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Geneva
09-21-2001, 01:25 PM
As many of you know I am married to a crack addict..I thought he had it beat this last time... 7 months clean and then a 6 to 8 hour binge this past Monday...I am attending my alanon meetings and trying to hold it together. He is 400 miles away at the moment and I won't see him for several more days...Not sure what I am going to do.. Christine you said your guy stayed with you for 5 years...He must have seen you relapse and relapse...You made it though...I want to be there for my husband IF he can make it..What are the odds? This is relapse 4... I am not young...I want to be with someone who can love me and be in the present not dreaming of getting his next high..I am ready for trips on this planet not in my head...
While I am ranting and raving let me ask...What goes on in a crack house? Is it loud? Social with talking and laughing? quiet? Are people high fiving and sharing a good time? hugging and loving? Dumb questions and I guess weird to most of you but I haven't got a clue. Husband is embarassed, doesn't want to talk about it and swears he will beat this thing. He has to give up his job as secretary of the NA meetings... I know he is trying..He doesn't want me to make him leave.. but when he is high he is already gone.
Well thanks for letting me share my confusion...
Serenity to all...
Geneva

Christine
09-21-2001, 10:50 PM
Geneva -

I am so sorry to hear your pain. Your husband is battling a horrible, insidious drug and the odds aren't the greatest. Look at Robert Downey Jr. - a perfect example of someone who makes the same mistake over and over full well knowing the consequences.

I have never been in a crack house. I used IV cocaine and I smoked it with my dealer, who was a friend of mine, at his house, or at my own house, or in my car - alone. I couldn't stand to be around other people when I was high - I got too paranoid. I like to isolate and be by myself.
I know some people who have been in crack houses - it is not an "upbeat" place from what I hear - all those there share one common interest - and that is gettng high. I do know that whatever you imagine is probably pretty far off base.

Geneva, I know you are doing all the right things, but you have to accept the fact that you WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND the compulsion a cocaine addict feels. thank God for that - I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Don't try to look at it as something to be analyzed and figured out - just take care of you.

In my relationship, my use was sporadic at first, and I don't think either of us considered it a major problem at first... please understand that I hid a LOT from my partner. My binges were few and far between, it wasn't until the last 2 years or so that they became frequent enough that he knew of to disrupt our lives.

I am sure that your husband is in a tremendous amount of pain right now as well. All he can do at this point is dust himself off, and climb back on the proverbial wagon again. He has lost your trust, and probably doesn't trust himself. He needs the support of his NA group and he needs to use it - he should go to meetings every day, and stay close to the clean and sober network. He needs to stay away from triggers and people who use. He needs to start working on what made him relapse and how to prevent it from happening again. You have in your favor the fact that he 1.) KNOWS he has a problem, and 2.) Really seems to want to stop. HOWEVER.... he must do this himself - you can't do it for him. It is not easy - in fact it was one of the hardest things I have ever done - you have to change everything about yourself.

Prior to this you spoke of his cravings. Well, unfortunately, they are what they are. You can't do anything about them but abstain. Believe me, I get them sometimes. It is awful, but most awful is all I would lose and I have a wonderful life and so much to be thankful for. The brief high I would get, followed by intense guilt and paranoia is NOT what I would want. It causes a chain reaction that is hard to stop. I really have to sometimes think it through like that.

If you choose to stay with your husband, my advice would be to encourage him with his meetings, but not nag. Be there for him when he needs to talk, but remember that he really needs other addicts to talk to - not you. Don't be upset by that - he needs that to get better. And most of all, don't even try to understand the way we think - if addicts were wired "normally", we wouldn't be who and what we are. The thing that always amazed me about my partner, is that he always had faith that I would make it. He never lost sight of it. I love him so much for that and I will never forget it.

Keep the faith.

Geneva
09-22-2001, 08:02 AM
Oh Christine thank you so much for answering.
How I wish I could give you a hug!!!
Your responses to everyone on this board are always so wonderfully thought out...
I know I am trying to understand something that is out of my ability...I need to focus on myself..Its just when you love someone your focus is often there...
Again thank you for writing... I often go back and reread what you have written to me and to others..
You are one special lady.
Geneva

The Rock
10-04-2001, 06:48 PM
do you really love him? did the vow you made say till death do us part...now i know thats stretching it in some cases but you have'nt said anything about physical abuse, or if you did i missed it....my point is that if you love him and you can see hes trying then let him know your there for him and love him...if you were to put him out it might cause him to go so far backwards that he would lose the fight forever. God bless you or any spouse who deals with this...you know He picks the strongest people to go thru the most trying times, so whenever you get knocked down just stand and brush yourself off and keep fighting because you will be rewarded in the end for your struggle.

jroeglin
10-05-2001, 09:23 AM
That was a great post. I have always thought that things happen for a reason, and maybe He does pick those of us who are strong. I don't know, but I like to think of it that way. My boyfriend helped me in ways that he doesn't even know about. Now it's my turn.

Geneva
10-05-2001, 08:08 PM
Yes Rock I do love him...Believe me if I didn't it would be so much easier! He is a wonderful man and
there has been no abuse, not even verbal.

He wants to quit and he is trying everything from NA to outpatient meetings... Its his nature to believe he can control everything so I am sure when he tried crack on a whim he honestly thought it was going to be just a little different than a beer.

The whole thing scares me as its illegal and dangerous... Its turned him into a liar...how can I trust him..He has relapsed now 5 times that I know of in 3 years....

I do take my vows VERY seriously and I am having trouble with the phrase "in sickness and in health"
Is he really sick? A disease ? or a condition that he brought on himself..anyone would become addicted to this stuff...its like jumping off a roof...everyone breaks their leg but somehow you think you won't...you jump ,it breaks, and now poor you have a broken leg.. WHY DID YOU JUMP?

He is in a world I do not understand...that's why my crazy questions...if he binges for 10 hours what does he do? It's not a party atmoshpere I guess...In the back of my mind I know I fear not only the drug but what it makes him do...of course I wonder if there is sex involved too..I have asked that question here before and got answers...He is trying to be as honest with me as he can but I know he doesn't want to freak me out..He wants to save our marriage but I cannot live with a drug addict...What about boundaries?

Anyway Alanon has saved my sanity...God will save my soul..And friends like you and others on this board have saved me hours of sleep!

Thanks
Geneva

The Rock
10-06-2001, 07:17 AM
Well in every situation there comes a time to ask yourself weahter or not your being taken advantage of...and i don't mean to sound totally opposite from my last post but after reading your last reply i could hear the obvious strain in your words. When i was in the Army i had a chance to see crack addiction first hand from several guys who had become my friends, when you mentioned if there was sex involved or not....from what i saw from these guys over a pretty long time was that all they wanted was the drug, no partying,girls,ect. Once they got it they would pretty much seclude themselves until they had finished it and then go looking for more and yes lieing was a very big part of it also because it involves such a state of denial for the user. Maybe you could try a test period to see just how serious he is about wanting to stop. Most addicts say they want to stop and part of that i'm sure is true because who would really want to live that life, but they also look for sympathetic loved ones to believe this because it covers thier shame. Maybe at some point if you see he's really not trying to stop then test his love for you and ask him to leave. Tell him you can't live like this any longer and that it's time for him to decide who he loves more..you or crack. Sometimes addicts need a dose of reality. Drug addiction is a disease but one that can be broken...thousands do it everyday, so can he but there has to be an honest want. There will come a time when you have to ask yourself if you want this life of lies, worries, and heartbreak,and let your life just sink with his or save yourself and have a good life for yourself.
And what i said about vows in the first post goes true for him also so if the time does ever come that you need to leave don't beat yourself up so bad about it, you deserve the same respect,love and commitment as anyone else. If he is really trying then by all means love him and help him but if he's just giving you false hope...then who can take that let down so many times? For your sake i hope he really is trying and that everything works out for the best for both of you.