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View Full Version : I'm a wife of a crack cocaine addict in desperate need as well


scaredoftruth
03-19-2011, 11:10 PM
I dont know where to begin....im so heart broken in so many ways i cant even count myself! i want to let go but am terrified of the many outcomes...i love my husband! But i am so emotionally worn out from all this...the lies, betrayal, the emotional, mental and verbal abuse. One day he loves me...the next he kills me with words I cant even describe! Because, I too am in constent shock of the things that can come out of his mouth to me...when Im the only one that has been there for him. I know i have to let go...but am afraid! Of the "what if"! He made me file for divorce (he doesnt want to be married anymore)...he tells me he hates me...he tells me he's not happy with me...he tells me the first chance he gets he will find another women to lay onto...he tells me he'll do anything to destroy me if i ruin him (if he looses his job) he tells me that he will have our daughter on the weekends....that'll he do whatever to getting his way! Not realizing the effect he will make on our daughter if one day he would slip....while having her. I cant have that....
But when he messes up he calls me!!!! only me!!!! says hes sorry!!!! he didnt mean any of it!!!! but in a few days the roller coaster starts all over again!!!!!
hes destroyed my trust and heart in so many ways....he calls me after a slip and tells me he wants to come back home! What do I do? I tell him as much as I want too hes killed me in so many ways I dont know what to believe anymore! he gets upset...again all over again !!!! and everything is my fault....like always! Hes starts with his manipulation and treats all over agin just to get his way....im so tired of it! I want out! but I do love him....and am scared that if Im not there anymore what would happen to him! Im starting to realize i ant help him anymore and nomatter what i offer to him (i can offer him the world) he will never choose his family! because hes not ready!!!! before he would disappear occassionaly (especially when he drank) i didnt understand why!!! then other things started happening....and one thing led to another and the truth came out!!! that he was using!!! but ever since his sister passed away back in the fall of 2010 he became a monster...first all the verbal and emotional abuse!!! with his manipulations and threats!!! telling alot of hurtful things you dont ever tell a wife....then using much more frequent!! I had to kick him out for my sanity...he was taking it all out on me telling me it was all my fault. he would always find something to blame me....even talking to women over the internet and tell me hes had better...that im ugly! and so forth when he tried to stay away from all drugs! this is really not healthy for me because my self esteem is completely shot!!! im trying so hard to hold on because my vows to him...mean the world to me! but hes making it so hard that its killing me in the process.....i have no more energy!!!! when i do tell him to come back he then makes more excuses and the roller coaster starts all over again....damn if you do and damn if you dont! I cant take his games anymore....please help! I know deep inside hes a good man...and i think along with loving him unconditionally thats why i hold on! But i wanna love myself as well!!! so I can be a better mother to my children...ive always worked and had everything! and with all this i no longer work...but I thank god that ive always held on my own finacially and learned in the process to not fall for his lies when it came to the bills and making sure my children still had everything and more. if not i wouldnt even have food for them....but my personal things...finances and material things ive always held strong! this is one of the reasons why our marriage fell thru along with his addiction....he always wanted my money! if i did that i would be flat broke with nothing!
ive always been there for him....cleaned him up! did so much for him....why does he hurt me in so many ways? why me?! when im holding on.....and i dont wanna let go because im afraid if i do! i could loose him to death...but i know too he will destroy me in the long wrong! and my weakness is my children..and the love i have for him..and he knows that! How do i gear away from this....in the best way possible!?? i dont think i can take any of this any longer...since hes been gone...i have found peace...tranquillity...not having to worry about anything (an arguement or anything)! But he is around that he acts like he want to come back (which only last a few days) all my worries come back. im hate that for 3 days he loves me and the rest he can hurt me and act like nothing! I can cry my heart out and he just stares with no remorse....but when he falls and looks for me he cries, and i listen and cry with him...and ask him to get help (that im willing to help him make those steps) he stears away and starts making excuse...then a few days later doesnt love me especially on the weekends when he gets paid on friday! but when i need him....i get nothing! just pushed down!? I really want to understand! i dont wanna take anything personal but its really hard! when he playing with my heart....whenever he wants or doesnt want! I cant anymore...i want out! but then again i think of my vows and the love i truly have for him!

Norcoguy
03-20-2011, 02:35 AM
Yep...Thats how we treat the ones we love, they take the full brunt of it, isnt being an addict wonderful

superspy
03-20-2011, 03:34 AM
I don't usually post here, as I am a chronic pain patient. But, I'm tapering off of one of my medications, so I happened to read your post and wanted to reply.

No one should ever be treated the way that he treats you. It is disgusting. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. It breaks my heart that you are treated this way by him.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much abuse and with so many things that words, I'm sure, cannot even describe. Do you have anyone that you can talk to about this? Is there any possible way that you could make an appointment with your doctor to ask if you could get someone to talk to? I'm saying this because the things that you are going through are so incredibly serious that I think it would really help you to have someone to talk to.

I would run far, far, far away from him. Really. I would leave. But, I would seek professional help while doing so (counseling), so that someone could help me with the whole process.

From what you have written, I think that deep down you know that you need to leave. I hope that others who have more experience will reply.

You are in my thoughts and my prayers.

oxygirl
03-20-2011, 12:21 PM
Dear Scared, I could have written this post at one time. My exhusband is a drug addict. His main drug of choice was crack. It totally destroyed my family. I should have gotten out long long before I did but I was weak. For one thing mine wouldn't leave. He still won't even though we are divorced. He is more manageable now but all the hurt and ruination has already happened. I feel guilty for letting my kids grow up seeing all of this. Well they mainly heard it as he would go off and do this "thing" and then come home, broke and mean and yelling at us. I worked a parttime job and had some financial support from family. He would give me some of his money under the assumption that he could go "off" and spend some. It was a horrible compromise but I felt I had no other choice. The one time I had the guts to leave him, he went to the school and took our two older children who were 5 and 6 at the time. After that I lost courage. I can't tell you how badly you need to get away from him. You will look back on your life like I am currently doing right now and wish to God you had done it. I am 42 years old and have suffered a lot of health problems. Some of it I blame him for. I am currently taking roxicodone for pain and am weaning myself off of it. That is how I came to find this board and the great people on it. I don't usually tell this part of my story as it doesn't have anything to do with my pain medicine addiction but I can tell u this, there is a difference between addicts and pure demons. It sounds like your husband (please forgive me) is a mean demon like mine was and still can be. We got into an argument yesterday and I threatened to call the law on him. Before he would have threw something at me or came in the room and hit me but oh not anymore! I left him in jail for 41 days and then his mama got him out. I was DONE!!! I made the mistake of letting him come home supposedly for 2 weeks so he could get his house ready and he never left. Of course he was good for a few weeks and then the shi$ hit the fan. However, he no longer smokes crack but has a different drug of choice. It is somewhat milder but still it is a drug and I hate it. He don't do it here (pot) and he really doesnt do it alot. He is still mean. It doesn't matter if it is drugs or not. You are not going to have a good life with this man. I am not usually so direct but I am saying "Get away from him" get an order of protection and make it to where he can't see kids. That is their hold over u, your children. they know where to get u. This man sounds abusive. I have read many posts from addicts on here and there is a difference between addicts and addicts who are physically or verbally abusive. Your sounds like he is both - drugs and abuse and trust me you won't care if he is dead or alive before this is over. You will grow to hate him more than he even thinks he hates u. I am just saying this to you because it is true. I feel so sorry for you. I have been in your shoes in a roundabout way. If he leaves, let him stay gone. Trust me you and your kids will be happier if you have to live on foodstamps and section 8 housing. I wished I would have done it years ago.....Good luck hon.

Norcoguy
03-21-2011, 01:27 AM
Well.......Was he a good guy before he got into crack? If so, He may be salvaged some day.

oxygirl
03-21-2011, 06:00 AM
sorry norcoguy but should she wait for years and years for him to be reformed?

scaredoftruth
03-21-2011, 08:27 AM
First off I just wanted to say thanks to all...its a beautiful thing to see that people really take the time ti hear your cries...you don't even know how much I desired that for a very long time.. I am so grateful to of had registered to this website...because now I have people that understand without criticizing. Instead you have thoae that listen amd have gone thru something similar and r able and willing to help. So thanku so very much.
I wanted to add to one of the comments that my husband has been doing this for 14 yeras way even before me....we've only been married for 3 yrs. He was sort of secretive even then ...but always blamed it on alcohol (he too is a heavy binger). I have mentioned treatment and any help and instead he choose to leave and but still torments me whenever
Now he is moving in with his sister which is too an alcoholic. And loves to party
...instead of trying to make things work with his family and himself. But ocassionally I'm the beginning of the week he looks for me says he loved me and wants to come hone and by Wednesday he doesn't because the weekend is coming up! I really can't take it anymore! I'm so hurt and feel betrayed
I try to educate myself about all this and it just makes me me much more hurt that this is true. I was in denial for a long time. Even though he tried so hard to hide it something in me somewhat knew something wasn't right! Yes in the beginning he was wonderful....but come to find out he's a smooth
talker with women and that's how he falls for good women so he can live on his lie as much as he can before it all comes out
I found out I am not the only one he's done that too....he is a predetor to very home and work oriented women those that would not have a clue or r innocent. I can't believe I feel for it....the horrible part is I feel as if he never loved me and now I am in love with a man that's a monster! And I have a child with....I don't hate him....because I c it as this is way of survival and this Is all he knows now to do
Instead of trying to really love himself and learn to b a good father and husband. I don't know if its because I have a clearer mind...I don't drink or do any drugs not even smoke a cigarette but I would die to make myself better to have that love my family that Is desperate in giving me. I always tell him....that's there's many people out there that would take his place I'm a heart beat having the ability tto b with his family that adores him and would do anything to help him get better. That he is very stupid to just let it all go....for what?! Nothing...unhappiness? I am so heartbroken...why me! I cry everyday because I knew I tried my hardest to b the beat wife I can n
..and this is how I get relayed in the end
And even now he knows I will always b there for him...and I feel as if he takes my love as a joke. He shows up and plays with my heart whenever but quickly he doesn't hesitate to break my heart. He Continues to do his thing much more frequent and when he's feeling guilty he's nice and when he wants to b out there again he quick yo say horrible things. Every week the same routine....and hus favorite is he'll make sure he gets our daughter when he wants....not realizing what he's doing to himself.

Norcoguy
03-21-2011, 11:24 AM
Geez...I was trying to look at this objectively...But wow ,yeah, this guy gots to go, So sad, and hard to believe that some people are beyond redemption, But really if he is, what you say he is, you gotta hide, move, and possibly file a retraining order, dont leave a trail or any door open. gonna take some sacrifice on your end, might have to leave a job, friends, inlaws, maybe even some of your own family.
So sad....

oxygirl
03-21-2011, 07:42 PM
First of all scared, my heart is breaking for you. I want to cry as I write this post because I too felt like you in the beginning. I want to tell you this though. You will HATE him. I promise you that if you wait like I did, you will be so mad at yourself for giving him the best years of your life. Your daughter will pick up on all this stress and she will start having problems. Your first obligation is to find a way to protect her. All it took was one witness to tell the judge they seen my husband "high" and knew what kind of drug he was taking and the judge granted me full custody of my children. He was only allowed to see them under supervision of my choice. I made the mistake of letting him come back here to supposedly stay for 2 weeks and he hasn't left since. We do argue a lot but he isn't as bad as he was because he knows i will call 911 in a new york minute. He knows what he can and cant do. It is no life though I tell you. I am working on getting him out or leaving myself. Do not become me. I am 42 and not getting any younger. I used to be such a happy person even though i was going through a lot, i still loved life and didn't have depression issues. I think i do now because i let him have so much of my life when i could have found someone who was a true husband and father and loved his family. A true father is someone who helps take kids to school and doctors and goes to baseball games and church with his family. a true husband comes home and says honey i love you and appreciate u. would u like to take a nap or a bath and i will watch kids for an hour. I never had any of that. I was always a solo parent. all of the responsibility of the kids fell on me and me only. he worked and gave me some money and he thought that he did his duty. he could go smoke crack with the rest and i should shut the f up! he missed kindergarten graduations, high school graduation of my daughter. didn't care to go. didn't want to. That is no way for you to live. i am begging you to please please please leave him. don't let him back. go find someone else. there are many men who would love a woman who didn't do drugs and wanted to take care of her family. lost of men are with women who are druggies and other things and they are miserable. it isn't just one sided. it is men and women out there. i know it is hard if your kids are small but don't let that stop u from raising them happy. that is one thing i will always have to live with the rest of my life. knowing that i allowed my kids to be made unhappy by him. and it has affected them and it is my fault. mine and mine alone! I live with that daily. Please I will pray for you. Go to church and get prayed for that you can get away from the devil cause that is what he sounds like. Let him go to his skanky sisters house. they deserve each other. he won't find no other woman. at least not for long. nobody decent will put up with him. u just happened to fall in love with him. that don't mean everyone else is out there waiting for a loser to happen to them. we made the mistake of letting love blind us. there is hope for u girl. there is a life out there. go and get it!:)

scaredoftruth
03-21-2011, 08:39 PM
Thanku I have no words right now.
..u r touching my heart in a way that just made me cry and made me realize there's hope
thanku I always thought I was alone

oxygirl
03-22-2011, 12:03 AM
Hang in there sweetie, you are a good person and deserve a good life. He is like a disease to you. You just gotta get rid of it. I know how u feel, I have walked in your shoes.

tandycipps
03-22-2011, 08:36 PM
My daughter was married to a crack addict for about three years and she says it was pure hell the whole time. He was good as gold from Monday through Friday morning, then he would pick a fight on Friday night so he could go out all weekend and leave her sitting home with no car while he spent his whole paycheck on his "fun". She went through this for most of the three years they were married. He would end up getting fired or quiting his job and spend his time sleeping till the weekend and it was party time again and it would start all over. He got arrested for some outstanding warrents or something and she knew it was over and she was going to move on with her life. We helped her buy a car and she got her a cute little apartment and a nice job and her and her four year old son had a nice life. We gave her several things she needed for her apartment like a microwave and vcr. Well, he ended up talking his way back into their life with all the usual promises and they ended up even going to Church. That lasted about a month till she came home one Friday after work and he was gone, along with the vcr and microwave we had given her plus the little tv she had bought. He came back a few days later and stole her keys and took her car and she found out later he had smoked crack in it and even burned a hole in the seat. There was a lot more that happened but I dont' have time to write it all but all I'm saying is, you need to get rid of him and the sooner the better. You need to join some kind of support group to help you deal with this. He will come crying to you to take him back, how he has changed. He will make all kinds of promises to you but you need to be tough one last time and get him out of you and your childs life once and for all before he does more damage to you both than he already has. If nothing else, think of your daughter and what this is doing to her! Sometimes it takes just leaving them for them to ever get their life together but you don't need to be with him!
Good luck and please keep us posted

oxygirl
03-23-2011, 02:35 AM
Tandy, you said it girl. I think she does need to join a support goup also. Online, only goes so far. It is possible she can make friends who are going through the same thing and maybe form a little "net" of support around her. How is your daughter doing now? I was in the same situation as both of them. My husband was self employed and made fairly good money at the time. He could afford both but it still didn't matter. the mood swings were horrible and I went through a lot of what scared is going through. We did end up divorced and he did talk his way back. he has been drug free of crack anyway for about almost 2 years. still has horrible mood swings and we fight constantly so it isn't any better. I am working on moving out or else moving him out one. It is not an easy thing to do. Good luck to scared and your daughter. Drugs are the devil.....they destroy marriages, families and the lives of innocent children. I hate them.

tandycipps
03-23-2011, 06:36 AM
My daughter is doing great now. She is married to a wonderful man and they had a little girl two years ago. They are very active in their church and happy as can be. She talked to the brother of the guy she was married to and found out he had spent time in prison and is still in and out of trouble. She is just so thankful that she finally got free of him. I hope you can find happiness too!
Take care
Tandy, you said it girl. I think she does need to join a support goup also. Online, only goes so far. It is possible she can make friends who are going through the same thing and maybe form a little "net" of support around her. How is your daughter doing now? I was in the same situation as both of them. My husband was self employed and made fairly good money at the time. He could afford both but it still didn't matter. the mood swings were horrible and I went through a lot of what scared is going through. We did end up divorced and he did talk his way back. he has been drug free of crack anyway for about almost 2 years. still has horrible mood swings and we fight constantly so it isn't any better. I am working on moving out or else moving him out one. It is not an easy thing to do. Good luck to scared and your daughter. Drugs are the devil.....they destroy marriages, families and the lives of innocent children. I hate them.

scaredoftruth
03-25-2011, 12:11 AM
Well I've been having a real horrible week...I've tried to stay away and because I refuse to let him use and abuse me. Now with the threats we go....I'm tired of this already I don't know what. To do anymore ...I want out so bad. I've seen with my own eyes how horrible and monstrous he can b. How dare he threaten me and b OK with it because I no longer want to enable him from anything especially hurt me and my children. I called the the domestic violence advocate and was given the steps to do what I have to go her him away from me and my kids. I'm so speechless on how low o e van get because he was faced with the truth and was confronted with it and how now he's realized I will no longer b there that he's able to risk my children and my happiness and make sure he destroy us....i hate him! Why is he doing this to us? Please make me understand
..why is God punishing me or why is he letting all this happen? I was given a # to sign up for a suppurt group and will b going to court to do the necessary steps I have to do. Why can't he just leave me and my children alone? He wanted to live his life so why Continue to torture me...he Even got an apartment with his sister near me? Why!!!!and now is demanding I give him our daughter on saturday and because I mentioned he needed to get her thing's because I can't afford to supply him with my things he got upset and was saying real Ugly things to me and threatened me! I can't and wont anymore! Just why?! I need answers....I news this to stop! Please....I trying to now move on and not b
there and care for him because I need to b there for me and my children and now he turns on me immediately like this! All this because I have confronted him and will nolonger let him make me feel inferior and refuse to enable the situation in Any which way form

oxygirl
03-25-2011, 07:23 AM
YOU GO GIRL!!! Now you are mad. This is the best condition for you to be in. Honestly, you went from feeling sorry for him and not wanting to be without him to finally getting on with life. This is where it is going to get a little tricky because before he was used to knowing that not matter what he did that you would always be there for him. Get you a witness to go with you to court to testify to his chronic drug abuse and he will only get supervised visitation with the daughter and they will make him pay child support or he will go to jail and he will not pass go or get a get out of jail free card. You need to write some of the things down to read to the judge as emotions get real elevated in court and you might forget what to say. Remind the court at the time that he "chose" drugs over his family and you do not feel comfortable with your child around them. Honestly, crack is one of the most dangerous drugs of all. I have seen people sell their own children into prostitution to get the drug "I am not trying to scare you" I was scared to leave my husband until my kids got older and I really regret it as it took from their childhood bigtime. I blamed God also. However, I have come to learn that God lets us freely choose our lives and who we choose to spend them with. You just have to pray for strength as when one door closes another will open. You will see. Just hang in there and do not let him have your daughter. Are u still married to this guy? What kind of arrangement did you come to if you are divorced. It should all be mapped out in the divorce. You might have to take it back to court over the visitation thing. Crack is nothing for a child to be around or is an Aunt that is a drunk. When everyone is passed out doing their thing or whatever, an unsupervised child could get hurt or killed. Also, remind him that the court will make him take a drug test and he will have to pay for all of this. Tell him to leave well enough alone and if he decides to sober up only then will u consider letting him see her. Don't be afraid of him. My ex was abusive for years and then finally one time I had taken all I could and I left him in jail. His mama finally got him out after 41 days but by then I had already filed for divorce and trust me the judge was completely on my side. Unfortunately, he is still in my life. He is living with me and goes back and forth on being good to being horrible. The crack is no longer an issue. Imagine that. He waited till the marriage was ruined and then gave it up. He is the type of person u gotta show you mean business to. He is still doing some other drugs but they are not nearly as bad. Even though to me anything is. I am currently trying to get him out of my house but it isn't easy as now his health is bad and I feel "sorry" for him. Not sorry enough because I am wanting my own life now before I get any older. I am 42 and have chronic arthritis but I still feel good enough to have a life! lol.... I don't look horrible, not that I am a beauty but I still do get flirted with and am starting to look back. I am a young 42. I still enjoy life and don't act like an old woman. I just like to have fun with my kids and enjoy simple things. Don't start to feel sorry for him or you will be like me. I let a lot of years get away from me because of this. Don't make my mistake. God has carried me through. I know we think that if we pray it automatically goes away but it takes a while to get into it and it takes a while to get out. There have been many times when I know that God actively stepped in and saved me. It is easy to ask "why not fix it God"? Honestly I don't have that answer. I think we are tested and I think we become who we are because of things that happen in our life. I will check back in on you. Don't back down. Stand your ground girl. He will say he is going to change but you know deep down that he isn't and if he does it is temporary. I am not saying he never will, but do you want to waste any more of your life or your kids' life waiting on this loser? Pray for guidance. I am praying for you. One day if I ever get to feeling better I am going to donate my time working with women in abusive relationships. It is starting to become a passion of mine. I wish I were rich I would build a huge place for them to go. Even for the ones that go back to their abusers to have a little time for a safe rest. Because one day they will figure out it isn't worth it. Hopefully it is before it is too late. Good luck to you honey and God Bless u and your children. BE STRONG for your kids. They only have you to protect them. Forgive me this exceptionally long post! ttyl....

scaredoftruth
03-25-2011, 07:16 PM
Hey I really feel we have a lot in common...(oxygirl). Thanks so much. It really means a lot to me....today was a tough day for me! Well I guess everyday is....but I had to go to court and file a restraining order against him because of his horrible threats. They are so ugly that it will hurt my children.....he's told me over time that if he were to ever need to make up something so ugly he would just to get social services involved so they can take my kids away he would! And just that! His threats just started! All night he was telling me things to really get me nervous and worked up! But towards the end of the night he apologized and said he just said those things because he doesnt want to be reminded of who he is.....all because I told him he needed serious rehab not just church because he is using crack coccaine! And with just that made him so angry he flipped on me....and with the threats and manipulations we go! I had to hire a divorce laywer to help me with the divorce and my children. I don't know if I can handle anymore he's throwing at me...he's really doing a number! And he just doesn't realize that he's not just hurting me and my other two children he's also hurting our baby! My kids are so attached to me and I to them......I can't see myself without them. I'm really trying to be sane but it's hard that now I have to worry on what he's capable of doing to me! Again why me!!? I ask myself this every second of the day.....I started seeing a counselor just the other day...so he can help me think clearer because this monster had me a prisoner! But for the last week I've put my foot down with him.....and have been trying so hard to shrug him off my shoulder. But then look what he now what's to do to me! Every time I have the mind set to move on and stop letting him control me and intimidate me.....he starts testing me all crazy things and threats! Why is he doing this to me? All I have been is to him was a wife...and love and cared! So I thought! All along I was his puppet and was tremendously afraid of his threats over time...that I was afraid to makes these steps to leave him really for good because he had control in me over my children because he knew I'm weak for them. So I never left him! And now that he sees that I'm drifting away....he's angry! And tries to wheel me in all over agin.....I can't let him anymore. I did the restraining order today early...he must of already been served! I'm afraid! Afraid of the consequences....of the outcome! Because of all his words over time. The jugde wasn't going to grant me the order because there's no physical harm....and I broke down and cried and told them that to please hear my cries because I too can be victim of "what"! I don't know because he is in a different state of mind and I just don't know what his words mean to that extent! I feared his threats and his words.....I went on! And I got awarded my order! I don't know what's he's thinking in doing....he's said so many things over time that Im just afraid! Especially when u always have to fear what could happen today.....I wake up and go to bed thinking just that! I get scared every time my phone rings or beeps for a text.....because usually it's him, trying to start something. God I really need your help! For the sake of my children and I....my babies need me to be strong! Please give me that strength because sometimes I reall feel weak. I was married before and I went thru real bad physical abuse, cheating, and everything else with that! But not this........I feel as if this is much more tentramental. Verbal and emotional abuse is worse in my eyes ( well all abuse is bad) but when it stays in your heart forever u know that did a huge number on u. And this I will never forgive or forget! Over time I have only been there holding on to my vows because that means a lot to me......I've been completely faithful. To my family and him.....I've tried to help him in so may ways even as simple as he going back to school to get his GED and not even that he could finish. I tutored him....nothing! But in the end.....everything is always my fault! And I just couldn't take it anymore......he was the opposite of my morals and responsibilities and having someone so inconsistent was affecting me so much. Bt again I held on because for a long time I was in denial of the truth of it all....afraid of his threats and the outcome. I can only imagine what he has up his sleeve now.....because I know he thought I would've never made that extra step to do an order to stop him from controlling me and hurting me and my children. Let along when he finds out his secret is not a secret anymore and I hired a lawyer because I cannot let him get away with any of this this monster needs to learn one way or the other u don't hurt those close to u and with that no one at all. And he needs to realize that sooner or later he needed to face his problem....because it's the devils candy! And he definitely fell real hard and now with the devils help he's trying to wheel everyone else in! I know I did the right thing but putting my children thru a battle that doesn't even have to happen...hurts me completely. As a mother I should only b the one to take all the burden for my babies....not my kids for my mistakes. I'm very heart broken. Please make it stop so I can b able to move on with my life with and for my babies......I wanna get them a new place and b able to start a new job. Not even that I can focus on because for three years he's taken over me.....I'm so mad at myself for letting this happen. Believing and hoping that things would change for the better.....instead look at all this now. I really know I did right by making the steps I did.....but I'm afraid.

oxygirl
03-25-2011, 11:16 PM
Listen to me Scared, make sure you have a clean house, food for the kids and can pass a drug test. He absolutely can't do anything with social services. Those are the things they look for. I know because I have known several people on both sides of the fence. I had a good friend who worked for CPS and the horror stories she told me would make your blood run cold. They are not going to do anything to you no matter what crap he says. You have already taken the first step with the restraining order. Keep your papers on you at all times. This is something u have to do for your children. I understand abusive relationships and I am going to tell you this, it is easy to walk out of one and right back into another. If you ever date again, you have to break this trend. Look for a kind, gentle man. You are doing the right thing. Get your divorce and keep him from that baby. He will ruin your lives. Once he knows u are serious, he will move on to his next victim. Of course he is going to try to hold on to you. You are his whoopin boy! He can take out all his frustrations on you and then turn around and expect you to have a good home waiting on him when he gets ready to come back. Drugs are evil. They are like a demon and you cannot fight them. He has to want to do that. You can not do it for him. I am telling u, get on with your life while u have some left to live. If he starts to physically threaten you, try to get an order of protection. Save all the texts messages and things and phone messages. If he violates the restraining order, he can go to jail. The more he gets locked up the more his credibility is going to go down the drain in the eyes of the court. This is what helped me with my divorce case. By the way, is the other exhusband still in the lives of your children. Just curious as to how u got out of that marriage. Yes we do have a lot in common. I am glad to have met you on here. Keep to your plan and don't let him steer you back on the wrong path. He is not going to change.

scaredoftruth
03-26-2011, 01:21 PM
R u sure? They won't!? I can't believe he's putting me thru this! I just got a text from him asking if I knew why the police went to his house? I'm so paranoid...i called the police station and he's still not served! I know I did right...but he's has me so in control (now that I'm out of that box, he's had me in for so long), I don't know and fear what to expect from him. I know I don't need to worry...but that's how he has me to always think! It took all this for me to realize no matter what he's still gonna b a monster and he will never change! And I'm mad at myself for it..... What do u think he may b thinking? I believe that if he felt he didnt do damage he wouldn't just text me why the police r looking for him? Why me....because I believe he knows what he did and the extreme of it!!! Thank you so much for listening and helping! I actually look forward to this site because I feel I found a new friend! I am finally heard and someone cares to hear me out.....let alone help! It means a lot to me because I have been shut away for so long!

oxygirl
03-26-2011, 05:49 PM
Dear Scared, I am glad to be of any kind of help. Even though my own life is a mess. I just hate to see anyone go through what I have been through. I still feel like this idiot has some control over me and he really doesn't. I am seriously thinking of just leaving and filing bankruptcy and letting it all go just to get away. I think you should tell him that you are no longer going to talk to him. But be careful. Has he threatened you physically any? If he no longer lives with you then you have 3/4 of the battle won. I can't get mine to go. He knows I don't love him so why stay? Just tell him that you are getting on with your life and you want him out of it. Then make sure your doors are locked and you have 911 on speed dial. I don't trust any man. They tend to use their physical strength against women when it suits them. Not all men do. There are some good ones out there. Unfortunately, I haven't found any. But they are out there. I think women like us just tend to look in the wrong places. That is a pattern we have to break. I also had a previous relationship before my husband that was very similar. So I know it is a pattern we have to break. Take care and don't let him intimidate you. Just remember what I said. Clean house, clean kids, food in house and make sure u can also pass a drug test. he can't do sh#$. ttyl...

scaredoftruth
03-26-2011, 07:51 PM
Yes he's out of the house since January 3rd. I filed for divorce on February 9th process of doing my divorce classes....seeing a couseler because that's how messed up he has me! My kids are so much happier since I kicked him out! Even the baby....her vocabulary grew so much....shes only 1 yr and 9 months but she literally acts as if shes 4 yrs. Too funny! She started even using the potty! All since he left! I feel so much freer with mu children until now that all day he's been harassing me and calling.....he even stated on one of my texts that he is going to make my life miserable. See what I'm going thru....I had to call the dispatch police to escort me to my house! All because I am no longer feeding into him....so I let him think that! I don't answer to him and have been communicating with the police all day because he still hasn't been served. My house is more than clean...and my children have everything and then some! U can say I spoil them to a limit! Food...always! And my kids are healthy and well fed and very clean! I just hate what he's doing to me.....I don't want the kids to b affected by his crap and the torment he threatens to do to me! And for myself I don't drink, smoke nothing not even a cigerette and never have done any drugs unless they were subscribed to me by a doctor and even that I don't like to take. Today he texted me he is going to court to get custody of the baby....I feel short of breath! I know it's anxiet.....I've been getting slot of that lately....a lot! And he threatened to show up at my parents because I'm not answering to any of his texts and phone calls. This isn't fair at all!

oxygirl
03-26-2011, 09:09 PM
You sound more than squeaky clean! Courts do not take babies from mothers. Trust me on this. He isn't going to spend his money going to court because that is going to take away from his crack habit. He can say all that he wants but he won't do it. If he were that disciplined then he wouldn't be a crack head now would he? I would threaten to call his job if he caused any trouble. I would find weak spots of his and his sister's or whoevers and play that game right back with him. Trust me there is more than one way to skin a cat! If he wants to be dirty let him think you can to. Even if it is something you wouldn't do just don't let him know it. Don't be scared of him or bow down to him and save every one of those texts. Those will really really come in handy at court. especially in family court. He is full of crap and you are going to have to find his achilles heel and scare him back. Do you live with your parents? Do you have your own place. If he shows up call the law. Don't even consider letting him come in for one minute. He is such a jerk. I hate jerks. They try to intimidate women and they can't really fight a real man. If they had to fight a real man they would probably run!!!
keep in touch girl

scaredoftruth
03-27-2011, 06:06 AM
I have my own place, a fairly new car that's paid of in full. The only thing I lost and it was because of him was my credit.....but I'll get that back by next year. he works at a huge company that makes guns from scratch and it's a very respected company....so their rules in the company and expectations are very high from their employees. Te employees have to notify human resources with 24 hours of any incident whether a restraining order and it says they wouldn't guarantee that they would keep their job based on the incident. If they do not notify within 24 hours it's an automatic termination. I didn't want to go this far with him but he pushed me to do it! I'm not one to hurt anyone instead I always let it happen to me. But the threats and the control he had over me was enough. He has no money....nit enough anyway because he gave a lost 1000 to his sister to help with the deposit to move in and more than 2000 he spent on just a weekend doing his dirt. He's not good with saving money.....never had any. Only what he gets at his job and by Saturday night it's gone! I can only imagine what he'll do or say when he finds about the restringing order, that I hired a lawyer to get my divorce going smooth and to get full custody of our baby. Let alone he wouldn't even b able to claim her n taxes because I told the lawyer he would use that money to get high anyway...that he has never helped me financially with anything. That's one if the reasons I couldn't keep up with my credit. I hate this....all of this. But I wanted to help him and when he messed that's only when he looked for me...because of self pity! I really wanted to help him. I felt sorry for him...and I never wanted the baby to ever b disappointed in him because of his problem. But he kept pushing me away in a very mean way and hurting me, the threats and manipulations and control. Not once did he ever appreciate me...but was and is very easy for him to want to hurt me in any which way form. I just couldn't take him destroying me anymore.....hopefully with all this he will now have to face his truth. And Now as I type he continues to and me texts.....that he's asking me nicely! What about all the times he hurt me and I cried to him and pleaded to stop!!!! To stop being mean to me.....to stop hurting me!

sherrylynn859
03-27-2011, 06:22 AM
Run and run fast and far. I have been marriged for 27 years. I have walked in your shoes and I still do everyday. When I first met my husband I knew he smoked pot, but I never really knew what drugs where or pot til I met him and he assured me it was no big deal. Then it became such a normal everyday thing we actually has to put it in the weekly budget. 100. for groceries 100 for dope. Then the kids could not go anywhere with him, in case he wanted to smoke. Then it wasnt enough we became finacially devastated I learned he was doing coke, We were in bed one night and I was trying to get intimate with him and he pushed me away and said I don't love you nor do I want you then I learned the coke wasnt enough he was cooking it and doing crack, he left us because I didn't understand him. He lived in a beautiful apartment, the kids and I lived in the slums some days I could not send them to school because there was nothing for there lunches. I had given them corn flakes with water on them for breakfast its what we had. We had no heat I couldnt pay the bill, I had no vehicle. My mother in law would come and take me to the food bank. When the end of the month would come he would come back and profess his love and desire and need for me, then he would take my welfare cheque and leave. Everyone blamed me. Our children were little all the knew was that I throw daddy out. I called him one night and begged him to please come and bring us some groceries and he said no he was not coming out he did not have time. I stood out side and prayed and watched the heavens an hour later I seen his truck coming down the road Thank you God I said, he drove by and went to his friends house and never stopped. He eventually came home broke, addicted, going throw withdrawls and needed me. We filed for bankrupcy and rebuilt our lives, then he got hurt at work and the pills started tylenol 3 and pot. But really any pills he could get his hands on. I got sick and was given cough medicine I went to go take some and it was gone he had drank it to get a buzz. He didnt care that I was sick. Then the tylenol 3 werent enough and he started on oxycotin again we were financial devastated before I figured it out. He was not only taking them but sucking the time release coating off they call that the hill billy heroine. It is now 27 years marriged we have two children and even though I tried to protect them they both have substance abuse problems. We have survived pot, coke, tylenol 3, crack, oxycotin addiction but are we done NO he has started or so I suspect with coke again will we survive this probably not I have no energy left, mentally and physically I am done. The hydro is ready to be shut off, so is the gas I am gonna look for a second job. I want you to know that I have fought hard. I have flushed his drugs, I have thrown them out I have gone to his doctor and threatened to sue him if he gave him anymore. I have planted cameras in our house and bedroom to find his hiding spots. I have been a pain in his side, but to no avail he will always pick drugs over me any day. He admitted the other night we have never had sex when he hasnt been stoned. Not that we have sex anymore his drug abuse as ended that part of our marriage. He can remember to go get pills to get high but not viagara. I went to my grandfathers funneral alone because he had coke to do. He is layed off and sleeps most of the day while I am at work, don't ask him to pick up a finger to help around here he has no time has to go see his friend everyday a fellow addict and drug dealer, but he does come home stoned when its supper time then has to smoke again at least once before he goes to bed. He will go all over the place with anyone but not me. He is ashamed of me because I don't fit in his world, and I am not like his friends. I think some where down the road love turned in to hate. So I want you to run and run fast because these shoes will hurt you more than anything. I can't tell you how many time I have been suicidal, but I would never want to put this burden on to my children. So please I beg you RUN

scaredoftruth
03-27-2011, 06:45 AM
This sounds exactly what I went thru sexually and. When it came to doing things with me
I was boring and not good enough! He has better he states. And lived in front of ******** sweeping off the feet of other women because I was never there for him. He claimed I hates his son from another women because I didn't put my children aside to only cater to his....he didn't want Mr to do for mu children only for him and his so. So I got acused of not liking his just because he wanted me to spend on them and no one else. I told him I couldn't because I had my own children to worry about and that hr needed to get a job to buy whatever fir himself and his son....I went thru so much. Like I said I have been Controlled and afraid for so long

oxygirl
03-27-2011, 03:13 PM
Let me ask yall something, was they mean as in physically mean to any of you? That is what I went through and eventually pushed me to get my divorce. We still can't get him gone and he is still intimidating. I know I am stupid but I am so down and out. I have no strength left to argue. I just go in my room and shut the door while he screams and rants and raves about stuff like an idiot. I know I have to be the one to take the first step and get him gone for good. It is just so hard.

scaredoftruth
03-27-2011, 08:28 PM
He has a few times....been physical! But his ordeal is much more verbal and emotional.....controlling! He's threatened me to go to social services tomorrow to make sure they take my children away and that he will go and say the most ugliest thing ever just to make sure it happens. I broke down today.....because all I have been doing is trying to step up to him and saying no more abuse in any which way form. I haven't answered to his texts and phone calls at all for 4 days now and he now what's to hurt me in any which way possible and it's thru my chidren....he claims he's going to get custody of our daughter when she is my baby and I would do anything for my kids. How dare he.....he's so wrapped up in his secret life that he doesn't realize he did tis to himself! He doesn't realize that now he lost everything or does he!? Sometimes I still think not because he's very coNfident he'll get custody of our baby and how he's gonna loose everything because of me! Again?! Not seeing he did all this danger to himself.....I tried to b his friend, wife, positive role model but he just kept drawing me and not caring at all the hurt I was experiencing. He turned against me so much that....I finally saw my life falling Apart for this man that doesn't give a crap other than for his job...because that supplies him. So then he follows with threats when if he didn't have money for food to eat or a ride to work I was there to help him.!!!!!! And now he's gonna do me that way....I had enough of his controlling and manipulating! I had to fight back....especially when now ur messing with my children! I stopped cold turkey for him and he's loosing control and he doesn't like it at all!

oxygirl
03-27-2011, 09:01 PM
he wants to play dirty tell him u will too. tell him you will take the restraining order to his boss and tell them he threatened to kill u with one of their guns! That will stop him in a minute! Don't back down from him. You have come this far!!!

scaredoftruth
03-28-2011, 12:24 AM
He's already upset that theirs zero tolerance for any type of abuse or trouble what's so ever! He now knows he will get terminated from there.....he'll b so furious even more so when he learns I hired an attorney and I have already mentioned to judge, lawyer, my counselor, the victims advocate....anyone of what type of accusations he willing to present because he's had threatened me with it over time. That's why I sticker it out for so long because of his threats and I didn't want to go thru anything he was willing to throw at me because I feared him and his words because I didnt know his extreme! !!!!! Now I do,....and this is all what I was afrAid to face all along!!!! And now i have to face t....because I can't handle what he is putting me thru anymore!

Norcoguy
03-28-2011, 04:48 AM
He still has your number and address? Take my advise and change both...im not kidding...In his mind "you are a traitor...His arch enemy now! you stole the kids and ruined the family and betrayed your vows", so couple that with a crack habit and you and maybe the kids to, are in extreme danger for the next few months at least.

sherrylynn859
03-28-2011, 04:36 PM
Yes there has been times when it has turned physical, but I gave back as good as he gave. When it was at this point and he became violent he was physically drained from the drugs and being up for hours doing them that when he would push or throw me around out of pure fear and anger I attacked right back and he got the worst of it the last time and has never pushed it that far since. Wrong I know but years of anger and hatred came out.

oxygirl
03-28-2011, 06:49 PM
I don't see a thing wrong with it Sherry. I mean if someone hits u then u should be able to hit them back. I am sick of all of it honestly. I am trying to taper myself off of pain meds but he is just a full fledged addict and when he isn't really doing anything like for the moment he is just an a$$hole. Mean and hateful talking to everyone. It is no way to live. I have been doing some really hard praying to God. I mean he says "ask and ye shall receive" well I have asked God to just let him leave peacefully without disrupting our lives any further and upsetting the kids. We are already divorced so that is out of the way. I have custody of the kids which is only one at this point as the oldest is almost 19 and the middle is almost 18. The littlest one is 13 and he wouldn't leave his mother for anything at this point. He knows how his dad is. I just need courage. I need it bad. So please pray for me also and I will pray for you and scared. As she needs courage also to keep on track. We probably should be posting this on the abuse board but it is sort of both, drugs and abuse. Ttyl.....