View Full Version : Support: Detaching from a heroin addict with love

12-02-2013, 08:46 AM
I am new to a message board, but I really need the support of family and friends of addicts, so here I go (and thank you for listening and providing advice).

I was in a very serious relationship with my live in ex-boyfriend who happened to be a heroin addict. I was under the impression when we met that he was in recovery and leading a drug-free life: he had a nice apartment in downtown Chicago, nice furniture, was working a program, going to therapy, looking for a new job, and seemed to be doing what was needed in recovery (but how would I know, I wasn't an addict?). However when he wasn't able to make rent, his wealthy parents would send his landlord checks in hopes he would pay them back—finally when his lease was up a few months later and my roommate decided she was going to move out, we decided “what the heck, let’s move in together so we can both save some money.” Things were OK for 6 months, until he wasn't involved in program anymore, I lost my job, then he lost his job and everything was on my shoulders because he was blowing all of his money on heroin. He lied, stole, lied, stole some more, even went as far as stealing my year-old car during a Chicago blizzard and getting into an accident (leaving me carless for over two months). It was at that time I decided I couldn't live like that anymore, and made the conscious decision to contact his parents and tell them he needed to go back to an inpatient rehab for the 3rd time.

His parents did the research for 3 days straight, while I sat anxiously waiting for them to tell me next steps. I started looking for a roommate, since I knew that was the only way I was going to get him out—is if he had nowhere else to go. No money. No home. No job. Nowhere to live. I finally found a roommate, his parents found a rehab facility away from home that would take him and his plane ticket was booked. The next few days I cried, and had to tell him… promised to stay by his side, he vowed to be a better mad and marry me when he came back and sent him on his way Florida.

The next several weeks before my new roommate moved in—I packed all of his things—from clothes to furniture (everything). I sat in awe, balling, crying, screaming, asking the Lord “Why this would happen to me? I am a good person with good morals. I came from a good, loving, caring family. My parents didn't raise me like this. Why in the world did this happen to me?” Weeks went on and I was completely devastated. I missed him and at times questioned if I made the right decisions, but I knew in the end if we were ever going to be together, get married and raise children that my ethics and morals didn't allow drugs and addiction of any kind to be in the picture. How could I raise my future children in that type of environment? I kept thinking of how innocent they are and how they have no voice. And God forbid he decided to relapse while taking them to school while they’re in the back seat and something happened? The worst case scenarios kept running through my head over and over again.

Fast forward to August—Matt and I broke up after the summer from hell. Matt was kicked out of rehab once for “fraternizing with women.” I am not even sure with that means, but he called me to tell me his counselors thought he might have a sex addiction, too. I was beyond hurt, confused and angry. Here I am a beautiful, mature, sweet, successful 28-year-old woman with the whole world going for her, waiting for him to make positive changes in his life and he is getting kicked out of rehab. I wanted to still believe he was a good person—so I visited him in Florida in the beginning of October. And what did I find? He had a girl texting him. I didn't say anything, but was thinking why are you already talking to someone. You've been in rehab since March, you just got into sober living in July, and you’re already trying to meet someone new. You don’t have a job, a car, money, you’re living in a sober home and you’re two words: heroin addict.

Then he was home for Thanksgiving and my friend saw that he was on a dating website, and pulled me aside and said “I wanted you to see this so you know he is nowhere close to be OK. He should be concentrating on sobriety.” I was so sad for him that I texted him a picture of his online dating profile and said “I like where your head’s at… on getting laid and not recovery. God bless you.”

I didn't expect any response and yesterday out of the blue, he texted me letting me know not to keep tabs on him, we will never get back together (or be anything) to move on, and he wants nothing to do with me. He also said he is going to put a restraining order on me and that I am sick and twisted. My last words were “put a restraining order on me. I am not arguing.” And his “were stop contacting me.” He had the last word.

So I finally had enough. I blocked him and his family from my ********, cell phone, email, etc. and decided he’s right, it’s time to move on. It’s not my job to save him. I will always love, care and want the best for Matt. And the hardest thing I am going to do is walk away from someone I love, but at the end of the day, I did everything I could to help him.

12-02-2013, 02:21 PM
You did more than I would have done.

Sometimes people can't beat their demons. I'm hoping your ex wisens up before it's too late for him.

Best of luck moving forward...

12-28-2013, 12:19 AM
Well, first of all... I'm sorry for what happened and what he did to you. He's not the guy for you. But I'm so proud of you with what you've done. Be happy always.