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View Full Version : Husband's Cocaine Addiction - Should I stay or should I go?


tiredofthebs
12-04-2010, 03:59 PM
This is the first blog I have ever written but I really need it because I don't feel as if I have anywhere else to go. I don't know who to turn to or what I want to hear, so I thought that people I don't know would give me the straightest answers.

He's been addicted to cocaine since he was 15, if not 13. I tried it when I was 18 and got addicted. We partied together. We also really loved (love?) each other. We got married. It has been almost 7 years together, almost 6 years married. It has been almost 4 years since I kicked my habit and have not done any coke since.

We went into recovery together, where I stayed clean, and he got a year. Then used, then used again, and so on and so on, Roughly every 3 months, going down to every 2 months, and now it seems to be every month.

I just moved 5 hours north because of an amazing job. Tyler (My husband) stayed behind to finish work. We just returned from a trip to Mexico, which was sooooo wonderful. I had to come back up north to work, and Tyler will be joining me in two weeks when his job ends.

When I first got clean, it made me so angry when Tyler would use, because I had no desire to have it in my life and couldn't understand why he did. He felt terrible everytime he did it. He would lie, and be gone for days with no word from him, coming back and crying that he **cked up again and was SO SORRY. I would be so angry, but a couple of days would pass and I would forgive him. Because I believe he wants to get better and quit the cocaine for good, but has more trouble than I did.

What felt like everytime I had a nightshift, or work in another city, or vacation, whenever I wasn't there, he would use. As it went on (almost 4 years now) I would get mad, kick him out of the house, want to leave. But always he would come back and I would forgive him, and believe he wanted to get better.

Right before I moved (3 months ago) he used again, and for some reason I wasn't mad or angry. It was a totally different feeling. I was disappointed, and I was hurt to the core. I think because I started to really see, that he didn't want to get better. I don't know.

He used 1 time every month since I have been moved away, and each time I have only felt pain, and an odd calmness that I haven't felt other times, no anger, just calm pain. A stabbing in my heart, a tightness, but a calm head.

I am at work right now, I have some time to be in my head. He is using right now. It has happened so many times before, I know the signs. I KNOW he is using. He won't call, or answer his phone, when we usually talk 10 times a day. I get a feeling in my heart, and I just know. It has never failed me.

So I sit here, trying to figure out what to do. Should I stay or should I go? Do I keep believing that he wants to get better?? Do I stay and believe that? Do I bring kids into this world with only the belief that he wants to recover? Do I continue to wonder everytime he doesnt answer his phone for a day if he is doing terrible things? I just don't know what to do anymore and it is tearing me apart inside.

I'm so lost.

Should I stay, or should I go?

Tired of the bs

Madison104
12-04-2010, 04:48 PM
Oh (((tired))) I am so sorry. My daughter is the addict in my life, and she just got out of prison. She is doing well for now, but we take it one day at a time.

I would NOT bring children into this world, not unless this man had some LONG time recovery under his belt. I know they can relapse at any time, but I am going to be honest with you. NOTHING and I mean nothing will stop him unless HE decides that he wants to seek help, that the pain of using is more than the pain of not using and until he reaches HIS bottom, whatever that may be. I have been doing this for almost 8 years with my daughter. When they say, jail, death OR recovery being the only 3 choices, they are not fooling.

Sadly we cannot "love them into recovery" BUT losing you, may be his bottom..maybe not.......We have to stop enabling as you probably know, and that is doing for them what they could or should be doing for themselves.

We also MUST mean what we say and say what we mean. And we must follow through.

I worked on al-anon, joined a wonderful online support forum, and I have learned so, so much so that I could have MY life back. I know, oh how I know how hard this is.
You know that until they are serious about recovery, they will continue to lie, as that goes with this awful disease. They "mean well" often when they make promises only to let you down time after time.

I don't usually say certain things, meaning I would not tell you to stay or leave your husband, but again, I would NOT bring a child into this mess. That child will not change what he is doing. I know we hope that it will....but it just means that there is a precious baby with a dad that won't be available.

Don't stand in the way of his pain. He needs to feel that pain to hopefully turn that corner and find his way to recovery.

I hope I have not made this too long. If you have not read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, please do get the book. They have it at the library if you are unable to purchase it. She is a recovering addict and when I read that book it really was like sitting down with a friend, over coffee while I saw myself in almost every page.

We know we did NOT cause this, we cannot control this and we cannot cure this.

Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I am SO very sorry for your pain...
Madison

tiredofthebs
12-04-2010, 05:20 PM
Thank you so much Ella for your reply. I know I cannot bring a child into this mess. You are so right about that! I know that would not be good for a child. I guess I just feel like, after all that I have been through with this, if he ever decides to get clean and stay that way, will it ever be a good idea to bring a child in? There will always be a chance of him relapsing. I don't know. I understand the disease, as I too am a recovering addict for 4 years now, but I guess I just have seem him hit a way deeper bottom than I have, and I always think that is his bottom, and it's not. And I don't see it ending anytime soon.

I am going to read that book, because I am codependant! But I also love who he is, and who he can be, which makes turning away so hard.

I think an alanon meeting would be perfect!

Thanks again!

Would love to hear some more responses!!!!!

Thank you all for being my shoulder~~~

Madison104
12-04-2010, 05:31 PM
Gosh, I hear you. I hope others do come along and respond. I will send you a pm in a bit, if we can do that here....

We DO see the beautiful person that is there inside of them..and I know that you understand that. My daughter, lost her marriage, custody of her little boy, she then got an apartment and not only lost that, she lost EVERY single one of her possessions right down to her underwear with a terrible eviction. The boyfriend at the time totaled her car (no insurance of course) while he was high so she lost her car.....she actually lived in another boyfriend's car for a while and she stayed in many sleezy hotels. She did, as I think I mentioned....LOTS of time in the county jail....she did 6 mths in a prison in another state, she failed a drug court program, and she just did 18 mths in our state prison. She was on the bracelet....she would disappear for months at a time....and before she lost her things, she pawned SO many things anyway! I cannot tell you about the gazillion pieces my heart broke in to..............Sadly, we know a bottom for them can mean death. I did the tough love.....I did it all, and in the end, I could only save myself. She is staying with me now and by the grace of God, she is working a program and doing well. ONE day at a time......

Again, I hope others do come along with some good experience, strength and hope to share. We ALWAYS do have hope...as dismal as this feels at times..
((hugs))
Madison aka Ella...(I goofed when signing off last time..sorry)

Phoenix
12-05-2010, 10:39 AM
I don't know who to turn to or what I want to hear, so I thought that people I don't know would give me the straightest answers.

We partied together. We also really loved (love?) each other. We got married. It has been almost 7 years together, almost 6 years married. It has been almost 4 years since I kicked my habit and have not done any coke since.

We went into recovery together, where I stayed clean, and he got a year. Then used, then used again, and so on and so on


When I first got clean, it made me so angry when Tyler would use, because I had no desire to have it in my life and couldn't understand why he did. He felt terrible everytime he did it. He would lie, and be gone for days with no word from him, coming back and crying that he **cked up again and was SO SORRY. I would be so angry, but a couple of days would pass and I would forgive him. Because I believe he wants to get better and quit the cocaine for good, but has more trouble than I did.


Right before I moved (3 months ago) he used again, and for some reason I wasn't mad or angry. It was a totally different feeling. I was disappointed, and I was hurt to the core. I think because I started to really see, that he didn't want to get better. I don't know.


So I sit here, trying to figure out what to do. Should I stay or should I go? Do I keep believing that he wants to get better?? Do I stay and believe that? Do I bring kids into this world with only the belief that he wants to recover? Do I continue to wonder everytime he doesnt answer his phone for a day if he is doing terrible things? I just don't know what to do anymore and it is tearing me apart inside.

I'm so lost.

Should I stay, or should I go?

Tired of the bs

Hello tiredofthebs,

When dealing with relationship issues intertwined with drug use,one must proceed with caution when answering...(in my opinion)

I humbly ask you to read what I have paraphrased above.

1)Will he recover? The honest truth is that no one knows for sure.

2)Is he earnestly trying to stop using? There is no way of really knowing(after all,you are not around him 24/7).

3)Do you feel guilty because you recovered and he hasn't? (you can best answer that)

4)Do you feel that he has it in him to recover,based on your years of personal involvement with him? (you can best answer this)

The honest truth is that some will recover but not all(which is utterly unfortunate,to say the least).

Thinking about children would have to be met with a best and worse case scenario(hope for the best but prepare for the worse).

Of course,worse case would include raising your child/children without him in the picture.

Would the child/children remind you too much of him,making you resentful towards them?

These are but a few things to consider.

I suppose when you say "go" it refers to either a separation or divorce.

Once again I remain neutral;there are too many variables to consider.

Ultimately,your decision should be based upon your quality of life.

I apologize for remaining "on the fence" so to speak but I hope that I,at the very least.provided a little food for thought.

Respectfully Phoenix

tiredofthebs
12-05-2010, 11:24 AM
Thank you Pheonix!! These are the questions I like to hear! It gives be a baseline on what I need to think about, because in my head, I am so lost as to what to think! I appreciate you sharing with me. I know ultimitaly it is my decision, and I don't expect someone to tell me to stay or go. Thank you. Your questions really have allowed my head to have a starting point. They are all questions that sometimes are hard to ask yourself, but need to be done!

An update on the situation. So, I heard from him Friday night, and then heard nothing until this morning at 7am. He was honest about using. He wants to move up here right away to get out of the craziness. But, isn't the craziness in his head? I've learned through recovery that you cannot make a geographical change, and be cured. But does it work sometimes?? Will having me there be enough support for him? All questions I can't seem to find an answer to.

Thanks again everyone!
Keep posting me your thoughts!

Tired of the BS

Phoenix
12-06-2010, 06:16 AM
He was honest about using. He wants to move up here right away to get out of the craziness. But, isn't the craziness in his head?

I've learned through recovery that you cannot make a geographical change, and be cured. But does it work sometimes?? Will having me there be enough support for him? All questions I can't seem to find an answer to.

Thanks again everyone!
Keep posting me your thoughts!

Tired of the BS

Hello tiredofthebs:

Yes,he was honest but (and with all due respect) haven't you been down this road before with him?

With respect to the "craziness in his head" he may have issues that require confronting.

The only thing guaranteed about making a geographical change is that he will be in a different location.

If a person were to move to,let's say,the furthest reaches of Alaska, and still exhibited drug-seeking behavior, they would locate a dealer; even if in an igloo.

The change may or may not evoke a change in him(although i hope it will).

Will you be enough of a support system for him?

The "people and places" aspect will not be an immediate concern,because the locale may be unfamiliar...it's the "things" part of the equation that(in my opinion) could be a need for concern.

Time will tell.

Respectfully Phoenix

caring12
12-06-2010, 06:54 AM
I loved a man that abusive to me. Way to long and in the end it almost cost my life. I had know what i now know. I would have left sooner. Get out get counseling and get stronger. Do not let a man or anyone do this to you again. Love means not hurting the one you love in a bad way. He gotyou addicted. He may get angry with you for not being like him. i have seen it before.

ladyluv
12-07-2010, 12:35 AM
hi its so sad to hear that, but as a wife my opinion is don't give up while you still manage to handle it, maybe again he needs a professional help to help him recover, and after why don't you try to convince him to seek a new place, a new job for a new life. and constant prayer because nothing is impossible with god... God Speed!!

tiredofthebs
12-09-2010, 04:05 AM
Well, my plan is to keep being supportive. I love him too much to let him go just yet. We will see how the "Geographical change" works, and if it doesn't, well I think I got my answer. Here is to hoping this works! I think this is my last straw.

Thank you all for your very insightful (spelling?) words!!
You have all really helped me make my decision!

Thanks again

Tiredofthebs

Phoenix
12-09-2010, 05:49 AM
Hello tiredofthebs,

The heart wants what the heart wants;plain and simple.

Here's to hoping that things work well for the two of you.

Respectfully Phoenix

tiredofthebs
12-09-2010, 07:03 AM
Thanks Pheonix!! You were a big help!!!

tiredofthebs
04-11-2011, 01:21 AM
So, here I am months later and in the same situation. He used last night, while I was asleep, and I woke up to find him using in our house with his cousin. He didn't care. He finally fell asleep and when he woke up he threw up for hours and then fell asleep again. He is sleeping on the couch now. He hasn't said anything to me.

I want to leave. I understand now that my love is not enough to cure him. I can't handle the pain anymore. I just can't. But at the same time it tears me apart to leave. I love him with everything in me. Finacially I can't leave.

I don't know what to do........My heart hurts and my soul is torn apart.

tiredofthebs
08-05-2011, 05:37 PM
Update......

I have moved out, things just kept getting worse. He cheated with my best friend and I thought that only happened in movies. I am scared, and overwhelmed. We have officially ended things. It hurts but at the same time I feel relief. Finacially I am screwed but I just couldn't stay any longer.

reachout
08-05-2011, 07:01 PM
Hello Tired

My heart hurt for you as I read this thread. I know you hurt, but what a wise choice you have made. I am amazed at your own strength in maintaining sobriety throughout this. Good for you for truly restoring your life. We can not carry another's baggage for them no matter if we love them or not. Each of us has the personal obligation to recognize our problems and seek the solution and do the work needed to make the solution work. You have chosen to do this, he has chosen not to do this.

It would be better that you live in a room at the Y than to continue to share your life with someone in such opposition to your own determination to stay clean. There will be opportunities for happiness in your life again now; staying with an addict can only take away our chances to particpate in finding and following our own dreams and finding the joy of life again.

Stay strong and move forward. Do not waste time in your life waiting for him to change. Spend it instead investing in your own happiness and dreams.

Best, best wishes.
reach

tiredofthebs
08-05-2011, 07:30 PM
Thanks reach out. It is just so much harder than I though. I do appreciate your kind words though. I miss him, but only the good times, and that just isn't enough to make we want to go back yet. Today I am really struggling. I am going back to school in September for 4 years and I am just struggling finacially and emotionally, trying to figure out how to do this. Having to sell me car. I just feel like I came out with nothing and he came out with everything, as fair as we are both trying to be. My heart aches, and I am exhausted. I just wish I could move forward but I am so very stuck in this painful place.

Phoenix
08-05-2011, 08:18 PM
Update......

I have moved out, things just kept getting worse. He cheated with my best friend and I thought that only happened in movies. I am scared, and overwhelmed. We have officially ended things. It hurts but at the same time I feel relief. Finacially I am screwed but I just couldn't stay any longer.

Hello tiredof the bs,

Your username truly represents your stance.

I just hope that you are somewhere safe.

It has been 8 months since you first posted this thread and I must say that you've come a long way.

I,for one,know that you can persevere through this.

Please ask any questions and know that we'll be here in your time of need.

Respectfully
Phoenix

katlin09
08-05-2011, 08:33 PM
Leaving is really hard, but you did the right thing. Nobody wants to give up on their marriage, but sometimes its just not salvageable and you have to do whats best for you. Supporting a husband through hard times is one thing....but it only works if the other person wants to and is willing to give 110% towards making a change.

It will be difficult for a bit, but stay strong and hang in there. I finally left my abusive alcoholic husband after 23 yrs. of marriage....it took me a long time to realize I couldn't "fix him" and knew I had to go. It was really hard for a while, but now a year and a half later, I am happier than I've ever been, even with the hard times. He's married to his girlfriend, that was there during the end of our marriage....c'est la vie, they deserve each other.

Good luck, hang in there and stay strong. You can make it on your own.

kat

tiredofthebs
08-05-2011, 08:42 PM
Thanks everyone. It feels right in my heart, I think it is just my head that messes with me!! And the finacial strain............uhhhhh that part really sucks, and I have a great job.