View Full Version : New boyfriend herion addict

03-01-2007, 10:32 AM
I want to make this work but I am aware that if he doesn't want to really quit that it will not work and it is not in my control. My new boyfriend just got out of inpatient treatment for a herion addictin. I have control of his Xanax and give them to him only as prescribed. He got out two weeks ago and has been doing well. Today he told me honestly that he took a vicoden. Not for pain but I think because he was stressed out. My ex boyfriend was coming up to my work to pick up money I owed him and I think he got pver excited. I handled the situation and my ex is never going to interfer in the future or cause any problems.

So what do I do now? Do I say something about the vicoden? It's an opiate so will he relapse onto heroin?

I used to be an addictive type person but not in the respect of drugs. I would cut myself. I always get the urges when I am under too much stress but I always am able to calm myself down and I haven't done it in over 10 years. I only think about it now a few times a year and it passes. But since I've been with him I have been more inclined to think about it. That bothers me. I use it to dull my emotions and bottle them insode. My boyfriend tells me that this is characteristic of drug addicts and that I am lucky that I never fell into any drugs that I liked. I've been around and said no to just about everything in my life. I always wanted to be in control. I guess that's where the cutting comes in. I gain control of my emotions by focusing on physical pain.

I am afraid that my new boyfriend is going to relapse if he can't say no to vicoden. I know it's his journey and his decision but should I say something to him? I can't stay if he wants to keep getting high, it will only destroy us and me. Also, how can I make sure I avoid falling into bad patterns or substituting drugs instead of cutting. I'm afarid of him losing it and pulling me down too either back into cutting or into drugs to cope with his drug use and to make what he's doing ok.

This scares me because I think it's his first step towards getting a pack of dope and injecting it. What am I getting into? He told me the truth so should I trust him? Any advice?

Im a mess
03-01-2007, 03:08 PM
JKITTY: I just had to respond to this post. Girl, I dont know, if you know ,what your getting into with this guy. You already said, he really doesnt want to quit.. I was addicted to Heroin in the 70's, and believe me, you dont want to go there. Its an addiction that will hit sooo fast,and you wont see it comin...

The simple act ,of him taking the Vicodin, shows me he isnt serious. He must have been put on some thing to ween him off the addiction, and the mere thought of putting some other addictive drug in his mouth is nuts.. You didnt say how long he had been addicted, or how long you have been together with him.. It is sooooo easy to say to your self, oh, Ill just try it once, and then your goneeeeeeeee.. Please, read the different stories here about Vicodin addiction, its just a replacement for the Heroin, similar feelings as the Vic...

If I was your best friend, I would tell you to RUN, not walk away from this guy, if he messes up at all. Its very lonely sitting in a hot bathroom, looking your self in the mirror, as you stick the needle in your arm, its ugly. The self hatred that can come with this type of drug use is horrible. I had to kick three times before I got the message,I hope he succeeds, and he doesnt bring you down with him.

I am sorry I have made this such a down post, but I am afraid for you. Your gonna have to be tuff with your self and him. Id get rid of the Vicodin too. Just a suggestion, cuz it could be the next thing he has to kick...

Ill be prayin for you two, and I wish you so much luck also.

IM A MESS (Patti)

03-02-2007, 09:33 AM
Thank you Patti.

I know I would tell my best friend to run too.

He is not on methadone. He quit cold turkey because he went to jail for 7 months. He was in jail for 4 months previous for stealing to support his habit and I started seeing him when he got out. He was out two weeks before he went back in for the latest 7 month period. After that he was in a 49 day treatment center where he decided that he wanted to turn his life around. I was writing him to keep him positive and be a clean friend and support system.

He's been out two weeks from there and he moved in with me because his family all uses. His mom, dad, brother etc... so he needed a clean environment or he would have relapsed.

So I know that we shouldn't be dating. He's not supposed to get serious with anyone for 6 months to a year but in these circumstances I wanted to be there for him. We go to church and as long as I keep him busy he says that he doesn't get the urge to use. He used to hide it and do it alone.

I think he's using sex as a substitute and he's drinking here and there but not excessively and not to the point that he is drunk. I am still controling his Xanex, but he took that vicoden from his mom because she was dope sick and he bought her some pills to get through.

I've been around all this junk before and never caved in to taking drugs. I think I just need to talk about my concerns here on this board so that I don't turn to them in desperation. It seems like everyone in my life has gotten high but me. I don't have a fantastic life for it. I stress out about bills and going to work and being responsible more than they do. They don't care, they've given up. Sometimes I feel like the only one that still pushes myself to go to work, pay my bills and be responsible. I wish I was the one that got a break. It's not easy for me and I am still behind on bills paying cash advances. My friends think that I have everything together but I do it all on my own and it's stressful.

I am just hoping that this need for a break doesn't lead me into what "everyone else" does. I know that I am weak right now and I don't want to become powerless to an addiction. So thanks for being there. I desperately needed to talk and get that out. I need to remember why I don't want to take that road and why I've come this far without doing it. I am 29 by the way and I've been around this stuff ever since I could drive. I've partied with the hardcore users and just drank my problems away thinking I had control. Now I don't have a drinking problem anymore, but I am not a happy, fun person. I choose to not let this guy ruin my life. If he doesn't want to quit than I can't help him. I don't want heroin in my life especially if I'm not the one who gets to get high. I need to remember my boundaries and think with my head and not my heart when the time comes. Because there is more of a possibility that he will relapse than the possiblitly that he will stay clean. He has to want it and he has to fight it.

I know I've gotten into a situation that I can't control. Thanks for the support and for listening. I am going to continue to be there for my boyfriend until he decides to no longer work on himself. I can't do it for him.

Kind Regards,


Im a mess
03-02-2007, 06:57 PM
JENN: You said it all. You MUST think with your head and not your heart. I wont preach to you anymore, cuz I think I did enough of that. I was just so afraid for you. I am gonna assume you werent living with a heroin addict before when you didnt try it. When you are living with one, it is ALOT different, so be careful. Lots of care and concern, coming your way........... IM A MESS PS. Ill be here if you need someone to talk to.

03-02-2007, 08:06 PM
i would suggest years of rehab my son was in rehab for two years for heroin addiction and now is in the navy with a family of his own and does not touch it at ll or any opiates
he needs to be in rehab and on naltraxone that will make him deathly sick if he drinks or takes any opiates what so ever. he needs help and now.

03-03-2007, 09:48 PM
Hi jkitty
Good that you have been around and know the ropes. Your boyfriend is on dangerous grounds, you are too by association. The vic pill might lead him further into more as you know. You must protect yourself from cutting and using. You have a lot of responsibilites that are causing you stress, I think you need to learn how to cope with the stressors in your life so you don't go off the deep end down the road. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor or addiction doctor to set you up with new networks.

You mentioned the only thing you have control over is the zanex you give him, you have control over a lot of other things too, for instance you have control over the choices you make that are linked with faith and beleif in yourself. you have choices with trust issues, what choices you make will nurture you

Like they say - relationships are hard work, but if he is planning or wanting to use then I suggest to take a 6 month break from him, that is sad about his family. You are not responsible for his recovery as you know, you are not responsible to provide for him in an unsafe matter, you are responsible for yourself and just what you will do to stay clean, as you know that one too.

Keep the faith
Hold onto the trust with all your might and make a decision and boundary to protect yourself.
take care

Im a mess
03-03-2007, 11:14 PM
JKITTY: Hi there, just wanted to check in with you. I always get on here so darn late, that I miss everyone. I hope things are ok with you. Dont forget to check in, so we know your ok... Dont be embarassed or anything like that. If life is ruff right now, thats when you need the board the most.

I still agree with KADEE, hes lookin for trouble, putting any kind of drug in his system. Maybe, you could take a break, just till you know hes cleaned up abit. That doesnt mean you cant be supportive of him, just dont be in the same home with him..

Alright, I am gonna go now. Hope your great, and I am still sending prayers your way... Patti

03-04-2007, 03:20 AM
Hi jkitty

I have been reading this thread for a while and decided to finally post. Your friends that have already responded to you have given you sound advice. I am an older woman with three adult children.. 2 boys, one girl. I have a great husband and have been married over 35 years. I am a mother to my children and my husband is my the love of my life. Two seperate roles.

Okay, finally, to the point. If you were my daughter, I would be telling her right now that she was serving in a mother role and not a lover role in this relationship.

"I keep him busy and he says he has no urges to use when he is with me" (Probably I didn't get your words down exactly, but that is the essence I got).

Sweetie, this is not what a real love relationship is about. A real love relationship has to have trust and joy in it. A healthy love relationship can not involve one partner feeling in jeopardy because of the other partner's behavior. Yes, we help each other when problems arise, but when the partner's problems are such as your boyfriend's and making you fear that you might end up with the same problem, it is over-due for you to start becoming proactive for your own well-being.

You are so clear thinking when dealing with everyday issues like work and bill-paying. And yet when it comes to this, the thinking seems cloudy. Jkitty, somehow, we have got to get some help to figure what it is that makes a young woman behave so clearheaded in practical situations and, at the same time,allow herself to have this situation a part of her life. The joy and happiness in love is missing and you deserve that.

Mothers guard and protect their children. Lovers rejoice and find comfort in their love. This is a time of your life to be a lover, not a mother. I am sure this man has feelings for you, as you do for him. The situation, however, seems off-kilter, unbalanced, and certainly not healthy for you.

Have you ever sought counseling of any kind? Psychiatrist? Behavioral therapist? Your pastor? There needs to come an understanding of why you would participate in such a lopsided relationship. Your boyfriend is addicted to drugs. Perhaps you are addicted to him because of an unfounded need to be his "saviour, " his "guardian." Any efforts to help another human being is admirable until it reaches the point of being detrimental to our own spirits and being.

Young Friend, I hope you can accept my thoughts with the kindness with which I am writing them. Woman to woman. A mom to a daughter. Please use that good, rational mind of yours and put it to work on solving this situation.

Hopes for the future

03-04-2007, 09:51 AM
He needs rehab. He should not be taking any benzodiazepines (Xanax) either! All of these will lead him back to heroin, or at best a new addiction.

I don't believe he took a Vicodin that day. What junkie would take a Vicodin? He probably had a shot of heroin and just said that he took a pill, if he is anything like any other former heroin user (including myself) I have known.

I have been clean and sober for many years through N.A. and I know I would never have made it if I had not given up all drugs - including alcohol. Your bf seriously needs rehab. It is only a matter of time before he goes back to heroin, or develops a new addiction to something else, if he hasn't already.

And you should check out meetings like Al-Anon so that you learn that you are powerless over his behavior. You both have a long road to recovery, but it begins with the first step of heading to a meeting. It's not weak to go to meetings and seek help. It's weak not to.

03-08-2007, 10:15 AM
Thank you all. I don't get a chance to check this every day but I appreciate all the advice you all have been giving me. I checked into al-anon and they gave me a number to nar-anon instead.

He's admitted that he has been taking vicoden and wants to stop. BUT Tuesday my gas and electric got shut off. I had to take an advance from work to get it turned back on. He had to let the gas guy in but fell asleep because he took somas. So we went without heat until last night around 8pm because I had to schedule the gas company to come out again.

My car is having front end problems. He's a mechanic but with no access to his tools. I don't like driving it like this and he's driving it all around town telling me that it's ok, the wheel is not going to fall off. He just had the nerve to call me at work and tell me that his mom is sick can he use the car to go get her some pills. I can't handle this anymore.

I am passed the point of losing control. I know I am stronger than this and I won't tolerate this. He's not going to his intensive outpatient treatment at night and he always has an excuse. Now he's blaming me and telling me I have to make him go or he's going to violate probation.

He's trying to make me feel guilty for not letting him use the car to get pills. He's so selfish I know they aren't for his mom. I am not stupid. He's going to waste my gasoline and tear my car up to go get some vics if not more than that.

I'm over it. I am stronger than this. I deserve better than this. I won't feel guilty EVER about Fing pills. I have scoliosis and am prescribed vicoden. I don't abuse them and rarely use more than 10 per month. I have pinched nerves and they can not operate at this stage in my life. Whatever pain he's feeling he can be a man and take it. I do. I haven't become addicted or placed burdens on the people I love. I need a man that cares for me and loves me and canres about my feelings rather than just getting high and acting like I am a vilian for not wanting my car involved.

I needed your strength from this board and I did try to set up counseling. My insurance won't cover it until 8/07. So it would be 150 a session. When my energy is being shut off I obviously can hardly afford that. I know that I must have codependancy problems. But I want to get over this because I don't want some man yelling at me for what I'm NOT giving him.

I will keep you all posted and thank you for caring and shaking my eyes open a bit. I needed it and will continue to need in the weeks to come if I am going to stand my ground.

I don't get it. I am pretty, thin, somewhat sucessful and independant, but my self esteem must be low in some area otherwise I wouldn't grab hold of guys like this and pretend that I can make him ok.

Keep the advice coming even if it's harsh. I need to hear it. Even if it's about my issues, I won't be offended. I just want to finally wake up. Thank you all so very much.


03-08-2007, 10:22 AM
wow jkitty - I'm glad that it seems that you have seen the light.
don't get yourself any deeper into a situation with an addict....it can only cause you pain and heartache. He is a user, and he will use whoever he can until he uses them up.....and also a manipulator, trying to lay a guilt trip on you.....boy does this guy sure feel entitled, huh?
Get away ASAP, and don't look back.

03-08-2007, 11:54 AM

You are so right when you said this:

There needs to come an understanding of why you would participate in such a lopsided relationship. Your boyfriend is addicted to drugs. Perhaps you are addicted to him because of an unfounded need to be his "saviour, " his "guardian."

I am calling nar-anon today and I am not even telling him I am going to the meetings. I need to do this on my own and I don't want him trying to talk me out of it.

Just wanted to say you hit the nail on the head even though it's hard to admit and point the blame on myself.


03-08-2007, 04:37 PM


Babygirl, I do believe that nar-anaon is going to bring about some huge resolve, understanding and happiness in your life. I have never been to a meeting, but I know that just hearing the stories of others is going to bring about a perspective to your own life.

Oh, I can not tell you how happy I am that you are becoming proactive in your very own life. Oh! I am just sitting back here for a moment relishing the thought of what you are doing.

And there is no "blame" on you. That is silly. Honestly. I think you have a huge need to nurture (kind of built into most of us women). It has just gotten misplaced. You know something? Although my story is not the same as yours, a big part of an issue I had to deal with (and I didn't even ever recognize it as an issue) was my committment to helping others. Through work with a wonderful female psychiatrist 10 years ago, I learned that my instincts to nuture, along with a learned behavior to help others as a way to make myself ( my ego) feel good. Ego ( NOT egotistical)is not a selfish word here... we all have to find ways for our egos to be healthy and balanced to live life happily. Sometimes, for people like us, we need help to recognize when this learned behavior becomes unbalanced. I still have to practice which is why I sometimes even back off the board for a while. I have to practice or I could easily become obsessed and "addicted" to it. Balance.... lots of balance needed in life.

Sweetie, I think you are about to embark on a wonderful new road in your life's journey. A side trip to help yourself for a change. I am so happy for you.

God Bless

03-08-2007, 07:43 PM
Hi jkitty
Glad you are sounding that you are waking up. A sounding-board of a wake-up call is in the making for you.

Reach mentioned - relationship addiction. I relate to that one. I wasn't in love with my ex, I was addicted not only to the drugs that he dealt but also I was addicted to his pain until it became my own. I was addicted to choas and tragedy. I was addicted to pain. I was addicted to painful relationships, I didn't think I was worthy of love. I just got out of that cycle, well no, not completely, I'm in the eye of the hurricane right now.

As for your your car and him driving it to death - There is an old saying, I think it comes from Europe? Men treat their women like the same way they treat their vehicles. If he drives it in-to the ground with all the parts missing and in need of repair,.... he will drive you there too.

You are smart, young, pretty, slim, employed. Care for yourself and love whom you are with, "enjoy yourself, it is later than what you think." Time has a nasty habit of rearing it's old bugaboo's if they are not cleared out properly.