View Full Version : Severely Depressed

04-04-2008, 05:14 AM
I am really depressed, and donít know where to turn or how to handle my depression, by chance Iíve stumbled across this site whilst searching through the net which has caused me to worry even more.

Back in January I was holidaying in Scotland with my wife and 2 beautiful young daughters, and whilst I was walking away from a mirror in the bathroom I noticed a type of dark mole on the upper part of my left arm, on the back of the arm, midway between the shoulder and the elbow.

At first I thought it was a speck of dirt, tried to brush it off then realised it was slightly raised.

Iím not a moley person, I probably have about 10 max all over my body and they are all the size of pin pricks (literally can just about seem them with a hair folicole growing out) and one large light coloured one in the centre of my back which has been there ever since I can remember back to about 5 years old.

I am 36 years old in July.

I ignored the mole initially since I found it in January, as I didnít want my doctor to think I was paranoid, but since January Iím sure its changed shape and got bigger, so I decided to go and see the doctor last week.

The doctor said he didnít think it was anything to be concerned about, but to come back and see him in three months time. Over the past week I have become increasingly concerned about this mole, and contacted the doctor to arrange a referral to a Dermatologise.

He explained that as a doctor he has to make a decision and didn't think it was anything worrying, as you can normally notice something not right with a Melanoma, but if i want to be referred he would be happy to assist.

I'm worrying so much that its an early Melenoma.

I have the appointment for tomorrow, gone private, luckily have insurance through my wifes work, but I am so so so worried that I donít think Iím going to be able to go along as Iím worried what he is going to say.

The mole is approx 3mm dia, dark brown-black, slightly raised, slightly irregular. It looks roundish with good boarders and is all one colour, apart from the bottom left corner which looks like its missing, the bit thatís missing isnít raised, so its not that it doesnít have any pigment in that area, its just not grown in that area, a notchy bit that looks like another tiny mole seems to be coming off of itÖ..

As I said, it looks like its all the same colour, apart from the bit that looks like its coming off of itÖ

I am so worried that itís a MelanomaÖ

I love my wife dearly, she is the best woman in the world to me, we have only ever been with each other, I have been with her since the age of 13, I am now 35, 36 in July.

I have two lovely daughters, one aged 7, one aged 3, and Iím so worried that Iím going to die and not see them grow up, I am so gutted that I had images of my wife and myself growing old together, but it seems nothing more than a dream to me nowÖ.

I am stuck between the devil and the deep blue see, I wish I had never been born to be perfectly honest, I had thoughts yesterday of just ending it all and chucking myself off a bridge.

I have had a crap 5 years, I lost my mum 5 years ago just gone on 29th March, she died suddenly of an embolism, and my dad died of lung cancer in August last year, and I watched him going down hill for 2 years, it wasnít nice, but I wanted to be there for him at the end, and I was, I just donít want my children seeing me go down that same route.

Iím going to close as Iím typing in my office and my eyes are filling up,

Apologies for the long post, but I just donít know where to turnÖ

04-04-2008, 05:44 AM
The fact that the color is consistent is a good sign, not a bad one. And as small as that is, even if it is melanoma, they can probably get it all easily. Odds are it isn't malignant so I wouldn't worry. They'll remove it and do a biopsy. I've had lots of moles removed and it's no big deal. They've been normal, abnormal and precancerous. We just cut them out and that was that.

04-04-2008, 06:42 AM
Reallyworried, I am so sorry you are going through this and feeling this way. My husband went through a time where if he saw a spot or mole on his body that looked different or one that he had never seen, he thought he for sure had cancer and he would not be here for our son,2 at the time, and the son in my belly. It was not only his skin is was everything, it was any ache or pain would be cancer, any chest pain, or arm tingle would be an heart attack.

The reason what your saying sounds so familiar to me is my husband had 2 very close people die in 6 months from their diagnosis, and one died in May and the other died in June. Also we had a couple of people who he knew through work, and golf that had sudden heart attacks. And not to mention 7 years ago, 4 weeks before our wedding, my mother never woke up, and died in her sleep of a sudden heart attack, she was 46.

My husband went through a time period where he went to the emergency room about 25-30 times in a period of about 1 year or so. Sometimes he went 3 times in a week. He also had about 20-30 doctor visits for mouth cancer, skin cancer, liver, kidney cancer/failure, colon cancer, testicle cancer (he has had 2 ultrasounds) and more than I can remember. He had visits with specialist like dermatologists, dentist, cardiologists, and oral surgeons. It was a long ride, and the doctors finally said that if he did not stop having tests he was going to cause himself cancer by the radiation from all the xrays.

It took about 2 years for him to realize he was ok, but he had every test out there, sometimes at least twice or more. He sounded so much like you, and he was sure he was full of cancer, or having a heart attack.

All the doctors after time and all the visits told my husband he needed counseling. He would not go. He made it out on his own. He still from time to time has a hard time with something and gets in as soon as he can to a doctor to have it checked out. All of the heart attacks he thought he had (20-30) were panic attacks or gas. He still suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, and he had learned how to manage them. My husband is 36, and our boys are 2 and 4 now.

On the mole subject, I can help you with that. I would call myself a moley-person. I have had 4 separate minor surgeries, 2 removed when I was 18, 1 that showed up after I had my first son, it was on my leg, 4 skin tags on my face, and then about 1 month ago I had 4 large, raised moles on my back removed.They were about the size of a dime to a nickel. All of my mole came back fine. I showed my doctor all of them, I still have about 10 more that could be removed. I have one on my arm that sounds like yours and I asked about it and he said it was fine.

Please calm down, you are ok. Moles can be removed in minutes by your dermatologists and then be sent away to be tested. From what you have written, it is probaly ok, or like I said it can be removed very quickly, and you will be a little sore for awhile.

Over the last 5 years, you have gone through an extreme amount of loss and stress. Losing your mom and dad is a lot to go through, and I am so sorry. Have you taken time to mourn? I believe you are possibly going through the stress of having the death of your mom and dad, and then having a health concern and knowing how fast life can be taken away. You are scared for your family.

My husband felt the same way you are feeling right now. Please take time for yourself, and breathe. You are going to be ok, you just need to make it to your appt tomorrow. I also hope you can see your doctor and talk about anxiety that you have, and also maybe get an referral to a therapist. I know like that might seem like a lot, but what you are going through is possibly from your loss of your mom and dad, and their health.

One more thing, have you told your wife what you are going through? She can help you, as she has been their for you through it all.

I hope I have helped you. Even though I am an ocean away from you, I am worried about you, and I pray that you can find a safe place mentally, and realize that your scare is made worse from your loss. Please talk to your wife, and truly confide in her. She is your best friend, and can help you through this. I am glad you found this website, and here has helped me with my health and my health combining it with my marriage. I have found some wonderful friends.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, and please keep posting, it is a great way to get things out. We are all here for you, and I will be waiting for your post after your appt.


04-04-2008, 08:38 AM
Thank You your replies, very much appreciated.

ruth ann, i have spoken with the consultant on the telephone, and he has agreed to remove it on my first appointment.

I realise i won't know for sure tommorrow what it is, and the next week is going to be shear hell for me to be waiting to hear what the future holds or doesn't hold for me.

When i came off the motorway to the town that i work at, i was considering phoning in sick, as i really did not feel like i could face a day of sitting at a desk thinking of what is going to happen to me. I then felt a need for a church (which is what is strange) and imagined myself sitting in a small little village church in silence trying to make a connection with God.

04-04-2008, 08:43 AM

Thank you for your very kind post, the last few paragraphs of your post really touched me...

Sounds like your husband was in a terrible state, i'm really glad he managed to get out of that vicious circle, and that he did it on his own.

I don't think my problem is paranoia though, as i checked a holiday photo from 2 years ago and the mole was definetely not there.

I'm just so scared that i could be told that i have Cancer. I have been with my Wife since the age of 13, and have always imagined us growing old together and watching our 2 lovely children grow up, and becoming pensioners and helping each other walk along the high street doing our shopping, you just don't realise, that even though you are still young, there are lots of things that can get in the way.

My wife and myself are really good freinds, as well as Husband/Wife. She has been really good this last week. Last night i was in a bad state when i came in from work, i was driving over a bridge on the way home and looked down at the motorway below, and just felt like stopping and chucking myself off, as it seemed a whole lot easier to chuck myself off in a split second, than the physical and emotional pain of myself dealing with Cancer and also the emotional heart ache of my family watching me suffer. I know that Suicide isn't fair on the person that finds you, and worst still the thought of a motorist seeing you jump, but I was so upset and scared, I just felt I needed an Ďoutí.

I went straight to our bedroom when i arrived home from work to check the mole again. I was trying my hardest to convince myself that it was going to be OK, my wife came upstairs and calmed me down, and brought me downstairs, and said that she doesn't think its anything to worry about but i should get it checked nevertheless. I explained to her what is making me upset, is that i would never ever leave her or my children in life for anything, and don't want Death to come in the way of us either (at least not at this early time) as i want to be there for my children whilst they are growing up, and i don't want my wife struggling on her own through life either, as i've allways been there for her, and would do anything for her.

She then started getting upset, and said she's worried to, but 'if' it is something to be concerned about, then i've hopefully caught it whilst its small and manageableÖ..

04-04-2008, 12:52 PM
really worried, I hope I can help you through this, and like I said this is a great place, and I hope you keep posting after your appt tomorrow.

I stay at home with my 2 boys, and they are 2 and 4. I have been battling chronic pain since September, and somedays it is kicking my butt. I have tmjd, chronic myofascial pain, and fibromyalgia. I never thought I would be battling this at 31, and I have always been healthy and fit. My husband has had a hard time understanding my health, and what I need. He is trying and doing a great job. He works very hard and a lot of night hours, so we try to see him as much as we can. I love coming here on the healthboards, it helps me have someone to chat with and also to talk to people who are going through what I have, also on the side if I can help someone I like that too. Somedays If I over do it or even the weather bothers me, I am chair or couch bound with heating pads.

When I was pregnant with my first son, I had a mole that started growing on my leg. At first it looked like a sore or pimple and I actually made it bleed. As time went on I kept a very close eye on it. I have tiny little moles on my body, but this one I saw changing. Having my son was my first priority, and then once he was born, about 6 months after, I mentioned it to my dr, and she said that since it was new and had grown, we should remove it. It sort of sounds like your mole. I had it removed and it was tested and it came back fine.

I am so glad you have your wife, you both are very lucky. I agree with you about the paranoia, but sometimes your mind just cannot stop and it keeps going. I found a lump in my breast and it was abnormal, and I made my husband feel it. I made an appt and I had to wait 4-5 days over the weekend. I had to work really hard not to think about it, and go through emotional roller coaster of thinking of my husband and boys. It turned out fine, and it was a 30 second examination. After I was so relieved and a huge weight was lifted.

I am sure that tomorrow after your appt. you are going to feel relieved, you are going to have an answer. It might be, I am glad you came in, but the mole looks ok, or the dermatologist might say, if it is bothering you and it seemed to just grow, lets schedule it to be removed, but I don't think it is anything. The great thing about a mole is that normally when it is removed the part that is bad is gone if it does come back malignent. With my experience with moles, and I told you how many I have had removed, from what you told me, I believe you are fine, and it probaly is just a plain mole. I wish I could help ease you mind more

Are you sleeping ok? I am not sure if you can get this in England, but I like a tea and it helps me relax and sleep. It is from Celestial Seasoning and it is the sleepy time extra tea, and it has chamomile, and valerian. I used 2 tea bags, and I let it sit for a couple of minutes. I am trying to use as much herbal supplements as I can instead of medicine. Valerian is an herbal form of valium, and if you can find a tea or even a bottle of it (tincture), you can put a couple of droppers full in your tea or any drink. It helps with anxiety a small amount, but enough to help you sleep.

I really wish I could help you more. Hold on to your wife and girls. They love you no matter what, and they are going to help you get through this. I know for me and I hope for my husband, knowing that I had my spouse with me and their for me, not matter what, gets me through anything. Can you wife go to the appt with you? That would be great if she could go, and hold your hand.

Please keep posting, and let me know how you are doing. You are in my prayers, and I will be thinking of you and your appt. Please, if you can, write me about your appt. I strongly believe you are ok.

Also, I think it would be nice to have a fun night for your family. Maybe on the way home pick up some pizza and have a movie night, or go out and do something fun with your wife and girls. You need to be with your family and keep busy. Maybe go bowling?
I don't know but do something out of the ordinary, kooky and crazy!


04-04-2008, 01:05 PM
One more thing, a dermatologist does this for a living, and he/she will know by looking at it. I read through the other posts and I saw that it is going to be removed tomorrow. Please have someone go with you, the best would be your wife. You need her.

I am going to say a prayer for you, and maybe the church is where you need to visit.

We are a support team for you right now, and we all will be praying and thinking of you.

God Bless You,


04-04-2008, 04:16 PM
Hello Kassandra and ruth ann.

You are both really kind and supportive people, :)

I don't have trouble sleeping, or at least haven't had to-date, maybe different over the next week though whilst i'm waiting for the results.

The last two mornings i have awoken, and the first thing thats come into my head whilst i'm waking up in bed, is i've woken back up into this world of worry again, and as much as i used to love and enjoy life, when its filled with worry and emotional pain, it makes you wish you stayed in that non consious state. I don't mean to sound negative or selfish, but when i'm asleep i'm at peace, but as soon as i wake up i'm in a constant mind of worry.

With regard my parents, I never got to say good bye to my mum, i received a call from a neighbour to say that my mum had collapsed at home, by the time i got to her the medics were working on her but she had allready passed away. I feel that both she and i were cheated out of saying our goodbyes, as i said i was the only child and we were very close, and i wish i had the time to tell her exactly how much i thought of her...but it wasn't meant to be....

My dad was different, and i made sure that even though it was man on man, i told him exactly how i felt about him and how grateful i was for his support and upbringing, i told him this about 6 months before he passed, as i wanted him to be in a state of mind that he understood what i was saying to him, and i was with him all the way to the end, he wanted to pass at home and i was with him for every hour around the clock for the last 3 days before he passed. It was hard, but i'm so glad i did it, as i witnessed some unexplained events just before the end, that i had previosly only read about in books, and to witness this first hand makes you consider the possiblility that there really is something else after death......

I said a preyer yesterday for the first time in 5 years, it wasn't the most appropriate of places, as it was the toilet at work, i shut myself in the cubicle and locked the door, i just had to escape my work colleagues and have a good tear session, and i put my hands together and made a pledge, and that pledge is this:-

'if' i am clear, as i won't be accepted if i'm not, then i will be donating blood on a regular basis, and i've also read over the last few days in one of our local papers, of a very young 'think around 7 years' little indian girl who needs a bone marrow transplant otherwise she will die. Although i may not be a match for her, due to different ethnic origin, i've never ever considered becoming a blood donor or registering to become a bone marrow donor, and would really love the opporunity of saving somebodies life.

I'm going to bed now, as its 00:15, my appointment is at 09:50 in the morning, so i will definetely keep you updated on the outcome of the appointment.

Thank you once again for your kind support,:)

04-04-2008, 05:33 PM
I really don't like calling you really worried, so I will call you Dear Sir,

I would love to be a blood donor someday, but I am afraid that I am on medications, and I would be unable to give. I often see signs and think about it, and the thought of giving would be wonderful, but I know I would not qualify for my prescribed meds.

I am glad your appt is soon, and I hope you sleep well. Tomorrow we can talk more about your appt., and our moms. I never got to say by either. Oh, well.....they loved us and they did a great job. Good night, and sweet dreams.


04-04-2008, 09:04 PM
I am sorry you are deeply depressed. You are blessed with a lovely wife and two lovely daughters who love you very much. My prayers are with you and your family. I hope you'll stay in touch.:angel:

Take care

04-05-2008, 12:22 AM
Well its the morning here, and i've woken up really shaky and worried, i'm normally a big eater and honestly, i didn't eat anything yesterday until 18:00, and i woke up at 06:30, and went to work all day, i just wasn't hungry so didn't eat....

I'm worrying what the dermeatologist 'might not' say, for example i don't think he will commit himself until the results are back, as otherwise if he is wrong either way he may think a patient will cast doubt on his proffessionalism.

Its strange how only a couple of weeks ago i was really worried about loosing my job, things were not going right, i have been working at my place of employment for 11 years, but recently a new manager has taken over and he has a very insecure attitude and has no morals whatsoever (won't even go into what he's done in the past) and he called me into the office and started shouting and pointing at me in the face, and i was so worried that i might loose my job and therefore loose my house, especially with the looming recession over here and i was worried that my family and i would loose everything we've worked for.

But do you know what? If i had the choice of having the 'all clear' and being with my family until a ripe old age, but would have to sacrifice my job and my house, and all our luxuries, i would choose this anyday over having everything but not living to see my children grow up, and being forced to leave the love of my life - my wife...

All i want out of life is my family, that is the most important thing in my life.

I'm off to get ready now, as my appointment is at 09:50, and its 08:18.

Will speak to you soon.....

04-05-2008, 04:54 AM
Hi Princess, Kass, and everybody else!:)

The appointment could not have gone any better!:)

He looked at the mole through a dermoscope (think that is the correct term) and straight away said that it is NOT Melanoma or anything to do with a Melanoma......

He then walked away and came back with some type of paint stuff to dab onto it, and then looked at it again through the dermoscope, and confirmed once again that its not Melanoma - it is a Benign mole.

He said that his Dermoscope magnifies to either 10x or 100x (can't remember which number it was) and he can clearly see the borders and they are well defined. I then asked him what the stuff was he dabbed onto it, and he said it was to show (is it the gobular??) something that either a benign mole has or a malignant mole has, can't remember which way around it is, but whatever way it was i had the 'good way around' which also confirms its a benign mole. He said that the mole can be left on the skin, there is no need to remove it - however, i asked him if he would mind removing it as otherwise i will be keeping looking at it!

He agreed to remove it and its now gone! The injection hurt a little, and was in my arm for about a minute of two, i was laid sideways on a bed with a green plastic sheet laid accross me with a hole in it which he worked through. It was weird, as i could feel him working and touching the skin, but it didn't hurt - obviously the injection worked quickly! I asked him if it will be sent away for analysis, and he said yes. He said but its nothing to worry about, everything he removes is sent away - he said you can never be 100% sure of anything, but he is 99% sure that its not Melanoma, and there is only a 1% chance that it is. So i'm overall very happy, i understand that nothing in life is ever 100%, and to be he is 99% sure it is not Melanoma, i'm very happy indeed!

I also said to him about it not being perfectly symetrical, and he said that the majority of moles are not symetrical.

Regarding me being a worrier, my mum used to say i was a born worrier. She was exactly the same, she was allways worried about getting Cancer and was afraid of dying. Although she had a very very rare dissability called Elethantitis, it made her legs and body swell up to about 10x the size it should be. She was experimented on when she was younger, they cut all the flesh off her legs down to the bone, and then skin grafted the bone. She was the first person in the country to have that operation, it was either that or she would have died at 21 years old. I can't believe i'm talking about this, it seems so long ago that my mum and I used to speak about it.

But the strange thing is, all the worrying my mum did about dying, and having a really long painful illness, didn't happen at all. She went up the stair to the toilet one evening, and collapsed, and died straight away. It was nice for her that she went that way, i would have hated her to suffer, but for me it was sad that i had no idea that she was going to die, as there were a lot of things i would have liked to have said to her before she died. Also, i was only 30 at the time, and i'm allways rushing about trying to cram everything into one day, and wish i had allocated more time to her as there are still things in her life that i don't know the answer to, and will never know.....

Just before i close, i'm going to church tommorrow morning, don't know which one, as there are a few in my local area, but i will definetely be going to one of them! And 'hopefully' if my test comes back clean, i will be looking forward to helping people i.e., blood, bone marrow, anything i can do for anybody i want to register for!

Thank you all so very much for your support, i don't know what i would have done over the last 3 days if it wasn't for this forum!

By the way - my name is Soni;):)

04-05-2008, 07:06 AM
Soni, I am so glad your appt went well. Hip hip hooray! I am also thankful that we have your name, and we don't have to call you severely depressed anymore.

I lost my mom when I was 23, my sister 21, and my brother was 16. She just did not wake up from sleep. She passed away doing her favorite thing, in her favorite chair, she was watching t.v. She had been having a hard time sleeping, and was bothered by menopause, so she sat in her chair in the living room watching tv till she could get sleepy and go to bed. My father woke up and could not wake her up. He called my sister, who was right down the road, and me 1 hour away, and he was crying, it was the worst phone call and worst moment of my life. To this day, whenever the phone rings early in the morning, I have a wave of anxiety over me and I am scared.

I am a worrier too. I am also the first born, as you are also so to speak, and I take things much more seriously than my sister and brother. They both growing up were trouble makers,and I was serious and tried to do everything perfect. I take medicine now, lexapro, and that helps a lot. Also, most of my illnesses that I have, started out from stress. My migraines are triggered some times by stress, and then tmj was caused by extreme stress and anxiety and then my grinding/clenching my teeth. So I had migraines this summer more than usual, in September my tmj flared up so bad, and it stayed, and I now have chronic pain from that. It went into my neck and shoulders, and my marriage went straight downhill, as I needed my husband more, and he did not know how to help. I actually had to hire a babysitter to come in everyday so I could lay down, or make phone calls to surgeons and dentists. Stress is a horrible things, and it can kill you. I am trying to not be like my mother, as stress was a leading cause in my mothers death. In October, my hands and feet started bothering me,and it was hard for me to walk, and I could not use my hands sometimes. Then it went into my muscles, joints, and bones. I have been battling chronic pain, and now my doctor the other day referred me by saying I was a chronic pain patient. I am trying my best not to be depressed too, and here has helped me. So I guess, by helping you makes me feel better. I hope we really did make a difference and help you over the last couple of days.

musicianDi I am glad that you and I could help Soni. We kind of teamed up on him so he had more of a support team. I was very worried about Soni, and I truly prayed for him, his health and safety.

Soni, I am so glad you are going to church, and are going to do great things. Sometimes we need to have something happen where we have to recheck our lives, and start over. You have a beautiful wife, and 2 beautiful daughters, what a blessing! Please keep writing us, and I am looking forward to talking to you.

If you can, I would make an appt. with your regular doctor, and dicsuss anxiety. Then maybe you can get a referral for a therapist if that is something you are looking for.

Here is my therapy, and I don't have to pay a copay! I can not tell anybody how greatful I am to finding this website and chatting with my friends. Sometimes it is just the boys and I all day, and the phone never rings, and my husband is gone for the day, comes home and takes a nap, and then goes back to work all night into the morning.

I truly hope you have a great day. You deserve the absolute best! Take it easy, you might be a little sore, and let your wife pamper you.


04-05-2008, 07:43 AM
Kassandra, you and ruth ann have both been really great, i was thinking of you both on the way back from the hospital this morning, as i was looking up at the sky and thinking what a beautiful world it is and how lucky i am (hopefully:)) that things are going to be fine...

I then thought about the prayers you mentioned that you had said for me, and you don't know how grateful i am.

I was also thinking about yesterday and the day before when i was sitting at my office desk with my eyes full of tears, and just fealt like ending it all, and you were both at the other side of the ocean giving me the support that i needed, you could have quite easily ignored me, but instead you went out of your way to help me and decided to take my pressures upon yourselves ontop of the problems that you allready have of your own:mad:and helped me which i am sincerely grateful of:)

I will be saying a prayer for the both of you tonight before i go to bed, to let the 'man above' know exactly how good you both were to me in my time of need....i am a firm believer in what goes around comes around and if you do good in life then you will be rewarded...

This will be the 2nd time i've prayed in 5 years:DMaybe i'm becoming a believer again;):)I truely hope so....

04-05-2008, 09:28 AM
Thank you Soni, . We did a great job, all of us.We made it through it, and Soni, you are going to be ok. I am going to keep this very short, I usually have long posts, and also a ball just came my way, and hit the laptop, so it is time to play.

Let's all have a great day. We are blessed with some many great things. I hope to chat with you all later. This might be an odd question, but the weather helps a lot, is it a nice day where you all are?