View Full Version : Son's downward spiral

01-21-2008, 02:26 PM
I haven't been on the board for awhile. Son addicted to xanax...or just likes to do it. Gets arrested everytime he does it because he becomes violent. he had finally got his life in order, 2 months left on probation, license reinstated, registered and started votec...and he decides to take xanax and drink...alot...he came pulling into driveway like a madman...we were out front. My husband went to the car, opened the door and said get out. Son got out fighting. Stood out in street cursing his dad like he was no body. took his shirt off wanted to fight. When I stepped in, he pushed me and my husband decked him. He went down on the street and lay there. We got him out of the street and he was bleeding. My husband was so afraid he had really hurt him. My husband is not a violent person and has never hit either one of our boys. Son got up next morning and didn't remember anything. He came in my room and got me up at 6:00...I had only had 2 hours sleep, and said look at my face...I said yeah, and told him what happened. he went nuts again and attacked my husband....they were on the ground as my husband was saying, no son, don't do this again. Son kicked husband in mouth and head, and I was laying on top of him to help hold him and I called the police. he was in jail for 2 days...old girlfriend bailed him out...now he's at a friends. We are done. I am calling his probation judge tuesday and recommend he court order him to rehab..........I have a 17 yr old also who this is tearing apart. We have to cut him out of our lives until he gets help.......

01-21-2008, 03:10 PM
Flint, i have a 21 yr old son too..we love him no matter what..But i cant blame you at all.. we are prepared to throw him out if he uses again..hes in a program now and trying but you never know. We were told that addicts need to lose alot before they pick themselves up..if you (we) continue to let them do this to us, it is taking years off our lives and sucking the life right out of us. and they go on and continue their self-destruction while we watch. and than they cant even remember what the hell they did. and we are left in their dust picking up pieces..its bull*** and all it does is enable the pattern. Do what you need to do to. i have 2 younger ones too and it is not fair to them to see this and its not fair to your son.. :mad:

01-21-2008, 03:49 PM
Thanks...I needed to hear that. My husband is so depressed over all this. He says he should have done this, should have done that...no, he did what any man would do...protect his wife and family. Every time I look at the stitches in his lip and his bruised face, just want to cry. Son has a broke jaw.....well...he can go to the hospital that takes peole with no insurance....and have his surgery...........I am still calling judge tomorrow....for court ordered rehab.

01-21-2008, 04:44 PM
Isnt it funny that husbands are the ones that have a huge problem with throwing them out. maybe because they know it will lead to something physical. their injuries are terrible its just so sad. But it will continue , your son needs help..if he wont do it you need to shut him out..i know its easy for me to say because we didnt reach that point. but i can honestly say that we are ready for it if it has to be done.

01-21-2008, 05:35 PM
Flint, I sit here, emotionally choked up, I cry with you. We went through a similiar situation. Last summer my son attacked my husband when he was high or manic after getting high. It is devastating. Your mind can't wrap around this. Don't feel guilty. Equally devasted was our son.

We pressed charges. He was no longer welcome in our home to live. Your son cannot push you. Your husband had the right to defend you.

Your son needs help. Intervention. Mental evaluation. Anger management. Reality. I say this over and over again on these boards but in order to fix the addiction you have to find out what they are running from or what they are self medicating. When I just read how he was doing really well and then went out of control, I wondered if the reason why he started using drugs again is because he was afraid of failing or some other reason in his own head. If he thinks he can't do it, he will self sabatoge himself. If he thinks he doesn't deserve it, he will self sabatoge himself. This will never end until he gets the right help. You have to stand strong near him but not beside him or behind him to get him help.

He can apply for medicaid and general assistance, if he is homeless, which he is, he can apply for help at his local county office. He can apply for charity care to pay those emergency bills. Search "federally funded" clinics in your county. Those are the only places that accept medicaid in my state and I imagine they are for people who have no insurance or money also.

I was hoping when I didn't see you posting that things were good. Your situation is a reminder that when the addict is good, it can be fleeting, which is why none of us celebrate the good times, we are afraid too.

Keep us posted. Cram315

01-21-2008, 05:36 PM
P.S. my son is at a wake tonight for an aquaintance who od'd or commited suicide, no one knows yet. He was only 25.

01-22-2008, 05:46 AM
Hello Flint

I, too, wept as I read your words. I have not experienced a child on drugs, but I wept for the pain in your family. For what it is worth from an outsider here, I believe you are taking the exact steps that need to be taken to preserve your family. And to preserve your son. Just like an out of control toddler sometimes needs a time out, your son needs a grown up time out. He needs to be barred from the family life until he can participate in it constructively. Spending the time out in a court ordered rehab may be the one place he has a chance. Do all you can to have that put in place.

Flint, I was curious about his reaction to the Xanax. When I was on it, it just zonked me out. I researched it and was surprised to find out that Xanax has caused these violent reactions in many people. Lord, what a sad reation to wait for using it. Sad for him, sad for those in his life.

I am sorry for your pain, Flint. I am holding you all up in prayer with the hope that the time comes that Son will want to embrace his family again with a clean and clear mind and body. I hope that during his time out, you and your family can find peace in one another again.


01-22-2008, 06:03 AM
Flint, you know a real addict will try any drug..they might have a drug of choice but will try anything..my sons was opiates and benzos..he wanted to numb himself and thats exactly what xanax does..it is a very hard drug to come off of..it has to be tapered slowly like REACH did..my son had 2 seizures from xanax withdrawel. it is also so addictive you just keep needing more and more of it..But what i dont get is when people say i stopped such and such and i just smoke pot occasionally. like that is ok..if somebody wants to be clean all mind altering substances have to be given up including alcohol. It is very hard to do on your own..keep us posted please!!

01-22-2008, 08:50 AM
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I had to call the police on my son once. We lived together, just the two of us. One night I felt he was suicidal. He left me a note and then took off in his truck. I couldn't call the police. I had to call my daughter and ask her to. I just couldn't do it. I had left the house to go look for him and when I came back home he was in the police car handcuffed. He was yelling at me "How could you do this to me. I hate you". He had already damaged my house so much. His bedroom had no walls left. He had body slammed most of them. Big hole in the kitchen wall, in the hallway too. That day he had broken the glass on the oven door. We had no doors left in the house without holes in them. Yet, when he wasn't on drugs he was so sweet. He's done heroin mostly, a short stint with crack and xanax. His ex-girlfriend died of an overdose this summer and a friend of his hung himself.

It was just as well his father didn't live with us because the same thing would have happened that happened with your son and husband. I just know it. One thing I knew is that he would never touch me so I wasn't afraid of him. Amazingly enough, he never stole from me and I always had a lot of cash because I owned a business and would have the cash deposits in my pocketbook and he never took a penny. I think his love and respect for me was part of why he got himself clean. He's been clean for three years except for a short two weeks with crack a year ago. So there is always hope. Though I will never let him live with me again. He needs to be on his own. He's got two jobs now and is doing well.

You do really need to detach from your son and put and think about your wellbeing. Do you go to Al Anon? I finally went and I still see a therapist. I had to start making myself well. My son had drained the life out of me. I am still on zoloft. I use to cry every single day. Now I don't and when my son calls me with problems I say to him "You'll figure it out". Now I come first and he knows it.

01-22-2008, 09:09 AM
I am so sorry. As i sit here looking at my 6 month old son sleep, it tears my heart out to think about what you have gone through with your son.

I have had various family members on drugs and even tho I don't know the ends and outs of addiction firsthand I do know that YOU can't change anyone, YOU are POWERLESS over the addiction, the addiction will override all other emotions--and if they see tears in your eyes they will know there is a weak spot to work with. Rock bottom has to happen....not all users will become isolated from family, become homeless, etc... for them to feel they are the lowest point in their life--but many of them have to. They have to have all ties severed. My cousin recently fell off the wagon and overdosed, she nearly died. That was nothing new, she had Od'd more times than I can count but the difference was--she was actually trying this time to live sober. The first time in years she had been sober for 6 1/2 months, had a job, and acted like her old self. That was only because her family stopped her from coming around, wouldn't bail her out of jail anymore, stopped giving her money, listening to her lies, etc... Until then she never had to figure out how to care for herself because she had someone else to do it.
I don't blame you for kicking your son out. As an outsider looking in on my cousin's antics--I can see how family trying to help can actually do more harm than good by enabling them use more and more.
I hope for you and your family your son will realize that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life like he has been and get help. You're doing the right thing---this is NOT your fault. I know your brain is telling you the same thing but your heart says differently. It's NOT your fault!

01-22-2008, 05:00 PM
What in the world would I do without this board! I went to the probation office today because I couldn't get anyone to call me back as soon as I would have liked. the judge was in court. the probation officers listened to me and called the judge on the phone. the judge said that when he comes in tomorrow for his probation meeting, lock him up, no bond, court ordered rehab. He said if he doesn't show tomorrow, issue a warrant and we'll go get him. the sheriff will get the warrant, and I worked for the sheriff for 12 years, so I came home and called my buddy over warrants and gave him the story.

this afternoon, I saw a police car pull up and I saw my son out in the street. the officer came up and said he wanted to get some clothes. I said, I will get them. I wouldn't let him come in. I bagged up some clothes and his school books. He started tech school last week, wouldn't you know it...not at my expense, he got a student loan. He was with his ex-drug head girlfriend, who is pregnant by someone...who knows who....and as I was going inside, I said, be sure and go to probation tomorrow, and he smurked and said I know what I gotta do. so, that told me his attitude is still crap....prob doing xanax with her..hope so, cause when they test him tomorrow, it won't just show marijuana, it'll show that.........either way, he will go to rehab by court order. that's all I can do.

they left and she called me on my cell and I didn't answer, so she texted me, she knows I hate her, and said I was a sorry excuse for a mother and they had filed assault charges against my husband...now that was funny.

I appreciate all the input guys....i love you all and I know in my heart this will work out someday. We will just have to live our lives and see what he decides to do. It's on him now........love to you all!!

01-22-2008, 05:41 PM
Flint, i commend you..there was a time when i would have you thought you were awful...Now i think you are wonderful..you did the best thing for your son. I would do the same thing and im not just saying that..i mean it from the bottom of my heart. you rest now,hes safe.

01-22-2008, 06:19 PM
I admire your strength so much. I wish you and your husband continued strength and hopefully....peace.

01-23-2008, 01:08 PM
Son was a no-show today at probation. Waiting on probation guy to get judge to sign off on the warrant. This is the first meeting he's ever missed with them in almost a year. He only had 2 more months and he would have been off probation..............seems this is the way it always goes.

01-23-2008, 01:17 PM
I am so sorry. I just don't even know what to say. It's horrible when someone we love so dearly is heading down the wrong (and dangerous) path. I am sending positive thoughts your way. For all of you.

Take care.

01-23-2008, 07:52 PM
probation called me and said son called them and said he would be in on thursday that he had just gotten out of hospital....he might have gone to hospital, but he wasn't "in" hospital. So, when he comes in, they will drug test him. He will test positive for marijuana, he may not test positive for xanax unless he's done it since the big blowout. It stays in your system I think 36 hours......but he always cheats on the tests anyway. Puts someone's pee in a condom and tapes it to himself..........probation people know that, they just don't care. I told them that the other day. But they are in a tough spot too because there's not enough jail space to lock them ALL up.................heavens.............w hat is the answer to all this madness. He will be upset when they take him in, but the liason will call me and let me know the procedure for rehab and she'll get him in as soon as possible. this is my last chance to do anthing and I have to take it. if this doesn't work...I'm afraid I have lost my son..................pray for us all tomorrow...............thanks again for all your responses............it has helped me so much!!!!!:angel:

01-24-2008, 12:44 AM
I am so sorry you are going through this...it tears you up inside, and rips your heart out bit by bit :(

My son is on the same path, his drugs are cocaine, speed, mj, just about anything he can get his hands on..he has turned from a mild mannered kind boy into a monster.

He is now back in the hospital after being thrown out of his appartment and threatening to hit is 90 year old grandmother if she didnt give him money!!

The only reason he's back in is because he had nowhere else to go. He has been there before and discharged himself..I am not holding my breath.

01-24-2008, 04:53 AM

Just spent a moment sending up my prayers for your family.


01-24-2008, 07:05 AM
I am so sorry. I'll be praying for you too.

01-24-2008, 09:31 AM
Flintrock, you are on my mind, your son is in my prayers. cram315

01-24-2008, 08:21 PM
Hey Cram and Reach...thanks for your thoughts and prayers..........seems like we've been this route before......oh yeah...we have...just worse this time...as of 2:30 today, he hadn't shown at probation. Maybe tomorrow. God has the plan and I am waiting to see the course of action. They will get him when the time is right.........thanks again everyone!!!:angel:

01-27-2008, 03:26 PM
So very sorry to hear what is happening to you. When I was 10 (30+ yrs ago) my brother attacked my father ( bro was 12) in a fit of rage and my parents called the police. Dad had stitches, brother was put in a state hospital for mental evaluation and help. He was there 2 years. It was stressful and strange but necessary. I'm very happy to tell you that as we've grown into adults, my dad and my brother have healed from the ordeal and we have a very strong relationship now. It was a long road, but my brother says he knows my parents did the right thing and he knows he was headed for more and more trouble had they not intervened. Please take care of you and your family. Your son will need to want help before he will get better. I wish you all the best.

01-29-2008, 07:39 PM
Thanks everyone. I called probation today, they haven't seen him yet. I told the guy that handles his case to get the warrant and let me know that way I can tell the sheriff where he is. I've been so busy this week I haven't had time to go down there. those people are worthless.........and I hate dealing with them. they're not much beter than the probationers.......I'll keep you guys posted. and thank you for the prayers...we need them. Husband got his stitches out yesterday......his chin looks fine..........

01-31-2008, 04:37 PM
Hi Flint, just aword from this sad mum in england, I really sympathise, it's been a long time time since i posted but my once beautiful daughter is now in prison and i have travelled your road so understand, take care and look after you.

01-31-2008, 05:04 PM

I am so sorry for you....it is so hard dealing with this mess, and after a while..you almost get numb to it. We weep for our children and they give us no thought at all. This drug epidemic has to end. If we don't get some rehabs opened and some doctors to help our young people, there won't be enough prisons to hold them. this problem effects every single person in the world.....every time I turn around, I am hearing about one more family going through this torture....

All I can do at this point is pray for my son. I still love him dearly, but I can't and won't live that life. He can choose this life and I can choose not. I can't help him any longer. I have no idea if he's still staying with the ex girlfriend or someone else. If he ever gets back to probation office, they will take him to rehab I hope. By court order............if not, I don't know what will happen to him. You are in my prayers and thoughts...let's stick together.:angel:

02-01-2008, 01:15 AM
Hi Flint, just aword from this sad mum in england, I really sympathise, it's been a long time time since i posted but my once beautiful daughter is now in prison and i have travelled your road so understand, take care and look after you.

Another sad mum here. Prison seems on the cards next week for my son, if he doesn't do a disappearing act beforehand! I'm hoping that will be his turn around point and if not, well at least I know he isn't self destructing physically, (self neglect). Do we all fluctuate between sadness and acceptance? Sometimes it's so easy to say as you have said flint. Other times I get so bogged down with it all. I wish all our children could see what they are doing to us..............

02-01-2008, 03:35 PM
My daughter did 3 weeks on remand in prison before xmas and always her fear was prison, well she said it was a doddle, heroin every day, so yes Flint higher powers need to take action, but addicts do get clean even in this society of corruption, they just have to want it and nothing you do can make them want it, in fact doing nothing might make them want it quicker, our interpretation of rock bottom is so much different from theirs. just take care of yourselves ladies, then you will live to fight another day.
From a broken hearted mum who is fighting for her own wellbeing.