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lifeisbeautiful
02-11-2007, 10:06 PM
hi all.

Me and my boyfriend are both 20 years old and in a nine month long relationship. We love each other very much and have a great time together and support each other...except for a few times where he gets really drunk and things get really bad.

The first time I ever saw him get this way was this summer when he fought another boy at my house...he was so crazy and uncontrollable that I had to drive everyone away from the house to get away from him because there was no controlling him. But afterward he apologized and said he would never drink that much again and that it wouldnt happen again and things would be fine so we built the relaitonship back up and i forgave him.

The second time was early in the fall when i was at college he came up and got really drunk...he went to another party while i did some school work and i got upset that he just wandered on my campus and found a party while i was in my room and that he didnt want to be with me. I wasn't mad just i didn't understand and when i tried to tell him to please come back he flipped out on me and told me i was selfish, that he didnt want to be with me, that i was a horrible person, and other choice words i cannot write on here blah blah blah. And then the next morning he apologized and said it wouldnt happen again and i forgave him....

Three more times before november he got really drunk and got really depressed and angry...not necessarily at me....but said he hated himself and that he wanted to die and all this stuff and wouldnt let me touch him or comfort him.

In december, we were at a freinds house party and he got angry that i was supposedly "flirting" with an ex-bf and started pounding hard alcohol. He called me a series of horrible swear words and told everyone at the party they could do whatever they want with me sexually b/c he didnt care. it was horrible. he also took the necklace he bought me for my birthday away from me and said i didnt deserve it. he was so scary.

we talked about it that time and decided that that was the last time he would do something like that nad he needed help. he went to therapy and has been working on it. but this weekend he flipped out on me again and told me he didnt want to be with me b/c i was selfish and lots of other hurtful things.

i dont know wat to do. i dont know when the last straw is. when he gets like that i dont KNOW him. he turns into another person but the rest of the time he is an awesom human being that i love and i just dont know wat is wrong with him....he isnt an alcoholic b/c he doenst drinkt hat often...and it doesnt even happen everytime he drinks...just when he drinks to excess i guess?

So my question is...i'm really at a loss of wat to do. I love him. And i know that isnt him when he is lieks that. he is so so so sorry but then why does it keep hapening? should he not drink every again? or do u think if he just watches how much he drinks it wil be okay? im so confused about what i should expect him to do or what i should tell him about how i feel. b/c i still hurt a lot. and i dont know wat i should do b/c he feels so bad and i dont want to make him feel any worse but i just feel really bad cuz the things he says are hurtful and i dont do anything wrong.

any advice?

kelly

river525
02-11-2007, 10:43 PM
I know you are probably not wanting to hear this --- but my advice is to get out and move on. You are young and if his behavior is already exhibiting this way -- I can speak from experience it will only escalate or become more frequent and whose to say he won't hit you one day? He is already verbally abusing you when he is drinking.

I'm glad he has agreed to therapy that's a step in the right direction but it sounds like he does not need to drink at all. I'm sure he is a sweet guy but they all are and they all apologize but you need to take care of yourself and quit worrying about the next time he does this b/c it obviously ruins your day/night - isn't that getting old?

Take care of yourself and get out there and have fun -- you are young and I promise there are great guys out there who won't talk down to you or beat the you know what out of people.

shawley
02-12-2007, 07:49 AM
I know you hurt because you love him and all, but the relationship seem's to be sour to me. I loved my partying to and a new girl every night , and had a girlfriend , I know I was a jerk because the love of my life is 100's of miles away from me , I think we were soul mates , so now I'll have to wait till my life is over and meet her on the other side. I'm married and been for 18 years and love my wife dearly , but my heart belongs to another woman that still carries a heavy wieght over my heart. Get away from him expecially if he's hitting you.
You need to focus on your schooling :) hi all.

Me and my boyfriend are both 20 years old and in a nine month long relationship. We love each other very much and have a great time together and support each other...except for a few times where he gets really drunk and things get really bad.

The first time I ever saw him get this way was this summer when he fought another boy at my house...he was so crazy and uncontrollable that I had to drive everyone away from the house to get away from him because there was no controlling him. But afterward he apologized and said he would never drink that much again and that it wouldnt happen again and things would be fine so we built the relaitonship back up and i forgave him.

The second time was early in the fall when i was at college he came up and got really drunk...he went to another party while i did some school work and i got upset that he just wandered on my campus and found a party while i was in my room and that he didnt want to be with me. I wasn't mad just i didn't understand and when i tried to tell him to please come back he flipped out on me and told me i was selfish, that he didnt want to be with me, that i was a horrible person, and other choice words i cannot write on here blah blah blah. And then the next morning he apologized and said it wouldnt happen again and i forgave him....

Three more times before november he got really drunk and got really depressed and angry...not necessarily at me....but said he hated himself and that he wanted to die and all this stuff and wouldnt let me touch him or comfort him.

In december, we were at a freinds house party and he got angry that i was supposedly "flirting" with an ex-bf and started pounding hard alcohol. He called me a series of horrible swear words and told everyone at the party they could do whatever they want with me sexually b/c he didnt care. it was horrible. he also took the necklace he bought me for my birthday away from me and said i didnt deserve it. he was so scary.

we talked about it that time and decided that that was the last time he would do something like that nad he needed help. he went to therapy and has been working on it. but this weekend he flipped out on me again and told me he didnt want to be with me b/c i was selfish and lots of other hurtful things.

i dont know wat to do. i dont know when the last straw is. when he gets like that i dont KNOW him. he turns into another person but the rest of the time he is an awesom human being that i love and i just dont know wat is wrong with him....he isnt an alcoholic b/c he doenst drinkt hat often...and it doesnt even happen everytime he drinks...just when he drinks to excess i guess?

So my question is...i'm really at a loss of wat to do. I love him. And i know that isnt him when he is lieks that. he is so so so sorry but then why does it keep hapening? should he not drink every again? or do u think if he just watches how much he drinks it wil be okay? im so confused about what i should expect him to do or what i should tell him about how i feel. b/c i still hurt a lot. and i dont know wat i should do b/c he feels so bad and i dont want to make him feel any worse but i just feel really bad cuz the things he says are hurtful and i dont do anything wrong.

any advice?

kelly

HIM
02-12-2007, 11:08 AM
This sounds very close to an alcoholic. There is no controlling how much he drinks because he will keep saying he is ok, and before you know it he goes off on a rage again. I had a boyfriend that was an alcoholic and would drink every day. At least once a week (or sometimes more) he would black out and be completely out of control. He would either want to fight with someone, or yell at me, he would make things up and then yell at me about them even though they never really happened. it was just so horrible and hard. eventually i had to just end it. he tried getting help. he tried quitting, regulating drinking... AA, rehab, nothing helped him. the best thing for YOU is to get away. (after i left him, he tried rehab and AA again, and he was sober for about a year...then one night i had a message from him on my cell phone, and could hear it in his voice that he had been drinking. i haven't heard from or about him since :( ) it's quite sad...but your situation sounds like it might be a bigger problem than you think. he definitely needs some help before it gets worse.

Dantheinsane
02-12-2007, 11:15 AM
What do violent, jealous drunks, become later? More violent and more jealous drunks. I wonder if that means that is a recipe to die from? Neither are healthy for the average person, much less the wife, spouse or child of the drunk.

Do sober alcoholoics with 30 years of sobriety ever swear off alcohol? Not any that I know of! I am clean and sober for 16 years and I still take it one day at a time. Hopefully, I will stay clean and sober just for today too, that is all AA has ever promised me. Therefore if you are swearing off of alcohol to save a persons life the odds are against you.

Would I trust my life on the promised sobriety of a drunk, because he isn't sober yet? No, absolutly not....later there may be children involved.

Are you going to listen to me? No I am sure you wont. You haven't listened to others who have talked to you during these dreadful fights.

shawley
02-12-2007, 11:16 AM
Funny thing is , if I drink whiskey all the guys better not say the wrong thing . Beer all the woman better stay away , beer makes me a lover :D

BiggerMac
02-13-2007, 08:45 AM
You Are In A Classic Abusive Relatioship. It Will Almost Certainly Get Worse Unless You And He Both Get Good Counseling. Even Then The Odds Are Against You So You Should Begin Now To Prepare Yourself Emotionally For A Breakup. Sorry About That.

rosequartz
02-13-2007, 08:47 AM
do a little research on borderline personality disorder.....
addictions/abuse/anger are symptom....not the problem