not bloody likely, though, as i have been waiting for that sense for about fifteen years now to no avail.

wut2do
01-13-2006, 02:30 AM
verytired...im sorry...but waiting for sense is going to be a long wait. good decisions dont find us...we make them. you have to find it within yourself, if you wait for good sense to find you, you will be waiting forever.
pizzalady, he has to want to stop or he wont. bottom line. unfortunatly it is his call and not yours. you can decide to stay with him, or to leave, but you cannot choose his lifestyle for him. i do wish you the best of luck
love kris

pizzalady
01-13-2006, 05:35 AM
You are right, he has to want to stop and i do know that. It is hard to make that decision to let go of some one you love and just let the drugs have him. But like you said, that is his choice and I have to make mine. That is why my getting help was so vital. I need help to make this decision because I know what I need to do but I am not strong enough. The addictions took away most of my self esteem (addicts are not the only ones affected, the whole family is) and when he had the affair it totally wiped it out. With all my self esteem gone the addiction flourished even more and that is when things seemed to have gotten out of control. There were no checks and balances! The new counsellor will work with me to help me gain my self esteem back. He said he will be there evry step of the way. And he said that when I am strong enough if I choose to do an intervention we can try then. He does say that my H needs one and that he is out of control. But I have to be strong enough before one can be done. So I was a little more optomistic when I left his office yesterday, but not about my H or our marriage, but about ME! ANd I think that's a good thing.

pizzalady
01-13-2006, 05:41 AM
Very tired,

wu2do is right. You have to make some good decisons on for YOU. Two weeks is good but the counsellor told me that it takes 4-6 weeks to get out of your system. If you can hold out that long maybe you will be able to make a clear decision without the pot fog. But my H has not gone a day without smoking 3 -5 times a day in the last 6 years, and has been smoking at least once a day for the past 15. So he is pretty fried. Permanently stoned as they say. My H has an endless supply so for me to wait for his stash to dry up isnt going to happen! I hope you make the right decision and stop...but we all know that is up to you. Good luck.

wut2do
01-13-2006, 09:40 AM
just wanted to say I'm happy you are thinking about you right now, before everything else. you are right, addictions affect us all. as much as he needs to heal you need to heal too. good luck with that, I know you will make the decision that is best for you.
hope you have a great day!!!
xoxoxo

sixwyldnine
01-14-2006, 06:38 AM
Hello,

I am new here and this is my first post.

My husband is addicted to marijuana and even though he is aware of it, he refuses to stop or seek help. He says he does not want to stop. It is ruining our marriage and the lives of our children. But since he smokes pot he just doesnt care about any of us. He pays no attention to us and says he has very little feelings for us. He is just so disconnected, depressed, and wont face reality and uses marijuana as an escape from the pain of every day life. He even had an affair with some woman that was getting him high so that she would keep getting it for him because his connection had dried up. We have our own business and he is risking losing it if he ever gets caught because he gets high there most of the time. He doesnt care that he is risking his future...our future and our childrens future. All he cares about is his pot! He says he needs it just to get through the day.

He smokes on average 3-5 joints a day and has been for about the last 6 years. He started using when he was about 16 and is now 40. He started when his parents started having problems.

Anyway, if he does not stop or get help I am out of here. Is there anything I can do? What is the best way to approach the situation?

Take care,
Carol~

sixwyldnine
01-14-2006, 07:05 AM
Hey I can tell you first of all I think most people did not answer your question. You want to change the situatoin your in . You want to fix the problem. First of all the reason people smoke pot is because there depressed about something in there life. Smoken a joint, whether its alone or with friends is just away to forget your problems and dream the day away. You must find out what makes your partner sad. You must also ask yourself if you are ignoring him in an way . Example love and affection. Some women will give there kids all the attention and forget about there husbands needs. Your husband has not realized yet what he is doing is wrong and some people do not realize till its to late. Take a picture of him stoned and put it on the refrigerator and make him realize this is what he looks like when he is stupid.Find out what he is missing in his life but dont make him angry at you .Show him you care

pizzalady
01-14-2006, 03:47 PM
His problems started out long before I met him, and stem from his teenage years and have nothing to do with me. He knows that I love him and does not question that and says that I do not neglect him in any way. His main problem is that he used the pot to self medicate and it became an addiction. As far as work goes, well his dad was also a workaholic and my H was a workaholic before I met him but when we got our own business it got worse. I have tried to talk to him many, many times and he doesnt want to talk about anything and denies he has any problems. He is very passive agressive too. Says nothing is wrong but you can clearly see that there is. I know he is depressed, it is obvious but he will not admit that either.

I dont know about the picture on the fridge, we have kids. It's bad enough they see him that way every day they dont need to have it in their face on the fridge. But I understand where you are coming from and thank you for the suggestion.

I have come to the conclusion that until he realizes he has a problem and wants help he is only going to get worse and remain in denial until he loses everything. I guess the real question is do I want to stick around and hope he wakes up from the pot fog one day or do I go out an get a life. I'd rather have my husband back..the one I married, not who he has become. Yes, he had problems before we got married but nothing like he does now. We have been together for 20 years (16 married) and it has only been the last 6 that the problems got worse and the addictions took over after the accident he had. That is why it's so hard to just let go. If things had always been bad then what would be the point, but things were good for a long time and I just want that back. I miss him so much.

sal946
01-14-2006, 04:25 PM
Hey, Lizzie:

I just joined today 1/14 and it really is a wonderful support system here, so read, and pay attention as no one here is going to pass judgement or think anything about you for making some difficult choices that your going to have to make. You are only responsible for you and your children, and just remember that. I would just take my children and myself, and my business and go, because if the police do come, they take the house, the kids, and you off to jail. It is not worth any of that, and he is not worth that. Take your children and go, first and foremost is to protect them as they can not. If he has told you that he has little feelings for any of you, then you need to go. I know this probably is hard to hear, and you would rather have that wonderful husband back that you married, but I don't think that is going to happen. Let us know how your doing, and keep your children close to your heart, and hug them often as this is going to be hard on them to. Peace Sally :wave:

sal946
01-14-2006, 04:28 PM
Not to quote Dr. Phil, but Your husband is not owning anything, and what Dr. Phil says is " You can't change what you don't acknowledge" how true is that. So if he does not want to own it, then you only have one thing to do.
Peace :wave:

pizzalady
01-14-2006, 09:37 PM
So far almost everyone I have asked tells me that I am fighting a battle that cannot be won. I wish I could just let go. But I dont know how to do that. I know it is unrealistic to think that things will ever go back to the way they were, that he will ever be who he was. And to tell you the truth, even if he did stop, too much damage may have already been done. I dont think that I ever wanted to believe that or admit it, but I am starting to see that it may be true.

everstar
01-16-2006, 05:34 AM
Good Evening from Australia,

Just wanted to share my thoughts.

A little bit about my experience.... My parents always told me to say no to drugs but as you have it, I didn't listen. I first tried it twice while at school and didn't do it properly so didn't continue, as I didn't see the point of it.

It wasn't until I was 21 that I smoked it properly. I used it as a party drug and it was great, it made me feel really good and no wonder why I continued. What started as a weekend thing turned into a weekday thing, just going for drives and listening to music and getting high. At this point I didn't see my problem and was still having fun on it and we always told ourselves that we weren’t addicted; we were just using it for recreation. How wrong we were!!!

From there it went downhill, I started unknowingly becoming depressed just not enjoying life, doing things differently, becoming a tad more aggressive, I was never wrong and I became angry. I was angry at everything, angry at the smallest little things.

The worst bit was that I wasn't enjoying it anymore, every single time I got stoned it brought out my depression more. I was so bummed out and would even cry over it. The problem was that I was surrounded by it, at where I am living with one of my room mates still smoking and with my friends.

I wanted to stop, but when it came round to it I just couldn't say no. I just had the urge and really wanted it and couldn't stop myself. I WAS ADDICTED!!!!

It wasn't until April 2005, that I said to myself that I would stop. I would slow down and then get back on it again but it wasn't till 2 months ago that i really started slowing down on my intake but i would slip up after a week or so. I think that was the saddest thing, I was cheating myself out of my own life.

It has been about 3 weeks since my last smoke, but it feels like months and I know it isn't much but I am actually so confident that I have now stopped. I really can't go back to what I had become and to think it has taken from April 2005 to now, shows it can be difficult. I am taking it a month at a time and looking back at what differences it has made and my Goal is to have a marijuna free 2006 and beyond.

What has Marijuana done for me?
I have wasted a lot of the last 2 years of my life (I don't dwell on that at all, I have done what I have done and I still enjoyed life just not to its fullest)
I lost a lot of motivation and confidence (I was a very confident person and am already getting that back, which is a relief).
My relationship suffered and my girlfriend has put up with a lot of it and has also suffered. (This hurts me still and will for a very long time, but I owe my life to her and hope that one day I can repay her for that. She opened my eyes)

All in all, it is addictive and it's not worth it. To those who disagree, everyone has their own opinion but you wouldn't be at this website unless something was clicking.

If you are thinking about starting, just say no and don't even try it.
If you have started already, that fun won't last for long.
Remember your past is just a memory. You have plenty ahead of you and there is so much to do out there, you just have to find it.

Sorry to babble on, I just really needed to let that out and hope that it may be of some use to you.

To the author of this thread, I personally think you really need to think what is best for you and your kids.

What do you want to do?

I love to look at the stars and at nature and at life in general, at people walking, talking, eating, thinking and whatever humans do and I think how much is out therefore for us to do and enjoy. I am just getting excited about it now.

Don't get stuck in your comfort zone, its never too late.

Just something for you to think about but follow what you really want and need in life.

Hope this helps somebody out there, it has helped me.

Thank You

VeryTired
01-16-2006, 04:00 PM
Yes, your post did help someone. It helped me.

Nothing new in there I haven't experienced myself, but it always feels good to see someone else has walked in one's shoes. I had 15 days off it, but then scored some Sat night and then again Sunday. Feeling pretty sad right now, knowing I can't get any tonight, but also it's just a reminder of what a worthy foe the herb is.

I smoked about an eighth over 12 hours sat night/sun morning. i am still not exactly sure why this stuff has such a hold on me. i didn't do much of anything except eat and buy some minor items on the internet.

Meg82
01-18-2006, 12:03 PM
My strong opinion: Leave! Leave your husband before YOU become addicted to the dysfunction that is your relationship!

I was with a pot head for 2 long years. It was awful, absolutely awful. I thought for the longest time that I could influence him, that our relationship could influence him, that I could help or support him or make him change, boy was I wrong! My family banned him from our house, my friends left me b/c I was with a loser and they refused to support that, he dropped out of college 3 times and couldn't hold a job for longer than a couple of weeks, and the only jobs he held were laid back ones where he could smoke at work, ie pizza delivery driver. he smoked constantly, from the early morning into the night, on holidays, all of the time, and if he didn't have it he was moody and had very little patience. i lost track of who he was as a person, i knew that the weed had made him someone else, for sure he wouldn't be acting like he did if he was sober, but i actually had no idea what he would be like w/o the weed b/c it had been so long that he had been smoking all day every day. i became addicted to our relationship even though it was dysfunctional. i wanted to be with him all of the time and would sacrifice friends, family, even work to be with him even though he clearly wasn't good for me and i deserved a lot better. it was too hard to leave. no one could influence me to leave him, no one, just like no one could influence him to stop smoking.

i started going to alanon meetings. my dad was in AA recovering from alcoholism and i went to alanon to understand why i was attracted to addicts like this guy. this really helped me and i just loved talking to people who could relate. still, alanon never could have made me want to leave him, it had to be some sort of personal rock bottom when i coldn't take any more, and no one thought that would ever happen but it did.

the sad thing is is that his parents supported his habit. he was bi polar and had depression issues, and they seemed to give him money and enable him so as not to have to deal with the reality of his problems. they bought him a house, a car, they paid for college time and time again, not learning that he never went to class, his relatives brought pot to him for the holidays from amsterdam, his home town, and it was just awful in general, the way that they enabled him. i got sick of all of my gifts being bought with his parents money b/c he was such a pot head loser. i got so sick of hearing "well at least i don't do crack", or "this is better than drinking, when people drink they kill each other and when people smoke pot they laugh and munch on snacks". i got so sick. still, it wasn't enough. my sick mind felt that i "couldn't live without him" - what a nut i was!

we went to narcotics anonymous once and on the wayhome he was telling me "ooh i feel chills that was so amazing" and i was really excited but he went right back to smoking pot.

things continued, including huge episodes when we were on trips and he would run out of pot in another state after sneaking it on the plane (which really upset me). huge bi-polar breakdowns at x-mas and other times that were supposed to be happy, but weren't. finally, what made me leave him was something somewhat unrelated to the pot (though it is related just not directly), but i am SO GLAD that i finally left this loser. i found out that he was cheating on me with other girls and had been for quite some time. it was easy for me to pick up and leave after i had caught him cheating. i left without the usual "please come back" phone calls and all of that jazz. i quit him cold turkey and he tried for MONTHS to get me back. i feel so wonderful today, having been with an addict for so long i will never go back. i am with the love of my life now and he is sober and we share the same morals and beliefs when it comes to drugs, which is at the tp of my list b/c of what i've been through.

also, just to mention that my 1/2 brother and his sister are extreme pot heads and they have used all of their money form FEMA and red cross to buy pot (they were involved in hurricane katrina) -- so you know that your tax dollars are going to help them get high. it is a sick addiciton! and if they don't buy pot with their much needed funds, they buy treats and big screen TV's and stuff like that b/c the pot has maade their minds like little kids, they are plain dumb now, and they are in their 30's.

thanks for listening - get out now, and begin a new life, sober and free. it's better for your kids

pizzalady
01-18-2006, 08:29 PM
Everstar,

Thank you for your honesty. Pot does make one depressed and you get to a point where you need more and more just to feel "normal", not even to get high, that takes even more! That's where my H is. He uses all those excuses "at least I dont do coke or crack, or herion". He cant say that he doesnt drink because he does that too. I hope otehr will read what we have all written and either not start or make the chocie to stop! I am gald that you made that choice. Good for you!


Meg,

I see the dysfunction. I want out! He holds all the cards...everything is in his name. I started seeing a drug addiction counselor who has a degree in psychology. Tomorrow I go for my second appointment. He says he will help me every step of the way. I pray this works for me and the children before it is too late for them.

Thank you all....

Sandson
01-19-2006, 03:12 AM
This post has been very informative. Eventhough my situation is considerably different, it has shed some light on things and allowed me to reflect on how to deal with whats going on . Thank you all. :angel:

Meg82
01-19-2006, 10:16 AM
Everstar,

Thank you for your honesty. Pot does make one depressed and you get to a point where you need more and more just to feel "normal", not even to get high, that takes even more! That's where my H is. He uses all those excuses "at least I dont do coke or crack, or herion". He cant say that he doesnt drink because he does that too. I hope otehr will read what we have all written and either not start or make the chocie to stop! I am gald that you made that choice. Good for you!


Meg,

I see the dysfunction. I want out! He holds all the cards...everything is in his name. I started seeing a drug addiction counselor who has a degree in psychology. Tomorrow I go for my second appointment. He says he will help me every step of the way. I pray this works for me and the children before it is too late for them.

Thank you all....
Good for you, at least you have come to terms with the situation and you're seeking help in a counselor. I don't know if it's "your thing" but I would really suggest dropping in on an alanon meeting in your neigborhood. I loved it because though people think that it is only for family members of alcoholics, there are people there that have dealt with many other types of addiction, and truly, no matter the substance abused, it is all relevant because it is the principle of addiction and dependency, not which drug it is per se.
Anyway, I looooved alanon, you can sit and listen, or talk, and meet new friends and no one preaches or makes you feel crappy because they are all going through the same type of thing. It is a wonderful and therapeutic free resourse and I recommend it all that I can. Good luck!!!!
Meg

Sandson
01-19-2006, 02:51 PM
Good for you, at least you have come to terms with the situation and you're seeking help in a counselor. I don't know if it's "your thing" but I would really suggest dropping in on an alanon meeting in your neigborhood. I loved it because though people think that it is only for family members of alcoholics, there are people there that have dealt with many other types of addiction, and truly, no matter the substance abused, it is all relevant because it is the principle of addiction and dependency, not which drug it is per se.
Anyway, I looooved alanon, you can sit and listen, or talk, and meet new friends and no one preaches or makes you feel crappy because they are all going through the same type of thing. It is a wonderful and therapeutic free resourse and I recommend it all that I can. Good luck!!!!
Meg
:wave: You're right the key is coming to terms of what's going around you. I'm currently going through a situation with someone whom I was involved and his use of marijuana (although started medically related) has escalated to addiction and our relationship has suffered as a result. Again, I have to thank you all for be forthcoming and helping understand the nature of his condition and how to deal with it. :angel:

systemofadown
01-19-2006, 03:18 PM
Although I do not have any of these related problems that you people are mentioning, it is definitely giving me a heads up on what to look out for in the future when I do decide to get married.. I am a male, and I use to do all that bad stuff when I was younger but will never go back.. I have way to many goals ahead in my life and would like a wife that will remain sober along with me. I do drink on the weekends but if it interrupts with something that I am doing I won't drink..
Anyways everyone hold your head up and I really hope that everything turns out for the better.
=Ryan

Sandson
01-19-2006, 11:37 PM
So far almost everyone I have asked tells me that I am fighting a battle that cannot be won. I wish I could just let go. But I dont know how to do that. I know it is unrealistic to think that things will ever go back to the way they were, that he will ever be who he was. And to tell you the truth, even if he did stop, too much damage may have already been done. I dont think that I ever wanted to believe that or admit it, but I am starting to see that it may be true.
Hmmm. This sounds so familiar in my situation. What's really a tragedy in my case is that our communication has broken down so it's like we're sending smoke signals no pun intended :jester: :blob_fire . Since the onset of his addiction , our long distance relationship has went from a good start to a disaster. We don't even talk regularly on the net or on the phone much anymore. This is shame b/c we had some much in common and had planned future with each other.

But despite this empasse, I'm still willing to work it out. And most have told me that you are putting alot on yourself. They don't realize that I still have feelings for him. But, I am aware you can't help nobody who dosen't what to be helped and I will have to open my eyes to the truth eventually.

pizzalady
01-20-2006, 07:37 AM
Sandson,

Still having feelings for some one doesnt mean that those feelings are exactly as they were before the addiction. YEs, I still very much love my H. But it is not the same love as I felt before the addiction. He has lied and cheated on me. And as my counselor points out, the continued drug use and workaholism are still forms of cheating. The only relationships my H is interested in, or should I say put forth any effort towards are his addictions. If I did not put my all into the marriage there would be no marriage. A marriage as one sided as that is not going to survive no matter much love I have for my H. And since he cheated my feeling have really changed, even though I still love him. I do not trust him as long as he is doing the drugs. And he will never be teh same person he was before the addiction, and neither will I. The addiction has not only changed our relationship is has changed who we are as individuals. He has done so many horrible things and shows no remorse. How can things ever be the same? The answer is they cant because we cannot change the past. Yes, we can forgive, but we will never forget. The pain will always be there. We can move forward and maybe certain feelings will return in time, but I have no way of knowing if they will. Am I still willing to take that chance with my heart and my life...I dont know. I am no longer that naieve! My heart is guarded and with good reason. If he stopped his addictions maybe he will not feel the same way towards me either. Maybe he will feel he has done too much damage to even attempt to repair it. Since he took the easy way out (as he saw it) and chose to turn to drugs instead of me in the first place, why would he now choose the harder road and try to fix things even if he stopped doing drugs? It seems to me he is always looking for what he feels is teh easy way out. It is easier for someone liek him to just start over than to fix what he's damaged. Some people just arent willing to do the work. I have been working my behind off keeping this marriage together but I am running out of steam. I do not have an endless supply of energy or love without getting any in return. When we give love and recieve love it is replenished. But when you give and give, and none is returned, it eventually runs out. It of course took years and years to happen, and I am not totally running on empty, but I am close. I hope this make some sense.

cookiepls
01-20-2006, 09:31 AM
What's wrong with smoking pot? It's not addictive, and it doesn't hurt anyone.

It took my once intelligent, outgoing sister away from me. Now she acts like the proverbial red-neck.
It took my loving and sweet brother-in-law and turned him into a rude, self-centered, loser.
Neither one of them care about anyone or anything more than pot.
All their friends are pot smokers. Not one sober friend in the whole bunch.
All of them act and look like the people you might see on an episode of "Cops".
My sister used to take care of herself. Now she literally wears rags and doesn't shower for days.
They all fight with each other over who got to smoke more than the other.
All 3 of her daughters are grown now, all pot smokers. One spent 17 years in prison for armed robbery.
The oldest now does any drug or pill she can get her hands on. Hates everyone with a passion.
Tell them never to bring pot into your car and they'll fire one up in the back seat thinking that you won't know.
Tell them to keep it out of your house, and you'll be smelling it from the bathroom.
Warn them if they're ever busted, they could lose their children, and they'll still light up.
Suggest they get clean for 1 month for their drug test, in order to get the promotion, and they can't.
Dont' have any weed to share? Forget it. They won't be interested in you.
Tell them they seem to be addicted, and they'll tell you they can quit whenever they want, but just don't want to right now.

I'm describing people who used to be very normal. This change happened over the course of maybe 17-18 years. My brother-in-law was excited to become an electrician and eventually earn his Journyman's license, but he can't move forward because he can't pass the drug screen. My sister and I used to have long conversations about anything, now she just sounds stoned all the time and doesn't make much sense when she talks. I miss my sister so much. I want her back, but I wonder if it's ever going to happen. I still have my mother and my brother, but I want the rest of my family back. It makes me so sick and hurts so much.

PizzaLady,
I'm sorry this is so long but you hit a chord in me with your posts. My heart aches for you. After reading all your posts, I can barely see the screen as I'm typing. I know how bad it hurts. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this heartache every day. It's not fair to you or to your children. You have a husband on paper, but you're alone. The kids have a dad on paper, but they really don't have a dad at all. You are a heck of a woman to have dealt with this for so long, and you're doing the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Being around addictive personalities is bad enough, but living with one would be pure hell. Your strength of character my one day influence him. Once you get your self-esteem back, you'll be better able to make a decision on your next move. I don't know if losing his wife or family would be a wake up call for him, but something has to eventually reach that smoke-fogged brain. I'm sorry, I'm crying so hard now I can't type anymore.