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View Full Version : what are the chances i can repair the damage i have done??


nance484
04-21-2009, 10:09 AM
im 21 and female and am slightly overweight. i have had a lot of problems with depression, anxiety, self harm and all sorts, it has been a roough ride. when i first began having problems however i was very strict, my life was a nightmare and i lived day to day trying to distract myself from giving up. I was very disciplined, i have attention deficit disorder but with my school work i went mental at it, it takes an age and a lot of stamina to get anywehre but i went full pelt at it, now though after years of wrecking myself i have almost given up, im burnt out.

I also was very strict with my life style, when things turned bad i used it to control what i couldnt in everything else. i restricted my food intake until i was only eating 500 cals a day and it was stuff like seed and bread, then id fast for days. I went insane with excercise until it hurt and my entire week was filled with high intensity sports and my own little routines. i was slightly obbsessed and would go at it until i felt faint and dizzy, i never ate enough to withstand what i did but strangley i never passed out when anyone else would have. I have a strange body, thankfully i never catch flu's or anything but my own body makes itself sick with stress instead and i would prefer a flu or cold any day over what goes on now.

I put my body through a lot of stress, i ate hardl anythng and with school would do several all nighters in a row and i continued to exhaust myself with excercise .i did a lot of high impact sports like martials arts, rugby, hockey and i did mountain hiking as well as wrecking myself with my own activities, evetything i did had to to be intense and somewhat aggressive. Over the years i was injured but never broke anything. I am strong for a girl and always have been. but ive been booted about the head and landed on my ankles and wrists and all sorts when ive been flying in the air doing martial arts, i broke wood and stuff also and i feel a lot and things swoll up randomly a lot. But over the years my ankles would become weak and give way to a sharp pain and id go over on them, they always swoll up and i was always bruised and swollen somewhere. I also have done my knees in a bit, they become stiff and click, it is not sore but uncomfortable, they lock if i do certain things on me, i used to do a lot on the rowing machine, i spent most of my teens years bouncing and putting pressure on them in sports, ive been wacked with hockey sticks and then i hiked mountains uphill carrying heavy equipment.

back then i had a problem with scales and eas obbsessed with cals, weight and meausuring myself. i looked unwell in the face but i did not go underwight, my weight was low for my height but not dangerous and my BMI was 19.3. eventually i starved but my weight did not go down any firthe no matter what, i just felt tired and ill. i got into trouble with freinds and family and had to start eating again so i did but was very angry and have had issues since. i also occasonally purged food but i dont do it and didnt for very long either.

now i dont look at cals at all, i eat a lot of sugar and sweet stuff, i live off bread still and now chicken. i have a very poor diet but im funny with foods and have even since a child, i heave and gag with certain textures and im extremley picky, i try but i cannt take certain foods just.

when i bgegan eating again i developed IBS and still have it. In recent years all forms of excecsise went out the window and i became sore and very untoned. I am not as strong as i was, i smoke 20+ a day now too. i still walk a lot, i love waling and walk for over an hour with no problem because i love it, but thats not enough.

My weight is very sensitive, i put on weight easily and i dont lose it fast either i have to go full pelt at the gym and eat virtually nothing to lose any weight at all. Since i restricted and then went back to eating i gained weight fast and now i find i dont have the flexibiliy i had before in terms of what i can eat and not put on weight. I feel like i ruined my metabolism.

I also developed fibromyaglia, i am very tired a lot and have pain. i was wondering if it could be that as i used to do so much and my muscles and everything were constantly working-is it somehow affecting me now when i do nothing? is it bad to put your body through that and then just stop eventually, i feel like i have the lasting effects or like my body just went into shock. My ankles and wrists give way at times and are weak,occasioanlly my ankle swells up and becomes sore and my knees click and i have to twist them. I have back problems as its become untoned and i have bag posture as well as very tight muscles at the top.

I have come to conclude that i will never be a waif, i am just not built for it. i am not overly tall, im about 5'3, i wieghed more than i looked like i did in the past but now im overweight. I am not built to be delicate and i have always been strong for a girl. i could beat some of the guys in school at arm wrestling and still can with some. I have a problem in that i build muscle fast unfortunatley for a girl that is not what i like too much of. I have fat and then underneath i have hard muscle. My calfs are like mens and rock hard and the msucles are visible when i move or walk, but my thighs are horrendous, they have the shape of muscles that go out from my knees but layered in fat that does not go. When i went to the gym i actually put on weight! i can put on muscles but nothing ever gets toned, the fat doesnt go away and instead i look bigger because my legs bulk up,so if i measure myself the measurement is actually going up despite i eat healthy and i work in the gym.

i become disheartened then and starve because when i eat normal and healthy i only put on weight.

I dont think i can change this, from very young i always did sports that involved strength and i used my legs a lot, it required me to have strong legs but i till do not like looking like a man.

does anyone have any advice please? i have come to the conclusion that the only way i could get better both mentally and phsyically is to change my lifestyle to healthier, excercise and stuff but this holds me back and i worry and become dishearted. When i did all that excercise and didnt eat my measurment s were 34-26-34, yet i should have been emaciated.why does this happen? is there any way i can repair the damage and actually obtain this again but in a healthy way, and how do you lose fat and build muscle-why does it not work for me?

please help, i would like to feel healthy and look healthy again but im not sure were to start :)

pendulum
04-21-2009, 02:16 PM
In order to answer your question, I'd say: "Why not? Your chances are very great because you are still so very young, but even if you were older, you'd have chances as well." It is a question of will-power. You seem to have enough of it.

However, you may need three essential things, in my opinion:

a) Learning ways of slowing down: meditation, yoga or tai chi might help you, but you may also need counselling to guide you along. Please don't give up after a few weeks, claiming it is boring or too slow. Just be firm and wait until you can reap the good results.

b) Finding a naturopath who can devise a suitable diet for you, and stick to it. Try not to follow restrictive diets (such as veganism or even vegetarianism) and enjoy the food you eat, possibly learning to cook as well, as a kind of therapy.

c) Enjoying your life and not being too hard on yourself. You are not alone in the world. Try to help other people who are in need. Use your physical strength, where applicable.

tUrRrRa
05-22-2009, 03:45 PM
Hi there! I'm sorry to hear about your tough past. It sounds like you have been through quite a bit. It sounds like you usually go to extremes and that's where you need to start with making changes. Try your best to make little changes at a time, nothing extreme. Your body will need time to adjust and make your way to being at your healthiest. I agree that you might want to try a more relaxed exercise routine. I think you would use something that will help you de-stress. I love Pilates for a good workout that won't make you bulk up, yet you will be strong and relaxed. I'm actually planning on starting up Pilates again. I also like to go running or jogging. I do a little bit of running (about half an hour- I work out pretty hard so this is plenty for my cardio exercise) and lift some weights, but Pilates always worked well for me in the past! Give it a try.

As for food, if you don't do well with one way of eating, there isn't a reason to force yourself to eat that way. I don't eat a lot of foods that are recommended because they upset my stomach. I can't eat a lot of veggies because of this, so I just eat the ones I can. I get tired of the same foods, but I'd rather feel good. I can't eat certain dairy or bread products, so I Just buy the ones that don't bother me. I buy unhealthy foods only in small portions so I don't get tempted to overeat them. Little things like this can be helpful!

Being strong is way better than being a waif! You don't want to look scrawny and unhealthy. Think about all the good things you can do with your strength. It's good to have some meat on your bones. As for not getting sick often, that is great! I understand what you mean about feeling bad and at times and rather feeling sick. I get depressed/anxious too and it's much harder than just having a cold or flu. It takes a long, long time to get past it and you have to accept that it might always be a part of your life. Just try your best to be strong and positive! If I am feeling down, I try to do something good in my life to get past it to avoid depression. Make sure to treat yourself well! You deserve it! Part of being healthy is feeling happy inside. Depression can cause many physical symptoms that make it difficult to get through life. Treat yourself well and reward yourself with each success that you make on your journey!

Good luck to you :) I hope things get easier for you! Remember, just take things slow. It's easier to keep it up in the long run if you don't do anything drastic.