View Full Version : Addicted mother in denial--almost a life story:)

07-27-2007, 08:19 PM
Hello, I've read posts and replied to a few on this board. I am not an addict myself, but my mom is. She is addicted to pills. Not a specific one since she doesn't get any prescribed to her for a certain ache or whatever, but there are a few I've heard of. I know she likes Codine, Loritabs, and Somas(don't know if I spelled those right). But as for how long she's been addicted....as long as I can remember(I'm 27). She's gone on and off of them. She really tried when we were younger, but as we grew older(I have a 4yr. younger sister) she just kindof gave up. I guess she felt she had given us a good enough foundation. Key words--good enough. That's never good enough for me I have to say. My best is all that's good enough with my children. But I have to consider that may have been her best.....I don't know. At times I think it's not possible for her behavior to have been her best, but I'm a firm believer that how we are raised and treated as we grow up affects us as grown-ups. My grandma is very judgemental and can be cruel at times, so I'm sure my mom had it hard mentally and emotionally. You have to put on a good face for my grandma. Maybe the drugs allowed my mom to do just that and not be critisized.....then there was my granddad. Inspector of the Memphis PD......very strict. Kids should be seen and not heard. He softened up when his grandkids were born, but still if we said something "ignorant" or "stupid" his reaction could be more cruel than helpful or guiding. My mom is sooo worried about what others think of her. Too sensitive. She'll imagine something negative where it's not even there. I've told her recently that she's putting too much validation into other's opinions and that they're not even thinking of her 1/2 the time she thinks they are. So don't waste her time thinking of what they might be thinking. But it's gotta be from childhood. If I was constantly thinking this way and didn't know any other way to think I'd be lost too. I've taken the role of her psychiatric advisor, no, I don't have any knowledge in the field. But growing up in the environment that I did is a lesson in itself! My point of writing all this is maybe someone can relate somehow. She recently got arrested for the 3rd DUI and is out of a job, divorcing her 4th husband, and staying with my sister and her family of 5, (my sister's got a burden there that she's taking on like a pro, but I'll never tell my mom I think that). And she's still taking the pills. Still surrounding herself with the "friends" who have drugs in their lives. I know she has to want to stop, but she's in denial. She's talking about suicide and I told her not to even think about it b/c It'd ruin mine and my sister's lives. I wanted her to know how important she was to us and at the same time feel guilty if it ever got serious enough for her to attempt. I'm so lost as to what our relationship is really about. I'm doing well. I'm married to a soldier and focused on health and anything and everything good for my kids. Where the hell did I come from and how am I not addicted? The surrender of my mom's life to pills makes me question so much about life. I know what's important, but I don't know that I'll always feel this way......I have to be sure that I do......but as my mom's psychiatric advisor I'm not doing a very good job w/her!LOL No, I know it's not me that got her into this, but I'm just looking for any insight. Everyone on here is very friendly and I appreciate your time, b/c I know this was a looong post......I just hope it made sense to someone! :)

07-27-2007, 09:37 PM
Well sweetie.......you just described my life......daughter of a cop, sister of a cop, sister-inlaw of cop, my counselor asked what in the heck happened to you! Your Mom is a very sick person, addiction is a disease of the brain. It only progresses with time, be it drugs, or booze, and even if you quit.....you start up again, you risk death smacking you upside your head. I'm no expert, but, I'm a 43 yr female, I started doing drugs at age 15, and just recently stopped in February 07. I did all the pills, Soma's being one of my favorites(believe me I'm not bragging) it's a wonder I'm still here, I'm sure you know but they are a muscle relaxer, oh yeah, your heart is a muscle, but I didn't care if I would swallow 6 at a time, I was trying to fill that huge hole in my gut that never got filled unless I was screwed up........I pray for your Mother and your family, I finally went had a moment of clarity, and checked myself into rehab, it saved my life. As tears run down my face I think of my children, and I think of you, please let your Mom know how much you love her, I KNOW how people judge, but you just can't quit until you are ready, and she certainly can't quit on her own, her body won't let her, she will go into D/T's something fierce. Please try and get her some help...., she obviously did try her best, her child is reaching out for her to help her

Blessings to you my friend.......:angel:

07-27-2007, 09:47 PM
I'm so sorry for the way your mom has messed up her life with bad decisions. I also think it's wrong for your mom to expect you to take on the roll of psychiatric adviser to her. I'm not sure if she expects you to or you've just taken on that role yourself. The only thing I can suggest is that you try to get your mom to narcotics anonomous or some type of support group and even if she's not willing to go, you need to get yourself to nar-anon or whatever the name of the program is that parallels al-anon, which is for families of alcoholics/drug abusers. They can help give you the support you need and make you realize that this is not your burden to carry.

07-28-2007, 04:22 PM
Hi 1rst,
I have to agree with rose in that you really should look into some kind of support group for families and loved ones of addicts..Whether it be alanon narconon whatever..You really need to learn how to deal with her and how to take some of the responsibilities of her actions off yourself...
I know all to well how it is to be raised in a family of law enforcement..My dad is currently a lead detective over the domestic violence unit on the Shelby County Sherrifs Department,My mom is a correctional Officer at a med/max security prison,my stepmom is a criminal court clerk in Shelby County,my late grandpa served on the local police force and sherriffs department for over 50yrs at the time of his death in January..he was 80y/o when he died and up until approx 6mos before he died he was working part time on the police department..My grandmother retired as a correctional officer and I am even married to a correctional officer who has 4 siblings that work as correctional officers...At one point I thought I wanted to become a cop but chose a different carreer path for myself though it to included public service..I am also an addict..Though my whole addiction was to opiates such as the codiene,lortab and vicoden you were talking about in your post.It all started for me with some major back injuries and a mass on the brain..But in the end it really doesnt matter how it started because it all ends in the same place which is the dark world of addiction..I stayed on the addiction rollercoaster for approx. 8yrs before finally giving it up..During that period of time I tried everything to get clean and did several times..For me the getting clean wasnt all that hard,It was the staying that way that was a killer..I went to detox followed by rehab several times..I would get clean and ride the pink cloud of sobriety for awhile after leaving but inevitably(sp?) the dark black hole of depression would swallow me whole..I tried antidepressants,exercise,diff diets,aa/na and even suicide during this time..I had just did to much damage to my endorphin system to make it successful.I ALWAYS felt like a failure when I relapsed..But it was SOO difficult not to when you are laying in your own sweat and filth because you are to depressed to get off the couch and even take a shower and the whole time you are laying there you KNOW that you could swallow a little pill and it all be taken away..Almost like the special effects of a movie...You know where they show it dark and foggy maybe even misting rain then a "magic" wind comes along and sweeps all of that away to reveal golden sunshine,white fluffy clouds and maybe even a rainbow...I think at times it was my will to live as weird as that may sound that helped me along in my relapses.Because I have woken up in ICU after swallowing the only thing I had in my house which was a bottle of benadryl just trying to escape the feeling of helplessness..There is a reason why I am telling you this story I promise...
It was when I realized that I couldnt do it totally on my own, or with prayer and the 12steps and that I was NOT a failure myself because I had failed at staying clean that I began to heal and recover..I started doing research and asking questions and found out that I wasnt the only one in the world that could get clean but couldnt function "clean"...During that research I found out about MMT or methadone maintance therapy..I was scared at first because I knew nothing about it.But after running into an old friend who at one point was soo strung out on pills her couch was full of cigarette burns and her chest had permanant burn scars and seeing her looking 15yrs younger than she did the last I had seen her,clear eyed,working a fulltime job she loved,driving a newer car and living somewhere other than the projects all due to MMT I decided to give it a chance...Well guess what..??You got it..It has been the greatest thing to ever happen to me..Yes it is a bitc% at first having to go each and every day(I lived a 3.5hr round trip from the clinic)but then truth be told I needed that structure and accountability at first..But I worked the program the way its meant to be worked,stopped using illicit drugs completely(heck I didnt even want them) and was placed on a "fast track" for takehomes and such due to my doing so well in the program..Since the day I started the clinic in Feb 2004 I havent touched a pain pill,or any other type of mind/mood altering drug..I have went back to work in my field of training making more money than I ever have..My days,nights and in between are no longer spent obsessing over drugs...My life is better than it was before drugs actually..As the depression I was suffering pre-drug days is a thing of the past also....I was thinking with your mom's long history of usage,and the main types of drugs it seems she is using being opiates MAT or medication assisted therapy might be something you could look into..They didnt have suboxone readily available in Rural Tn back when I got on methadone or I would have probably tried that route first just to see if it would work..So maybe that would be a good place for your mom to start..She isnt a failure because she has failed..Its just her brain chemistry is no longer the same as it was pre-usage..Anyways thats all I wanted to share with you..I am really sorry this was got as long as it did...I do wish you and your mom the best...I will keep you both in my thoughts and my prayers..Because trust me when I say your mom is more than likely no longer enjoying any aspect of her drug use...In fact she is more likely to be in hell on earth.....Good Luck my friend...


Ps I think you are an AWESOME daughter to care enough to wanna learn more about your moms illness and wanting to help her...

07-29-2007, 07:51 AM
Hello bdean. Wow, it's a small world! I grew up in Memphis. Untill 4 yrs. ago anyway. I wonder if my mom knows about Methadone clinics......isn't that where you are medicated at the clinic? I wonder if her will to quit is strong enough for that to actually benefit her.....don't get me wrong, but I've put sooo much hope in her getting clean sooo many times that I just don't even know what her real intentions are. You have a huge point as far as her brain chemistry being screwed up now. That hurts me for her. I know it's possible for her to get her natural abilities to feel good back(thought it'd be hard and her will would have to be super strong) but I don't know that she wants to consider or realize that it's possible. She also still lies about her drug useage. She just got arrested while high and had all kinds of excuses about why she took something and even that she was ok to be driving.....she wasn't....even when my sister and I had to pick her up hours after. And she didn't even acknowledge how hard it must've been for us to have to do that. No "thank you" no "I'm sorry". No ownership of HER actions. My sister was late for work. She felt she had to tell her boss exactly what was going on I guell b/c she no longer feels it important to keep my mom's illness a secret since my mom doesn't, so everyone in my sister's life knows how distructive my mom is. It's ok that people know, but my mom expects my sister(with her 3 kids mind you) to be there for her and to see all the darkness she goes through. My sister is getting such a bad influence of a mom b/c she STILL is an example for us. I say my sister is expected to be there b/c I'm not living in my home town where they are. I'm about 10 hrs. away. This arrest happened when I was visiting. When she could've been happy her 2 grandkids were in from out of town and been spending quality time w/them. She's 47 yrs. old. Doesn't she know how precious and impressionable her 5 grandkids lives are? They aren't going to know too much about her with what she's choosing for her life. What's bad is she tries to be so close with my niece(7yrs.) and my neice loves her a lot. But then she comes around her soooo messed up. You'd think she would at least want to hide it from her. It's not ok to give such a young child that example. I'm sure my mom's example alone won't determine how our kids live, but why is she just not considering what she's showing them. I guess I could look at it like the kids may learn the wrong way to act from her. She's sacrificing her life to teach them how not to live???? No, I know that's not why she is addicted. It's an illness, I know. I just don't know what's gonna finally make her realize she can pull out of it, if only she wanted to bad enough. My sister tells me that she's killing herself slowly, I just hate that my sister has to live with that.

Thank everyone for your posts and support. :)