View Full Version : Trying to get over infidelity and save the marriage...Maybe

03-20-2008, 02:13 AM
Last August my wife cheated on me with, of all people, my brother who was living with us at the time. He is Bipolar II bad and I have helped him out in the past. He doesnt work, bathe, or smile (except when he's stoned) I discovered my wife (who is Bipolar I) talking on the phone with another guy, they were speaking in french so I didn't understand what she was saying except she tried to lie to me and say it was a woman with a deep voice when I knew it was a man because I could hear him and I told her that and got mad at her.

To make a long story short after a few days of this revelation festering inside of me. I kicked her out for that and a few other reasons (her screaming at the me and the kids) along with my brother. At the time I didnt know about the infidelity that had occured twice that very week. They moved in with a friend of my brothers and continued the relationship (I still had no idea, I felt like such an idiot when I found out). She had written a letter to her guy friend from the phone and when I translated it on google I discovered that it was a love letter. I showed it to her when she came to visit the kids.
About a month after i kicked them out her and my brother got into an arguement and he text msged me telling me about the affair according to my wife later on he did that while she was there and told her that if he couldnt have her noone could. In November I let her come back and have been working on trying to save the relationship. It went well for a while, I was able to begin putting it behaind me and I started once again to have loving feelings for her. However the last 3 or 4 weeks I have been thinking about it obsessively. I can not get the thoughts out of my head. I want to divorce her. My brother shows no remorse and I hate him for it. It's driving me crazy. Im afraid I am losing the battle to save our marriage because I can't seem to put this behind me. I feel like she is tainted, Ive been betrayed by both sides. What was once mine (not quite the right word) was stolen from me.
I dont know what to do about these feelings. I cant seem to forget about it. I wish I had not told her she could come back. Today was our anniversary and I couldn't get myself to do anything for her. I couldn't find anything to celebrate about. Its been four years since we have been married and I have delt with her 5 suicide attempts (the last one at the beginning of this month I called 911 and they locked her up in the psych ward for a week, that seems to be when I started having all these thoughts.), physical abuse from her, then the affair, a 2 month financial spree that wiped out our credit and put us 20,000$ in debt, and the subsequent discovery that she has done nothing but lie to me since we were married.

I cant handle anymore. I know she was in a manic phase of her bipolar disorder and she had only been diagnosed May of last year following voluntary hospitalization (she had fun this first time in the psych ward, she hated the second time through though) for a suicidal gesture. THe other thing that worries me is that the hospital called CSD when she was locked up and they came and checked up on me and the kids. I'm afraid that if she does it again ( they will lock her away for longer than a week) I'll lose my Kids. Sorry about all the rambling, I dont know what to do for help but it feels good to express myself. Anyway, any advice or opinions on what I should do:(?

03-20-2008, 02:52 AM
Before you do anything get yourself get a divorce lawyer and let him/her guide you through the process and it will save you and your kids a whole lot of further pain. There is no reason to think that you couldn't be the custodial parent. Do not let her move back with you so whatever you need to do to stall her off until you seek legal counsel the better off you will be. Tell her you have to paint the inside before she comes back or something until you decide what to do next. good luck.

03-20-2008, 04:52 AM
I don't understand. Did she have an affair with your brother AND some random french guy? Or was it just the random french guy but your brother knew about it and that's why you're mad? It's very confusing because at one point in your post you said something about him saying that if he can't have her, no one can. I don't really understand the situation?

03-20-2008, 05:22 AM
I found out she was talking to a guy on the phone in July. She never met him in person only online, over the phone, and she sent him nude pictures of herself through email. It's my brother she slept with. What really pisses me off is that my brother found out about it ansd was telling my wife that it was wrong to be talking that way with another guy.

03-20-2008, 07:00 AM
Hi Aaron.

What you need to do is talk to a lawyer ASAP. He/She will help you get the ball rolling with the divorce and you having custody of the kids. No judge in his right mind (hopefully) would award a woman with her track record of suicide attempts and psych wards any sort of custody. Visitation, yes, custody, no.

Yes, your wife could make comments to have CSD come in and check on you. But they are not going to remove the kids from your care unless there is a reason to. Those athorities have to follow up on things like this, especially if they know one parent has all of these issues. As long as you are providing the kids with a safe environment and you are capable of taking care of them then you should have nothing to worry about.

Whatever you do consult a lawyer first. A person in her state of mind can be very dangerous. I'm not saying that to be rude. My brother is bipolar and when he is in a "manic stage" he can be very dangerous to be around. What's to stop her from taking the kids and doing something stupid? Get everything you need custody wise (legal and physical) through the court.

03-20-2008, 02:48 PM
infidelity isn't your only problem......if someone who is bi-polar doesn't get stabalized on meds, it will never work.

03-20-2008, 05:34 PM
My take on your problem is as follows; bipolar or not, everyone holds a degree of responsibility for their actions.(I myself am a bipolar II)The second thing I would like to say is that if you are going to get depressed and obsessed w this then don't do it in half measures. Have a good depression, cry, scream into a pillow, but let it out. You must have a hurt that is understandable only to you. I felt a lot of pain when I read your story. It was heart rendering.

A bipolar I and a bipolar II is a situation I would not want to live with. I also have great concern for you kids(kids come first). Please, make sure they are safe and cared for after all, they are your kids too!!

As hard as it may be, do what you have to to keep yourself and those you love protected and out of harms way.

Also, I am loathed to say it but, perhaps the marriage is not viable, I'm very sorry to have to say that. I just want to be honest w you to the best of my ability.

Good luck, and hang in there dude. Everything is temporary, EVERYTHING!

jaygee (in Canada)