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jgs08
04-14-2011, 08:00 PM
Hi! I'm just here looking for support. I don't honestly know for sure what I'm dealing with, but if I don't get something figured out, my marriage just can't last. My husband, a firefighter, leaves home for 5 days at a time, then comes home for 4 days. We talk on the phone during those 5 days, and for the most part, he seems to maintain control. But when he comes home, the first day, he drives me crazy! I've always thought he's an alcoholic. He probably is. But he is very aware of that problem, and tries to control it; unfortunately, even when his drinking is under control, his actions aren't. If he even THINKS about drinking, he goes into this state of mind- he slurs his speech, tells stories (and exagerates everything) he HATES me, verbally abuses me, calls me fat and worthless and says we shouldn't be together and the fights are unimaginable. And he works non-stop. It's not generally very productive or effective, but he doesn't stop, he doesn't sleep, he just goes on and on and picks fights with me. The next day, he feels horrible, apologizes, sucks up, tells me he doesn't know why he does this to me, he can't live without me, then gets depressed. When we only get 4 days together, we just can't waste so much of it going through these horrible emotional cycles. So I got to thinking, maybe there's more to it than an alcohol problem. I guess I would appreciate anyone's input... I'm afraid, and don't know how, to approach him with the possibility that he could be bi-polar; I don't know how to ask him to try to get some help because I don't think he'll do it. He's a tough guy, even when it comes to his drinking, he thinks he can handle it on his own, mind over matter, he doesn't need help. So my questions are, 1) does this sound like bi-polar disorder, and 2) how do I talk to him to convince him to get help. Thanks.

katlin09
04-16-2011, 09:22 PM
Honestly this doesn't really sound like Bi-Polar. Bi-Polar is not something that can be controlled on a schedule, it's random, comes and goes. And i've never heard of anyone that could intimate the "actions" of drinking just by thinking of it, i.e. slurred speech,lies, stories, abusiveness, etc. I mean it's clear that there is something wrong with your husband and he definitely needs help, but you might want to start with a medical doc first. The fact that he can control this "whatever it is" and manifests it everytime he comes home, that just doesn't sound mental, or completely mental. Is he behaving correctly at work or is he behaving badly there too?

I'm sorry you're going through this, but it's definitely something that needs to be taken care of on his part, how long does he expect you to hang around while he's being so abusive?

Norcoguy
04-17-2011, 05:51 AM
Hi, Welcome...Are you using any drugs or alcohol?

oxygirl
04-17-2011, 12:48 PM
I just divorced a man a year ago like the one u described. I spent 22 years with him on the up and down roller coaster of drugs and occasional alcohol. I just couldn't take it anymore and the last time he hit me i had him thrown in jail and there he stayed for 41 days! I was upset but I was happier without him. He was physically abusive although that had calmed down in the last 5 years of the marriage but the verbal abuse was horrible. He called me every name he could think of in front of our children. I feel bad for letting them grow up like that. They turned out amazingly well so far despite it all. However, who knows what kind of emotional scars they may have on down the line with relationships.

If you have children I suggest u totally separate yourself from the issue and think about what is best for them. I obviously didn't and it is one of my life regrets. He was very verbally abusive to them also. I am still stuck with him because i made a bad decision to let him stay with me a couple weeks and it has been another year. We don't fight like we used to. He stayes in the front part of the house and I stay in the back. Good thing it is a big house. I am not happy with him though and I don't love him like I used to. I don't love him at all like a wife should a husband. You will get this way too if something don't change. I never thought I could stop loving him but boy I sure did. And it feels weird to look back at it now.

I am obviously not qualified to give advice. I am just telling you my experience with it. Your husband sounds like mine in so many ways. He may have something physical wrong with him in order to slur like that without alcohol or maybe he is on some sort of downer you don't know about in addition to the alcohol. I know one thing I am really stuck at the moment. You would be surprised how much stress it takes off of you not walking on eggshells in order to keep the bomb from going off. It is no way to live life. If he won't get the help he needs then it is up to you to decide if it is worth having to live this way. I can't say much cause mine is back. however, he knows better now than to try some of the stuff i used to let him get by with. but that doesn't make it any better because the love is long gone.

Good luck in whatever u decide. My prayers are with you.

katlin09
04-17-2011, 01:19 PM
I divorced mine after 22 years also, he was an alcoholic and verbally and physicaly abusive. Never to our 2 children, only me, he saved it all for me. He also cheated on me 3 times during our marriage that I know of. And like an idiot I just kept forgiving him and letting him stay and taking his crap. Now he's living with his girlfriend who he moved in with 7 months after we were seperated and he's all perfectly happy, treats her like a freaking princess. And what kills me the most is they have my 12 yr old son, supposedly we have joint custody, but they fill my sons head with so much negative crap about me half the time he doesn't want to come visit. So even though I'm happier than I've been in many many years, because this total jerk is out of my life, he's still winning in some ways, like having my son most of the time.

katlin09
04-17-2011, 01:21 PM
I am obviously not qualified to give advice. I am just telling you my experience with it. Your husband sounds like mine in so many ways. He may have something physical wrong with him in order to slur like that without alcohol or maybe he is on some sort of downer you don't know about in addition to the alcohol. I know one thing I am really stuck at the moment. You would be surprised how much stress it takes off of you not walking on eggshells in order to keep the bomb from going off. It is no way to live life. If he won't get the help he needs then it is up to you to decide if it is worth having to live this way. I can't say much cause mine is back. however, he knows better now than to try some of the stuff i used to let him get by with. but that doesn't make it any better because the love is long gone.

Good luck in whatever u decide. My prayers are with you.

I'm sorry but I have to ask, why did you let your ex come back and why do you let him stay? I just couldn't imagine letting the monster I married back in my home.....

oxygirl
04-17-2011, 08:46 PM
I'm sorry but I have to ask, why did you let your ex come back and why do you let him stay? I just couldn't imagine letting the monster I married back in my home.....

It's ok Katlin, he weaseled his way in here. He said he needed a place to stay and he had been acting real nice and the kids begged me and now we all regret it. He isn't so bad lately, and is definitely better than he was before but I just don't feel the same way about him. It is kind of sad actually because I feel so frustrated and guilty if you can believe that. He has nobody but us and he holds that over me all the time. He has only been with me since he was 22 and now he is 45 and I just did everything for him. He never knew how to to a check book or pay a bill or even make a phone call. He would work and do drugs and give me usually enough money to pay the bills however, he was also mean and I just got tired of it after all those years. It is a sad story really Katlin. Very sad. But u stay strong because life is too short.

free1day
04-18-2011, 08:09 AM
Hi! I'm just here looking for support. I don't honestly know for sure what I'm dealing with, but if I don't get something figured out, my marriage just can't last. My husband, a firefighter, leaves home for 5 days at a time, then comes home for 4 days. We talk on the phone during those 5 days, and for the most part, he seems to maintain control. But when he comes home, the first day, he drives me crazy! I've always thought he's an alcoholic. He probably is. But he is very aware of that problem, and tries to control it; unfortunately, even when his drinking is under control, his actions aren't. If he even THINKS about drinking, he goes into this state of mind- he slurs his speech, tells stories (and exagerates everything) he HATES me, verbally abuses me, calls me fat and worthless and says we shouldn't be together and the fights are unimaginable. And he works non-stop. It's not generally very productive or effective, but he doesn't stop, he doesn't sleep, he just goes on and on and picks fights with me. The next day, he feels horrible, apologizes, sucks up, tells me he doesn't know why he does this to me, he can't live without me, then gets depressed. When we only get 4 days together, we just can't waste so much of it going through these horrible emotional cycles. So I got to thinking, maybe there's more to it than an alcohol problem. I guess I would appreciate anyone's input... I'm afraid, and don't know how, to approach him with the possibility that he could be bi-polar; I don't know how to ask him to try to get some help because I don't think he'll do it. He's a tough guy, even when it comes to his drinking, he thinks he can handle it on his own, mind over matter, he doesn't need help. So my questions are, 1) does this sound like bi-polar disorder, and 2) how do I talk to him to convince him to get help. Thanks.


Hello,

I only read your post and not the responses.....Girl! What are we doing? I live your life...it has to be the alchohol........guess what i got this morning after WWIII last night? A sign at the end of the street saying I love you....big flip! I am lost like you but my only problem is I am recovering myself and his behavior does not help........I say we run girl...lets pack up the kids and goooooo! I dont mean to make light of our situations but I guess maybe it is more common then we know......

I think at some point we have to choose to stay or leave......I am thinking about the latter....13 years enough!

Peace,
K

free1day
04-18-2011, 09:37 AM
It's ok Katlin, he weaseled his way in here. He said he needed a place to stay and he had been acting real nice and the kids begged me and now we all regret it. He isn't so bad lately, and is definitely better than he was before but I just don't feel the same way about him. It is kind of sad actually because I feel so frustrated and guilty if you can believe that. He has nobody but us and he holds that over me all the time. He has only been with me since he was 22 and now he is 45 and I just did everything for him. He never knew how to to a check book or pay a bill or even make a phone call. He would work and do drugs and give me usually enough money to pay the bills however, he was also mean and I just got tired of it after all those years. It is a sad story really Katlin. Very sad. But u stay strong because life is too short.

OG,,

say it aint so? THat is what he is trying to do....blah blah I m from CAlifornia..i dont have family here.....when he moved here he found me...ugh! GUILT TRIP! Poor him..he cant tie his shoes...he cant get it up...oh you poor thing...lol saves me plenty of times....oh hail! beer impotance!

Yup the love is gone fooooo sure!

My son asks me this morning..."Mom, why did Dad, ask me not to tell you how much he drank yesterday?" YEAH! we all know why!

He will work on the kids next..i See it coming...

Thats why they say ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR! and my hubby knows the art of war! but I knnow LOVE will PREVAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh God! did I just get mushy? sap!



Kaitlin,

you suffer physically like OG and I......we are in a pit of pain and dispear.....Hang in there....I might man bash cuz I am angry. I just lost my soulmate and he wants me gone! ugh! so I am still dealing...I didnt think getting rid of Oxycodone meant I had to sacrifice my marriage and family...I thought poeple didnt want others using? I guess not...he likes me looped...sicko!

Hey, since OG said it and I was scared too, but your love sounds like he is taking something harder....maybe opiates! girl! I have been so looped that I video taped myself....crazy charle sheen stuff LOL....you just dont know messed up and you still function like a vombie with emotional and no control....oxys and alcohol are a big no no no no....just a thought.....

possible bi polar/other impairment due to damage on brain from alcohol....my dad is an alcoholic they did an mri for cancer and found some bad stuff and corrilated it back to drinking....doc said acohol caused same damage as heroin...idk this was years ago when they thought you could get aids by sneezeing...catch my drift?

I love your name <wink> My daughters name is Kaitlynn...just spelled differently

Peace,
Kim

rosequartz
04-18-2011, 09:43 AM
sound bi-polar to me....either that or BPD, borderline personality disorder.
i'd look them up and see if any of the other criteria fit.....

kdel
04-18-2011, 10:40 AM
Hi - what do you mean he leaves for 5 days? For work or he just leaves and you don't know where he is? If he just leaves and/or he is slurring his speach even when you know he hasn't been drinking then I would strongly suspect some other drug is being used. I doubt he will tell you if you just come out and ask him - also may be dangerous for you to do that but you may want to check around the house, his car etc. for any signs of drugs or paraphernalia.
Best of luck to you.

dovecottage
04-18-2011, 06:27 PM
He is torturing his new girlfriend but in a different way. get your son back u have half custody?? yes?... be well ....dove

dovecottage
04-18-2011, 06:45 PM
do you thinnk he is taking something? pills etc.??

Norcoguy
04-18-2011, 07:14 PM
Im gonna get hammered for this, all girl thread here...but is it always the guys here who are monsters? after reading your post again i see that he does appoligize and pleads with you to forgive him, Do you need to lose weight? that is the most important thing for a guy...a girl can be butt ugly and have a smoking bod and life is still good.
When me and my wife get on the downs she applys the make up, dresses up, goes tanning a couple times, becomes my girlfriend, and reminds me that she is hot, puts me in my place pretty quik, you wives are a reflection of us. I wouldnt be hasty to huck a marriage over this.

katlin09
04-18-2011, 07:50 PM
Norcoguy,

Are you seriously saying that a woman should stay with an alcoholic abusive man and it's her fault he's like that because she's overweight or doesn't dress up enough or put enough makeup on????? Please tell me that you meant that post some other way than the way it sounds.

dovecottage
04-18-2011, 08:33 PM
ok i read it all you are like thelma louse. i am 4 days sober and just love ur personalities. i am teaching in NYC this is my 20th year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yipppeeee ya hoooeeeee i got my doctorate degree about 12 years ago in psychology from nyu and have my own practice. i had a bad car accident that lead to multple surgeries , which lead to lots of medsmm which easily lead to addiction see hoew easy was that,, it happens all the time. i will not take any narcs and i am thinking of that pump they can implant. tell me more when u can...dove why are u with men u dont like?

dovecottage
04-18-2011, 08:44 PM
eeewwwhhhhh r u for real yuk

katlin09
04-18-2011, 08:47 PM
Actually when I originally answered this post it was on the BiPolar board, where I was, because I have bipolar. Then it got moved over here to the addictions board. I don't have any addictions, am actually allergic to alcohol and have never had any, can't even drink OTC cough syrup that has alcohol in it. I divorced my loser alcoholic husband a year and a half ago and he's with his 300lb, wierdo girlfriend, which is fine with me. I'd been with my ex since we were 16, and the day my divorce papers were signed was the happiest day of my life. That's how I got into this discussion, I just followed it over here.

Kat

Norcoguy
04-18-2011, 09:46 PM
Norcoguy,

Are you seriously saying that a woman should stay with an alcoholic abusive man and it's her fault he's like that because she's overweight or doesn't dress up enough or put enough makeup on????? Please tell me that you meant that post some other way than the way it sounds.

Should my wife stay with me...Beings im a pill addict? Gee i hope so, i need all the help i can get...I am just amazed reading these posts like this where people are so ready to huck a marriage, Its just not biblical, What constitutes abuse cussing at each other? Tell me a marriage where that hasnt happend.
Look i admit i shouldve kept my mouth shut, i wont get involved on a thread like this again, and i dont wanna dumb it down with anyone.

dovecottage
04-18-2011, 10:22 PM
i stayed and happily i was a crack addict attending nyu getting my doctoate degree if i did nt stop i was out of the house w/ no money nothing i stopped forever my brain was sore i lost memory but finished my degree with the knowledge i could have stayed an addict. my friend said hey instead of snorting coke lets smoke it? yeah nice its called crack my freind

dovecottage
04-18-2011, 10:27 PM
the people we meet here are like shopping in a grocery store the aisle is clean and wide the can are all shiny but all dented some get taken away and some get left on the shelf. thats how life is.dove

oxygirl
04-19-2011, 01:33 AM
run norcoguy. fast as u can! lol.... just kidding. sometimes it is constructive to disagree but as long as we all agree that we each have the right to disagree if we choose. Norco, you can talk about drugs, abuse, the president, viagra, breast implants, who is a [email protected]# or anything u wanna talk about on here but never ever ever........say a thing about a woman's weight!

Just trying to make light of the situation and just a little fyi....i also agree about saving a marriage if at all possible and i tried to save mine i really really did, but after 20 years of things going from bad to the absolute worse with hardly no breathing room in between I just couldn't take anymore. and even though i am not "in love" with him anymore, I am still civilized to him and he to me somewhat. After the divorce he definitely altered the physical violence and curbed the drug useage somewhat. I would like to think that I may have done him some sort of favor as he may have overdosed had I kept letting him do it like he was. I don't know. I do know one thing and that is I want me and my kids to live in a peaceful household and not one where they are watching dad throw plates and remote controls at mama because it is considered a normal occurence.

and Norcoguy sometimes it takes a little reminding by us ladies for u men to see we are still awesome. I think we get too comfortable in routines and don't take the time out for the romance and the chemistry like we did at first. :-)

free1day
04-19-2011, 08:18 AM
Ohhhhhhh shoot! I try to work on my marriage for 6 hours and this thread turns upside down.....

Narco ....dude seriously? Most of us hotties are disabled...they vowed for better or worse...not the fact that I glam up and drop it low.... im lucky if I can touch my thighs with all the implants ...and you want to pole dance? What ya smoking on Boy?

Hey it wasn't in my vows to wear makeup......love ya narco ...thanks for your horney input...lol

K

oxygirl
04-19-2011, 01:53 PM
I honestly think he meant well. just worded some things wrong. and we gotta give him a break, he is in the middle of an all female thread. and who are we kidding ladies, i used to work in a nursing home and one time an old 80 year old man told me he just wanted to have some booty one last time. problem was he couldn't even move he was in such bad shape from strokes. why is sex so important to men? i mean sure it is important but you would think at 80 and half dead you might have a better wish than that? lol

I guess we can't hold it against them for it is their nature to like to look at sexy women and to want their woman sexy. But u are right RSD about the marriage vows it is for better or worse, sickness and health. and somedays we don't care if we are in our nightgowns for the 3rd day in a row. at least we did manage a shower! and who cares, we don't have anywhere to go anyways and if we did we couldn't stay for long or sit anywhere for any amount of time. it is depressing at times but what else can we do?

free1day
04-19-2011, 02:08 PM
awwww Come Back Narco....we want you to give it to us...we need a mans opinion......i am glad you had the cashews to post.......

Thanks OG....stay away from the yoo hoo!


K

katlin09
04-19-2011, 08:28 PM
Should my wife stay with me...Beings im a pill addict? Gee i hope so, i need all the help i can get...I am just amazed reading these posts like this where people are so ready to huck a marriage, Its just not biblical, What constitutes abuse cussing at each other? Tell me a marriage where that hasnt happend.
Look i admit i shouldve kept my mouth shut, i wont get involved on a thread like this again, and i dont wanna dumb it down with anyone.

Should your wife stay with you....thats a good question. Do you do anything to help yourself? Do you take any steps whatsoever to conquer your addiction? Nonbiblical huh...I'm a christian and I don't believe in divorce as a rule, which is why I STAYED with my husband for 22 years, even though he was an alcoholic, even though he had 3 different affairs with 3 different women, even after he gave me 5 black eyes, even after he almost made me miscarry my 2nd child because he beat me up so bad.....so yeah I stayed, and I tried. But there's only so much you can do. If a person isn't willing to admit their screwed up and they have a problem and they need help, then you can't help them, it's that simple. I stayed way past the time when I should have left; 22 yrs worth of hell.....Would I recommend to any woman that they stay with a man who has an addiction to drugs or alcohol, who is abusive, verbally or physically, who cheats, NO. It's not your wifes responsibility to get you better, it's your responsibility to get you better.

BB07
04-20-2011, 07:03 AM
norco guy

i think your wife is a SAINT-cherish and appreciate her