View Full Version : I'm feeling sick as a result of losing my mom

03-17-2009, 04:30 PM
My mom died four months ago. I had moved cross country a year and a half prior to care for her. She had terminal cancer. It was a bumpy time. When I was told she needed hospice, I was in agony. My mom's friends told me to basically get over it and be strong for my mom or else she would hold on. I did this and somehow locked away all my emotion in a box.

After my mom died, I cleaned out her (our) apartment, went to Europe to stay with her half sister, went back to her home state and then moved back to the west coast. It was a very chaotic time. Throw two psycho siblings in the mix and that was my nightmare. For the most part, I was okay. I am a very emotional person so I was surprised at how well I was taking it.

I noticed my stomach is hurting all the time. It's like a tight fist. It hurst constantly. I also took my blood pressure in a pharmacy yesterday and noticed I have high blood pressure. I have a history of low blood pressure plus I'm on xanax.

I am slowly starting to feel the box opening and it's really painful. Sometimes I can barely breathe. Sometimes I will be talking about something else and it will be like the dam broke and I cannot stop crying.

I went to a bereavement group a few weeks ago. The woman moderator was sort of cold and didn't seem authentic to me. Then she called me after only two meetings and told me I needed one on one therapy because I had all this rage towards my siblings.

I thought anger was a normal part of the grieving process. I have since found another group. I go to my first meeting tonight.

I guess I just wanted to vent...and maybe find someone else who knows how this feels. Whenever I felt alone, I would just call my mom. Now, I can't.

03-17-2009, 05:47 PM
First I want to send you my deepest sympathy for your loss. Losing a parent must be a terrible loss.

I think your mother's friends were wrong to tell you to basically get over it. No, that isn't something you just get over. I mean, yes you should have tried to be strong in front of your mom, but then also allow yourself to hurt, grieve her illness and also cry when you weren't around her. Boxing it up inside you didn't really allow you to deal with all the feelings that come along with preparing for a terminally ill loved on to pass on. I understand the concept behind what her friends were telling you, but it wasn't their mother that was passing away.

I understand why this is all starting to affect your health. It's been locked away and supressed for a long time sweetie. And now, it's coming out in a way that is affecting you physically.

There is no wrong way to grieve, and yes- anger can very often be a part of it. You have to allow yourself to grieve in your own way. Get it out, deal with all the emotions that come forward and don't feel guilty for going through it your way. I've told many people what I'm telling you.

If you need to tear the living daylights out of a tree with an axe- do it. If you need to sit in the middle of your room and scream- do it. Whatever needs to be done to get all the grief out of your system. This will help you to come to terms with the loss of your mom, and will also help you to move forward and honor your mother's life and memories.

I would also suggest trying to do something positive such a plant a tree. Maybe a Bradford Flowering Pear tree in her memory. (They are so beautiful when they mature and blossom) This can help celebrate and serve as remembrance of the beauty of your mom, her life and her memory.

I'm sending thoughts of comfort and strength your way. Best wishes.

03-20-2009, 06:50 PM
Thank you so much for your response. It was very kind and compassionate which is something I don't get a lot of these days.

I went to the bereavement group and it really helped. There were a lot of people going through what I'm going through. It was comforting to be around people who could understand the magnitude of my loss and the events leading up to it. Aside from losing my mom, I ate through my savings while caring for her and now am having problems finding work. I am staying with an aunt in California and getting further in debt on my credit cards. She doesn't really understand how stressful it all is. the night i got home from the bereavement group, she scolded me for spending too much time alienated in the room and told me that it wasn't going to work if I didn't spend more time in the living area (I understood it as a threat to kick me out which would really turn my life upside down as I have no place to go and no money). My aunt thinks she's helping me but she isn't. She thinks the "tough love" approach is going to somehow alleviate the heartache and the stress surrounding my status in life. I need to focus on getting a job and with the hard economic times and the over saturated job market, that isn't easy. I also don't want to be around people. I want to be alone. I don't think it's unhealthy at all.

I like the idea of planting a tree in her memory. I will do that one day.

05-14-2011, 09:32 PM
don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. i lost my mother very suddenly 7 weeks ago, and have since lost my mind trying to be "the strong one" for everyone else, all the while screaming on the inside that *I* needed help too.

take your time. anger *is* part of the grieving process. you are allowed to feel angry, and it's not healthy to keep it inside. it's affecting you physically, you need to release it.

i hope the best for you.