View Full Version : New Here - Hubby is Alcoholic

02-25-2008, 10:46 AM
Since a lot of you are addicts or recovering, I thought I'd give it a shot to post about my situation and life problems;). Sometimes I'm not sure whether or not to give my hubby this title. Our old counselor said he is a binge drinker. We have been to counseling 2 times over the 16 years of our relationship. He quits and starts, quits and starts. If he quits drinking, he has to take up smoking. It is always my fault. Saturday night we got into another fight. He showed up at 12:15 AM and couldn't get in the house (due to his own stupidity). He pounded the door so hard I thought he was going to knock it down. He was yelling at the top of his lungs. Of course this woke up my son. We got into an argument and he called me a dried up dead f***.:mad: That was the most hurtful thing he's ever said to me, which I might add just started recently. Christmas Eve he called me blah and boring. I went back to bed. We've never slept in the same bed because of his snoring. The next day I told him I was going back into counseling to figure out what to do with my life. He swallowed hard and just said ok. No apology whatsoever for what he said, which isn't out of the norm. God forbid him to say he's sorry for anything. I know I need counseling again and I don't want to jump ahead and do something stupid, but I'm seriously considering giving up on the relationship. We have a 20 month old child. I find myself already lying about where daddy is. He is a wonderful father and it tears my heart out to think about splitting up for that reason. He drinks 4-5 times per week. Most nights he doesn't come home until past son's bedtime, which ticks me off! Am I just wasting my time and money by going for help again or is it worth another shot? I know this time if he says he'll quit, its critical that he gets help or I'm done. I have so many stresses going on that sometimes I feel like it would be 1 burden off my back but I also dread the thought of being lonely. My father is dying of cancer, I just started a new job, blah blah blah. I feel like I'm running out of energy to deal with this. Please help with any advice.:confused:

02-25-2008, 05:14 PM
The only thing that worked for me was "tough love" . 3-4 times a week is a definate alcoholic, not a binge drinker, there is a dif, sorry to say. How can he be a good daddy drinking that much-you have to ask yourself that and get real with your situation, sounds like you are off to a good start. Maybe some al-anon meetings would help you---you would be around people that are in the same boat as you, and you would get some awesome face to face support in how to deal with your H's alcoholism. I wish you luck and I am sorry this disease takes down yet another family.

~Angie the alki

02-26-2008, 07:25 PM
Hi Hershey -

WOW, your story sounds like a carbon copy of mine. My husband of 38 years has been drinking EVERY night since we met. At first it was just a few drinks before dinner but over the years it has progressed to drinking approximately 12 ozs of Vodka before dinner. Naturally he falls asleep as soon as he eats. He too snores and we don't share a bedroom or anthing else in the intimacy department and according to him, this is all MY fault. I've listened to his ranting and raving. I've been at the end of his poised fist. I've been demeaned and belittled and as a result have absolutely no self confidence. I have no respect for him, we share NOTHING in our lives and frankly I cannot stand being in the same room with him anymore. Don't let this happen to you.

My mother and father were alcholics, my brother died at age 57 from alcoholism and my sister is a recovering alcoholic. I don't drink at all and never have. I have no tolerance for this disease in my life. Over the years I sought counseling on several occasions. Sadly, I was never strong enough to put the "big girl" panties on and leave. I was always fearful of being the one responsible for breaking up the family and I am fearful now of wondering how to support myself at age 66. Fear of the unknown is paralizing. My husband can be quite decent during the day and everyone thinks he is the greatest thing since apple pie. Go figure. Now that our son is grown and understands my frustration, leaving would be easier but at this age I have no confidence or enough self esteem to start over again. It's a horrible way to live but my choice I guess.

My suggestion would be to follow your heart and think of your wonderful baby. Your husband's drinking problem isn't going to get better unless he wakes up and sees what he will lose. If you have a career and can support yourself, think how much happiier you will be. Eventually his drinking will take a toll on your physical health not to mention the emotional issues it causes.

Be careful as well, Hershey. Verbal abuse is often followed by physical threats and abuse. Use counseling now as a tool to strengthen your knowledge that you and your baby deserve better than this.

Please keep in touch....
Wishing you calm days :)

02-26-2008, 07:48 PM
You can make it on your own at any age! After 38 years of marriage you would get half of everything-- house/bank accounts/stock/bonds/retirement--health insurance you would still have, talk to some legal counsel it is free for a conceltation. Why be mirserable the rest of your years married to someone you dispise? You should be with someone who would travel with you---take you dancing---just being a friend to you! Life is too short to be this miserable. I feel for you--my husband was verbal/mentally/emotionally abusive to me for years, I took matters in my own hands and went to a womens shelter, and they directed me in a path of how to stand on my own,(he told me I could never make it) and if we divorced, what I would get. I was amazed as to what I would get, I thought I would get nothing because I was the one that left, not true at all. I left because of his abuse, and don't let anyone tell you that verbal/emotional/mental is not abuse---it is the worst out there cause it tears us down to nothing, no self esteem to even think anyone would ever want us again. Atleast one can heal from bruises---you can never heal from vial words and actions of belittlement, they take our soul. He was scared to death that I had the power I did, and the stregth to take this kind of step---he had more to loose allot more, including his family. To make this very long story short---he agreed to counseling, we both go 2 x a month, things are so much better. I don't drink and he doesn't abuse. So please--look into your options, you deserve happiness. Take the ******* to the cleaners!! Happiness to you.......


02-27-2008, 05:55 PM
Hi Angie,

Thanks so much for your encouraging words. We have two homes and I frequently leave one to go to another ALONE. Doesn't seem to make any difference whether I am around or not, as long as I don't bug him about the booze. My new attitude is to just totally ignore the situation. Eventually my husband's drinking will affect his health....or one would certainly think so....he is 69 in a few months but appears to be healthy as a horse!

Yes, it's a lonely, lonely exsistance and living with an alcoholic changes who you are. Good for me I can entertain myself with hobbies, etc. I wouldn't have a clue what life would be like with a "real" companion around. Also, I have a gift of absolute freedom. If I want, I can fly anywhere in the world free, anytime I want. Just need to find someone who would like to share this desire to travel. A rich widow maybe! ;) I don't think I would enjoy doing it alone.

My point for Hershey was to not let her situation grow into something she'll end up regretting the rest of her life. She sounds young, with a young child. The child deserves better as well.

This Board allows a free flow of different views, opinions and advice. I appreciate the ability to "vent" from time to time. Good therapy.....

Have a great day.....

02-27-2008, 06:28 PM
This Board allows a free flow of different views, opinions and advice. I appreciate the ability to "vent" from time to time. Good therapy.....

Absolutely stitcher! Vent away, it is good therapy. I was happy to read that you have a second home to get away from the madness of alcoholism, and it is that. I bet I can guess what your hobby is! Either you make quilts or you sew LOL You take best care of yourself---hey I'll go with you traveling!! ;)


02-28-2008, 07:09 PM
Hello Angie,

You are a breath of fresh air! Yes, I am a quilter and I needlepoint as well. During the cold months, I (we) head south and I have found a terrific group of gals in my community that share my love of quilting and have become like sisters to me. I adore each and every one of them for different reasons. We all bring so much experience to the table of life.

I have learned I am not alone with the disappointments alcohol abuse has caused me. First, from parents and sibblings and now husband. What chance do you supposed my son has? He is fully aware and totally disgusted with his Dad's issues but who knows what will happen if it's in his genetic makeup. No problem with it now at all. He would lose his job INSTANTLY... Forgot to mention, my in laws were alcoholics as well. My MIL used to hide her booze in the bathroom in a bottle of mouthwash!

Yes, Angie, let's fly off into the sun set and see the world....at least we can enjoy it with a clear mind.....;)

So nice of you to respond. I'll be checking back!

03-01-2008, 02:25 PM
Wow, reading this thread was like hearing someone tell my story. My s/o is also an alcoholic, although when he 'feels' like it, he can stop for weeks at a time. A few days of the shakes and voila, he's back to the man that I fell in love with. I try not to count the days or weeks he is sober, I just enjoy the freedom from the constant anxiety that I have when I don't know which man is coming home.
He is also a great guy to all his friends, I don't think he has an enemy in the world. I am the only who is subjected to his verbal and emotional abuse.
Ditto on the loss of my self esteem...it's defunct at this point.
Life, as I know it, is a roller coaster. When he is sober, it's near perfection. He is everything I would want in a man. But, when he's drinking, which is nearly daily, he is a *bad word*;)
He says I have to accept him as he is or get out. I could grudgingly accept it if he would just leave me alone when he's drinking, but he always tries to goad me into an argument, and then he'll use things that I've told him (when he's sober and we're having deep conversations) as ammuntition against me when he's drinking. And he wonders why I don't want to talk to him? There is no leaving for me, I cannot afford to live on my own and my depression has all but curtailed my search for a job. My last job lasted 28 years, and I have no discernable skills that would get me a living wage. I'm pretty much stuck.
Thanks for letting me vent. I could go on and on, but this much at least feels good.

03-05-2008, 10:02 AM
Thank you ladies for your words of wisdom. I am going back for counseling today. I feel very strange about where to begin, but I will go with the flow. Weird problem I have is that I complain about hubby being an alcoholic, but I enjoy a few drinks per week and feel stubborn about giving up one more thing to satisfy him. Anybody understand that? I feel like I've sacrificed my whole life around him and once again he'll be taking something else from me. I know on the other hand, those few drinks aren't worth tearing away my son's father. I work full time but would barely make it on my own. We pay out $800/mo for daycare and have tremendous credit card debt plus a mortgage and car payment. I know if it comes down to it, I WILL make it on my own but would prefer to stay married. I will keep you posted.;)

03-05-2008, 06:59 PM
Nice hearing from you, Camryn and Hershey,

WE are all in the same boat....Don't know how old you gals are but I am 66 and have been living with this ALL my life. Married for 38 yrs....but even before marriage, I lived my entire life with parents who were alcoholics. Frankly, it sucks.....:mad:

Camryn - Your description of your SO "goading" you into arguments and then using your most inner thoughts against you is typical. I've been experiencing this forever. I don't have any real interaction with my husband anymore. We live like polite roommates....We don't communicate on any level. We have separate rooms, separate friends, separate interests. Mainly I don't discuss anything with him because no matter what my views are on a subject, he argues the point just to be difficult. He is critical of EVERYONE but himself. Sound familiar? For years I stayed because of our son. I didn't want to be the one to break up the family and I too was (am) so insecure, I didn't think I could make it on my own. At age 66 now I feel it isn't worth even trying. This is called "passive agressive" behavior.

One thing I will tell you both is that the resentment builds over the years and it breeds a form of contempt and hate. I despise that word but it's how I feel. The love and excitment I once had for this outstanding man is gone. He robbed me of my full potential, robbed me of my ability to trust and to love freely without consequence. He has robbed me of my self respect and my confidence.

Alcoholics literally suck the life out of you. By refusing to stand on our own and set limits, we enable these people to treat us this way. They do this to us because they can. We're telling them, "hey, do, say anything you want, I am so weak you know I'll still be here when the dust settles". Don't let this happen to you gals. Wouldn't it be great to have this burden lifted? I know personally, the stress is taking a toll on my pyscial health. My sister (a recovering alcoholic herself) often asks me what am I getting from this relationship that makes me want to hang around for more? Interesting question.....

03-06-2008, 09:04 AM
My first session went ok. I am always very honest and told him straight out that I wasn't there to beat up on my SO and that I also have issues that need worked on. Our goal is to meet somewhere in the middle. He was amazed how SO can quit drinking for so long without help. I am hoping to get SO to go with me. I think he will. I know he loves us, he's just out of control and I know some of it is my fault. He suggested that I go to some AL-ANON meetings.

Stitcher, I feel real bad for your situation. I didn't experience this growing up thankfully. I'm glad you're here to vent as well. It helps to know we're not alone. BTW I'm 38 years old.

03-06-2008, 01:56 PM
Hershey -

Happy to hear you are stepping up to the bat and addressing these issues both for you, your SO and your child. If he loves you and will also attend counseling I think you two can work things out. At lease you are trying. I'll be cheering for you!

My husband flatly REFUSED to go for counseling and actually made fun of me for going and trying to find a way to work these issues out....I think he knew I would never leave and at that time our son was about 13. Son is now about to turn 29! Gives you an idea how long this can go on. :(

Don't let it...

As a side note, the end result of my counseling was this.....It was suggested that I.....

1) get a job,
2) go back to school
3) it's OK these days to live separate lives and live together thus keeping your financial assets protected and in place!
4) go on antidepressants (no thank you)
5) forget trying to make this go away, it won't. you can only change yourself.....

I was so totally frustrated that I quit going. It didn't help my situation but then I didn't have a willing partner to participate and share the results with.

Let us know how things go for you.....

Cheers :)

03-06-2008, 01:59 PM
Stitcher, your post is so poignant and means so much to me, as I feel the same way most of the time. I cannot believe that I could have such hateful thoughts for someone that I used to idolize. Awful, awful thoughts. Then he goes on the wagon and the good man comes back and I remember why I fell in love with him. I am 61, and the loss of my job was like a death for me. My entire life changed in an instant. I have been depressed and see myself becoming agorophobic (sp) and there are several other family issues that are of great stress to deal with. I am between a rock, and another rock. My future was planned to be with this man, we met when we were both over 40 so the future is here. I have some savings and modest investments but as I have no income, I just try to make the best of it.
Right now, I am having such anxiety because he will be home any minute and I don't know if he will be nasty or nice.

03-07-2008, 06:41 PM
Hello Camryn - Hope you had a good evening yesterday. You mentioned the anxiety you were feeling while awaiting hour DH's return. Hope everything was OK.

I understand the depression, anxiety, resentment etc. I too went through a bad period a few years ago. My Mom died, my son went off to college and my husband decided to retire all in a period of 12 months. I was his office manager for 18 years and absolutely loved working. All at once I'd lost my mom, I felt I was no longer needed as a mom, I lost my job and then on top of all that, I got to go through menopause and all it's glory. :mad: At the same time, hubby decides it's time to sell the homestead and move up to our summer home in the mountains, to a town of 167 residents.....talk about depression! It was at that time I started to look back at our life together and realized how much I had given up over the years.

My husband has been a heavy drinker all the time I've known him (41 yrs) but it really got bad about 15 yrs ago. He starts drinking about 4:30 in the afternoon and has about 8 drinks before dinner (approx 12 ozs) of vodka. He goes through a large 1.75 liter bottle every 5-6 days. One Dr. asked me if I was prepared for the medical/mental problems that are bound to crop up in the future On the flip side my Dr. here in Fla tells me he may never show any ill effects from his heavy consumption. He drinks this amount EVERY day of the year.....

I have learned over the years that I cannot discuss this with him ever again. I've been at the other end of his fist although he has never hit me, he has pushed me around. He terrifies me when he gets in a bad mood and that seems to be precipatated by something I've said that ticked him off. At the end of the day, I stay in the marriage mainly because of our financial situation. We're retired and 80% of our funds are in his name in an IRA. A lawyer quickly pointed out that he can do some pretty ugly stuff if he wanted to get even with me for leaving. The only way I can protect this asset, to assure myself of half, would be to file for divorce and when that happens the court apparently freezes his ability to change beneficiaries or spend the money recklessly.....nasty nasty way to live.....

Well, I hope you are doing OK today. Do you have any hobbies or friends you can go out and do things with? Have you thought about getting out an doing some volunteer work at a local hospital, nursing home, school? Now that I spend my winters in Fla. I have met some really neat gals that have become almost like sisters to me. If it weren't for them, I'd be in the nut house for sure.... Just a thought. You are several years younger than I am and much too young to be housebound.....;)

Please keep in touch when you can.
PS: How much does your hubby drink and how often?

Hershey - How you doing today? Are you guys making any progress? Hope all is well.

03-26-2008, 03:52 PM
Hello, I understand your situation all too well, I too am married to an alcoholic, it's very depressing to think that they can destroy a family involving children over such a thing as beer, pills, etc... I don't have the mind of that type so it makes it very difficult for me to understand. I have been married for 11 years, I have two children, one 7 and one 9, they are wonderful, beautiful children but are being directly affected by his drinking, mainly because it affects me. He's a wonderful father, the kids know him no other way than with a beer in his hand, it's very sad. I want to have a relationship with him so bad without other influences being involved but for some reason he can not do that for me. He has given me promises and dreams over and over again, maybe this time he means it, I never know because it hasn't;t happened yet.
When I had my babies my life changed forever, I care about how their world is shaped, I wouldn't want them to think that it's OK to depend on a substance in order to deal with life's obstacles, I want them to be strong and tackle life head first but as they see their Daddy drink himself into the walls it bothers me. I am running out of time and patients. I finally told him I am leaving if he doesn't change and I think I mean it this time, even though it hurts so much and the kids would go through a huge change. If i were you I would figure out what you are going to do before your baby is old enough to really be bothered by all of this. For some reason I was blind to his faults for awhile but it became for prevalent when we moved into another home with a larger mortgage and more responsibilities. I take care of everything, bill paying, yard work, repairs, you name it. The only thing he does is cook because I work so late. I have to beg, nag for anding else to be done.
Anyway, enough of me. I hear Al-anon is a great helper I am thinking about going soon, maybe you should too. We deserve so much better than this. We should do what ever we can to make that happen, with or without him. Please write me back, I need to talk too.

03-28-2008, 08:44 AM
Hello Wisteria,

WOW, you are a smart gal. Sounds like you have a plan for you and your children. Being married for 11 years is a long time but I've been at it for 38 years and I am so resentful at this point I can't even look at my husband. Love turned to hate and total disgust over the years.

I have considered Al-Anon over the years but there are no convenient meetings for me to attend due to where I live. I guess I could make an effort during the winter here in Fla but my friends keep so very busy. I just try to ignore the situation. There are no children around now and my husband doesn't drink at all during the day, just in the evening. He is totally out of it by 7:00pm. Last week while I was away he left his unfinished dinner on the coffee table, a plate full of chicken bones and our dog ate them! I was terrified the dog would have a perforated gut as a result. Lucky, though, she was fine. Just an example of his inability to function at a safe level. Last Nov. he loaded our wood stove and "something" happened that smoke got out in the room and now we have smoke damage all through our summer home. He could have died from carbon monoxide poisening! He brushed it off saying something happend to the gasket.....WRONG. So, I have to watch EVERYTHING this man does after 4:30 in the afternoon.....like a babysitter!

Stay strong and stick to your guns regarding your decision to leave. You are working so that helps. Your children will suffer emotionally over the years if you don't step up to the bat. My parents were alcoholics as well so I can vouch for that. It was ugly. Our son is aware of his dad's problem and has little use for him now although he is very grateful for all his dad did for him over the years. My husband was a great father and does love his son very much. It's very sad. Hubby doesn't see this. He calims he is a "heavy" drinker but definitely NOT an alcoholic....Says he can quit anytime he wants, just won't because as he says, "I need it to relax" in the evening and I like it... Give me a break, he is retired.....what does he need to relax from, golf and tennis? :D

Please keep in touch.

Hershey and Camryn...How are you gals doing?

04-01-2008, 10:32 PM
Hello Stitcher317,
Well I appreciate your reply but so far I have not followed through on Alanon, I still need to so badly. My husband also drinks mostly at night and I am his babysitter as well, I hate that, I enough to take care without worrying about him too but I do.
Unfortunately my husband owns guns, we have a safe thanks to me but when he's drinking he gets extremely careless. Last night he brought one up from the basement and put in in my sons bedroom and forgot about it, I found it and threatened to sell them if it were to happen again, well needless to say that didn't go over too well. And then about a month ago, a loose bullet fell out of his file cabinet and shot off going through three walls in the basement, thank god my children were not injured or killed. This is just one of many situations I have myself in. I want to leave him so bad but every once in awhile he gives me hope, I know deep down it's not enough. My children are growing up and see what's going on, they know he has a problem, they can see it when he stumbles into walls, it's such a shame because he loves them so much but doesn't know how to be a father without his beer. I get the reason of having to relax too, that he is naturally a stressful person and this is the only way he can manage. I am scared for the children, I know this is not a healthy situation, they love him so much, he's great when he's straight and wants to play when he's drunk, they love that part. It's when it starts to affect me is when it starts to affect them, if I were only blind maybe this would work. I know what I need to do but I keep holding off waiting for a miracle. Sometimes I wish that he would get a DWI or something like that to wake him up, but his luck is too good. I will try again to seek help for myself, sometimes I am better at giving advice than living it out. You would think I would be stronger than this. I now financially I would be ok, that's with his support, I just have to figure this out and fast. The kids will be out of school the end of May, I have until then.
Please write back.

04-02-2008, 07:36 PM
WOW - Wisteria.....You do have some issues that need to be addressed and soon. If the children get sight of these guns, find them around the house, loaded or not and talk about this to friends, as children will do, you guys will be in deep trouble if anyone from a child welfare department finds out. Your children telling a friend and they in turn telling their Mom and Dad, well you can figure out the rest. This would scare the bejesus out of me. Having the guns locked up is one thing but your hubby obviously has access to them. Can you get them out of the house in a safe, away from him? Also, do you trust him when he is drunk? God only knows he loves his children immensly but none of this semms to matter when they are under the influence.

My husband has hunting rifles and I have hidden them. He could find them but not when he's drunk. My husbnad has a real nasty streak in him and again that is one of the reasons I stay. I don't trust him at all....I can control him pretty easily by not getting in his face. The biggest problem with this is that I internalize everything and this is affecting my health. I am depressed, anxious and feel sick 24/7. Fortunately, we have 2 homes and if necessary, I can escape to the one not in use. I also have a very supportive sister and brother-in-law that I can go to. (We spend the summer in the NE and winter in Fla. which puts a lot of distance between us in a crisis.)

I wish I could offer more advice to you sweetie. I think you might need some professional advice regarding the gun issue and how to address this safely. The LAST thing you need is for a regulating agency to find out what's going on and acuse both of you of endangering your precious children....

PLEASE keep in touch, daily if you can. Have you set aside a sum of money you can use to get away? Do you have a place to go and a plan of action should things get ugly? You need to think first of the safty of the kids....accidents happen so fast......professionals know who to help children through these difficult times.

Please be calm and think this through carefully. I am praying for you.....:angel:

04-03-2008, 04:58 AM
I haven't thought of the child services getting involved but now that you mention it, I will be vigilant to take a different approach. I am in the works for my plan of action, at this point I have no money saved but I think my family would house me until I had enough to rent a place. Life can be so hard and I feel for you too. We both feel like we are the ones keeping them alive and that is allot of responsibility to take on at any age. I am so sad and angry at the same time, I am not handling it like I would like to, I am starting to call him a drunk to his face now and constantly trying to come up with new plans for him to tapper. He's a fireman so he has so much time on his hands. He has four days off in a row, I dread those days and the weekends so much, especially in the warm season. I am going to call and make an appointment today to see a counselor, something other than Alanon, one on one, not sure what good it will do, but I feel like I'm about ready to crack and I need to stay stable for my kids, I am really all they have at the end of the day.
If I had a second home that's where I would be for good, I play the lottery every week so if I hit the jack pot I will be gone and forgotten.
Anyway, thanks for the insight and the information on the gun safety, I will take this very serious as for I don't want to loose my kids to his negligence, I think I hate him.

04-03-2008, 07:37 PM
Hi Wis -

Everything you are feeling, I have felt. Long ago I wrote my hubby a letter (never gave it to him because I was afraid of him) but in it I mentioned how sad all this was and how much I hated this disease. I tried to make him understand that I loved him but hated the problem.

I am happy you are going talk with someone. I've been there and done that as well. When I told hubby I was going, he laughed at me and complained about how much it must be costing...I finally gave up one summer night when he was in real bad shape and we had an argument. We were sitting out on our deck in front of the house and he yelled and screamed obcentities you wouldn't imagine. He proceeded to corner me on the floor with his fist poised over my head threatening to "put out my lights" if I didn't shut the ___ up! That was a defining moment in our marriage. I have never looked at him the same since. I went to a lawyer the very next day. In the end, I stay because of our ages, 66 & 69 and I don't have the emotional energy to start over....Financially we are better off this way, we just lead totally separate lives. It is sad.....If I had any sense, I would have left years ago when our son was in middle school. He is now 29! I also worked with my husband so leaving was near impossible.

The behaviors I have mentioned are so typical of alcoholics. It never gets easier or better unless they address the addiction and get help. My husband doesn't get that his marriage is a train wreck and all because of him and booze. He only admitts to being a heavy drinker and claims he can quit anytime....ha, it can't happen.... BTW - he is stone sober during the day and his golfing and tennis buddies would never believe what goes on behind closed doors.....he is a master at hiding it.....

Enough about my issues. Please confide with your councellor about the gun issue and try to hide them so your husband can't get to them...how about locking them up in a portable safe away from the kids. They should be your your main focus.

Please let us know what plans you are making and how things are progressing for you.

Be safe and happy.

04-04-2008, 05:54 PM
Thank you once again for your wise words of wisdom. Does your son live close by? Have you ever thought about a secret lover/friend? Someone you can have all those good times you need and deserve? I am 44, my mother is 63, I look at her and don't see her as being old or and the end of the road. I guess financial it is more comfortable to stay the way you are but do you have to have sex with him?
Just wondering. I can barley bring myself to do that anymore because of the unattractiveness alcohol possesses for me, I hate the look it gives him and the way he carries himself, I never in my life time thought I would end up like this. I have not had an affair but wish he would sometimes, wish he would just leave for another fellow drunk, because I can't see anyone else putting up with it. I am getting old fast, I can feel it in my spirit and see it in the mirror. I am sleep deprived and depressed. There has to be away out before it's too late. It's a good thing you can get away, can't you just live at your second house so that you don't have to see him? Are you religious? I am not and wonder if I should be.
Write back soon, I am starting to ramble.

04-05-2008, 08:38 AM
Good Morning Wis,

You are going through what I have been experienceing for years and years.

My son lives about 2 hrs away when I am in Fla. He travels for a living and is away for 2-4 days at a time so I don't get to see him often. We are close and I talk with him almost daily. He understands my issues with his Dad's drinking but I don't confide my most private thoughts about it to him. He is his father and he has been an excellent provider. My husbands drinking has not affected our standard of living. One fear I have is that all the alcoholism in our family might some day cause a problem for my son. He drinks socially and some of the college stories I've heard are quite scary...:D but, he is out of college now and I hope and pray those days are behind him. I am just so aware of the genetic potential....

I don't have a "lover" nor will I ever even remotely consider one! Do I miss the intimacy, yes, but I don't believe I could handle the lies and deceit an affair would create. I have tried to explain to my husband what a total turnoff his drinking is to me and he doesn't get it. He is a very attractive man but ungly as sin when he drinks. Even though he wakes up sober, the vision of his appearance and actions from the evening are too vivid in my mind. I just can't get past it. Some women can. Not to mention the horrible odor alcohol has on his breath. We maintain separate bedrooms and sleeping schedules. He sometimes falls asleep while eating his diner! Disgusting! :mad: Fortunately for me, I can entertain myself quite well. I read a lot, I walk and I love to quilt. I have many girlfriends here in Fla that have become like sisters to me and we have a great time together. They are my emotional support. Not quite the same up north but I do manange. I don't need to be entertained.

I, too, feel as though I have lost my "spirit". Living with this day in and day out for all these years does distroy your spirit. It's on my mind 24/7. I know I am suffering from depression and I have talked with Dr's regarding medication for it. Basically I refuse to take mind altering drugs that have significant side affects for something that ISN"T my fault. I understand the theory regarding reduced seratonin levels as we age and being less able to cope but I just won't take them. My depression levels are nil when I am busy and out with my friends. While I tend to "**** and moan" a lot about this, I do have the freedom to do whatever I please. I can travel anywhere in the world FREE if I choose. I just don't want to do it alone. My husband doesn't put any restrictions on my freedom. I guess that is a gift. (Probably a trade off for leaving him alone!) I feel for you with small children to care for. That doesn't make it easy for you. Wis, do you have a job you can put some positive energy toward? Isn't it amazing that being the child or spouse of an alcholic distroys OUR self esteem? Why is that? Do you supposed WE are carrying the guilt somehow feeling responsible for THEIR problem? Interesting.
I have never lived in a home without an alcoholic. My parents and now my husband...My brother died from it 5 years ago and my sister is a recovering alcoholic. I think I've paid my dues in that department. One day, when I gather my intestional fortitude, I am going to say "Now, I've had enough" and simply exit stage left......where I go and what I'll do, I have no clue but I am secretly planning for that day......all I need is an "event" to trigger this...I have promised myself and my sister that the next time my husband gets physical or threatens me, I am gone.

Now - tell me, Wis ....what have you done about the children and the guns? Have you talked with a counsellor yet? Do you have family near you? Do you have plan in place? How can anyone on this Board help at this time?

Be safe and be happy,

04-05-2008, 08:19 PM
Your stories are so familiar. My husband and I have been married for 33 years.My husband has been an alcololic since he was 21, which would be about 29 years. The impact it has on the children is immense. I was to scared to leave and start a new life. And believe me they saw things no child should have to see. I remember one drunken night he held me over the banister during an argument, and my 10 year old son ran down to catch me if I should fall. How awful is that? We got married in our late teens, and I loved him so much, I felt the way he was acting was not really him, it was because of the booze. I felt in my heart he would get well, and things would better, I just had to "pray and be patient". It was like a roller coaster. He had his good days and bad days. People warned me, that I should leave, but with 3 children, I guess I felt there was no way out. I wanted to make sure my children had a home and and the basic neccesities. I did not look at the big picture, the overall effects on not only the children, but me,too. Now that my children are older, one suffers from a chemical imbalance and should be on medication, another has anger issues, and the other one needs to watch her alcohol consumption. And, out of anger and frustration, I think I also made some bad decisions in my life as well. It really truly is a family disease.

04-05-2008, 10:32 PM
I would give him one more chance. If starts it again I would leave him. When I was a kid my dad would drink heavily. He was awesome guy when sober but when he would drink it was horrific. He needs to do something now or its gonna affect your little one's. I used to hate crying every other night bc my dad would get drunk and fight with my mom about things i didnt understand. My dad waited to long and got hepatitis from drinking to much and passed away when i was 13. God bess him! Talk about screwing up my head... Im just now seeking help for the depression ive had for 10 years. Trust me dont let it get that bad you will regret it. Ive never seen my mother happier with her new husband that ive maybr seen drink like a total of 5 times in the 7 years ive know him.
I hope the best for you and you husband :) P

04-07-2008, 12:06 PM
I feel guilty using Hershey Kisses original post to communicate with you, would you go to my thread, it's called "MY LIFE WITH BUSCH BEER, HELP ME"! I need to communicate with you more soon please.
Thank you,