View Full Version : abusive father

12-31-2009, 07:52 PM
Just joined this forum because I need help. My parents, in their late 70's fuss all the time but recently my father has become physically abusive. No signs of dementia or anything, they are both retired and stay at home all the time. He doesn't drive anymore but my mother has confided in me and I found out this has not been the first time.....HELP....what advise do I give my mom.....they are such private people but this week he got out of control and roughed her up pretty good! She doesn't want the rest of the family to know but she thinks (today) that she wants to leave but she can't afford it. My dad has always had a side to him that could get agressive but the general public thinks he is the greatest guy in the world.

01-01-2010, 04:36 PM
This can be a sign of dementia. Somehow you need to talk with his doctor about what's going on (agressive behaviour) and get him to call him in for a check up, medication check, whatever will get him there for an evaluation.

01-03-2010, 04:27 PM
In their 70's, she does not need being beaten on at that age. If you think it's just a part of his past behavior issues, I'd think about filing a report with the police dept, or get a protective/restraining order for your mom, maybe. Definetly, she needs to get away from that. Might try getting a mental health heigine warrant at the court house so he can be taken in for a psych evaluation at a hospital. If you call his physician, call immediately, don't delay. Sounds like he's a jerk anyways, but it could be related to his age, and something health related could be happening to him to make him so mean.

01-03-2010, 06:12 PM
Sometimes as people age parts of their personality they were able to control before come to the forefront. The physical agression/anger may also be a sign of a medical condition, which could be anything ranging from a urinary tract infection to early dementia to blood sugar issues to depression ... only a good thorough physical can tell you what's going on, and that would be my first step. And sometimes when couples who each had their own jobs/interests retire, get older and get less mobile, these behaviors can surface. If your father is used to being out and about more and now he doesn't drive and is home more with just your mom, that might be affecting your dad negatively and he might be acting out against your poor mom. Does your dad have a regular doctor and is he willing to go for a check-up? Do you check in on them often or is there someone who can? Could your mom come and visit you and stay for a bit while it all gets sorted out, so she feels safe and you aren't worried about her all the time?
At their age, the medical issues are only going to increase, so it might be a good time to transition them to a senior living/assisted living facility, where they could both get more social interaction with other people and medical attention/assistance as needed. I understand they are private, but in assisted living they would still have their own apartment but they wouldn't be so isolated.
All the Best,

01-06-2010, 06:04 AM
That happened with my grandmother's personality, and she was sick, she had heart disease, diabetes, and kidney disease. It just made her mean, really hateful and mouthy, before she died. She accused my grandpa of cheating on her and all kinds of crazy stuff wasn't nothing coming of it. We knew though that she was sick and couldn't help it.

01-07-2010, 09:09 PM
Abuse is never right at ANY time in anyone's life!. There are support groups specifically for elder abuse, and it may be a good idea for your mom to contact them. One of the symptoms of dementia is aggressive behavior. They lose the ability to know they are acting inappropriately. My mom's behavior changed about 2 years prior to being diagnosed with dementia. While she wasn't physically abusive, she did become somewhat mentally abusive to her children.
I'm not saying for sure that your dad has dementia but there's always the possibility especially if he has some of the other symptoms along with the aggressive behavior. See to it that your mom is protected from his abuse. Get her help immediately if you see more bruises on her. Have you seen any changes in his personality lately? Have you heard him being mean to your mom?

01-20-2010, 02:33 AM
There are literally TONS of resources out there for her. I have been in this situation personally, not with a lover, but with my brother. If she can suck it up long enough, there are plenty of places for abused spouses to go. The thing is, to remember how embaressing this is for the person suffering. It's really hard to suck it up and go to an abused womans shelter. Just do your best to find resources within your community, and remind her that no one is going to know except those in the SAME position she is in. Saying that they "can't afford to leave" is the BEST cop out to give to people that stumble into their dirty little secret. This is a lie. People out there WILL provide shelter and food. There ARE jobs out there. God speed.

01-25-2010, 08:01 AM
My heart goes out to you krosswind, safety first!!!! The sentence that was very profound to me is that it was not the first time and it will not be the last. Thank you for helping your mom, your mom is overwhelmed, isolated and needs your help. All the why's and wherefore's can be researched later after she is safe. Take mom home with you, or place her in a family or friends home until you sort it all out. If your mom is in immediate danger and calls and tells you what is happening call 911 and the rest will be taken care of for you. The best gift a mom and dad can have as they grow older is a child who loves and cares for them and watches over them, you are a sweet caring child. You are doing the right thing, my prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time. Blessings!:angel:

01-25-2010, 08:03 AM
my last post message was to seeker of advice, I signed krosswind by mistake, my apology. Blessings!