View Full Version : My Husband is a Stoner: Help!

01-14-2009, 01:44 AM
HI, you are going to wonder why I married someone who smokes weed when he did it while dating of all things! Well, while dating, I knew he smoked occasionally and with certain guys he hung out with. He's 38 now and I am 42, and we've been married almost 9 years. He has a college education and while I earn most of the income in our household, he contributes a lot in other ways. However, I have been noticing that now he gets high everyday and probably has been for at least a year, probably more.

It is annoying because he often doesn't remember things I say and will sometimes play video games for a couple of hours while he's high. I often don't feel like he's "all there". Of course, I know all the medical issues regarding marijuana use, the problem is I don't know how to deal with this emotionally and from a relationship standpoint.

He of course denies not remembering things, and justifies it by saying that not everyone can remember everything. He becomes defensive if I query him about it. We own a business, that he runs, and I suspect he buys the stuff with occasional cash withdrawals: I have NO IDEA how much he spends or how much he buys. Boy do I feel stupid. Please, any advice will help,


01-14-2009, 08:52 PM
Have you told him how this effects you and your marriage and if u got kids, there life.

01-14-2009, 10:11 PM
ok so i have been with my husband 4 9 years marries for 4 he smokes on a daily basis i to understad you frustation. the vidio games, eatin all the snacks everything forgetting and just plain being stupid, i know when he has stopped for a while here or there it was hell. whoever thinks u dont w/d from pot is retarded cause you do maybe not physical like i did with vics but metally absoulutly, mood swings the whole nine, really i dont have an answer to ur ? but just know you are not alone and if you figure something out please let me know ...... good luck newlife121208

01-15-2009, 02:39 PM
Thanks for writing me back: to answer a couple questions---
Yes, I have told him how it makes me feel. The justifications he gives and the lack of accountability are draining me. We don't have kids, and don't plan on starting a family (just our lifestyle). So, today he made a point of saying he did not smoke yesterday. Well, I had to be really nice about that, but i fear, like one of you already pointed out, that he won't be able to go for long without some side effects of withdrawal. I am going to try to talk to him about this and let him know I want to help him get through it.

01-22-2009, 10:04 AM
Its gonna be hard to get through to him if you try talking...i used to smoke weed but i stopped...but my friends that still do they dont listen...i think you should talk to someone else that can help him if worse comes to worse...like a dr and whatnot...just make sure he doesnt smoke in the house or keeps the bud in the house

01-23-2009, 09:11 AM
He doesn't smoke in the house, but I have found the bud in the house. Why is not keeping it in the house important? In the last week he seems to have cut back since I had a major meltdown about it. I'm not convinced, however. I usually work 2 or 3 days a week. When I only work 2 days in a week, I notice the smoking and mood changes more.

01-23-2009, 09:15 AM
this is who he is, this is his lifestyle. You knew this when you married him, did you expect to change him? Or did you just assume that he'd change once you were married? You're fighting a losing battle, either you like/love/accept him for who he is, or divorce him and move on. He may change and quit for you, but it's not his choice and he will resent you for it, sneak it on the side, hide it and lie to you. Those are your 2 options......

01-23-2009, 10:26 AM
The concern about having it in the house is the small possibility that he will get busted. The cops won't bother asking whose pot it is, they'll just arrest everyone. And if you have kids, you could lose them, plus what if the kids find it? I'm sure you don't want your kids smoking, but it's hard to make a stance against drugs if their dad is doing it.

I used to date a guy who was hiding his crack habit from me. We went to a concert one night and after he dropped me off, he got pulled over and had a rock in his truck. What if I'd been with him? I'd have gone to jail and lost my son due to having a possession charge. A friend of mine had that happen, when she was pulled over and her boyfriend had hidden his drugs in her purse. She was arrested with him and had to drop out of school and give up her dream of being a grade school teacher, because she had this possession arrest. Now she's unemployed and living with her parents at age 25.

I know that many people think pot isn't that bad, that it's about the same as coming home and having a beer or a glass of wine after work. Well that may be true, but the fact is, it's illegal. You can get busted for pot just the same as for heroin or crack. So if your husband chooses to indulge, he needs to realize this. Also, who does he buy it from? If the dealer comes to your house he may be watched, or if your husband goes to his house or meets him in a public place, the cops could be watching. It's more than just an annoyance.

07-04-2009, 11:03 AM
Take it from one who knows... he may be on a downhill trajectory. The biggest mistake of my life was staying in a situation with someone who put weed as priority number one over his child and his wife.

Keep in mind that there is the very real possibility of him developing amotivational syndrome. Living with a partner with this syndrome is misery. Take it from one who knows. Especially if you have a child together.

It takes a long time and A LOT of weed to mess up your brain to the point of amotivational disorder, but I have watched it happen to my soon to be ex-husband and it has been an awful ride.

Weed's no different than alcohol. It's fine if you can handle it socially. But if someone is doing it in excess, every day, to the point where it's messing up their health, their memory, their motivation, their sex life or any other part of their life, then they've got a problem.

Don't think wishfully. Don't fool yourself that he will stop or things will change. Don't wait too long, like I did, to address the problem. Don't go right into denial with him. He'll never do anything about it until he can see and acknowledge there is a problem. But if he refuses, there is nothing you can do. You need to accept that early on. I wish I did.