View Full Version : how to help my husband.

05-01-2012, 09:00 PM
Hello all my name is Heidi I'm a opiate addict, I've been clean now sense DEC. 22, 2011 with the help of methadone, I'm on the liquid shackles, this is the second time I've gone down this road. I've been dealing with this issue now off and on for 6 years, as of today I'm doing good. but now i need some help with my husband, please. also let me add I'm new to these boards. I'm 36 year old female from ct. OK my husband is an alcoholic and he will tell you this his self, he is not in denial. he drinks every night beer any where from 3 to 8 cans once in a while more, but only beer. I'm not a drinker, thank goodness. when i 1st got clean i was mad at him because he could sit on the couch every night getting buzzed and i could no longer, i was sick and tired of being dependent on pills,i was at the point i wasn't getting messed up on them i just needed them so i wouldn't get sick, so i could function period. so i was ******, i was jealous, it wasn't fair. now I'm just fed up with it. he's what i call a functional drunk. he doesn't get sloppy drunk, he just drinks and i know it's not good for him and it does effect our sex life, he now has a ED issue that he is under medical care for but bottom line the doctor says i'm sure his drinking habits my very well be the root of this issue. So we have talked about him quitting drinking maybe going to a 28 day detox, he seams willing while we talk about it but when push comes to shove I'm not sure if he would go. he's out of work right now he got laid off so he is collecting unemployment so in my eyes if he is gunna go this would be the time. but would he really need to go to a detox? i do know he gets very shakie early in the day before he starts to drink, he try's to hold off until 4pm, so i think in his eyes if he can do that then things are not that bad he is still in control. but I've done some reading about alcohol withdrawal and i know what it feels like to withdrawal off pain meds, I'm worried about him and his health, he also already has high blood pressure. so what would you do how should i be handling this issue any thought????? he is 38 and has been drinking like this for years when we were talking earlier today about him getting clean he says he can't remember the last time he went without having a drink a day...wow...scarey...i was using pills when we go together and got married he fell in love with me that way i know when i got clean i was afraid he wouldn't love the clean me, he told me that was silly, but he was afraid that when i got clean i would insist that he also get clean well i didn't at 1st but i guess you can say in a way that's what i am doing now. he says i fell in love with him this way so i should just leave this issue alone i told him i can't i love him too much to sit back and watch him slowly kill his self.i want to grow old with him and if he counties on this road that very well may not happen, so please help me help him, and I'm so sorry i have rambled on and on and on and on.........................:confused:

05-01-2012, 09:42 PM
It is one of the most difficult things, to feel helpless watching someone behave self-destructively. A terrific source of help to someone in your position would be Alanon. The members there are going through the same thing as you, and there is a lot of information about how to deal with an alcoholic family member. You cannot force him to stop drinking, but in the meantime, you can develop skills to keep yourself from being part of the problem. There are groups everywhere, and it is a great start.

05-07-2012, 06:50 PM
I agree with Seraph on the the Alanon meetings. Great Advice, I've been to a few for my husbands Opiate addiction. Great support, and very helpful.

05-08-2012, 04:35 AM
Thank you, sense i posted this info i was able to talk to a counselor where i attend for help with my pill addiction, i found a place close by to our home that does a 5 day detox my husband said he would do that, so I'm waiting on him to take the step and say OK when am i going or have you called and made an appointment. my counselor says it's not fair to me that he has put all the pressure on me to take the next step, if he doesn't do or ask for it his self it's his way of not taking responsibility...so that's where things stand now. i am going to look into Alon meeting in my area I'm not big on going to AA or Na but maybe this will be different i just know for me I'm a pill head recovering and i may not really care to hear people complain about the addict in there lives because i am also that addict. i'll keep you in the loop thanx again...Heidi

05-09-2012, 04:46 AM
First of all let me say that I am so sorry that you are in this position. Kind of eye opening eh? We as addicts did exactly what he's doing, to our own families. You should know first hand that he will not and cannot be helped until he wants it for himself. I have tried geting clean for my parents, my significant other, and even my own children. it never worked until i decided to do it for myself. Its weird but it almost seems easier since its something that i want rather than feeling like im only doing this because "whoever" wants me to.

Alanon is great at teaching people how to have relationships. Not only with an addict or alcoholic but with everyone in their life. I thinkl you should focus on you and doing whatever it takes to keep yourself clean. keep talking to your counselor and to other people that keep you clean. Once you have firm footing on where you stand, you are going to have to make some decisions. but for now, i wouldnt worry about that.

When and if you're husband gets help, is entirely up to him. try not to forghet that. Until then, keep us posted and best of luck to you!


05-09-2012, 10:23 AM
Hi Froglady

Congratulations n your own sobriety. That is a huge accomplishment and cause for feeling proud of your conviction to restore your life. Of course you want a sober husband to walk along with you.

Al-anon is, indeed, a great avenue for support for you. It will help you to learn how to protect yourself from his problem. As you are still early in your sobriety, you need to be protective of yourself to stay strong and grow in recovery.

One of the things you will learn about in Al-Anon is setting boundaries. I think one boundary I would set now is that Hubby take the step of a detox facility for the sake of the marriage. It is a big boundary and before setting it, make sure you are willing to follow through. Lay it on the line... his drinking is testing your sobriety and you are not willing to live in a atmosphere that is not a sober atmosphere. Decide what you are willing to accept for yourself in life. Take the steps that protect you, steps that help you move forward in recovery.

Setting strong boudaries is not a lack of loving our partners, but rather the path we need to take to help insure the relationship becomes healthy again. When we don't do this, the resentments will fester and grow and the relationship becomes doomed.

I will be hoping with you that Hubby decides the relationship is worth fighting for and find the strength to seek his own restoration of body and mind.

With all goos wishes

05-09-2012, 09:15 PM
Hey Froglady,

You've gotten some great advice from our fellow boardmembers. Your in a tough spot, but your doing great work, your strong and you can do this. It is normal to worry about our loved ones behaviour and their well being, but right now you have to worry about you getting YOU well. Sometimes we actually do have to be a little selfish and worry about ourselves.

You know what a battle this can be, you also know how much you want to win this time. Keep fighting girl, you can beat this. Your husband has to decide whats right for him when he's ready, don't let that hold you back.


05-10-2012, 04:26 PM
thank you all for your advice i know for myself it's easier to worry about other people then myself. so far so good. me and my hubby have talked this issue out to we are blue in the face I'm just finding it very hard to see him with a" buzz" and i can't live my life that way no longer it's my choice not to be messed up but i get so frustrated seeing him that way it's just not fare. I'm finding my self being distant from him because I'm angry seeing him this way, and for him to think it's OK. he says he doesn't feel it's OK but it's just who he is and that i fell in love with him this way so why now is it a problem. and it's because i am clean and no longer using so yes now i do have a problem with it, this is a little on the personal side but we have no sex life for one due to his issue with ed due to his heavy drinking but also i'm not turned on by smeeling beer on him or that dopey look he has in his eyes, it just doesn't do it for me, and i miss my husband i miss being close with him i miss wanting him to touch me but i'm so mad at him too this is slowly getting the best of me and i'm feeling stuck and i don't want to feel this way i love my husband but i hate his drinking. well he has come to me on his own and says i have 8 beers left when they are gone that's it i'm not buying anymore...hummm now i'm worried about him and withdraws what should i expect?????? it's now almost 7:30 pm he would by now have had 4 beers, he hasn't had 1, he's drinking a soda, unlike him. i'm not going to dare say anything but i'm aware of it. i'm letting him do his thing i want him to stop because he wants to not because i have asked or want him to. i want him to do it for the right reasons. so what should i except of him will he get sick, vomiting, shakes, painful cramps? crabby? what is normal what is not? when should i be concerned? i wanted him to do a 5 day inpatient detox, he was willing to but now he is saying no way, and that's the thing he sometimes will say something and then turn around and look at me like i have 3 heads and say he never said that...so any help or ideas or what to watch for i would greatly appreciate, thank you....Heidi

05-11-2012, 07:38 AM
It's a pity there isn't a 'methadone' for drinkers; I really pity the thought of anyone going through detox when there is a substitute to help you minimise a physical withdrawal while you're desensitising from a long held habit and working out other, healthier ways of taking time out. My hubby just stopped drinking some six years ago; it sounds as though your man is coming to the same conclusion, and personally, I don't think you need to tell him to 'do' anything. You're being his mentor by being successful in taking steps to conquer your own habit, and I'm sure that alone is giving him enouragement an hope. My man does sometimes have a drink with his workmates (one in 3-6 months) but doesn't enjoy it the day after - I leave him too it, stay pleasant (laugh at him and tell him what a dufus he is) and remove myself; it's a very personal journey to sort. Alcohol can stay in your system for a while ie a binge drinker will drink on a Friday and probably still has alcohol in his system and won't start feeling withdrawals until the Tues when he starts planning the Friday's drinking session. He is obviously trying and you will also have a voyage ahead (it took me six years of very, very, slow decreases to come of methadone); the hard part is watching each other progress from a distance and draw on that motivation while being careful with demands on each other. You've both had a 'pacfier' to numb emotional pain, and it's hard to give up a dummy. I'm sure he knows that losing you is a possibility, the same as you grieve losing him when he's drunk. If you can read up about co-dependancy, it really helps (that 'if I can do this then you can do that' kind of relationship); we really have to push ourselves to look after ourselves fully and let those around us choose to join us or not - but, as mentioned, being a mentor is a wonderful start. And congrats on not saying anything, but I hope you were super sweet to him the day he didn't drink. Good luck.

05-13-2012, 01:51 PM
Hi Froglady
I just wanted to echo some of what the others have said. I am an alchoholic, and let me say he will not stop until he wants to. If he does stop for you he will be intolerable or miserable, but you will be happy. So just keep working on yourself you sound like you are doing well in your recovery. Stay strong!