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lily85
04-17-2014, 12:19 PM
Hi All,

I was in a relationship with an Opiate addict for over a year now. We've known each other for close to 9 years. I knew he struggled with this addiction while we were just friends but thought it was under control, as he went through rehab and sought help. About a year and half ago we decided to date and got engaged. I was VERY HAPPY. I really grew to love him. I did not know at the time, but he was still struggling with his addiction when we got engaged. It all started to come to the surface when I noticed changes in his behaviour. He had to be checked into the hospital twice in the last year because he took too many pills. He went to an outpatient rehab directly after being released from the Hospital both times. He made promises that he would get clean and was willing to do whatever it took etc. The last incident was about 3 months ago. I stuck around and offered my support. It seems im almost driving myself crazy! After his last episode we had to cancel the wedding, he lost his job...because he was unable to focus at work while on pills. Now he is unemployed, after receiving the vivitrol shot, he started smoking pot, almost everyday. I cant take it anymore. I love him dearly, but am scared for myself. I dont want to be blind and fall into this vicious cycle with him. I sent him a message a few days ago telling him I couldnt do this with him, and we are better off not together. I am hurting a great deal right now, but need some encourgaing words. What is the best way to stay strong? Am i making the right decision? I really in my heart...feel as if he is not as proactive as he should be during recovery. Smoking pot everyday? he attends one meeting and thinks thats good enough?

Kszan
04-17-2014, 03:46 PM
You were right to end things. This can only end badly if you stay with him. Addicts are notoriously difficult relationship partners because even if they get clean, the temptation to use again is literally a daily, if not minute by minute struggle of willpower to stay clean. That's why all these celebrities you hear about keep dying due to "accidental overdose". It's a cold reality when you're with an addict that their prognosis is usually not good. It takes far too much effort to stay with someone who isn't going to take their sobriety seriously, as he is clearly not.

You also have to realize that there's literally nothing you can do help him. Nothing you could have done differently would have changed the outcome of this because drug and alcohol addiction is a personal struggle which must be fought by the individual regardless and despite any external support from friends and family. You can't make him better, no matter what you do.

Your best course of action is to let him sink or swim on his own. Maybe when he loses everything and everyone in his life he will make changes or maybe he won't. It's on him. If you stayed with him, he would only drag you down with him and make you completely crazy, you will also lose everything for having to support him. It's not worth it. All the love in the world won't make this better. He has to make the conscious effort within himself to commit to sobriety and live each day with that being his priority. He has a ton of hard work to do on himself and someone in his position shouldn't even be in a relationship right now. Relationships are a distraction for someone in recovery. If you truly love him and want him to get better, you have no choice but to cut him loose.

lenvegas
04-18-2014, 08:39 AM
Hi, It's not that he does not want to quit, rather he is powerless over his addiction and has no choice. For you, yes you are doing the right thing by leaving. How do you stay strong you ask?....... by knowing that by leaving him you are actually helping him to hit a bottom, something he needs to do before he can start to begin the long recovery process

lily85
04-21-2014, 07:33 AM
Thank you Kszan,
You are right in many ways. I stuck to my decision and stayed strong for over a week. Towards the end of the week I noticed that he was really feeling the pain of us not being together, and began texting me. His texts saying how sorry he was for everything he put me through etc. He also mentioned that he HATES when I constantly bring up his addiction. He claims that it makes it very uncomfortable to be around me because he's unsure how to act, if he does anything out of the ordinary i quickly jump to accuse him of being on pills. He swore he has'nt taken any pills since this last time out of rehab. Also mentioned that he wants to move on with his life with me. He wants to get married and have children etc. Now for me..... I want to believe and maybe a huge part of this is that I am still paranoid. Due to past events, I cant let it go, and I definately overanalyze everything he does. Trying to figure out in my head if hes doing what hes doing bc he's high. This is me driving myself crazy...But can you blame me? I suggested we go to couples therapy but one which focuses on addiction...He actually agreed because he's saying he would do whatever it takes to keep me, and that he wants to be clean more than anything, and he struggles with it on a daily basis. Sometimes he feels weak but has to pull through it, and requested that I try to trust him a little more. I read so much about this stuff and hear that addicts are very manipulative and lie constantly. I dont know how to separate it. I do love him dearly and the fact that he's opening up about it means a lot. But i love myself more and dont know if I should give him another chance.

lily85
04-21-2014, 07:39 AM
Thank you for your response. I must say i signed on to this because I felt like I needed to communicate with people that understood the world of addiction. It has been very helpful so far so thank you. Do you think someone with his addiction should smoke pot? This time around he has been a lot. When we last spoke and he said everything I previously wrote, he claimed pot has been helping him. When he gets urges he smokes a bit...BUT listen I'm not agianst pot in fact I smoke it also on occasion..BUT I DONT HAVE HIS PROBLEM..... I get why he turned to pot and agree that pot is less hamrful. And if there was some way to guarantee that he could just smoke pot and it wont lead to anything else...I would truly be fine with it. But in his case I am worried it will just lead him back to pills.

lenvegas
04-21-2014, 10:59 AM
Hi Lily, No, smoking pot is a bad idea, it is still a mood altering drug and eventually his drug addicted mind will tell him he is better and he will be right back on the pills. May I ask what kind of pills he uses?

beamybea
04-21-2014, 11:39 AM
You did the right thing by asserting yourself and setting your boundary.
The hardest thing is continuing to do the right thing.
Its just like what he has done in the past......and the millions like him......when the consequences are fresh and painful and all up in your face, making promises and statements about getting clean and staying clean sound good. Anyone can stop if the pain is bad enough.
Its the staying stopped that is challenging. A few days, weeks, whatever down the road when the chaos calms down, and the severity of the feelings and consequences has eased up, it becomes much more challenging to come up with reasons to tough it out and easier to find excuses to use. It sounds like that pattern is already well established in your relationshop. Love is gentle and kind and you deserve to have a partner that loves you wholly. An active addict only loves one thing.....

lily85
04-21-2014, 12:49 PM
I believe his pill of choice are Oxy's. I think he has "dabbled" in heroin and meth in the past.

Ricky72
04-30-2014, 12:59 AM
Hi lily

Hang on and be strong. I don't want to give you some advice about your relationship because I was once in love and I know how hard it is to let go of things that you love and somehow at the back of your mind your thinking that you can fix everything in time. Always be practical and I hope everythings gonna be alright.

lily85
05-27-2014, 01:06 PM
Thank you all for the advice. As it turns out, most of you were correct. Here I am about a month later, in the same mess AGAIN! I am prescribed xanax, and only started a few months ago because of all the stress and anxiety brought on by him and his addiction. I noticed my pills running low, when I don't even take them everyday. I know for a fact that he took some, and this isn't even his drug of choice, but I think at this point he will take whatever he can get his hands on....which is really scary. What's even scarier is that he lied to me in my face about taking them. I couldn't believe it! This really got me angry, especially when he started acting all loopy and pretty much began moving in slow motion. It was so sickening to watch. I personally think he's been taking the opiates again, but hes now on unemployment, so when his funds run low, he'll take anything, hence the xanax. I really think there's no helping him. Its very hard for me, but i walked away. I think i needed to feel this anger i feel now in order to be able to do this....successfully. Also, a few weeks ago during an argument, he was under the impression that we were broken up ( i said i didnt want him to come around me anymore in anger) he pawned my engagement ring. The next day I figured out he did so, and was extremely upset. His response was that he thought I never wanted to see him again. But ok lets be honest here...this is not NORMAL! people don't just do things like that at the heat of the moment. Pawn something very valuable? Most normal people have never even been to a pawn shop. As I mentioned before our engagement was broken off bc of his addiction and he had the ring. I told him when things were ok and back to normal that I would wear it again, which is why he had it in the first place. Its just too ridiculous. I'm not looking for "advice" but for someone to agree with me that this is odd behavior. I need people who have been where i am now with an addict to tell me, how this ends!

beamybea
05-27-2014, 08:04 PM
For the addict who continues to use, the disease of addiction is progressive and fatal. Usually the options are: go to jail ( progress to illegal substances, or get caught driving under the influence), end up in an institution of some type(psychiatric hospital), or die.
There is also the option of getting clean which usually involves treatment( residential program followed by halfway house and joining a 12 step group).
For the people whose lives are affected by the addiction, there are options as well. Stay ( continue going along with it), leave( you can still love the person from somewhere else), join a support group for families of addicts and learn healthy boundaries.
I hope this helps with answering your questions.
Good Luck, stay strong! bea :)