View Full Version : An outsider...understanding the alcoholic mind?

01-23-2014, 06:28 AM
Well I have never posted on a board like this, but I could use some insight on understanding an alcoholic mind because I'm at a loss for what has happened in this situation! I'll try to keep it short...

A life long friend of mine is a recovering alcoholic. I knew him way before he started drinking, I myself am not a drinker at all. He's definitely had a hard way to go (who in this world hasn't!). He's an extremely complicated man with a past. We started hanging out more this summer and agreed that we were just friends, it wasn't a relationship. I was the one who brought it up! But then I felt like I was getting mixed signals from him, but I just tried to roll with it. If it's going to happen, then it's going to happen. But then after about 2 months, it all changed. He told me he keeps his distance so people don't get hurt.

I have noticed a pattern this year: we spend a lot of time together -- he invites me everywhere with him, text messages me constantly, is very sweet and attentive and then he just backs off, almost like he disappears (but not literally), or he says it's because he feels I want too much out of the relationship.

Another pattern: he talks about how much he doesn't want a relationship and then some time later he's asking me advice about women.

And then -- the fight happened. He knows that I like him.
I feel like I walked into this situation, he wanted to see my reaction when I got jealous. So yes, I got jealous over someone else. But then the whole fight just turned ridiculous even after I apologized for my actions. The issue just wouldn't drop and I felt like everything I said was being twisted or it was just plain wrong because he was criticizing everything I said left and right and there was just no winning. Finally I got mad because I felt like he was just playing mind games with me to teach me some sort of lesson. He told me that the issue would go away with time? I don't stay mad long, I got over my hurt feelings and again, apologized. But he won't really talk to me. I seen him in person the other day and it was weird since he barely talked to me, I felt very unwelcome. But then before the day was over I got hug. But still won't reply to anything.

I don't understand. Did I do something to hurt HIS feelings that I'm not aware of? If I keep silent, I feel like he is going to think I am still mad or that I don't care. If I keep trying to talk to him, I feel like it will **** him off. I really miss my friend, even though he's crazy *just kidding* - I just don't know what he needs from as a friend. It's a stupid thing to end a friendship over if you ask me! Anybody have any insight that I, as an addict, am not seeing?

01-23-2014, 07:34 AM
Alcoholism is an addiction like anything else.

Was he drinking the day of the fight??

You can't control other people... Let him know your there for him if he needs you. Let him make the move.

Best of luck...

01-24-2014, 07:39 PM
Each of us has different priorities in how we spend our time. It sounds like this man needs control of his time, both alone time and social time. I would go about your life and if he asks you to do something that you want to do, and have time to do it, great. I encourage you to take a step back and focus on other aspects of your life.

Whether understanding the alcoholic mind has anything to do with it, I don't know. This is just a personality thing in my mind. Who knows the reason behind it, but he does not want to get too close with you. I would respect that and accept his position. We all have our limitations. I imagine the minute that changes, you will be the first to know! Good luck..

01-24-2014, 09:10 PM
My sisters ex husband is an alcoholic. All I can say is, don't get anymore involved with this guy than you already have. It's a lose-lose situation for you all the way around. It is literally impossible to understand their motives for why they do or say what they do. It never makes any sense and you'll lose your mind trying to figure it out. Nothing you've posted is at all surprising cause its so similar to the was my ex bro in law used to handle things. My suggestion is you write him off because he's not worth you getting your mind all twisted up like this. It will never make sense and you'll never be able to figure it out. Cut your losses and find a new friend who isn't going to twist your words around in an argument like that because that's such a chump thing for him to do and he sounds like he's been jerking you around a lot, knowing you have feelings for him.

01-27-2014, 06:52 AM
if you really want to understand the alcoholic mind you could go to an Al-Anon meeting, they are strictly for partners and family of alcoholics, but I would suggest not taking on that project.......for what end?
move on and don't try to get inside his head, it's not worth the time you would invest!