View Full Version : Does anybody know how I can help my husband to see he has a drinking problem?

09-30-2008, 02:54 PM
Hi I am desperatly needing some insite on how to get my husband to see he really is an alcoholic and that he can not control it. He always tells me he wants to quit but he gets really edgy when he does and says he can't sleep so it has lasted up to 2 weeks before he picks it up again. He always starts out real slow but then within 2 weeks he is back up to drinking a 12 pk and a few mixed drinks a night. My girls have pleaded and begged and I have also to try to get him to stop but he just does not think he has a problem. Our finances always get in a mess because he has to get his fix and I have to struggle to make what money we have make bills and money for groceries. Does anybody have any suggestions? I can not really put him on like an allowance because he makes way more money than I do. I love him with all my heart and want to help him but do not know how.:confused::(

09-30-2008, 03:23 PM
Hi Charlotte,

I'm so sorry to read about your situation at the moment,I went through similar problems as your Husband some time ago and would suggest that the emphasis really needs to be coming from your husband,in other words,if he really wants to stop the help should be there for him and from the point of stopping drinking the people around him would be in a position to support him.
I went to my General Practitioner who put me in contact with the local alcohol prevention team.from there I went through a medicinal withdrawal from the alcohol followed by group therapy.
We all find our own ways of succeeding with this and I would suggest that your Husband's first port of call would be his own doctor and hopefully He will find the right advice which helps him succeed in stopping the drinking altogether.
I wish you both the best of luck.

10-01-2008, 08:04 AM
He tells me he knows he drinks too much and trys to slow down but he also thinks he can do it on his own that he does not need professional help. And honestly it gets old making love to a drunk man all the time and watching him stagger into walls and me constantly having to walk on eggs shells not knowing how he will respond to what I might say whether it will **** him off or make him sad because he sees things in a different light when he is drinking than when he is sober.

10-01-2008, 10:27 AM
Dear charlotte1130, I so feel your pain and am truely sorry that you and your family are going through this situation.

I am basically going through the same thing you are, so I will be following your thread to see other responses.

My DH started out with beer. He did quit for a brief period of time, but when he started back, it was the heavy stuff. He drinks his whisky straight from the bottle and chases it with a soft drink.

I will not make love with him when he is drunk. He gets mad but he can so get over himself. I too walk on egg shells because of the fear of making him mad or making him cry. He is not one of those "happy" drunks.

My DH did try and went about a month not drinking and then 1 night a week. We are back up to every other night.

What are we gonna do?

10-01-2008, 11:25 AM
My husband is a happy drunk and very relaxed. But he drinks daily and does not want to do anything when he drinks but sit on the couch and watch tv. Then when we go to bed he is all wound up and wanting to make love. The other night I really did have a bad headache and he did not seem to care he just kept pursueing until I finally gave in just so I could go to sleep. And I am starting to build a resentment over stuff like that and the fact that I work a very stressful job, then come home cook dinner, clean up the dishes, get all 5 of our kids homework done, wash clothes, make lunches for everyone the next day, feed the dog, bathe the dog, make sure the kids get their showers and teeth brushed for bed, shower myself, iron clothes for me next day for work and that is when we do not have basketball games to go to because 3 of our kids play basketball. Then the weekend consist of getting groceries, cleaning house, going to church, cooking 3 meals a day and cleaning up after them, doing more laundry, washing my vehicle when it needs it. I have to stay on him to get him to take out the trash and mow the yard. I am exhausted and he is more helpful with all of this when he does not drink anything but he is crabby the whole time and very short fused with the kids and myself. I just do not know what to do and I love him soooo much!!

10-01-2008, 12:53 PM
I love my DH too and hate the pain and suffering that his drinking is causing our family.

I have a grown daughter not living at home as well as a 6 year old. I try to protect them from the things happening in our home, but sometimes I can't.

I am like you. It seems that I do all the chores around the house and what I can't do that should fall on him, he hires out for someone else to do.

He is not the drink, be happy, watching TV kinda drinker. My dh is the get wound up, fuss about family issues or work, get mad, and be easily offended at the drop of a hat if anyone (ME) says anything about his drinking.

I am truely happy when he passes out because he is actually like a big baby that I have to drop everything I am doing to make sure is stays in a somewhat good mood.

I do not approve or like his drinking, but I do prefer that he drink in the day that way by the time I get home from work he is passed out and wakes up sober and in a way better mood.

My oldest knows what is going on and their relationship has been damaged because of the drinking. I am so trying to shelter my 6 year old, but I can already see signs that she is aware that something is going on. She is a Daddy's girl and anytime he is upset, she tries to build up his ego. When he is drinking is also the time that he is the firmest with her (this I do not like at all).

Sorry for rambling. Just trying to vent and let you know that unfortunatly you are not alone.

10-01-2008, 01:56 PM
You are not rambling and it sounds like I maybe a little luckier than you because my husband is a happy drunk. I feel for you our girls are doing the same thing always trying to make him proud of them!

10-01-2008, 11:36 PM
Hi am Karen and I am alcoholic that is recovering....for the last 22 years not a drink....but it took five years and a relapse
to get to where i am. I am on the other side of the fence here
I am the drinker and you are aiding this behavior the your
husbands by doing what you are. I would suggest you go to
a few Alanon meetings which are for spouses and families of
alcoholics. From your husbands point of view we do not think
there is ever a problem with our drinking because we want and need to drink...it makes everything alright and we need
that fix....we may know there is a problem and we will always
say we will stop but we will not unlessss....WE WANT TO! that
is the bottom line....your husbands have to reach bottom and
NOt want to drink.....by doing all of the chores and taking all of the responsibility away from him, you just make it easier for him to sit and drink....you can not do this. He
needs to see what happens when you stop taking care of
all of the business....maybe he resents that you are so good
at doing everything that he can just lie there and drink....also why have sex with a drunk...can you not get up and sleep in another room...i would not give in...i am sure this is not what you want to hear but it is the truth and you your children and your husbands are allvictims here....he and only he can stop himself from drinking no one else....he has to not want to drink. Karen

10-02-2008, 07:00 AM
OMG! Thank you so much Karen I never looked at it like that I am so OCD that I want everything just so so I did not realize that I was enabling him. I could not sleep in another room because I do not agree with that part. After my past marriage I swore that I would never have another relationship where we could not sleep in the same room. But maybe I should let some things go unfinished for a while so he can see what all I do and how exhausting it is if he had to do some of the things. How do I find these alanon meetings? And do they have them during the day so maybe I could go on my lunch break so it does not take away from my kids? I was wondering if maybe you could help me with another question. I like to have a glass of wine every once in a while not to get drunk just because I like the flavor is that encouraging him am I telling him it is ok to drink by doing that? I feel like I should not drink around him because I am adding to the problem and that I have to be the grown up and not drink so if something was to happen and I needed to drive because I do not believe in drinking and driving even if only one glass. Could you help me to understand a little more about this? He seems sincere about wanting to stop that is why his last marriage did not work of course I did not know this until I had already fallen head over heels in love with him because he did not drink like this when we were dating. He crys all the time about it and says he knows he has a problem but nothing really ever gets done because he thinks he can do it on his own. Help me PLEASE......:(

10-02-2008, 11:07 PM
Hi charlotte....i would be more than happy to help you if i can.
I have many people get sober over the last 22 years but have
never been on the other side of the fence so to speak! You having a glass of wine is not going to affect him one way or another. He drinks for a reason and he finds that release he is looking for through alcohol. You can either drink or not drink...hide his alcohol or hate the stuff....none of it matters
to him because he needs the fix. So enjoy your glass of wine!

Your post says you are from Malvern Arkansas...just type in
alanon meetings and you have a great program there...i
found it under Hot Springs, Arkansas. There are numbers for you to call and they have alanon meetings during the day. They ususlly hold AA alanon, and alateen meetings
during lunch hours so people can make the meetings..You will find them at churches, homes, lodges for AA meeting
halls, but you have these groups where you live. Other
families that have husbands, wives and loved ones are given insight into what enables and does not with an alcoholic....those that have children should have the children in groups if they are being affected by behavior in
the home that they do not understand.

I understand about you not wanting to leave the bedroom and i respect your decision. Men are often more difficult to
turn to someone else for help because it is in their nature to want to do this on their own...if they can great....and he
could but he needs a program to follow....alcohol is not only
emotionally addictive but physically also. There is a 12 step program most recovery programs are based on and it
truly does work if you do their steps...they are not easy for
an alcoholic to do....also he needs a therapist....that would
get to the reason he needs to drink and there is a reason.
It is a disease and like diabetes when you have this disease
you can not eat sugar or must use insulin every day and an
alcoholic will be that way for the rest of his life, but just can not drink or the pattern starts all over again. It took
me to the age of 40 before i could deal with all of the stuff
i needed to deal with.

You can also do an intervention where the family and others come together and confront him with his disease and tell him that you want him to go for treatment....again
this will only work if HE WANTS TO STOP DRINKING! Karen

10-03-2008, 07:29 AM
Thank you so much Karen for helping me out with all this information it has been very helpful. We sat down last night and had a talk a very civil conversation about his drinking. I told him that it worries me that he drinks so much and that I did not want him to think I am nagging because I am not that it is his decision but that one day drinking like that will effect his life and health and that I did not want to see him suffer. I told him if he really wants to that I would help him in anyway I could that all he had to do was tell me what he needed me to do. About a year ago he went to a couple of AA meetings because he drank so much one night that he blacked out and fell face first in the driveway which is gravel and messed up his face. It was really embarassing for him to explain to people what had happened when he went to work that monday morning and he lied to most of them including his parents and the kids so he thought maybe he needed some help but he did not like what others had to say so he quit going he stayed sober for 2 months then but has not been sober for that length of time since. His mom and brother and I were talking one weekend about the intervention thing. I am scared that he will resent me if I do something like that and treatment he would never go for because he is way to quiet and shy to talk to therapist and others with out liquid courage. My dad was an alcoholic and has been sober for 32 years now and he did it thru AA and family support. I told my husband that he would have to stay away from the friends and family that drink and encourage him to drink for a little while to get rid of the temptation and peer pressure but he said that they do not tempt him. I have seen them give him a hard time when he trys not to drink telling him he wore the pants not me not to listen to me that I do not understand. Alcoholism runs in his family several of his uncles, cousins and his dad are all alcoholics. His dad has been sober for 17 years but he did it on his own. I am so confused and scared. I think me going to the meetings would be good for me to help me to understand a little more and learn alittle about how I am enabling him. Thanks so much for everything!

11-01-2008, 01:50 PM
You can't help your husband and you are too worried about hurting his feelings which will continue to enable him. Until you realize there is nothing you can do to help him the better it will be for him. I do believe you can support him in his attempt at sobriety by not allowing liquor in the house,by you also not drinking alcohol and by not attending any function that there will be alcohol served...that is my contribution and full support to the recovering alcoholics in my family. Your husband needs to seek help on his own but he apparently hasn't reached that uncomfortable bottom line. Absolutely there is nothing you can do to change anyone but yourself. Sitting down with an Alcoholic to have a civil discussion is impossible because the alcoholic is never sober they are always under the influence of alcohol. They make promises ...They can't keep promises!. My daughter wrote a book of poems when she was in high school...the title of the book is.... EMPTY PROMISES. You need to start educating yourself and you can start by reading some books and leaving them around the house. Start out by reading My Name Is Bill: Bill Wilson--His Life and the Creation of Alcoholics Anonymous. Then read: Tough Love. While you are reading those you also need to go to the Al Anon meetings for relatives of alcoholics and you will learn what you need to know in order to live with an alcoholic and exchange stories with others in your same shoes and how to change your ways to help him. The meetings are free and generally once a week in every town in America...normally the schedule is posted in your newspaper...(or perhaps online). You need to empower yourself with information from those that knows what works and what doesn't. You don't have to be mean and nasty to get your point across to your husband but you do have to educate yourself ...you are the one that has to change and believe me you will feel so much better about things knowing the right ways of living with him. I have been in your shoes and believe me you need all the education you can get on the subject...this in turn will help your kids...believe me you can't protect them but you can educate them and that is something kids deserve. Good luck.

11-01-2008, 09:30 PM
My father is a recovering alcoholic. And although he has not had a drink in 30 years and I am 49 years old, there are times that I feel like it was yesterday.
He recovered by using AA and also going into a rehab. center for a long time. If I remember correctly he was there at this rehab center for three months. The last month he was allowed to come home on the weekends.

My Mother had started to attend ala-non meetings and she even had us kids to meetings that was set up for only the children.

I remember my mother telling me years after he was recovered that the reason things finally turned around for us was when she decided not to put up with drinking anymore. She finally found her spine and put herself and us children before whatever feelings my Dad may have had. She was no longer enabling him. She decided that this way of living was unacceptable for her children and for herself. She stopped making excuses for his behavior when he would do something stupid when he was drunk. She was making him accountable for his actions. She told him if he decided to continue to drink and not go in for help that that was his decision. But his drinking was no longer allowed in the house. He was no longer welcomed in the house if he chose to keep on drinking. She told him that his drinking was affecting his children in a negative fashion. Our grades were suffering at school and we were sick all the time.

I remember telling my Dad that if he would stop drinking that I promised that I would not fight with my sister. I was ten years old at the time! But he didn't seem to care, or at least that was how it felt to the ten year old.

When my Dad found out that my Mom was serious about this and that he could no longer depend on her to take care of him, well that was when he must have taken a good look at himself. Because he finally went in for help.

I also remember asking my Mom if she was going to divorce my Dad. She told me NO. That she loved him very much. But she loved us kids too and as our parent she was there to protect us and have us not have to worry about my Dad's drinking anymore. She said that children should be having fun and not having to worry if our Dad was drunk or not.

Like I said that was thirty years ago. My parents are now in the eighties and recently celebrated their 63rd wedding anniversary! I have a great relationship with my Dad and I love him to pieces. What he decided to do way back then when he went in for help was one of the bravest things I have ever witnessed. I know now as a Adult that this was a difficult process for him.

My parents love each other very much. But I know had it not been for my Mom finally stop enabling my Dad and making him accountable, I don't know if things would have turned out the way they did.

In some ways I think that my Dad has spent the last thirty years trying to make it all up to us. I know he loves me and that feels so good.

I can't tell you ladies to stop enabling your husbands and I can't tell you to take a stand on this for your children's sake. Everyone must work it out the way that works for them. But I do know what worked for "us". And I thank my Mom so much for doing what she did. I thank her for getting her spine back and loving us so much that she would not allow the madness to go on in "her" home anymore. Thanks for reading this. And I wish you all the luck in the world. May God Bless you and help you in your time of need.

11-02-2008, 02:43 PM
The more of I thought about it the more I realized that it hasn't been thirty years that my Dad has been in recovery. It has been closer to 40 years! I guess I forgot just how old I really am now! Ha! Ha!

I still hope that in some way my post will help someone see how the children of a alcoholic feels. Thank you again for reading my post.

11-03-2008, 07:13 AM
The bottom line is, you can not help him unless he wants help..he has to want to stop..If he does not, It is all for naught,,And you go on living with a alcoholic for many many years that you hope will change or just stop the madness...Then you wake up, you are allmost 50 and he is 51,,has liver desease and heart desease..Still this does not wake him up but put up more denial fences up..He'll say it is not from drinking beer everyday, It is from every thing slse !!!! Nothing seems to open up an alcoholics eyes Unless they want opened uped..I have been married to my hubby for over 20 years...He will not stop, you can not make him stop..He will only stop when and only if he wants too..So go to al allon and learn to live them or learn to live without them...And then if you are lucky, and he is smart....he will get educated and get help..Cause you can not do this alone..Most people can not..And then he may live over the age of 60..and have a couple of years of what happy is what really all about !! Hugs, Studey

11-04-2008, 05:07 PM
No matter how hard it is-you need to take care of you and your kids.
Try an Intervention.