View Full Version : My daughter returns home... what to do?

09-29-2013, 04:42 AM
I posted back in May about my 19 year old daughter announcing she was moving out with a boyfriend I never knew she had. She visited me once or twice a week over the summer for dinner.

Suddenly, she announced she wanted to move back home. Of course, I said yes, with rules. She comes home before 5am (I still never met the BF).

Well, the BF was FURIOUS she wasn't allowed to sleep over. He punched holes in his walls. She didn't come home one night. The rules had been broken. I packed her things and told her she had to leave. She cried and begged to let her stay. She told me how he'd get mad that she spent money on food. She left my home in May at 110 pounds. She returned at 92 pounds...skin and bones. She spewed all these terrible things about him. He told he'd break up with her if she couldn't sleep over. Texted horrible things to her. He hacked into her ******** account, looked at all her text messages, etc. She supposedly was done with him, said she couldn't believe what she'd done and allowed someone to treat her like that. I let her stay.

I found out she's back with him. I gave her an ultimatum. You stay with him, you get out of my house and leave me alone. I physically and emotionally cannot be a part of watching her destroy her life. She told him she had to break it off because she wasn't losing her family over him. My family will walk away from her as well.

The BF emailed me, to introduce himself to me (ha!), telling me how he is a good person and "single-handedly saved 4 peoples lives", how he "is a genius" and how my daughter will fall apart without him. He spewed a lengthy email about how lucky she is to have him and they are in love. This guy is a psycho.

My daughter cannot/will not acknowledge this guy is mentally unstable. I know all about the forbidden fruit. He will not leave her alone. There are hundreds of text messages thoughout the day. She came home this morning
after being at his house all night. She'd clearly been drinking. She said that I can't tell her who to date. I agreed. However, if she's dating this scum, she can move out of my house.

I know that if she wants to see him, she will. I acknowledge that. However, I told her that if I find out she is seeing him, she's out...and I mean it! This is not the same daughter I raised. This guy has her so brainwashed, it's scary. I don't know all that happened when she lived there. She won't tell me and I probably don't want to know. It must have been pretty bad.

I don't understand how she defends and tries to explain away this guys behavior. I want my daughter back most of all, but if she's going to stay with a guy like this, I want nothing to do with it. She's not going to destroy her life and mine in the process. I'm done! I'm her mother, not her friend. I don't care if she's angry and not talking to me. Now, it's MY way or the highway.

PS: None of her old friends like this guy either. They say he's weird. The BF doesn't like her hanging out with her friends either and won't try to get to know them. He wants 100% of attention 100% of the time. They, too, are afraid for her.

Your thoughts?

10-02-2013, 02:18 PM
I don't see this ending well :-( Is she aware this BF is an abuser and she could end up dead? I understand your dilemma, but you must let her know that she can come to a safe place. Please be careful yourself, because this guy sounds like a psycho for sure and you could be in danger as well! Sorry if I sound "over the top", but I've seen these situations before and it's scary. You might want to get some counseling and see if she'll go with you. Take care!

10-02-2013, 02:44 PM
please don't shut the door on your daughter, or even let her think that you will....she needs you more than ever.....
this guy is controlling her and it seems she is trying to break free, by moving back home, but she can't cut it off completely immediately. Be there for her, there will be a time when she really really needs you if she continues with this guy....

10-03-2013, 05:45 AM
Things have gotten worse in recent days. I have found out that he is a heroin addict and he is selling it. I have also found out more disturbing things that I will not post.

She will not leave him. I cannot live with her while she's with him. I am so upset every day that I cannot function at work. He tells her what to say to her therapist. The therapist knows what's going on, but only my daughter can make that decision. He gets new phones to call her, uses email to cell apps to get through to her. I block every number I find is him. I just can't do this anymore.

I know experts will probably say to let her stay with me. If I do that, I will surely have a stroke. My blood pressure medicine isn't even keeping my bp down. She is physically destroying me.

10-03-2013, 06:41 AM
that doesn't sound good......I hope your daughter isn't doing heroin also.
Heroin addicts either end up dead or in jail, so it should only be a matter of time before this guy is out of the picture, but I hope your daughter doesn't go down with him......please don't give up on her. Is there anyone else who could get thru to her? sisters, brothers, other friends or family? maybe an intervention is in order?

10-03-2013, 06:46 AM
My sister, whom she's always been very close with, has also been talking to her. Also, I have her seeing her therapist, who she has a very good relationship with. The therapist sees what's going on. You can lead a horse to water....

She has said she isn't using any drugs. I don't know if that's true or not. I can't believe a word she says anymore.

If I felt safe posting the rest of what I know, I would let you all know. I don't feel comfortable doing it at this time. It's about as bad as it gets.

I feel so cornered. I'm fighting for her life and I don't know what to do anymore. She acknowledges he is bad for her, but she keeps seeking his attention/approval/love.....whatever it is!

Please pray for us.

10-03-2013, 08:40 AM
Just heard back from her therapist. We're going to try to get her to sign herself into a mental health clinic. If she can get away from him and me pressuring her to get away from him, maybe they can work some magic. We're hoping to get her into an inpatient facility. Outpatient would do no good, he'd just get to her anyway.

Intellectually, she knows he's bad, but she can't let him be.

10-04-2013, 12:41 PM
I hope this works for her and you. Please keep us posted and we're here if you just need someone to talk to. Take care :angel: