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analisa4
10-15-2007, 04:55 PM
On September 28, 2007 my oldest child and only son died in a motorcycle accident. I am so angry at him for doing this to me. I miss him so much. I don't think I will ever be able to move on. How do I even begin to cope? If anyone has any words of wisdom for me I would appreciate it.

Xant
10-15-2007, 05:17 PM
Honey, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Anger is a normal reaction when you lose someone, as it sadness, despair and all the other feelings us humans are capable of. It has only been a very short while and also, losing a child must be the most painful thing anyone can go through. I'm sorry, I have no words of comfort except that there are people here who will listen to you when you need them.

I read once that it is a good idea to write a letter to the one who has died, explaining what you are feeling etc, apparently this helps to work through the grief.

I have two children and can't imagine what it must be like to lose one. I wish I could give you a great big hug right now.

Xant

ICC
10-16-2007, 04:49 AM
Morning Analisa...I am so sorry for your loss. My 21 year old daughter died in an instant in an auto accident 10 years ago. It has taken me 10 years to gain some sort of normalacy in my life. I miss her daily, still love her as I did when she was a baby.

Analisa we are all different. We all grieve differently. There are no right or wrong ways to grieve. There are years in between that I don't remember. I just kept getting up every morning like a robot and going to work, cleaning, etc. The writing of a letter as the last poster suggested is a good idea. Talk to God and talk to your son alot. You need to do whatever it takes to help you to go on.

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God doesn't give a choice here but to get up breathing every morning although it is against everything a parent is made from. I'm here for you.

ICC

analisa4
10-16-2007, 10:19 AM
Xant-thank you for your kind words and the idea to write a letter to my son. I think that when I'm stronger I will try doing that.
Icc, thank you for your honesty. I know what you mean when you say "robot". I feel as though I have to keep going and I just don't want to. I have three daughters to take care of and when I start to cry I feel them looking at me. I just don't know how I will go on. I just want the pain to stop and I know in my heart it never will.

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I thank you both, again, for your kind words.

hootyhoo
10-17-2007, 01:57 PM
analise..i'm so sorry for your loss. i too lost my 29yo son, my best friend on feb 6, 2006. i still can't believe it. i wake up in the middle of the night, or during the day and just remember the look on his face when i found him...or the day before he died when he was so sick and wouldn't go to the hospital. people say he isn't suffering anymore. but i never thought about him suffering...he didn't live his life that way at all.

it is the most awful thing to go thru. don't be angry with him..use your anger so that other drivers will be aware of motorcycles on the road..helmut laws...and channel when you can that energy into something positive.

i'd like to say that is what ive done, but i haven't. to this day, i still can't get myself to the local grieving group for parent's who have lost children. NOONE wants to join that club...no one stands in line to sign up.

my heart goes out to you. some days are worse than others,,,holiday, birthdays,,etc..or just a monday or a tuesday...and some moments will be better.

you will be ok..i will pray for you along with others in our special club. my best. p *hug*

analisa4
10-19-2007, 09:54 AM
Hootyhoo, today at 10:51 P.M. it will be three weeks since my son died. This is such an evil thing to have happen. I feel robbed of what my son could have become. He was reckless at times, but he was coming around he had plans and wanted to do things with his life. No parent should have to go through this. I don't want to think of what the holidays will be like. I can't even think of what tonight will be like. A co-worker of mine said the stupidest thing the other day and I wanted to just scream at her. How do you deal with stupidity? How do you deal with living? I just can't do this. I am so sad and miss my boy so much. I wish I knew why this happened.

hootyhoo
10-19-2007, 11:15 AM
analisa...*warm hug*...there is NO reason for it to happen...that i've ever seen or felt since the day it happened to my son. people would say things that i thought were really just plain stupid...and i could feel myself getting angry inside,,,and would try to tell them i just didn't buy that nate suffered,,,or i would have known it. he never complained. and he went thru so much..he was a true hero. people think they are saying things that may comfort you. and it doesn't. i don't think they mean to, but it just happens.

your son is a hero too . there is a reason they are gone,,,and a purpose for us to go on...tho it is not clear what it is. i don't do great things,,like charitable events or such..but still there is something. i just am not ready to see it.

holidays are <hard>
....i'm not going to lie. my son's birthday this year was on mothers day..three months after he died. and now..in feb it will be two years and i still wake up seeing it all happen...

your life will never be the same......but i'm here for you. you will get thru this...i promise. p

hootyhoo
10-23-2007, 06:03 PM
analisa...i'm thinking about you...it is about 9pm my time...just checking in to see how you are doing today....hope it was a decent one for you..:)

Nyxie63
10-24-2007, 05:50 AM
Analisa,
I know what you're going through. I lost both of my children in a car accident 13 years ago (it'll be 14 years on Nov 2nd).

I posted the below info on another thread awhile ago, but am reposting it here in the hopes that it will help.

"You'll probably find that people in your life either don't want to hear about your loss or will tell you how you should be feeling ("aren't you over that yet?"). Find a safe place where you can talk about your loss - someone who will just listen. It's what you need right now and what you'll need for some time to come.

You'll probably find that people can say seemingly insensitive or "stupid" things. They don't mean to hurt you. It's just that they don't know how to make you feel better (and they really do want to) and feel the need to say something... anything.

Take the time to grieve. If you feel like crying, then cry right then and there. Don't worry about what others might think. Do it. You need to.

Make sure to take care of yourself. Watch your health and eat properly. Make sure your other children and spouse are doing the same.

Everyone grieves differently, so be there to listen to your family as well. If they won't discuss it with anyone, then suggest going to see a counselor. It's harmful to keep it bottled up. I'm living proof of that. It just comes back, sometimes years later, and bites you. Sometimes people act out, mostly out of pain, or anger, or a combination of both. Keep an eye out for this.

Holidays, birthdays and annivesary dates are going to be rough for everyone. Prepare yourself for this. Sometimes you might look towards that date for weeks with dread. Other times, it might sneak up on you. That's ok. Don't beat yourself up for not anticipating more pain. It's all part of the recovery process and, while we all go through the same stages, it's a different experience for everyone.

13 years later, it still hurts. I don't think the pain ever goes away, you just get used to it. But I can finally look back and remember the good times without pain. I can see something the kids would have really liked and smile at the thought of their reactions. Even though my children are gone, they're still part of who I am and a part of my life.

My thoughts are with you and your family. You're not alone in this."

hootyhoo
10-24-2007, 06:27 AM
nyxie..how old were your two children? how awful...and your suggestions to us all are very good. thank you.

no one signs up to be a member of this club. the people in this awful 'club' are very compassionate and caring. i'm not quite two years out, but i recall people not wanting me to cry around them....when i had no control over it..(and still don't)

i have not seen a counselor, nor been to a grieving group, but still intend to go. it's so difficult. my husband came home from work yesterday early, and i'd been crying all afternoon..and i have no clue what set it off, other than my heart was hurting so bad!

thank you :( :confused:

Nyxie63
10-24-2007, 08:06 AM
Hooty,
You're quite welcome. I'm so sorry for your loss as well. {{{{{ big hugs }}}}}

My daughter was 10 and my son was 8. The accident wasn't really anyone's fault. It was just one of those stupid things that happen. At first, I was angry with the driver of the car, but then realized he was being eaten away from the inside by guilt and grief as well. Forgiving him has helped me move along in my own healing.

My healing has been a long and difficult one. I'm still broken, but at least I can function fairly normally now (for the most part). I was in denial and suppressed the pain and grief for 4 years. Then one morning, it all came up in one big smack over the head. What I posted below is the result of what was learned from that headsmack. I've since been dx's with PTSD, depression, and various anxiety disorders, all stemming from the accident and the initial 4 years of not dealing. I'm posting my story so others will seek help sooner. If even one person can avoid going through all this, then being "naked" in public is worth it.

I attended a couple of meetings of a grief group aimed at parents who had lost children. I'm afraid my first impressions weren't favorable, but I don't want that to influence your opinion if you choose to attend. I think it just wasn't what I needed at that time. If nothing else, some of the parents there opened my eyes to what I *could* become if I didn't deal with the pain/loss. I looked at them and realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life focusing on the death of my children, rather than their lives.

Overall, I found the things that helped me the most were talking and crying. I think both help to get the emotional toxins out of our system. If left there to sit and stew, the pain and grief only serve to poison our bodies, minds, and souls.

Guilt is another biggie. I used to beat myself up for not crying everyday, or being able to get through an important day without breaking down, or not behaving the way I thought others expected me to. Forget that. I've since learned that being able to celebrate means that I'm healing. Being able to smile at a memory means that I'm healing. And I gave up on trying to live up to the expectations of others quite some time ago.

I've since adopted the following philosophy: How can I honor the lives of my children if I give up on my own? They'd want me to be happy and to live the life they no longer can. To be able to find joy in the simplest of things is the greatest gift I could give them and also the greatest gift I could have received from them.

Be well. :)

hootyhoo
10-24-2007, 08:48 AM
thank you for right now. i do smile with memories...but at times consumed with guilt. we woke up,heard him coughing....and i said i'd take him to the hospital when he woke up. an hour or two later,,no noise..i went upstairs...he was dead. i think. i didn't do cpr...and he was still warm in his back and back of his head. hands cold. so awful. i wake up in nightmares..when i called his name..did he move,,,did he take his last breath then...if we had woken him up and taken him to the hospital earlier,,would he still be alive?

i knew it was coming. he had kidney disease for many years...he was 28..he never complained...or griped about suffereing. he was a joy...my best friend. so smart..awesome sense of humor.

i feel like i should do something really spectacular for him..to celebrate his life...but i just don't have it in me yet...or ever!!! he was not a showy person...i am somewhat better...but i do know i keep alot inside,,,unless i'm with my husband...who was his stepfather...loved him the same as me...they were very close...even closer than his real father at times.

anyway...i am ok..just not always. p

analisa4
10-24-2007, 10:25 AM
Nyxie63 and Hootyhoo- thank you both for your concern and words of wisdom...this is all so new to me. I have been back at work and for the most part enjoy being there. I hate being in our home...I keep thinking my son will knock on the door or come walking in the house...and, yet, I know he never will again...I miss him so much..and I too, feel guilty that I don't cry every moment of everyday...People do say some stupid things...I have found that out in these three weeks since my boy died. I cannot believe it has only been three weeks, well three and a half really. In one breath it seems like only yesterday, but in the next I almost can't remember him, his voice, his smell, his laughter...I just want to remember everything about him. Will I forget these things I hold so dear? I don't want to forget...I need to remember and I miss him so much.

hootyhoo
10-24-2007, 12:01 PM
you won't forget him, analisa,,that never happens,,, sometimes i wondered why i didn't cry uncontrollably all the time...or at odd times...and that's just the way it is. now...almost 2yo, i still break down. i read about your son, and Nyxie's children and i see how fragile we still are. Nyxie is several years out from where I am...you are just a year over behind. ut it still feels like yesterday.

I'm glad you have work. I don't work, so my husband and I went out of town for a couple of months. Thinking i was doing ok, we came home,,,and it started all over again! Then...we couldn't bury him til the summer time,,,so it happened all over again.

Cry when you need to, sleep all day when you need to. Talk to anyone you can and will listen. It's a baby step after the next one. You will be ok, I promise. Please keep intouch. peg

analisa4
10-24-2007, 06:28 PM
Hootyhoo, your name is Peg? I must have written the wrong info...it has only been three weeks and five days since my sons death... I miss him so much... Is it normal to seem to have forgotten his smell, smile, laugher, face so soon?? I do remember what he looks like, but the details, seem to be gone for now. Why is that I so want to remember him, but can't? Will I ever get that back? I don't want to forget, like so many people seem to have already done. I love him so much and would do anything to have him back with me and I mean anything. This just isn't fair. His sisters didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve this. How will I ever be able to be their parent again? How do I go on? I just hate waking up each morning and HAVING to go on like NOTHING has happened!!

hootyhoo
10-25-2007, 12:21 PM
yes,,my name is peg. you won't forget him. smells change all the time. but i can go into his old room, and still today can smell him...and it's not always that good, because he died there. i got rid of all his clothes....so i thought...and then found more stashed away in a closet,,and then in another dresser,,in a different room.

his all time favorite baseball team...who he watched religiously is now playing in the world series. i am watching the gamew with him,,,i know.

the smells, looks, touches, moments will all fade in and out. for awhile. then they may be replaced by some happier memories..times when you were all together, laughing, enjoying the moment! those are good. and then there are the bad ones too.

let yourself grieve,,,anyway you want. you still have to be a parent to his sisters,,,don't short change them in that,,,and don't hide your pain from them either. remember, they loved him too, and are probably unsure of how to grieve themselves.

not sure if i'm making all that much sense,,,cause i know it's hard. keep intouch. please. you will get thru this. i am praying for you. p.

analisa4
10-26-2007, 09:35 AM
Peg, thank you for your honesty and yes you are making sense...which team did your son like? We are baseball fans in my house. We love the Angels. I am so sad today. I cannot believe that it has already been four weeks since my son, Nick, died. It seems like yesterday I saw him on the sofa, laughing with his girlfriend. But, I know it wasn't. I miss his so. You said you got rid of all your boys clothes, I still have all of my sons stuff. I even ziplocked some of his clothes to try to preserve his smell. Is that weird? I know I will remember both the good and the bad, in time, but right now I just want to remember everything and I'm afraid that I won't be able to. My mind seems like a fog has covered it and I can't see through it. I can't even imagine what his sisters are going through. I know they loved him...he was their only brother and now he is gone. I haven't got the nerve to ask them how they are doing right now. Is that terrible of me...not to want to hear their pain, because I am so consumed with my own? Please, don't get me wrong, I do care, I just can't take on anymore pain right now. I'm not strong enough...It's all I can do just to get through each day without breaking down. Thank you for listening to me...God Bless each and everyone of us who are here...

hootyhoo
10-27-2007, 08:40 AM
Hi A...I tried to reply to your post yesterday, but for some reason it didn't work....

We are REDSOX fans...and I have to say that I am because we used to watch the sox with my son on a little hospital 10inch tv...every day,,,while he was in the hospital. sometimes months at a time,,,but he always came out. he had several strokes...always came back from them..he was such a trooper...
I know what you mean about keeping your son's stuff. I haven't removed anything from his wallet, or games or anything. He did alot on the internet...and since he wasn't a very big young man, he had alot of 'gamers' online. Unfortunately, his provider wouldn't give me his password,,so I couldn't get intouch with them.

As you start to have a 'normal' routine for you...(nothing normal about it)...all of a sudden something will happen and change that...almost shock like. and everything will start all over again. it did/does for me anyway.

if it makes you feel better to keep his stuff, if that helps you to hold him in your heart..then do it.

are your daughters on their own? My other son is,,,and he doesn't grieve the same as me...(also lives closer to you in the US)..and we talk,,,but his way of dealing with it is to just get on with his life. i felt paralyzed..and sometimes still do.

I hope you are having a good day. *hugs* p

analisa4
10-27-2007, 03:23 PM
Peg, My daughters are still young and dependent on me...one is 14 and I have twins who are barely 11...the girls just started becoming close to thier brother when he died...I do know that they are in pain and need comfort, but how do I help them when I am in so much pain myself??? I feel as though there sorrows have been put on the back burner and yet I realize they need me too...how can I be there for them when I don't want to be here for myself??? I talked to Nick's girlfriend today and was looking to be reassured that he KNEW that he was loved....she said he knew he was, but I doubt that at times...is this normal?? Am I crazy? I know I loved my boy, but did he KNOW he was loved? I am so hurt and confused...I really don't know how to go on....

hootyhoo
10-27-2007, 04:07 PM
Well as far as going on...you have no choice. You have daughters who need you regardless of what has transpired.

Was your son happy? As 'sick' as my son was, I never thought he was unhappy...he lived his life very content. And I don't know anyone who may walk in his shoes who would be content with his life as it was.

I'm sure your son loved you, and his sisters. We have no idea why bad things happen to good people...(that is a book title) but we have to go on..and you will find the strength to speak with your daughters...spend time with them...and laugh...and talk about your son too. fun times you all had together.

Remember his girlfriend is grieving too...so be careful with her as well. This is not a win win situation all around.

My heart goes out to you..you will be ok...just one foot infront of the other. I'm still doing it...some days better than others. Sometimes uncomfortable to be in certain situations. I feel sort of betrayed at times.

keep on going...keep on this board. p

analisa4
10-30-2007, 09:51 AM
Dearest Peg, thank you once again...I know that I must go on and I will...but it will be a long and lonely road. I cannot believe that it has been 32 days since my son has died...In one breath it seems like yersterday, yet in that same breath it seems like forever since I've seen him, kissed him and told him that I loved him. I still haven't got the courage to talk to my daughters. I know I will in time, but right now am I causing them even more trama? They know that they can talk about their brother and I know that when they are ready they will. Maybe it is too soon for any of this...maybe we are all still numb and I am just confused...I don't know...I am rambeling now...I must go for now...

hootyhoo
10-30-2007, 11:58 AM
I know it's difficult to talk about your son,,,but unfortunatly, being the parent,,,in the case of having other children...you need to do it. My other son is older, so I just talked...but younger ones probably want to talk, but are afraid of making it worse for you, since you are their mother.

Be open to conversation, or at least tell them that you are very sad, and that they should say what they are feeling as well. Perhaps give them a day that you can all sit down and talk. Talk to a chaplain...I did...the ones at the hospital are good. Or a grieving group. They can help you open up to your other children.

You will be ok. As ok as you can ever be...the pain will always be there..but now when I feel it, my heart aches physically,,,but the rest of my body doesn't. it's wierd. (not a heart attack feeling) God bless and keep intouch. p

analisa4
10-30-2007, 07:45 PM
Peg, I'm not sure if they want to hear me...I talk and they walk away...maybe it is too soon...I don't know...I just know that I miss my son so much...the holiday season will just SUCK this year...I have always disliked the holidays, but now there is a more pressing reasion NOT to enjoy this season...what will I do? HOW will we cope? It just makes me sick to think of all that could of been and all that will never be.

hootyhoo
10-31-2007, 05:05 PM
You will get thru the holidays,,the same as your girls...doing the best you can at the moment. I am assuming you have a husband/man around, who can help out? As far as Thanksgiving goes, you do what you normally do, or go someplace else! Let someone else cook...and give thanks for the amount of time you had with your son.
Last year was our first holidays without my son. I drank too much and wouldn't hang around with anyone. Went for walks by myself...and took naps. For xmas I didn't decorate,,and told my husband..(son's stepfather) that I didn't want to go anywhere,,do anything..just feel sorry for ME...as I feel I am entitled to at times. After a couple of days of that, we did go to his parents house...I was just so afraid no one would remember him...and just go about their business like he never existed. We went to church..and my grandaughter...just under 2yo was fussy at church...all she wanted was to be with me...it got me thru the holiday..and i will never forget it.

Your children will talk when they want to. They are young...digesting their own feelings and thoughts about it. You do need to be strong...not only for your son...but for them as well. He would want you to be!

Keep writing...you will be ok. We can do this together. hugs..p

carmensmom
11-02-2007, 07:00 AM
I feel your pain! I lost my oldest daughter May 8, 2007 to brain cancer. She was 35 years old and had 3 teenaged boys. It is not the natural order of things to outlive a child. I don't think we will ever "get over it". Mothers are not built that way. I plan to attend my first visit to a bereavement group next Monday. Although I trust God to help me, I need human interaction too. I'm hoping reading how other people cope will help me.

hootyhoo
11-02-2007, 07:15 AM
carmensmom...i'm so sorry for your loss of your daughter! and having three grandchildren too. i hope you get to spend lots of time with them. my grandchildren...who are not my son's kids really have helped me to get thru some rough times...particularly holidays. my son died of kidney disease on feb 6, 2006. my heart still aches for him.

you are right...no one signs up to be a member of 'our club' so it's probably a good thing to be with other people. my area has a group for parent's who have lost children...i haven't been there, but the door is open for me whenever. this is the most i've 'talked' about my situation...

let me know how it went. i'm sorry for your family...*hugs*

hootyhoo
11-13-2007, 11:47 AM
i am just checking in on you analisa...i hope you are feeling a bit stronger. peg

analisa4
11-19-2007, 06:49 PM
Peg, things aren't any better..time dosen't heal and things aren't better...the holidays suck and I hate having to put on a brave face for others. My husband feels that I should "be stronger" for my daughters and I don't think I can right now. Life sucks and I cannot move on like everyone wants me to...I loved my boy with all my heart and miss him with all my heart too. How can I find a place to put this and make life "normal" for my girls? I can't..and I cannot move beyond this pain. I am grateful for my kids that are still here, but miss my boy who is gone even more.

hootyhoo
11-24-2007, 04:30 PM
analisa...i have been traveling so was unable to respond to your last email. how did it go...how was thanksgiving? i hope you were thankful for the things you do have..but i know it's difficult when you are grieving so much for what you have lost.

i remember thanksgiving last year,,i cried and cried and cried!!! just couldn't stop,and couldn't understand why the other people didn't react the same as me!!! this year, i made a choice consciously, to enjoy the holidays,,and keep nate in my heart. i am thinking i still will purchase an ornament for him for our xmas tree. and i've already started decorating for xmas. i want to make it special again...

that is way different from last year, when i did NOTHING..no tree, wreath, no joy. i'm anxious to spend it with family this year and not be alone at all.

i hope you are doing well. keep intouch. peg

Lynn1982
11-28-2007, 09:23 AM
Dear Analisa: I've just joined the message board and wanted to write to you. I have a son who died the 9th of May 2007. He is my oldest child...I have a daughter who is younger. Dan was 24 and had an infection in his body that wasn't caught and it enter the walls of his heart and caused a heart attack. He died instantly. My son lived in Penna. and my husband and I moved to South Carolina about 2 years ago so we got the fateful news during the evening. I could go on and on but I just wanted you to know that I truly know how you feel. I miss my first born and everything about him and getting through the holidays...and his birthday was the 27th... is painful BUT I want you to find comfort in this....with Dan and I, we had a good relationship and I had always worked hard to make sure my kids knew they were first and that I was their soft place to fall when they needed me. I built a bridge with my son and I have no regrets so please keep the good things going on in your mind and thoughts and know that your son is fine. We are entitled to every emotion we have and we are entitled to every feeling we feel. It's hell to bury your child but the day will come when you realize that you have to go on living. As much as we love our children the world doesn't stop because they are not here...and trust me, that used to **** me off more than anything....weird but that was my hang up. I'm here if you would like to write. Peace to your soul.
Lynn

Lynn1982
11-28-2007, 10:56 AM
Hey Analisa: If you would like to try a book there's one called "Heaven is Real" by Don Piper. It's an awesome book that describes heaven and all kinds of good stuff. My heart goes out to you and please tell your other children what you are feeling and that right now you are struggling and just need to gather your thoughts etc. I wish there was more I could do.

Peace to you and yours.

Lynn

hootyhoo
11-28-2007, 01:55 PM
same with me and my son, Lynn...after he died, 2/6/06...the following xmas I just couldn't believe that the rest of my family didn't want to stop the world and devote ourselves to his memory. he was 29. my husband, who was willing to go thru my plan to do nothing over xmas, reminded me that his parents were still alive and 79yo...we finally did go...and it was the best thing i did,,,to have grandkids and family around. they didn't forget my son...just not as wounded as I was...(and am) p

hootyhoo
12-20-2007, 02:19 PM
analise...just checking to see how you are doing...so close to xmas right now...snowing here...

i hope you are finding strength...keep intouch...

analisa4
12-23-2007, 11:58 AM
Hello, my lovely friends...I hope that you are all doing better than I am these days. I have no "spirit of Christmas" going on in my heart right now. How can I pretend that all is "merry and bright" when I am still in such pain? It will be three months since my son left me on the 28th...it is still so raw, too painful to bear. Not to mention that his 22nd. Birthday would/will be on the 31st. How do I get through that one?? I have no tree up and at this point don't plan on putting one up. The girls haven't said much. They have been very sweet about this. I know that it probably isn't fair, but I just can't put on a brave face for this one. I really don't know how to do it. I just pray that they don't hate me if/when I find my way out of this fog. Thank you for listening to me ramble and thanks for being here for me.
Lynn, I will look for the book...none of the ones I've tried to read have been of any comfort, so hopefully this one will be.

hootyhoo
12-25-2007, 03:50 PM
Last year I did NOTHING for xmas either..no tree, wreaths, no joy nothing...and that is the way I wanted it. Looking back at it, I don't believe my son who I was grieving over would have wanted me to be like that...but I couldn't help it...I had a black heart...hole in it...part of me was missing...(and of course still is). I was so afraid I'd lose his memory..that I'd go on and enjoy myself, and possibly others would do that too,,and not remember him.. and he was underground...cold..

This year, I totally embraced the holiday...whatever happened, was the way it was. I enjoyed my husband's family, my grandkids, neices, nephews and all the little kids and the old folks too. so different.

I didn't feel like I was disrespecting Nate,,,but I was honoring his memory with joy...smiles...and yes,,,some tears and my heart is still pained...but I got thru it...and as I said,,,kept his memory with me in my pained heart.

We laughed and joked about his short time on earth,,what a terrific young man he was...and that was good for me.

You will come to a point..and never know it has happened where you will begin to feel steadier on your feet. People won't look at you like you lost a limb,,,and you will be able to focus and go on. Please don't let your girls miss out on xmas...do what you can for them too.

I'm glad to hear from you...I've wondered and prayed for you. *hugs* p

analisa4
12-25-2007, 09:37 PM
Thank you for your words, not only of comfort, but wisdom too. I love you my friend...Take care...AnaLisa..

venentiarose
03-27-2008, 11:45 PM
I too am part of this horrible club. My eldest child and only son died 08/06/06. He was only 11 and was hit by a truck on riding his bike to school. I too have three daughters to look after and after nearly 2 years since his death, I am still not as good a mother as I would like to be. I think it is because I am scared. I gave my son my heart and future, and it got snatched from me, do I really want to put myself in that situation again? I love my girls immensly and they know this, but I wonder, am I loving them the best that I should, or am I blocking?

hootyhoo
03-28-2008, 08:04 AM
i am so sorry for your loss!!! in situations like yours,,it seems almost like the randomness of life!!! my son had kidney disease,,and i will NEVER understand why he went thru what he did,,and he passed away feb, 06.

i have another son, and we are not close..and i'm so sad over that. work hard to be close with your girls. give them your heart and soul. they need you and they didn't chose to lose their brother either.

have you spoken to someone...minister,,professional of some sort? they maybe able to help you thru this period. keep intouch. *hug*. p:(

venentiarose
03-29-2008, 02:37 AM
I am catholic and I think everything was supposed to happen as it did because our church deacon works in the same office as myself. I am lucky to be able to have someone to talk to that is separate from my situation on a daily basis and who checks my emotions every morning. I am also seeing a counsellor and this has helped me see my emotional blocks. I am trying and have had some parenting courses as well so I am doing my best. I just wish it could come naturally. Like I said I do love my girls, but when I am down, or thinking, I miss what my girls are telling me and I think I have missed out on too much. I just wish I had the ability to focus on them when they need me....but until my grief subsides, this may take awhile

hootyhoo
03-29-2008, 08:48 AM
VR...everyone grieves at a different pace. i still have a heavy heart and miss him so much. my children are grown and i focus totally...almost obsessively on my grandchildren, which i am blessed to have in my life. (they were not his kids...he wasn't married,,,no children)

it will happen for you. you are doing all the right things to help yourself. do your kids go with you to counselling? do they see things the same way you are as far as focusing on them?

give yourself credit for trying!! imagine the others who just don't. life doesn't stop after a death. tho sometimes i do wish it would...and on the anniversary of my son's death,,,i can't move and wish it would even more!!

take care. p

venentiarose
03-29-2008, 03:26 PM
My kids arent in counselling as they coped so well. Yes they miss him, but my 11 year old daughter now wants a bike my son died at her age on a bike. No matter how much I explain to her that I am uncomfortable with this she thinks it is unfair. She almost got hit by a car last week on her friends bike, so I am definately not ready for her to be on the roads. They know I miss their brother, and I ask them frequently if they do to. They do, and they dream of him which is nice. My baby was 18 months when he died, so she doesnt really remember him. She knows his picture is her brother, but I am not sure if she remembers how much he loved her and how often he cuddled her. She is three now and is going through a phase of asking me about my mother who passed away so I am sure the time will come when she asks me about her brother.

hootyhoo
03-29-2008, 06:08 PM
you are certainly entitled to how you feel!!! it's so difficult...none of us signed up to be in this 'loss of child club'..but here we are!! and it affects everyone else that we are close to. when i read your post about not letting your daughter ride her bike...it reminded me of when i was 17 and just got my drivers license. my mother wouldn't let me drive, because my older brother and sister had their licenses,,and had accidents...so she figured i would too...(and i never did)...but i felt like i was being 'punished'...due to them!!!

you can't protect them from life, no matter how hard it is. do you live on a busy street? can you take her to a park to ride under your supervision,,with guidelines that she MUST follow. i.e..helmut...only when you are with her, not in the road..etc.??

just a thought. my son was 28 when he died. he had a stroke and was paralyzed on the right side of his body 2.5 years before he died. man oh man..was it hard for us to let go when he was ready to drive again!!! we were scared to pieces!!

keep talking to your counselor. What does she say?...does she enourage you to get on with life and help your children too? keep intouch. p

venentiarose
03-29-2008, 10:24 PM
My daughter is very active and we live on a cul de sac, which is really quiet and safe, but this is where she almost got hit too. I would rather wait until she is a teenager and get a bit more maturity behind her. My counsellor is quite good in the fact she teaches me to figure it out myself. I found it hard letting my son go to school on his bike, but he had done the bike course at school and adored riding, so I let him. It was the truck drivers fault, not my son's. I did the best that I could, but he still died. It was just meant to be. The odds of my daughter getting killed as well are minimal, but there is still a small percentage that she could, just like both your brother and sister had accidents. I could not bear to lose another child.

hootyhoo
03-29-2008, 10:29 PM
i don't blame you a bit. i would be the same way, i have no doubt. i'm so sorry for your loss!!!! p