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EV-90
09-07-2013, 07:18 PM
I am a young woman who has been in a relationship with the most amazing man I've ever met for 1.5 years. He treated me like an absolute princess, called me his guardian angel and I've never seen anyone so excited to see me as when I came to see him. His love for me was palpable and people said it gave them goosebumps to see. He promised to take care of me as long as I would let him. that was the good part of our relationship. When I first met him, he told me that he used to have an issue with painkillers. When I asked how bad it was, he told me he took it every couple of months. I came to realize pretty quickly that he was taking them recreationally, but did not think he was taking them all the time. Nevertheless, he was hiding them from me. I could not tell when he was on or off them and even when I knew he'd taken one (just once in this month, he'd say) he didn't seem to be on anything. Over time, he became quiet and withdrawn and I started to feel very lonely. I got very critical and often accused him or cheating simply because I felt that he was hiding something. He traveled a lot for work, and that added to our problems. Two weeks ago (approximately), he came home and told me that he had signed a contract to move home and that he didn't think it was going to work out. He told me he has a miserable soul and that he couldn't put me through this anymore, and that it would only get worse. He is going from living in NY independently and having an adult relationship to moving home with his mother (I told her of the problem with him and I think she told him to move home). He seemed very disconnected when he was saying all of this. In his letter to me (after the in person break up - I can't even write those words without getting cold sweats) he told me that I was better off without him and that he needed to set me from from his misery. It is true that he would never leave his apartment and I would just sit there with him - kind of like a babysitter. I was unhappy but I would've done it for the rest of my life how much I loved him. He told me he loves me and will always love me and that he would regret this for the rest of his life. It is as if he's living out some depressive fantasy. I was just wondering, could someone severely depressed/addicted to Percocet leave the love of his life simply because he couldn't handle taking care of me/wasn't ready to get married. Could it be because he knew we couldn't live together (he was looking for apartments for us) because of the addiction? He wasn't always like this, it was the last 4 months or so that got like this. And the most painful question, is there hope that he will wake up and realize that he needs to get healthy/win me back? Has anyone been through anything similar? Please help.

Robocat
09-07-2013, 07:31 PM
He has hit rock bottom. What he needs right now is love and support. If you want to be there for him that is your choice. How much do you love him? Are you willing to be there for him? Help him get the help he obviously needs? That man needs some rehabilitation, whether it be in/out patient, group, or a phone call. He might not answer at first, there might be some resistance, he might be ashamed, depressed, and having withdrawals. Reach out, he could probably use a few kind words and some love from you right now. It's probably the last thing he's expecting.

EV-90
09-07-2013, 07:55 PM
Robocat-

Thank you for your reply. I have been very much unable to talk to people about this and it is much less painful - albeit still painful - to write about. It is a very difficult position since he left me to try to reach out to him. A part of me obviously hates him for being capable of leaving. And at the same time I want to help him and to have the fairy tale ending we always seemed meant to have. He told me his intention was to marrying and now he's just gone. I am just very very sad and feel absolutely helpless.

Ev

Robocat
09-08-2013, 05:09 AM
He's probably feeling very low. As much as you hate him for leaving, keep in mind where his mindset is at. Drug addiction is no pretty thing. At some point he decided to get clean, his choice or not. Depression has obviously set in. He's making some sort of change. I suppose he felt you moving on, your happiness was more important? The mind of the depressed, they over think.

captjane
09-09-2013, 04:57 AM
I think for now you have to give him space and let him do what he feels he needs to. Addiction is a very powerful thing, but recovery in a way is a very solitary process, by that I mean no one else can really help that much, it takes a lot of soul searching and self discovery to conquer it and perhaps he felt he had a better chance by living in a different environment with his mother, away from a lot of triggers and his usual contacts.

Don't take this the wrong way, but as much as you want this fairytale relationship to work out, it's not what he needs right now, he needs to focus on getting off pills and making himself whole again. sacrificing and doing everything you can to make it work is also not what he needs, he doesn't need to be taken care of, or enabled in anyway, he doesn't need to have you sit with him. what he really needs and I suspect at this point wants, is to get clean and be a whole person again. That is what he needs to focus on, and if you truly truly love him, then you would rather lose him and see him get clean, than have him stay and continue with his addiction.

The things that he has said to you sound very much like he's ready to tackle this, and also that it has to be a priority over everything else, no matter what the cost. He may come back, he may decide it's best to live elsewhere, but the truth is, right now he can only love you through the haze, and when he gets clean his personality and perception may change a lot, so much that the two of you may not be that compatible anymore.

ps. addicts only get to this stage when addiction has started to take it's toll on them, and I think it's very unlikely he only used occasionally, that may be what he told you, but just the fact he is making these drastic changes to get clean is a sign his addiction is more serious than that.

cher62
11-18-2013, 10:03 AM
Hi EV-90,
I am in a similar situation to you. What has happened since your last post?:)

peko
01-05-2014, 12:00 PM
Exactly same thing happened to me last March. and still struggling. but it's good that he left NY. too many temptations. I hope you are doing well! I am in NY, too. We can encorage each other :)It's going to be a long process. I also can't talk about this with others so much.. because I know what they would tell me..

ZephyBoo
01-15-2014, 03:30 PM
wow... same here..
8 yr fiance abruptly kicked me out (no place to go) 3 months ago.
He is an alcoholic and occasional coke. He said he was "doin me a favor".
Recently I tried to see him at his house and get all my things out. He was a monster and said that he hasnt yelled like that in 3 months (my fault right?). All our things together such as pictures and stuff were put away in the basement w alll my things. My clothes were still in my dresser tho , and bathroom stuff still there.

I realized that he isnt ready to see me w respect yet, or even ready to see me yet.
3 weeks before he kicked me out, he hit me. First time in 8 yrs. And some friends say thats why he got rid of me, afraid of himself.

I just want to knw, do I wait? He once told me never to give up on him, and he loved that I was finally living w him. (i was only moved in for the last 6 weeks, we lived separate for 8 yrs due to my son's school). He also thanked me on occasion for putting up w him..

What the heck... Im not a big drinker altho I love to go out for a beer or two after work. and never drugs. I must be the fun police

ZephyBoo
01-15-2014, 03:32 PM
(((( hugs)))))

ZephyBoo
01-15-2014, 03:37 PM
... space is the key. I definitely agree.
Men need to go into their "caves". Unfortunately, sometimes we are left out with confusion. They sometimes never give us a clue, especially when its addiction that theyre fighting.

In my situation, his family sees it as: he is "happier" without me. They dont see the truth, they dont see him drinkin alone at home and angry and hating himself with guilt from other self issues. They just see the "happy" guy while he is out drinking n having a good time. His family tells him that he is better off without me, little do they know tho, that Im the most stable and positive thing in his life (besides his job thats with the family company). They have no clue.

I hope things work out with you. I will try to keep in touch w this thread.

I tried reaching out in November, no one responded. Thank you to all who try to help w advice. :)