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OCDamsel
10-30-2013, 05:08 PM
I wrote this as kind of a writing piece but then it ended up being an accurate description of what is constantly going through my head and it scares the crap out of me. Is this OCD? My therapist says yes, it is extreme OCD, but I just don't feel "right" ... Please read and let me know what you think I should do if this is in fact OCD or not!

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There was a time in my life, where while there wasn’t an absence of sadness, I felt overall happiness. After dealing with more life struggles than any 17 year old should have to, I had finally recovered from a deep, dark, place, and came back stronger than ever. I felt invincible.

For the following years, I was able to roll with the punches and go out and enjoy myself. I was able to travel and explore and feel and experience everything simple and beautiful the world has to offer. Everyone around me was so full of life and while everyone was young and confused, we didn’t care, and just wanted to have fun. We lived in the moment and enjoyed the uncertainty of our quickly escaping youth.

But suddenly, everything changed… I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, because I did, but I just assumed I would be able to brush it off and keep going like my usual happy-go-lucky self always does… I was stronger this time around. I could push through it, I could suck it up and keep going until life became bright again.

But this time, for some reason, I couldn’t. I can’t. It’s different.

Lately, I look around and I see how sad everyone really is… Friends tell me how they’re extremely depressed, they say “that’s how life is now that we’re getting old” and then pull away when I try to talk to them about it. Even though I’m extremely sad myself, I want to help them, I know what it’s like to lose a friend to depression and I couldn’t bear to ever have to deal with it again, but they just don’t seem to want to be helped… I look around and hear about people losing their jobs, not being able to find jobs, miserable stuck in jobs that they hate, sucking it up because they can’t afford school or rent or food… I watch the news and see stories of murder, theft, rape, and hear guns and mental illness taking the blame… And it makes me wonder if I’m just as “crazy” as society sees these people. I know mental illness is an extremely wide spectrum, but at what point does it become alarming? At what point are you considered insane and psychotic? Could that ever happen to me? Am I just like these people, are they just like me?

I can’t escape these questions and feeling of doom. They just keep coming and getting bigger and bigger…

What happened to the world feeling how it used to, when I was able to be optimistic and see the good? When I looked forward to the future and thought I had it all planned out? When I seemed to be just enjoying the ride? … Was I just oblivious? Did I shove the inner anxiety and sadness in a closet and shut the door for so long that now all of these terrifying feelings fell out on top of me and is simply too much for me to bear? Was I never as happy as I think I was? Will I never be able to be that happy again now that everything is different? Why am I even questioning everything right now?

People say the answer is to become comfortable with the uncertain, to learn acceptance, to make sure you add in time everyday for “play” whether it be exercise or art or relaxation.

But what if you don’t want that? What if all of the sadness consumes you and you have no desire to do anything that you once deemed “fun”? What if just thinking about doing any of that makes you want to curl up in a ball or throw yourself on the floor and have a temper tantrum and cry and then just sleep until you feel like your old self again?

And how can you even “accept” that? I know learning to accept things doesn’t mean you have to like them, but how can you tell yourself “it’s okay” that you feel this way when you feel like you’re just wasting away the best years of your life worrying and not feeling okay? How can you possibly accept that you feel the best years of your life have already passed you by?

I feel the need to keep digging for answers. That maybe eventually I’ll find the answer to why I feel like this and it will be my “aha!” moment. But what if the digging is what’s making it worse? What if I’m just digging myself into a deeper hole? … But if that’s the answer in itself, to stop digging, how can I possibly just throw away these worries and be okay with not having the answer to them when the questions are trying to solve the exact problem which is that I just don’t feel okay and like my old self? If I stopped digging, that would defeat the purpose, and just keep me in my misery. It’s like a question of which came first, the depression or the anxiety, and I can’t find the answer.

I’ve also heard that I need to stop looking for reassurance. That it’s just a compulsion that won’t solve anything. But I feel like I need someone to just 100% feel what I’m feeling and understand it in it’s entirely and give me the answers to all these questions I have in my brain… How can having the answers to these questions not solve everything?! I just don’t get it.

I feel trapped. I feel trapped in this endless cycle of torture and worrying and questioning and sadness. I remember how things used to be and the voice inside me wants to fix it and suck it up and move on with my life and go out and do the things I always used to do that made me happy. But I just can’t. It’s not that easy. I’m stuck and I don’t know why. Something just doesn’t feel right. I don’t know how to escape.

… Even after reading through all of this, I still feel like it doesn’t completely capture what I’m feeling and that no one will completely understand it and because of that, I worry that I’m a lost cause.

…………………………

Has anyone ever felt like this? I’m being told it’s obsessive compulsive disorder run wild with spurts of depression because “I can’t stop obsessing over my thoughts and feelings and what might be and feel that I need to know the answer to why I’m feeling what I’m feeling” … but when something inside me just doesn’t feel right, how can I not question it?! How can I just sit back and keep going feeling like something is seriously wrong inside?

TrainOfThought
10-31-2013, 10:54 AM
Hi, while reading your post, it kind of remind me of me. I also went thru a similar stage in my life. It seems that you are going thru a depressive episode. It is not strange to have depression and OCD at the same time. While I cannot answer your questions and probably your life wont be the same as it was you need to live your life from now on, it will be different but it doesn't mean that it will be good. Have in mind that you need to work over your depression, it could lead to more serious problems. Try living day by day, find a new meaning and embrace the future.Don't worry about the past, the past is done you cannot change it or re-live it.
Hope it helps