View Full Version : I've lost my Son to Alcohol

Hopeand Pray
04-17-2009, 02:50 PM
Alcohol has consumed my child. I need to know what I can do to get him out of its grips. I dont even know him anymore. The effects of the alcohol are now running over into his sober time. He is verbally abusive when not drinking and threatens physical abuse when drinking. He has caused physical pain and been physically broken up himself. He was put out of the Air Force for beating up 5 military police. He almost killed a girlfriend in a car accident that left her in a coma and on life support. He cannot just drink one or he always drinks until passed out. And does so on a nightly basis. He fully admits to being an alchoholic and accepts it. He says he is not ready to quit yet. He holds a good job. In his normal state he is a highly intelligent person with everything going for him. But has chosen alcohol over all else. He has a few girls he dates but not one full time relationship. He rents a room in a house I own on the same property I live on. I have allowed him to stay here out of fear that if I kick him out he will drink more. But I am so tired of taking his abusive behavior. Keeping his keys away from him. Fighting with him and his dead weight when brought home passed out to get him to bed. He never gets sick from being drunk and never suffers a hangover. He is able to function enough the next day to go to work or handle his responsibilities. You would never know he was the same person. He is 29 yrs old. I am petrified that I am going to lose him to Alcholism or a related accident. I cannot watch him destroy himself any longer. Please can someone give me any advise of what I can do to get him on the road to recovery.??????

04-17-2009, 03:46 PM
I'm so sorry :-(

Honestly, I would give him an ultimatum....either he quits or he moves out. Don't be an enabler (take this from a child of an alcoholic). It doesn't sound like he is ready, so be prepared to kick him out. I know it sounds harsh, and it's SO scary for you as a mom, but it's best.

Again...I am so sorry that you have to watch your son deteriorate like that. You sound like a GREAT mom!!

04-17-2009, 05:34 PM
my mother lost her son to alcohol me . its too bad there is not alot you can do . until he is ready to get help. but like the other person said dont enable him. an dont give up just let go an mabey in time he will do something about it. the good news is she got me back . just try to be his friend . an tough love is not easy . but is needed . family intervention. who knows what it may take, an remember you have to live to . so detach yourself from the situation . it sounds like it has got ugly enough . call you local aa or alanon hot line for more info . good luck to you. its been 5 years since i had a drink . scott.:) the longer it goes on the worse the alcoholic an his family gets .oh in some cases i have heard of interventions through the persons job local police an the courts . if he is a danger to others an himself this may be an option. this was the combination of all three

04-17-2009, 08:20 PM
I think you should give him an ultimatum. He stops drinking now or he moves out. Tell him it's hard enough to know of his problem but to worry every night if he will be in an accident is more than you can bear. So, for your health, it would be better if he lived elsewhere. That way you won't be listening for the car door when it starts getting late... No news is good news sometimes

Best wishes,


04-17-2009, 09:21 PM
You might want to call the local AA and talk to them for ideas and treatment. You son needs treatment, but he has to hit rock bottom and realize that he needs it before anything will happen. Tough love sometimes is the only choice. It hurts like hell to do it because you love your kids, but it will put him into a position where he realizes that he has a problem. When he comes home sober asking for help - give it to him. Where does he get the money for the alcohol? Cut the supply of money off. If he becomes abusive, call the police.

04-18-2009, 03:42 PM
I feel your despair. How far are you willing to go? My advice is extreme. It sounds like your situation is extreme also. You must get him clear first so that he can see his own dilemma. He will not be willing to go somewhere where he cannot get alcohol but, that is where you need to get him. It is not easy and it must be planned. You will probably need assistance. It must last long enough too. Once he is clear enough for his own mind to think without his need of alcohol, this will also take time, then you must get him to look into and address his own problems that are making him drink. That means therapy. Addiction, in a strange way fills a hole. Once the addiction has been pulled out of that hole something must fill it. Normal people fill it with the joys of life, some not so much. Try to help him find something good to fill it with! Good luck and many blessings for your success.

04-19-2009, 06:05 AM
I lost one brother to alcohol in 1985 at the age of 33, and am in the process of losing another. Both were very successful, and both had families of their own. In the process, and along the road to alcoholism, they lost everything.

With the first brother, he went through treatment 4 times, each time coming out clean and sober. For a while, he worked as a treatment counselor. But the alcohol always drew him back.

I am the baby of 7, and the entire family went through counseling along with him. We learned how NOT to enable. Let me say that it is VERY difficult, and probably drove my dad to an earlier grave than should have.

My mother is still alive today, and at the age of 83, just over the past year and a half, she has had to kick out my other brother who moved in to help "care" for her. He is now living on the streets. We had to have him arrested three times last summer, because he was breaking into my mother's house, threatening harm to her. Luckily, she lives across from the Police Department, and they witnessed the break ins.

He has been offered everything, and even went so far as to allow us to bring him to a treatment facility/half-way house in the next town over. But after just 30 minutes there, he walked out and hitched a ride back to our little town.

It's VERY hard to watch your loved one try to "find" their bottom. Some don't have one. I believe with all my heart that this brother will NEVER find his bottom, and sadly, we are all just waiting for that "call".

So in closing, I tell you all of this to simply say, that if your son does not WANT help, he will not seek it. And sadly, there's nothing you can do. What you MUST do is take care of yourself, protect yourself, and DO NOT feel guilty for doing so.

As other's have said, give him and ultimatim, and let him know he is no longer welcome on your property. Have him move out, and let him know when he is READY, you will be there for him with open arms.

I am soooo sorry you are going through this, as I have seen the HUGE amounts of sorrow, sadness, and pain my brothers have caused my parents. It's not fair to put added stress and strain in my mom's life when she is living her "golden" years. I can see the deep sadness of her soul.

I hope and pray your boy will seek help, but if he does not, you cannot OWN the responsiblity for his choices. Please do not let his choices destroy the chance at a peaceful and happy existance for yourself. Please contact Al-Anon. They were a huge help for myself, along with counseling, to help me know that it was my brothers choices, and not MINE, and that basically there was nothing we could do till he decides he's READY to become sober.

By sharing my story, I hope I have not offended you, as it was not my intent. Nor did I mean to scare you or come off as uncaring. I love my brothers very deeply.

I will say some extra prayers for you! :angel:


04-19-2009, 06:28 AM
Sadly enough I watch what you are describing from my own mother and not 1 but 2 brother daily. This has been an on going thing for years. The only way at one time it was stopped, was one moved out of state trying to get his life in order and the other is now in prison, which led my mom to requesting the help from my other brother to return home. I don't want to sound rude, but as I watch and listen to both sides from the situation, can I ask you a personal question?...Are you on them a lot about their personal life, their future and so on? Is anything they do you feel they can do more or better? Do you find comfort in knowing that they need your help? None of these questions are to blame or anything, I am just asking out of the perception of the situation over here that I witness.

My one brother will be getting out of prison soon, of course he is coming out clean and sober and the other brother that is caring for my mom will have to leave, beings two brothers drinking leads to disaster...But, one thing the brother says to me about the situation is "he is glad his brother is getting out of prison, but he will be drinking again w/ in 30 days after mom gets done w/ him"...I asked what he meant, and he said all mom does is complain about everything and especially their choice of living, choice of women, money, her kids, choice of friends, etc.,etc.....

When my brother moved out of state he told me that he knew he had a problem and knowing that mom wasn't there anymore to pick up the pieces he was doing better because for once he had to stand on his own....Mind you, he is really bad again, but he is living w/ my mom and just as many are saying maybe its time to do the tough love thing and cut the ties in hopes for the best. I know its nice to know your needed, and knowing we can help our children as we did when they were little was a great feeling, but sometimes it can be damaging...

There is more to the story of years of all this that I could go on, but the bottom line is, no ultimatum is going to work, its letting them stand and fall on their own and the key word is "alone" here for them....I know it pulled my brother together, at least for awhile.....I wish you the best..I know it is hard to watch such things w/ your own child.....Being a mom is the hardest thing in life....

Hopeand Pray
04-20-2009, 12:23 PM
Thank you so much for sharing your story about your brothers with me. You have not offended me in the least. I need to hear what others are doing to deal with this. Because I love him so much It is very hard to know what to do. But it is getting harder and harder to watch him destroy himself and take the verbal abuse that he hands out so easily. I know I must tell him to go but it will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. He is my only child. Thanks to you I feel a little more focused on what I should do and a little stronger to do it.

God Bless you and your mother. I hope and pray your brothers will find their way to letting go of this horrible monster. You will all be in my prayers daily.

04-20-2009, 01:32 PM
Oh, my heart breaks for you! To hear the pain you deal with and to feel so hopeless makes me want to just shake your son and tell him to wake up. I can't imagine breaking my Mothers heart this way! I just can't. However, what I do understand is the GRIP addiction can have and your son is being held tight right now.

I agree with the others on this board about the ultimatum. Also, I watch a show on Monday nights called "Intervention" it's on a cable station and I don't know if I can state which station it's on without getting in trouble but I am sure you can figure it out. It shows a lot about these type of situations and may be of some help. Also, calling AA or Alanon is a GREAT idea too.

I will keep you and yours in my prayers.. I pray things start to get better for you because no one deserves to live this way!

Hang in there and keep us posted!

Hopeand Pray
04-20-2009, 02:37 PM
Dear Dolejaly,
Thank you so much for your reply and for sharing your story with me. Yours sounds a lot like that of Spinalmalady (Becky) who also responded to my post. In fact I thought at first I was reading the same reply over again. Your stories have helped me more than you know. As I told Becky, My love for my son makes it hard to see the situation clearly and know what to do. To answer your question about if I am on him about the way he lives and always telling him he could do better. I am always on him about his drinking. I take pictures and videos of him and show him when he is sober. I make sure he remembers all that I do about his behavior because conveniently the black outs keep him from having to deal with that part. He is almost 30 and is concerned about his biological clock. I tell him he has chosen his mate and her name is alcohol. If he wants a wife he first must get a divorce. But as far as his responsibilities of life. I really can't complain he holds a good job. Whenever he has not worked he finds temporary employment to carry him through. He is responsible in every way. Even his hygene is good. Its just at the end of the day when all is said and done. He abuses himself to the point of oblivion. And as I think any mother would say, I never want him to not need me or want me to be his mom. But no I do not and have not ever babied him. I wish sometimes he would take my help. The truth is when I want to help him I have to force him to take it. This is one thing that is very hurtful to me is that anytime I offer what I would consider normal mothery help. He turns me down flat to the point of hurting my feelings. And he has no clue.

I'm sorry that you and your mother are going through this only double. And that you recognize the pain your mother is suffering, but the pain a sister suffers can sometimes be just as deep. You will all be in my prayers daily. God Bless you all.
And again thank you for sharing your story with me.

Hopeand Pray
04-20-2009, 02:59 PM
Dear Subtrain,
I have thought of this many times. I agree this would be the ideal way to go. And my ultimate plan. My problems, not enough man power. Unfortunatly his friends are alcoholics too. And the men in our family could not hold him. Finances are another problem although I have been saving for just such an event. Therapy, I believe will help him. He has an anger in him that is much deeper than I can get to. I would give my life to see him let it go. I thank you for your advice. I couldn't believe someone had the same idea. I believe it would work. If I can find a way to pull it off. God Bless you.

Hopeand Pray
04-20-2009, 03:08 PM
Thank you for giving me HOPE. Your mother is a very lucky woman. I applaude your sobriety and the strength you have found to fight this monster. I have thought of intervention but think at this point he would laugh and walk out. But I have not ruled it out completly. I do believe he is a danger to others and himself and will take your advice and contact the local police and the courts. God Bless you and keep up the fight. I will pray for you.

Hopeand Pray
04-20-2009, 03:17 PM
THANK YOU ALL so much for your advice and heartfelt concerns. As sad as it is it really helps to know that you are not alone in a situation you have no control over. Thank you for letting me know that it is okay to make the abuse stop in my life. As a mother I feel so responsible, or like I should be able to fix it. But I can't. No matter how much I wish I could. No matter how much it breaks my heart to see my child destroy himself. I can't express how much your support has meant to me. It helps, It really does help. God Bless you all.

04-20-2009, 06:24 PM
hi. hope an pray. glad to hear from you just keep praying an useing this board for support . i was a hand full in my day 6ft5 250. the violence in this day an age i hope it does not go on long .just keep doing what our doing . thank you for helping me to see how important my friendship is with my mother . i said friendship because i found out as i got older it was important for us both to be friends . ya at 41 she acts like ma sometimes but its better as friends . so just be your sons best friend hopefully he will in time see that. god bless an keep us updated . we are all here to help each other :):wave::angel:an hopefully insead of loseing a son you will gain a friend . tell him grow up

04-22-2009, 06:11 AM
Dear hope, as in your name we shall always have hope. My advice comes from from hindsight.
If I had known then what I know now.
Your dilemma and my past dilemmas remind me of an ending I once read in a novel, Message in a Bottle. It was also a good movie. Somewhere we make a decision on just how far we are willing to go to end something. save something or attempt to make something better.
Mind you, not ENABLE.
The love you have for your son is unquestionable. You know as a mother how deep it is.
Anything and everything in this world is possible. Your son is NOT a lost cause. Nothing in this world dooms anyone to any particular destiny. Even Christ made his decision on His destiny.
The solution for your son's problem is here. It just has to be found. There is so much information and help out there for you and him. I know, really I know, how completely exhausting, hurtful, and the feelings of total despair that consume your existence when dealing with this.
You do not have to carry this burden alone. There is a Higher Power and a Deeper Cause, how ever you wish to believe, Faith will balance you and show you how to find peace as you work through this. But, Faith is like a muscle, you must use it or you loose it.
If the proper solution is put into action, your son will become the man he really is suppose to be.
The downside of washing your hands and saying you have done all you can, is that the questioning in your being, in the years to come, "did I really do all I could have?" never goes away.
That has been very difficult for me and I wish it on no one.
I wish you success. Many blessings and prayers from me to you, your family and your son. I pray you find the peace you need to focus and help your son relieve this pain that is taking his life. I must go wipe my eyes,you have no idea how close you are. Have Faith!

09-10-2011, 12:17 AM
I'm young like your son and I've had my addictions to drugs and alcohol as well. You can give him an ultimatum but even that won't really work. When I was addicted I was numb to everything. I didn't care about anything. If u say stop or leave I'm sure he'll say whatever and leave and just go figure out another way to live. Usually people with addictions to this stuff there's basically an underlining reason. And in order for him to become sober and better he needs to heal his reasonings. I suggest you hold an intervention. But most of all don't ever stop showing you love him. And don't give up on him. If he sees that you can't believe in him how do you expect him to believe in himself. Some of us aren't as strong as we'd like to be. Just hang in there.