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View Full Version : dealing with CP (commitment phobia) with your partner/ex


akajessie
01-18-2006, 07:27 AM
ever heard of CP? people have suggested it to me in regards to things going on with my ex g/f (the push pull, i love you go away, get close and run...). but i never really understood what was going on till i bought the highly recommended book "he's scared she's scared" (by steven carter and julia sokol). i swear the book was pretty much written from mine and my ex's relationship!

anyway, i thought i would start this thread so that those of us experiencing the emotional rollercoaster/pain/confusion +++ that this type of relationship causes - as a place of support, venting, advise or what not.

in my situation, my ex g/f and i would get close. then she would run...we'ld get close again, then she would run (she says she was afraid of all the feelings she felt with me and i was the only one who could make her feel and that scared the heck out of her)....each time we'd "get back together" and the closer we got, she would run again.

this last time we got really close over new years - i'm thinking it must have really freaked her out - plus me moving to same town soon...i say it freaked her out becase of CP and she created such a situation that basically forced me to end the relationship (basically accused me of cheating which i was NOT doing)...to quote from the book "your partner's behavior provoked you to end the relationship" and THAT WAS SO TRUE. and as usual, she want's no contact with me (typical pattern of hers) and i haven't heard from her for over a week (another typical pattern)....

and it hurts and it's confusing cuz i got blamed for doing something i didn't do and would never do to her because i loved her so much,...and knowing that these accusations were to just push me away again WAY FAR AWAY - and that hurts too!

please share your stories, advice, support, what not.....

<<<HUGS>>>>

galinaqt
01-18-2006, 07:30 AM
Best advice is to find another gf wihout CP.

SophiaM
01-18-2006, 05:16 PM
It's going to be a complete rollercoaster if you choose to stay on it. I'm sorry but commitmentphobia is almost impossible to "cure." These people, apparently the majority of whom are men but nowadays a growing number of women join the masses, are just incapable of loving someone in a true sense and being close to them. The best you could do is to find another woman. Not something you want to hear, I'm sure. Although, in case of a woman, there is a slightly higher possibility the she might overcome her commitmentphobia once her biological clock starts ticking loud. I wouldn't bet on it, though.

Ruby13
01-19-2006, 10:56 AM
I never really thought of that pattern as commitment phobia, but as a way to keep control over a relationship. When I was with a guy like that, he would push me away and then when I started taking the hint, would pursue me with all his charm and charisma. It worked very well for keeping me around for a while. If he was really commitment phobic, I'm guessing he would have just let me go when he pushed me away. I think in his case, he just didn't want to risk being the person who got dumped.

I finally ended it with him 2-3 years ago and have seen him engage in the same pattern with a few more women since then (we go to the same gym so I get to see him in action). He still occasionally calls and tries to fish for whether I might bite, but I couldn't be less interested at this point. I'd find someone without these problems.

GypsyArcher
01-19-2006, 02:41 PM
Real relationships are not supposed to be about drama and theatrics. It's possible your ex-girlfriend is just very young and has no idea what she really wants out of life yet, and is afraid of having to be tied down to any one person, place, or thing. And I agree with Ruby that is sounds like a control thing, too. She likes knowing that no matter what she does or how many times she leaves you in the dust, you will still be there waiting eagerly for her return. You don't deserve to be put through that.

i'm thinking it must have really freaked her out - plus me moving to same town soon...i say it freaked her out becase of CP and she created such a situation that basically forced me to end the relationship (basically accused me of cheating which i was NOT doing)...to quote from the book "your partner's behavior provoked you to end the relationship" and THAT WAS SO TRUE. and as usual, she want's no contact with me (typical pattern of hers) and i haven't heard from her for over a week (another typical pattern)....

That really raised my suspicions. So you live a somewhat considerable distance from her, and when she finds out you are moving to her town she freaks and causing the relationship to end? Hmmmm...is it possible she has another boyfriend, or some other kind of secrets going on, and she knows when you live in the same town as her it won't be so easy for her to keep up her double life? Maybe when she accused you of cheating she was just projecting. Either way, it seems like you are wasting a lot of energy on this thing, when it is obvious what the outcome always is. It may all seem kind of addicting...but it is probably doing you a lot of harm.

akajessie
01-19-2006, 03:21 PM
thank you for all of your responses, opinions, advice, etc.

projection? could be...it is yet another angle to look at - and thanks for bringing that to attention....

as for the outcome, yes - it is most likely known but am still dealing with the hurts/pains/frustrations/confusion that all of this has caused regardless of projection/cp/or what ever.

i am currently "processing" all this in addition to starting new job, relocating to new town (and losing house cuz of job loss back in november), never mind having to put my oldest dog down - never mind THIS too...so please forgive me if i am a bit non-responsive rite at this moment but did want to take time to say thanks!

oh, to respond the age...she is 36 (and i am 39) not that that matters, nor does it matter that she has 2 adoptive kids that she is help rearing (her ex as primary custody of kids and lives with ex - ex was a 12 year relationship)...tho sometimes i have thought her actions have been a bit immature, like stuck in that "20's" phase...anyway...thanks again!

as always <<<hugs>>>

vintagegirl
01-19-2006, 07:37 PM
I'm really sorry about your dog and sorry that this is a tough time for you. I dated a CP once and it was awful. I was always trying to calculate when to bring up certain things because I didn't want to freak him out. Needless to say, it was a no-win situation. In the end, I told him that by keeping everyone at arm's length, he was cheating himself. She is doing the same. Try to move on and find someone who isn't so self centered. Life is too short!! :angel: