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JustAmy2013
04-24-2014, 04:27 AM
Hi...
My fiancee and I have been together for 5 years. We went to high school together and met up later on **. We just moved in together this past December. We both have previous heroin addictions. I am 6 years clean. He is 12 years clean. He was just released from prison this past September for 13 years. Sounds like he was mixed up in a murder huh?? No. The FL penalty system is extremely screwed up. He had an addiction such as mine. He stole just as I did. The difference is he was caught several times. He was sentenced to 13 years - I kid you not - when the best thing would been have to sentence him to a year long rehab, then halfway house etc. Because according to him, you can get anything you want a couple bunks down from your own making it so much easier to use in prison. Why not?? You're in prison. Who cares?? Well he did, for a year. He stopped. He started meditating, reading constantly, drawing (he's an artist), talked to me every night and kept to himself. I told him that he went in a cocky and messed up kid and literally walked out a confident, self-secure, motivated for a new life and VERY humble MAN. We are so in love still, it's disgusting. And it's been great starting our lives together (a little late due to our using - we're both 38). We are literally starting from scratch. I moved down from NY to FL because I receive disability and the amount I receive goes much farther then if we were to start in NY. He is moving up in his job as a kitchen manager; recently asked to open up a store in Sarasota as a trainer and along with a very decent raise. I couldn't be prouder of him. He works very very hard for us six days a week, doesn't complain and wants nothing but a family with me.

That's just some background. Now I do believe in "a drug is a drug is a drug". And alcohol IS a drug. I agree that you truly are not clean if you are drinking. I don't care how much or how little. HOWEVER, alcohol has NEVER been his problem. Nor mine. In fact, you can't pay me to drink. I hate it. And first we agreed on a couple beers over the weekend or during football games as I want him to experience life again and enjoy himself since half his life was taken away. The last thing I wanted to do was deny him things because that was his life for 13 years. It quickly went from weekends to weeknights. I wasn't aware (cause I just never drank so never paid attention) that when you buy single beers or those sweet liquor drinks in a can - that they ARE NOT in those 8oz cans anymore. They come in mostly 16oz or 32oz. He mostly gets two of the 32oz. Which one of them or half would put me on the floor! And it was ok for awhile because he was in control. And I always said "hey, as long as you are in control of it. Enjoy yourself." His personality never changed. I would never know he was even drinking anything. I've been with a very abusive alcoholic and I remember that just ONE SIP of liquor would turn him into a monster. It was night and day. But K (my fiancee) was not that way. This man loves the hell out of me. Probably could not live without me. As I probably could not either. We love each other, are best friends and have such plans for a home and family together. He would lay his life down for me and as I would too. He is a lovable, talented, intelligent and beautiful person. I need you guys to know this.

We fought a lot over the holidays - I believe because the moving into together, being away from my family for the first time and him just being out was all very stressful and overwhelming. So these small arguments turned into big ones. The worst thing about them was he would say the nastiest things to me in this intense, raging voice. Things like "you crazy blank you!" "I'm done with you, have a nice life."

He has an anger issue (obviously - the dude was in prison for 13 years). When he gets very angry I've seen him punch the wall, punch himself,slam his head onto the counter and just throw like a chair across the room. His intentions were and are never to harm me but this is the only way he knows how to get that anger out. He will eventually sit himself down, take deep breaths and calm down. He does that well on his own. The first couple times I saw it, it did scare me. He would never ever, ever never touch me - I can bet my life on that one.

I have asked him to not drink every night and he insists that "I don't even get a buzz Amy. I'm not walking around like a sloppy drunk. I just wanna relax." It's always an excuse "the game is on (Yankee games are on like EVERY night!!), I had a hard day at work, it's my day off from work etc." I tell him that he starts to become this arrogant and cocky person as the night goes on. That is not the man I am in love with. To the point where I feel like I am walking on egg shells.

So recently I found out he has been having (I have no idea how many) beers after work while eating in the restaurant he works in. I don't believe he does so everyday. Then to come home, have dinner with me and eventually make it to the 711 for a couple of (what are ENORMOUS to me) cans of whatever.

I found out this past Monday that he had a couple beers after work and then stopped on his way home (he rides a bike to work; we're saving for a car) to get 2 Mike's Hard Lemonade, pour them both in a cup of ice and ride home with it. Most likely making damn sure it was gone by the time he walked in. I found this out by accident. That scared me. That he has to STOP for nothing else but that after JUST having a couple beers already. Then to make his now nightly run to 711 for a couple of the 32oz whatevers.

I tried to talk to him that "honey I really feel that something isn't right. That this is too much now." He get so utterly defensive (with the "I don't even get a buzz" thing), it's practically denial itself. I know enough from a couple rehabs that if you're NOT getting that buzz from two 32oz drinks, then your tolerance is growing. Bad sign. But what he's not getting is that the alcohol itself is changing his kind, gentle and loving personality. I sometime can't WAIT till he passes out. So Monday night we ended up in a very big fight. He's very sensitive as is. But with the alcohol, the tiniest thing can really set it off into a fight. It ends up with that raging yelling that is scary and the name calling. Monday it was "you stupid blank and then to "you're a piece of blank". You have to understand this is like a knife in my heart because he does NOT mean these things. But I have said this before after a physically and emotionally abusive relationship - "I'd much rather be punched in the face then called things like that. They hurt far less and say with you for a very long time. Echoing over and over in your mind." So he left (which I believe is good - that one person should walk away - cool off). I decided to leave the voice recorder on on my phone only because I wanted him to hear himself the next day. When he is himself again. I am freaking out and hysterical crying at this point. I have no friends here, so it's just me with me ya know??

So he comes back in, starts raging with "ALL I DO IS COME HOME AND YOU START THIS !! WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU?? YOU!" I, as in previous fights like this, am curled up under the covers facing the wall; just hoping he'll stop. He starts to pull the covers off me yelling " GET UP AND FIGHT WITH ME!! THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT RIGHT? YOU ALWAYS WANT TO FIGHT SO GET UP AND FIGHT WITH ME!!" I swear to you guys this is when I do NOT fight back and try to be as nice as possible JUST so it'll stop! "Stop K...you're acting crazy! You're like an animal! Stop!" Then the banging of stuff around the room (mind you we live in this tiny efficiency so we are always literally on top of each other). Then into the bathroom, slamming down the toilet seat and almost raging to himself saying things I cannot hear, but in that voice where you are trying your hardest not to yell at the top of your lungs. I stay cowered and quiet hoping he'll leave me alone and eventually he'll either play on his phone, watch TV and pass out. Snoring never sounded so good.

I played back from my voice recorder for him the next day. I truly believed that hit him. His eyes were closed and he was trying to push the phone away but I would not let him. He needed to hear it.

So I need to know what to do. I am TERRIFIED to even kindly approach him with the "drinking thing" because he loses it and gets sooooo defensive. He needs to know that he may not be drunk or feel drunk, but I am completely sober and I am watching the man I am going to marry the end of this year change before my eyes in a matter of a few hours. The arguments have definitely slowed down A LOT. But it's this arrogant, cocky dick that he starts becoming as the night goes on. ANYthing I say is wrong or pisses him off.

I love this man with everything I have. I AM going to marry him. But I am so afraid this is going to get worse and I have no one to help me. I have his family (but he'd "kill me" if he found out I told them what was going on). And I don't wanna ask my family - it was hard enough to get them to fall in love with him like I did being in prison. But he is THAT wonderful.

Please PLEASE help me.

Tulip21
04-24-2014, 10:25 AM
I think you have to move out as soon as possible. He is not going to change unless you change. Try going to an Alanon meeting in the area. You can make new friends there and perhaps get further input. If you stay, it is going to get worse and worse. Can you call a domestic violence shelter and find either a place to stay or a support network? Why would you marry this guy when he is an active alcoholic and emotional abuser? You have made a positive step by reaching out for help here. I hope others chime in, too!

JustAmy2013
04-24-2014, 03:47 PM
Thank u Tulip. I know I would probably give the same advice. But I know you've heard this before "you don't know him like I do. That isn't him." We were walking down a quiet street to his doctor appt (we're still saving for a car). We weren't speaking. He knew I was upset. I don't think he had clue as to why. And I want u to know that confronted him. I told him he turns into someone "I HATE" when he drinks. And this has only just started recently. Two weeks ago u wouldn't even know he had a couple of those huge beers! I told him that I can't bare to see "the beautiful loving man I adore turn into pure ugliness". That "I want 'you' back. Full time. Not part time." So we started of course screaming at each other in the middle of the street. And when he gets angry, he chooses to take it out on himself. His father was physically abusive and when were just friends he told me "After I watched what he did to my mother, I swore I'd never be him." He knows he'll NEVER touch.

Finally after the bickering of "you're always telling me what to do" etc etc we stopped. I was afraid someone was going to call the police and he'd be violating and go right back to prison. Just like that - I'd never see him again. I looked him dead in the eyes just crying my eyes out "you are heading down a very very dark road and you've been there before. As the person that loves you the most, I'm telling you it's happening. I'm not seeing things. I'm not hearing things. I don't make this up. I love you so much and I'd die if I lost you. Especially to something I KNOW you're stronger than. You and I have been through FAR worse with the heroin. I am BEGGING u to stop. Please stop. It's killing me." He stood there almost taken back by I guess my sincerity. He said "ok I'll stop. But I'm a grown man and would like to have a couple beers every now and then." I said "exactly 'every now and then'. That's what we agreed on 6 months ago and 'every now and then' is ok for most people. But you're not having a couple 'every now and then'. It's becoming a NECESSITY. It's becoming NECESSARY." He shockingly said "you're right. It's getting out of hand. You're right. You're more port any to me then beer Amy. I'll stop."

That was that for then. I was so exhausted and drained and sweating from the screaming and the crying that I just wanted to go home. He lost his kidney to renal cell carcinoma a few years ago so we were on our way to have him checked out. But I told him I can't go. "I need to go right now." So I went home. I know I planted a seed and me leaving was for that reason as well. So we had time apart and he can think. He text'd me some nice things and a lot of apologies for his behavior. I was asleep. I woke up to a little box on my night stand; just a small silver with tiny diamonds (can't be real) necklace. Very sweet.

Listen, I hear what you're saying that "I can't change him". And ya know, this "break" may not last. Idk. I can only hope and pray it does. He never wants to lose me and vice versa. I think he knows now I'll go right back to NY if this starts again.

So I guess "to be continued..."
Thanks again. The Alanon mtgs are a good idea. And yes, a way to make some friends too.
Thanks,
Amy xo

beamybea
04-25-2014, 03:53 AM
First of all, Amy- congrats on being clean. You are a miracle.
And of course you know that addiction is a disease. You cannot love him enough to make him well. All of the bargaining is only delaying the inevitable. You must get out of the way and let him hit bottom.
Take my word for it love, you are POWERLESS!.
The sooner you accept these facts and take the right action, the faster you can start living in the solution. Set an example for him by getting involved in the recovery community in your area.
Ultimatums wont work. Threats wont work. All the tears you can cry wont work. This pattern you and he have gotten into is so unheathy.
If everything you wrote is accurate, then the writing is on the wall.
Red flags are everywhere and you cannot just wish them away. Rolling over and pulling up the covers is not a coping skill.
You must take action. Do the next right thing- go to a meeting.
Do it for you. His path is his and you cannot change that. And believe me, you could die trying. The disease is progressive and ultimately fatal if not arrested. I hope and pray that recovery becomes the rock on which you and he can build the life you want. I wish you well, bea.