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View Full Version : Gave 19 year old son ultimatum... Now what??


polly44
04-27-2009, 11:23 PM
Hello to all. I've been lurking awhile, crying a lot, and now I desperately need advice. My son JUST turned 19 (but is very immature), lives at home and has a drug addiction. I knew that he had been experimenting with drugs for the last few few years (and I thought he had stopped). I now know that for most of the past year, he has been high on various drugs daily. I'm not sure if he's addicted to one certain drug, but he will try ANYTHING. He has done Xanax, Cocaine, Meth, Crack, Marijuana, and more. Pretty much whatever he can get, he'll do. He's even used needles. In the last year he has been suspended from school, arrested, wrecked and totaled our car, and lost friends all because of drugs. Not to mention the family turmoil caused by his rage, anger, selfishness, non-feeling, cruel words, LYING, etc. I don't even have room to post everything else he has put us through! He has been grounded permanantly (but he was still getting drugs from kids at school). Nothing stops his drug use. He is a master at lying, hiding it from us, and even altered drug tests, so for a while, we didn't realize....anything. No one else in our family has had any addictions. Now we are educating ourselves as much as we can.

Well moving on now, he was just caught at school with drugs AGAIN. This time he didn't go to jail, but is kicked out of high school (with less than a month til graduation), and also lost his job because of this incident. So we gave him the ultimatum... Go to Rehab or Get out! Of course he accepted rehab because he literally, really has no place to go if he moves out. No one wants him. So he is about to go into a 28 day program. I can't tell whether he REALLY wants help or not, he says he needs help and he'll give rehab his best. He also says he LOVES being high more than anything and can't imagine never being able to be high again. After all we have been through, I am still supportive, but I am secretly VERY doubtful rehab will change anything. I can just sense that he doesn't want to change. He has been told if he checks himself out early he can't come home. And if he completes the program but goes back to using, he is OUT.

IF the rehab doesn't help him, I don't know what else we can do, because love alone hasn't helped at all. But he has no job skills and lost (permanantly) the small job he had. He has no friends, no relatives that would take him in. He does have a vehicle (already paid for - no payment), I guess he could sleep in it if he had to. I really want your opinions on whether it is ok to turn a 19 year old out of the home under these circumstances, IF he doesn't stay clean or checks out of rehab early. Is that what I'm supposed to do to for him to have a wake up call, and hit rock bottom? I never thought I'd have to think about using tough love, but kicking him out is the only thing left we haven't tried. I would feel awful doing it, but I have to try and save the rest of my family, we have other kids and they have been deeply affected. He has affected the whole family in unbelievable ways. But is he too young to turn out at 19? I can't help but worry... what if he mixes the wrong drugs, or overdoses, what if he hurts himself, or someone else?

As you can see, I'm REALLY struggling between the logic of doing what seems to be the right thing and the guilt of turning an immature 19 year old out with no place to go. I keep thinking it would be more black and white if he was older. I've never been here before and I REALLY don't know what to do.

I hope and pray every day that he will finish rehab (he starts in a couple days) and stay clean so that I never have to face the decision to throw him out, but for my own sanity, I need to have a plan in place if he does keep messing up. We can't continue living like this.

Sorry for the long post. If you did read all this, thank you so much for taking the time. And please help me if you can.

56789
04-28-2009, 12:10 AM
hi it sounds like your doing all you can do for now , an only time will tell like you said , for me i did not know how i was going to deal with life without something , until i got sick an tired of being sick an tired . drugs are so powerful over our thoughts , you could try a longer program or na an aa meetings, drug councleing , after he gets out as manditory , an some day the court may send him . you will want to know as much as possible , an i know its heart wrenching . but you are doing the right thing , you are no longer a door matte. you can also call these programs for additional help . in your local phone book , see if he is willing to chat with us other addicts, some times i dont know what to say , but hang in there an know your doing all you can . an i can feel your pain , i am a recovering addict , got more questions , just ask us god bless i will pray for your familt scott:):wave:

ozzybug
04-28-2009, 10:11 AM
Polly-
Sweetie, as hard as it may seem, YES it is absolutely 100% ok to make your 19 year old leave your home. In the law's eyes he's an adult so you won't be breaking any rules. If the car is paid for then let him take it, BUT make sure if you carry the insurance to cancel it before he leaves in it. Let him know he will have to get his own insurance coverage.

I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly. Addiction affects those of us who love the addicted so deeply. It sounds like you have done everything in your power at this point. Right now, your son has YOU backed into a corner and unfortunately you are going to have to stick to your guns and employ tough love.

If he isn't ready to kick this problem then rehab is going to do him no good, but don't give up hope yet because you never know, something may just click while he is there. He may make a complete 180 you know? I hope and pray this is the case. If he does complete rehab successfully then when he gets out, you will need to extremely aware of his habits and make him stay away from the influences that trigger him to use.

I know this is a horrible thing for a parent to endure, but sweetie you have to stay tough and follow through regardless of how hard it is. It may be the only thing that will save his life. You can not continue to suffer because of his addictions.

Best wishes.

subtrain
04-28-2009, 10:14 AM
Take the car too. Knowing he will also abuse his driving privilages and possibly endanger someone else's life, driving under the influence, take the car. Yes, it is sooooo hard to do what is right sometimes. You spend most of your adult life taking care and making sure they have what they need and more and now you feel you are throwing him to the wolves.
Right now, once again, you have to do for him what he needs.
Hold fast.
No room to wiggle.
He will figure out where his bottom is. you can't do that for him.
And, of course addicts find it hard to believe they could live in a world without getting high . Good luck and blessings.

Angelique43
04-28-2009, 10:20 AM
Hi Polly44
I have just sorta been cruisin' these message boards lately, mainly only reading or posting where i have had the same experiences myself. I have only responded to a few as i'm kind of a private person but when i really feel strongly that i can help another human being than i do try. So here it goes.
First let me say that i feel for your situation. Please know that you are not alone. Alot of parents have had to make the same tough decisions that you are faced with right now. As a parent it is heart wrenching that you have to consider throwing your child out to face the music on his own if he does not complete his rehab or starts using again afterwards. But please know that you are doing the right thing! You show great strength in being able to do this. I highly commend you & praise you for your courage & willpower! This is what you need to be doing at this time in order to give your son a serious wake up call. So please, stick to your guns! Do not falter in your decision because the decision that you have chose is the one that your son needs right now. You must show him this tough love, for him, yourself, as well as the rest of your family as this affects all involved. It sounds like you are not willing to enable him in any way & that is a very good thing! Never enable him. The only thing that worries me is that you have stated that he loves getting high. It doesn't sound at all like he is ready or that he wants the help or sobriety for himself & thats a really big problem because he has to hit rock bottom & really want this for himself. If he doesn't, it never works. He will continue to use, lie, cheat, steal, & whatever it takes to get his drugs. I know this from past experience. My b/f was a crackhead for 16 yrs & he told me that he loved getting high & that he didn't want to quit. I cried endless tears & tried getting him into rehab, the whole 9 yards but nothing worked. I finally had enough after he stole from me, cheated on me, lied to me, etc. and i threw him out. Didn't hear a word from him until a few yrs later while watching the local news that he had been found dead of a drug over dose behind a store just a few houses away from where we had lived together & the saddest part of all was the fact that he still had his crack pipe clutched between his fingers when they found his body. I could tell you horror stories of what this man put me through but i know you are going through some of the exact same things with your sons addiction. I just want you to know that you are not alone & that you are doing the right thing. Tough love hurts us, but its the best & right thing to do. I really do praise you for being so strong because its so easy to be an enabler. You have great courage! Stay strong & do not falter & i wish you & your family all the best. I will pray for you & your family.
:angel:

dolejaly
04-28-2009, 10:23 AM
hi it sounds like your doing all you can do for now , an only time will tell like you said , for me i did not know how i was going to deal with life without something , until i got sick an tired of being sick an tired . drugs are so powerful over our thoughts , you could try a longer program or na an aa meetings, drug councleing , after he gets out as manditory , an some day the court may send him . you will want to know as much as possible , an i know its heart wrenching . but you are doing the right thing , you are no longer a door matte. you can also call these programs for additional help . in your local phone book , see if he is willing to chat with us other addicts, some times i dont know what to say , but hang in there an know your doing all you can . an i can feel your pain , i am a recovering addict , got more questions , just ask us god bless i will pray for your familt scott:):wave:


Very well suggested......From pure experience, (not myself), but very close friends that I have seen go through so much, that a person that has not been down that road can not have an idea of what he is thinking, feeling, etc....But, having someone to relate to that understands is a great start. For some reason ultimatums don't work, but a lot of patience and leading the person you care about towards the right direction is the best way. Having a sponser in their life is a life saver from what I have witnessed. it's easy for a person that is not in thier shoes to suggest to another, just quit the drugs or drinking, can't be that hard....but it is hard and a sponser understands and will do what they can to help from their own experience and knowledge....


A very close friend of mine once said "he had to hit rock bottom before he opened his eyes"..he almost died, but he lost everything and it brought him back...

Angelique43
04-30-2009, 12:58 AM
Polly44,
Was just thinking about you & your situation that you're going through right now & just thought i would come back to see if you had posted since your original post. I see you have not. If you find the time please come back & give us all an update & let us know how you're doing & whether your son has made any progress, or even if he hasn't. We are here for you & we all care. Like i've said before i rarely post but whenever i do i like to stick around for updates & progress, etc. I'm only 43 but have lived some real nightmares! And i only post as to where i have first hand experience because its so easy for people to say "do this or do that" but unless they've walked in your shoes then they really can't imagine the true horrors or depths of a situation, though they try & that is very much appreciated. You will find alot of compassionate, kind, caring, understanding, & knowledgable people on these boards & it really helps just to sometimes read the posts & replys. I found this out months ago when i came across these boards by accident while surfing the web for info. about a few surgeries that i had to have done on April 14th. I have been so sick, sore, etc since my surgeries but i think i'm doing better but thats another thread & this one is about you. Just know that you're not alone & i'll keep you & your family in my prayers, as well as all other posters connected to this thread. Take care.
Angelique

alexainie
04-30-2009, 02:21 PM
Hi, I'm also new to this board and have been lurking and reading for awhile, but your post really touched me. As an addict and alcoholic in recovery who put my family through a lot, I can only give you my experience, strength, and hope. What I suggest you do, at least while your son is in treatment, is focus on SELF CARE. Know that he is safe there and take that time to learn all you can about the disease of addiction, because it IS a family disease. Attend some meetings (Nar-anon, Al-anon, or other recovery meetings) to learn how to accept the addict in your life without letting him take over your life. While your son is in treatment, people with no personal connection to him will be helping him, which means they will not be affected by his attempts to cajole, manipulate, or control them. At the same time, they can look at his addictions objectively and help him to do so as well. This is a good thing. Try not to worry about what will happen when he leaves there. If you equip yourself with some coping skills, you will be better able to handle whatever comes along in the future. He is very young, so only time will tell.

I commend you on taking a strong approach with your son early on. You are so brave and I know it must be tearing your heart out, as a mother myself, I know that it's always so hard to see my kids suffer and they are still little. It must be unbearable for you. I know it doesn't do any good to tell you not to worry, but if you arm yourself with some knowledge and understanding of his disease you might feel just a tiny bit more prepared. Peace to you, Mama. I will keep your family in my prayers.

reachout
04-30-2009, 02:41 PM
Hi Polly

I heartily second ALEXAINIE'S words to you. Wise words. Get to some Al-Anon an/or Nar-Anon meetings pronto. At these meetings you are going to learn the skills needed to deal with this heart-wrenching situation. Just as Son has much to learn about addictive behavior, so do you.... not only to help him, but to help yourself survive. Love him and care about him, but it is just as vital that you do the same for you.

With hope
reach

polly44
05-07-2009, 04:48 AM
I cannot express how much I appreciate all of your replies, I am truly touched by all the caring and wisdom. And Angelique, thank you for posting, you said you are usually very private, so I really appreciate it. Sorry it has taken so long for me to post an update, thanks for bearing with me.

19 year old son completed 5 day detox and was supposed to go straight into 28 day residential program (same facility) but there wasn't a bed immediately available, so he has been here at home for a few days waiting. We're told it shouldn't be much longer. He's not using, but it may be just because he's not been allowed to leave the house or contact anyone. He does want to go back for rehab, he loved it there, said everyone was so kind and accepting. Of course he was only there for 5 day detox, so the "hard part" hasn't started yet. Unfortunately, I still get a STRONG feeling that he doesn't really want this help. I can see it in his attitude and things he says. He doesn't seem serious at all about changing things, and if that is the case, I doubt anything will make a difference, not until he's ready. His addiction hasn't really costed him anything yet. He still loves drugs above all. But I haven't given up hope, I love my son so much, and I pray that these 28 days will help him find his way.

Since I last posted I have found Nar-anon meetings in my area and plan to start attending. I have also educated myself more about addiction and the families and I have had a change of heart about what should happen after rehab. Now I am questioning whether to let him come back to live at home after rehab at all. From what I've learned, bringing a young adult addict back to the family home right after rehab is often a recipe for disaster for the addict, and can make it easier for them to relapse. I've learned that they need to be responsible for themselves and their own recovery at this point. Not to mention the risks to the rest of the family. I hate to say it, but our home was peaceful and relaxed during those 5 days my son was gone. First time in a long time we weren't walking on eggshells, and I hadn't even realized how bad things had actually gotten. There has been so much pain and anger over the last couple years and his presence is now splintering the family home. His father will not even speak to him, he's trying to avoid the argument that always ensues. He has heart problems and more than once, these arguments have led to life-threatening health emergencies. They have never gotten along (mistakes on both their parts), but this is the worst it's ever been. So they just ignore each other completely. And one of my daughters, who has been deeply hurt by her brother over and over, has temporarily moved in with friends, won't come back until he is gone again, refusing to even see or speak to him. Her pain has given way to anger. My other daughter is still here, but her feelings for her brother have changed too, she is just sick and tired of him. I didn't realize the extent of damage to our family and how my son's addiction has slowly taken us over - until he was gone for 5 days and came back.

So now I am gently encouraging my son to at least consider a half-way (sober living) house after rehab. We were told about it by the rehab facility so I think it is up to them to determine need and to set him up with the half-way house, but there is a lengthy waiting list. Of course since he is 19, he will have to request it himself, and he does NOT want it. So we are trying to come up with other ideas. One is... if he completes the 28 days (and if the half-way house doesn't happen), we set him up in an apartment or small rent house by paying expenses for one month, after which he will be responsible. He would have to get a job during that first month and take care of his own bills thereafter. We don't want to do the "no contact" thing but we think it would be beneficial for him to take care of himself and have actual responsibilities for once. What do you think?

We would much rather he be in a sober living half-way house with structure aimed at recovery, but I don't know if he is willing, and the waiting list can be 1-6 months long. But, as I'm learning, I really don't think we should risk bringing him back home, for his own recovery's sake. And also considering the shape our family is in, we can't risk having a front row seat to a relapse, should it happen.

I'm learning as I go, and sometimes I feel like I'm just stumbling around in the dark, so I welcome any bits of enlightenment from those more experienced than me. I just desperately want to do what will be best for ALL involved, but that seems to be a very tall order. Again, thanks for the help and compassion you've all given. You have all given me great comfort.

emsmom
05-07-2009, 05:42 AM
Hello Polly,

I am so glad to hear your son is doing well. Detox is a pretty hard step, as the body is getting rid of all drugs. Your son went through quite a bit during detox, however you were right - the hard part is coming - abstinence from all drugs. 15% of recovery is getting off the drugs...85% is lifestyle change.

You are a wonderful mother, don't ever forget that. It is great that you have attended nar-anon meetings. Take as much out of those meetings as you can.

When your son is in Rehab (and you are visiting him), allow him to talk. Let him get it all out. I'm sure you'll find he is a different person as each day goes by.

Also, you may feel a little "emptiness" while he's gone - that is perfectly normal. Don't be so hard on yourself, especially if you start feeling like you "sent" him off somewhere. What you've done for your son might possibly be the best thing a parent could do for their child :)

I wish him much luck during his program. Please tell him I'll be thinking of him, and to strive for the very best while there. It's going to be intense, but he has to remember this is HIS recovery...he gets to choose how well it goes :)

Sincerely,
emsmom

dolejaly
05-07-2009, 06:06 AM
I agree w/ some here about getting to meetings, Not " I plan to", but to get to the meetings....A very very close friend of mine almost died during his time into drug and alcohol use, he wouldn't even leave his room during his habits at that time, he would have a pail to use as a toilet, so being alone might not be the best way......Why do people turn to drugs/alcohol in the first place?, they feel alone?...If he feels isolated after going through all of this, as you said you don't think he really wants to, so obviously he is doing it for the family, so isolating him into a place of his own so close to his release on rehab might be disastrous as well. It sounds to me that your son has issues w/ siblings and his father even before the addiction problem. Has any other health issues been ruled out? Maybe a suggestion is while he is waiting for a bed that you as a family go to every meeting possible, or just you and him...Keep the ball a rolling that has been started. Call the rehab center and ask them for some advice during this waiting period. Maybe they feel he has to do this alone, I don't know....I guess every case is different in some manner....But, if you can't make it to talk w/ someone, at least make a call and see what to do during this time.....

I guess every situation is different, so the advice from the rehab would be the best one. My hats off to you for your strength to push on to help your son and your family. It sounds to me that you are the glue that holds it all together.....But, from one mom to another, remember "we can't fix the world"...

Angelique43
05-07-2009, 11:33 AM
Polly44,
I'm so happy to hear back from you. Thanks for giving us all an update. It's weird because none of us know each other, only vicariously through our computers but i found myself worrying about you & your family & wondering if your son had actually been able to go through with the 5 day detox or if he would run away before hand in order to avoid going, which many drug addicts do. He made it to & through the detox & this is great news! And i don't want to take away from that very important accomplishment but i also have to say that now the hard part is coming. I have to be honest & say that i really feel like your son is just not ready & that this is something that he does not want to do. I feel that he is just going through with it as a means to "shut you up" so to speak because you're said that he doesn't take this thing seriously & that his drugs are still most important in his life above all else & that you can see this in his atitude & in the things that he says. This is not a good sign of him sincerely wanting to be free & clean of drugs. I know from past experience that if a person really doesn't want this for themself that it will not work. He will get out & go right back to using/old habits. He has to want this for himself. So i really think that he is just going through all the motions as a means to just "shut you up". And for this i am very sorry because i know that this just rips your heart out because your his mother & you want more than anything to be able to help him & to see him free of the drugs because you love him so very much. I also want to let you know that i think that you are a wonderful, kind, caring, & loving mother & it shows with everything that you have & continue to do for him. Its so sad that he under-appreciates you.
Now, heres my opinion...And its really hard for me to give it because i can kinda see both sides of the coin as an outsider looking in. On one side of the coin i have a problem with the "no contact" issue because i strongly believe that your son may need you the most in his attempt to be & stay drug free. I'm concerned that if he feels alone & isolated that it will push him to want to do drugs. But on the other side of the coin i agree with your change of heart reasonings that it would be better for him if he could move into a half way house afterwards. Because the half way house will keep him motivated in staying clean & they will give him counseling & daily or weekly urine tests to make sure that he is on the straight & narrow. I really do think this would be best for him. It will not be what he wants of course but i think it would be the best solution.
I do not agree with you setting him up in his own apt & paying his first months rent. I would strongly advise against this because this in a way is still enabling him. You might be making things "too easy" for him by doing this. He has to at some point become an adult & take responsibility for himself & his own actions/life/choices. And like you're stated, he really hasn't lost anything with his addiction & this is one of the reasons why he still thinks that "drugs rock". He has to lose something, as sad as that may sound. And i know that hurts because he is your son & you love him & therefore you want the best for him but its true. I wouldn't set him up in his own apt. This is my opinion. I would push towards the half way house. I really feel this would be better as i agree with your change of heart about not allowing him to come back into the home. Of course let him know that after his stint in the half way house that he will be more than welcome to come home for a visit. You have to think about the rest of the family here, husband/siblings, as i see that it is a concern of yours. They are all hurting too & your family has been torn apart by your sons drug use. The rest of the family should not be made to suffer because of your sons selfish actions. They have suffered enough. And may i also suggest that after your sons stay in the half way house, assuming he stays there, it would be a very good idea if all of you as a whole/family participate in some family counseling? This can help get out all of the left over bad feelings & help bring your family back together as a unit.
I also think its great that you're going to be attending the nar-anon meetings! This will help so much. You truely are a great mother & he should feel so lucky to have you.
I really do wish your son/family all the best & i will be praying that all goes well so that your family can have some happiness/peace/normalcy back in your lives. Let your son know that i will be pulling for him & that he can do this! He just has to want it for himself. And from one mother to another, bless your heart! You are doing the right thing. And i'm so sorry for your hurt but it will get better! Just take one day at a time & keep your chin up! And remember...This is not your fault!
I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers. Please keep us posted with any & all updates.
Take care & good luck on your journey ahead.
Angelique

emsmom
05-07-2009, 05:51 PM
Angelique - that was a lovely reply :)

Polly - hope you are doing well today :)

emsmom

Angelique43
05-07-2009, 06:02 PM
emsmom,
Thank you so much. Take care.
Angelique

jolo121
05-07-2009, 06:14 PM
I used to say and still beleive that a person has to hit their personal bottom and really want another way to live before any kind of recovery will work.

How ever i have seem miricales during my 9 years of recoveryl If GOD = HP wants the 19 year old to get the program the first time, he will. So i dont say they wont get it unless they want it.

He may want it and doesnt even know he wants it.

emsmom
05-07-2009, 07:52 PM
Angelique - you're welcome :)

Jolo - I'd never looked at it that way (hitting a personal bottom) - thank you for enlightening me :)

emsmom

polly44
05-08-2009, 04:02 AM
I am touched by all of you. You are all wonderful caring people, thank you so much for the support. My cup runneth over with your kindness and I am very grateful.

Today was an extra stressful day, and I am emotionally exhausted. Exhausted. There weren't any earth shattering events, son hasn't relapsed or anything, but the tension in my house has hit an all time high. I am just too worn out to go into details about today, but I still wanted to come and 'see' you all for a bit. I gain so much from you.

Thanks for the help and support you have all given since my last post. I think I'll take the advice to ask the rehab for suggestions too. I still don't know what will happen, but I really hope my son can and will go to a sober living halfway house. That really would be best thing, of that I'm sure. But as a legal adult, it has to be his choice, so only time will tell. And yes, setting him up in an apartment probably is a bad idea. I just couldn't think of any other way to avoid him coming home if the halfway house doesn't happen. I can't have him at home while he sits on a halfway house waiting list that is several months long. He doesn't have anywhere he can go live, no friends, nowhere. Well enough of that for now. I feel so drained, and I can't solve it all tonight anyway.

Angelique, I am blessed to have your replies. Your posts are amazing and full of insight, thank you so much. And I need to clarify something about the "no contact" thing. Either you misunderstood or I may have made a typo. As long as he is trying, we do Not plan to do the 'no contact' thing, especially if he is in an apartment alone. I agree that having no contact at that point would be disastrous for him.

And Dolejaly, thanks for caring. Yes, my son has always 'butted heads' with his father, they don't always see eye to eye on everything. Both have made mistakes with each other. Not an ideal relationship, but there was always love between them, shown and spoken. But as son's drug use progressed, so much damage was done that the love isn't apparent anymore, on either side. He is a good man and father but he seems to have just given up.
There weren't any problems between the siblings before my son started the drugs. He was closest to one sister, she has always been there for him and was his strongest ally. Now she's staying with friends and won't come back home until he leaves for rehab. She's has such intense anger towards him now. She says she can't even stand to look at him. His other sister and he share the same interests and hobbies, and did a lot of things together. But now she just can't relate to him at all. She says she feels sorry for him, but she hates the person he has become. Both of his sisters still love the brother he once was, but he's different now. And I know deep down my son still loves both his sisters, even though his actions towards them practically scream that he doesn't. And yes, son does show some signs of depression, and I don't know if the drugs might have caused it or vice versa. Chicken or the egg?

As soon as son is back in rehab, I am starting Nar-anon meetings. I know I shouldn't wait, but I'm afraid to leave the house and family to itself as long as son is there. I feel like some kind of guardian of peace lately. We probably do all need family counseling as was suggested in several replies, but my first priority is Nar-anon, and I hope the family will join me. I can only take one step at a time, and I feel so run down, I'm surprised to even manage that.

Wow, I'm rambling on and on. I wanted to respond more to all the goodwill and advice in all your replies, I wanted to talk about personal bottoms and family counseling and lots of other things, so I'm sure I have more to say but for now I'm just too exhausted. It's been a rough day and I need to try to sleep. Sleep? What's that?

Thank you to EVERY ONE of you. I wish I could devote an entire post for each one of you. I can't express how it feels to come here, pour out my wounded heart and you not only care to listen but you really try to help me. Amazing. And you are helping me. Hugs for all of you.

dolejaly
05-08-2009, 06:59 AM
Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs out there, but being a mom and being the glue that holds it all together is harder yet...

I see the problem of not knowing what to do being there is a waiting list to get into the halfway house...Kind of a tough one..Make a few calls to N/A and see what they suggest on what you are supposed to do after he finishes his 28 day treatment and see if there is something else out there to offer...Sometimes they don't offer the information unless you directly explain the situation and the concern you have. I have a younger brother that was the same way but, instead of my mom trying to put her foot down, she would just give him what he wanted to shut him up...My mom is alone and of course doesn't want to be alone so to keep him happy and high and drunk she would give in to him and complain to the other 5 kids of the hell he was putting her through. Well to make a long story short, he has been sitting in prison for the past 2 1/2 yrs and is waiting on release for his parole in the next 30 days. As the family knows he is clean and sober now(of course no choice in the matter), but the concern of what will happen after he is out. My mom wasn't strong enough to stand up to him, and it led to disaster in the end, so what you are doing is great! You are realizing the problem and even though he is 19 you are his mom and you are doing the best you can and sending him in the right direction....

The point of that story is, she would not stand up to him and instead of him standing on his own and growing up he never matured and ended up in prison.
My brother is 35 yrs old now.....He went to a dry out center for a week and really enjoyed it and wanted to get help at one time, but due to circumstances not enough room he was released. My mom didn't help w/ pushing nor did my brother, they talked about it was unfair because he wanted help, but that is all they would do is talk about it, he is also very immature.....So keep on some of these counselors and maybe there is another road to take while waiting on that list for the half way house. Express your concerns of his well being and yours as a mom..

I've watched my brother flip out while he was higher than a kite, and smashed my moms chairs to her table because something didn't go is way and put threats on her, no one could control him, he stole her car one night and stranded it on a sand hill, but instead of making him face what he done, my other brother went and got the car out before the cops got there so he wouldn't get in trouble, that was the first mistake...Sometimes making them face reality on their own is a hard lesson, but works...It was scary, so it is a nightmare and my heart goes out to you and all that you are trying to do, and you have made the first step in the right direction w/ helping your son and helping your family....Once in the program and he meets others that want to better themselves as well will be a good thing also....Hang in there mama, your strength is admired by many....

alexainie
05-08-2009, 10:42 AM
Polly44,

I urge you, please don't wait to find the wonderful support you need in the Nar-Anon meetings because of the tension in your house. When I was CAUSING the tension in my house, my husband went to Alanon anyway (and he didn't want to, but it just got to be too much), and they taught them so many ways to deal with the situations at home that I truly believe that his ability to detach from the situation (which he learned there) is what allowed me the freedom to seek treatment on my own. I never would have gone when he was 'trying' to get me to go. I had to get to that place of hopelessness on my own. My mother has been waiting 36 years to 'find the right time' to start going to meetings waiting for the tension of my alcoholic father's presence in the house to die down, afraid of it causing even more tension. It hasn't, and she's robbed herself of so many precious years of peace. Because of this, She spent all these years blaming herself for my addiction, because she stayed with my violent father and us kids witnessed it, when it wasn't her fault at all. If she'd gotten help, she would have known that, and all my telling her doesn't help at all.

The meetings won't solve your problems, but they can ease your burden, and they aren't just for YOU, your husband and your other children can attend too. They need the relief just as much. The whole family has obviously been affected by your son's behavior, and the whole family could benefit greatly. Please take care of yourselves first, i know you want to help your son and that you are terrified of what may happen to him, and i know you are torn because the rest of your family is suffering. I think it is always the worst for mothers. But i truly believe that the best way that you can help your son is by being ready for whatever may happen, good or bad, and ready to let him find his own path, painful as that may be. Each of us can only control our own actions and our own reactions; we have really no control over what anyone else does. He is an adult now, at least in years. He knows what your hopes for him are, he now has to have the same hopes for himself. You can pray for him, help him do the footwork to get into treatment and into a sober living facility or an apartment, but then it is between him and God.

You have just really been on my mind. I am thinking of you. I hope I haven't offended, I just know how sneaky and unforgiving this disease is, and how each of us has to find our own way. I wish you peace on your journey. Please keep close here.

Angelique43
05-08-2009, 01:28 PM
Polly44,
Bless your heart, you are so very welcome! I am so happy that my posts have helped, even if they just give you a seconds peace/the strength & willpower that you need to re-load & go at it another day. I understand your "exhaustion", how i remember those days when my ex drug me through the wringer! Living with an addict drains us on so many different levels, mentally, emotionally, & physically. The never ending battle that goes on inside of us to feel like we have to constantly "keep watch" as though we ourselves are the armed force. The never ending battle to play "peace maker" in order to make sure that things run as smoothly as they possibly can in the house hold for ALL involved. We as mothers, wives, sisters, & friends sure do seem to take on the weight of the world on our shoulders, all in the name of love! Do we not? It is Exhausting!
Never knew you had so much faith, willpower, courage, did you? Most of us never do until one challenging person comes along, in your case, your son, who forces us to bring out the big guns! We will not let them fail, will we? Because we have to be there to love them when they are so sick, from the drugs that take them over, to love them when they can no longer love themselves. Where do we get our strength? It is always in our "Darkest" hour that we learn to push through & not let anything stand in our way! And that is what you are doing right now, my friend. You can do this! You have the strength, courage, love, willpower all inside of you! And all of us posters here are your armed forces! We are your support troops! We are here for you whenever you may need us. Even if its just to listen, or just to vent, or ask advice, or even cry. Just keep coming back here to read our replies, they will lift you up & energize you & help give you what you need in order to make it another day in the race to save your son , from himself & from the drugs that have taken him over. Everybody needs a little help sometime & right now just happens to be your turn so use us as you need us. How i wish i'd had this type of support back when my ex was using. At times i thought i would kill him! You just get so sick & tired of the manipulation, the lies, the stealing, & everything involved with an addicts life. My ex told me to my face "i love you, but i love my drugs more". That hurt me so very very much. But yet i still tried in vain to help him get his life back but i fought a battle that was hopeless but it doesn't have to be this way with you! And it wont be! Because you are doing all of the right things! You really are a wonderful mother! Never forget this. And your son may not think so right now, because he still has the mind of an addict but mark my words, one day your son will thank you! And he will love you so much more when he is clean & drug free & realizes how you geared up & went to battle for him.
And please remember to treat yourself kind today, you deserve it too! I know sometimes we can get lost ourselves when carrying the burdens of others. So, heres what i'd like you to do. Each day, go to a mirror inside of your home. Look into it at your reflection & say to yourself "I Am A Wonderful Mother". It really will help.
I will keep checking back with you as well as all who have replied here. Take care.
Angelique

Angelique43
05-12-2009, 03:30 AM
I hope that all of the women whom are Mothers, that are connected to this thread had a very Happy Mothers Day!
Polly44...I hope that you are ok & that you are looking in your mirror everyday! Keep your chin up! And know that you are a awesome Mother & i'll be thinking of you & keeping you in my thoughts & prayers, as well as your whole family. Please post soon when you can find the time & give us all an update. Take care.
Angelique

Tigerette
05-12-2009, 12:48 PM
I understand alot of what you're going through. My brother was an addict for over 12 years starting in highschool. Over the years, he lied to us, cheated from us, and stole from us (my mom, dad, and me). He broke into my parents house on multiple occasions, stole and wrote bad checks in my name, and I finally had to have him arrested. I truly believe that if I hadn't done that, that he would be dead right now. I strongly recommend like the others have attending Alanon meetings. I can only imagine how hard it must be to practice 'tough love' on your child, but it is a necessity if he is ever going to get better. My parents weren't ever very good at doing it, and I believe that had they been, that maybe he wouldn't have struggled for so long. They were always bailing him out, and even today, they STILL pay his child support even though he's been clean for almost 2 years. I know it was always easier for me to cut him off since he was my brother and not my child, but I feel like you are definitely headed in the right direction. Whatever ultimatum you give him, it is absolutely imperative that you stick to your guns! If you don't, he'll never take your threats seriously. And there you'll be, 10 years later doing the same old thing that doesn't work. It is true that the person has to want it for him or herself, but that doesn't mean that you can't help to create their rock-bottom.

Good luck, and I'll be praying for you and your family. xoxo

polly44
05-13-2009, 01:30 AM
Hello dear friends, and a belated happy mothers day to all the mothers out there. And again, I want to thank all of you for your help and kindness.
Well, things are still tense here at my house. Son still here waiting for an available bed at rehab. It's been 9 days since detox. The good thing is I think he's still clean. He hasn't had any access to drugs as far as I know because he hasn't been allowed to leave the house. I don't see what good detox does someone if they just turn them loose afterwards while waiting for a bed. The rehab won't even talk to me because son is an adult. I really don't blame the rehab place, they have rules and policies they must follow, and other names on the list waiting for a bed. I am grateful they are there, but after nine days it is getting aggravating. Son does call them every day (I listen so I know he's really calling) to check and see if there is a bed available. Every day they say they'll get him in as soon as possible and to keep calling. Today they said it might take another week or two, but they just couldn't say for sure. Ugh. I hope we can hold it together that long. I feel bad to say this, but the whole family is ready for him to go and get out of here. Most of the time I can't even stand to look at him. God help me. A mother shouldn't detest her own child, but that's how I feel. Maybe I'm not as great a mother as you all think I am. I shouldn't feel this way towards my own son, but I honestly can't help it. I never wanted to feel this way, but I do.

Son doesn't show any positive signs, sleeps half the day (my fault for letting him), doesn't contribute to the household (he did dishes once) and says NA meetings aren't necessary until he starts rehab. And he doesn't "get" the damage he has caused those around him. At all. I think he's only going to rehab because we gave him the ultimatum, and he has nowhere else to go. Nonetheless, I am hoping rehab will help him. I know I shouldn't allow him to sleep the day away and do nothing around here, but it's easier on everyone else when he's not up and around. It also lessens the chance of a family feud. I know that's selfish, but tensions are HIGH and we are in survival mode. My daughter at home is so fed up. She has a lot of ugliness she would like to spew at him, but she bites her tongue, for my and her dad's sake. And I miss my other daughter. She lives at home too, but chooses to stay with friends as long as son is here. When she visits, we banish son to his room to avoid the fight that would certainly occur between the two of them. And father and son haven't spoken since son returned from detox. 9 days in the same house, not one word. He really is a good father and tried to help son for a long time, but he is done. He doesn't see any reason to hope anymore, our son has no remorse or respect. For now, there's nothing between father and son besides anger. It just boils under the surface. He has totally given up on our son, and right now, I don't blame him. Even if I did, it wouldn't change how he feels.

The family has suffered so much because of son's drug addiction. And right now, he doesn't even realize it or care. Until the drugs cause HIM to suffer, he won't realize anything. So far, drugs haven't caused him any real consequences. No matter what he did, he still had a warm bed at home, meals, laundry - not a care in the world except where to get his next high. The rest of us were suffering dearly, but he wasn't the least bit concerned because HE wasn't adversely affected. I agree with the replies that most addicts have to hit a bottom in order to turn around. And I love what Tigerette said about it being okay to help create that bottom.

My previous posts were asking for advice on how to keep son out of the home after rehab, and I appreciate the insight you all shared with me. As long as he stays clean we won't just cut him out of our lives of course, but I'm not willing to risk having him in my home again. I know I can't subject myself or my family to a front row seat to his addiction or his recovery, especially if he relapses. I still don't know exactly what we are going to do with him after rehab, but for now I'm just trying to get through his being here until there is an available bed. Just trying to keep the peace. I keep telling myself to just get through day by day until he can go to rehab and then we'll have 28 days to figure out the rest.

Angelique, thank you, I have taken your suggestion about the mirror. I do it everyday, but I must tell you I feel like a fraud. It's hard to feel like a good mother when I have such negative feelings toward my son. I don't think a good mother would feel the way I do about her own child. But I will continue to talk to the mirror - it does remind me that my daughters have turned out well so far, even if my son has not (yet). So maybe I did something right somewhere.

Thanks for listening, to each and every one of you. Hopefully son will get into rehab soon. There are other rehabs that could get him in sooner, but without insurance we can't even begin to afford them. All we could afford is this one that receives state funding. I hate that it's taking so long for him to get in, but God-willing, we'll get through it. Then we can stop and breathe a bit before tackling what to do when he gets out. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers, it means so much to me.

sus55
05-13-2009, 03:13 AM
Stick at what you are doing - until you can't do it anymore. Really say say to yourself (and family) and truly believe that you gave it everything you had to turn him around. I have experience a postive turn around after my sister did 3 years in jail for armed robbery to support her addition and my nephew that hung himself after a long phone call to his mum laying down the law. When the tears flow think that you will see it come eventually to a good end. All the best.

alexainie
05-13-2009, 11:25 AM
You remind me of my ex's mom. He was a pretty (very) severe crack addict. She used to sleep with her purse and all her cash/jewelry/etc under her pillow so he couldn't steal it to pawn and get high. He pawned the car once. He stole her grandmother's wedding ring for crack and she never saw it again. He would go to the store to get milk then not come home for a week. Or call from the er several days later b/c he had gone on a runner and not taken his insulin (he was also a type 1 diabetic). Yet she couldn't bring herself to kick him out because she was his mom and she created him. He never got to hit bottom because there was always a bed waiting to cushion his fall. She never had a problem admitting it was 'her fault' either (but it WASN'T!) And as he became an adult, he never had a problem admitting he was using her for a place to stay. He had absolutely no respect for her (and had no problem admitting that either).

Eventually it led to divorce b/c dad couldn't handle it anymore. The other kids left not just home (they'd left home long ago) but TOWN and moved on with their lives. She chose housing and caring for and cooking for and doing laundry for this addict over the entire rest of her family. He was 32 years old. She talked frequently not only of suicide-but of taking him with her as well. That he was never going to get better and she couldn't live knowing that she'd brought him into the world to live in such pain. He'd been in 7 treatment centers. In and out of jails and institutions and near death several times.

Luckily this horror never came to pass. She did, however, become an alcoholic to deal with all the pain. She lost a grandson from her daughter to drowning and never really got over that, and many other things happened to this poor lady.

He's still using, in one form or another, to this day. I'm not telling you this to scare you. I just want you to know that keeping him safe now isn't really keeping him safe. You say your son is calling the rehab place every day and you know this because you are 'listening to make sure he is calling'. He has you so wrapped around his every move in fear of him making the wrong move that it sounds like you've completely lost your own life. You deserve a life. Addicts only react to consequences. They don't get well sleeping all day in comfy beds acting abusively towards those trying to help them, eating free food and freeloading. They grow at the speed of pain. I'm sorry to be blunt, but i read your posts and with every one it feels like you're making more excuses for him and taking more of the blame upon yourself.

I really only want happiness for your family. I worry that your husband and daughters may be at their breaking points and just about ready to ask you to make a choice.

Angelique43
05-14-2009, 02:15 PM
Polly44,
Hello again, thanks for your update.
I know that this waiting game for the rehab to get your son a bed is really taking its toll on you, your emotions, nerves, etc. But please, continue to hang in there & continue to do whatever it is that you have been doing thus far because you are doing the right thing! you must believe this.
You are not a fraud! You are an awesome Mother! You stop feeling this way right now! What you are feeling right now towards your son is a perfectly normal thing. You are not feeling anything that a million other mothers hasn't felt for thier child at one time or another for whatever reasons. And any mother who denies this is NOT being very honest! Your son has, and continues to drag you through the wringer on a daily bases with his drug addiction & his snide, "i don't give a *hit attitude" & that is enough of a justifiable reason alone in making your feelings towards your son valid. It does not make you a bad mother. Why not? Because you still love him & you are still helping him to get on the road to recovery. So you stop thinking that nonsense little missy. You are an awesome Mother & don't you ever forget it! And allow me to share something with you...I have felt this exact same way about my 17 yr son on numerous occassions, whether he was back talking me at the time or whatever the case might have been but i have often looked at my son & thought to myself "why you ungrateful little...Bleep!". I have also gotten to the point of not being able to even look at him because i found him to be "detestable", on the occassions when he completely & utterly ticked me off! But these moments pass & so shall yours! Its only natural that you're feeling this way because he has & continues to put you & your family through so much but i'm telling you, as he starts his road to recovery your "bad" feelings will pass, i promise! And i too, used to think to myself "how can i feel this way about my own child?" & i felt so bad for feeling that way & i felt like a monster & i felt guilty but it will pass sweetheart, trust me. So you keep looking in that mirror & keep telling yourself everday "I Am A Awesome Mother!" because you simply ARE. And as you stated, look at your two daughters, they are proof of this! There are bad apples in every bunch, some that do not shine like the rest or look as pretty but your bad apple( "your son" ) can be picked up (with rehab) & polished anew! You must believe this & never stop believing in yourself.
Once your son finally gets a bed you will be able to breath again & reload for the next journey ahead. So hang in there & take good care of yourself. Be careful not to lose yourself in the midst of all of this. Love yourself just like you love your son & stop beating yourself up over feelings that are normal & justified.
Please keep us posted whenever you get the chance & remember that i'm here for you & i'll keep you & your whole family in my thoughts & prayers. Please take care & be kind to yourself because you deserve it.
Angelique

alexainie
05-15-2009, 10:26 AM
God, Polly, I was reading my post and it sounded so harsh. I didn't mean for it to. I just loved this woman so much (my ex's mom; I was with him for 5 years and lived with her also for much of the time and tried to help, before my addiction became so advanced) and have seen her go through so much pain trying to do it all, like us women seem to do. You ARE a wonderful mom for loving your son so much. Addicts create chaos wherever we go, and we don't always realize it until much later. Angelique is right. it's so confusing to love them so much, to see that little boy in pictures and in your mind and wonder where he went, and i promise you he's still in there somewhere so don't give up on him. At the same time, and this is the hard part, don't let him destroy the rest of your family. You have such an impossible job. Please realize that there are people out there that will share your burden. You really don't have to do it on your own.

I'm not trying to discourage you, I just don't want you to end up wondering where the time went. I'm glad that you are seeking help now and not trying to shoulder this all on your own. Coming here is a step in the right direction. You have many prayers and thoughts directed right at you.

Drain Bamaged
05-15-2009, 08:32 PM
Hello Polly44 ~ ~

In reading through this entire thread; I'm so pleased and warmed, to read of everyones carring words of comfort, hope, love and painful truth. Accompanied with personal successes and of lifes expierences, embraced by the aftermath of long deep pain, from any type of addiction; At any age, and how the whip snaps at all whom are with-in range to feel the sting.

My heart pangs, for the loss of trust, that was unconditional and immediate upon birth. Growing ever stronger as each day passed ~ on to month ~ to year. Bringing on the beauty and strength of love ~ Sewn together with a Golden Thread that binds a family . It will never be the same! A family member has made a decision, a choice, to rip assunder the golden thread of truth and trust and the understanding of the "Family's Crest" of honor (Code of Ethics) that binds us individually and yet together as "One Family". The family knows the difference between right and wrong...through the code of ethics. For the family member to continue , with fragmenting the golden thread that binds a family together, is no less than mindless selfishness. The continual personal decision, in seeking out daily the ability to deceive, disrupt without consious forthought is heart wrenching. My heart hurts for you both and family.
The family really do portrait daily, the discomfort while he resides there. Your gut, is telling you the truth of this issue daily. As painful as it is! and it is very painful. The very person, whom you knew and trusted for these last 19yrs.~ is now, more like a silent preditor, if you will ~ ever learking for an opportune moment.


I'm glad to read, that your questioning some of the first posts ~ Giving it time to consider, reconsider and go forth. When a decision is made, Donot faulter or recant in any discision, you and your husband present to your son. It's only facts and that will be followed by action. There is no bargining chips or negociations available.
The best ultimatum ever ~ was the first one you and your husband set for rehab. Go or Get Out. ~ That is not harsh in anyway! Considering what has been brought into you and your husbands home. Weather you were there or not. No telling what could have happened, if gone unchecked. You are protecting your family! The inner family ~ really are watching too. With what is going to occur with this. In the long run, without words stated as such: it will teach them, that this will occur to you ! if you, so choose to go down this path. It will also teach them about the unfortunate side of this issue and what to do about it. Which could be a truely Possitive Outcome. This may also be a test to teach another person the responsiblilty of their actions and that You and Your Husband lovingly tend to what needs to ultimately be done.~ It's not to be caudald or coo'd at. Shoved under the carpet to torment the family anymore... The imbarrasement and humiliation within the family is difficult enough. Let alone the fear of the unknown.

I hope soon, you and your family will begin to find yourselves healing through the many personal helps out there for this situation. If it wasn't so important they wouldn't be available. As through your posts you are very strong to do the right action. In protecting the rest of your family and guild the son who is walking down not so good a path.
All this is so very new to you and you are learning one moment at a time.. I'm glad these Boards are here for you too, so you can vent and get feedback to help clear head and heart.

The family will learn through this ~ ~ ~ their own personal weakness and strengths.

The importance of discisions and thinking beyond the immediate moment.
The wrong discision will bring not so good a reward.
How important Trust is in any relationship weather work related or personal.
In getting help with an addiction and noting the "Red Flags" before it's at a crisis moment level.
Decerning proper help vs. manipulation.
Learning what love really is.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

GENERAL AFTER THOUGHTS......

1) The Apartment. That's a danger zone.
2) Any reason why he can't sell the car to pay for the Halfway House ?
3)Are there bus or transit systems that can be interlinked. ~ time he learned how that works. Let alone the bottom of his feet.

Life as he knew it with all the creature comforts is over and done. He baked that one! It's a priviledged not a right.

Plenty of walls, doors & doorjams to wash.
Plenty of weeds to pull
Windows, toilets, floors ~ Baseboards always need special touch.
Vacuming never hurt anyone.


Get your names off of everything that can be linked by him to you or family members.
If you think it ~ it will happen or has.
Possibility for him to steal any of your information or other family member info. Your Right, he has or will... Protect yourself Now!

I was shocked to find that a member of my family went into the attic where I keep old tax records....Need I say more ~ Other than don't kid yourself.


Warm Hugs are sent to you as you walk this path: DB

Angelique43
05-16-2009, 03:12 AM
Polly44...Hi...Just stopping in to see if you had posted since your last update...There are a few new posters, more support for you!...I hope that you are holding up, i have no doubt that you continue to hold up the fort!...Keep doing what you do & i will keep you in my thoughts & prayers...I am praying for that bed!...I also have no doubt that you will stay on your son & stand by him as he calls each & every day to check on the status of that bed. I don't understand what is taking the rehab so long to get your son a bed. It makes no sense to go through the detox & then send him right back home. The rehab should have already had a bed in place for him as soon as he finished his detox...Though i understand that these places are probably full & may be doing the best that they can but it's really important that they get him in there before he forgets the reason why he did the detox to begin with. They should not be giving your son any spare time to come up with a way to squirm his way out of this. I'm going to be saying some heavy duty prayers that your son will get a bed very soon!
And as always, continue to look in that mirror hun & tell yourself everyday what a wonderful, awesome Mother you are! Be kind to yourself, you deserve it. Take one day at a time & just breath...(((((((Hugs))))))
Angelique

Drain Bamaged
05-16-2009, 07:49 PM
Polly ~ ~
Hoping this post, finds you stronger.... each passing moment.

Things to consider and to have on this post for you to refur back to.
As your thought process at this time ~ maybe whirling around with so many, many things.
We are so ready, to take care of any business that comes our way with stealth and vigor !! It's just, when something out of our standard knowlegde, blind sides us. We do have a tendency to go whirling mentally. It surly is so much better, when we've learned how to go forward without mis-stepping. Expierence reassures those very steps.

* When the decision was made and presented to the family member. " Go to Rehab or Get Out "! ~ Reflect back, at how that empowered you. Did you feel reassured ?

* In any decision made and presented. There are'nt varibles... It's the realization that the violator needs to know, without a shadow of doubt! that, that is your and your husbands decision and no favors granted to the violator... Do not Humanize this.. This isn't a spank on the hand. What has transpired is a true violation of ethics and respect. With all the power that ~ that holds ! toward you, your husband and inner family members. Animals do a better job than we do... A Mother Lion or Bear will do anything to protect her cubs. And those cubs don't goof around.....Yet, they are suffient to the day to go forth and survive....

There is no time scale with healing either .... from the damage done. It's as individual as each person is in your family.


Separating your Son out & away from the family, is needed a.s.a.p. ~ To Rehab ! and Halfway House. Each day that goes by is another slippery part of the slope.
I can't help but ask ~ Why this Rehab ? This delay is unnessesary!

There are others that work with the same standard of care (research has to be done) ~ Pop onto the computor and compare.
Yeees, you do have to do this to protect yourself & family and know for assurity your not being taken for another ride. Knowledge is empowering !


///////////////////////////////////////

A little tid bit that happened to me. It's not at all what your having to deal with, at this time. I did find a bit of humor, realizim and result throughout the experience....




* A situation occurred with one of my inner family members (I.F.M.) Whom for some reason, in high school felt the desire to sneak out after curfew 10:00p. with other friends, also meeting at that time too. To make sure the neighborhood was taken care of UUuuuu -Derrrrip. There was another group of highschool age kids a few blocks away, doing the same .....So, at my expense of inconvienence, finding this info out ,only by accident ~ My auto was plastered with various creams,sodas,toilet paper & more. All the kids & their parents were notified immediately!! with an early a.m. KNOCK ! on their doors. Informed about the Malicious Mischief and knowledge of a police report written and filed for future refrancing. My ( I.F.M.) was in tow also.... Witnessing me inform everyone. In returnig home my ( I.F.M.) and friend sat on couch awaiting the unknown.
Yep, with shock upon their faces, and a few words of No, your not! You, can't call them over this... you brought it to the other parents attention ...... The Sheriffs Dept. was called:
Informing the Deputy,that there is a group of high schoolers that live at this address, location, names and numbers. Meeting at this particular time after curfew to create mischief ect. throughout the neighborhood.
Please, send a patrol car out to cruise this area during those times and locations and if my family member is caught ~ ~ ~ Do not call me, to pick them up! They can stay in Jail till " I " see fit, for the time to pick them up. Oh, by the way ~~~the names are --------- The Deputy said: Now! When you are called, You have to come pick them up... You, can't leave your family member here. I said: You, wanna make ah bet.
Have a safe day. Then, gently hung up the phone. The ( I.F.M.) and friend were shocked that I'd go the length that I did...They, also without a shadow of doubt knew, I was not playing games...

The family member had all priviledges removed from A-Z. and never knew when priviledges were to be reinstated; Even if at all. The family member is alive and lived through it. Yes, learning how to perfectly mow and edge & fertilize the lawn, cultivate the garden, pull weeds & prune trees. Scrubbing walls, floors,windows and sills. Washing clothes and folding along with ironing. Cleaning out the refrigerator to prep for new groceries. Which the coupons were clipped and organized by the (I.F.M). It never was a punishment per se in the long hall ~ Gaining a new respect for what standards are and for the Adults that guide and love them.





~ ~ ~ DB

Angelique43
05-19-2009, 07:56 PM
:wave: Hi Polly44...
I just wanted to stop in & see if you had posted. I just wanted you to know that i continue to lift you & your son/family up in prayer. I'm hoping that your son has gotten a bed. Its been awhile & it would just seem crazy for them not to have your son a bed yet. I'm really hoping that he has gotten a bed & well onto his journey with the halfway/sober living house. Please come back & post whenever time allows you to as we are all anxious to hear from you, well i know i am lol. I shouldn't speak for anybody else. But you do have a good support system going right here! I hope that you will continue to use us. I hope that your doing my little regimen of looking into the mirror everyday. You truely are a great Mother. Take care & i'll stop back by in a few days.
Angelique :angel:

IZZY'SMOM
05-22-2009, 07:51 PM
Hello,
I would just like to suggest that if a bed isnt available after all of this time to look elsewhere. It broke my heart to see that your one daughter has moved out because of your son being home, and the son isnt even talking to the dad who is footing all of the bills for his ungreatful butt to lie in bed daily and not contribute. How sad...
I have never heard of anyone going thru detox and not being moved into a facility VERY soon after. YOU call and ask what is going on instead of letting your son do it. You need to take charge, find him a place if indeed the other is full. I hope you can get him somewhere soon so you can all begin healing and recovery...
xoxoxox,
IZZY'SMOM

Missuray
05-26-2009, 07:58 AM
I just read what you wrote above and I just want to say that you are *Awesome*!!!

Linda, Sarah's Mom

Angelique43
06-15-2009, 03:13 PM
Polly44...
I have been coming back regularly anticipating your update but still no word. I am very anxious! I am hoping & praying for the best for you/son/family. I hope that by your not posting it doesn't mean that your son has suffered any type of a set back. I'm so worried & scared for him. I'm trying to remain positive though. I'm keeping you/son/family in my daily prayers. Please, keep looking in that mirror & reminding yourself everyday what a truely awesome Mother you are!
I will keep coming back. Please give us all an update whenever you can. And please, do not be afraid to update, no matter what the results because we are all still here for you, or i am. I shouldn't speak for anybody else.
Take care & know that i care, even though i don't personally know you.
Big Hugs your way....

Angelique43
06-23-2009, 12:01 PM
Polly44,
Just a little note to let you know that i'm still keeping you/son/family in my prayers. I wish you all the best. I will keep stopping by from time to time to check to see if you've posted.
Been suffering with my own issues for awhile although not the same as what you are dealing with.
Come back & post whenever you can. Would love to hear an update & find out how you & your family are doing. Wishing you & your family all the best from Phoenix.
Take care.

Angelique43
07-13-2009, 04:14 AM
Polly44,
Hello, thought i would stop by & see if you had updated yet but you have not. I'm really concerned for you/son/family as it's been some time since you last posted. I am so worried that this means "bad" news. If so, please don't be afraid to post an update. You can also private message me if you feel better doing that. I would really love to hear from you. I'm still here for you, no matter what & i will keep stopping by to see if you have updated. I hope that you are still looking in the mirror everyday & telling yourself that you are an awesome mom! I know at times you may not believe that you are but you are! We as mothers try our best to teach our children right from wrong & instill in them good, clean, honorable values & morals but some children have hard heads & must learn for themselves the hard way but this is not your fault. You set him on the right path while raising him but he somewhere along the way got off that path & took a very wrong turn but that doesn't mean that he will be forever lost. He just has to find his way back to the path that you set him on. Don't give up faith or hope. Hang in there & keep fighting for your son & your family. And remember, you did do the right thing.
I will continue to stop by & i will keep you in my prayers.
(((((Hugs)))))

Angelique43
12-04-2009, 10:48 AM
Polly44...

I wanted to stop by & see if you had left an update but i see that you have not. I have been going through my own struggles lately though never stopped wondering about you / son/ family. I will continue to stop by in hopes of an update & just wanted you to know that i'm still here for you if i can give you support in any way. I will keep you & your son/family in my daily prayers. Take care & i'm thinking of you. God Bless You.
:angel:

Wise52
12-04-2009, 08:20 PM
Hello Polly44. You could be talking about my son except that he is almost 21. He also lives at home and attends college, but is doing poorly. I don't know what his drug of choice is or what all he taken, except that the first thing he does when visiting someone is to help himself to whatever he can find in their medicine cabinet. He drinks also, but is getting better at hiding it. His girlfriend is exactly like him--likes to live on the edge and is teaching him not to follow any rules, no respect for family, she isolated my son from all his friends, doctors and those that could help him recover. He has been in and out of rehab, but denies having an "illness" so doesn't work the program. He lied about attending NA meetings. I reached my bottom last week and wanted to kick him out for circulating pornography, neglecting his chores, no sleep, skipping school, no job and no money, the fights between him and gf, no peace or sleep for us. But my husband is soft and won't let me kick him out. I have been attending Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and other types of meetings and even go to open AA or open NA. There is much to learn. As the family of a loved one who lives a life of chaos, it has been gut wrenching to watch such an intelligent guy with so much potential self-destruct. I think he won't change until he is forced to be on his own, having to earn his own money, find a place to live and dealing with real life. Not only has he not asked for help to get better, he is still in denial that something is wrong with him. We can only love him, but can't change him, can't cure his addiction nor did we cause it. By not enabling him, he has a chance to change and get better. "Tough love" is probably the only thing that will work if you have tried everything else. Your son has to make the decision to get well. And you have to take care of yourself and try to find peace and serenity for your life whether he stops using or not. Attending Nar-Anon meetings, reading the literature, having others in the same situation to call, believing in a Higher Power that you can lean on, sharing on this board--all those tools will help you through this rough time. I totally sympathize that this will be a very difficult thing for you to do. I wish my own son was ready for rehab and to really try it. Or that my husband and I had the courage to ask him to move out. Good luck. And keep writing.