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wisteria63
03-18-2008, 02:20 AM
I need help. My husband of 11 years has become the man I never wanted. We have two beautiful children that are both doing very well in school and achieving all honors, they are only 7 and 9, and I am so scared for them right now because I can't handle my husbands drinking habits and he told me tonight that he wants a divorce because of the way I handle his drinking habits. He drinks a minimum of 12 to 14 beers a day. He doesn't get violent and holds down a job, but I can't stand the fact that I can't have a relationship with him without it. We came up with a plan that he wouldn't drink two days out of 7 and his reward would be sex with me, well that hasn't worked yet. I can't bare to lay down with him any more because he is always drinking, he on the other hand can do it I think with anyone when he's like that. My standards and morals are completely different than his and that fact that he's a man and I woman might have something to do with that too. Anyway, he is just coming off another addiction that he finally admitted to and that was pain pills, for the past five years he has been living a double life and I always knew something was up, finding empty pill bottles every where with the labels torn off. We just spent over a thousand dollars that we didn't have for his recovery, well he's replacing it now with beer, 12 to 14 a day, everyday. It's expensive and uninviting to me. Because I am having a problem with all of this it has affected my sex drive (love) for him he needs s nd I can't give it and now he wants a divorce because I am not doing something that I don't feel comfortable doing. I have asked him to give me uple sober days once in awhile and maybe that would help but he refuses to do that, he can't. I don't know what to do, my children adore him and see no wrong in him because he never gets violent and acts like a kid when he drinks, a big toy to play with while I clean the house. I feel so alone and unloved by him. he has spent so much money on himself as well. We don't even have a savings account but yet he always manages to but leather jackets, boots, watches, knives, guns, fishing equipment, etc.... He always rewarding himself, I am lucky if I get a card on my birthday.
I could go further but I am tired and need input from someone else right now, please tell me what I should do. Sorry for the spelling erros.

SpinalMalady
03-18-2008, 05:14 AM
Hi Wisteria:

I just wanted to tell you that I can empathize with what you are going through. I lost a brother at the age of 33 to alcohol. And it was NOT because of a car crash, or something similar...it was due to chirosis of the liver. :( He was also a functional alcoholic, meaning he held a job, till the last couple of years of his life.

Have you tried Al-Anon? It was a giant help for my family and I (and I am the baby of seven). My entire family went through counseling in order to try to do whatever it took to save my brother. Unfortunately, the disease was bigger than he was.

I watched him literally put my father to an early death, and age my mother prematurely simply from the stress. I watched his children take another man's name through adoption when their mother re-married later in life! OUCH, that so hurt.

Here's the kicker. The only thing he EVER drank was BEER. Never wine or hard liquor. In his mind it was justifiable, because it wasn't the "hard stuff", therefore, he must not have a problem. The first time he tried to stop on his own, he had a GRAND-MAL seizure. :eek:

What you have to decide is what YOU want to do with your life and for the children. It's tough to decide to throw away a marriage, but if it is for both of your betterment, then so be it. It may be a wake up call to him to see he lost something he treasures becuase of alcohol. Then again, he may not. Right now he's playing the blame game. It's YOUR fault that YOU can't handle his drinking. Don't let him get away with that. Don't let yourself feel guilty over that type of thinking. You have a right to a safe, healthy environment for both yourself and your children.

It took me a VERY long time to process the fact that it was HIS (my brother's) problem with alcohol and not mine. I did not/would not touch the stuff for three years after his death thinking I would BECOME that person.

Good luck to you. Do what YOU need to do for self preservation, and don't spend one second feeling guilty for it. I will say a prayer for your husband, but more importantly for you and the children that you can do whatever it is that you need to do to move forward in recovery.

God Bless.

happy29
03-18-2008, 08:37 AM
Wiseteria63,
Have you tried talking to him when he's sober? I'm not sure how long this beer drinking binge has been going on, but there is hope that he can recognize it as a problem based on the fact that he once recognized he had a problem with pills. If he holds a job, he must be sober at work right? Can you send him the link to your post on the message boards while he's at work?
He might get angry, or think that none of us know the "whole story" bc we only read your side of it, but that will just be the addiction talking. Somewhere inside of him he knows he has an addictive personality.
You've already been through a lot with him. You've stayed by his side through some rough times. But, when I heard you say "I'm lucky if I even get a birthday card from him." , my heart really hurt for you. At some point, and I"m not sure when that will be for you, you have to be your own best friend, and do what is right for you. You can try your best to open his eyes, but after that you have to come to learn, that like the other post said...it's not you, or your issue with alcohol, its his. Alanon could really be great for you. Remember that you are worth way more than even a birthday card, and you have rights. You do not have to go to bed with him when he's drunk, you do not have to blame yourself for these problems in the relationship. I wish you luck and I will pray for you and your husband.

wisteria63
03-18-2008, 04:26 PM
Thank you so much for your very intelligent information, I suddenly don't feel alone, I appreciate your time, now do you have a magic wand?
Wisteria63 :)

wisteria63
03-18-2008, 04:29 PM
Thank you so much for reading my profile, I am going to look into Alanon, I need positive people, with no beer breath.
Thank you again,
Wisteria63

wisteria63
03-18-2008, 04:32 PM
I also am very sorry for the death of your brother, it's hard to understand how a substance can take over your life and will power, I was blessed not to have that in my DNA, how I was missed I am not sure, everyone in my family does something to keep them going through life, all I need are my children and hopefully a sober husband someday.
Thanks again,
Wisteria

SpinalMalady
03-19-2008, 04:33 PM
I also am very sorry for the death of your brother,
Wisteria


Thank you so much Wisteria. God Bless and much luck to you. You definitely have been in my prayers.

maggieloop
03-19-2008, 10:21 PM
I am so sorry to read of your problems. While I haven't experienced this with a spouse, my dad was the same way your husband is (sans pills). When we were little, he was never violent, but as the years progressed he started to become a mean drunk and my sister and I hated to have friends over, didn't do well in school anymore, etc...

The advice of alanon is good. My mom went to the meetings a lot when we were teens, but we refused to go to any counseling, we had just wanted to block out our problems and not admit them to anyone.

Your husband may not be violent now, but I'd look ahead and you not only have to think of yourself, but of your children. I would try talking to him again when he was sober and give him an ultimatum if need be.

Good luck, this situation can never be easy.

Maggie

wisteria63
03-20-2008, 05:03 AM
Thank you so much for your reply. I am definitely going to check out Alanon, I need friends and advise right now more than ever, I need to keep my myself and my children sain some how. I hope your life is good for you now, you deserve to be happy like anyone else. I am so glad that I have found this message board, this will help me tremendously.
God Bless you too.
Wisteria63

maggieloop
03-20-2008, 11:23 PM
We are doing well now. Many years ago my mom gave my dad the ultimatum and she followed through. He wouldn't stop drinking, so she moved out and got her own apartment. She stayed gone for a little over a year, but they talked through a lot of things and before she moved back, he stopped the drinking. Our family dynamic was also effected by my fathers service as a United States Marine who served in heavy combat in Vietnam. He has a lot of ghosts and demons that haunt him to this day and that contributed to his drinking.

He finally went into a PTSD intreatment program at the local VA and is doing a lot better. A lot of his problems were because of depression and he is now on a lot of medications (some for PTSD and others for the many neck, back and shoulder surgeries he had since retiring) and he is also not drinking because of the medications. My sister and I still joke (we can laugh about it now) about coming home late from a party during high school and being met by a dark house and a figure at the top of the stairs with a rifle asking "friend or foe". I know it's not a joking matter, but we know now that it was part of his disease.

I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that it can get better, but you may need to be the one to make the first move, he won't do anything about his drinking until he can admit that he is the one with the problem.

Have a good night!

Maggie

wisteria63
03-22-2008, 06:40 AM
Yes, I think I will have to make the first move but I am not sure if that will help him, but it might my children and I. He has told me in the past that if I weren't around to complain that he would do more of what he's doing because he enjoys it and doesn't think it's wrong. It is a nightmare everyday that I come home from work. Sure dinner is made for the children but I don't have a relationship with him at all any more. He says I have changed and he hasn't, that he is the man that he was when I met him, I don't recall that, if I knew what I know now I would have never gotten myself into this. Now it's not just me any more that I have to think about and care for. I am running out of time and patients, I am giving it until the end of this school year and I plan to tell him this tonight. I don't think he will ever stop unless something horrible happens and me leaving is not horrible, it's freedom for him.
We will see I guess.
Thank you for being there for me. I am so glad that you are doing better. How did it affect you when your Mom left your Dad as a child? Were you upset and mad at your Mom?
Wisteris63

maggieloop
03-22-2008, 08:19 AM
Good luck with your talk with your husband about this. You and your kids needs are important also and you can't take a backseat and be miserable just because he won't admit that there is a problem. From what you've told me, it sounds like he may be in denial about his drinking.

My mom didn't leave when we were kids, but how would've it effected us? That I can't say for sure, but I do know that we wish she would have left him so that we all would've been happier and not so scared to be around him. As a parent, it's your job to take care of your children and if you think that his drinking is going to effect them and feel that you need to make some changes, then do it. If you do end up leaving, you should be as honest as possible about things and explain why you are doing it. Nothing is ever easy on kids, but they are quite resilient.

Keep us posted. Happy Easter!

wisteria63
03-23-2008, 05:17 AM
Happy Easter to you as well. The talk didn't go over too well. Last night was one of his worse drunks, the kids were scared because he was walking into walls and all along trying to make them laugh. He told me he will try but not until next week, it's a horrible thing for ANYONE to go through, I will figure it out somehow.
Thanks again,
Wisteria63

diamondgirl19
03-23-2008, 06:51 AM
Is there any place that you and your kids can go until next week (when he starts trying)? If you have a family member you can stay with, I would pack up the kids and disappear until he starts trying to take control of his life. There is no reason why you and your children should be subject to his behavior. By leaving, you are sending a message to him that you aren't going to stick around and watch him destroy himself and the family you have created together. You owe this to your kids to not expose them to a drunk man that is frightening them.

If you can't leave, you need to find a way to make him realize how imperative it is for him to stop drinking or he could be destroying his family.

I know this is easier said than done but you are in a very dangerous situation for yourself and your kids. I wish you much luck.

wisteria63
03-23-2008, 01:08 PM
Thank you, I thought of that too but came up with nothing. I will comeout of the this hell hole somehow.
Thank you,
Wisteria63

Angiejr2
03-23-2008, 02:30 PM
Hi Wisteria--
I have been following your posts with a heavy heart.....for I am an alcoholic and this disease has put my family thru hell. I can tell you one thing, he has got to want to quit, you can't make him. Even if you leave, that will be giving him permission to drink all he wants because he hasn't hit his bottom yet. It will progress so badly (as it sounds like it is heading deeply that way) that you may just come home to a dead husband. I am not trying to scare, this is a deadly disease and it will kill him. He is in his own private hell, beleive me. The next time he gets that drunk call 911---tell them that you are in fear of situation, maybe they will put him in jail, and maybe then that will be his bottom. Harsh I know--but sounds like it is going to take harsh.Maybe leaving some litature around the house also, or hand it to him about the seriousness of this.

Wishing you and your family peace,

~Angie

wisteria63
03-23-2008, 10:45 PM
I do believe every word you are telling me, how can I call the police though on him because he's drunk in his own home and not out on the road? I would love do to that but then what about the kids and the atmosphere that would put them in? He does get in the car sometimes though to run down to the store to get either more beer or fast food, maybe then I could do that. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through and I wish my kids weren't involved, then if he wanted to kill himself it wouldn't affect them. I feel like I am the one who is keeping him alive sometimes and I DO know that if I left it would mean destruction, but then how do I get out and create a happy life for all? Last night was a tuff one, he drank very heavy and then I found out he took two muscle relaxers with it, it was very scary for the kids to see him bouncing off the walls. I can't allow this much longer, I do know this. I have told him by the end of this school year if things aren't different I am gone but I don't think he his taking that serious. He has mentioned cutting back starting tomorrow, we will see how that turns out, he really needs to stop completely but the mention of that puts him in a frenzy.
Do you have any other info for me?
Thank you,
Wisteria63

maggieloop
03-23-2008, 11:02 PM
Your leaving will not be giving him permission to drink any more than he already does. To me, that statement sounds like the blame of anything that happens to him is going to be placed on you. IT WILL NOT BE PLACED ON YOU!! His drinking is his choice, not yours. Please do not be afraid to leave because you are concerned that he will be drinking even more. What he does is not in your control.

I am very proud of your decision to talk to him about your feelings and giving him an ultimatum that you are hopefully able to carry out if he doesn't realize that he has a problem. The only fault that can be placed on you is if you don't speak up for what you and your children need and you have already done that. I can only imagine how hard of a conversation that was.

I remember being so upset at my mom for not taking me and my sister away from my dads drinking, but she did what she thought was best at the time. You are in control of your life, not his. He is in control of his life and until he realizes there is a problem then you can't do anything. Also, I don't agree with calling 911 when he gets drunk the next time. Unfortunately, there won't be anything that the police will be able to do and the situation will likely get way worse when you have to be under the same roof with him after having the police come. If you feel that the situation is out of control, you need to find a place to go with the kids.

My only other words of advice now are to try and go about your normal routine and try to make the best of it until he makes the decision to quite the drinking. If you feel that you are in absolute danger, then by all means call 911, but I wouldn't go out of your way to add any fuel to the fire, if you know what I mean.

The baby has just woke up so I will be going for now, but keep us posted and let us know how things are. I'll send positive thoughts your way

Maggie

Angiejr2
03-24-2008, 06:23 AM
Wisteria--
By all means I wouldn't imply by leaving, the blame would be put on you if he drinks----no way did I mean that. I was telling you that because this is how an alcoholic brain thinks. He would have free reign to do as he please's, and yes it would be his choice, just as it is now. Is it your fault now? Absolutely not! I strongly feel you should not be the one to leave, that is your home that he is making very dangerous. With that being said, I am going to say something here that is very personal because you need to do what you must to get help with your situation. As far as calling 911 you absolutely can.....it was called on me when I was drunk in my own home :( My H told them he was in fear for himself, even tho I was not violent---I was drunk. (The kids were at ski club as this happened so they were not around thank God) Guess who they took to jail? Yep---me. The reasaon being, for 1- I was intoxicated--2- I refused to co-opperate with my H and they took that as threatening. My charge was disordely conduct. I stayed sober for 9 mos after that---got help, went to counseling, hundreds of AA meetings, I thought that was my bottom. I since relapsed 2 weeks ago, for 1 day-----it was hell, but I am back because I don't want to live like that anymore, that relapse was a reminder to me that I just don't want to go back to that nightmare. Your H needs a wake up call, he does not know how it feels to be sober for any length of time, so he continues his nightmare because he can. I say make a plan to have a safe place for your kids to go to, when you see he is in the 'getting waisted mode', send them to that safe place, then take action of help from the police. You have rights in your home, this is abuse to you and your kids---believe me I speak from experience. If the kids were there when this happens, yes it would cause more damage than good---plan a safe place. I can't beleive I am telling you to dial 911, when I was so damaged by that---but in retrospect, my H saved my life, and the happiness of our family's future. Please know I am only suggesting this to you from my experience of what worked for me, may not work for him, but then again it may be your way out of hell.

God Bless
~Angie


*this is my esh

wisteria63
03-24-2008, 03:01 PM
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your experiences with me, I know it has to be hard. I wish I could hug you. I am making plans for the future and hopefully it will be with him, but if he makes the decision to keep living the life that he has then I must go on, I am not young anymore, but not old either so I still have the energy to live and be happy with my children. When it comes to the police I think I might do it when the time is right, when I see him get in a car and drive. I think that might help. Anyway, thank you and keep strong. I am here for you as well.
Fight the demons with all your might!!!
Take care,
Wisteria63

wisteria63
03-24-2008, 03:14 PM
Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me, I am so happy I have others to write to, I dont feel alone. I do know I can't take the blame for his actions and I can't let that stop me from making wise desicions, I feel sorry for him and want to rescue him sometimes and then there's times that I want to slap him, up and down constantly with my emotions. When we had children my life changed for the better and I will never be the person I was before then, I think of them in everything that I do. My life belongs to them now and I must do what a Mother is supose to do and that is to guide them in the right direction and hope for the best. They love their Daddy so much and know him no other way than with a beer in his hand. Well, that is slowly changing because my son will be ten soon and is in tune with all is surroundings now and can tell when he has had to much and starts to worry, I can't have that anymore, I have made up my mind. My husband has agreed to make changes but I am not sure what that means yet, we will see.
Thank you again for your insight and take care of your baby, they are a gift to us, the most wonderful gift I have ever imagined.
I will write again soon to let you know what the week brings, please pray.
Wisteria63

oregon_guy
03-25-2008, 01:54 AM
Hi Wisteria,

I'm a recovering alcoholic. I destroyed my first marriage because of alcohol. I was always a happy drunk, but a drunk nonetheless. My exwife wanted a partner that would grow and mature along with her but I couldn't get past the booze to do it. Us alcoholics are stubborn people. The monkey on our back is a tenacious mother f#@!*er and rationalizing reasons to drink is a drunks daily diliberation.

I've been sober for almost two years now and I grieve for all the stupid things i did and for the time I wasted. In the "Big Book", the bible of AA, there is a section specifically dedicated to the spouse of an alcoholic. It may help you to read that, you can get it from any local AA meeting, they gave me mine at my first meeting (I also got a cool coin). It's also available to read online at http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/ . Your husband, if he will face himself, will find a connection in many of the stories written by alcoholics. I was amazed that my experiences mirrored those written in the book. I was always skeptical about AA, I mean what good could a bunch of cigarette smoking, coffee drinking, ex-drunks do for me. I wish I had gotten past my prejudices years ago. I've always been a loner (and I always drank alone), I've never really found a group of people I could relate to. But guess what? Those cigarette smoking, coffee drinking, ex drunks are "My People" They're just like me. For me it was an epiphany.

For me my rock bottom was the fear that my boys would follow in my staggering footsteps and the realization that the DT's, hangovers, and risk of seizures (I had a grand mal withdrawl seizure at the courthouse of all places, busted my head open when I dropped and bled all over the sidewalk) far outweighed the happy oblivion of inebriation. Like mentioned in previous posts, your husband has got to hit his rock bottom and "rock bottom" is where one decides to stop digging.

I dont know if it would help in your case but the best time to approach someone about becoming sober and talking to them about AA is when they are severely hungover and telling themselves that they are never going to drink that much again. Give him the "Big Book" and the time and location for the next AA meeting. If you think your husband would be receptive you could also enlist the help of a recovering alcoholic from the local meeting. Let him talk to your husband, he will share his story with your husband and wont ridicule or judge him but will show him that there is a way out. As recovering alcoholics we want and hope for opportunities to show fellow drunks that there is a way out. One more thing...my addiction counselor had me start taking Camphoral, an anti-addiction medicine. Google it to learn more about the medication. It really helped me. Sorry for the long post, I could go on for days. Good Luck. Let us know how it goes.

-Aaron

"When someone asks me if I'd like a drink I just tell them I can't because I break out in spots...Reno, Las Vegas, strange hotel rooms. But really, they don't have enough alcohol to make it worth my while" -Fellow AA Member

Angiejr2
03-25-2008, 08:50 AM
great Post Arron!!!

wisteria63
03-25-2008, 02:26 PM
Hi Wisteria,

I'm a recovering alcoholic. I destroyed my first marriage because of alcohol. I was always a happy drunk, but a drunk nonetheless. My exwife wanted a partner that would grow and mature along with her but I couldn't get past the booze to do it. Us alcoholics are stubborn people. The monkey on our back is a tenacious mother f#@!*er and rationalizing reasons to drink is a drunks daily diliberation.

I've been sober for almost two years now and I grieve for all the stupid things i did and for the time I wasted. In the "Big Book", the bible of AA, there is a section specifically dedicated to the spouse of an alcoholic. It may help you to read that, you can get it from any local AA meeting, they gave me mine at my first meeting (I also got a cool coin). It's also available to read online at http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/ . Your husband, if he will face himself, will find a connection in many of the stories written by alcoholics. I was amazed that my experiences mirrored those written in the book. I was always skeptical about AA, I mean what good could a bunch of cigarette smoking, coffee drinking, ex-drunks do for me. I wish I had gotten past my prejudices years ago. I've always been a loner (and I always drank alone), I've never really found a group of people I could relate to. But guess what? Those cigarette smoking, coffee drinking, ex drunks are "My People" They're just like me. For me it was an epiphany.

For me my rock bottom was the fear that my boys would follow in my staggering footsteps and the realization that the DT's, hangovers, and risk of seizures (I had a grand mal withdrawl seizure at the courthouse of all places, busted my head open when I dropped and bled all over the sidewalk) far outweighed the happy oblivion of inebriation. Like mentioned in previous posts, your husband has got to hit his rock bottom and "rock bottom" is where one decides to stop digging.

I don't know if it would help in your case but the best time to approach someone about becoming sober and talking to them about AA is when they are severely hungover and telling themselves that they are never going to drink that much again. Give him the "Big Book" and the time and location for the next AA meeting. If you think your husband would be receptive you could also enlist the help of a recovering alcoholic from the local meeting. Let him talk to your husband, he will share his story with your husband and wont ridicule or judge him but will show him that there is a way out. As recovering alcoholics we want and hope for opportunities to show fellow drunks that there is a way out. One more thing...my addiction counselor had me start taking Camphoral, an anti-addiction medicine. Google it to learn more about the medication. It really helped me. Sorry for the long post, I could go on for days. Good Luck. Let us know how it goes.

-Aaron

"When someone asks me if I'd like a drink I just tell them I can't because I break out in spots...Reno, Las Vegas, strange hotel rooms. But really, they don't have enough alcohol to make it worth my while" -Fellow AA Member

Thank you, he honestly doesn't think he has a problem big enough to make him stop yet. He has been mixing the beer now with pills from what I found out last SAT. he's done that before, I just thought the pill part of his life was over but it's not. We spent thousands to get him off pain pills and he still does it when he can. Now, I think he is using that as his main problem and wants to go to NA, not AA. I hope he does, but I can never tell when he is telling the truth any more. I think he tells me what I want to hear just to go another week hoping I will stay off his back. He is going to lose everything, except his job and his fellow drunk buddies. It's amazing how he can not drink at work but doesn't know when to stop at home. Some times I wonder if I am lucky to have a husband who just drinks at home and doesn't fool around, well, I think I would rather be celibate for the rest of my life than go through this much longer, I can't be intimate with him anymore because he's always drinking and it is such a turn off to me, he doesn't understand. He is constantly reminding me of how a great father he is, he works and cooks dinners when I work late. Am I really that lucky? I have nothing in common with him anymore, I grew up when I had my babies, he stayed the same but got worse as well. The only thing that will help me at this point I feel is to keep posting, go to Al-anon when I can and prepare for a life without him. I don't want it that way but he might not give me a choice. I hope and pray that he gets the help that he needs, for the children, for him and our marriage.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me.
Wisteria63

wisteria63
03-25-2008, 02:32 PM
Also, I know someone who has the BIG-BOOK and I will borrow it for awhile. Thank you so much for your insight and knowledge.
Wisteria63

oregon_guy
03-25-2008, 09:57 PM
Knowledge learned from the school of hard knocks...Story of my life. I understand how you feel. That's the way my ex-wife felt. It took me a long time to get over my bitterness and blame and realize that I was responsible for the dissolution of my marriage and to gain the empathy to see what I put her through. I've done what I could to make amends but it doesn't make up for 11 years being married to someone hiding from the world in a bottle (or can). I hope your husband realizes and comes to terms with his problem before its too late.

wisteria63
03-26-2008, 02:21 PM
Knowledge learned from the school of hard knocks...Story of my life. I understand how you feel. That's the way my ex-wife felt. It took me a long time to get over my bitterness and blame and realize that I was responsible for the dissolution of my marriage and to gain the empathy to see what I put her through. I've done what I could to make amends but it doesn't make up for 11 years being married to someone hiding from the world in a bottle (or can). I hope your husband realizes and comes to terms with his problem before its too late.

Thank you once again, we all deserve to be happy, especially the children.
Wisteria63

Stitcher317
04-07-2008, 07:37 PM
Hi Wis, How you doing today, Sweetpea?

I've been reading all the posts on this thread and what everyone is telling you is right on. Read them again and again until you feel comfortable with what you have to do for you and your wonderful children. It is NOT going to be easy but it's going to be so much better for your emotional health and that of your children. Please look into and take advantage of whatever counceling you can get in your area. Check out what's available through the abused women's network.

A book I found extremely helpful is titled "Co-Dependant No More" It's been around for many years and really put things into perspective for me. As I told you previously, I chose to stay, mainly because I didn't want to be the one that broke up our family. We only have one child. My son tells me one of his fondest memories growing up was Dad throwing a chicken carcus at me and hitting me in the head with it and I slipped and fell in the kitchen. Sounds sort of funny now but believe me this really impacted my son. I found a letter he wrote to himself in 5th grade. He wrote about how unhappy his Mom and Dad always were, the constant arguing, his Dad's drinking, etc. He ended it by saying he thought everything between us was HIS fault and he wrote, "I think I am driving my parents nuts"......I cried for days. He actually blamed himself for his Dad's problems. I never had the nerve to show the letter to by husband and keep that letter safely tucked away. PLEASE, PLEASE know this IS affecting your children. It makes no difference that he is funny with them and cooks dinner for them. As time goes on and they mature this IS going to change who they are as teens and young adults. If you talk with my son today, at age 29, this has affected him. He will not speak to his Dad on the phone after 4:30 in the afternoon nor will he ever go out to dinner with him because he makes a fool out of himself. It's just so sad. For that, I feel sorry for my husband but like I've said before, he just doesn't get it. He is missing so much.

What is your current status? The last entry on this thread was back in March. You have some very powerful statements from people who have been through this from the other side. Good bless Angie and Aaron for sharing their stories and insight. You've mentioned making some plans at the end of the school year. That's not far off. Rather than you leaving with the children, how about insisting that your husband move out until he can get his life back together again. Until you take a stand, he'll continue as he has. The best predictor of future behavoir is his past behavior. He IS an addict and an alcoholic and a genuine threat to you and your children. Have you considered the "child endangerment" slant on this? You might mention that to your husband and see what sort of reaction you get from him.

Now - from the previous thread - What's the current status in the gun department? Are they locked up and hidden from the children AND your husband?

Please update me as you can. I am here everyday for you, Wis..... Stay strong and committed....and PLEASE, PLEASE find a counselor to help you negotiate this difficult phase.....

maggieloop
04-07-2008, 11:38 PM
Stitcher, I read that book back in high school...it's been around a very long time (I read it senior year '88) and it did help.

Wisteria, I was also thinking about you the other day, but hadn't had a chance to post. I hope that all is well with you and that you and the kids are doing ok. Check in if you can, we'd like to know that all is ok.

Maggie

wisteria63
04-08-2008, 02:20 PM
Hello Stitcher317 and maggieloop,
I haven't written on my thread latley because I started on HERSHEYKISS'S thread, the gun sitution is under control, safley locked away and he promised me he wouldn't touch them while he was drinking, we will see, I will keep on top of that one for sure.
I can't write everyday like I would like to due to my husband being home every other day and four in a row. The only time I have is when I am at work or very late at night after he has gone to bed. He did find one of my post that I left in the history search, I have learned to erase all my searches now.
The end of the school year is rapidly approaching and I can't stay in the house without my husband due to it being to expensivce, we would have to put the house on the market, split the profit and rent an apartment or house. I know this all seems like a fairytale to me but the realty is a nightmare. I just feel so sorry for my kids. I come from a broken home, 4 stepfathers as a matter of fact, it was no fun but I survived and I know they will too. The main reason for wanting to leave this sitution is I am not helping him in anyway, I have so much hate towards him now. I don't want the kids to see and feel this constantly, at least if we lived apart I wouldn't see him drunk all the time and expressing my feeling in front of the kids. Sometimes I feel I am the problem because I can't hold a blind eye to all of this but I can't and wont. I want more than this and if living without him is the answer I will be ok. He has told me he will cut back on drinking, well he tried one week, he actually didn't drink two days out of 7 but didn't do it the week after due to union meetings and work related stuff, they all drink where he works, it's like part of the job when they are off the job kind of thing, he's very social and is climbing the political ladder with the fire dept. so I can't see his drinking getting any better any time soon. There is an Alanon meeting I plan on attending as soon as I can on Monday nights. The only time I can is when he is off work to be with kids, I don't have family members close to home to help me out with babysitting.
Anyway, I feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting nowhere, he's out of town all this week so I will get a nice break with the kids. I will keep in touch.
Thanks to all who have written, I wish I could give a hug.
Wsteria63

Stitcher317
04-08-2008, 03:00 PM
Hi Wis,

Sounds like you are having a somewhat good week with your hubby gone.

Please take this time to pick up the book I mentioned, "Co-Dependant No More" There is also a second book out written by the same author. Everything she writes about describes your situation. The book will clarify your position and help you manage and sort out your responses to him. It will help you deal with the guilt you are feeling, etc. At the end of the day, you and your children need to come out of this situation as whole people without all the baggage alcoholism can inflict on innocent family members.

Consider asking your husband to stand up like a man, get into treatment for however long it takes and come back to the family as a whole person...it won't be easy for either of you. Maybe you can move in with your family, get a second job, do whatever it takes.....don't sell out like I did. Eventually this situation takes a toll on your mental, emotional and physical health. Your children need all of you and your energy.

I sound like I am on a soapbox, preaching to you, Wis and I truly don't mean to, but Ive been where you are and it doesn't get better, only worse. As I sit here typing, it's 5:49 pm and my husband is on his 3rd vodka. I cringe when I hear the ice cubes go into the glass. Our son came in last night on a layover but made sure he left this afternoon before the bottle came out....He has no patience with it. He never says anything to his Dad anymore, he just walks away. I lose out because he had one more day before his next trip....his girlfriend also met him here and he doesn't want her to witness his behavior. So, you see, it just goes on and on.....

I wish you peace now that you have a few days to yourself. Be happy, Sunshine.....:angel:

wisteria63
04-09-2008, 02:46 PM
Hello Stitcher317,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my threads.
I am enjoying the stress free life while he is gone. I know what you mean about the ice hitting the glass and cringing, that's how I feel when I hear the beer can pop open, one about every 15 minutes. I dread the summers because he's in full force then. I have decided to make a stand and get some help, be it books, therapy or the health-board, which I have found to be a life saver for me so far, the only bad thing is I wish I could meet these strangers that care so much for written words. When I am all better (because I am sick too) I want to be able to help others like you have me. Right now I feel helpless to give advise to others because I haven't followed through on mine yet and still live in hell. When my husband comes back I will have another talk with him, before he starts drinking and tell him how serious this has become for me and the actions I plan to take if things don't change, the problem is though, "What is Change"? Is it cutting back, drinking moderately or not at all? He will never go for that, never, until something horrible happens I guess and then maybe not. So, I am not sure what to expect or what to ask from him. He always drinks at home because it's cheaper, I wish he didn't, at least we wouldn't witness the transformation every night, but I guess he's smart enough to know that drinking and driving doesn't mix well so he doesn't leave the house unless it's right down the road to the local Chinese place to finish off his night, it's pretty disgusting to see him eat after 12 beers, he looks like a monster, another thing that turns my stomach about him.
Anyway, what would you expect or say to him if you were me? I don't know what it is like to need a substance of any kind, I don't smoke, I can hardly take a pill for any reason and I know I can't drink like he does because I would black out. I used to drink with him in the past before I became a mother, but nothing like he does. He does drink more now than he has 12 years ago, replacing beer instead off pain pills, but I do think that he still does the pills from time to time, mainly because he has told me, I witnessed it not too long ago when he passed out at the table, he claims he doesn't anymore but I can never believe a word , pretty sad.
Anyway, tell me what you would do if you can?
Have a good night and thanks again,
Wisteria63

Stitcher317
04-09-2008, 07:39 PM
Hi Wis,

WOW - that's a big order. Me advising you, when I was too chicken and insecure to stand up to my husband. Remember though, I was managing my husband's practice and couldn't just walk out. (Yes, he was a Dr. Retired now) Maybe his profession gives you an idea of how arogant he can be about this. He, of course, claims to "know it all" about addiction etc. and denies that he has a problem. Right!

If I had a daughter or sister in your situation I would welcome her and the kids into my home, no questions asked. I would strongly recommend getting into counseling, immediately. Maybe attend a few Al-Anon meetings for recommendations of various service agencies available to assist you. Talk with your pastor if you are comfortable doing so. I would also start putting aside some money you can use as an emergency fund in case you have to leave the house.

Another suggestion would be for you to video tape your husband in all his glory when he is drunk and disorderly. Show it to him when he is sober. That just may turn on a few lightbulbs in his mind. It did for the actor David Hasselhoff. His daughter video taped him trying to eat a sandwich and it was rivoting and disgusting! He sobered up REAL fast after that.....

Have you considered an "intervention" with a gathering of his friends or relatives that care deeply for your husband? He just might listen to them if he realizes they know of his problems. You'll need to have information readily available for him regarding treatment facilities or outpatient programs available. Perhaps your family Dr can give you some information.

I think if you make your plan, whatever that may be, you need to spell it out to your husband. Perhaps give him a timeline of your plans. Once you make your plans and announce them to him, the only way he will respect you is for you to follow through. Do any of his coworkers know of his drinking? Maybe you can get some help from them as well.

I try to remember that alcoholism is a disease and it can't be easy to just wake up one morning and give up an addiction that has such a strong hold on you. For this, he needs major help. Medical, psychological and social help. If he knows you will stand strong with him and help him any way you can, he may do it but you have to tell him there is no turning back. He has to make a steady concentrated effort to beat this or you will take the children and leave. It isn't fair for them to grow up watching this disease distroy their Dad, their parents marriage, etc.

Remember, Wis, he is doing this because he can.......by not taking a stand with him over this you are enabling him to continue.....Please pick up the book on co-dependency. That's a start.....

Be strong. Let me know how you are doing but PLEASE do something soon. Put the wheels in motion with counseling, etc.....

:) Have a great day......

wisteria63
04-11-2008, 03:24 AM
Hello Stitcher317,
Thank you for your advice, I know it was allot to ask from you but I take your words as wise wisdom.
It sure has been nice not having him around this week but back to the can today, the kids sure did miss him, they adore him, he's their playmate, fun, fun, fun!
I am going to the book store today and a friend also gave me the 12 step book for AA, I will read it.
I can not get support from any of his coworkers or family, they all have the same disease, some in different forms, he, as well as I are surrounded, but that is who he chooses to share company with, fellow drinkers that don't hassle each other. His father was an alcoholic as well and his mother, brother and sister, it would take a huge miracle for him not to be.
I am preparing, money will be a problem at first but I can stay with my Mom if I have to for a short time.
He and I have had conversation after conversation on how things should change, he knows I am not happy with this marriage, I shouldn't have to say anymore, all I can do now is wait and take action to make myself and my children healthy, I just hope I am doing the right thing, I feel that I am, I'm just worried about the kids hating me, hopeful they will understand someday.
They will still see him every week, several days out of it, so it wouldn't be too bad, I would never deny them to see one another unless I thought he was putting their life in danger.
Thank you again, I will keep in touch and let you know my progress.
Wisteria63

Stitcher317
04-11-2008, 11:17 AM
Hi Wis,

You DO have a plan now and that's wonderful. I didn't realize there was a history of addiction in your husband's family. That's a hard nut to crack. I worry about my son as well. He is only 29 but does see what has happened in our family. Both his grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.....Perhaps it will skip his generation. I have never had a problem with alcohol and don't drink or smoke. I do however, have major anxiety issues. Is this a trade off, don't know....

I know you are very concerned about the effect a separation will have on the children. A good child psychologist can assist you and the children in that regard. Perhaps explaining to them that this is a temporary situation, that Dad is not feeling well and has to get better....for the older boy, maybe the truth is best. I am sure he can sense what is happening. Smelling the beer, witnessing your fighting, etc.

Another thought....you can do what I chose to do. Make a life without him but within the structure of your family until you can get out on your own. I don't know if there is an age when children respond better to parents separating. I know for me, at my age, I just do my thing... this was recommended to me by a family counselor I talked with years ago. She explained that it's really OK to just co-habitate and lead separate lives. Not sure you would be comfortable with the lack of intimacy and support at your age. Believe, me at age 66 I know I would NOT be looking to be married again.....I cherish my freedom, independance and friends. The only thing that holds me back are my anxieties, and I am working on that....:D slowly! I always wonder whether the alcohol issues in my family caused this lack of esteem and insecurity. In retrospect, I am probably not as bad as I think. I do travel back and forth from Fla to the NE alone whenever I choose. I have no problem staying by my myself or getting in the car and driving to visit my son or sister who live several hrs away and I am definitely not agorophobic. Neurotic may be a better word. ;) I know your decisions are harder because of your children and I applaud your concern. Just be deligent and take care of you as well. You deserve better than this.....Don't sell out and let your husband's drinking ruin the rest of your life.....

Please update us when you can, Wis. I think about you every day.....

reachout
04-11-2008, 03:11 PM
Wisteria

"What is Change"? Is it cutting back, drinking moderately or not at all? He will never go for that, never, until something horrible happens I guess and then maybe not. So, I am not sure what to expect or what to ask from him.

Good Lord, Sweetheart.... you are still allowing yourself to play the game by his rules! What is it that you expect? Stop worrying about what his boundaries are and set up your own. "To thine own self be true"... these words must come into play for both you and your hubby as individuals. He needs to understand what he must do to make this family succesful, you need to understand the same.

It seems to me that the expectation needs to be abstinence period. He will never go for 'none at all'? Then if that is the case, he is an alcoholic, in case you had any doubt left. He is not in a position to 'be in charge and calling the shots;' that is your position at this point. Some responsibility needs to be taken here for the family and, quite frankly, Hubby's thinking is just not up to the job. Yours is, so the burden is going to fall on you to make a stand, mean what you say, and follow through if he does not stay within the boundaries you set.

Wisteria... the Big Book is a wonderful book, but I do not believe that it is the book to help you right now. Hubby needs that book. I would agree with a book for you such as the one Stitcher has suggested. Also, I would strongly urge you to get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. It is there that you will find live, 3-D people in your same position who can offer first hand advice and share with you. They can so help you to understand the boundaries that need to be set and be such a source of comfort to you. Please, please do this.

I wish you well in what I know is a hard spot to be in.
reach

Stitcher317
04-12-2008, 10:57 AM
Hello Reach,

Wow, you explained this so well to Wis. I wish I had had the opportunity for a Board like this 15 years ago. I would been in a differeent place right now. Lucky for me that our son is grown and on his own with a fantastic career. The family dynamic isn't so much of an issue for me right now. I just try to stay strong and take care of myself....As I mentioned, too, my husband doesn't put any pressure on me to change my lifestyle for him. He has gotten physical in the past but nothing in the last 2-3 years. But, I have DEFINITELY decided that if he does threaten me again, I am gone. Since I handle the financial matters in the family I have been able to restructure accounts so that I won't be in such a financial bind if I do leave. I promised my sister ;) and my son is old enough now to handle this if anything errupts in the future.

I am happy Wis has us to "sound off" to. She needs support. Let's be available for her.....

Have a great day.....

Hi Wis. How is your day going, Sweetpea?

wisteria63
04-14-2008, 02:48 PM
Hello Stitcher317,
I'm ok, looking forward to having some time for Alanon, it's so hard with his schedule, he works 24 hour shifts every other day and the night I need is on Mondays. So the next Monday that's open I am there. He hit it hard again last night, that was suppose to be one of the nights that he didn't but he said he will switch last night for tomorrow, I'm tired.
Anyway, I found out that he was trying to get a prescription for sleeping pills, probably to take them with the beer, he loves to mix, very dangerous, he knows this, he's fireman/medic, his mother does the same thing, has a glass of wine with a pill before bed, that's too scary.
I know I am not perfect and I hope I am not presenting myself as so, but I try so hard to be a good influence for my children, it's hard though to make up the difference of two parents, I am afraid I will become an over protective, over bearing mother with my kids. All I can do is my best I guess and pray.
I am going to keep them real busy with sports and activities to take their minds off of troubles, I hope it will help.
I know probably most parents fear that their children will walk in their shoes, (meaning my husbands) I sure hope they have more common sense in the long run.
Well, I am at work and must leave to pick up the kids from the YMCA.
Take care all and thank you so much for being there for me and reading my words.
Blessed Be :)
Wisteria63

Stitcher317
04-14-2008, 04:01 PM
Hi Wis,

Sounds like you are a VERY busy gal with work and the children...and it sounds like hubby is on a self destrictive binge. Mixing booze and pills , :mad: WOW. He knows better and I am sure as a medic he has seen the consequences of doing this. Where is he getting them?

Please do not feel quilty for anything you are trying to do. You ARE doing what you can for you and the children. Stay focused and strong.

I just thought of something.....Have you considered just dropping the subject with your husband and "pretending" you just don't care what he does. Do you think that would have an impact on him?

Maybe he is enjoying the attention he's getting with his drinking...?????

Hope you have a doog day.....

wisteria63
04-16-2008, 12:48 PM
Hello Stitcher317,
He started getting pain pills for neck pain and just continued to take them even if he didn't need them, I would confront him all the time when I would find an empty pill bottle with the label torn off, I would find them everywhere, in closets, in pockets, in barbecue pits, behind cabinets, you name it, he would always come up with some kind of story. About six months straight about a year and half ago he didn't drink at all, he would tell me it was because he was dipping tobacco and it would make him sick if he mixed the two, beer and tobacco that is. Well, I didn't like the fact that he was dipping but the trade off was kind of nice, at least I thought. He was actually hooked on Ult-ram and that is why he couldn't drink. He lost 35 pounds in a matter of six to nine months, he looked like a walking zombie, I was worried, couldn't figure out what was going on until one night he decided to drink and do the pills, well he forgot where his pills were after a few beers and panicked, I mean he had an attack, he wouldn't tell me what he was looking for but tore the house apart. My son and I watched the whole thing, then I found a cloth sunglass pouch by the back door and it was loaded with tiny, white pills. I confronted him then and he broke down and told me, he cried for help, so we decided to seak a special doctor that would prescribe SUBOXIN and that cost us almost two thousand, medical wouldn't cover it.
As soon as he started this treatment he started drinking again, more than ever,I guess to compensate the lack of pills. I though he was over the pill thing until a few weeks ago when his Mom gave him a XANXIX, of course he had to intensify the beer buss and took it, it was a nightmare that night. He is such a handful to worry about. I think I am going to try ignoring and see what happens, it is hard though when he comes to me for sex and I can't do it because I am falling out of love with him because of all of this, I hate to fake it and I don't feel he deserves my body, it's very hard to ignore that part. I hate to act and feel like I am his mother but I do most of the time.
Anyway enough already of my baloney, how are you holding up? Have you gone any where exciting or different lately? I would love to be able to get away like you can but my kids need me, maybe when they are grown I can find a buddy like you who can travel.
Take care and thanks again for replying.
Wisteria63

Stitcher317
04-16-2008, 06:29 PM
Hi Wis,

I think your husband is on a "self destructive" course and there probably isn't anything you can do to stop it. He has to. You, therfore, sould probably concentrate more on getting help for you and the children and plan for the day when your husband is either committed for treatment or something else drastic happens. He may be at risk for losing his job if he is found out.

Adding Xanax to the mix of pain meds and alcohol is a death sentence in opinion. Xanax is a benzodiazapine. If he is mixing it with alcohol and pain meds it could be deadly. If he starts taking it continuously that will become yet another addiction he has to deal with. He seems to be going from one drug to another. I was given Ativan, also a benzo for an inner problem several years ago. It gave me back my life when I took it. Totally eliminated the residual dizziness and gave me energy and confidence to do just about anything. Fast forward 18 mos and I began to feel weird. I couldn't remember conversations I had had the day before, I was dizzy again, my vision was blurred and I felt like I was ready to explode inside. My anxiety level got so bad there were nights I never closed my eyes and I started to feel nauseous between my scheduled doses. If I took an additional amount of Ativan I felt better within 20 minutes. It was at that point I knew I was dependant on them and had built up a tolerance for the dose I was on. There is a difference between physical dependance and addiction. I decided to follow a tapering schedule I learned about here on healthboards and it took me 18 mos to taper off 1mg per day. That is equal to 10 mgs of valium. It was a slow taper but I had the support of my family Dr. who kept my prescription going until I was off of it. The point I am making is that these benzo drugs are NOT to be misused. Shame on his Mom for giving them to him if she knows of his drinking and pain med issues.

I really think at this point, Wis, the focus has to be on you, your happiness and the children. It's not for me to tell you to "forget" about your hubby because he is your husband and you obviously care for him, you are just turned off my him and I get THAT BIG TIME.....in my mind I feel sorry for my husband. He has a disease, it has a name and there is a cure for it but he has to want that for himself as well. Apparently he doesn't. Alcoholism hasn't affected his health so far and it doesn't affect his daily life with his tennis and golfing buddies. It also never affected his work. Guess he is what is called a "functional alcoholic". Sometimes, when I am in a "generous" mood I cut him some slack. He is almost deaf without 2 hearing aides which on a social level is very isolating. He can't go to the movies, can't understand a movie on TV without reading subtitles, restaurants are hell for him due to the background noise. He does poorly in a crowd of people because he misses most of the conversation and feels stuped when he answers people inappropriately. He had to give up his love of flying because he couldn't understand the fast garbbled speach of the air traffic controllers and he claims to have retired early becasue his hearing problems. The "poor me" list goes on and on and, yes, I feel guilty when I get on my soapbox but tons of people live everyday with disabilities and do so with dignity and grace. I don't feel guilty however when he gets arrogant and abusive. That is something that is within his conrol when he is sober, not when he is drunk.
I left him a few years ago and came down to Fla 3 mos ahead of my usual schedule. when I announced I was leaving the next day he said "If this is about my drinking, forget it. I hurt at the end of the day and I need it to relax." End of story...... I left and it didn't appear to bother him at all. Friends tell me otherwise.....

I guess what I am trying to say, Wis, is just make sure you take care of yourself emotionally, physically, and financially so you are prepared for the day when everything hits the fan. Don't blame yourself for any of this. Something else I will tell you. My brother's problem with alcohol was so severe he lost his wife, his job, drivers license, everything he had over boose. He went through a few treatment programs without success. One thing his wife never did was poison his daughter against him My niece understood his problem and respected him to the best of her ability. Help your children love and respect the man your husbnad has been and the father he is to them when he is sober. They deserve this.

For me right how, I am doing A-OK. Hubby is fast alseep with his dinner half eaten :( In a brighter note: I faced a particularly anxious procedure for me today. I finally put the "big girl panties" on and had the dreaded colonoscopy done. 10 years overdue! I was terrified more of the prep than anything else. All was fine, hubby was with me and of course at 7:00am, he was bright, chipper and sober. He offered to drink the prep along with me but lucky for him, I didn't have anough to share...:D So, as angry and scared as I can get with him, he does have a few redeaming qualities! This probably makes me sound like a hippocrit but I need someone around when I have to do these this and he is there. If I get snitty and leave, my wonderful sister will have to be on call for my old lady issues and she doen't have time to change my diapers.....even though I changed hers for years !!!!! :angel:
:jester: :D ;)

wisteria63
04-17-2008, 09:01 PM
Hello, Stitch, is it ok if I call you that?
I will write tomorrow when I can.
Wisteria63

river525
04-19-2008, 04:39 PM
Wisteria----- Aside from the pills I would swear you are talking about my husband and my life. Oh and my husband drinks a different brand too, lol..

We have been to counseling together and apart and he makes promises of not drinking and stops for a few days or weeks but lately it has increased to the point of him never coming home from work sober......and it is sheer exhaustion for me. I have hidden this from my family and friends because it is so embarrassing to admit the man I fell in love with is a drunk and now a horrible angry drunk.

I swear the older he gets the worse of a drunk he is. Do you see this with your husband? I remember when we first met 16 plus years ago and he could drink beer all day and be happy as a clam and sweet, etc. BUT now when he drinks he gets angry and stubborn as a mule, not to mention sloppy, etc. I would bet a million dollars there are thousands of beer caps in our yard, garage, etc. -- I get so dern mad picking them up or finding empty bottles in between the sofa cushions, etc. :mad:

I have given my husband "the talk" many times and said if you don't get help and quit I won't be able to continue. He promises, quits for a few days/weeks and BAM he slowly returns back to his drunken self. He drinks alone and is obviously now drinking in between work and home and as bad as this sounds I PRAY a cop would pull him over and he would fail the DUI test and be jailed. Sounds horrible and it would be horrible all the way around because he would loose his job he has held for 30 years and it would cost a fortune in legal expenses BUT it would be his "bottom" maybe???

I think I'm a lot like you in that I know what I should do but I really don't want to kick him to the curb (so to speak) because of money and quite honestly I do still love him. Although the more this continues I will say I do not like him. Like today he is hungover and sitting around doing NOTHING while I bustle around him cleaning, etc. He says he thinks he must be coming down with something - GIVE ME A BREAK!!! He fell down the stairs last night he was so drunk - and NO I did NOT go and help him back up I walked out the front door and drove around for 3 hours.

Anyway........I could go and on but I just wanted to let you know I'm in the same boat and yes it sucks. I'm hoping to get to an Al-Anon meeting soon but I hate walking into a room not knowing how the meetings run, etc. Have you gone to one yet? Did you go by yourself or take someone with you? I might post this as a new topic.

take care --

Stitcher317
04-22-2008, 09:43 AM
Hi Wis and River.....

How you guys doing?

Wis - I haven't heard back from you in several days. How is everything going? Anything new with your hubby and your situation?

Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. Hope you are having a good day.

"Stitch" :)

CaringMom
04-24-2008, 09:40 AM
Wisteria and River (and all); how you sound like you belong in my world! I've been fighting this for years and have basically been doing like Stitch. I live my life with my kids, they know the story, and we go on. Hubby is there, but not, know what I mean? He starts in the minute work is out and drinks (beer too) until he goes to bed. Doesn't get mean, angry or fun; just somber and depressed. We basically live together, that's it. I have physically, mentally and emotionally detached myself from him years ago. Let him pout and feel sorry for himself. He knows why I'm the way I am. I'm also not in denial of his problem, I just don't discuss it to anyone (except his sister who is in the same boat with her hubby); like I'm hiding it!! LOL. He's so easy to see right through! I figure someday he'll pay dearly for this. Though by then I'm sure he won't care. My biggest fear right now is that our oldest daughter is getting married soon ...... you all know what that means! I've already told him he may be driving himself as I'll busy with last minute details. Yea, that's gonna go over well.
Thanks for hearing me. Good luck to you all. Take care. Do what you think is best for you and your family!

wisteria63
04-27-2008, 05:13 AM
Hi Wis and River.....

How you guys doing?

Wis - I haven't heard back from you in several days. How is everything going? Anything new with your hubby and your situation?

Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. Hope you are having a good day.

"Stitch" :)

Hello Stitch, how are you? I haven't written in awhile, I am just so tired of everything and wanted to give you a break, things are the same, tmorrow will be the first MOnday that I have been able to attempt a Alanon meeting, so I will let you know how that turns out, I am just so depressed right now, take care.
Wisteria63

wisteria63
04-27-2008, 05:22 AM
Wisteria----- Aside from the pills I would swear you are talking about my husband and my life. Oh and my husband drinks a different brand too, lol..

We have been to counseling together and apart and he makes promises of not drinking and stops for a few days or weeks but lately it has increased to the point of him never coming home from work sober......and it is sheer exhaustion for me. I have hidden this from my family and friends because it is so embarrassing to admit the man I fell in love with is a drunk and now a horrible angry drunk.

I swear the older he gets the worse of a drunk he is. Do you see this with your husband? I remember when we first met 16 plus years ago and he could drink beer all day and be happy as a clam and sweet, etc. BUT now when he drinks he gets angry and stubborn as a mule, not to mention sloppy, etc. I would bet a million dollars there are thousands of beer caps in our yard, garage, etc. -- I get so dern mad picking them up or finding empty bottles in between the sofa cushions, etc. :mad:

I have given my husband "the talk" many times and said if you don't get help and quit I won't be able to continue. He promises, quits for a few days/weeks and BAM he slowly returns back to his drunken self. He drinks alone and is obviously now drinking in between work and home and as bad as this sounds I PRAY a cop would pull him over and he would fail the DUI test and be jailed. Sounds horrible and it would be horrible all the way around because he would loose his job he has held for 30 years and it would cost a fortune in legal expenses BUT it would be his "bottom" maybe???

I think I'm a lot like you in that I know what I should do but I really don't want to kick him to the curb (so to speak) because of money and quite honestly I do still love him. Although the more this continues I will say I do not like him. Like today he is hungover and sitting around doing NOTHING while I bustle around him cleaning, etc. He says he thinks he must be coming down with something - GIVE ME A BREAK!!! He fell down the stairs last night he was so drunk - and NO I did NOT go and help him back up I walked out the front door and drove around for 3 hours.

Anyway........I could go and on but I just wanted to let you know I'm in the same boat and yes it sucks. I'm hoping to get to an Al-Anon meeting soon but I hate walking into a room not knowing how the meetings run, etc. Have you gone to one yet? Did you go by yourself or take someone with you? I might post this as a new topic.

take care --

Hello River, sorry it has taken me so long to reply, I have been to a meeting once before, it was helpful knowing that your not alone and that their are worse cases out there but I need to continue to go before I ruin my kids life will all my anger. I can't tell you how I hate what this has become. I feel like I have three kids, I would love for him to take control of his life and take care of me for a change. I pay all the bills, housework, etc... He does cook because I don't come home from work until after 6 every night,but he can't cook unless he has his best friend with him, Busch Beer. If I have complained enough to the point of exhaustion and he isn't drinking a night he will order out. It is just so unfair to live the life we have chosen, we need help. I am going to a meeting tomorrow night and will let you know how it turns out.
Take care,
Wisteria63

wisteria63
04-27-2008, 05:26 AM
Hello CaringMom,
I feel the same way you do about him getting in trouble with the law, it would be worth the price if it helped him sober up.
I will write agin soon.
Wisteria63

river525
04-27-2008, 10:21 AM
Wisteria - sorry we can't communicate off this board as I feel we could become great friends and have a friend who understands what is going on BUT............thank goodness for this message board. :)

Exhaustion is something I feel almost daily dealing and I am now finding anger that I contribute to my gaining strength in myself but for one reason or another I can't get angry enough to end our marriage or kick him out when I know I probably should. I just keep saying he wasn't always like this and one day he will "get it" and get help or go back to his old self. Foolish, huh? :confused:

I thought at this stage/age in my life it would be simple or easier than when I was young but such is not the case. The thought of being in my mid 40's divorced and alone makes me cringe but then some days I think at least I wouldn't be stressing over him being drunk or worrying if he is going to kill someone driving home drunk. Who knows? Obviously I don't.

I have thought of having an intervention to help him maybe see he needs structured help but he is sooooo stubborn and is in love with his dog and as crazy as this might sound I honestly don't see him going into treatment unless he could take his dog. And really until he hits rock bottom which will be an arrest or something even more tragic - he will continue to think he has control - UGHHHHH:mad:

Please let me know how the Al-Anon meeting goes and also how you first started. Do you have to talk or introduce yourself at the first meeting? Did you call Al-Anon or someone to find out when and where to go? I live in a pretty big city and they have their own website but a lot of the meetings are listed as private or closed to new people and the ones that are open to new people don't indicate if you just show up or what. I already feel like a fool sticking by my husband and I don't want to just show up to a meeting and look like a fool if I didn't go through the right channels to be there. Does that make sense?

Here's hoping we can one day be happy!!:angel:

ps....funny how your husband cooks dinner - mine does too? Maybe we should hire a chef and keep them out of the kitchen ;)

wisteria63
04-28-2008, 02:56 PM
Hello River, I hope it's ok if I call you that.
When I went to my first Al anon meeting you didn't have to say a word, you basically sat and listened to others for they have been there longer and are more comfortable. By the end of the meeting they all wrote down there phone numbers and names for you to contact them if you needed someone to talk to out of the meeting. Everyone is so nice, I ended up going to the wrong meeting though, it was for parents of alcoholic children, it was very interesting to hear this sort of problem from a different angle.
I am 44 and have two kids, one is 8 and the oldest is 10, the oldest is a boy and he is in tune with everything that goes on and is loosing respect for my husband, it shows in his actions and words and I think probably half of it is due to me not respecting my husband when he is drinking his 12th beer. He never drinks any less that 10 or 11 and most of the time he hits 12. I am so unhappy with the fact that I have settled for this life, I really want out but I'm so afraid of everything. I can barely stand to have sex with him any more, even though he's very handsome, the beer thing clouds my brain stem that leads to that area, if you know what I mean. My daughter adores him and I know it would be hard on the kids, but is this all there is for me?? I think so. Now all I have to do is somehow separate myself and try to raise my kids as normal as I can, that's why I need help, I can't show my feelings any more in front of the kids, it's damaging to all and very hard not to do. I hope I figure this world of dread out, I just wish that he would take some of the burden. He told me he would cut back weeks ago and hasn't followed through, he did for one day on his off day and that was it. He always comes back to me saying things like, "At least I don't cheat", "I'm a good father", "I don't get abusive". Wow, I should be real grateful right??? Where did I go wrong?? I know where, I have all the evidence in front of my face, I will get some help some how.
You know, your situation is so much like mine, I have had other threads from other caring people as well, very educated, experienced people, some who have been here where we are and some who will never go back or settle for what we have. There is something wrong with us to put up with this life style. A missing link somewhere, maybe it's because I am about thirty pounds over weight, I could loose that then what? I would love for you and I to make it through and live without all this stress. Are we allowed to?



Take care,
Wisteria63

wisteria63
05-04-2008, 11:56 PM
Hello Stitch, how are you? I haven't written in awhile, I am just so tired of everything and wanted to give you a break, things are the same, tmorrow will be the first MOnday that I have been able to attempt a Alanon meeting, so I will let you know how that turns out, I am just so depressed right now, take care.
Wisteria63

Stitcher, how are you? I haven't written in awhile, things are just a mess right now, it's getting close to the end of the school year and reality is etting in, again.
Write soon
Wisteria63

Stitcher317
05-05-2008, 01:57 PM
Hi Wis,

So good to hear from you again. I've been quite busy lately closing up our home in sunny Fla and driving back to our summer home in the NE. I usually plan to stay down there for a few weeks my myself but had things to tend to up here. You'll get a kick out of this....Last Nov. before hubby came down here he had the wood stove burning. Apparently the gasket around the door separated and smoked filled the entire house....hubby slept through the whole episode and didn't notice anything until he woke up in the wee hrs of the morning. Guess he was "out of it" becasue the smoke should have awakened the dead! These are just some of the things that crop up. I feel like he needs a babysitter at night. Meals get left on the table half eaten and with 2 dogs roaming around, it's not a good situation. Do you get what I mean about things never getting much better? At least he automatically gives me the keys to the car now whenever we go anywhere...:mad:

What's up now with your hubby, the kids, job, al-anon, etc.? Some great people have joined the Board here and can be a wealth of support for you. Has anything changed for the better or worse?

Please keep in touch. Once I get a little more settled I can write more....the smoke clean up is a mess! The house smells awful....airing it during the day seems to help some...We also inheritied our son's dog a few months ago and she has never been up here. The woods and deer are foreign to her so I feel I need to keep an eye on her at all times. Life sure changes doesn't it? At least we didn't inherit any grandbabies to care for.....;)

Hope you are doing well.
Stitch

wisteria63
05-06-2008, 09:30 PM
Hi Stitcher, everything is not so good, 911 was dialed the other day, the fighting between us was so bad the whole neighborhood heard it and of course the kids were right there.
I am making plans to get away somehow, it wont be easy, the kids literally get on their knees and beg us to be together and works things out, it's so heart breaking, if I don't act soon they will be damaged for life, if they aren't already. I really don't feel like I have done too many things in my life right, I am severely depressed right now. All I ever wanted was happiness for my children and this is what they have, it's not their fault, they didn't ask to be born into our hellish world, I have to do something to make them happy and it seems like the only way they can be happy is if I am. I can't fake my feelings of anger and disappointment in my husband and that isn't good.
The kids will recover eventually I hope. I just hope I am doing the right thing. The kids are fine as long as I don't get upset, I wish I could just learn to live with a drunk but I feel so empty, so dead inside. I have never been a religious person, maybe I should be now, maybe that would take the pain away a little, I don't know.
I do know what it's like to babysit a full grown man, I do it everyday he's off work which is 20 days out of 30. When he decides to go to bed I have to get up and go behind everything to make sure all the doors are locked and the messes are cleaned, I hate what he does, the gun thing hasn't happened since the last time, I took the keys to the safe and put them on my key chain and told him what you told me about the child services potentially getting involved, well we will see how long his memory holds up on that one.
I have asked him not to drink and drive with kids in the car and he has yet to follow through with that one. He usually is on two or three when he drives and that is what we started arguing about the other day too by the way. I know I am not perfect and have done things in the past similar to that, but I have grown up and realize what is most important to me now and that is Ryan and Megan. That's their names, aren't they cute names, I wish I could show you a picture of them, they are beautiful and both straight A students, thanks to me.
Anyway, times are tough but I will pull through.
Wish I could help you clean up the smoke mess and enjoy the woods, I love the outdoors, it's so peaceful and pure.
Anyway, I will write later
Take care,
WISTERIA63

reachout
05-06-2008, 10:19 PM
Dear Wisteria

The children... of course the little ones are upset. They beg you and Hubby to stay together because this is what they know and fear the unknown... just like you, Honey.

Wisteria... wherever you go, it will be more peaceful than what the family is living right now. The huge unrest and turmoil iin the home is unhealthy in so many ways. What stands out to me is that to continue like this does the very worst damage to the children... it teaches them that we can not rise above circumstances. I know you want your daughter to expect more for herself than a man who is doing what your husband does to you. I now you want your son to learn to value and respect a woman and wife. How will they ever learn if you stay in this horrible situation.

Your leaving may be the impetus for Hubby to take a hard look at himself and his issues and address them. If so, that would be great. If not, it is sad, but you will be moving forward in life and so will your children.

I am a huge advocate of trying to always work things out in a family. However, sometimes the attempt to work them out must be seperation of the family. Right now, your kids have only one viable, dependable parent. If you let depression suck you down its hole, who will they have left to nuture them?

Face the fear of leaving because it truly seems like it is the only option for any chance for a happy, healthy environment for your children and you. It is on Hubby after that to decide how much his family is worth to him versus a six pack. The boundary must be set and followed through on.

I wish you well at such a difficult time
reach

Phoenix
05-07-2008, 04:12 AM
Hello Wisteria,

First of all, let me say that I am saddened to hear about your situation.

Are there any family members that you and the children can go to for a couple of days, thus leaving him alone to either self-destruct further or realize the error of his ways?

I ask this because(in my estimation) you and the children are constants in his life at the moment and something tells me that it would be a mentally sobering experience for him to be in the house all by his lonesome, to wallow in his misery.

When he gets to drinking at home, it is more or less routine(it seems that he is a creature of habit) give or take the occasional outburst of spontaneous behavior.

Give him the opportunity to either look at himself or wallow in his often theatrical denial.

I will tell you this; both you and the children deserve so much better.

Take care of yourself and the kids.

Sincerely and Respectfully,

Phoenix

wisteria63
05-08-2008, 07:54 AM
Dear Wisteria

The children... of course the little ones are upset. They beg you and Hubby to stay together because this is what they know and fear the unknown... just like you, Honey.

Wisteria... wherever you go, it will be more peaceful than what the family is living right now. The huge unrest and turmoil iin the home is unhealthy in so many ways. What stands out to me is that to continue like this does the very worst damage to the children... it teaches them that we can not rise above circumstances. I know you want your daughter to expect more for herself than a man who is doing what your husband does to you. I now you want your son to learn to value and respect a woman and wife. How will they ever learn if you stay in this horrible situation.

Your leaving may be the impetus for Hubby to take a hard look at himself and his issues and address them. If so, that would be great. If not, it is sad, but you will be moving forward in life and so will your children.

I am a huge advocate of trying to always work things out in a family. However, sometimes the attempt to work them out must be seperation of the family. Right now, your kids have only one viable, dependable parent. If you let depression suck you down its hole, who will they have left to nuture them?

Face the fear of leaving because it truly seems like it is the only option for any chance for a happy, healthy environment for your children and you. It is on Hubby after that to decide how much his family is worth to him versus a six pack. The boundary must be set and followed through on.

I wish you well at such a difficult time
reach

Thank you (Phoenix1 and reachout) for responding. I just wish this would all go away, I know I need to be strong and I feel so weak right now. I fear so much.
I am going to find somewhere to go soon, I have to try and lay low for awhile and not wear my feelings on my sleeve. It's just so horrible that life has to be so hard. I wont let them down, my husband is wonderful when he's sober and he's not abusive or angry when he drinks he just drinks way too much and starts to do stupid stuff, like leave all the doors unlock before he goes to bed.
I am not looking for Mr. Right nor do I want another man in my life after this. He seems to think that I can do no better than him, that he is a gem and the only fault he has is drinking, well that is true but it's too much for me to except.
I just want to raise my kids in an atmosphere that is healthy and calm, I know kids will be kids and they will argue and put me to the test with the things yet to come but the way things are now they are doomed to be on antidepressants. I don't want that for them. If I knew that my marriage would be like this I would have never have brought children into this world.
I will do what is best, I just want to thank you for all you words and encouragement.
Wisteria63

wisteria63
05-08-2008, 08:19 AM
How are you these days?? I have just went back all the threads and wanted to thank everyone once again.
I hope you are happy.
Wisteria63

wisteria63
05-08-2008, 08:22 AM
Dear Wisteria

The children... of course the little ones are upset. They beg you and Hubby to stay together because this is what they know and fear the unknown... just like you, Honey.

Wisteria... wherever you go, it will be more peaceful than what the family is living right now. The huge unrest and turmoil iin the home is unhealthy in so many ways. What stands out to me is that to continue like this does the very worst damage to the children... it teaches them that we can not rise above circumstances. I know you want your daughter to expect more for herself than a man who is doing what your husband does to you. I now you want your son to learn to value and respect a woman and wife. How will they ever learn if you stay in this horrible situation.

Your leaving may be the impetus for Hubby to take a hard look at himself and his issues and address them. If so, that would be great. If not, it is sad, but you will be moving forward in life and so will your children.

I am a huge advocate of trying to always work things out in a family. However, sometimes the attempt to work them out must be seperation of the family. Right now, your kids have only one viable, dependable parent. If you let depression suck you down its hole, who will they have left to nuture them?

Face the fear of leaving because it truly seems like it is the only option for any chance for a happy, healthy environment for your children and you. It is on Hubby after that to decide how much his family is worth to him versus a six pack. The boundary must be set and followed through on.

I wish you well at such a difficult time
reach

Thank you:)

Stitcher317
06-02-2008, 09:35 AM
Hi Wis,

I have been thinking about you lately and wondering how things are going for you, your children and your hubby. Has your situation improved or have you formulated your plans to move out.

Life is the SOS here. Hubby continues to sip, sip sip, from 4:30 til pas out time. It's never going to change unless he gets a medical scare and then who knows, he may still continue.....

Hope things are better for you and the kids. Keep in touch.


:D

wisteria63
06-16-2008, 02:44 PM
Hi Stitch, I sure have missed you, thanks for writing.
Things are a little different, he has agreed to not drink two days in a row for me, WOW! THE EARTH JUST SHOOK!! It's a miracle that I was able to get that much out of him.
I am still wondering and hoping things will be ok. I want this to work so bad for the kids. The fact that they adore him makes me want to try and live life with blinders on, I will see how it goes I guess.
The kids are so used to him drinking that they even bought him a beer holder for father's day.
My life is for them now, I come last and should.
Anyway, write soon.
Wis

dunerkat58
07-03-2008, 12:17 PM
I just found this post and it speaks to me. My husband also drinks 12-15 beers a night. He refuses to admit he has a problem. I have lived with this for 20 years. He gets drunk and when I become afraid of him I go to my daughter's. It happened again last weekend. He always uses the same guilt, that it's my fault I leave. I am unhappy there & sad when I am away from him. I am the classic enabler. He admitted he has a problem the other night, but I know from experience he won't follow through on it. I am 50 years old and hate that I love a man that has such a hold on me. I also dislike him intensely when he drinks, as he becomes another person. I just wish he would get help and stop drinking so that the rest of our lives would be alcohol free.

wisteria63
07-05-2008, 08:32 AM
Hello, my husband will be gone soon I will write later.

wisteria63
07-07-2008, 02:00 PM
Hello dunerkat58,
Do you have children as well? I will be 45 soon and just feel totally brain dead. I know what I should do and don't do it.
My dislike for him has grown to part time hate.
I find myself doing things to try to get even and it ends up hurting me more at the end than it does anyone.

Please write back soon,
WISTERIA63