View Full Version : Cocaine is ruining my marriage....please help

02-19-2010, 04:54 PM
Hi, I'm 29 years old, my husband is 32. I knew that he was a recreational drug user in the past but I just found out that he has been doing cocaine on a daily basis and has been basically "stealing" money from our bank account, getting cash back on debit purchases, etc. to support his habit. Our mortgage has bounced twice in the last six months. I approached him and told him what I knew and he basically said "I'm sorry" and that's it. He hasn't been home in two days (he's been at his mother's as he is working close to her house, which is about an hour away), even though I have repeatedly asked him to come home and talk to me. I'm at the end of my rope, I don't know what to do. I want to be supportive and help him through this, but he clearly isn't giving the same effort....so why should I? Any advice is appreciated, I'm feeling so lost.

02-19-2010, 07:49 PM
I am sorry to hear that about your husband,i did coke back in the older days and i know what it will do to a relationship.The only thing i can say is if he is shooting it then thats gonna be real hard,if he is snorting it can easily stop a lot quicker.When he finally comes in tell him in a nice way and please dont force him to quickly or he can flip real easily,in another words you are gonna need some support help also.Please be careful and try to find someone you can trust,talk to them and let them in on the situation.I will send thoughts and prayers.

02-20-2010, 12:19 AM
I went through the same thing with my Ex. he was 42 at the time. You cannot help your husband, he has to want to help himself and he is not ready. When drug/alcohol use and abuse is involved, they are not thinking about you or your future or your feelings. I'm sorry but that's the truth. I gave it 5 years of trying to help my ex and sticking through thick and thin, being supportive, but it did nothing. You lmow what you need to do, I know it's hard. Until he hits rock bottom, he will not change. Are you going to lose everything, including your self esteem and self worth over a man who is an addict? I lost my home because he didn't make the payments, our bank accounts were wiped out, I lost everything. don't let this ruin your best years. Walk away, sell the house, take care of you . go to Alanon, it's very important that you do that. If he wants you back, he will get into recovery and get well so he can be the kind of man you deserve to have.

02-20-2010, 01:16 AM
Thanks Wrencher for your reply. No, he does not shoot. To be honest, I was totally prepared to completely flip out on him, and someone else (a recovering crack addict) gave me the same advice, to be calm and supportive. So that is what I'm going to do. It will be hard and frustrating because he's so agitated and aggressive (not physically towards me or anything like that).

Jodee, thanks as well. I will try talking to him first and see where it goes before I rush into something I may regret later. I'm going to ask him to come to marriage counselling with me, and I guess we'll go from there and see what happens.

Thanks again, it's nice to be able to talk to someone about this (not exactly the subject you can bring up with your mother, lol).

02-20-2010, 12:35 PM
I am 28 years old. I was a cocaine addict for over 2 years, I have been off the stuff now for almost 2 years also. The only thing that got me to quit was myself. My family, my friends, all knew that I had a drug problem, but I didnt care. It wasnt until I myself started to feel trapped by the addiction that I was able to quit.

If your husband does not seem like he really wants to stop, then he wont. The problem with this type of addiction, is you feel bad for taking money that should be used for bills, etc. But you only feel bad after the fact. The next day, or a few days later, if there is access to any kind of money, he will use it. You make excuses in your head and you trick yourself into thinking that you can use this money for cocaine. Usually sometime after you spend the money you realize what you did. Then a few days later, it starts all over again. Its a pattern, and it never stops unless you end up completely broke, or you decide that you really want to quit, for health reasons. Honestly for me, I just got to a point where I didnt enjoy the high anymore. I wasnt having a good time, I just felt like I was having a panic attack everytime I did coke, and I was able to just quit cold turkey.

I have heard that some people have withrawal symptoms, much like with pain killers or other opiates, but I had none. The mental addiction is there, but like I said if you want to quit, its pretty easy, you just quit. I had no physical addiciton problems with cocaine, I just had to figure out for myself that it was time to stop, and I stopped.

I hope your husband realizes the same thing. Over long periods of time, cocaine can really change a person. Its not until you clean up that you realize how unclearly you were seeing everything. How much it changed you. That feeling alone has kept me off it for over 2 years. Honestly I couldnt even imagine using the drug again, I dont even crave it a little bit.

Oh one other thing...if your husband mixes alcohol and cocaine, you cant quit one without the other. Everytime he drinks he will start to crave the coke, he has to stop drinking, completely, at least for a few months.