View Full Version : My brother can't stop and is out of control...

07-07-2007, 10:07 AM
Ever since I can remember, my older brother has had some sort of drug/alcohol addiction. He is currently heavy into Vicodin and Alcohol. I've also personally been to rehab and have gone to meetings (I'm two years clean in August!) and it's very hard for me to watch my brother fade away like this. He's become extremely intimidating because he seems to be angry 90% of the time. My father passed away 6 years ago and it seems like since he's been gone, my brother has become more and more violent and acts like he's the man of the house by pushing us all around and doing what he pleases.

My mom is afraid to kick him out of the house because she's scared of what he may do to her or how he may react. My mom lets him do whatever he wants because he intimidates her that much. I've been trying to tell my mom that she needs to be stern with him but nothing seems to be working.

My brother's been in trouble with the law because of drugs and got away with drug court for a few months (he should've been sent to jail). He comes home high (he smokes a lot of pot also) all the time and drunk. It's embarassing when I have friends over, I just hate being around it. I don't have enough money to move out, and I really think my mom needs a lot of help/support so I wouldn't want to leave even if I could.

Since my brother is addicted to pills and alcohol, is there any way I can get him help without evidence? I think he's to the point where jail is the only thing that will straighten him out since he's such an angry/violent man. He buys drugs all the time (I SAW him the other night but wasn't positive it was drugs until it was too late) and has left pills around the house by accident before. Is there anything I can do?

I love my brother very much and just want him to get help and to help the rest of my family out. We've been suffering for YEARS because of him. I've finally had it and really need an answer/help.

07-07-2007, 10:35 AM
what is the age of your brother? does your mom know to what extent hes using?

07-07-2007, 10:38 AM
what is the age of your brother? does your mom know to what extent hes using?

He is 24 and YES my mom knows because I've told her and I have showed her pills that I found lying on the living room floor from him. I don't know how else to help him or my mom.

07-08-2007, 08:50 AM
I have a 25 year old son who is clean from pills and heroin for 2 1/2 years. I was in the same place with him as you and your mother are. I ended up calling the police on him. I couldn't take it anymore. Tough love works. IT was the only thing that finally got through to him. Once he knew I wasn't going to take any more of his ^&%$ he changed his attitude towards me. Even after being clean for that long I still won't let him live with me. He's a big boy and needs to be on his own. He is now making good money and providing for himself. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I would do it again. It saved his life. He would call me and tell me he was hungry and had no food. I told him to go to dumpsters behind restaurants if he was that hungry. You and your mom need to get him out of your house and then you both need to go to Al Anon. That will help you and give you the support you need. I know it isn't easy but it's the only way.

07-08-2007, 09:12 AM
I ended up calling the police on him. I couldn't take it anymore. Tough love works.

What did you say in order to put him in jail when you called the police?

And I do go to AA/NA meetings. I think they're great and have helped me meet a lot of interesting, clean people.

07-08-2007, 07:12 PM
Oh My God !!! i was in YOUR SHOES!!!! i live with my mom. me and my kids. at the point when i was about 2 years sober we finally kicked my brother out and wouldnt let him back. double locked the doors. he tried to kick them in. gave him a blanket and let him sleep in his car. it was the dead of winter. no money. no food. no shelter. nothing. he finally got help !!! he's 3 /12 years sober today and is getting married next month !!! (he could never hold a girlfriend because he was such and angry, bitter bitter person) kicking him out was the best thing that ever happened to him. he even thanks us now. i wish you all the luck in the world. Many prayers.
keep me posted. i will help as much as i can. i care. michelle

07-08-2007, 10:16 PM
I told the police he was suicidal so they had to put him in a psych ward not the jail. He was there for six days but it showed him that I wasn't to be manipulated anymore. He finally realized that he had pushed me to the limit and I wasn't afraid of him anymore. I never feared that he would hurt me, I feared that he would kill himself. Things changed a lot after that. At first he told me he hated me for doing it but he got over that fast. He knows how much I love him. It's scary to do but I didn't see any other way out for him or for me. At some point you have to think of yourself. You have to let him know that the world doesn't revolve around him. His dream job since he was a little boy was to be a first mate on a charter boat and now he is doing it. He's saving money and plans on going to Costa Rica this winter for a first mate job. At one point a few years ago he was doing 10- 15 bags of heroin a day. He got clean by going cold turkey. His father stayed with him 24-7 for a week until the worst was over. I drug tested him every day after that and told him if he came up positive he would be out of the family's lives forever. He knew I meant it because I had already called the police on him so he knew I wasn't fooling around and couldn't be manipulated anymore. I pray to give you strength. Keep up with Al Anon. Good Luck.

07-08-2007, 10:26 PM
Thank you so much for your replies. I just think it would be very difficult for my mom to kick him out and keep it that way until he changes. My mom has kicked him out in the past before but has let him back immediately (probably because she felt guilty or threatened). I don't think she'll be able to do it. So is there anything that I, his younger 18 year old sister, can do?

07-08-2007, 10:38 PM
I know how hard it is for your mom. It took me a couple of years to kick my son out. It left me with a lot of guilt too. But it was him or me. I had to see a therapist to work through the guilt. Take your mother to Al Anon with you. Have you thought of doing an intervention on him. That way your mother would have support. I am so sorry to see you have to go through this. Has your mother been here to the healthboards. They also helped me to get the nerve up to do the right thing. We all know the drill--if your mom keeps enabling him, he keeps doing drugs. He has to reach rock bottom before he can start to climb up. That won't happen as long as your mom supports him by letting him live at home and run your lives. I check in here every day. Keep writing.

07-09-2007, 07:09 AM
Kim every single thing that joan is telling you is correct..its the hardest thing in the world..but her son woudnt be where he is today if she didnt...he would be dead or in prison. if your mom doesnt have the strength to do this than as long as he is living in her home he will keep on drugging. Its you, i feel sorry for..when my son was abusing, my 18 yr old daughter was so upset, i had to take her for some therapy. he was destroying all of us..i woudnt allow it anymore plus he wanted to stop.so he went into a re-hab and is 4 mths clean now. will your mom read any of these posts?

07-09-2007, 08:48 PM
My son has been homeless for the last three months. He has worked hard to save money and just today rented a room in a nice house. He paid for it himself. None of this would have happened if I had kept letting him live with me. He is finally on his own, drug free and providing for himself. I have never seen him so focused and happy. Your mom has to let him go, and so do you. My son wrecked my house a few years ago. He threw his body into the walls of four of our rooms . He has broken every door in the house . He broke my stove. He broke my heart. Let him go. It is the only way you can truly help him. He'll tell you he hates you, he'll be angry, but eventually he just might see the light.. He won't ever see it if you keep enabling him. Your mom needs therapy as much as your brother does.

07-09-2007, 09:24 PM
Thank you so much Joan for your responses. It makes me feel so much more at ease with knowing how I should deal with this. I know that he'd be extremely angry and terrified at first but I think that jail is the only way he could be saved. Thanks again and I'm glad to hear that you're doing so well now :angel:

07-09-2007, 09:27 PM
And thank you HudsonMom. I'm glad that I feel like I'm not alone and there's someone who I can turn to. Even my boyfriend is scared of him. Even though he hates seeing my brother treat us this way, he feels like he will never be able to come over to my house just because of my brother. My boyfriend loves my mom and vice-versa, but there's no way my boyfriend will step foot in the house when my brother is around. And I don't blame him.

07-10-2007, 07:40 AM
You could also get a restraining order. I would consider writing a letter to him explaining why you've done this. You can let him know you love him but you will not put up with his intimidation anymore. Tell him when he gets help with his drug problem you will be there to support him but until that happens, he can ruin his own life but not yours or your mom's.

Please let us know how this progresses. I know you can't do it all in a day but you and your mom have to do something soon. You don't deserve to be treated this way. And remember there is hope.;)

07-10-2007, 05:59 PM
kim, there is always hope..always..:)