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View Full Version : Our struggle with son and his addiction to Xanax


mysonmike
12-09-2010, 06:31 PM
Hey guys. I am sure some of you know my history with my 23 yr old and the xanax....there's so much tell but I don't even have the energy to tell it. I am going to tell him to leave my house today. he takes from us without asking, then when confronted, he's definsive....like, we did something and not him. I don't know if there is any hope for him. and this is when he is clean........when he's not, now that's a whole different story!!!!! I don't know that he will have anywhere to go...but you know, if he's not worried about that, then i am not either....I don't even like to look or talk to him anymore. :confused:

Flint..its me JULES3 Do you remember me?

flintrock
12-09-2010, 06:44 PM
Of course I remember you!! How are you? Things are better right now. He has been soing very well. He drink occasionally, but I can handle that. He is out of work and is looking, but nothing yet. His work history isnt too good, and he never keeps a job more than 3 months...so who knows. We left for a week at Thanksgiving..left him at home with he younger son who is 20 and more mature than the other one will ever be. things went fine. It was a test for me. to see if he could keep things calm for a week. He knew he better, it gets easier and easier to kick him out......

mysonmike
12-09-2010, 07:14 PM
Of course I remember you!! How are you? Things are better right now. He has been soing very well. He drink occasionally, but I can handle that. He is out of work and is looking, but nothing yet. His work history isnt too good, and he never keeps a job more than 3 months...so who knows. We left for a week at Thanksgiving..left him at home with he younger son who is 20 and more mature than the other one will ever be. things went fine. It was a test for me. to see if he could keep things calm for a week. He knew he better, it gets easier and easier to kick him out......

Hi flint, you know i never forgot you..My baby died this past Nov 2 ..He was 24. Too many pills ..he went to sleep and didnt wake up..I hate telling you this news. Do you remember back when my son went onto the board and posted in my spot?






I never forgot you..My baby died this past nov 2..He was 24..Too many pills. after 4 inpatient rehabs , then outpatient rehabs, last year he was in a sober house for 3 mths..He loved his pain pills and xanax too much. We tried it all, all the tough love,all the help, everything..he woudnt stop. He would go in and out of denial.. Lie right to our faces..I loved him so much, i miss him so much.I dont mean to make you feel sad, For some reason i just felt the need to tell my friend FLINT.

flintrock
12-09-2010, 08:27 PM
I am sooo sorry to heat that!! :( I know how bad you must hurt. But you also have to feel some relief as strange as that sounds. I know I would. But you get to that point with these addicts. I have been doing some research on what these drugs do to people after long term use and abuse. Heart, liver, stomach, it's all there....it destroys your body and mind. sometimes i think my son has mental issues that these drugs have caused. Not sure if he will ever be the same. My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend!!! Thanks for posting and please keep in touch!! We have a bond that will never change!!

mysonmike
12-10-2010, 04:37 AM
Over this past year, he changed soooo much..he truley wasnt my son anymore..he was a different person..these pills change all the receptors in the brain. As far as relief, i know my boy is AT PEACE..he coudnt find it here and was constanly searching for it..An excellent drug therapist told me that they need to be completely clean for about 2 years to get "their marbles back" i believe it...not clean for a month at a time..and sneeking some pills here and there...i just miss him so much..please tell your boy how easy it is to go to sleep and not wake up...talk to you later..

reachout
12-10-2010, 06:30 AM
Hello Jules

Just read your post with sorrow in my heart. He was a young man who backed himself into a corner and just couldn't get out. I am so very, very sorry.

He never did this to hurt you, Jules. Never. These drugs cloud the mind so badly. We use them, feel so terribly guilty for hurting the ones we love, then use again to wipe away the pain. A terrible, pointless way to cope with life, but it gets imbedded in our thinking. I lived it, I know. It takes a lot of strength and a lot of maturity to fight our way to clean. My own abuse began later in life and I often think that I survived and turned it around because of age and experience. I didn't feel invincible as young people often do. I knew it was stop or die and that gave me some incentive. I truly wanted stop and I had enough experience in life to know that we can change.

I think he has found now the peace that eluded him in life. The depression that comes with prolonged drug abuse becomes unbearable. He is not suffering that anymore and is peaceful. You, too, need to find peace with this now. It is not what you wanted, never what you would have chosen for your beloved son, but it is what has come to happen. There probably is never an understanding of it as a mom, only an accceptance. Cherish the memories that are cherishable, accept those that are not. My heart aches with you in your loss.

Hugs
reach

mysonmike
12-10-2010, 12:56 PM
Thank YOU.

mysonmike
12-10-2010, 06:03 PM
Hi Reach
Do i remember you from way back when??
Mike was suffering..depressed on and off..never really gave himself to feel better..pointless to take anti-depressants and pills that make you depressed such as xanax..its a horrible vicious cycle..He would stay clean for a lttle bit then start again..each and every time was like a knife threw my heart..like an ice sculpture being chipped bit by bit..He didnt do it too hurt me, that i know for sure..He loved me the most,im positive of that..And i do know hes at Peace..Im just hurting so bad..Im so happy to see that you are well :)

reachout
12-10-2010, 06:42 PM
Hi

Yes, I have been on the board for a few years. I used to read a lot of the posts between you and Flint and one other poster whose name evades me at the moment. I didn't add much ever to any of your posts as I wasn't in the position to at that time. However, I gained a lot from them... I saw the pain I was causing others with my sinking into drug haze, only I was the mom and it was my grown children and family I was hurting.

Funny, Xanax was one of the drugs I tapered from (after Oxycodone). It took me a long time to grasp that it was the drugs that were drawing me deeper and deeper into depression and there I was trying to use them to calm the depression in me. I still shake my head at my ignorance.

I am glad that you have such a good understanding of his love for you and for his not wanting to hurt you. I can not imagine thepain you are enduring, though. I can only keep you in my heart and prayers that it will ease for you someday. In my heart nd prayers you will be.

In peace
reach

flintrock
12-10-2010, 10:38 PM
Oh Reach How good it is to hear from you. Tonight my son came home zanned....tried to tell me different as I looked into his eyes and saw the xanax there. I have seen it too many times. He always blames someone else...it's always poor me...he said he would not go back to rehab or go to sobering living. You can't talk to them when they are using so I kept it calm and told him he needed to go find a place to stay tonight because I could tell it would not be a good night. Tomorrow, whether he's sober or not, he has to leave. I do not want to see him again until he's clean and sober and has his life on the right track...or some track!! I can't help him, and he doesn't want help from anyone else...so....it is what it is....sad...but my life and the peace of my home means more to me than the demon he carries....pray for him...thank you all....this board is my rock!!!

mysonmike
12-11-2010, 06:40 AM
Oh Flint, How old is he now? I know the feeling so well..each time you look into his eyes you know when hes high..and he will lie right into your face. he cant help it..hes suffering too..WHY? I never could figure it out..Its a cycle that is so hard to get out of..Do you know that i could go to a store and loook at young men and tell you in a half of a second if they are on drugs. I want to beat the crap out of all of them..Botoom Line and The only Line...THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD DO FOR HIM..HE HAS TO WANT TO STAY CLEAN WITH ALL OF HIM!!!!! NOT YOU OR ANYONE ELSE!!
I also know how much you love him and how HARD HE MAKES IT FOR YOU TO LOVE HIM..Keep fighting for him..Do whatever you need to do..I actually had to move away from my son 6 mths ago, he was slowly killing me ,,just watching him self-destruct..:(

flintrock
12-11-2010, 08:11 AM
He is 25 now. And not even 1 year out of rehab and already had so many "relapses" I can't count. that shows you he isn't the least bit ready. I will put his clothes and things in a bag, as always, and he can pick them up today. But I will never allow him in my house again. Last night he talked to his brother, 20, like an enemy. he took $10 out of his wallet and then denied it. So, I had plans today to visit with friends for christmas party, but I will stay home, pack his stuff and set it on the front porch. I don't want to leave the house, husband went back out last night (railroader) and I want son out and gone so we can all rest. I am going to tell him, not to contact me again...for anything....and when he's clean and sober and has his life in order with a job and can take responsibility for his life, then MAYBE.....but as of now, I don't want want any contact with him at all for a long time. He may never change and I am 53 yrs old this month, and want some peace in my life, even if it means without him....I am so done.

corissa3
12-14-2010, 08:47 PM
I've been following this story and offered my opinion on how its OUR (the addicts) fault and deserving of WHATEVER outcome the people having to deal with us decide our fate shall be.

I'm so saddened by this because (again) I have been on both sides .... the addict and the one dealing with an addict. I was fortunate because I had SOMEONE there. It's so sad to me to think that there is a human being out there deserving of love who is "let go". Again, its deserving because as an addict, we have put YOU and EVERYONE around you on the back burner. YOU mean nothing to us (the addict) and we certainly don't care about YOU. So why should you care about us? I wouldn't turn my back on someone dying of heart disease, cancer, or any other disease that can consume you slowly (for arguments sake).
This human being sees YOU as a way of tying US over until WE can score again or a place to stay until WE (again, the addict) feels like we have no further use for you and we decide it's time to go.
So why turn your back? In my opinion its because deep down, its your son, father, mother, daughter under the blanket of addiction and when you pull that blanket back, it really is them...the person you still love.
I hate addiction....this story makes me so sad. I feel so bad for you. And no matter what decision you make...it's the right one.

Lastlly, I am a 280 lb weight lifter getting back into mixed martial arts fighting and I gotta tell you, you have greater strength than I and for that, I applaud you.

flintrock
12-14-2010, 09:29 PM
Wish I felt that strong. I feel very week and tired today. I know I have to do this because with me, he hasn't changed. Maybe without me (and his dad and brother) he will soon realize that we want him sober and his normal self. We don't like this other person. The other person is mean, nasy, a thief, a liar, a con, and the list goes on and on. I can not let my 1st born be that person. i didn't raise my son to be that person and I won't settle for that. I will let him go rather than give in to this. I lvoe him so much it hurts. but 10 years of this...I can't do it any more. If I had the strength, I probably would. but I am soooo tired of living this way. I pray that God lifts him up so he can see his life as it is and shows him what it can be if only he wants it!! I truely believe this will be. Not sure when, but it will be!!!!!! Thanks for responding. I appreciate any advice or help I can get. Hugs

corissa3
12-14-2010, 11:46 PM
Believe it or not, YOUR true strength comes from letting go. Stay true to yourself and live YOUR life. Focus on making that your only goal....to let go.

oxygirl
12-15-2010, 05:18 AM
Dear Flintrock

I believe I posted on the earlier thread. However, I am just getting used to this and don't even know if i replied right. First I want to tell Mysonmike, I am so sorry. I hope you can find peace in your heart. I have a 17 year old son with many issues, not drugs but bad issues just the same. He grew up with an abusive father. (my fault). I also was a victim of this abuse. His father was an avid xanax user, pot smoker and later a crackhead! I have been through it all. The one thing I know is you cannot be an enabler or you and everyone around you will live in hell for this one person. This is a disease however, would you expose your family to a horrible contagious plague just because one of the family members have it or would you quarantine them? Look at it that way. I have come far but have further to go. I managed to get a divorce but the ex is still hanging around as he has no place to go. The kids are almost grown and feel sorry for him. The abuse has subsided only because he knows i will not go in a room and cry anymore i will call 911 in a hot second. If you notice my name (Oxygirl). I am on these posts looking for encouragement to get off my pain meds. I don't abuse them but nonetheless they are like trading one devil for another. Anyways I am doing real well. Have cut my doseage in half in a week. Will get injections next month and hopefully they will be successful and I will taper off. I do have empathy with the addicted. But you have to be stronger than the drug. It is the devil

SoHard2GetPast
01-13-2011, 11:27 PM
Hi Reachout n mysonmike...this is my very 1st post ever....(actually my 1st "blogging" ever in my life, but these are things I want to talk about. "mysonmike", I'm SO sorry for your loss. I have an exboyfriend who's 30 yr old brother passed away also.....took a ton of pills for a long period of time, (anything he could get his hands on 2 swallow), but last June he swallowed 2 much n never woke up. ...now "Reachout", I'm not a mom, but it appears we have some things in common because I'm trying the "tapering" thing off Xanax too, but keep failing....day after day. January 18th (next wk) will b exactly 1 yr I've been off the painkillers. I took Vicodin, eventually a ridiculous amount of Oxycontin, n anything else I could get my hands on for yrs! 2009 was TERRIBLE for me w it tho as I Secretly dabbled in over several yrs, but 2009 it became daily n increased usage FAST. I barely remember it. It was a blur n I passed out more times than I want to remember. I am a 28yr old female n next wk will b 1 yr since I Overdosed, woke up in an ambulance n was told by SEVERAL Drs I was extremely lucky to b alive. They all told me that my liver was SO shot, that I REALLY SHOULD b dead. They said "I can't believe I'm looking at this chart w these liver counts n U R ALIVE!!" ..it was really scary n I never wanted a painkiller Again! However, I went to a Dr immediately after the hospital n he put me on Suboxene. Surprisingly it didn't do anything for me tho n I've been off it for at least a month. The downside is that HORRIBLE Dr I 1st went to prescribed me Xanax! ...Taking that prescription is the biggest regret I have in my whole life :( it escalated from .5 mg a day to 2mg a day, 2.5......now 5. I try to taper, but can't sleep (like right now) n sometimes (ughhh) take 6 or 7. I spent ALL of 2010 sick... Just really sick from all the meeds I'd tried n my new Xanax addiction. I'm told by several other Drs that Xanax addiction is the HARDEST to kick....that "benzos" are THE MOST difficult, have to taper REALLY slow, but I see it myself! I had to see a Gastroentronologist because I couldn't keep anything down, massive diarrhea n vomiting, n VERY long story short, after a colonoscopy, endoscopy n TONS of different meeds, the Gastro diagnosed me with (GAD) Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which I NEVER had before the Xanax. IT's HORRIBLE n I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Tremors get so bad I actually can't write! It's SO embarrassing that when i try to write on paper, it really looks like a 6yr old wrote it :( ...the panic attacks, the tremors/shaking, heart palpitations, insomnia, DEPRESSION....ughhhh..it ALL sux. All from these little blue pills that terrible Dr prescribed me. I traded one problem in for a worse one! I forget EVERYTHING!! Some if my friends joke how I never renumber anything n others prob get annoyed. It's so emaressing, frustrating, etc,,, So about 2 yrs after I get off this crap I'll Start to feel normal??? .. It's ALL a blur 2 me!!! I'm so frustrated I coiled go on forever ;(



Hi

Yes, I have been on the board for a few years. I used to read a lot of the posts between you and Flint and one other poster whose name evades me at the moment. I didn't add much ever to any of your posts as I wasn't in the position to at that time. However, I gained a lot from them... I saw the pain I was causing others with my sinking into drug haze, only I was the mom and it was my grown children and family I was hurting.

Funny, Xanax was one of the drugs I tapered from (after Oxycodone). It took me a long time to grasp that it was the drugs that were drawing me deeper and deeper into depression and there I was trying to use them to calm the depression in me. I still shake my head at my ignorance.

I am glad that you have such a good understanding of his love for you and for his not wanting to hurt you. I can not imagine thepain you are enduring, though. I can only keep you in my heart and prayers that it will ease for you someday. In my heart nd prayers you will be.

In peace
reach

SoHard2GetPast
01-13-2011, 11:33 PM
I wish u the best of luck, but also a tip....taper off and push through the withdrawal period. Don't do the Suboxene as you've prob been suggested. It's literally trading 1 addiction for another. You are ONLY PROLONGING the withdrawal.... Tapering off Suboxene is even Harder. I've seen it w my own eyes n it's Really unbelievable HOW hard it us for like 99% of ppl! ...(I was that 1% that didn't have a problem stopping Suboxene, but that's prob because vie developed this HORRIBLE Xanax addiction n now GAD!) ....I sincerely wish u luck.

mysonmike
01-15-2011, 07:44 AM
hey quick, this is mikes mom..its been 2.5 mths since he died from the overdose of pain pills and xanax. He lived on long island ny ..same as you..i moved to fla 7 mths ago because i coudnt take watching my son self destruct any longer. he in turn was killing me.Mike was on pain pills then suboxone , when he was on sub he thought it would be ok to abuse xanax . story is pretty much the same as yours..You honey are an addict ,,i know that you know that ..you shouldn't have been prescribed xanax. most of these Docs are idiots and just dont care.. it is really just trading 1 addiction for another. You cant keep doing what you are doing, you will always have the same results..Is it possible to get into a detox and a rehab? you cant come off xanax by yourself, you will have seizures...

mysonmike
01-15-2011, 07:48 AM
Hey flint, thinking of you and your boy????? Please update:angel: